This is a very humorous account of your time at an all-girl's slumber party. I'm sad to say that I have learned, being a woman and having attended one, that what every girl thinks happens at an all guy's sleep-over is true. I'm sorry that girls have somehow misled the boys of our species, but I think it's more of the boys being caught up in "wishful thinking."
We, women, on the other hand, know better, and we know that guys look at porn magazines, watch porn videos, and play poker, smoke cigars/cigarettes, and drink beer. If there is a pool table, they play with that. Occasionally, they will share stories of their sexual adventures, most of which are not true... and then, they pass out, some of them in the bathroom, praying to the porcelain God.
I have learnt this from attending a college that has a population that is more than 95% male, so even though I am a woman, since I go there, they consider me "one of the guys." I don't think they even notice I have a chest anymore... it's lost its novelty... but the point is that guys just have to face reality... women have already done this... why can't the men?
This piece really spoke to me. I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding to the point where it's so overwhelming, sometimes I can't take it any more, and I just want to hide under the covers of my bed, but then, I realize my bed looks like Oscar Madison's from "the odd couple"...
WritingML Suggestions
I would make the part about schitzophrenia a different color to offset it from the actual novel parts.
Overall Impression
This is very well written, and I like how you included that part about schitzophrenia, to explain it to readers who might not know that much about it, if they even know anything about it at all.
Grammar Advice
I think you should put a space between day and care, or at least a hyphen. It should be employees' section.
Overall Impression
I think this story is quite funny, but this isn't an uncommon occurance. As a general rule, I don't give money to strangers unless they ask for it (I live in NYC... I don't want to offend anyone!)
Very well written. I'd like to suggest you use the writingML tag {indent} to indent at the beginning of new lines and paragraphs. You may also choose to leave a line blank in between each line and/or paragraph. The reason for this is that it would serve to make this piece more aesthetically appealling, and it is easier for the reader to read.
This poem is so beautiful and erotic, and it reminds me of staring into Josh's eyes... they leave me forever hypnotized... he often asks me why I'm blankly staring at him, and I tell him that he hynotizes me... just like the guy in this poem hypnotizes the girl.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar erros in this. Great Job!
After your quote from AboutBipolar.com, you forgot to uncenter the text, and it would look so much nicer if you added a {/center} after the quote.
How are the Holidays treating your BiPolar? I find that the sugar rush, and the caffeine in the soda and the wine-a-flowing in my household during the holidays tends to aggrivate my bipolar.
This piece is really cool, because it gives people who aren't familiar with your interactive a head's up before they begin, so that they understand each character and locale mentioned in the story.
I like the format of this, but I'd like to suggest you either underline or bold each character's name to make it stand out, as you bolded and underlined headings. Or, you might want to consider adding an emoticon before each listing.
Hi! This piece needs to be rated as 13+, because you make reference sex in this piece.
Your spelling errors are too numerous to list. Your grammar is off, and you use the wrong tenses of verbs and you don't have subject/verb agreement. You also have numerous typos.
Your paragraphs should be indented through the use of WritingML. Also, in dialogue, when a new person speaks, it's a new paragraph.
I understand that this is a new piece and you are a new author (Welcome to Writing.Com), but this piece really needs to be edited. You might want to consider copying and pasting it into a word processing program, and using a spelling/grammar check tool. If you edit this, I will consider changing my rating to reflect that. Please email me to let me know when you have edited this piece.
They were separated, interrogated, and sent away from the country, and not being allowed to transact business in the United States. Run-on sentence. Break it into two sentences, IE "They were separated, interrogated, and sent away from the country. They were not allowed to transact business in the United States"
supossedly and "McCarthism"misspelt should be supposedly and "McCarthy-ism"
In a country which celebrates freedom of religion, and freedom of expression, and freedom of movement, such actions are clearly wrong. Take out the first "and."
His calm and peaceful demeanor in the face of this situation is commendable. Change "is" to "was"
his peaceful, heartfelt, thoughtful songs. sounds redundant... reword it... possibly take out 'thoughtful' so it would read 'his peaceful and heartfelt songs.'
Content Review:
I had no idea that this had happened. I am a HUGE fan of Cat Stevens. "I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul..." (and I'm only 20 and I listen to this stuff... LOL)
I love this poem! One thing stood out to me though... the entire poem is in blue lettering, and I live in NYC, and I can tell you that Graffiti is never only one color, so maybe you could make each stanza a different color, or make certain words different colors.
