I like your handle. I saw this item in the Spiritual Newsletter of 12/26/07. Congrats on being featured! I like the theme of the poem, that the man is restless to return to his exciting life, yet grounded in one place where his family is. I think this poem uses a lot of ordinary words and phrases instead of creative poetic devices. It could use some imagery and descriptive details. Rather than saying he is restless, say his hands drum the table. Instead of saying I want to return where I belong, say I dream of a gray fighter jet and be more specific in showing, not telling.
I saw this in the Contests & Activities Newsletter of 12/26/07. conngratulations on being featured! Oh my God, this ongoing Top Ten list compilation on a variety of topics is hilarious. I love it and hope to be a contributor~
I saw this in the Contests & Activities Newsletter of 12/26/07. Congratulations on being featured! The newsletter featured Ins and Outs. I am still not clear on what those are, exactly. What are they?
What a great idea. I hope you will include my addiction.
I saw this in the Contests & Activities Newsletter of 12/26/07. Congratulations on being featured! I took this poll. I am married now, but if I was single the answer would be PARTY! I hope you create more polls.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 12/26/07. My first reaction is that this is too depressing. A Christmas wartime story is expected by the reader to have a warm, happy feeling. But, I guess war sometimes dictates otherwise.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 12/26/07. Congrats on being featured! I like how you incuded a service member from each of the branches of the military, including the oft-forgotten Coast Guard! I had a cousin serve in the Coast Guard a long time ago. Each story is different yet similar. I wonder why you did not include anyone in Iraq, as that is heavily on readers' minds . . .
I was going to ask you if you served, but you do include that, so thank you so much for your service. If I see a soldier in fatigues at a restaurant or the airport, I want to say thank you so badly, but I get tongue-tied and just stare. I am so in awe of them.
Grammatically speaking, your piece needs commas and apostrophe's, hyphens, and capitalization. For example, in the second section:
[Its 3:00 AM in the Indian Ocean and the ship she is on is just rolling a little in the storm they hit last night.] - Put an apostrophe in "It's" to mean "it is." Insert comma after "ocean."
The first line in the third section:
In a plane at 20,000 feet they fly over our nations skies, ] - Insert comma after 'feet.' Put apostrophe in 'nation's' to indicate possession.
and the fourth section:
[Its Christmas Eve back home and he wants to try and get a call in to his family. ] - Insert comma after 'home.' Make 'Its' "It's" for "it is."
There is a spelling error:
[let them know it's not in vein] - should be 'vain.'
Thank you for writing this piece. I hope it inspires reader's to reach out to service men and women this year and next.
This is powerful. God is speaking to someone who wants something other than what God has designed for him. God feels his frustration and is trying to tell him He is with him.
I don't know how much free verse you have written, but you asked for tips. Well, first of all, you should combine some of the lines. Make the lines longer, as it stands, they are too short. It makes reading it a choppy, disjointed experience. I also would not capitalize every line, just those that end after a period. Of course, that is a writer's perogative.
The most important advice I have for this poem and for writing free verse in the future, is to incorporate imagery. Include some similes (like a bird) and metaphors (your hair is a black bird). IN reworking this poem, show what the person who longs to fly is doing. Paint a picture with words for the reader. My port is FULL of free verse, so look at any of my poems for examples.
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 11/07/07. Congrats on being featured. Bravo! Thank you for compiling this list of writing boo-boos. I have run into all these and more in reviewing over six hundred items on WDC. Now, if only we can get the offenders to READ this!
Would you like to sign up for our Reviewing Newsletter? We need guest editors. "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 11/21/07. Congrats on being featured! Good things about this story is that it holds the reader's attention. I want to find out what happens to Olivia. You wrote from her P.O.V. very well.
The drawbacks are that it is pretty over-the-top and not realistic. Also has several writing errors. It is over-the-top because you can practically hear the violins playing as Olivia's plight gets worse and worse. When her father has a heart attack, my goodness. Not realistic because the prison would not allow you just to write and read and be self-absorbed, and most importantly, I feel your story would benefit from a little research as to who would actually be charged in a scenario like that. As far as renting an entire sightseeing bus, who was driving? They and the parents would be the responsible ones. Writing error example: "threw up their stomach contents." Just say "threw up." What else would one throw up?
