very nice, simple and evocative. I suspect something more , perhaps, around the thought of the author "Yup here comes another big one I thought" , but it is moved over in enjoyment of the night.
This is actually an interesting premise (I generally don't go for fantasy). it is well written and the crux of the situation is laid out. The end came abruptly for me, as the king complied rather quickly. it felt a bit stunted, maybe draw that out a bit have some arm twisting. (I don't like my kings to be such pussies).
I realize that the real meat of the story will be when the 'mancer' takes possession (I assume).
funny. somehow, i'm interested in the minutia of your christmas morning. your writing appears effortless, as though you just talk about stuff for a while then write down what you just said (is that true?) If that is how it is, then you need to put a lot more writing on here. If you say that you spend days editing and re-writing, well then.......
this feels like a good start. I'm reading it and feeling like i'm involved in the situation. the writing is simple and easy to follow and read. I can picture what is happening, but I feel like I'm missing something; the teaser says that "unlikely allies get together to face a bully? "
I'm guessing that it isn't written yet? so, right now i feel like i can't give more feedback because I'm waiting on the action.
I think that the idea, facing a bully, is a great premise and promises substance that many can relate to. keep writing, I'd like to see where this goes.
In reading this, i was put off at first because of some strange grammar "You fill insides of me as you smolder in my passion." "relieve me, hell I care."
At the point that i was reading these lines, I felt that the writing needed to be cleaned up so the passion, that was apparent ,could come through.
I didn't put it together that this was about a cigarette for a while, and the writing felt very strange to me, talking about the lungs, i didn't get it. of course that is to good affect as the pay off hits home better with this delaying the truth until the end.
upon understanding that this is a 'love' story with a cigarette and the repercussions of that love affair are heartbreaking, somehow for me, so much more than a typical broken heart over a lover story. This heartache is so terrible. and this poem was able to really bring home the awful truth.
I was a looking in the other direction when this love poem came at me. after reading the tag line "Just something I drafted during my latest apathetic funk. Which has become semi-permanent" I was expecting some existential angst.
Then the spot of light came in and made things good.
the shift from he to me, brings home what we suspected in the beginning, that the narrator is him. this makes it personal. I think that changing only one sentence might bring a bit more subtlety to it, maybe the last line only has "me' in it.
damn, I guess this really spells it out, but,.... hopefully the author is not in this exact predicament and this is hyperbole,,, but, we do all end up in strange places in life and there's no accounting for where we end up.
I feel really bad for the narrator. so in that sense this writing is very good, it tells a story quickly and we are left knowing the score and where things stand. but I feel bad that the narrator would stay in this place and wish that the story would go on and he would move on.
Upon re-reading, i find that there are aspects that i can relate to in a fashion. that love isn't always what we want it to be, relationships are what they are, two people with pasts.
seems like a reasonable start, I don't think you need to say "Fate will bond them in a way that doesn't occur with sisters or twins.... through pain and confusion" If you write the story that part will become self evident and the foreshadowing that these sentences entail can be more subtle.
I had a vision of you being ostracized by geeks at a geek show somewhere, pretty low. then reliving the glory days of geekdom when you were 'in' the 'out' crowd.
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