I got a good laugh from this story. It moves along swiftly and flows well. The author again has a good use of narrative. I had no problem imaging the scene.
One of those never to be forgotten moments in life! I have a few suggestions:
1. First paragraph: "...and you started running..." addded the word "and".
2. "...get away." "Then we..." split this into two sentences.
3. "...we left the ball game; to his frustration." break between game and to his frustration.
I could be wrong about the last one and I bow to the author on that. Good writing! Lin
This was interesting. I could understand how easily this scenario could happen - especially with a website like this one! lol! The story flows well and moves right along. The author is very good at narrative. I like the way the story shifts to the way the main charecter's life as it is unraveling. I did feel it was abit flat and could use some punching up. I am not trying to tell the author how to write but is there anyway you could elaborate? Keep writing. Lin
I enjoyed this short story. The twist at the end is good. The author has a good handle on narrative. The setting and actions are easy to imagine. This story flows well and moves along rapidly. Some of the sentences could be shortened as there is often more impact in a shorter sentence. Other suggestions:
1. Paragraph 1: "...school. She stepped..." I broke this into two sentences.
2. "...it was worse - it was really..." added break there.
3. "...if she was ok, but..." add comma.
4. "that isn't possible" maybe make this italics to set it out better as a thought.
I enjoyed this story. It has a good twist at the end and I could definitely picture the settings. The main charecter was well fleshed out. The story flows well and moves right along. I have one error that I caught. The word "threw" should be "through". Otherwise this was a good read. I could see it becoming something even bigger and wonder if the author thought of expanding it. It does stand as it is though. Good writing. Lin
This was an interesting story and it was fast paced. It flowed well. I was a bit disappointed in the ending. I felt it was abit flat. More should be said about Jacy's reaction to finding out who the spirit was. I won't mention that becaue I do not want to give the ending away. Could you elaborate some here? otherwise I did like the story. Lin
This was an interesting story about a want-to-be scientist. The story flows pretty well and moves along fairly well. I had a few corrections to mention:
1. "And besides,..." added comma
2."The rest stop...to the town. ( added period} "A sign acted as a guide...tourists..." {added 's' to tourist}
3."The thought the air...as it was..." (added 'as'}
4. "...device and with the other..." {added 'and'}
5. "This was more scary..." {changed to 'more scary'}
6. shook not shock.
This is a good story that would shine with some editing. Keep writing. Lin
This was a very interesting read. The author has let us into his thoughts and shared the questions and answers he has. I liked the way this is set up. It flowed well and moved right along. It feels like you are sharing an intimate disclosure with the author. I liked the conclusion. I have a few suggestions:
Paragraph 2: in the 2nd line it reads as if it is the author's current girlfriend has a new boyfriend so you might want to try to clarify the second sentence. Maybe "my new love is..."
I think that the sentence: " But it can't be we are too young." could be broken into two sentences for impact. "But it can't be." "We are too young."
This sentence could be broken up as well: "It was already in place....in the picture. That doesn't make sense."
Otherwise I enjoyed reading something that was presented in a different form. Keep writing! Lin
I really liked this poem. I thought it flowed pretty well and it certainly moved right along. I could relate easily to the author's words which give us a lesson some only learn much later in their life. I think that some of the punctuation is unnecessary as it stops a thought that should continue to flow but otherwise I thought it read smoothly. My partner in reviewing will be along to correct that. It is just my opinion and I am new at this. I bow to the author. This is a good theme and your thoughts are clear. May i also suggest that the author provide a bio as I often turn to that when I am reading a new author. Keep writing! I will be glad to return to your port. Lin
I liked the theme of this poem. I found it inspirational. Many of the things mentioned by the author are so true. Especially: " Now holding back on being you, for what the past has put you through." The poem flows fairly well and moves along rapidly. I settled easily intothe rhythm. I warn the author that I can only comment on how the poem affected me as I do not know enough about the technical spects of poetry. I do know when I read something I like. I liked this. Good writing. Lin
I enjoyed this poem. I liked the theme and the what the author says is very true. It is so easy to forget what came before - on any level. The piece flowed well and created good images. My attention was captured from the first line and find it difficult to determine a favorite line or stanza, as I enjoyed it all. Well done. Lin
This was very well done. I did not need to see the movie. You story was better! I had clear images throughout the entire story. It flowed well and moved right along. It was a great example of dialogue telling the story. It was also very funny. I saw not errors. Well done! Lin
I found this very interesting! The author is pointing out to us that in this day of modern technology, where things become obsolete five minutes after we learn them, we need our children to explain many things to us. The piee flows well and moves right along. I would suggest that the author change a phrase around in the last paragraph. Instead of "I am continually learning from her new..." "I am continually learning new things from her...". However, I bow to the author's decision. Lin
