midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended.
First Impression: The title is catchy. It leaves a reader questioning what the writer could be suggesting is eternal.
The poem flows well for the most part. The rhyming follows with each line. I'm not one who can write rhyming poetry but I admire those who can and can keep the rhyming without having to use false words or words that don't quite fit, just because they rhyme. (Hope that makes sense.)
I like the emotion in this piece. You leave no question as to how you are feeling at the time of writing this and there is no confussion as to what the feelings are.
Suggestions: Waiting to grab you once you sank- In all the other lines you were able to not repeat any words to express yourself or your emotions, thoughts. I think here you could possibly find another word to replace waiting.
Other than that, I have no more suggestions.
Overall Impression: I enjoyed this short poem. And although it was short it did not lack emotion which is very important in poetry. As long as you can relay your message without confussing a reader, it doesn't matter how long or short a poem or story for that matter is. I hope this review has helped and I thank you for sharing this poem with us. As always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only. Please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything else knowing I will not be offended.
First Impression: Congrats on the win! After reading this piece I would have to agree it was worth a win. I like the title, short and to the point without giving away the meaning to the poem. I HAD to read it to know what passions sake was.
Your poem flows gently and stays in rhythme with each stanza.
This is a poem many can relate to. Your emotions are raw and realistic and any one can understand the feelings in this piece.
Suggestions: None. I don't think I can offer anything to make this piece better as I feel it is already good as is.
Overall Impression: I enjoyed the poem and felt emotion throughout this piece. Emotion is the most important thing to a poem. If a reader can not understand the emotion in it, then it is not worth remembering in my opinion. I'll remember this one for sure. Thank you for sharing this piece and I encourage you to please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: I found this story in the comedy newsletter and the title alone sounded tempting. Both your title and description fit your story well without giving away too much detail.
You caught my attention from the very beginning and kept it through the whole story with details and descriptions to keep a reader interested. Personnaly I think I never would have gotten such an idea as to use a hot tub, so kuddos to you on that, btw. Whatever works and won't kill us right?
I laughed, I laughed some more, especially when you decided to join the turkey in the tub, wow I'd never have the guts. *shy* You had some very funny parts in this story that made it a very enjoyable read.
Suggestions: NONE
Overall Impression: What a smart person you are to even think about using a hot tub to begin with and even smarter for not expossing your secret recipe! Not sure most people would find it as funny as some do, especially if they are the ones who ate the turkey. All around though this story was enjoyable and well written. I thank you for sharing your secret with us and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: I found this piece in the short story newsletter and the title and description caught my eye. who doesn't want to know the meaning of life? Or at least what someone elses opinion of it is? I think they both fit your story well.
I work in a nursing home (granted only in the kitchen), but I am priviledged to still interact with the people who reside there on a daily basis, so even though no one that lives there is related to me personally, I feel a connection to a few of the faces I see on a daily basis. It pains me to walk up to one and though the day before we had had a marvilous conversation, they today, do not remember a word of it. then the next day, there is a shine in their eyes as I approach and the look of recognition. It's amazing to me as well as so very sadening.
But anyway, my point here is, you did a wonderful job with describing how it is in everyday life for people who are loosing their memory. You pin pointed a lot of the emotions felt by both the family and the elder who suffers memory loss, making the reader see and understand what life is and was like, the big difference there is between the past and present for each of them.
You caught my attention in the very first line and you were able to keep it in every sentence therafter. You described each character well, bringing their role and purpose into the story slowly, yet not too slow to where we actually see only one main character.
Suggestions: NONE
I found no spelling or grammer errors and I found no where that could be improved upon.
Overall Impression: This was a heart breaking story, filled with love, hope, anger, frustration and devotion between a mother who often forgets who and where and when the time period is and a child who wishes only to have that person back, even just for a moment. I loved this story and know for sure it is one that will stick with me long after tonight, especially when I go to work and look into the distant eyes of the people I have come to know and care for on a daily basis. Thank you so very much for sharing this story and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title and description is what drew me into reading this piece. As well I found it in the comedy newsletter, kuddos on that btw. I enjoy reading comedies, can never get enough laughter in my life. I think the description gives a good hint as to what lies ahead in your story.
