This is a great piece of writing. The style and detail were excellent. Characterisation was good, especially of Helen and Joseph. The plot was well organised, if a tad predictable.
There are some errors, that won't show on spellcheck, you need to go through it with a fine-tooth comb, just things like "to" instead of "the" and occasional missed words. It did not spoil my reading of it.
For anyone who likes gangster fiction, this story is a must. Well done.
This is a charming sentiment that any girl would be pleased to feel she had inspired. It is gentle and non-treatening and as a cautious overture it works well.
There are parts of the poem that you may want to omit if you ever really did want the girl to read it. "You are the reason I want to live again." would flash alarm bells for many young women. It puts too much responsibility on the object of your love and makes you sound depressive. You may be depressive but it is not always good to advertise the fact. Also, if you are young, the depression of adolescence is not a character trait but a phase.
There are quite a few punctuation and grammar improvements you could make. I am not a stickler for punctuation but a few commas would help the reading of this poem. Here are a few corrections that could be made.
"And I feel like, around you, I could really win."
"...I had to find a way to go."
"I'm just left, missing you..."
"... that I could ever forget.."
I enjoyed this story and read eagerly to the end. It is not a genre I read very much, nowadays but I used to be a big fan of Brian Aldiss and Arthur C. Clark.
I like the implication of criticism of our modern attitudes to embargo and drug distribution. This is sci-fi with a conscience.
I spotted one speling error, not that I was looking for them; at one point, and I can't find it now, you spell bowels as bowls.
This is well written and interesting. The cruelty of the protagonist is believable because you give reasons for it. You offer an understanding of his disfunctional behaviour. This makes good character development.
Good, mature writing of this nature, belies the category of "romance/relationship".
The only tiny complaint I have is "emerald eyes". It is a very unusual colour for eyes and jars somewhat in this realistically described story.
The only reason that I have not given this piece 5 stars is because I will save 5 stars for a story, as good as this one but, with greater plot development.
I read some of your other work, after reading "A Normal Day Indeed" and before writing this review.
I was looking for clues. This is not a good sign. I wanted to discover how real this story was. There are some inconsistencies in the telling of the story which made me wonder about its authority.
Firsly, Easa is described as silent until he is four years old. He then acquires the nickname of zippy because he was always chattering. This needed some clarification.
It only becomes obvious that you are an older sibling of Easa quite late in the story. This is surprising because you have been writing in a past tense, omniscient point of view. You cannot really tell the reader about Easa's inner thoughts if you are another character in the story. Easa's inner thoughts, as a four year old, are too sophisticated. "The boy fails to see how faith can mean little more that believing in God or denying his existence." This is far too lucid a phrase for a four year old.
You continue the story in the present tense, sometimes lapsing back into past tense. These tense switches must be avoided. They cause confusion.
The mustard gas threat was very subtly handled. I did wonder, though, about how the child would have seen the gas and not have been killed by it. Did he have a mask? How did he know what it looked like if he hadn't experienced it? Death by mustard gas is graphically described in "Dulce Est Decorum Est.." by Wifred Owen. Your mention of numbness, hardly seemed adequate.
The death of the parents is shocking and, yet it seems to be dealt with in a fatalistic manner. Again, how did the older brother (the point of view) obtain the image of his father killing himself? I felt that the drama and tragedy could have been more explicit; this would have made it more credible.
The final denouement, revealing the taboo of incest seemed gratuitous. It was an important factor in the story but it seemed to be an after-thought. It would have been better to bring it into the story earlier, maybe during the rose-cutting scene.
Generally I found this story to be a serious attempt to describe the horrors of the Iraqi-Iraninan conflict on a very personal level. It deserves praise for its handling of a difficult subject. More care over the technicalities of story-telling would have improved the effect.
Finally, if this is written from any level of personal experience, my heart goes out to you. I wish you luck in all you do.
I'd like to hear the tune for this one. It is definitely a lyric.
This is an expression of the perennial complaint, "She wants to change me." Damn right she does. Only an arrogant man would think he doesn't need changing; and if he was arrogant, that in itself, would be something that needs changing.
I love this song. It would sell a trillion sung by Tina Turner or Shania Twain. Good work.
This is a good story and with, just a few reservations, it is well written.
The first two paragraphs are rushed and need more sensitive writing or omitting. It is not good style to tell rather than show, as I am always being reminded by reviewers, myself.
The main body of the story is excellent. You then return to the quick-fix school of story telling in the paragraph after the crash. Normal service is resumed until the final paragraph. So that is four paragraphs I did not like and the rest was great.
I would concentrate on these areas and try to improve the flow.
One other thing; do kids really talk to each other in the way you describe in America? I'm British and if someone called me a "dumb-ass" and a "stupid bitch" I'd walk away and never acknowledge their presence again. Even as teenagers we speak to each other, far more respectfully than that. It would be an unforgivable insult to use such epithets against anyone. Just as a matter of interest, is this realistic?
I like your writing and story-telling skills. Thank you.
Funny story. I hope the Captain let him off for the laugh he had given him. Humour is a powerful tool of bonding.
