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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for posting this great travelogue on, "Invalid Item" . I am sorry I did not review it earlier. But there is consolation at the end of this review.

I love the humour in this piece. You had me smiling from the start.

I thought Joe Montana was a primadonna for not letting you photograph him. The irony of your not being able to photograph a man only to be faced with crowds illicitly photographing the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel is horrific. I felt all that anger and disappointment with you. It sums up the over-inflated sense of their own worth, displayed by many celebrities.


Suggestions:

Example:"...the instant the person would turn to look,..." you can omit the "would" and make the verb perfect tense *Right* "...the instant the person turned to look..." this flows better. There are other places where this treatment would smooth the flow.

EXAMPLE: "I started remembering that I was going to be inspired and spiritually moved." occasionally you use too many words, *Right* I remembered I was going to be inspired and spiritually moved."

Typo: "...entrance of the chapel listing to the guide ... *Right* "...listening..."

Typo: "I, too, was then touched." you don't need the comma after "I".

You have won the January round of "Invalid Item" . I was gripped by your writing, thank you for entering. Here are 10,000 GPs for your trouble *Smile*.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of The Polar Bear  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon3*{:flower3}*Balloon3*WELCOME
TO WRITING.COM*Balloon3**Flower3**Balloon3*


Your first poem is wonderful.

Does he have chips with that fish supper?*Laugh*

I love the way you have described the polar bear's shape and movement. The line about his shadow across the snow is really lovely.

You should look out for some contests, you could win lots of prizes with poems like this.

Love
Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Choices  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a fast-paced verse with good meter and rhyme.

I like the idea of a fork in the road, but it is not wholly original. That does not really matter here because you have captured the torment of choosing to keep a friendship going or not.

My only real criticism is that the last line spoils your otherwise perfect rhyming scheme. I think you should find another line and get the rhyme right. "Path" is a difficult rhyme, so consider changing that too.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of The Lemon Tree  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great little verse that would help young writers discover the art of rhyme and meter. Thank you so much for posting it on "Invalid Item" .

I like the line at the top, explaining what a triplet is. The ingenious illustration of a lemon tree, made up of smiles, is terrific.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of SERENADE  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is so good to hear thes words from a man. I have to say that it is not always the man who forgets to show his appreciation, though.

The structure of this poem, as always in your poetry, Dr M C Gupta , is very precise. It is a joy to read poetry which has been so carefully crafted. It leaves the reader free to appreciate the message.

The language of this poem is quite practical. You have included one item of imagery, in stanza 10, "Man is a rudderless mast." I would like to see more of this sort of metaphor in your work. I think imagery is important in all poetry, because it is a good way to make a poem live in the reader's imagination.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Dying  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item" .

This poem is interesting, not least because it seems to be written by a dead person. Now, I'm not big on voices from the grave, but I suppose there is poetic licence. It's just that the last words are, "...The End", but it isn't is it? This dead person has been able to come back and talk about it.

I think the informal style of this poem works well. There is an atmosphere of someone chatting over a beer, bemoaning the gritty reality of death.

I particularly liked the simile near the end, "My memories dimmed like a
Candle at the bottom of its wax." this is vivid and expressive.

The structure of the poem is very loose. Words have been chosen for their meaning, rather than their sound or rhythm.

My suggestions for improving this poem are to consider the sound of your words more. Think about the structure and make it work in your favour. Short lines for tension, longer lines for more a relaxed mood etc..

I hope this is of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*

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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dr M C Gupta Thank you so much for posting this poem on "Invalid Item"  I loved each juicy word.

You are a devotee of strict rhyming schemes and this is illustrated by this poem. I loved most of them but felt one or two were a little unnatural; dare I cite, mango and tango?

I was fascinated to read the short list of local names; "Dussehri, Chausaa, Langadaa,
Alfonso and Safeda, It made me smile to think of the succulent, sultry fruit having a name like, Alfonso. A friend of mine has a large white duck called Mango, I will have to tell her she should give it the nickname, Alfonso*Bigsmile*.

You may want to consider the repetition of the word }palate. It is not a particularly pretty word and the repetition does not seem to add to the poem, in my opinion.

Thanks again, I enjoyed this poem.

best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I loved this reminiscence of your trip to see "Wings". I was lucky enough to see The Beatles, not that I'm trying to make you jealous or anything *Smile*. If it makes you feel any better, I had to go because my mother and (much older) sisters could not find a baby-sitter; I was only 3 years old at the time.

