Jenny,
This feels very emotional. I don't know if this was personal or if the muse handed you this, but I can feel your involvement in your writing. Thank you for this . You took some cliches that could have been empty and infused them with meaning. My only suggestion is to push it further, maybe a little tweaking and this would definitely be a five. Write on !
Winnie,
Congratulations on your win . I saw this static and thought I would give it a review.
Overall - This is a touching moment in a family. You have created a compelling window into which we as readers can glimpse the sense of turmoil that aging and illness brings to a family.
Suggestion - The transition from Joyce in her mind and Wilma coming in feels a little choppy.
Favorite Line - "Now, dressed in a drool-stained sweater and faded jeans, cameras seldom snapped a demanding pose."
Bellz,
I'm a member of the Oct. 1st Paper Doll group and I thought I would stop by your port . I took a look at this piece and I thought I would review it. Overall, I think this piece conveys a tremendous amount of emotion. I hope this piece helped you and provided a release during your dark period. I do not have any specific suggestions. Write on !
Phyduex,
I decided to return the review and checked your port. I found this piece and the description intrigued me, I am impressed . This is fantastic, I read this with great interest because my son loves to play chess and I learned at the same time he did. This would be a great tool for older kids when they learn chess. As to the writing, it is quite poetic. My favorite line was: "The knights weren’t forgotten the night of the spell, forsaken though, quite. They were all cursed to “ell”!" Thank you for the read and write on !
Dan,
I want to comment on your note at the bottom first; raising kids is the toughest job we ever attempt. I feel your pain, as a mother, I hope it turns out as well as it possibly can .
Per the writing, I do have a couple of suggestions: in the third stanza "..."it won't take very much long" serves the rhyme, but not the read. Perhaps a word shift would help this.
This is just one reader's opinion use it if it helps. Write on !
Greg,
This is a very evocative poem. The imagery in the first three stanzas is incredible, but I struggled with the last two. What is "bloodshooting blinding"? Additionally, I can't quite see where you are going with the jacket line. Overall, I love your phrasing and I can feel the depth of sadness present here, but the words may need a bit of tweaking. Remember this is just my opinion, use what helps and disregard the rest. Write on!
Gekko,
As promised I checked out one of your short stories. Well I must say I am impressed. You have captured the sensations of writing and yet also made it about more than writing - you made it about the flow of the story out of the experience of the writer. You added depth and texture to a process that we all must go through. I do have a suggestion though; "For the space in the paper was reserved for final sentence in his tale" - insert a or the before final. I also think you should think about the coat hanging without the addition of gloomily - it seems an unnecessary word. If it weren't for those two things I would have rated this a five. I can see why it has a ribbon . Write on!
Hunter,
This is very powerful. You made great use of the prompt and I appreciate the explanantion at the end - for those of us who are still learning . The most powerful line for me was: "An obsidian sentinel watches o'er the bones;
a dark shepherd of souls tending his flock." I only have one tiny suggestion - the flow of the third line in the third stanza feels a bit off. This is the only reason I did not rate this a 5. Please take my review for any value it offers you as the author. Write on!
King Melville,
I decided to return the review . I'm a little confused though, what happened behind the door or with it? Your train of thought is a bit muddled in this piece and I'm struggling to decipher it. Also, all contractions need apostraphes - example can't. This review reflects my opinion, use it only if it helps you otherwise disregard.
Jace,
I'm reviewing "The Accidental Visit" for the merit badge match up . I took a look at the requirements of the Talent Pond Carnival Midway so I understood the prompt and process. Please accept my review in the spirit of collaboration and use only what aids you as the author.
Overall - I was inspired by Cedric and his sturdy nature given his unstable circumstances (wife and bike). I like the idea that Cedric viewed therapy as a task best accomplished by engaging in something not whiling away on a couch somewhere .
Suggestion - The opening line feels a bit flat. You have provided a great deal of story in a small amount of words and yet the opening line does not feel quite as accomplished.
Line I loved - "I'm Mike," I said, adding that he might like to take a break, pointing at the Caffe Cappucino. "Please allow me to buy you a cold drink on behalf of our errant stoplight."
