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Your poem "Edge Rider" is about a daredevil who risks his life for thrills. I love how you end the poem. Your last four lines demonstrate how a person who lives dangerously does not only risk his own life.
Suggestions:
The middle of the poem is a little bare bones and a bit repetitive in places. Maybe you can flesh it out.
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Your poem has some lovely lines and imagery. My suggestion is to revise it so the rhythm is more even. If you read it out loud, you will see that the flow is a little choppy.
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I like your poem. It is very worshipful, with a reverent tone like Bible verse. Everything you say is true and good.
You seem to have more than one theme than God's creation. You begin talking about how unworthy we are of God's love yet we are what He cares about the most. Then you say Creation is complex and beautiful, but you don't show how.
I might even make two poems out of this, elaborating more specifically on the chosen theme.
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. What an intriguing and unique poem. I enjoyed reading it. It contains some good food for thought. I love the line, "Write every story but that which is true."
My suggestion is that you add the word "but" before "there's nothing there."
Good luck in the contest. With several good poems such as yours, it will be hard judging.
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. I greatly enjoyed this. The theme is something I and many others can relate to. Having your life pass by with wasted time and years, and never finding what you were meant to be.
My strong suggestion is that you change the line that ends in "has went." Yes, it rhymes with relevant, but "has went" is such bad grammar! Lastly, you should end the last line in a question mark, as it is framed as two questions.
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. Your poem is lovely, and wow - seventy-three ratings!! Good job! I enjoyed your poem very much. I feel the speaker in the poem is sincere in his desire to repent. My only suggestion is that the final line is awkward. I would reword it thusly: "I shall ever do penance." See, it is still seven syllables, but the way you have it now, it does not flow well at all.
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. I liked this poem very much. It is sad, but I can relate to the emotions. My suggestions: If you read it out loud, you will see that the rhythm is off. I would recommend trimming the poem a bit so it flows better. Also, I recommend changing the item content rating from "E" to "ASR" or "13+." You do mention a gun, and insinuate the speaker has murdered.
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You have chosen a theme for your poem that many readers, including me, can relate to. You touch on not being wanted by lover, friend, or family. That is great that you don't only focus on romance, because family and friendship is crucial, too.
Your rhyming is not bad. However, I don't understand what you mean by the first line: "To never feel a rising odd (?)" Do you mean to put something other than odd? The third line could be changed to "To not have a hand in yours."
You can edit your item before the contest ends. Let me know if you edit. I will re-read & rate again. Good luck in the contest.
I saw this in your H/S Newsletter of 2/07. This is brilliant, and the perfect winner of the Twilight Zone contest. From beginning to end, this is original, with a great final twist. This line is great: “Just before they turn into one of my creatures of the night, thrashing upon the ground as their souls become lost to their Master.”
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. I would pick a different name than Azazeal for the vampire. The name has an angelic structure and quality.
2. "Jessie, stop rolling" - Should be "Jesse"
3. “You should just shut the hell up!” threatened Michael. - Would a "perfect" archangel use swear words?
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 2/07/07. Congratulations on being featured. I have read stories from A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words Contest before. The stories each had a copy of the picture copied above the text. I had a bit of difficulty because I did not get to see the picture.
But this is a good tale of unrequited love. The end is lovely. But is this a lesbian love confession?
Dang, this is really good. I found this at random after I posted a poem of my own. Yours was listed under "related items. This poem has such a strong message about many issues (mental) caused by modern society. I am marking this as a favorite. I wish more people could read it and put on the brakes of chasing false pleasures.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 1/25/07. Congrats on being featured! What a fun poem to read, and so well-written! It is all so true. Wonderful job! I think you have covered ALL the bases of what words can do, good and bad.
I saw this in the 1/11 Poetry Newsletter. From all the ratings this piece got, I can see it has been around for a while - I wish I had seen it sooner.
Thank you so much for writing this and exposing some myths about writing - and more importantly reading - poetry. In a way, this article should be read by anyone who claims to have an iota of knowledge of poetry. I can't tell you how many times I told someone I wrote poetry and they got this LOOK on their face. One man stated that my free verse was "not poetry - it is prose."
I write poetry from many points of view, using my imagination and stories people have told me. People often assume that I am either a) a man who asked his girlfriend to marry him b) a Native American based on my poems. I hope everyone will come to know poetry is not biographical.
This is a terrific poem. I love the words, the imagery, the story it tells. It all falls together so magnificently. I read it several times. [We did not speak, and daylight ended.
