This poem is a very feeling poem, as opposed to visual. I have to admit that I am predominantly a visual person so I had to read this three times to get the full gist of it. It seems to me that it is about dreaming of finding a soul-mate.
Structure
This blank verse is never-the-less poetic. You have avoided mundanity and the pattern of the lines in each of the stanzas is pleasing. Set in centre, the stanzas appear to be drops of water; tears maybe.
Language
The words, "muck" and "darkness" are a fair contrast with the "silver shards". This poem describes the secrecy of night as a "sanctuary" and the "light ripping into" it is unwelcome. This is an unusual view of light and dark.
I like the use of the word "trickle" to describe the movement of the "dancers". It seems to support the feint water reference, mentioned earlier.
"Spiraling downward,
Into your arms.
these lines are intriguing. Again you use language which contradicts the accepted norm. One usually thinks of "spiralling downwards" to mean descent into misery. I think this contrary expression works well and is an interesting technique.
Imagery
Very little of this poem is cliche but I am not happy with the phrase "silver shards" it is uncharacteristically average. You might want to find a more startling image here.
I enjoyed the imagery of the dancers "tipping their hats" It adds a vaguely comedic flavour to the poem.
"The light rises,
ripping in to our sanctuary." these lines are also good imagery. I think it could be made stronger by using more vivid words for "light rises" try, " "dawn dazzles" or "dawn blazes" I think this would add power here.
Generally
This poem is sad and moving. I can identify with it. Your expression is honest and dramatic.
This is a very strange little piece. I like it but think it needs some polishing.
The advice part it cloying. It is not original and sounds self-glorifying. One does not normally boast about the kindnesses one performs. These were my thoughts as I was reading the words to the heart-broken girl.
The final lines save it. I see that the protagonist is not as patronising as I has been lead to think. That is a clever twist and it mirrors (excuse the pun) the way people actually behave when they are trying to reassure themselves.
As for the polishing; you need to paragraph and structure this better. The spoken/thought words should be in speech marks or in italics and they should be spaced out in new paragraphs. These are courtesies to the reader and help the impact of your work.
This is a piece of blank verse and you could categorise it under "poetry" rather than "other".
The poem is well expressed but there are some strange constructions in it. For example,
"... I stumble upon my feet." more conventional construction would be ...I fall over my feet." I do not want to encourage you to use well-used phrases though, so maybe your unusual one works best. ....my eagerness trips me." would be a neither cliche not awkward.
...imagining of the blanket of heaven, " The "of" that I have made bold should be omitted.
"...journey of lofe..." this is a typo. You need life.
The "fly out of the window" repetition is good because it emphasisies the ambiguity. Flying out of a window is an image of gaining freedom. It can be a yearning for escape and to fly - like a bird. There is also the meanace in the line of someone wanting to fly out of the window and to her death.
Please do not use text-laguage in your writing. ",,,the hearthaches u caused." to use a good old English expression, it is really naff!
Please can it become possible to edit reviews. I am particularly mad with myself when I have forgotton to switch off ML tags. It makes the careful work of the review look ridiculous.
I think you are a bolshy madam but I agree with everything you say. Although I am guilty of writing "please review" on plug pages. I will ammend my ways.
I do think some of your turns of phrase are very scary."..Hell, I couldn't give a rat's ass if they agree with my suggestion or not,..." You say you do not want to turn readers away; have you thought of trying to be a little more diplomatic? I can just hear your response to that suggestion...and my ears are burning..
Generally, I support you all the way and it is useful to be able to get these matters out in the open.
You're back on full form. This story is fantastic, terrific, spine-chilling, gripping and you are right, it needed to be told.
I am in no doubt that the encounter in the trenches of 1918 between two soldiers, a Jew and and Austrian took place. You tell it with photographic accuracy and crystal (nacht) clarity. I was spell-bound through-out.
Two tiny errors: "...facts, that, to my knowledge, has never seen print." you need "have".
"...machinegun..." needs to be hyphenated.
