Thank you for inviting me to read "Small Unknown." I think it has potential. The title is perfect for the genre of horror/sci fi. It makes the reader want to read the story. It is not easy to come up with a good title, so congrats.
The story flows at a good pace. The setting of the school is laid out well. The dialouge is natural and realistic. You really feel like you are in the locker room of a modern-day school.
The appearance of a strange-looking foreign exchange student is exciting. You know something is going to happen.
My suggestions for improvement is to first fix the many spelling errors. Then, the story moves too fast after Donovan appears. Slow it down a little. The horror of your story lies that a nice kid who was doing the right thing by being friendly to a weird new student dies. Bad things happen to good people.
So if it were my story, I would have some guys say "I don't know, man, something about that guy makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up." Show Donovan in class a little, maybe they can play some ball or walk to the store for soda. Don't have him confess something so personal in the locker room on his first day.
If you rewrite it, let me know and I will re-read and re-rate.
I saw this in Featured Items on the WDC home page under Writing. Congratulations on being featured. I have no idea what the theme of this poem is, but it is so relaxing and beautiful to read out loud. The writing is fabulous, touching. Please enlighten me as to what you were thinking when you wrote this; what the theme is.
Favorite line: Through the planet's skin of air, miles above our hands
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 6/07/07. Congrats on being featured! Your article is excellent. I learned about two concepts I had never heard of: centered prayer and holy imagination. I am so glad God cuddled you on His lap and enfolded you in His great arms. Afterwards, did you feel filled with the Holy Spirit?
What the human world cannot give us, our Father will.
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 6/07/07. Congrats on being featured. This is a poem of perfect rhythm and rhyme, with a prayer we all indeed could use. I try to be so eloquent in my prayers. Now, sometimes, I will just say HELP - or is that being lazy?
One correction: did you mean "wandering" instead of wondering?
I saw this in the Author's Newsletter of 6/07/07. I like how you put all your poetic musings in one item. Scrolling down, it is all easy to read.
My favorites are Possibility, Sailing Away, and Thinking Girl (Windy Day). They are fresh, original, and take me away to another place with the imagery and thoughts behind them. The other poems I felt had some cliched imagery and words and didn't have as much questioning thoughts behind them.
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. You are the black case whose item I chose to review.
I enjoyed reading this essay, as I love History. I enjoyed reading about Hebrew culture vs. Greek culture. I think you covered most of the bases. The quotes you used fit in seamlessly with your essay, enhancing it rather than relying on the quotes. This essay is a worthy effort, and only falls short in a few areas.
1. Your footnotes exclusively quote "Reader." An essay should use more than one source, preferably three. Using more sources shows that the writer has done good research.
2. You start sentences with "They" too often.
3. Some sentences could be longer. You have lots of short sentences that could be combined. Don't be afraid of longer sentences.
4. You talk about the Greek city-states, but you don't really say how different they were from one another. You say Greek men were taught the minimum of reading and writing, but their main goal was to become good soldiers and endure pain. That is true only of Sparta, not the other Greek city-states.
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. You are the newbie I am reviewing. I hope you enjoy your time on Writing.com and get good feedback on your writing.
I majored in History, so I love this poem. What an incredibly daunting challenge, to write a poem from the beginning of Henry XIII's reign to the end of Elizabeth I!!! I don't know if I could have done it.
My suggestions for improvement are:
1. You repeat the first two lines of the poem shortly afterwards. I think this is an error, but if it is not, repeating the lines does not lend anything to the story of the Tudors.
2. "And so his destiny was not over done" - It is not clear what you mean by "overdone." I think of a piece of meat being overdone, but how can one's destiny be overdone?
3. "And he was put in extensive care" - I think you mean "intensive" care.
4. "Not many people excepted her as queen" - Should be "accepted."
hi there I am judging Poetry's Prism this week for busy emma jean. Pleasure to read one of your poems again. I think this one has some great imagery like the mind being "a house with no windows in the middle of a storm." Wow.
Then I feel some imagery doesn't fit, like the last stanza doesn't quite resonate with me. Like, what exactly is the sparkle?
I am judging Poetry's Prism this week. Thank you for entering your poem. This is a nostalgic poem full of grandmotherly love, reaching through the generations.
I think you should condense the title to "The Grandma Game." It would be more concise and get the reader's attention.
I am judging Poetry's Prism this week. Thank you for entering a poem. I like this! I think the second line is a little too macabre, though. Is she a voodoo priestess, or a vampire? Can't be both.
Was Marie Laveau a real person? You have me intrigued. I think the title would be spicier and draw n more readers if you re-titled it the voodoo queen, and also give a historical footnote if she lived and is buried in New Orleans.
I am helping Tammy this week and judging Poetry's Prism. Thank you for entering your poem. I appreciate the old writing style. I can see the speaker sitting at a tavern with a mug of ale, telling his tale of woe. It is a very good poem over all. The only problem is the last line is very weak for an ending line.
I am co-judging with Lexi this round. Thank you for creating a poem. I am glad you found my title prompt challenging. I must confess I never expected such a morbid, horror poem to come from this title. It is truly scary. Good job. I see from your ratings that you have blown some horror lovers away. Would love to have you review a few of my poems sometime.
I am co-judging with Lexi this round. Thank you for creating and entering a poem. Oh, it is going to be so hard with many poems as good as yours. I love your beautiful poem. It has a reverent, spiritual tone with the theme of Nature, New Age, and Native American religion. Wonderful job. Would love to have you come and review some of my poetry.
Thank you for defining "drusy." I was about to look it up b/c I had no idea.
I am co-judging with Lexi this month. Thank you for entering a poem. Your poems is delightful and philosophical in its musings about thoughts and God. The form and rhythm is great.
