*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nanette2001/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
358 Public Reviews Given
768 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 -6- ... Next
126
126
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found you listed in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter this week and linked to your port for a look.

I am forever impressed with the ability to pack so much drama and emotion into a little space. I have a running need in my work to tighten, tighten, tighten. You have expressed, in 55 words or less, an entire range of emotions and conflict.

Way to go, Newbie!!

Write ON!!
127
127
Review of Silently Running  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this poem on the Shameless Plug Page.

I was curious to find how you felt, as you described, "without God."

I have always described those feelings as an emptiness, but you made me think about the deflation component of that feeling.

I found nothing techinically wrong.

*Idea*
I did have a visual idea. Perhaps using color or boldness to emphasize the last three lines. Many poets use visual spacing. For instance:

silently
running
out

OR

Without You my life is
silently
running
out.

Write ON!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
128
128
Review of The Bishop's Hand  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I found this piece in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter this week. It is riveting!! I was drawn in from the moment I realized it was a memory!

Please don't ever apologize for sharing these memories, especially here. My baby brother just finished his teaching certificate. He is 42 and it was a life dream that a lay-off notice provided a path. He will hopefully be teaching history in some district this year. He had to do a paper for one of his classes on a relative in a war, preferably the war of his greatest interest. He told the story of our grandfather who was so mad at his dad for not buying a farm to keep his only son out of war that he only wrote home to his mother. My brother found the clippings of the letters he sent home as published in the hometown paper all those years ago. Grandpa was mustard gassed in the Aragon Forest but by the grace of God, he survived until my fourth birthday (plus two months), always having the doctors marvel.

I am so glad you are telling your stories, especially here at Writing.Com. I admire not only your daring to sit still for that long (I have aches and pains myself), but for the gift you are giving in telling the tales!

I so enjoyed the tale and realize that finding Karl as a victim has probably preyed on your mind, but I also read your finding your peace.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Write ON Newbie! You're among my favorites now!
129
129
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very impressive comment on high-tech. Odd, Free Spirit was my pseudonym in my high school paper on my poetry.

Just remember high tech can never replace experiential wisdom and moral guidance!

Write ON Newbie!
130
130
Review of Reality  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this on the Shameless Plug Page. I like the poem. I can relate to what you are saying. The rhyme established in the first stanza exists in the last stanza, but the third and last lines vary enough in the middle two stanzas to interrupt the flow. At least it did for me.

The last two lines of the last stanza were also troublesome in that the rythym, previously established throughout, runs away. It is a poem, they do not have to be whole sentences. Maybe: e.g. "Grow, become strong, just lessons God's making"

This is a really good poem.

Write ON!!
131
131
Review of Waiting  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love those quiet times when the devotions of our heart connect to the beauty around us and we are bombarded with the enormity of the task God has. All things take time. We live in a world that has lost respect for the steady and dwells on the drive-through society we have become.

Thank you for sharing this devotional through the Spiritual Newsletter this week. I always sit back and wonder though: How long will God wait on us to see the big picture?

Thank you,
Pastvoices
132
132
Review of As We Once Were  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this in the NEWBIE ZONE. I am sure you had them rolling in the aisles at open mic night. And I went back 25 years to my husband's affair with a Ford F-150 with oversized tires and four-wheel drive, in dire need of a paint job. How I resented the weekends devoted to her cosmetic surgery and where in the world to put a family! Unfortunately (for him I guess, didn't bother me) a transfer in HIS job forced him to part with her, she would not have survived the 850 mile trip. Besides I think other states have eyesore laws.

There were some punctuation and grammatical errors, which could be easily found by spell check or reading it outloud (in your case to yourself, the wife might scratch someone or something's eyes out, figuratively speaking)!

I've listed a few glitches that jumped out at me. Corrections are in red.

I bought her five years ago and

on and on we rode

Penn and Teller without the loud
mouthed

Fred Astaire

Sergeant Schultz

My car is healthy, I am happy and my wife, "blah blah blah MINI VAN !

I wasn't sure here but thought there was a word missing between "wife and blah}. Is she driving one (Volvo for Mini Van?) or is she still dreaming of one?

Write ON Newbie!!
133
133
Review of Chocolate Ecstasy  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.5)
OK, I was pulled into a spiral (and had to leave the room to raid easter chocolate) in the first stanza. I savored the last stanza then fell off a cliff on the last line. I can't quite pinpoint the problem, I will post this review so others might notice it and possibly offer guidance.