Men NEVER want to stop and ask directions, I really just don't get it, but well what can you do, except ask, right? I like the fact that you used a lot of emphasise in this piece, especially when you capitolized Not and such. When i read that as it is I know to put more into that one word making it more powerful.
Suggestions: “Do To!” He said To should be too. So we’re not doing to bad. Again to should be too.
I really hated rating this piece a 3.5, I honestly know that a 3.5 stings, but I feel that this piece could be so much better. Here are a few reasons: I really found a lot of repetativeness in this story. While I understand that it was to make a point, I really think you could have done so without repeating the same thing over and over again. Ex.“Don’t care. Don’t care at all. You have done this in a few paragraphes where the first sentence is short then the second one gets a little longer, but still only saying exactly what the first sentence did.
I honestly had to wonder to myself how old the female character in this story is. I can see a young child saying a lot of these things, but obviously it wasn't meant to be a young girl. I hope I'm not sounding rude here, I'm only trying to explain how I took this story in. Like the line Oh my- Oh me, Oh my. That line threw me off a bit. It's really not something I'd ever have expected in a story like this. Maybe just leaving it at Oh my would read a bit better.
Overall Impression: The over all attempt in this piece is a good story. With a little bit of editing and maybe changing some wording, I think this could be a rather funny story.
I hope I have not offended you in any way, it was not my intention to. Good luck to you in the contest and if you decide to edit this piece in the future I would be more than willing to come back and read it again. Thank you for sharing and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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What a wonderful poem about parenting. Especially when it comes to an adopted child. It says alot about how you and your family were willing to take on everything a child not your own would bring. I think this says exactly what unconditional love is and you can have that with any child. It's the strongest love there is.
Your poem is emotional in so many ways, showing that even the hardships were worth it all. It's so common for adopted children to have seperation anxiety and many other emotional and social disorders and not every child can get over them as quick as most parents would like, but you state that you are willing to take however long it takes and still love him through everything. Wonderful just wonderful. He's a lucky child to have had such caring people take him in as one of their own. Kuddos to you and your family and I really hope in time things improve and he learns to have you as his true family. God bless you and yours! and thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.
Midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression:First off A big welcome to WDC is in order! So WELCOME! I saw your item here on the newbie list and it caught my attention. Mainly because of the capitolization, then the actual title and description. Many people are suffering from the drastic effects of this disease and so there are so many who can relate to this story of yours.
I like how you started this story off in the early days of a childhood, explaining who all the characters are and then slowely drifting into the present day. It's a very well organized story which makes it easy to follow and comprehend.
Such a sad story of a woman who used to be the foundation of a family who now has to depend on those that once depended on her. It is sad that once a person gets sick the roles reverse as they did in your story.
I think you did a good job with the descriptions in this piece. Emotions were vivid and it was easy to feel compassion for the main character as well as those who are having to watch this woman slowly fade.
Suggestions: I found no spelling errors here. One day you’re playing in the neighborhood park with your big brother and your younger twin brothers. This is an incomplete sentence and no where in the rest of this paragraph did you finish it. If you want to leave the paragraph as is, I would suggest rearranging the sentence so it doesn't lead one to believe there is another day you need to explain, example of what I mean : One day you are in good health, the next you are on your death bed. See what I'm trying to point out? You refer to the dog as the most important character in the family, but the dog is only mentioned twice at most. If he's such an important part, where is he all this time things are happening with the mother?
Overall Impression: This is a story many can relate to and I know that times will get harder for every member of the family, but remembering who the mother was when she was the strength will help the family to hold it together for their sakes and hers. I think you did a really good job with expressing the emotions in this piece. It was a heart wrenching story to read. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On! And welcome to WDC!!!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title and description is what drew me into wanting to read this piece. I especially like the title and how it is used in your story. I think they both fit your story well. giving just a hint as to what lies ahead in your story.
