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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (5.0)
I adore this poem. It is so clever and the image of the flying/sleeping cat really helped. If ever you publish this poem, you will have to get permission to reproduce the photograph alongside it.

The rhymes, are cute and that fits the nature of the poem. The meter is strong. The punch-line is just right.

This poem brightened my day.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Battered Shark  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a great idea for a story. You have a good plot and strong characters, potentially.

You will probably hear this a lot, but I will have to add my voice to the cries; you must show and not tell.

At the moment, this story seems like it is a synopsis rather than a fully developed story. You tell us about the estate when you could describe the scene. You could describe the run-down stair-wells, the grafitti-marred fences, the derelict play parks...Try walking around a sink estate with a notebook and jot down what you see, feel and smell (take a large dog for protection *Smile*.)

You tell us about Louise's life and back-story. This could be shown by including a domestic scene, showing the weariness in her manner and speech etc..

You tell us about Big Dan. He is a potentially great character. You need to show us some of his slimy behaviour - actually take the reader to the chip-shop and show the first hint, Louise got that he was not a good man.

You tell us about her divorce and re-marriage. You could show this by describing another domestic scene. Show us the contrast between her new life and her old one.

I hope that you will re-work this story and try to make it live and breathe, because it has a good chance of being very good.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Old Friends  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this story/poem on "Invalid Item I am sorry it has taken me a little while to get round to reviewing it.

You say that this is a style in which you specialise. It may be, therefore, that I am missing something here, but I find it difficult to warm to. It seems to fall between being a story, and being a poem. It does not preserve the best of both.

As a poem

There is no meter and the rhymes are arbitary in the extreme.

You have used enjambement over stanza breaks, for no discernable effect, other than maintaining a four-line stanza pattern.

There is no imagery.

As a story

A story would require you to consider character development and setting far more deeply than you have done here. The tale is fairly rattled through. It is almost like a synopsis rather than a story. There is very little detail other than the bare bones of the story. Character development, description and development of philosophical message are missing.

I also found the plot of the story to be quite common-place. I am sure I have seen many western movies based on similar ideas.

It seems that 6 others have read this poem and given it a 5 star rating, so what do I know? I hope that my comments are of some use to you, but do not worry if you don't agree with me. It seems many others don't either *Smile*.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of A Fishy Tale  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item.

It is a great idea, but it needs developing. We would be more sympathetic to Helen, if we knew more about how irritating her mother-in-law was. This would also be a great opportunity for more comedy.

My m-in-l says alsorts of infuriating things, only when my husband is out of earshot, so I can't complain to him, he would'nt believe me *Bigsmile*. Mothers-in-law do things like wash their son's socks by hand, while you're staying with them, as a sort of ritual of motherly love. They tell you how to cook his favorite meal, even when, after 20 years of marriage, you happen to know your husband hated his mother's cooking. Mothers-in-law of a certain era, tend to be very politically incorrect, You know the sort of thing; On sexual harassment in the work place, she'll say, "In my day, you expected to get your bottom pinched when you visited the stationery cupboard, it was all harmless fun." this can cause terrible friction with their more enlightened daughters-in-law. The possibilities are endless.

The character development, in general, needs sharpening up. You tell us that Ange is a forminable northern battle-axe, maybe you could show more of this through her behaviour. It is always impressive when a character is summed up with clever attention to detail.

The son seems very one dimensional; and Helen seems very insecure in her marriage, why?. You need to give a little more here.

The way I would do it is to have a domestic scene at the beginning, showing how crafty the m-in-l is. Show Helen's incredible forebearance and John's complete insensitivity.

Then tell the story of the shopping trip in chronological order. I am not sure that the flash-back technique works well here. By the time the fish makes its mark, you could have the reader cheering along with Helen.

Conclude with the hospital scene, showing the son's concern, but you could make the twist, his concern for Helen, rather than for his mother; he's always wondered how his darling wife hasn't lashed out earlier....