An example of your superb use of imagery and language: "...his mouth a collapsed mine shaft, littered with soil."
Keep up the good work. It is only a matter of time before you are a big name.
Wow! I thought you must have missed the "non-fiction" requirement for this forum when I read your, almost, incredible story. No wonder the FBI were interested in you.
Thank you so much for posting your fascinating tale on the
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. This is just the sort of thing I was hoping for. There are so many terrific tales out there just waiting to be told.
I loved the development of tension and the detail. It worked well to spin a tale of atmosphere and surprise.
Having aoided a mugging by teenagers on motor-scooters in Naples by pulling them off their bikes I think you and I have taught those cheeky locals a lesson or two.
I thoroughly enjoyed your contribution to
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.
A couple of little errors: " in our small German car rental." maybe you want "rental car".
"In Belgium I mostly remember finding the humor in being there on a Tuesday but there were also some glorious castle ruins we climbed through. I find this sentence confusing. Do you mean "It was funny being in Belgium on a Tuesday because....... There were some glorious ruined castles which we climbed through (clambered over)."?
You are an accomplished poet of humour. This poem is terrific. I like the humility and the high-lighting of an often neglected poetic requirement; clarity.
Too often lesser poets think that their shallowness and wind-baggery will be disguised by enigmatic grammar and unintelligible pseudo-symbolism. This poem works as a rap on knuckles for such charlatans.
I hope they know who they are and take note. Keep up the good work.
This piece made me want to shout. Then I realized that it may be fiction. I sincerely hope that you do not feel like this.
We are all unique. That in itself is not enough to make us worth anything more than our constituents. Life partnership, equally, does nothing to affirm our status. Think of Bonny and Clyde, Brady and Hindley or Rosemary and Fred West.
It is fine if we find that special someone but it does not mean that those who don't are failures.
This well-written piece is a good stimulant.Thanks.
This works beautifully as a letter to a beloved Grandpa.
The rashes of exclamation and question marks could probably be reduced by rubing a little ointment on, but I suppose that would be how you would write to your Grandpa; it's not supposed to be a literary tour de force.
Your Grandpa sounds like he was indeed a liberal Republican, I am sure he would be proud of you.
Thia ia a magical tale told with great attention to vivid description.
Because of your handle, I kept thinking that you were going to encounter a herd of green giraffes so was surprised by the true nature of your visitors.
I spotted a few errors which I have detailed below.
"...a problem with them that was what was what I sensed." typo alert! The bold words need deleting.
"Yet they made not a sound," and "They stirred not a muscle,..." this construction seems a little archaic. try, "...made no sound..." and, "...did not stir a muscle...".
"...familiar looping gallop." do you mean "loping gallop"?
"...the sweat glistened off their muscular chests," I would suggest "on" instead of "off" here.
"And so we travel, through you lands." typo alert! You want "your".
This is structurally and technically good. The subject is horrid! What a dreadful time you must have been going through. I am so glad that this was written some time ago and you now feel more hopeful.
The last two stanzas make a great job of describing the experience that they describe. I think your imagery is very good.
This monologue, letter or screen-play is obviously written from the heart. The conversational style is relaxed but somewhat distracting. I found the repetition of certain words and phrases irritating and would urge you to edit this piece to make it flow more smoothly. I would also suggest removal of such devices as "rewind" and "fast forward" they are not helpful.
I got the impression that you drew on real emotions and circumstances for this piece and so hesitate to discuss the content too closely. Suffice it to say, the ending seemed to me to be an example of wishful thinking.
I hope these close analysis notes will help you to edit this piece to make it more readable. Avoiding coarse language and adhering to generally correct structure and grammar is necessary when asking readers to come on a journey with you. I hope you can see my point.
Close Analysis
"I am almost scared to talk around you equally as scared to talk to you. Scared of what I will say and scared of what I convey when I am not speaking." too many "scared"s.