You did a wonderful job in bringing in the characters in this story, giving vivid descriptions of them, their emotions and surroundings. I was able to picture several scenes in my mind as I read.
Some of this story is realistic, while other parts are fantasy, but mostly what every little girl wishes for in their future, which helps the reader to understand the story and its meaning.
How sad that the two sisters were split up and the reasoning is sadly another reality. Couples prefer young children over the older and I think it's because younger children still need guidance while the older children have pretty much become independent already. I enjoyed the fact that the two were reunitited though, which isn't always the case.
This poor child was born to a mother who thought her as a freak of sorts and only kept her because she was given money by the government, how sad that part truely is, because again, it's sort of realistic.
Suggestions: Tiny. she would sit on her bed rocking back and forth with a baby blanket singing, "Hush little baby, don't you cry." Here I'm not sure if you meant to use a comma after tiny or you forgot to capitolize She.
"A Tree grows in Brooklyn". Here you just need to capitolize Grows. I do think this story could have used a bit more focus on the child's albino disability (not sure disability is a good word). You have explained what it means to be albino and how it affected her while she was with her mother, but once she was adopted only one thing was said. Nothing about how others dealt with it through her life or things she had to endure because of it, say school maybe, did she fit in, was she out-casted? those sort of things are important to note so that a reader can feel compassion for the person.
Overall Impression: I like this story and its meaning, especially that of never judge a book by its cover. I've always liked stories that teach this lesson because there never seems to be an end to it. You delivered your meaning in this piece vividly and brilliantly and with just a tad more to it, i think this will be one of the most heart touching I've read so far. Thank you for sharing this piece with us and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title and description is what drew me into first wanting to read this story. I love the title and think both title and description fit your story well.
What a heart breaking yet inspirational read. I think you did a good job at describing the setting, introducing the characters slowly into the story, and developing the plot within a good amount of time.
There are so many emotions in this story, some happy while there is a lot of sadness on many different levels, yet in the end, you had it as an inspiration. Very well done.
Sadly, teenage pregnancy and the complications will forever be something so many can relate to and it seems to be getting worse now instead of better. I do like the fact that although most of these teenage mothers had given up on college, even high school for some that in this piece the teen stayed in school and became everything and more she ever wanted to be. It gives a sense of hope for others.
Suggestions: glass carriage witha virginal organza gown and all the trimmings of an expensive "over the top" wedding.' Here you need a space between with and a. At least. that is the feeling I get from him' Here I think you meant to use a comma instead of a period after at least. And then I'm not sure what the ' is for at the end. The best thing is mine is one of six rooms with its own toilet and sink This line confusses me with its wording. You may want to go back over it and rephrase it a bit better. He really feels that it is all cells and can't suvive outside the uterus Here you misspelled survive. My parents feel the girls I am in school with come from
lower to middle class means, - you must of accidentally pushed the enter button after 'from' in this line.
Overall Impression: In all this is a wonderful story with a message of hope and love in the end. Although this woman had seen so much trauma in her short lifetime she still held onto her dreams and followed her heart in reaching her goals for her and her family. I enjoyed the mixture of emotions in this piecwe and I thank you for sharing it. As always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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I usually give lengthy, critical reviews but I hope that you don't mind a personal one on this one as I really saw no need for such a review.
This piece had to have been the hardest thing to write, as I can just imagine all you went through during your sons' births. It takes a lot to be able to share something like this with others and I bet the words just flowed onto the screen when you wrote it didn't they?
Anyway, I was realy captivated the moment you started talking about Lapeer and Flint. I lived in Lapeer in 1995-1997 and my second child was born at Lapeer hospital on Jan. 1st, 1997. He was premature and only weighed 3lbs. 12 ozs. but unlike your poor sons he didn't suffer any medical problems, he just had to stay in the hospital until he gained 4 oz and that was a task in itself, I'm blessed with that and it pains me to know all you and your family had to endure.
You did a beautiful job expressing the emotions you and your family went through in all that time and i'm so happy to know your children survived and are now young men who are no doubt happy and no doubt children you and your wife are proud of today.