You could avoid the WRVS explanation by referring to the tea room as, the cafe run by the blue-rinse volunteers. or something equally disrespectful *Bigsmile*.

Technical Suggestion

I,d better go for a cup of tea *Right* I'd better go ...

feeling like he was treading on eggshells. It might be better to avoid using cliche, especially as you may be able to think of a more humorous phrase here.

I knew it, I just knew this would finish us. You should put this in itallics and give it a tag like, she silently accepted her fate.

“And he ducked, yes. Ange just happened to be standing ... *Right* “And he ducked, yes. Your mother just happened to be standing ...

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for posting this story of "Invalid Item.

I think all of us can identify with this fantasy of teen self-obsession. The melodrama of the wicked step-father and the insensitive mother were so cleverly pertrayed here. It was particularly striking because the step-father had no remeeming features. He was just a wicked bully who drove the poor teenager to her suicide.

This powerful story makes us all weep for the poor mis-understood youth of today. I bet they were all sorry, hey?

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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item.

This is a long piece to review, but thankfully you have made very few errors, that I spotted.

This is well written and very witty in parts. This sentence is a very subtle and clever harbinger of later revelations. But they keep staring at me the way people can’t help staring at a car wreck or a bad toupee

I loved this simile, ... points a doughy finger as pale as a piano key in my direction. It is a perfect picture of a square, fat finger with straight-cut nail, I thought it was genius.

The conversation between the doctor and jack in Chapter 2 is very welll written.

I think I have got the idea of the story, I will not spoil it for other readers but I'm not sure if I have it right. I'll send you a private e-mail to check whether I have the right interpretation.

The only problem with this story is that it failed to keep my attention, fully. It seems to drag rather. I think some sections could be missed out completely and not effect the story. I think chapter 7 could be shortened and become the end of chapter 6 and chapter 8 could be cut completely. There seems to be little progress in this chapter, it is just more atmosphere building.


Suggestions
...sprawled out over white, pleather couches... is pleather a word, or is this a typo?

For awhile, I have to concentrate on exorcising the neon phantoms... *Right* For a while, I have...

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This vampire story, with a difference was posted on "Invalid Item.

Set in foggy London, England, this tale has an authentic ring to it. Only the pea-soupers of London, could shroud such a murky tale. The American family living there, made a marvellous contrast, like apple-pie to bitter chocolate. I assume the family were American, because the zombie calls Maria (an unusual name in London), "Mommy".

I think it is a marvellously courageous thing to do, to introduce characters which play no further part in the story. It is rarely done in short stories, and I think you show us that it should be done more regularly. It adds to the quirkiness of the tale.

I thought that it was very sweet that you had the vampire return to Transylvania. They are applying to join the European Community at the moment. The King of Transylvania has been trying to impress the French and Spanish governments by saying that his troops will take on all war-zone, peace-keeping duties. Romania, on the other hand wants partition.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for posting this item on "Invalid Item.

The opening scene is good. You describe the world we need to become familiar with and introduce the playful attraction between your hero and the in-keeper's daughter. This is done with a light touch, and enough introspection from the protagonist, to clarify and intrigue, at the same time.

Kalixeny. I love the name, it is evocative of classical Greek goddesses.


Suggestions

You have repeated the word, "plain" here, too closely; She pushed a good deal of plain black hair out of her face, straightened her plain blue dress ...I suggest you use one of a long list of synonyms; simple, straight, loose-hanging, untailored, modest... You may feel that the repetition of "plain" works as emphasis, but you will probably agree that a more subtle effect can be achieved with synonyms.

This is a grammar error, ...but she fit seamlessly into... *Right* ...fitted...

This is an editing error, ...a few concentrated spots throughout land that. I suspect you meant to cut "that".

Beware unnecessary words, ...or just plain forgotten.

This is just a subjective suggestion, I think the name of the settlement would be better as Stonegrove rather than Stone Glade. A collection of trees is better referred to as a grove and making it one word seems to make it more established. There are connotations of nasty, air-freshening devices attached to the word, glade *Smile*.