Try: I am nervous to talk around you, equally as unwilling to talk to you; fearful of what I will say and conscious of what I might convey when I am not speaking." I have made a couple of punctuation alterations too. You may prefer the repetition of the word "scared" ; you may be using it as a sort of death knell but I am not sure that it works. You repeat the word "scared" throughout this piece; I recommend that you go through it and try to change each incidence of it.
"... that is suffocating the s*** out of me." the coarseness of this expression is jarring. The rough language used in other areas of the piece are also distracting. If you think they are truly necessary, maybe you could modify it a little to avoid alienating readers. I think this language should only be used in direct speech to show realism in character.
"So I clutch the blanket because presently it’s a small comfort to me." this word is not usually used in this context. I would replace it with "now" or "at the moment".
"...I gulp down air and release it slow and methodical. It may be that you are writing in conversational style but the grammar here is incorrect; "Slow" and "methodical" should be adverbs and need "ly" on the end of them.
"...to quite my lucrative job" typo alert!
"I am not scared to quite my lucrative job to pursue a career for which there are no guarantees and is based on something I happened to be born with because my parents were selective about each other long before I was a conscious thought and all my years in supposedly elite preparatory educational institutions really isn’t worth s***." this sentence is far too unwieldy and you have made some verb-agreement errors. This is not a sentence that one would expect from someone who has had an elite education. It needs rewriting and splitting into two or more cohesive sentences.
" You shot up and hit the alarm and ran into the bathroom. " you have changed tense here.
Please do not be angry with my comments, I am trying to help you make a better piece of writing. If you do not agree with me that's fine, it is your work. If you want to discuss this further I am more than happy to respond to e-mails.
This is funny and I hope it is true. It would be great to hear the McCrew belting these songs out.
I haven't given this piece a huge star-rating, not because it is poor (3.5 is above average) but because it is simple and not particularly imaginative; that is not a criticism in the way it would be about a story or a poem; it does not have to be complicated or startlingly full of immagery. I think it is fine for what it is a fun account of silly songs.
I would like to see a soulful spiritual being set to a McDonald's theme. This would be poignant as well as satirical.
This excellent poem really reminded me of being separated from my husband. I would send messages into the ether, he would say later that sometimes he would feel a warm glow and think it was one of my love waves reaching him. Aaah, how sweet, - but that is how we feel when we are so deeply and freshly in love.
I love the repetition of, "That is me so many miles away." it really captured the essence of this poem.
I felt that this piece was written staright from the heart. Well done. It is mostly very clear and frank.
"They make me feel very alone and misunderstood." this simple sentence is expressive and accuarate.
There are some little adjustmants that I would recommend; " ...does not blink an eyelid when there are bombs bursting into infernos?" where is the support for this? There has been much protest and disgust about bombing. Maybe you need a different comparison here.
"...And no, sorry mama, but I rather not give you a good daughter – in law." this needs a little correction, "I'd". Are you sure this sentence helps your argument. It makes you sound peevish, which at that time, I suppose you had every right to be, but maybe you need to point out how much your mother's ambitions were opposed to your own in a more reasoning way, such as, If only mama could bring herself to welcome a good son-in-law as happily as she would welcome a daughter-in-law.
This is a story that must be very close to some people's experience and Hurricane Frances is heading for Florida as I write. I know it is a terrible experience, I lived through some mighty typhoons in my time.
This story captures some of the horror, a pole of a street sign had been rammed into the back of his head and was sticking out of his right eye. but sometimes your choice of language is too tame, for example, The sounds were too great for her. maybe you could give more detail about the sounds; and She sat there only a moment, when she decided to try and clean things up. this woman has just lost her child and husband. Do you not think tidying up would be fairly low priority?
I think you could make this tale much more vivid and maybe conclude it in a way which registers the experience on the characters more strongly.
These are just my thoughts, I hope they are of some use to you.
I think this is very vividly written. It describes the horror of guilt very clearly.
There are some spelling errors but nothing too bad, "I can feel there looks of pity." needs to be their. "As it repeats its self I watch myself..." needs to be one word, itself.
I would alter the expression here, "...the flowery smelling air turns..." maybe, "... the flower-scented air..."