This story really touched my heart and I literally choked back tears as I read it. You did an amazing job with this story and I hope in the future you will pen more of your families lives just as amazingly as you did this one. It is always wonderful to read about such good news that started out something that could have been tragic.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful piece and God Bless you and your family. I wish the best to you all. Write On
Tanya
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title and description is what drew me into reading this piece. I think they both give a good hint as to what lies ahead in your story.
This is my favorite part in this story, although it is a wonderful story altogether. But this part is what really kept me reading. When he headed back to Brown University, they promised to stay in touch. That is how life goes, isn't it? If you never stay in touch, people come into your lives for a purpose. Sometimes it is for a moment, a lifetime but there is a reason. God puts them there to show you what a rose petal feels like, point out the wonder of a sunrise, or see the smile of a first Christmas morning. The world and all in it is extraordinary. Sharing it is twice as much wonder.
That person is part of you for that reason.
Your descriptions of the characters, their emotions and surroundings painted vivid pictures for the reader to feel right in the story. You slowly introduced the plot of the story, setting up the whole scene, giving impressions of the characters. Very well done!
There were a lot of raw emotions painted in this story. Heart ache, happiness, loss. An emotion for everyone. So many can relate to many of the emotions here.
Suggestions: her literature teacher suggested Here you need a comma after teacher. Usually there is a off duty cop that works security in the evenings Here it should be an off duty... Doug Addison and Louie Ferrier were know to be "slackers". I think here you meant to say known instead of know? Small error but makes a world of difference Her parents wre so proud Here you misspelled were. So out of that first time, there was a joining of sperm and egg. Although I probably understand the reason you wrote a joining of sperm and egg, I honestly got hung up on this line. You used such wonderful words to describe all other aspects in this story, yet this one seemed to throw it off. How many people actually describe it like this any more? I'm not trying to sound harsh just want you to see how it throws all the other descriptions off. I think you really could use something else just as strong to describe this action.
Other than these few small errors I think this is a well written story.
Overall Impression: A story full of so many emotions. All dealing with the cycle of life. Birth, death, loss, happiness. You told such a wonderful message within this piece that can touch the heart of many. I enjoyed this piece and the message within makes it that much more enjoyable. I thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your description is what drew me into reading this piece. The fact that you leave a hint that there is a twist to the story is an eye catcher in itself. I think both title and description fit this story well.
You caught my attention and kept it with this piece. The gentle ease into the plot of the story was well put together and organized. The fact that Mae's best friend didn't even know who her crush was a bit strange in the fact that a best friend usually pushes more, asking a lot of questions and not giving up, but since her best friend was the subject of her affection, it made it understandable.
Courage is something a lot of people can relate to. Finding it within yourself to be able to do or say what is in your heart is so hard. It took this Mae a lot to finally find that courage and you portrayed exactly how hard it was for her.
The dialogue was wonderfully put together, although the word 'man' was used quite often for two females.
Your descriptions of the characters, their emotions and surroundings were all very clear in this story making it easy for a reader to sympathise for both Mae and Delcine.
Suggestions:
Other than not using the word 'man' so much I think this is pretty well done. I found no misspellings or grammer errors.
Overall Impression: This story had so many parts that young teenagers can relate to. Finding courage to tell someone how they feel. Frustration after being rejected, and true friendship and understanding between two people. It is a wonderful story about how even though you may get hurt it is better to be honest with someone rather than have regrets later. You never know the out come unless you go after what you want. Well written story here. Thank you for sharing this piece and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title is what drew me into reading this piece along with the description. I think they fit your story very well. I really like how the title is kind of a metaphor for split personality. I never would have thought about the disorder in that way.
You lead into the plot slowly, setting up the characters, their emotions and the setting of the story.
With the use of good descriptive words your emotions and message in this story are very clear, giving the reader what they need to feel compassion for these characters.