I think this sentence is unnecessary, And the Firesoul dwelt in Stone Glade. We've already got the point.

Sometimes you are too wordy. This paragraph could be tighter, Three days had passed and he had found no Firesoul. His books had been vague. Look for someone with vibrant character. Look for someone who touches the lives of others, deeply. It was all he could translate. Siolden was not entirely sure how he was to identify so rare a creature as this “Firesoul”, with such unsatisfactory instructions. The ancient dusty tome had seemed to suggest that he would know when he found him. *Right* Siolden was not sure how he was to identify so rare a creature as a "Firesoul". From his ancient tomes, he had only been able to decipher two vague references; A Firsoul is someone with vibrant character, who touches the lives of others. and A worthy seeker will know when he finds what he seeks.

I had difficulty imagining such a laugh as this, a rich, delicate, wholesome laugh. the adjectives seem to contradict each other. I would select one good adjective and stick to it. Is it delecate, rich, or wholesome?

This sentence is unnecessarily lengthy; She wore the same plain blue dress, and the same plain black hair hung down and covered the side of her face so that he could see nothing but the tip of her nose. How about, He could see nothing of her profile but the tip of her nose, peeping out from the curtain of hair.?

This sentence is not quite right, she straightened up and pushed the hair from her face with one hand, and handing him some coins with the other. *Right* she straightened up, pushed the hair from her face with one hand, and offered him some coins with the other.

All right fine.”
Unless this is an Americanism that I have not been convinced of, yet, I think "alright" is one word.

I realised that Kalixeny is the "Firesoul" at this point of the story. Do you want the reader to get it so early? I think you could put us off the scent by introducing a flamboyant, "princess" type, earlier. She can turn out to be a shallow brat, but it would take time for the reader to discover that.

Appalled at the thought of returning to the comforts of his empty room and busy thoughts, he offered to help. Why would he be appalled? I suggest something like, Unable to think of a reason for returning to his noise-infested room, he offered to help.

This is a grammar error, He was declined... he was not declined, his offer of help was.

I would go for the singular here, ... trailing bright red peels.

He was surprised she remembered his words at all. this sentence could be omitted. It is out of character; she is plain, he is bold and imposing, of course she would remember his every word. It smacks of false modesty on his part.

This is a grammar error, ...could perform it's duties... There should be no apostrophe in its, when the possessive form of it.

This lovely scene could be tighter, They sat together in perfect friendliness, shoulder to shoulder, against the warm stones of the wall next to the hearth. *Right* Warmed by the stones of the wall, they sat by the hearth, in peaceful friendship.

This paragraph could also be tidied up, It was then that he noticed ...with more love to give than a lifetime could hold. The repetition of "it was then that he noticed" and the word, "simply" is heavy-handed. You could do this more deftly.

The story is lengthy, but there is nothing wrong with length, if the reader is kept entertained. I think you need to add more twists to the plot, it is a little too predictable as it is. Apart from that, I think you have a good story here and I wish you luck with it.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Gone Away  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this story on . You show great talent for one so young, for any age actually.

This gentle but well-developed presentation of a man enjoying a day of fishing, is a lovely read.

suggestions
”Oh, it’s all right; it’s a nice break from ... this is a rare error in your work, it should be the single word, alright

“Thank you. there you go again, not closing those inverted commas *Smile*.

Mitch quickly jumped back, onto the very top ... just a suggestion, but I think you should replace "Mitch" with "He" here.

...existing somewhere between here and eternity. I found this phrase disappointing. It is cliched.

I see you have been awarded an awardicon for this piece, well deserved in my opinion.

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Oasis  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you so much for posting this story on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** .

This is my favourite sentence of the piece, Framed with the low hanging tree branches and fragrant floral window box, a horse drawn carriage clippity clopped onto the scene.

I enjoyed your writing style and found your descriptions so evocative.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Destination Home  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this fabulous story on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** What a treat it was for me to read about this trip to your homeland. You describe the scenery so well.