Write on. You describe Olivia's character very well, which is why your story was selected to illustrate the editorial on characterization.
I saw this in the Authors' NL of 11/21/07. Congrats on being featured. I reviewed three items in the NL, and was unsure whether I wanted to do more. Then I saw this one by you!
I love the Tim Conway reference. He is so funny. Wow, this poor sap (you) must be getting some major bad karma payback. Made me laugh, but made me wince one too many times. Maybe that's because I did lose a filling - on an airplane - chomping a corn chip. The pain was excruciating. I cried and the stewardess let me call my husband using the air phone. And it was a few days before I could see the dentist.
Funniest/Favorite Lines: [I thought I heard them softly calling out to me to come and rest my poor aching body upon their gentle, compassionate breasts.]
[I felt a stabbing pain in my lower back, and immediately bent over at the waist like I’d just been shot by a lone gunman.]
Drawbacks IMO is that unless the guy is a sadomasochist, enough is enough and he should have cried uncle long ago. Not wanting to ruin an average Thanksgiving is not a good reason to sustain serious bodily injury.
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 11/21/07. Congrats on being featured. This is a lovely, haunting story that I hope many will read, and be prompted to value their family this Christmas, even if Thanksgiving is over.
The main thing that could really improve this is to eliminate the last paragraph. After you do a great job showing, here comes this lecture afterwards that only tells. You do not need it to sum up, the story does it for you.
The other thing I would change is that you have a few pronouns that should be changed to names, so as to clear up any confusion as to what "it" or "they" are. I know I was confused, even though I re-read those parts. Examples: "Unfortunatley, I started wandering when they began to die." "Not with them." "there weren't many talking anyway."
I saw this in the Author's NL of 11/21/07. Congrats on being featured - but with this as a subject, how could you not be?
The piece serves as a good review of those of us who have forgotten our fourth-grade History lessons about the Mayflower and the Indians who saved the Pilgrims' lives. It is enjoyable to read and I can see you have put effort into making it flow smoothly. The writing can use a little tweaking:
1. I would replace "envelops" with "encompasses."
2. I don't know that Thanksgiving has a "plethora of rituals." The concept is quite simple. Eat and give thanks!
3. Can you expand on the second paragraph? Give at least one example of the earlier people and their ceremony of thanks.
4. "Deprivation" is misspelled.
5. Again, give an example of the Wampanoag's ritual of thanks.
6. Tying into the paragraph about each ethnic group adding its touch, you might want to add that there is a man named Calvin Trillin who is campaigning to make spaghetti carbonara the national meal of Thanksgiving instead of turkey. He actually has a pretty good argument.
My mad lib did not turn out too funny, but I think this has potential. Make each ad a little longer, and the name of the streets doesn't really work. No matter what you put, it doesn't get a laugh because it's just a street name. I like the "Lost" one the best. You should put "Comes if you call ____" and then add an exclamation like "Kiss my grits!" I LOVE Mad Libs . . . so many belly laughs with the family.
I saw your item in the Short Stories Newsletter of 8/15/07. Congrats on being featured! I liked the title and brief description. Well, I will read almost anything about cats!
What a tragic, yet beautiful story. Is this really true?!? I suggest including the town and state and the date that this occurred.
The first paragraph of your story is a bit wordy and has a few simple grammar and punctuation mistakes. I would re-write your first paragraph to read thusly:
Isaac Cramer was not the kind of a man one would expect to own a cat. The cat that he owned was not exactly what a person would think of when they thought of a cat. For all of these reasons, Cramer and his cat were a match made in heaven.
The rest of your story rambles a bit and I found myself getting a little impatient. No hint of the terrible event is given. I suggest using some foreshadowing to give a clue of what is to happen. For example, you could say, "Cramer could not have known that this night, full of excitement for the new lives, would change his life forever."
I love Cramer's cat. He seems like a little angel.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter. Congrats on being featured. I love this poem. Paper airplanes are probably one of the things I never think about. What a great subject, and food for thought about being a metaphor for life. What inspired you to write this? How exactly do you see the planes in this poem?