Your story is realistic in a lot of ways. The fact that you didn't give off a lot of what Split personality characteristics was well done, you don't want to use too much, then it would turn into more a research piece. As well the man character leaving is also realistic. It's hard to deal with loving someone who aren't themselves most of the time. You never know who or what is going to happen and it can be scary.
Suggestions: I think you kinda ended the story abruptly. One minute she was in therapy the next it was over. Did they decide not to get rid of Caro? It could use just a bit more in the end.
Overall Impression: I really liked this story. It's realistic, emotional and heartbreaking in some areas, but in the end it gives a sense of hope that things can get better. Thanks for the read and as always, please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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~~~This review brought to you by Chatterbox Review Central~~~
Title
Your title pretty much says it all. I like how you didn't actually use the words in the poem (acrostic) for the title, instead using malice. It sets the point of your poem up well giving a hint as to what lies ahead in your poem.
Persona
The speaker of the poem gives the reader a great setting to leave the overall message of this poem with. To me this poem says that one character has deeply hurt the other and although the feelings are still there, it is time to move on from this relationship.
Diction
Take out the glass shards from my palpitating heart
Have blood flow down your arms as a stagnant reminder
If the stains won't scrub away consider it my last gift
Set as evidence of our red dawning apocalyptic end
This I would have to say is my favorite part of the piece. It opens the poem well with the strong message of what the rest of your poem is about.
Imagery
I liked the descriptive words you used in this poem. It set up nice visual imagery in which I had to feel compassion for the author/speaker of the poem. The emotions are well defined and easy to relate to, everyone has suffered a broken heart at least once in their life.
Rhythm
The meter stays well within the style of your poem. Acrostics are hard for me and I find myself working 3 times as much on getting the wording just right in one, but i think you did a great job with this one and can imagine it took you less time than it would have for me. Each line leads into the next without any flaws.
Rhyme Scheme
No rhyme scheme
Structure
Overall the poem flows well with the meter, stle, and rhythm. As I said each line leads into the next without anything missing to confuse the reader. The only suggestion I would have would be to bold the first letter of each line, making it stand out so a reader can see what the acrostic words are.
Theme
Again almost everyone has suffered a broken heart and so therefor it is easy to understand the meaning and message you give in this poem. The emotions are stated strongly bringing a reader to feel a lot of what the author is expressing.
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Off: WELCOME TO WDC!!! Hope you find this site as wonderful as I and so many others do!!If you ever have questions there is always someone here willing to help, just ask!
First Impression: What a good choice for your title. It gives a hint as to what to expect in your poem without giving off too much detail! Well done.
I really like the descriptions you used to express the meaning of your poem. It makes for a wonderful read, easy to get your point.
I was able to get a good visual image of the tree and it's motions with the way you descibed it. Well done choice of descriptive words.
Your poem flows well with the style and meter and has a great rhythm to it. I found no forced rhymes here.
Suggestions: None I think it's wonderful as is!
Overall Impression: What a great poem describing the sturdy stance of a tree and what it goes through. You could take this piece and relay several things in a persons life to this as well making it a great metaphoric read as well. Well done I'm so glad I decided to drop by your port and I look forward to seeing more from you! Thanks for sharing this piece and please do... Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: I've enjoyed several of your works in the past and so decided to revisit your port and this little piece caught my eye. The title alone was enough to catch my attention but the description definitely added to my anticipation of reading it. Well done choice of title, It fits well.
Yuo caught and held my attention through this whole piece with the descriptions used to describe the characters and their surroundings.
You took your time leading into the plot of the story with details to describe actions and emotions, well done here.
It is a fun little story about what it might be like for aliens from another planet. I like how you made them so very small yet didn't give that away till the very ending.
I enjoyed how you kept many things described just enough until the very end when the reader realizes exactly what is happening. It made the story exciting and puzzling at the same time. I had to question what in the world the liquid was as well as the poles they held onto. Nice twist!
Suggestions: I have none
Overall Impression: I enjoyed this short piece and what it might be like for aliens to visit our planet. You used tweists in this piece that makes it unique from others. It was a sad ending though. Wish they could have gotten the chance to experience more, but it is a fitting ending. I enjoyed this read and I thank you for sharing, as always, please do...Write on!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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midnitewhisper here,
Please know that my reviews are my personal opinions only.