And one time I even disturbed a mountain lion
sunning herself and a cub on the heated blacktop edge of the road.
I am so envious. While walking in Muir Woods, North of Sanfrancisco, My friend , Dorrie and I hoped to see a cougar, but were sadly disappointed. I began to think they were a legend *Bigsmile*.

I thought it was beutifully significant that your bed-roll represented so many aspects and developments in your own life. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Suggestions
The most magnificent still lie ahead. *Right* ...lay ahead.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of More of the Same.  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item.

It is a poem that reminds mw of rap verse. The rhymes are insistant and hard. I fear the sense of the poem is held ransom by them.

The message of the poem is well concieved and worthy. Unfortunately there is nothing new here. The call for world peace and a caring attitude, is well charted. You even seem to acknowledge this in your final lines, but what am i talking about
its just more of the same.


There are a few spelling mistakes, beleive *Right* believe; toghethor *Right* together; because your still innocent at heart*Right* you're;...that she is about to bare? *Right* bear
taking the cash rought, I don't know what you mean here. What does "rought" mean? Do you mean wrought?

The personal pronoun "I" should always be capital.

The free rhythm and rhyming scheme is a popular mode but lacks discipline. You may find writing rhyming verse works better if you keep to a strict rhythm. poetic discipline can produce some great work because it concentrates the poet's mind.

I can sense the passion in this poem and I certainly do not want to quash that. This poem would work well as a piece of street rap, but as poetry it is too simple in structure and meaning. I think you could improve it by considering structure. Make it work for you. You could tighten it up by choosing a meter and sticking to it. You could use more imagery and you could try and find a new angle on the theme. Originality is difficult to come by but well worth the search.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I picked up the link for this story on the Request Review Page. You humble plea for help with the description drew me in. I think the plea was somewhat disingenuous. Your description is very good. This part grabbed me, instantly, They were but insignificant yellow specks against the great blackness of space; lost souls trapped in some deep, dark infinity. He always liked to watch the fighters being deployed, they were beautiful to him. Although they were weapons and were responsible for the deaths of millions, they were beautiful from afar. He knew each one was over a hundred feet tall and over thirty tons in weight, but he felt as if he could hold them all within the palm of his hand.

This is a long piece to review in great depth, but I will do my best.

Suggestions

In the supervisor’s chair, which was levitated to oversee the workers, there sat the supervisor. this could be smoothed out to something like, The supervisor was sitting in his chair, which was elevated so that he could oversee the workers.

He quickly scurried past people ... you don't need "quickly" here. "Scurried" says it all.

This needs tidying up a bit: He continued down the hallway, the files still in hand, causing similar scenes to occur. In his haste, he ignored the distant cries of a person after their now stolen files. try, As he continued down the hallway, stray files now in his hand, he collided with more burdened personnel. His haste was such that he ignored the indignant cries of those who's files he had mistakenly gathered up with his own. I know it is more wordy, but it does explain the situation a little more clearly.

The glass was part of a large water filled container and behind it was a young woman. I don't normally correct other people's punctuation because I'm no expert myself. There are also differences between American and British conventions. My suggestion here, is that you need commas, The glass was part of a large, water- filled container and behind it,was a young woman. Some might say that you need a comma after "container" because "and" is a conjunction but in British convention this is not necessary.

This was a direct contrast to the faces of the passer byers. Eeuch! "Passer byers"? No, you can't leave that like that *Smile*. Try, This was a direct contrast to the faces of the those who passed him by.

a slightly less majestic title. maybe "evocative" would be better than "majestic".

...unnaturally clean city that new no up or down... Spelling error: knew

future generations could awe in its beauty, awe is a noun and cannot be used as a verb in this way.

As soon as Mr. Finch walked inside, he was in awe at the lab. another awe related quibble; this is actually fine, but dont you think something like, ...he was awe-struck by the (size/complexity) of the lab. sounds better?