Suggestions:

"{b]I have all the American released albums of the Beatles. I have a lot of their individual albums too. I have (implied)never parted with ..." too many, "I haves...", in quick succession.

"There is a song to cure each mood I have." I would scrap the "I have" if I were you; It is not necessary.

" I also, in the 1980s, invested in an expensive German turntable, Bang-Olfson brand." *Right* "In the 1980s I invested in an expensive, Bang-Olfson turntable."

"...even when I would do aerobics.." I would omit the "...would do..." here, and just use did.

"..,body power, ... I am sure you had plenty of this, but maybe you mean, "body poder..."*Smile*.

"It didn't show up immediately, so I finished the bottle of champagne before the cab arrived." I think you need to trim a little here, how about, While I waited for it to arrive, I finished the bottle of champagne.

"I paused to buy a t shirt from a vendor on my way to mine." this is the beginning of a new paragraph, therefore you must not use the pronoun, you need to say, my seat or do not have a paragraph break; which would probably be better.

"...which PETA so infamously does. ..." do you really mean this? I think you want, famously does; I might be biased.

"It was the other side of the freeway, but not the freeway I needed. " this is a strange paragraph break, again. I would leave this as prt of the previous paragraph if I was you. The paragraph break should go before this, "By now, an hour after ..."

"...I neglected to call a cab before I exited the hallways inside the huge complex." this seems unwieldy, try, ...I hadn't called a cab before I left the foyer..."

Bits I Really Liked:

"After about an hour of driving the route I'd traced in yellow pencil on the map,..." I love this phrase. It is details like this that makes the whole item so charming.

" "Let It Be" was indeed a spiritual experience. McCartney encouraged the audience to sing the "la la" part in sections: right, left, middle, girls, and men each filled the tremendous stadium with the simple,familiar tune..." a wonderful piece of expression; I felt it with you.

I absolutely loved this paragraph, it is so true, "The tee shirt didn't hold up as well as the memories of the night. I...until the printing was so faded that you couldn't read what it ever was, but I knew."

I hope this review is of some use to you,.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Hoosh-hoosh??  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent!

I was led to your portfolio by your lovely reviewing style. I thought, this person knows their onions. I discover that you also know your cats*Bigsmile*.

I have a weakness for humorous verse, and this is worthy of Ogden Nash. Well done.

Prrrrr.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Ghost Driver  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you so much for making me laugh by posting this on "Invalid Item" . That's not because I think it is laughable that you should think this may win the prize, but because it was a funny, well-written piece *Bigsmile*. It was so accurate that I feel I could mimic the journey.

Having recently experienced the kindness of Californian drivers as I pootered up the wrong-side of a Sanfranciscan service road, near the airport, very late at night, having only just arrived from dear old Blighty, I had lots of sympathy for you. Then I saw that you had been in Germany for five years, so you're just an idiot!*Laugh*

I loved the detail of you having checked out the route two weeks before. My parents always used to do that. I remember them saying,

"You don't want to be late, so make sure you check out your route, by driving there, the night before." All very well, but rush-hour traffic has a habit of making roads that are blissfully deserted the night before, become seething snakes of steel and exhaust fumes the following morning.

There was just one little-bitty typo, "In the America,..." scrap "the".

Thanks for the schadenfreud.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*

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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think this is a powerful metaphor and am so glad you posted it on "Invalid Item" .

The title and lead line is a useful prompt for the dozy reader: "Who is playing with whom?". I could easily have missed the point here and, I warn you, many will.

You played so elegantly with this idea. I really loved it. Well done.

I am sorry, but I can't find a nit to pick.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of I pine  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this on "Invalid Item" .

The message of this poem is fine. I think there are few who would not understand or sympathise with it.

My suggestions for improvement include improving the scantion, avoiding cliche and some word selection problems.

You have written this poem with a formal structure but you have not been very strict with the rhythm. For example, only flaws and blemishes, we detect does not scan. There are ten syllables in this line, whereas the previous stanza had, 8 syllables in the equivalent line. I think the shorter line works better, so you will need to change the last lines of stanzas 2,3 and 4 to match stranza 1. You could check out the syllable count for the whole poem; and make this a much smoother read.

The cliche that I spotted was One above I would recommend finding some better phrase here. It may mean scrapping the love/above rhyme.

The word selection hints I havce to offer are related to your idea image of the thorny rose. This is quite an over used image. Maybe you could come up with something more original.