First Impression: Your title and description is what drew me into wanting to review this piece. I think they both fit your story well, giving just a hint of what your story is about without giving away too much information.
You did a good job at leading into the plot taking your time describing the characters and the setting.
Dialogue based stories are pretty hard to do for me and I think you did a good job with this one. The words chosen are realistic and believable making it a realistic story. One that could possibly be a true story.
Your title says pros and cons and you did a good job of giving a few examples of each pro and con in this piece.
Suggestions: I think this is a pretty good story as is. I found no misspellings or grammer errors and I like how the story is laid out, therefor I would suggest no changes.
Overall Impression: I enjoyed this story. It had a lot of good visual areas in which I found myself in the story, seeing what was taking place, especially towards the ending. I think it's a well written story and I thank you for sharing this piece. Thanks for the read and as always, please do...Write On!
Best wishes,
midnitewhisper
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
I think this is a good start to a story and I hope there is more of to follow.
I like the descriptions you've given in this write. You've used metaphors and very defined descriptive words to express feelings, emotions, actions and people which set a good mental picture for a reader. Well done.
Here are a few minor grammer issues, not many at all concidering the size of the story:
I'd like to see a title to this piece instead of just Chapter 1 you could state it's a chapter in the description. You want to draw in readers and to be honest, Chapter 1 doesn't catch attention.
Forcing my self to ignore the sight I completed the objective and we fled up - in this line you need a comma between sight and I.
I tried to barricade the predicted soon to arrive thoughts of loneliness - This line is a bit drawn out. I think you could shorten it by deleting soon to arrive
This is my favorite part of the story so far. I think it's the strongest setting for the emotions you felt and describes them strongly.
I compare the pain of betrayal to a blade sharply and suddenly kicking open the door of my heart, slowly being shoved deeper as my ocean of love pours to the earth, giving life to a tree with an isolated pear who dangled temptingly, flaunting its tastiness.
So far, again, I think this is a good start to a story that really would need more to fully understand what the author is going through. I encourage you strongly to continue with the story. In my opinion I highly enjoy reading works off of personal experiences whether turned into fiction later or staying non-fiction. It helps readers get to know the authors better. Thanks for sharing this piece and please do... Write on!
Hello Skoen! Thank you so very much for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor ! I am Shh...whisper, MHWAmember and it is an honor to be reading this piece today. Please know that my reviews are my personal opinion only and therefor you do not have to take any suggestions I may have for you and I would not be offended. Now for your review: Your title, I must admit, in the beginning rose a few questions in my mind, but with reading the prologue it became very clear that it fit the story. Nice use of a one word description for the story. I have to be totally honest, what kept my attention in this piece was all the descriptions. You used a wide variety of metaphors that painted beautiful pictures in my mind and made me want to be in the setting of this piece. Your descriptions of the characters and surroundings were amazing to say the least and the emotions and actions you described drew it all together perfectly. I think you did a great job in taking your time in leading up to the plot of this prologue. You introduced the main characters slowely, setting up the surroundings first. Well done, very well done. There were a few minor errors I noticed in the write, but not enough to distract my attention let alone make me want to stop reading. With a little editing this story will be perfect. Below are a few of my suggestions:
The sea sooths me- I think but not 100% sure, even after looking it up that sooths should be soothes No one remembers it but it's still there every time a life is begun and it is only recognised -I think this would read better if you changed every time a life is begun to every time a life begins or has begun Dublin in a small one-up-one-down red brick extension- you need a comma between down and red here. She lived at the top of a hill with his aunt and uncle in Ireland / She wasn't happy, but when she thought about the people her aunt worked with everyday - These two lines confuse me. In the first line you state they are his (I take it as her fathers) aunt and uncle, but then in this next line, you describe them as her aunt and uncle. So my question is are they her great aunt and uncle?