I enjoyed this poem. I liked the repetition of the words "These hands". We can see and feel so much with the authors words. She tells the story of her life as a nurse and as a woman with what she has written. It is a wonderful way to comment on what she can and has given. Well done. lin
This story has an excellant twist at the end. I got caught up in the reading right away and the story never once slowed down. The totally believeable conversation helped to push the story forward. The charecters were well fleshed out. The story developed tension nicely as I read. I would go back and do a spell check but otherwise I did not catch errors, possibly because I was too caught up in my reading. Well done! Lin
This was a wonderful poem. I have great a good visual image flowing through my reading and several senses are brought into play throughout. The piece flows well and moves right along. The story unfolds as the epic it is. This poem causes one to stop and think. History continues to repeat itself. Well done! lin
I liked this poem although not as much as the other three I just read by this author. The poem flows well and moves right along. I hope that the author will not mind, but I had a brief flash on some of the many poems I have read and enjoyed by Rod McKuen. The style of this piece invoked the memory. I have no suggestions on improving the poem because it stands as it is. It felt almost conversational, a shared confidence. As I am still learning to appreciate poetry and don't quite have the technical down, I can only go by the feeling I had as I read. I thought it was good. Lin
I really liked the theme of this poem. Do our names proclaim our deeds to a higher Authority; if so what does He call us when they do? By the name that is common in our family or by the name our actions speak to Him? This piece flowed fairly well although the word retrograde" threw me off abit. Still, it all works and this poem really gave me pause to stop and think. Good writing. Lin
This author has a wonderful way of saying a great deal in simple wording with his poetry. This piece flows well and moves right along. I loved the theme for this poem. The opening stanza was probably my favorite. I loved the word choices and the way it sounded when read aloud. A good read. Lin
This is a poem loaded with beautiful imagery. It flowed well and moved right along. I had no trouble imaging the scene and I found the poem easy to understand. My favorite stanza was the third but I think that my favorite line was; "She has the sentient look of one whose image is forever deep and placid as your own." That is a wonderful line. Good writing! Lin
This was a really good story. It flowed well and moved right along. The dialogue was easy and natural. The author gives us good mental images throughout. The theme of the story was interesting and had a good twist. One correction that I think should be made. Where the author used the word "lavished", I would change it to something like "relished". All in all a good read which I would urge others to take the time to look at. Lin
I really enjoyed reading this short story. The author has chosen one of my favorite symbols of change and growth, as the symbol for her own change and growth.
This piece flows smoothly and moves right along. The imagery is very good and easy to imagine. Everything is summed up perfectly in the final paragraph. I wonder if the author is familiar with a book called "Hope for the Flowers"? I think that she would enjoy reading it. As for this story, I urge you all to take some time and read this. Lin
This is a delightful story and I throughly enjoyed reading it. It flowed well and moved along rapidly. The dialogue was very good and helped to push the story forward and establish the charecters. I loved the idea of the witch school and pairing the cats with the young witches. I would enjoy reading more of the story. Is it possible that you were thinking of adding to this?
A few corrections:
"to" not "as" his itching...
"all the while" - you left out "the"
"The Head Master Witch had often enough had chances...but, instead had taken pity on them." I have rearranged this sentence, somewhat to help it flow.
"after-images"?
There are some punctuation errors that need correcting.
Otherwise this was good and I would urge other readers to have a look at this story. I am also forwarding to you a link that I found helpful on tips for revising. Hope that it is useful to you as well. Well done! Lin
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Dear SM: by now you will have clicked on the fact that you are being Endu-reviewed by MaryLou7 and me. Bless you for your patience.
This information was presented nicely and pretty throughly. I think you do a good job of speaking in terms that everyone should be able to understand. This is a very good idea and I am sure that many people will enjoy the advantages to the ASA. Lin
I enjoyed reading this and I learned some history about gift points along the way. Sometimes I think that you can not please ANYONE at ANYTIME! You do a good job on a regular basis trying to keep this site growing and innovative. I love that we have the gift point system. We are able to do so much with it. It is an excellant way of saying "I noticed you and the work you put in" or rewarding a contest entry and so on. You are a very patient man! lol! This article did a good job addressing complaints in an easy to understand and detailed manner. Well done! Lin
This was a wonderful tribute to a good man. The author was able to convey his love and respect for his grandfather so well that you find yourself wishing that you had known him as well. These are memories to cherish for a lifetime and a foundation for building charecter. Lin
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