I found this in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter for last week. It did remind me of the movie Chocolat. A movie that should bear the warning on the DVD, "Not to be watched without Chocolate within reach!!"

Write ON Newbie!
134
134
Review of Omniscient Twain  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As an English Minor (9 hours shy of that double major), I thouroughly enjoyed your view of choice of narrator in Mark Twain's Pudd’nhead Wilson.

The Twain story was one of my lesser favorites of this accomplished author. It is my view that his protagonists/heroes were often like Clemons himself hiding from their virtues.

My only comment has no bearing on the piece itself, only an observation (I never had before) of this piece that I got from your rendering:

I have to wonder if this was on purpose, to contrast the instigator with the quiet boy who never bothers anyone. The rightful inheritor of wealth and fortune turns out to be the one who quietly goes about his duties on earth without fussing or irritating others; who, after being given this wealth still prefers the humbleness of a regular workday and only the necessities of life.

Perhaps this is also an allusion of Chambers to The Bible or the person Christ would have men be in that book of books. My first (I think) visit to your port, but I will be back. I love scintillating literature discussions! I do hope the professor gave you an "A." I know I would.
135
135
Review of Crickets  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (3.5)
Looking through my Noticing Newbies Newsletter for this week, I came across this piece. I have to say I love it! I was right back there on the porch with you. That being said there were a few places that almost made me jump up off the swing and run. Here are the only real problems I saw.

There I was. S, sitting on the porch, staring at the sky.

You seem to have the opposite problem of me, I have a tendency to overuse commas and you just avoid their necessity by ending the thought.

The silvery moon was shining bright and silvery.Looking through my Noticing Newbies Newsletter for this week, I came across this piece. I have to say I love it! I was right back there on the porch with you. That being said there were a few places that almost made me jump up off the swing and run. Here are the only real problems I saw.

There I was. S, sitting on the porch, staring at the sky.

You seem to have the opposite problem of me, I have a tendency to overuse commas and you just avoid their necessity by ending the thought.

The silvery moon was shining bright and silvery. It could stand alone or you could add a simile. Silvery before moon leaves this sentence open to giving even more of a feel for the place you are in.


A cricket began to chirp near by. H; he was singing his night song with all his might. I might change "night" to "nightly." "...with all his might" is a little cliche. I might change it to something to indicate the voraciousness of a cricket. I just don't see them as mighty. There legs twitch together to make their song, maybe work with that.

But...fFor some odd (forgive me, but "odd" seems odd here, perhaps "unknown" or "unfathomable" reason, I couldn't do it.


I had also lived so close to the interstate that I couldn't hear anything but cars and big rigs speeding along all through the night.

I got tripped up here and had to go back a couple of times. The memory and present can't both be past tense. Even though you plan to make the switch back, it isn't known here that it will be past by the time it is over. I suggest:

"I also live so close to the interstate, I can't hear anything but cars and big rigs speeding through the night."

Now, back on the front porch that wasis the setting for so many wonderful childhood memories, I realized that I could can never go back to the noise and chaos that was is my life in the city.

You have returned to the present moment again. In the story, you are just "realizing" as you have remembered. Because of what goes before that makes your decision and the city part of the present.

I wanted, no, needed, to be able to sit outside on muggy summer nights, and listening to the wind in the trees and feeling the buzzing of bees in the air.


Most of all, I miss the crickets.
This closing sentence is OK. "Mostly" rather than "most of all" would put more punch. And making "miss" to "missing" would make it active rather than passive.

I said, I love this piece, these grammatical nuances would help it immensely. I have rated higher than the average rating as the content of the piece is high quality.

Write ON Newbie!
136
136
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
A tear and a twinge, chills and a sigh. Those are my first reactions to the story! You don't mention your age, but I find, even without knowing it, you were quite wise beyond your years. My own children, (pretty well grown) know how tough it has been with them in school and my disability and have only been able to muster ingratitude and pouting for things I have scraped the bottom of the barrel to give them. That is to say, your reaction to the reality was exactly what your mom needed.

You are right, it does need a different title. One hasn't come to mind right off, but I will think about it.
137
137
Review of Writing  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (2.5)
I found this piece in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter last week. First let me say that this is a quality description of the writing craft from the point of view of someone who truly loves the exercise.

