"Now I am going to count back from five and when I snap my fingers you will wake and remember nothing." - Needs commas: "Now, I am going to count back from five, and when I snap my fingers, you will wake and remember nothing."
I kind of feel this piece is underdeveloped, and I am not sure if I get it. Snap at the end - is that her neck being broken?
This story gets a five on content and descriptive imagery. I rated it a little lower because of some missing punctuation that interfered with the flow of the story and my enjoyment of reading it.
"reader's more familiar" should be "readers"
"Desperate is he that lives in a dream but cannot wake. Terrified is he who wanders a synaptic wasteland of surreal shadows and landscapes of lunacy." - What great writing & imagery! I was hooked from this opening line.
burnt out should be burnt-out
It is cold here, cold as the grave, the kind of cold that freezes your soul, and lonely, so lonely; the loneliness of all things forgotten. - This sentence runs on and is awkward. It needs to be broken up into two sentences, and it needs more punctuation. How about revising it thusly?: It is cold here - cold as the grave. The kind of cold that freezes your soul - and lonely - so lonely; the loneliness of forgotten things.
Memories that invade my thoughts from the other side however, - need an extra comma after "side".
and a few, only in symbols. - You don't need the comma.
broad shouldered and narrow hipped. - Need hyphens: "broad-shouldered and narrow-hipped."
very sleek, lithe like a serpent. - change to "very sleek - lithe - like a serpent."
hell - capitalize hell, or write "hell-hound."
"I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left and with one last titanic effort I close the gap and launch myself headfirst at the glass." - Should be: "I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left, and with one last titanic effort, I close the gap . . ."
Good story. Reading it, I felt so cold! I am so dumb, I believed Robby's story about the mouthwash that made him smell like he had been drinking! This was realistically written. The way Robby treated Gabe, and how his alcoholism destroyed his marriage was painful to read.
This word, "enwraps," should be either "enfolds" or "wraps."
"The roads are a deathtrap.” - Should be "The roads are deathtraps."
I would change this: “You don’t listen to your mother!" I would add, "You don't listen to your mother over me!"
If you are going to have Gabe kill his father at the end, he should be older than a toddler. I don't feel a toddler could wield a shovel with the skill to kill a grown man, no matter how hungover or grieving the man was.
Good story! I like the theme of Halloween in Ireland, as that is where the custom of putting lanterns in gourds originated.
Your story needs some commas. I added them: "I sat there and watched as it advanced, feeling the hair stand up on the back of my neck and arms. . . In fact, it was quite extraordinary.
You don't need "old" in this sentence: "some secret sect of old Druids." Druids, by their very nature, connote ancientness. So, the use of old is redundant.
These sentences feel awkward: "It felt heavy in my hands and I perceived that the cover was not made of anything known to me. It unmistakably was not leather." How about revising it thusly? "It felt heavy in my hands. Running my fingers lightly over the cover, I could see it was not leather - nor any material I knew."
Need a colon - "There were hundreds of them: men, women, and children."
"I would never be without them again." What is "them?" Put a noun instead of a pronoun.
I got a chill from this poem. I am so sorry you were abused/anorexic. You are amazing on this emotional level. You really connect with the reader.
On a technical level, if you improve it you can connect even more. For example, "Yet nobody knew
That her eye's told a story." Even though the stanza and most of the poem is in the present, here the verbs are past tense. It would be improved this way: "Yet nobody knows; That her eyes tell a story."
I like your title. It is perfect for this poem. I first thought it was memories of a breakup, but now it seems like something more violent, like an attack. This poem is bitter. It says what you are feeling.
Oh wow. I can sense the longing to leave this corporeal world for the land of the spirits. I know you have read a lot in my port, but after reading this, I have two poems you simply must read. They are "Brother Wolf" and "Traps." My poem about my own depression is in my port also. It is called "I Finally Snapped."
I am sending you some GP's and will send you more if and when you are able to read these poems I recommended, or anything else.
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