I hope this is useful.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*

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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very funny and clever poem. I love the pun at the end*Laugh*.

The title is a stroke of genius. It is a clever use of the "man bites dog" principle of head-line writing.

I agree with another reviewer, that you need to sort out the rhythm. Even in a funny poem, getting the scantion right will improve it.

I am a great believer in giving dogs human names; not for me, Rover, Patch or Snoopy. I was delighted to see that your ex-dog was called Pete. You might like to meet my poodle, Roger. "Invalid Item"  and "Invalid Item" 

Thanks for posting this inspired poem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I saw the review by M. DeVille and decided to vote in this poll. I voted YES.

I thought M. DeVille gave a very thoughtful response to your question in her review, but would like to add a few more points.

While marriage may be about raising children, it is not only about raising children. Many heterosexual marriages produce no children but are successful. To me, marriage is about becoming family, next of kin and most cherished partner in an emotional and legal sense. For this reason, same-sex marriage is valid.

If same-sex spouses want to rear a family, they can adopt or use some other method of breeding such as surrogacy etc.. There is no reason, in my view, why same-sex parents cannot provide good role models to their children. I do not accept that children need a female and a male role model. In today's world many children are reared by single parents. Heterosexual parents may not comform to male and female stereo-types anyway. Would it be correct to say that a man and woman who are both career-driven should not marry?

I believe that it is not the state's job to decide who should marry who. All arguments, that I have heard so far, denying gay marriage do not stand up because the same criticisms could be levelled at male/female marriage.

There; that's my tuppence worth. What do you think?

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Antonia  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This story has a completeness that is often lacking in short stories, my own included.

The theme of parental expectation and unreasonable self-flaggellation was well expressed if a little heavy-handed.

Details, such as the sending of messengers and the references to the suitor by his initial only, were good touches. They made it clear that this was a story from a different time.

The ending was not entirely necessary. The epilogue could have been handled more subtly by making the singer the subject of an idle conversation or something like that.

I would be interested to know what the prompt for this story was.

Thank you for posting it on "Invalid Item" . I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Empathy  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This enigmatic tale could stand a lot more clarification. I am still not sure, after reading it twice, what has happened. How is Margaret involved with Robert and Anne-Marie? Was Anne-Marie killed in a parking lot, when she was 16 years old? How was Margaret or Robert responsible for that? The reference at the end to not going to Robert, that night is not explained.

There seems to be a motif of ageing and mid-life crisis running through this story, which I thought was leading us to an affair between Margaret and Robert, but now I think I misinterpreted that.

I think you need to show much more of this story for it to gain credibility.

I love your whimsical scenes and description of insignificant details. There is a great texture to your writing.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am impressed by this allegory. It is rich and clear. You have taken a fairly simple idea and run a long way with it.

The structure of the poem is sound. You have used rhythm and rhyme well. The shorter lines of the third stanza reflect the catastrophic speed of the engulfing of the child.

The final stanza is a worthy climax and I appreciated the philosophy behind the image.

The only reason I have not given this a perfect 5 star rating is that it is not perfectly stunning in its concept. It is very good, but just short of perfect.

Thank you for posting this poem of "Invalid Item" .

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Olympia  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
There are many things I liked about this story. Your use of imagery and detail was quite inspired. For example, "...he remembered admiring the light tap
of her heel followed by the smooth motion onto the balls of her
dainty feet.

I had trouble staying with this story. By that, I mean that it did not hold my interest. I read to the end as a courtesy, because you asked me to, and not because I couldn't wait to see what happened next. The problem is that the plot is not gripping enough, for me.

"He didn't even remember them walking through the empty streets to her
flat, but suddenly all that was, was her, Sentences like this seem, to me, to be a device to avoid description and to move the story on to the next scene. This is a symptom of the author not really being there.

The erotic over-tones of this piece are unmistakable. She eased him into her
arms and he shuddered with bliss as he felt her hard, slim body
against the length of his own. but it reads like the fantasy of a young man and does not have any reality or honesty about it.

I found the lay-out distracting. Why have you set each sentence on a new line? This is unconventional and I could not fathom a reason for it.

I am sorry to sound so negative, and in your favour, I do think you show skill as a writer. Maybe you need to develop a stronger plot and select a genre which brings out more of your skills. A good trick, when developing plot skills, is to use the bare bones of an established story; a folk-tale or fairy-story for instance.