How many hundred days since then] - these lines are especially poignant.
Technical improvements would be not making every line start with a capital letter, only those that are new sentences. I would change the exclamation mark in the next to last line to a period. Dusk has a gentle connotation, and the poem is winding down - not a good place for an exclamation.
But this is one of the best poems I have read - and I relate to it and am marking it a favorite.
I saw "Votive" in your "Poetry Myths" article. It has some lovely and clever imagery, especially in the first two stanzas. In my opinion, the word "pleading" would be better replaced with another word, such as "glowing." I do not see how starlight would plead or need to plead.
Isn't Psyche the god of love and passion? Are you saying he is a death here?
I saw this within your Poetry Myths article, which was featured in the 1/11 Poetry Newsletter. The poem is not bad. There are some good descriptions of trying to stay warm on a cold winter night. But I would suggest taking out "first" from the first line. Why do you need to say "That first winter?" First winter of what? And why does it have to be "forty-two below?" That is life-threatening, even indoors with a "wood stove." Such a desperate situation, with two infants, would not lend itself to a poem, in my opinion.
I saw "Daydreams" in the Poetry Newsetter of 1/11. Congrats on being featured. Lovely poem. The first two lines are amazing, some of the best poetry I have read. I read those two lines over and over, as they captured the essence of a daydream so perfectly. The last two lines are also pretty good. I am not sure that I associate daydreams with "yellow flowers," "red poppies," and "grass," but people daydream about different things.
This is a magical poem. I saw it in the Poetry Newsletter from two weeks back. I connect emotinally to the part about going to a small space in your mind, remembering when I was young and carefree.
Two suggestions I have are to make "icescapes" and "carefree" one word, as they are compound words. A question I have, actually two, are what do you mean by "iodized vision." I love the sound of that, but wish to know what you were thinking when you created those words. Also, is Outlaws Poetry contest still running?
I don't know how to pronounce your name, but I like your poem. How do you say it, and what does it signify?
I saw this poem in the Poetry Newsletter from a couple of weeks ago. Although all the exclamations and questions (ex. How dare they? / The nerve!} make it seem more like a conversation than a poem, it is an accurate glimpse into a racist's mind. The last line is amazing.
I saw this in the Horror/Scary Newsletter of 10/05/06. Congrats on being featured. Your story's brief description attracted me when you said it was based on an actual experience. Overall, it is an interesting story, but grammar and punctuation needs some work. Also, you do a great job describing the feeling of childhood summer boredom and the freedom riding a bike provides, yet the end seems so short compared to how long it takes to get there. I would expand the end - who are the strange, disfigured man and two children? The reader needs more explanation, and also more of a follow-up: after learning so much about Brett's parents, we should see what happens to them.
Corrections/Suggestions:
1. [for count road A30] - do you mean "county road?"
2. [low income housing] - low-income should be hyphenated.
3. [relatives places] - add an apostrophe to "relatives'" to indicate possession.
4. Any roman numerals featured in your story, like "7 year-old" should be converted to words - "seven year-old." It makes the story flow better. Save the numbers for accounting.
5. [ It got sick having to listen to classmates little adventures and then falling blank when asked if he did anything fun over the summer.] - I am not sure what you mean by "it got sick." If that is some kind of slang, I would revise it. And by "falling blank," do you mean "drawing a blank?"
6. [ silly paddy ] - what is that? Do you mean "Silly Putty?"
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 10/12/06. Congrats on being featured. Death by terminal illness in one's lonely old age is a difficult subject, but one that must be addressed. You did a good job capturing the feelings and thoughts of this old, dying man and his complicated family relationships. The end is beautiful; I like how you leave it up to the reader to decide whether or not his kids really did appear.
[Soap operas had changed everything, death more final and satisfying than a coma.] - As a soap fan, I love this line.
Corrections:
1. [Then death would sweep down on his black stallion] - Since you are personifying Death, you should capitalize it. "A" black stallion sounds better than "his."
2. [ He couldn’t bare the thought ] - spelling error: should be "bear."
I usually don't read a lot of romance, but the brief description of a married woman going to connect with an old flame . . . I resonated with that. I enjoyed your story very much. After it dragged a little in the beginning, the end was moving, meaningful, and unexpected. I felt sure that she would find out her husband was having an affair, and she and Bobby would reunite.
The story also had powerful messages of not living in the past.
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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