Thank you so much for sharing! Yes, I will pray for your mother, and for you and the rest of the family. I hope the surgery goes well. A cousin of mine had that surgery, and it saved his life.
On a technical note, you wrote "my Mom surgery" and it should be "my Mom's surgery." I'm sure it was just a typo, though.
Good poem, but I don't think you need to put the title or "by bob" in the text because that is in the title block, and so it's just assumed. You might also wish to consider centering the text with WritingML, and possibly adding some color to it. Keep up the good work
In the second stanza, I would make "In cool darkness" on it's own line. The capitalization at the beginning of the lines in this poem lack continuity. Sometimes you capitalize, when it is not the beginning of the sentence, but other times, you don't, and if there was a bit more continuity in the capitalization/punctuation, it would serve to make this poem more effective.
WRITE ON!
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This poem looks much better like this, so I re-evaluated my rating of it, and I changed it from a 4.5 to a 5.0, because the only thing I had seem wrong with it was that the bolding was aestheticly displeasing because the letters were too close together.
Aww wow! I never thought I'd see a letter to Santa written in Shakespearian sonnet, and yet, here one is, and so well done, although I'm not sure that milk exactly rhymes with quilt, but I guess that it's close enough, because I can't think of anything that would fit there better.
This is a beautiful poem, and I hope that you find peace in your life this month and always. I would like to suggest that you either unbold the text or unitalicize it.
I REALLY TRULY THIS PIECE! This is truly incredibly beautiful visual poetry! I would like to suggest that you put this on Writing.Com Tote Bags, Mugs, Mouse Pads and T Shirts, because this truly embodies what Writing.Com is really all about!
This is very well written, but I don't like how you continued a sentence from one stanza to the next between stanzas five and six.
Also, did the dog survive? I was a bit confused... was the dog shot by hunters? This is a very sad story, and what's even more sad is that those children were arrested and put in jail with criminals much older than them... and were probably exposed to things far worse than they may have come up with on their own.
I did enjoy your ending... as I have done study of serial killers, and most of them did harm animals as children... but don't be too quick to judge, because not all people who torchure animals turn into career criminals... I'm just playing devil's advocate here, though, so please don't think I'm nuts!
Hi! What struck me when I read this piece first was the beautiful language you use when you write. I must compliment you for that first. Your rhyme scheme is a little confusing though, because you don't rhyme the first and third lines with anything, but you rhyme the second line with the fourth line in each stanza. There's nothing wrong with this, it's just not a format I would choose to write in.
To Better The Poem: You aren't very consistant when you choose whether or not to capitalize the first word in a line. If you maintained more consistancy, this poem's structure would be stronger.
I found this piece. Some suggestions to make this item really POP!: Use writingML to bold things Instead of using dashes, use writingML to add bullets! You may also want to experiment with making different sections of this piece different colors!
You might want to use writingML to indent at the beginning of each new paragraph. You do that by using the tag {indent} wherever you want to indent something. WRITE ON!
This is a beautiful poem. I am currently living in the Bronx Borough of New York City. We are not hardened at all. Yes, some are slightly desensitized by all that we see, but I believe that anyone living under the conditions New Yorkers do, and see what they see would have a similar attitude.
This work is very scholarly. If I might ask, what level of educational background do you possess? This sounds like something a college professor might write.
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WRITE ON! 
WritingML Suggestions 
Grammar Advice 
They were separated, interrogated, and sent away from the country, and not being allowed to transact business in the United States.
Run-on sentence. Break it into two sentences, IE "They were separated, interrogated, and sent away from the country. They were not allowed to transact business in the United States"
misspelt should be supposedly and "McCarthy-ism"
In a country which celebrates freedom of religion, and freedom of expression, and freedom of movement, such actions are clearly wrong. 
His calm and peaceful demeanor in the face of this situation is commendable.
THIS PIECE! This is truly incredibly beautiful visual poetry! I would like to suggest that you put this on Writing.Com Tote Bags, Mugs, Mouse Pads and T Shirts, because this truly embodies what Writing.Com is really all about!
I must compliment you for that first. Your rhyme scheme is a little confusing though, because you don't rhyme the first and third lines with anything, but you rhyme the second line with the fourth line in each stanza. There's nothing wrong with this, it's just not a format I would choose to write in. 
Use writingML to bold things