“Mostly it’s weapon building, but occasionally, I get to build- inverted commas missed at the end of this speech. Same problem here, “she’s the AR1, but-. and here, “Then you don’t get any information either.Here's another little speech mark problem, “I can’t he said,” but his words were drown out by the music. You need to check thoroughly for these type of errors. I cannot guarantee to spot them all.


Vic quickly left the lab and turned down the hall toward the transporter while Lucy, followed close behind. this could be neater: Vic marched from the lab. He turned down the hall, toward the transporter with Lucy, following close behind.

through the drunkard through the air *Right* threw the drunkard...

He quickly pushed his way through the crowd, then through the mass of moving people he saw Lucy’s fist fly back Too many throughs, but spelt correctly this time *Smile*.

“I hate cautiousness.... *Right* caution.

grinning with a very aged smile. I think you can dispense with "very" here.

I don't think the descriptions of the generals is necessary. You could give brief descriptions as you develop the scene but setting it all out in separate paragraphs is dull and not in keeping with your otherwise sophisticated style. Their names are silly too. How about, Generals Hudson, Young and Brierley, for arguments sake. That sounds more random.

It was said that he never hesitated, flinched, or showed any emotional restraint when Do you mean this? I suspect, though I may be wrong, that you mean he showed no emotions. Therefore he had ultimate emotional restraint.

somewhat of a discontented expression on her face. *Right* a somewhat discontented expression on her face.

expecting the supervisor to lower own upon him *Right* expecting the supervisor to lower down upon him

She lied on the floor, crying, her hand still outstretched toward the transporter. *Right* She lay on the floor, crying, ....

confused at her surroundings as she saw it were no longer in space. *Right* was

the nun runs away and finds a marriage and the scientist dies... *Right* oasis


I think this is a great story that kept me interested throughout. I have never reviewed such a long piece for writing.com and it is a credit to your writing that I kept with it.

As is so often the case, the ending disappointed me. Stories have to belong to the writer, but I wanted so many other endings to the one we got. I don't agree with the philosophy of it. I agree that for bad men to succeed it only takes good men to do nothing; but I have difficulty with the concepts of good and evil as a simple metaphor. Self preservation is the over-riding force within all living creatures and your creatures, advanced as they are, are denied this.

I cannot take away from the expert story-telling here though, and wish you luck in seeking a publisher.


Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Pets At Work  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
You need another choice. I'd take my pet to work but would expect a rise in pay. They would have the benefit of both of us, after all.

I used to take my dog (sadly long dead, now)to work. I was a high school (private) teacher and the dog sat under my desk throughout class time and ran around the adjoining fields during breaktime. It was a perfect arrangement. The children were not allowed to touch him and they respected him completely.

The school did not receive any complaints, so it was alright by them. I did not have a cut in pay.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a great contest.

I think villanelles are one of the most difficult poetic forms, they are so structured. I have a folder of them in my portfolio:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#933242 by Not Available.
for anyone wants to see some more examples, by greater poets than myself.

I have entered one of my own in your contest, but will need some time to write one using the prompt. I may even fail to manage it. The villanelle form is so tight anyway, that having the refrain given as a prompt may make it just too tight for me. I hope my effort will do for the for the original round of the contest.

Suggestions

I thought I better point out that you have spelt "forum" without the "u", in the title of this item.

You might consider changing the introduction type colour to something darker, or even plain, old black. Colours can be a little difficult to read on screen.

Good luck, it is good to see interesting contests like this, promoting disciplined poetry.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of I Don't Know Why  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item.

This poem is about an extremely emotive subject. I think it is very brave of you to attempt to capture the moment. Were you there? I watched the live footage on T.V. and was as horrified, as I am sure all who saw it, was; but I cannot imagine how it must have been for those who were actually in New York that day, much less imagine what it must have been like to have been near by.

Your poem will join all the other plaintive cries from the heart, that have paid tribute to those who lost their lives and their loved ones. For that, this poem should be praised.