Welcome to writing.com and I hope this is of some use to you.
This is an interesting and startling story. I think the use of religion is insightful and meaningful.
I am a little concerned about the originality, maybe regular sci-fi readers will help out here, but I seem to remember a similar story about veils removing different sections of society and life. It was called the Veils of...something. It's probably nothing like but it is worth checking it out if al all possible from my sketchy reference.
I recognise good characterisation and careful story-telling in this work. The humour is light and lifts the story from allegory to fun.
The following are specific notes:
" trusty old maroon Oldsmobile" consider removing "old" to avoid the obvious repetition.
"While the television prognosticators ..." this just might be a matter of taste but do you really have to use this word, .prognosticators ? How about "pundits"?
"...my thoughts of Revelation frittered away." I think frittered is incorrectly used here. You could use, "fluttered". Fritter means to squander.
"The rest of the day is uneventful....." Why do you change to present tense here? It is generally wise, not to flit between tenses unless you are trying to get a particular effect, I cannot see such an effect here.
"The prognosticators are utterly discombobulated." now here, I appreciate the use of "prognosticators" because it goes with "discombobulated" to make a humourous sentence.
The only reason you may ot have had as many people read this as it deserves is because of its length. Some people just don't have the time. I would recommend that if you read nothing else all week, read this. It is excellent.
You are a genuinely gifted writer, Evolvist. The language of this stroy is absolutely priceless. I have given a few choice quotes below. The characterisation is second to none. The scene setting and development of the story is magnificent. You really must get this published.
Here are some close analysis points:
" the events that happened in the years following 1957:" this could be modified: "the events of the years following 1957."
"white-bread laborers that somehow trickled down from Birmingham’s upper crust." I loved this phrase the resonance of "white-bread" and "upper crust" is apt and humourous.
"the result was an almost razor-thin board of cotton that would sound like a sack of snakes if you peeled it apart." another corker of a line.
"Wally Miller had a special area of the diner partitioned off just for the black inhabitants of Owensboro." I think this sentence is redundant.
" I had a dream. But somebody out there had one greater." very well-balanced touch; a subtle but not cryptic reference to MLK.
"...eyes were so far rolled up in his head that you would’ve thought he’d left his pupils outside in the snow." great imagery.
A great dark story. The description of the starnge man was excellent.
I don't know if this will bother you but I knew what little Henry was assembling by this line: Little Henry deftly inserted a spring. Even though I was expecting the ending, I enjoyed the telling of this tale.
I don't really know how you can make it more of a shocker. Maybe there could be Lego pieces all over the floor. The strange man could make a nasty comment about all the kid's f**king toys scattered all over the place. This might be enough of a red herring to throw us off the scent a bit.
This is a superb story very well written. I could hear the Scots accent throughout it.
The incidents are graphically described and I was there in the trenches as an eyewitness to all that you show us. Excellent description, characterisation and plot.
My only complaint is that the final paragraphs take a little from the authenticity of the story. I wondered why this particular kitten would be called Karl. Had he named all kittens since 1918, Karl? It is a little corny and could do with losing, if you ask me. I would end the story in the trenches.
Here are some technical notes:
"...a Hun who played the clarinet, so mellow and pure, that the notes would dance on your heart as dust motes in a beam of light." I love the imagery here.
"...I am sure that many men remember that moment, whether they be alive or dead now to tell it." this is a bit awkward. I would replace the last clause with , "...if they are still alive."
"...previous Summer,..." seasons do not have capital initial letters.
"For the masks we wear are not what we are, but merely a reflection of what we used to be—or rather want to be." if you mean "want to be" lose "used to be".
"...unsullied glimpse of an gentler species..." typo alert!
That's not many errors in such a long story. There may be others lurking in the rich tapestry, I am not a copy editor, but those were all I could find.
Welcome to writing.com, your talent will be appreciated amongst these ranks. Please post your bio block soon. It is very interesting to put work in context.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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. I will ammend my ways. 
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