I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 10/12/06. Congrats on being featured. This piece is so short I don't know what I can say other than I did not expect the twist at the end.
I saw this in the 10/12/06 Horror/Scary Newsletter. Congratulations on being featured!
Suggestions:
1. [an obligatory hug that barely touched.] - What barely touched? In and of itself, a hug does not touch. You might want to rephrase this and say "an obligatory hug in which their bodies barely touched."
2. [“Why don’t you let the kids come home with me for the weekend,”] - Add question mark as this is a clear question.
3. [Bitch, he thought] - Italicize "Bitch" as it is his thoughts. Italicize all further thoughts.
4. [vacant pale-blue eyes] - Put a comma after vacant. Do not hyphenate pale blue; these are two distinct words.
5. [Her voice was still a mousy seven.] - This sentence is not structured well, and could be eliminated. I am not sure what you are trying to say. Is her mousy voice annoying him? Of course it would sound mousy at age seven.
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 9/14/06. Congrats on being featured! I am interested in Native American culture and have a few poems in my port on the topic. Your poem is beautiful and striking. I like how you list adjectives in a kind of haiku-like style.
I think this poem could be longer and more imagery added. To start, you could explain why the speaker sees the images behind his eyelids. Is he meditating purposefully to communicate with the ancient elders? Is he just dreaming? If so, why is he dreaming? What will the dream mean to his life?
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 9/14/06. Congrats on being featured! I really enjoyed this frank, humorous, fascinating story of your childhood experience. I learned a lot about Seventh-Day Adventists. My brother recently became a JW through marriage, so I can relate.
A few suggestions for grammar/punctuation:
1. [while I sat in the Buick fidgeting.] - don't end the sentence with a verb - change to "while I sat fidgeting in the Buick."
2. [just toned down versions] - hyphenate toned-down.
3. [the hustle and bustle of Shadrack, Meshach, and Abednego.] - hustle and bustle applies to places, not people. I would choose a different description.
4. [no matter what state that put my soul.] - Add "in" - "no matter in what state that put my soul."
5. [I was a Seventh-day Adventist] - Capitalize "Day."
6. [The thought of going to school with kids who . . .] - then in the same sentence you say "that." Use "who" in place of "that" to describe the kids.
7. [ I called it the Pewick ] - Put "Pewick" in quotation marks.
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 9/14/06. Congrats on being featured! I liked this poem a lot. The idea of turning to God and the spiritual, when the appeal of the secular and the material seems unfulfilling, is intriguing. The only suggestions are that you capitalize the main words in the title, and that you expand on the poem. I was surprised to see it end just as the theme was getting developed.
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 9/06/06. Very helpful and encouraging to us writers who want to get our poetry published in magazines. I have not yet checked out the links provided, but I will.
I found a few spelling errors I am sure you would like to fix:
[nonexistant psychic abilities] - should be nonexistent
[Nothing is more detremental than a low sense of one's capablities] - Two spelling errors here: should be detrimental and capabilities.
[publication is over zealous.] - overzealous is one word.
Well, here I am, back on the SLAM forum. WAAAAAAAAAHHHH, your poem is so good!!!!!! Ten stars!!!!! It is just amazing. It brought back memories for me, years ago, when I was waiting for this dude I used to go out with to call, and he didn't. The rollercoaster of emotions came back to me.
I am going to try to write one of these to post in the Green Room. I've never written a sestina.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 6/15/06. Congrats on being featured. I love Native American culture and history, and I love the theme of your poem. I would like it if you would review two of my poems with similar themes.
Traps (E) Inspired by living once again in civilization after a period of homelessness. #613154 by Pen Name
Your poem is good, but contains a lot of grammatical and writing errors - that is why I rated it a three. If you fix the mistakes, I will change my rating. For example:
[I layed there asleep - "layed" is not a word. The past tense of lie is lay.
Waiting for the right time.
Only the forest and my surroundings
are my only companions.] - You repeat 'only' twice in the same sentence. What surroundings other than the forest are you talking about?
This flows very well and is unique. Not an easy prompt, but you did a great job. I read it three times, and I feel something is missing, that it could be longer, but that is just my opinion. Maybe a few more details about why they love the men.
What a powerful poem. I can relate because I hated my sister's guts all through high school. I saw her as a deviant and bad girl, a threat to the domestic tranquility of home. We had to share a bedroom. Now we get along much better. I recently went to visit her. We had not seen each other in twelve or thirteen years.