The bit about the errant light felt impetuous and light-hearted, I enjoyed that .
Thank you for sharing this tale of recovery and kindness. Write on!
Victoria,
I'm returning the review . I found this poem and decided I would take a look and I'm happy I did. What a beautiful way to memorialize your son . I appreciate the pure emotion that rings through the entire poem. I do have a couple of suggestions: in the first stanza received is misspelled, and in the sixth stanza you put "a sod" - taking the a out would flow better. This review reflects my opinion use it if it helps you otherwise disregard Write on !
Magoo,
Very touching . I thought I would return the review and I found this beautiful piece in your port. When I began my read I thought this was a view from afar, but the last stanza put a smile on my face. It is truly a tribute to a child to view them in the present and in the future . I have no suggestions. Write on !
Mick,
I definitely felt your passion in this essay. I appreciate the explanantion about fruit ripening and the natural processes involved . I do have some writing critiques though, first of all the structure is more like story writing than an essay. You should have full indented paragraphs here, unless you intended this as an article. Secondly, when you state something is a known fact you actually should state your specific source not just refer to Agricultural statistics. Known facts are only known to the people who have seen them, consider putting in the link and/or including the stats. Take my review for any value it provides and disregard the rest. Write on !
Becxxx,
I thought I would return the review favor . Overall, the word flow was comfortable and easy, but I did feel a little snag in the last two stanzas. Perhaps discontinuing the set up of the previous stanzas threw me. I think you excelled in building some interesting mental pictures. This review reflects my opinions only, use them only if they help you. Write on !
Thing,
Too funny ! I thought I would check out your piece and it was a good decision. I wonder if the message was only intended for the sardine sandwich? Inquiring minds want to know if you're hinting at something here? . Write on!
Lucky,
Thought I would return the review so I checked out your port . Overall, I liked the tone and theme of this piece. I do think there is room for revisions, mostly for flow. For example - the second stanza has the line "I scream inside, outloud"... this feels disconnected from the flow. This is just my two cents, please use it only if it helps otherwise disregard. Write on !
Thanks for the story, Omni. I am a member of the Oct. 1st Paper Dolls group and so we'll be reading a lot of each other's work . Overall: the story was intriguing with the surprise take on a surprise party. You gave us a lot of insight into the son and his ideas about his family, life, poverty, circumstances, etc... I enjoyed reading the story. Drawbacks: the line about being seen as a molester in one state. This feels dropped in, although I understand it helps cement the son's opinions about place and reputation, it feels random and unexplained.
P.S. I love the reference to the Phoenix (see my handle )
Phoenix
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lajkd/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 1:57am on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
. You took some cliches that could have been empty and infused them with meaning. My only suggestion is to push it further, maybe a little tweaking and this would definitely be a five. Write on 
!
. I saw this static and thought I would give it a review. 
Overall - This is a touching moment in a family. You have created a compelling window into which we as readers can glimpse the sense of turmoil that aging and illness brings to a family.
Suggestion - The transition from Joyce in her mind and Wilma coming in feels a little choppy. 
Favorite Line - "Now, dressed in a drool-stained sweater and faded jeans, cameras seldom snapped a demanding pose."
. 
Overall - I was inspired by Cedric and his sturdy nature given his unstable circumstances (wife and bike). I like the idea that Cedric viewed therapy as a task best accomplished by engaging in something not whiling away on a couch somewhere 
Suggestion - The opening line feels a bit flat. You have provided a great deal of story in a small amount of words and yet the opening line does not feel quite as accomplished.
Line I loved - "I'm Mike," I said, adding that he might like to take a break, pointing at the Caffe Cappucino. "Please allow me to buy you a cold drink on behalf of our errant stoplight."
. I found this poem and decided I would take a look and I'm happy I did. What a beautiful way to memorialize your son 
! I thought I would check out your piece and it was a good decision. I wonder if the message was only intended for the sardine sandwich? Inquiring minds want to know if you're hinting at something here?