Thank you for posting this on "Invalid Item" . Please do not be discouraged by my opinion, it is only my opinion.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
This fascinating article explains so clearly; a beginners guide to writing ghazals. Is the plural, ghazals?

I am now impatient to try one for myself. Thank you so much for introducing me to this lovely form of poetry.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is very well written. You led me into the story with excellent description and sensitivity. The protagonist is hardly a sympathetic character, but you make him interesting. I read on, eager to discover the explanation for, and result of his contradictory traits.

I am a little dissatisfied by the denouement. It seems to me that he was finding a morality all on his own; how were the girl, tramp and uncle manefestations necessary? I have to admit that your use of magical realism, in this way, surprised me.

It seems to me, that a man capable of such empathy would not be capable of the atrocities described here; but that's the suspension of disbelief that I was happy with, until the end. His epiphany could take a more realistic form.

Tiny technical suggestions:
typo:I can't to see my Mandy. *Right* I can't wait to see my Mandy.

Bobby/Robert is this essential? I'd stick to Bobby or Robert. I understand that good is Robert, and bad is Bobby, but you do not need both at any one time.

An interesting tale.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Angelus Arelius
Thank you for posting this story on my review forum; "Invalid Item" .

This is a genre that I do not read very much. I prefer stories of everyday meaning and relevence. You have done well to portray the different characters of the two men. The contarst works well.

Some of your descriptive passages are good but a little distant. I think you should do a little more research and actually walk in a cold dark cave. You would find so many more authentic ideas to use. I do not mean to be patronising, but there is nothing more effective than writing from experience.


Technical Suggestions:

"In the same manner, each of the parishioners drank of the wine, which, in the same manner as the bread" avoid repetition.

"...with as much haste as they could muster." *Right* "...with as much haste as piety allowed." may be more what you're getting at.

"...cool nocturnal air..." *Right* "... cool night air...". Nocturnal means active at night.

" He almost seemed to think it was smiling." *Right* "It seemed, to him, to be smiling."

"...wan and pallid." this is an example of tautology. Wan and pallid are virtually synonymous, you do not need both.

"...the more he began to observe ..." *Right* "...the more he observed..."


I hope this review is of some use to you.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Dear Mommy  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is full of suppressed emotion; "the truth within my heart..." and "all the pain that's deep inside..." you need to get it out there. I know you might think that is what this poem is about but in fact you are still suppressing and editing.

Writing poetry about distress and depression is very useful, therapeutically, for the poet. You have the skill though, to do so much more than that. You could really open this up and express yourself more fully.

Here you describe paranoia,
Everyone's looking at me,
with the rain decieving their eyes.... There could be far more expansion of this experience. You could delve a little deeper.

Here you could explain more;
but deep inside a different coldness
seeps the life right out of me... What is the coldness? Why? How? etc..,

By exploring your feelings you will offer greater insight.

I like your choice of language and can feel the tension in this poem. Your use of rhyme is coherant and is often to great effect. I particularly like, "if I would disappear from your eyes,
I'm sick of my lies to you..." because the internal rhyme of eyes and lies confirms the unfinished nature of this issue.

I would love to read a more open version of this poem.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Flatland Holiday  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
This bright and engaging travel story made me laugh. Thank you for posting it on "Invalid Item" .

I'm glad you eventually told us you were 8 at the time. I'm not au fait with the Canadian school grading system *Smile*. Age 8 would have been called "Junior 1" in the 70s here (UK).

One suggestion would be for you to try to use fewer brackets (parenthesis)*Smile*.

This is definitely a man's travelogue. The technical details were very clear.

Thanks again for a great read.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog *Flower5*
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Review of On the Road Again  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are a young writer, although I suspect you are now older than 11 (the age you were on this trip). I think you put this together well. You kept it very simple. The thread of anxiety about arriving on time was a good device.

I particularly liked, "I felt the wind throw itself across my face and smelt the fresh Maine air."

I would have liked to see more description of the passing scenery and, maybe conversation within the car.

I would avoid using emoticons in your writing if I were you. They should be kept for e-mails and other informal writings.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Wes'Turned  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this story. Yes it is crafty and delightfully spoofy. I loved your turn of phrase and clever misdirection.

Suggestions:

I would urge you to set this out with each new speaker's speech in new paragraphs. Separate your paragraphs with line-spaces.

Get rid of the silly by-line at the end. I know Mavis Moog is no great shakes as a pen name but it knocks spots off Marked Wane*Bigsmile*.

Thanks for posting this on my forum, "Invalid Item"  I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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