I am co-judging with Lexi this month. Thank you for entering a poem. Your poem gave me shivers, especially the last three lines. I must know: by one reply, do you mean gunshot? I think the JFK assassination is a great and underused topic for poetry. I also wrote one! Please review:
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I am the guest judge for Lexi this month. She and I will be judging together. Thank you for entering your poem.
I like this poem a lot. I like that you chose one of the more challenging prompts. Your first two stanzas are very strong, especially the second. The third stanza is a little weak because of three words that could be replaced by more powerful ones: glistening, distant, and glory.
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 3/08/07. Congratulations on being featured. Congrats also for your beautiful awardicon.
I was moved by this poem, especially the first three stanzas. The feeling I got when reading it was the feeling when you are about to burst into tears, when feelings that have been welling up inside you reach critical mass. I have been there many times. The combination of pain and release is tangible when reading your poem.
Suggestions I have are for you to explain why the speaker is having a breakdown. What caused it? At the end of the poem, she is curled up like a child under her desk. Yet the reader has no reason why this occurred. In a way, you expect such a powerful catharsis to make the speaker stronger.
I read your poem several times. I feel instead of focusing on all the personal objects such as paper, pens, and a plastic camel, explain more about her internal feelings rather than what she sees.
I saw this in the Fantasy Newsletter of 1/03/07. "The Girl With the Cobalt Blue Eyes" is one of the sweetest and most heart-warming things I have ever read on the site. Every WDC member should read this. It is old-fashioned, wholesome, and touching, yet not a mite cornball or sugary. A masterpiece. I want to thank you for writing it and I beg you to submit it to every place you can think of in the hopes that it will brighten people's day as it has mine.
There are several punctuation and grammar errors. Normally, I would dock stars from my rating for that. But because of the quality of the piece, I am giving you the full five stars. Congratulations.
1. [She’d been sitting there for hours it seemed,] - Insert comma after "hours."
2. [refilling the pitcher with milk] - Replace pitcher with creamer. Restaurant tables don't a "pitcher." It is a "creamer," a mini-pitcher for holding milk or cream for coffee or tea.
3. [Squabbles over the red crayon had her attention back at the table and again, involved with her three darling boys.] - Sentence is awkward and needs to be revised. I suggest: Before she could give it a second thought, a squabble broke out over the red crayon. Once again, she was completely involved with her three darling boys.
3. [little thing/little thing] - In the first two paragraphs, you describe two female characters the same way. Keep the first one and replace the second with young woman/woman.
4. [Down at the far end an argument erupted.] - Insert comma after "end."
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 1/03/07. Congrats on being featured, and congratulations on your two-year anniversary on the site.
This poem is great. I can relate, especially to the line "thoughts that spark only to sputter out." And the poem really ends with a bang, one of the best endings of any poem I have read on this site.
The only suggestion I have is that oozing does not really work as a verb for fog. I don't like that imagery at all.
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 1/17/07. Congratulations on being featured.
Your story is wonderful. I would rate it higher if you gave examples of your father's schizophrenia rather than tacking it on at the end.
You have written this piece beautifully. The description of the little things in your life, like the bottle of Dawn on the sink, the colors in your father's painting, and your replanting the irises, make the reader relate to, and in fact, visit your world for a while. I feel as if I am looking out the window with you, spying on your dad.
Corrections:
"mantle" should be "mantel." A mantle is a cloak, a mantel a ledge over a fireplace.
[The man that used to walk stony creek beds with me and run under my swing that he pushed so high now labored to get in his car.] - Need commas. This sentence is too long to have no commas. Insert commas after "me" and "high."
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 1/17/07. Congrats on being featured.
I love reading Christmas stories year-round. Your story is so beautiful and heart-warming without being at all sugary, cornball, or maudlin. Not an easy achievement. Great work.
My corrections are technical. Otherwise, your story is perfectly written. If you fix these errors, it is five stars.
May the troops all come home safe and sound, soon.
1. [borrowed camouflage poncho, which were useless in this region.] - Should be "poncho, ponchos that were useless in this region."
I am visiting your port. I am so sorry you had a bad divorce. I recently read in the book Why? by Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughter) that divorce is "living death." Your poem really is very good. It makes the reader feel what you feel. My only suggestion is that the rhyming is not consistent. You should stick with one form, like abab, or just do a free verse. The random rhyming is really distracting.
The second stanza is especially beautiful and poetic.
I saw this item profiled as a Favorite of the Day in Gymnast's (Tigger) blog. Your poem is cute. Jeez, I wish I could copy this theme, fairies who live in a city . . . I may steal it in one form or another. I love the idea of them living in "crumpled cigarette packs."
I read your article in the Author's Newletter of 1/03/07. Congrats on being featured.
You chose a great subject, not just for the holidays, but for anytime. We always think of "peace and goodwill" as going hand in hand with Christmas.
Your article is highly cerebral; something I can just hear my pastor saying in a Sunday message. I first thought that your article did not have enough passion, but on setting it aside and reading it a second time, I changed my mind. I appreciate that you have approached what could be an emotional and maudlin diatribe filled with cliches, and instead created a logical, practical, and very well-structured call for peace and brotherhood, starting with each individual.
Suggestions: I don't see how Hollywood has portrayed citizens of lesser nations as "dull, weak, idiotic." You should include examples and/or elaborate further or take this part out entirely,
I disagree that we should "forgive ourselves for being materialistic." We should humble ourselves and ask God for forgiveness. You are missing that part about chastising ourselves for being selfish and thinking of ourselves at others' expense. Last, I suggest you include that we ask those individuals and nations we have offended to forgive us.
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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