I was shocked that officers would behave like this. In the British army, the officers are gentlemen (on the surface, anyway) and are not required to bully the recruits, that is the job of NCOs.
This was interesting and well written. There are some punctuation points, which I do not normally go into but if you don't mind: you should separate a series of adjectives with commas. eg; "...white, two-stor(e)y, wooden buildings..." "...highly-polished, maroon-colored..."
I couldn't help casting Eddy Murphy in the role of Elliot, in my mind's eye.
The story is great. I know you explain that it was an e-mail but it wouldn't take you too long to edit it and make it easier to read. Go on, you know you want to.
I think you have the natural story-tellers talent. You give just enough detail, suspense and internalising. Very well done.
When my husband comes in, I say,
"Shhh, I'm writing / reading." so this poem made me stop and think about giving him a little more time. Just a little, I don't want him to become narcissistic.
Seriously, this is a charming poem. One slight inaccuracy in the penultimate line: "relish in the smile..." should be "revel in..." or keep "relish" and remove "in". I would quite like, "bask in the smile on his face." or even, to make a sexy pun try, "basque in the smile on his face."
I'm sorry, I appear to be in a flippant mood today.
I'm afraid this is not my taste. I don't think it is bad but it is not great. Hence the average rating.
I could not identify with the protagonist. Even comedy needs to have an element of pathos so that the reader cares about it. The very short sentences make for a crisp pace but more explanation and description is needed.
This would probably appeal to some readers and so I do not want to put people off. You may get rave reviews from a different sort of reader. I think it will be enjoyed by the sort of people who like Beavis and Butthead, which has a huge audience.
One error, I must point out, is in the second chapter. You mention a tank of water and then, suddenly it has no water in it. Mistakes like this detract from the humour, because they seem lazy.
Do not be discouraged. You admit that it is not a serious literary effort. I think comedy should be taken seriously. Maybe my problem with this, is just my problem.
I will read some of your other work and discover what you are capable of.
I once knew a couple who had made and lost fortunes. One day, the wife, Jo, left her husband because she could not stand the roller-coaster life any longer. She lived, with their two sons, in a modest home in London. They totally lost touch with the father. Then one summer, Jo and the boys travelled to Canada for a hoilday. Her parents had recently retired there. One evening, the grandparents looked after the boys and Jo went out on the town. She walked into a bar and there, in a corner, wearing an old pair of dungarees and a red neckerchief was her ex-husband. He had been living in Canada and had just sold a new invention to the aeronautical industry. He was about to begin another dramatic up-sweep in his fortunes. They remarried and this time round, they have stewarded their finances more carefully. Now what are the chances of that? It's true though.
Anything is possible in this strange world of ours.
Thank you for your up-lifting story and the memories it brought back for me.
I do think you need to bring you characters to life a little more and take longer thinking about plot.
This story left me feeling despondent. We, in Britain, always used to say that American movies had to have happy endings. I suspect the American film-makers heard this and started making movies with ambiguous or pessimistic endings.
This story needs some resolution to pacify my nervous nature. After all, in life, something would happen. Sharon would not get away with it for ever. I believe that a short story should be a window and not a panorama. So I argue against my own point.
What are you saying about marriage, fidelity and the two sexes? The message I got from the story was that men are stupid to blame a woman's displeasure of PMS.
This macarbre story is precise and cynical. The idea of an artist shooting himself in front of his students has massive, dramatic potential.
The cynicism of an artist making his final work the splatter pattern of his own blood, is very stylish. It says so much about common attitudes to modern art.
I really appreciate the simplicity of the tale. It could be rewritten as a poem and thus escape the calls for more detail, from those who like time to immerse themselves in the possibilities.
You should be commended for drawing attention to bad published poetry. One of my favourites is the famously, unintentionally funny, William McGonagall. See his poem "Tay Bridge Disaster". In fairness he did vanity publish, and became known as the "poet laureate of the Tay Bridge".
I hate John Donne. Samuel Taylor Colleridge wrote these superb lines:
On Donne's Poetry
With Donne, whose muse on a dromedary trots,
Wreathe iron pokers into true-love knots;
Rhyme's sturdy cripple, fancy's maze and clue.
Wit's forge and fire-blast, meaning's press and screw.
What do you think of that, It makes you love Colleridge, doesn't it?
You feel very strongly about the injustice of the love of beauty. Believe me, it is all to do with maths and the ratio 1:1.638. That aside, I think your poem expresses your anger very fully. If you take that anger and use it to explore the subject more deeply you may find a more satisfying release. For instance how does the desire for silky hair and a slim body effect society? Why should it bother you? What is the difference between a beautiful woman and a beautiful object? Is it wrong to value beauty in nature or just in women?
As someone once said, "Of course beauty is only skin deep, we'd look dreadful without skin."
Railing against injustice is fine but directing your mind to use your anger creatively is where it's at.
Have a look at something beautiful and then compare your feelings as expressed in the poem to the feeling that beauty gives you. Then write about it. That would make a truly interesting poem.
Your emotions are very well developed, thank you for sharing them with me.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog.
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