From a grammatical, rule standpoint there is a great deal of work to be done. There are many sentence fragments. An established writer can get away with them here and there, new writers should adhere strictly to the rules as much as possible.

When I teach, I always, up front, tell new writers is to avoid, at all costs the evasive words such as "thing," "everything," "it," "that," "they," etc. As a rule, in rereading your work (and I am just as guilty as the new guys or gals) use a questioning eye: everything = what things?, it or that = what?, they = who? and so on. You, the writer know what you mean, but unless you have mentioned it in the past couple of sentences, you need to remind your reader.

I did not intend to spend an hour on this piece and perhaps I just didn't see it in the same light others have rated it. I could not with good conscience, rate high and walk away from a treatise to writing that could be so much more. Below are the editing marks I would give any student. It isn't comprehensive or a mandate, but it is honest.

Writing, to me, makes my world melt away:,. It takes me to other worlds{x. W{/x; worlds I, myself, create. Sometimes they are seemingly perfect, other times they are seemingly imperfect. But Even all of the imperfections make them perfect to me. Why? Because they are my creations, My fantasies, My ideas, they are mine. , simply that and nothing more. Oh, but it[it? what does?] means so much more to me, it is my light, my darkness, my fears, and my breath. In essence, it is my entire being. I put my every essence [suggestions are fiber, thought or a new sentence such as "I pour all of myself into..." into what I write.

To For me, writing is about expressing doubts, fears, and excitements[are you sure "excitement" is the word you want is doesn't have a plural}. Writing is It's about feeling, and growing, and loving and hating. It is about testing, and tasting, and kissing and molding. It is the light, and it's the dark. It is the glowand it's the shadows. Just give me one moment and I will capture all of that on the same page. Because I take the time to capture the moments, to paint the moments; My the only paint being the ink in my pen or the energy in my fingertips.[I love this sentence!] Give me the beauty, the ugly, the greed, the love and the hate, that is all I need for inspiration.

It's Writing is (everything)[see note about this word] I need, everything I breathe, everything I want and so much more. I can taste the words. I can feel the words. I need the words. I am dependent on them. I believe in all the places writing takes me. I could not live without it writing. I love writing, I loathe writing and I need writing. I need it to simply be. Because simply, it is who I am. And,[Not a good use of "and" so the comma gives it emphasis, but "moreover" or "in addition" would be better] who I will never be. It makes me whole.[I love the antipathy of this set of thoughts!] It Writing makes me feel empty, bringsing me loneliness, bringsing me tears of happinesss, tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of love, and tears of hate.

I want itwriting. I need it; I can feel it even after I close my eyes. I dream about it. I trust itthose dreams, It they binds me to reality while at the same time letting me drift into fantasy. It holds me I am held content. ,It being ensuresed me. ItProvidesing me with everything nothing else can, I need it, I depend on it, I trust it. Everywhere it takes me is exactly where I want to be.


If you decide to edit or change this piece in any way, I will be glad to re-review for you.

Write ON!!
138
138
Review of Internal Pain  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
JulieAnn,

I felt your pain and wept with you. I never really know sometimes whether I am reading fiction or non-fiction when a piece touches me like this. One of the judgments I place on a piece like this is that it touch my heart and it did.

If it is personal and true, you have my prayers and blessings for letting it out. If you wrote this as fiction, you go!

Write ON!!
139
139
Review of October's Lie  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a beautiful explanation regarding the handle. It is moving, emotional and truly unstoppable reading through to the end! As I read I thought of a friend with a similar story except that her baby girl started her six months in December and missed the summer. I also thought of the angst and tremors over having her youngest son, gripped with the fear of going there again.

I can't say enough!
140
140
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't really consider myself a poetry structure critic. But I felt the stanzas wanting more rhyme than they had. The end definitely trailed off wanting more.

The nit-picking aside, this is a wonderful poem with a truly deep subject. It is amazing the emotions we have kept in our hearts over the years and how they crop up over and over again at a tug on that heart!

Write ON!!
141
141
Review of Honor  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.0)
First the nitty-gritty stuff:

Avoid the words "thing" and "everything" in your writing as if they contain the key to the bubonic plague as you type them on paper! I have had students complain that they can't possibly get two pages on a topic only to read through and find places where they could greatly increase their verbage by relating an exact description of "thing(s)."