You express the confusion and futility of trying to make sense of the events. There is a distance implied. You do not describe the blaze and the explosions, in fact these lines, I don’t know why.
The towers just fell;
They are no longer in the sky.
seem incredibly cold. I know that is far from your intention, but that is the danger, when writing about something so shattering, from a distance.

I have said this before; but I think these very dramatic, horrifying and basically, unimaginably horrendous experiences are best described by those who were there. Those that want to honour the magnitude of the grief should maybe, concentrate on examining how the event effected themself. You may think this is a draconian view, but I hold it without malice.

When writing about the depths of human despair, I think no sugar-coating should be applied. I often quote Wilfred Owen's "Dule et decorum est" as an example of profound writing about such serious events. Anything less than explicit seems, somehow minimising.

These are just my thoughts, you are welcome to disagree with me. I suppose it is a very personal matter.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi DreamAngel7159

Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item. Were my sugary reviews from "Invalid Item getting on your nerves?*Bigsmile*.

Your muse is a very lucky woman. To have someone love her as much as you clearly do, must be wonderful. There is no ambiguity in this poem. It celebrates the life-long commitment that you have made to each other.

You have emphasised the importance of friendship in your relationship by beginning each stanza with the words, "Dear Friend". The personal significance of this poem is unmistakable, but as poetry, there is more you could do.

You have chosen to write this in free-verse format but you have borrowed some of the structure from other verse forms. For instance, you have set it out in three-line stanzas, and you have used a refrain. There is no set rhythm to the lines and there is no rhyming scheme. This makes the poem seem a little arbitrary. Why the three line stanzas? Each stanza could have been as long as you needed; like paragraphs in prose, you did not need the restriction.

The refrain, while clearly important, seems turgid. Do you really address your girlfriend as "Dear friend"? What form of address would you actually use, (keep it clean! *Smile*)? Is there a more arresting term you could use here?

The poem seems to be about telling the story of your relationship. It is important in poetry, as it is in fiction, to show rather than tell. I have a bit of a pet hate for the technique of addressing something to a particular person and then spending the time telling them what they must already know. After all, your girlfriend knows how you met, dated and married etc..

It would be better to address the poem to her and then say what you would, naturally want to say to her.

There is also the consideration of language to contend with. Words are not just code for meaning, they are pigments of our art. Well-chosen words sound beautiful. You need to consider the stresses, vowel sounds and onamatopoeic value of them. A good way to achieve this is to make lists of random words that enter your head while you are meditating on your subject. You will find that some of them will have more to offer than just their meaning and you can select the best ones to form phrases that really shine.

These are some reasons why the use of over-used expressions is not good. If a phrase is used everyday, it loses its power. As a poet, your job is to find new ways of expressing yourself. For instance, when my husband tells me, yet again, that dinner was very tasty, I wish he had not bothered to say anything at all. When he says, "That was delicious, you must remember to add that to my favourites list!" I smile, and thank him.

Finally; you should consider using more imagery. This means finding ways of showing your reader what you mean. Metaphor and vivid description helps someone who does not know your world, step into it with you. They may never have been in love; if you can make the expression of your love make sense to them, you have achieved something. Just like huge areas are often given in terms of numbers of football pitches, or by comparison to the size of the State of Colorado, you need to think of ways to make your huge feelings live in the imagination of your readers.

Here endeth the sermon.

Please forgive me for going on, but I hope you can glean something useful from my ramblings. If you would like me to re-read and re-rate this poem, after you have edited it, please let me know.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Larry's Body Shop  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is an authentically written piece. The speech sounds good to me, but it is not a vernacular I am particularly expert on.

As part of a bigger story, I think this would be excellent. On its own, it does not really hold itself up. There needs to be some conclusion. I suppose I am saying that it needs to be extended and more of a plot.