My favorite part in this story is this part:
Yet amongst all those brought up in the primordial maelstrom of antediluvian alacrity there are those who did not tread unassumingly down a straight fairytale track, those who did not follow the path laid out for them on stones so ancient they crumbled into the earth and become dust
Because of the description in this part, it is what caught my attention the most and made me want to continue through the whole story.
Overall I enjoyed this story, mostly because of the wonderful way you described every action, emotion, character and their surroundings. Rarely do I find a piece that uses just enough descriptions to make a story stay with me. I have even suggested to others they should read this story and i was only 3 paragraphs in when I suggested it and I still stand by my suggestion. An outstanding read and believe that I will continue reading the rest and I hope the other chapters are as detailed as this one!
Thank you so very much for the great read and I hope this review has helped in one way or another. As always, Please do.. Write On!
midnitewhisper/Tanya
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Hello xxyesterday07xx! My name is midnitewhisper and I will be reviewing this for the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Thank you for your entry and I wish you the best of luck! Please remember grammer and spelling errors will not be concidered as a factor in the overall judging of this contest, but I will point out any suggestions I may have in my review.
My first impression was that this is a bit of a dark piece. Everyone has to make decissions in life, sometimes they might end up hurting others even if it is the right choice. You don't really give any examples of what the choice is, therefor I can not really say it would be the correct choice. What you do describe is the emotions and feelings you have while making the desition and it shows rather well that you aren't liking it.
The flow is rather smooth for the most part. I like the way you made the lines go down you expressed falling. That added a nice touch to the piece. The rhythm is fit for the piece although it goes off here and there, you have not set pattern for it. The meter is well within the style of the poem and helps with the overall flow.
I found no grammer or misspellings.
The only suggestion I have is this piece could use a bit more descriptions as to the choice which has to be made and who except the author it would affect. As you stated in your description, it would hurt many, but I'm not getting how or who.
Overall this is a pretty good piece that with a bit more work would be an excellent dark piece. I thank you for submitting into the contest and again I wish you luck.
As always, please do...Write On!
midnitewhisper
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shh...whisper
Hello Belest! My name is Midnitewhisper and I will be reviewing this piece for the {litem:1891119). Thank you for entering this contest and I wish you the best of luck! Now for my review. As stated in the rules, grammer and punctuation won't be focused on when it comes time for judging but I will point out any suggestions I have in order for the piece to be it's best even after the contest. Please remember this is my opinion only, take what you want to use and throw out the rest if you want.
Your rhythm in this piece was well put together. It helps with the flow of the poem. I only noticed one part where it seemed forced and I think it was simply because there was no other word to use there.
The style is simple and also helps with the flow. Although in the meter goes off in the 3rd stanza compared to the other 3 stanzas but it still remains a rather important part of the entire message of your poem.
As for the purpose of the piece, this is a poem most anyone would probably be able to relate to which makes it easy to have compassion for the author in understanding their emotions. The last line I would have to say is the most powerful and my favorite line in the whole piece.
As for misspellings the only one I noticed was bear. It should be bare. bear is an animal, where as bare is a decription.
In all I think your poem is a bit on the dark side. Your emotions are clear here as well as your message.
I enjoyed the read and again I wish you luck in the contest!
as always, please do...Write On!
midnitewhisper
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shh...whisper
This is a very well written piece to describe what reminds you of someone you have obvious emotions for. Your use of descriptive words paints a vivid picture and puts a reader there with the author seeing these beautiful things of nature. What a wonderful way to tell someone how wonderful and beautiful you think they are.
It has a wonderful rhythmic flow to it as well. I enjoyed reading this piece.
The only suggestion I would have is to delete the last line, or use I wished for you, but thats just my opinion. I really think this is a beautifully written piece and I thank you for the read.
Please do .... Wrte On!
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Title
Your title shows exactly what lies inside your poem. Well done.
Persona
Ordinary is such a simple word but there are many ways to describe it. Your message here describes the term well.
Diction
I'd have to say every line was as meaningful and powerful as the next. I can not pin point one line that stands out more than the rest in this matter.