The only suggestion I can make to this almost perfect poem is that you clarify that your sister was not in junior high when she started showing AIDS symptoms. First you mention lockers, then the rash, then later you are driving. Just add a couple of lines in between, where you say it got worse.
I am touched by your poem and your life with Wendy.
Congratulations on winning second place in the May Lotus Notes Poetry Challenge!!! Wow, this poem reminded me of my grandmother who spent a few months in such a facility before she passed away last December. I love and admire elderly people. They have been through so much, and have so much to give and teach, but it seems no one cares to learn from them. Youth is more admired in society than age.
I would love to have you review my Lotus Notes Entry. It is titled "Not Me."
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 6/08/06. Congrats on being featured. Thank you for this testament to the power of prayer, hope, and faith in Jesus' healing power. I will pray for your friend Kitty as soon as I send this.
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 6/08/06. Congrats on being featured. This story is heartbreaking, bittersweet, and so true. How many of us live our lives like Leslie Timed (great pun on words, btw! I just read an article in my local paper by an atheist, who said it is ridiculous to believe in a God who would punish and reward human beings. It always makes me sad when I see someone who does not feel the need for God. So I turned to the Spiritual Newsletter, and am so glad I found your beautiful story. It made me feel better, especially the simple statement, "You did believe."
[She defiantly wasn’t in her Porsche Carrera GT anymore] - definitely
[I’m not dead. I’m not.] - This and the rest of her thoughts in this paragraph should be in italics, as she is thinking and not speaking.
[eat diner with you] - dinner
[Sides, I don’t think we get any reception whatsoever.” God said. “so will you join us?”] - 'Sides, -You don't need to say "God said." We know it is God speaking.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 6/08/06. Congrats on being featured. Is this a true story? I did fear for a terrible moment that this was going to turn into a horror story, as the stones being piled up near the grave would be used to stone the speaker or someone else. I guess once you have read The Lottery, you never quite get over it. I would have felt so much better if the significance of the stones was explained.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 6/08/06. Congratulations on being featured! Is this a true story? It has to be. It is well-told and funny. [certain my shame was written on my face like a video screen showing an endless loop of exploding photographic equipment.] - very amusing and creative line.
The "urge" men have to fix things themselves is one of those things that is endearing and frustrating. It is mostly frustrating when men are too cheap to spend money to fix something, and will let it go until the thing completely breaks.
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of May 31, 2006. Congrats on being featured. WOW this is a great article! You looked at procrastination from every facet and addressed each one. I doubt there is a more thorough article anywhere about the subject.
I procrastinate mostly out of fear of failure or rejection.
I saw this in the Contest Newsletter of May 31, 2006. I clicked on the link to the In Depth Emotions Contest and saw your entry. Congrats on the Honorable Mention.
How interesting that you used onomatapoeia (sounds) in your poem as well - very effective. I winced with each blow. However, I am not sure here that the main emotion portrayed is anger. The abuser seems to enjoy tormenting her out of some other emotion, or actually total lack of emotion. But on it's own, the poem is great.
Spelling errors - be careful! [of you're face] - your
[I rather be] - I'd
I saw this in the Contest Newsletter of May 31, 2006. I clicked on the link to the In Depth Emotions Contest and saw your entry. Congrats on winning first place.
The piece is well done. It is violent as well as angry, and addresses the aftermath of both.
I am going to give it a try in the next round of the contest.
I saw this in the Contest Newsletter of May 31, 2006. I clicked on the link to the In Depth Emotions Contest and saw your entry. Congrats on winning second place.
I love this poem! The great imagery of someone with flies coming out of his mouth, and then standing there grinning made me laugh and also relate, big-time!!!!
I saw this in the Horror/Scary Newsletter of 5/24/06. Congrats on being featured! Your story is good and scary. What I liked best about it is how Kenny lived to fight another day. The following lines are also examples of superb writing:
[It was somewhere in south Jersey, and some called it the depressed twin of the Pine Barrens, which was supposed to house the infamous New Jersey Devil.] - This sets the setting of the story perfectly. It seems like something I would see in a Stephen King story.
[The cleaver was gleaming above her head like a rectangular moon] - Beautiful horror writing!
[Kenny received the message and paused like a fighter in a video game.] - Realistic writing about a teenager.
Why did I rate it a 2.5? The story needs a lot of work.
[I know why the willows weep, and if you come here you're mine to keep.] - The opening line needs to be in italics.