Suggestions

I knew he liked everybody, I knew he was your basic...and I knew all he wanted... you have repeated "I knew" too closely here. You may have been trying to achieve an effect with the rhythm of the words, but I think it sounds inelegant.

occasional-when-he-shows-up welder I recommend, occasional, when-he-shows-up welder

3 ½ liters I know you Americans don't like "re" when an "er" will do, but surely, litre is a European word and should be spelt that way. I accept that I may be wrong on this one, and liter may be perfectly acceptable, it just looks hideously wrong to me *Smile*. Liter looks like it should be pronounced with a long "i", you know, like something you light your cigarette with.

Storm twirled metal balls piercing the middle of his tongue with its tip as he talked. This sentence is confused. I recommend something like, As he talked, Storm used the tip of his tongue to twirl the metal balls on the posts that pierced it. That's not perfect, but it is correct. I am sure you could make it better. By the way, it seems an impossible feat, talk and twirl at the same times, if you see what I mean *Smile*.

Back at the Taurus, pink splotches of body putty glistened, mostly from light coming in the open garage door. Suggested smoothing to, Back at the Taurus, pink splotches of body putty glistened in the light, that shone through the garage door.

...near one of the office’s two heaters... I think office's is a rough-sounding word, you can omit it and the sentence still makes perfect sense.

I hope there is something of use in this.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is the second poem you have posted on ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** . I have noticed that you have posted quite a few more, please bear with me while I satisfy demand. I will get round to them all eventually.

To paraphrase the well chosen words of another reviewer, "The premise is well executed."

The subject of this poem is, I suspect, the same person who is addressed in "You Are Perfect". I am not sure if it is a lover or a child, but what does it matter? It is the brilliance of this person, in your eyes which is expressed.

I see that you have a fondness for refrains, in this one, "What was God thinking...?" is almost rebellious in its impertinence. I am sure this playful device will charm your audience.

I was delighted to see that wonderful phrase, " ...your smile brightens up the room." having another outing in this poem. It is good to be loyal to appropriate expressions. It completely sums-up what you mean.

The structure here is syncapated. I noticed that you avoided prime numbers when considering your syllable counts. Except for line, 10 of course.

Well done. Keep writing.

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Review of You are Perfect  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, this is aptly placed on "Invalid Item. You have met the perfect person, a unique experience.

I think I am in Shakespearean mood today, because this is the second time I have been reminded of him. In Sonnet XVIII (18), he also meets perfection; however, by Sonnet CXXX (130), he found a different way to love. Look them up, if you do not know them already, they make for interesting comparison.

The structure of this poem is quite free; one can see that immediately, by the shape of it on the page. You have not allowed cumbersome rhythm to restrain your eulogy.

The repetition of "You are perfect" is delightful. It reminds me of yet another great artist, Natasha Beddingfield. Her song, "These Words Are My Own" explores the advantage of keeping it to-the-point. She repeats "I love you, I love you, I love you." to almost, as mesmerizing effect as you have achieved here.

I particularly appreciate your adherance to well-established images, "The tears that form from your eyes are the tears that make a river." calls to mind that wonderful song, "Cry Me a River." by Julie London, Justin Timberlake, Aerosmith et al. And which of us does not know what you mean by, "...the smile that brightens up the room."?. This homage to folk consciousness is delicious.

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271
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this poem on "Invalid Item.

I like the repetition in this work. The strict structure gives the rhythm a quality reminiscent of a mantra. I found it lulling and poignant.

You have selected words carefully. Meaning and sound work together.

I would like to hehar this piece set to music.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog
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Review of The Garage  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a charming story about childhood imagination. I enjoyed it even if the suspension of disbelief required, was a little demanding.

Maybe you need an explanation of how Sam heard the voice.

You need just a little more attention to detail when it comes to some of your sentence structure. There are some speeches that do not have capital letters or stops. I have listed some of the other inaccuracies that you could tidy up. You might also try using a spellchecker, to make sure that all the spelling is good.

Suggestions

"It was a walk in door with a thick covering of dust and grime covering the lone window." I think you need to remove one of the "covering"s in this sentence.