Rhythm
The rhythm in this poem stays well within the meter and style of the poem.
Rhyme Scheme
No rhyme scheme found
Structure
The over all structure was well put together. You expained the style in which you used but it was clear in reading it which style it is. Well Done
Theme
You have a simple theme here to describe a term that has many ways to express it. I liked your use of descrciptions to express your meaning.
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Title
Your title fits well with you poem giving a hint to what lies ahead in your poem.
Persona
A clear message of the troubles society offer many today.
Diction
"what harm is there in coming forward when you are dead?" These words speak the loudest to me because we all have a time when we feel invisible whether its when we've welcomed it or not.
Imagery
Your imagry was well put together in this piece. You show a place of misery.
Rhythm
This poem has a great flow to it. While there is no set rhyming it still flows well with the style and meter.
Rhyme Scheme
none found
Structure
Free style is one of my favorite styles, actually I prefer it over all of them. There are never false rhymes, not set style to follow and ex. while still being able to have a great structured poem.
Theme
We've all experienced a moment or two like this so your story within ths poem is realistic. You show great images in this piece to show a reader your emotions. Over-all a well written poem.
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Title
What is the relationship of the title to the poem? Is it connected in meaning in some way? Does it provide the setting or context for the poem? If there is no title, what might be a good title and why? Or what might be a better title and why?
Your title and description really fit well with your poem here. It sets up your poem well giving the reader a good hint as to what lies withn your poem.
Persona
Who is the speaker of the poem? To whom is s/he speaking? What is his/her message?
I can tell this poem is to someone you once had a relationship with and still think of time to time. You make that very clear in your poem.
Diction
Which words, in particular, are most effective in the poem? Why? What does a particular word make you think of? If words are not effective, how are they not effective and what are some alternative choices the poet could consider that would strengthen the meaning of the poem?
'remembering with sweetness' was the most powerful point in this piece for me. It shows that this person is still someone who is thought of.
Imagery
How effective are the images in the poem? What senses does the poet appeal to? Do any of the images evoke emotional responses in the reader? If so, what is the effect?
Even with this piece being short, the imagry is still quiet powerful in making a reader feel for the author. The beginning of the second stanza was a great imagary point for me as well. Giving the character talked about options.
Rhythm
How effective is the meter or syllable pattern if used? Is it done to reinforce meaning? Is it regulated well or is it awkwardly forced? What improvements can be made?
This piece has a natural flow and rhythm to it. Simple yet very strong even in it's shortness.
Rhyme Scheme
If a rhyme scheme is used, is it regular? Does the poet employ slant rhymes or approximate rhymes? Does the rhyme enhance the meaning of the poem or detract from it? Why?
No rhyme scheme felt here.
Structure
Consider the overall structure of the poem: the stanza form, line breaks, punctuation, etc. Does the structure seem artfully made?
The whole piece works together reading well with the structure, form, style, and rhythm.
Theme
How important is the theme? Does it illustrate a universal truth? What idea is the poet sharing with the reader?
I think this piece really gets a reader to feel what the author has felt, leaving a reader to have compassion for both author and character. Many people can relate to remembering someone who they used to have strong feelings for and still plays on their minds.
I found no need for any suggestions for this piece.
Thanks for the read and as always... Write On!
midnitewhisper
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Waiting to grab you once you sank- In all the other lines you were able to not repeat any words to express yourself or your emotions, thoughts. I think here you could possibly find another word to replace waiting.
So we’re not doing to bad. Again to should be too.
I really found a lot of repetativeness in this story. While I understand that it was to make a point, I really think you could have done so without repeating the same thing over and over again. Ex.“Don’t care. Don’t care at all. You have done this in a few paragraphes where the first sentence is short then the second one gets a little longer, but still only saying exactly what the first sentence did.
Like the line Oh my- Oh me, Oh my. That line threw me off a bit. It's really not something I'd ever have expected in a story like this. Maybe just leaving it at Oh my would read a bit better.
My parents feel the girls I am in school with come from