The only other semi-rule I would pass on is to avoid using "etc." for pretty much the same reasons I have listed above.

NOW, this is an excellent piece and could even be expanded. I am not sure which series of books you are referring to, but I am sure my 21-year-old son owns all of them. This is a good piece.
142
142
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (4.5)
This evoked a question I have had the past 24 years of marriage. My husband does exactly the same thing as your father. I know that his family was not poor, but Christmas presents were useful not indulgent as the presents I had received as a child.

Thank you for presenting new ways of looking through my husband's eyes!!
143
143
Review by PastVoices
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Having been the mother of twins that were born 2-1/2 months premature, I can assure you I related to the telling of this miracle as well. My boy and girl twins are strapping 21-year-olds now, but my son's life hung in the balance for seven weeks and he almost went back to God on three occasions.

This is a beautiful piece. Maybe my eyes were jaded by hearing the grandma/grandpa point of view compared to my mom/dad point of view, but I couldn't see anything I would change. Your intro brought me right into the foyer with you. I could see the gift shop and I could feel the prayer and tension all around!

Delightful!
144
144
Review by PastVoices
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I never read the original article you refer to or quote from. I have only been here a short time (several months seems like minutes). I started out with a free membership, upgraded myself to basic and then again. I thought I would get my gift points from readers, but soon learned that I wanted to share them with people I come to know through their writings as well. I am struggling not just as a writer, but disabled and paying bills. When I did my last upgrade, I also purchased more points. I purchased them with the very intent of giving them to others or using them within the site to promote others.

This site is premium in my book! It is an avenue that, as a writer, provided me with exposure through a URL that I desperately needed, but also a community of supporters I didn't have. I don't know about anyone else but my family (husband and two college students) see my writing as "playing on the computer" or my favorite from my husband, "Aren't you over that HOBBY yet?!" I needed a community that saw my writing with the same serious nature it has for me.

I am on the verge of my writing taking wings. I owe that not just to this site. Moreover, I have a confidence I can only gain through reviews and ratings. The ratings are nice, but the reviews give me something I would have to pay an agent big bucks to reject an maybe offer some words of advice.

The mood here is positive, which is necessary to a profession that sees (in the real world) more rejection than perhaps dentists.

For someone to say it is a moneymaking venture is a tad cruel. As StoryMaster stated, the site is only viable with the support it garners from within. Gift points are the most unique form of doing this. I love receiving them, but even more I love giving them as encouragement and the ability to purchase tokens of appreciation such as badges and awards to those who are dedicated in helping others succeed as well as themselves!

Besides, this article gave me the knowledge that I am on the right track with gift points, something I wasn't sure about. As my daughter would say, "This article rocks!"
145
145
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
From a believer, this was aptly and succinctly put! I was somewhat ashamed today to be a believer by reactions of people to the loss of a symbol.

It is interesting to hear your position as I prepare mine for Friday's paper. (I have to wait until after publication to post on my site.) I do hope you are sending it out to some wider audience!

Write On!
146
146
Review of Ask the Stars  
Review by PastVoices
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This says it all succintly, quietly and in child speak.
147
147
Review by PastVoices
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
And, fondly I say, take the other codeine!! I had a hysterectomy 15 years ago. I haven't missed it but you brought it all right back. The only suggestion I can think would be searching your thesaurus for more tortuous words for the hit-or-miss male reader to endure!
148
148
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am always amazed at my own turning of the phrase to express my delight in living to others, but you absolutely captivated me and echoed the chambers of my mind and memories.

You see, I suffer from severe major depression, recurrent. I had two mental breakdowns before the right amount of therapy and combination of drugs afforded me to begin to get better. My first breakdown was nine years ago. Five years later I attempted to take my own life. It is profoundly true what you say, unless we step out of ourselves and all we perceive has happened "to" us, offering happiness and love to others, we aren't living, we are existing!

I do not believe you were blunt or unkind. This message is so relevant today it should be written and written over and over. We are responsible for how we view the glass.

Hey, mine's full too!

Nanette
149
149
Review by PastVoices
Rated: E | (5.0)
The idea is a resounding PERFECT in my book. I long for the resources to do such. I have joined the Presidential Prayer team, adopting a Marine and his family to be added to my daily devotionals. This is exactly what our troops need--non-partisan, non-political support and the little extras we take for granted! Awesome idea.
149 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nanette2001/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6