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter. I wish I could have gone to a convention. I hear they are not having any more for a while, if ever. I love the first stanza. It makes me tingle with romantic anticipation. The third stanza sums up what WDC is all about. The last kind of left me confused. Does that mean someone is going to die?
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter. Congrats on being the central focus. I hope some day, I will too!
I love Japanese History and Culture. In your item intro, you say Nakajo is a town "on the western coast of Japan." I wondered, "which island?" I would adjust the description to say "Hokkaido, the northernmost of the four large islands that make up Japan." And in your glossary, I suggest adding "Nippon."
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 9/06/07. Congrats on being featured!
Oh goody, a Thanksgiving poem! I can't believe summer is almost over and the fall holidays are coming up. Your poem tells exactly what we are thankful for on that third Thursday in November. It is something like I would find in the Ideals magazine/books. Do you know that publication?
Hello! How are you? I haven't seen you in while. I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 5/24/07. (Yes, I am behind on reading my NLs!) Congrats on being featured.
Oh my God, I am just in awe of this poem. It has a magical quality that really, really reminds me the animated films of Hayao Miyazaki. The film I think of is Howl's Moving Castle and also Spirited Away. Have you seen them? If not, please do. You would be inspired.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 5/24/07. (Yes, I am behind on reading my NLs!) Congrats on being featured.
Ha, ha, I love it!!! I like the first line, "neglected notebook" the best. I love haiku, and this is the first one I have seen that is about writer's block.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 5/24/07. Yes, I am behind in my NLs!) Congrats on being featured.
I love the moon and poetry about the moon. I am only not rating this a perfect 5 stars because this line is unclear: [Can it hide the steals
before the Sun perceives?] If you can clarify it, I will change my rating.
I am looking in your port for an item to feature in my Reviewing NL coming out on the 14th. I guess I found it on the first try. These haiku are lovely. I love haiku.
These are my favorite. They are masterful, and they resonate deeply with me.
[Long into the night
ripened russet apples drop
drumming fall's salvo]
[Swells of rain falling
with cool determination
stealing my shadow]
National Wildlife Federation recently had a haiku contest open to members. The winners are posted on the website, and they are wonderful. Some are funny gutbusters. I do encourage you to submit your Haiku to Acorn Magazine, currently accepting submissions.
I am looking in your port for an item to feature in my Sept. 14th Reviewing NL. I guess I just found it! You can bet I will be back to read all of Fred and his hapless owner's "misadventures." I am a crazy cat lady with only two cats. Isn't that sad? If it weren't for my husband, I'd have more.
The events are so funny, but you write them so well. It is not easy to even tell a funny story or incident, let alone write it. You are GOOD.
I am writing a sci-fi novel about cats. Fred's pic (hilarious also) looks so much like the villian in my story I can't believe it. I may borrow his likeness!
*Sig* I am a sucker for sentimental stories of longing and bittersweet or unrequited love. I will feature this one in the newsletter coming out on the 15th. I take it you have been to "the Island." I have not. The description of foods at the beginning made me hungry; thanks a lot!
Notes:
1. "Tanks fe de dallar" - LOL, this could pass for Swedish or many other dialects too!
2. [my comprehension of the language] - I would replace language with dialect, as they are speaking English.
3. [I wanted to leave that small Mid-Western town in the middle of nowhere. The thought of living in New York, where life moved fast and the energy was contagious, was something I longed for.] - I LIVE in that town. You are describing me. If I had a wish, I would wish for a million dollars and go love in NYC for a while.
4. [scoping out the side of the cone with a finger to stick it into her mouth.] - Do you mean to say "scooping" instead of "scoping?"
Hello, I am looking in your port for an item to feature in Editor's picks of my next Reviewing Newsletter. This is a daring piece that deftly blends somewhat obscure McCartney lyrics with the troubled life of a troubled young lady. I found the lyrics as soothing as she did.
I like the social commentary about education. The sentence about the girl reading "How to Win Them Over" made me laugh. You also have other issues in here. Presumably, her brother is struggling with his own sexual identity. You juggle a lot of issues, but you blend them all well.
Just a few corrections:
1. Hyphenate [all-expenses-paid] and [oops, I can't find the other one!]
2. [she was going to loose control if she didn’t stop soon.] - "Loose" should be "lose."
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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