"Everyone washed their hands, prayers were said and everyone began to dig in to the meal." here is another example of close repetition of words. You need to avoid this as much as possible.

"...reached out for the dirty gold knob. " Maybe "...reached out for the tarnished brass knob." would be less startling here. Would an old garage door really have a gold handle?

" A few of the kids were still arriving, all eight of them. The dinner ritual began." I respectfully suggest you rewrite this bit, *Right* A few of the kids were still arriving. When all eight of them were present, the dinner ritual began."

" ...his other two older brothers,..."you do not need the word "other" here.

" insitently" *Right* "insistently"

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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273
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Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem isinteresting and original. I like the artistic use of language.

You have created mood by using the sound of the words. This line works particularly well, " Crusted yellow yolk, sticky jam stain," even the downstrokes of the letters, seem to mirror the yuckiness*Smile*, and the alliteration is effective.

The examination of ageing and contentment through the mundane, stereo-typical aspects of a woman's life is a great device.

My suggestion would be to clarify. I do respect brevity, but surely you want your readers to really feel this with you. I think the message will be lost to many, because you have been so economical with the words.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*flower*
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274
274
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I really like the idea behind this monologue. It is a good theme and the refrain of, "it would have been nice" is a strong one.

I think you can improve the presentation of this idea by concentrating on the patterns of speech, likely to be used by this character. You need to use more contractions, "would've" for instance. You can enliven the language with a bit of colourful colloquialism. Decide on a regional accent and try to include some of that sound. Obviously one can go too far with this, and make your monologue impenetrable; but think Irvine Welsh.

You need to be a bit niftier when it comes to showing the story. There is a sense here, that he is only saying things to tell the story, for our benefit. The secret of a good monologue is to have it sound like the character would naturally be mulling these ideas over in his mind. one device is to have some external influences stimulate his train of thought. He can see something happening, which he refers to, and then that leads his reverie off into the direction you want it to take. This will mean that strapped to a hospital bed may not be the best place for your character.

"Not that I see much of them though, much like when they were young really." I think "now" instead of "though" would make more sense here. It would lead on from the previous sentence better.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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Review of Forbidden Fruit  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The prologue:

This is a very dramatic start to your novel. I found it a little too dramatic. I cannot believe that the PM would talk directly to a policeman in this way. Orders would follow the normal chain of command, via Special Branch etc.. The minister ultimately responsible in these matters is the Home Secretary and he would not talk directly to a standard Police Inspector.

This sentence could be slightly tweaked, "The Deputy Prime Minister was normally a quite jovial character..." *Right* "The Deputy Prime Minister was normally quite a jovial character..."

One

This sentence seems awkward, "He was aware of the puerility of his undertaking of this pastime but did not really care because it helped him to cope. " I suggest something like, "He knew this pastime was puerile, but he did not care, because it helped him to cope." (the comma after "care" could be omitted).

The paragraph, " He sometimes thought that Polly was the only thing that kept him going, and it was true. ... God, he needed a change." attempts to tell the story and put this character in context. This would be better shown as part of the general story. Maybe we could actually see him in his work place.

The word, "gotten" in this sentence, "She was right of course but he just hadn't gotten around to it yet." seems out of place. It is a very American word and, if I'm not mistaken, this is an Englishman. You would find, "got" would be more authentic.

You are rattling through the back story in this chapter. It would be much more gripping to show it rather than fill-in so much at once.

Two

I think this chapter could be used to detail the events that led to the next chapter.

Three

This is a very big leap. If you did not want to show Dan's decline, maybe you should have started his story here.

Typo alert:"... are wearing these suites because, ... *Right* suits .

You need to space out the paragraphs. I found it quite intense, reading such dense text from a screen.

I have not got time right now, to read the whole of your novel, but I will read more, if you want me to. I suspect I know where the illness is leading, but it is not fair to call it predictable, because I may, easily, be wrong. I will look forward to finding out if I am right or not.*Smile*

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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