[What could be so scary about sad-looking trees? he had once thought] - This thought and all his other unvoiced thoughts must also be in italics.
[Kenny and Amanda, his girlfriend, were making out on a sliding board on the playground] - Strike "his girlfriend." If two young people are making out on a slide, it is safe to assume it is not his sister, mother, or wife. It is obvious Amanda is his gf.
[The sob grew a speck louder, and Kenny's skin vibrated like a La-Z-Boy. He was always mindful of his surroundings, always ready to act on impulse from impending danger.] - You have to eliminate the last sentence, because it tells and doesn't show. Rewrite the first sentence to show that Kenny has good instincts for danger.
[which were so massive they could easily hold a family of six with a dog and as tall as NBA stars, were everywhere.] - This description of the mushrooms is overkill. You are trying to create a realistic setting, and to suddenly have giant, stinking mushrooms appear really makes the story suddenly unbelievable. If the mushrooms were really that big, they would be visible from outside the trees, as would the smell be present.
[His jaw was elongated like Venom from the Spider-Man comics.] - You can't mention copyrighted characters such as Venom or Spider Man. Also, readers may not have any idea who Venom is. I do, but many don't. Use your own words to describe the horrifically long lower jaw.
[The next day Amanda’s mother called him asked had he seen her last night.
“She’s serving the purpose, “ told her in s solemn tone, and hung up on her.] - Can you say Scott Peterson? The police would haul Kenny's ass in faster than he could blink and never let him go if he said something like that.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 5/17/06. I love true stories such as this about grandparents. Usually they contain some history, which I love, but it seems like your grandpa was just your buddy. He impressed me by learning computers at an advanced age. Most elderly people want nothing to do with such rapid technological change that is so different from what they grew up with. Living through the Great Depression produced a certain tough character that is often unyielding.
I smiled when you related how he would compare prices then and now. My grandpa always said he "could get a big hot dog with all the works for a nickel, and now is is a dollar!"
Errors:
What town/state is the Monmouth Race Track in?
[add two pounds to #5 and note #9 is on Lacix] - Readers are not likely familiar with horse betting lingo. If you are in America, why are you adding pounds and notes? Is Lacix the name of a horse?
[the still infinitile internet] - infantile Internet.
[styrophone containers] - styrofoam
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #797818 by Not Available.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 5/17/06. Congrats on being featured. I liked the idea of the story very much: that a child's hope and determination can help her mother. The end is a little too sweet for me. A story like this should be a little bittersweet.
[Kelsey sighed as her little sister hauled a wooden wagon filled with rocks and parked it next to her lemonade stand. She knew the small cardboard box she was using as a table wasn't all that pretty, but those rocks weren't helping.] - This paragraph is confusing. It is not clear who the stand belongs to: Kelsey or her little sister. And what exactly were the rocks not helping? You could say "weren't helping it look any prettier."
["Miss", he addressed their mother.] - A British man would never say "Miss." He would likely say "Love," or at least "Ma'am" since she has two children.
[How long has you Mum] - your
[Sure, Kels," came the reply.] - Need quotation marks before Sure.
I saw this in your 5/21 H/S Newsletter. Good story. I love the idea of a young, zealous (and dumb) reporter out to find a vampire and get an exclusive interview with him.
[Jonathan Hawker sped down the dark, rain-soaked highway] - Love this sentence and imagery. How well it sets the stage!
[it was like the sound of a tape recording when it’s played backwards.] - Strike "when it's." It makes the sentence tighter.
[Smith’s phone message had immediately sparked Jonathan’s interest. He had played it over and over again, and everytime he would hear something different. He stared, chilled, at the red number on the answering machine, blinking slowly, steadily, like a heartbeat.] - Excellent writing! I LOVE this!
[endless rolls of gravestones] - Don't you mean "rows?"
[swallowed-up] - Do not hyphenate this.
The entire description of Mr. Smith, as a tall, dark figure with long fingernails, jagged teeth, no eyebrows, and red eyes is just not scary. That is what the reader would expect. I think this story would be much scarier if Mr. Smith looked just like an ordinary, unremarkable man.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 5/10/06. Congrats on being featured. I don't know much about Slam poetry other than what I read in the newsletter's editorial, but I love this poem about writer's block.
Saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 4/26/06. This is pure delight. I can't even pick my favorite lines because they make up almost the whole poem. The creation, colors, and shape, with the yellow star at the top, is tangible holiday cheer.
Sincerely,
Lois
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