I found this heartrending! Having lost my own father (16 years ago, I was 33, he was 67) much of what you describe are feelings I don’t have to imagine as you stirred them to life in me. It is amazing how the exact time of such events burn into our brain. However unnecessary a detail, it sticks like glue.
I read through first with the eye of a daughter (hard to avoid with pieces such as this). Then with the eye of the editor you desired:
Technical
(add indent)It was Friday evening. October 11th 2002. My son Austin (eldest of my three children) had just finished hanging his first communion cross over the doorway of his bedroom. I was in the next room, on the computer, when the phone rang. I glanced at the clock. 6:55 P.M.
At age 11 (needs comma) she had already run away a dozen times. Wherever Lisa went, trouble followed.
"Lisa, take a breath, tell me exactly what happened to dad. Where is he now?".”He's in the Aambulance" "Where is Mom?" "Outside standing in the driveway." My mind was racing. I was confused, needed details, and all Lisa could manage to do was sob and babble incoherently.
(< = no new paragraph)
I had talked to Dad just the evening before. He complained of pain in his lower back and left leg telling me that, despite his not wanting to sit in a chair, in an over-crowded waiting room for 6 (all single digit numbers are spelled out - six) hours, he would go to the E.R. in the morning if the pain did not let up. Being in constant pain was becoming unbearable for him.
I prayed for the duration of the 30-minute drive to the hospital. Part of me knew intuitivly (spelling - intuitively), for the past three or four months, what my inner child refused to face or believe
Saturday morning my father’s mother(, eliminate comma, insert “and”) two brothers arrived. They had made the two hour(two-hour, hyphenated word) ride by car.
I felt deeply sorry for Mom, losing her spouse of 30 years and my young brother just nineteen, still needed a dad to guide him. (If you spell out nineteen, you must spell out thirty or use both 19 and 30)
Up until this moment (needs comma) Tommy had enjoyed all
the benefits of being the youngest.
We were able to donate skin and his retinas-both eyes. Dad's final gift to someone in need. ( sentence fragment) Might I suggest "'This' or 'It' was Dad's final gift to someone in need."
In all fairness I was acutly (spelling - acutely) aware that I had already collapsed under the weight of one important decision.
Tied up at work (needs comma) he told me to go and he would meet me there.
Arriving promptly at 5:45, we were greeted at the door by the funeral director. A pleasant man, late 60’s with salt and pepper hair. (sentence fragment – suggest semicolon after this phrase and a small “h” on “he”) He stood about 6’ and spoke softly to Mom. I did not hear what he said.
We each signed the guestbook (spelling - guest book) in turn and stood together at the entrance to the room where dad was on display.
New gray sweatpants and a New England Patriots T-shirt. (sentence fragment – consider comma insert making it part of the next sentence) Mom had just bought the new outfit for him for his fifty-fourth birthday, two days prior to that fateful visit to the E.R.
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Surprisingly I thought he looked peaceful; the soulless eyes...
…much paler with a thick layer of makeup coating his face.
(< = no new paragraph)
The rosy tinge … not very gray at all.
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When I touched his arm it was ice cold, something …
Dad’s whole life was his devoted (I believe you want the word “devotion”) to his family. He would have walked to the ends of the earth had any of us needed him.
If I was (proper usage is "were" - "If I were") going through a rough time, he would always give me a little pep talk.
My dad had hopes of hitting the big time one day (in this case, "one-day" is hyphenated word) but once kids came along, that dream quickly faded to black.
I cried through most of the four hour (four-hour - hyphenated) wake, just sobbed and sobbed.
After tomorrow (needs comma) I could go home and wallow in depression and self-pity. When we got home from the funeral parlor, my husband went out and got dinner, Chinese take-out. I think we all felt emotionally bankrupt.
At 8:30 (needs comma) they loaded his casket into the hearse.
The Beatles were dad( apostrophe needed)s favorite and I found this very comforting. Almost as if dad was with me in the car. (sentence fragment – suggest hyphen or semicolon to add to previous sentence)
When the time came for me to read I stumbled to the alter and forgot to bow. (word order – suggest “When the time for me to read came, I forgot to bow as I stumbled to the alter.”)
The priest was helpful gestering (spelling - gesturing) and he reminding me what to do. I read as quickly as I could now self-conscious.
I returned to my seat remembering this time to bow as I left the alter. (word order – suggest “Remembering to bow as I left the alter, I returned to my seat.”)
At the cemetary (spelling - cemetery) I stood back a little from the crowd.
All gathered around dad(need apostrophe)s casket faces somber and sad.
I choose (“chose” is proper here) that moment to let dad go.
Life has never been the same but day by day (day-by-day - hyphenated) we manage to cope.
I still cried as I wrote this, the pain never completly (spelling - completely) goes away, always there like a ghost, haunting.
It is easier now, (needs semicolon) I can write and talk about this experience as I never could before.
I cried as I read this. The wounds of losing loved ones are always surface deep. I know in my own emotional spewings that I often need someone to point out where emotion leaves off and grammar begins.
The grammar and spelling check of this item brought out innocent mistakes that are easy to make and overlook. This is a lengthy review and I would not normally post such a long one publicly. Nevertheless, I believe it is an excellent reviewing tool for other reviewers. (Plus, it should get you more reads!}
I hope this is what you needed. Thank you for asking and allowing me to assist you.
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