An interesting concept for a story. As parents, we don't want to see our children hurt and given the opportunity I'm sure many of us would take their pain ourselves if it were possible.
The story flowed smoothly, each segment easing into the others. I only noticed one small thing. In the sentence "Karen looked at him sarcastically, but knew better than to comment." the word sarcastically didn't fit for me. I think skeptically might have worked a little better.
I believe I would have said it was Cajun blackened turkey and dared anyone to say otherwise.
I had my own turkey malfunction last year. I took the bag out of the turkey before cooking only to find that when we cut the turkey, there was a second bag inside. I ended up having to show everyone the first bag so they would quit laughing at what they assumed was a rookie mistake.
I like the tone you took with this story. I didn't see the punch line of the story until it hit. I didn't notice any glaring errors.
This is probably more a matter of preference but in the seventh paragraph, the phrase "little used kitchen" didn't work for me. I think I would have went with "rarely used kitchen."
As a reviewer, it's always interesting to read others' views on reviewing. I thought you explained your view quite clearly. I like the conversational tone you took. It was like we were sitting down to discuss reviewing rather than me reading your thoughts. From a technical standpoint, I noticed no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Thank you for sharing some of the items you have given awardicons to. I'm always on the lookout for a good read and these sound interesting.
From reading this, it's clear to see that Adriana is an important person in your life. I feel like I've gotten to know her a little through your words. I like the A-Z format. From experience, I know it can be difficult to find a descriptive word for each letter. Write on!
My thoughts
This is quite different from your other items I have read, but it was very well-written. Even though this is short piece, Carlie's feelings clearly came through. The flow was smooth. I didn't notice any spelling errors.
Suggestions The fifth sentence of the first paragraph reads a little awkward. I would consider changing the comma to a semicolon and adding the word "were" after schoolmates. The sixth sentence of the seventh paragraph read a little awkward as well. I would consider changing the comma to a semicolon and adding the word "was" after word. In the first sentence of the letter, I think you can omit the first comma. I was a little confused as to why Father Patrick was stalling
Overall
After reading some of your darker works, this came as a pleasant surprise. I would like to see more of your writing in this style. Write on!
I like that this contest encourages erotica as a story element rather than just the story. The majority of erotica I find is short and about the sex, rather than the characters. I like the tongue in cheek tail/tale. It adds a little light humor. The rules are spelled out clearly. The use of WritingML is tasteful. The prizes are definitely something to shoot for.
I only noticed one error. Inaugural is misspelled.
If you haven't done so already, I would suggest advertising the contest some to hopefully get more entries. Add it to the list at "Writing Contests @ Writing.Com" or submit the contest to the editor of the Contest & Activities newsletter. Write on!
From a technical standpoint, this is fairly well-written. Each chapter left me eager to turn the page. The plot progressed nicely without any lulls. Characters were developed well. There were little to no spelling or grammar errors.
Overall, I think you have a good start to a story here. I do have to admit to being disappointed when I finished chapter eight and realized the rest of the story hasn't been written yet. As I have several questions ringing in my head, it is my hope that you will continue this story in the near future so I can find out what happens.
Thank you for sharing. I've enjoyed the story so far. Write on!
My thoughts
Nice development of Bryce. This chapter reinforced the image I already had in my head of him. Good description of Leblanc. I particularly liked the phrase "obsidian orbs" to describe her eyes. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors.
Suggestions In the first sentence, I think you can eliminate the comma. In the second sentence, I think the comma after thick can be omitted. In the first sentence of paragraph five, I think the first period should be a comma.
Overall
Nicely done. I have a feeling Bryce is going to be an integral part of this story and I'm curious to see what happens next. Write on!
My thoughts
Smooth transition between scenes. I like that you gave a little detail about the victims. It made them more like people than just dead bodies. Nice description of Pancamo and Stern. I could easily picture them from your words. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors.
Suggestions I think you can omit the first comma in the first sentence. I would either add a comma or the word as after said in the first sentence of third paragraph. I think you need a comma after muttered in the fifth paragraph. The comma should be inside the quotation marks on "action" in the seventh paragraph. I think you need a comma after asked in the ninth paragraph of the bar scene. I think you need a comma after said in the tenth paragraph of the bar scene. I think you need a comma after and in the fifth paragraph of the precinct scene. I think you need a comma after thoughts in the sixth sentence of the sixth paragraph of the precinct scene.
Overall
Other than a few comma issues, this was very nicely written. Write on!
My thoughts
The story slowed a little here, but answered some of my questions. Your description of David was good. It helped me get a clearer picture of him. Good development of the character. It helped me understand why he's doing what he's doing.
Suggestions The last sentence of the first paragraph reads a little awkward. Perhaps rewording it to "He rocked hard to the side, wincing as his hip landed on the floor and the back of his dark head bounced off the wall, enabling him to sit up with his long legs stretched in front of him." I'm not sure about the use of the word sanctuary in the third paragraph. To me, a sanctuary is a place of refuge. It doesn't fit well with the character being scared. I think you need a comma before then in the first sentence of the fourth paragraph. I think you need a comma after whispered in the sixth paragraph. In paragraph eleven, you have an extra period. Also, I think you may have meant to instead of too. In the same paragraph, I'm a little confused as to who is talking. I think you need a comma after long in the fourth sentence of the fourteenth paragraph. I think you need a comma after replied in the seventeenth paragraph. The transition between the scene with Taylor and the scene with the man is a little abrupt. I think you need a comma before pet in the nineteenth paragraph. In the last sentence, I think you meant than instead of then.
Overall
The story is moving nicely along. You end this chapter on a note that has me curious to turn the page. Write on!
My thoughts
Nice, smooth transition from the prologue. You described the characters well enough I could get a picture of them. The action is moving along at a nice pace. You end this chapter with a line that encourages the reader to move on to the next chapter.
Suggestions In the sixth sentence of the third paragraph, I believe the semicolon should be a comma. In the fifth sentence of the fourth paragraph, I think you can omit the comma. The second sentence of the seventh paragraph reads a little awkward. I believe it should be aforementioned in the eighth sentence of the fifth paragraph at the precinct house. I believe you need a comma after and in the tenth sentence of the same paragraph. I would have liked a little more detail on the setting. What time of day was it when they were at the landfill? Is it sunny or overcast? What does the precinct house look like? What size room is it? Is it crowded with desks?
Overall
I think you have an interesting story here. I'm curious to see what happens. Write on!
My thoughts
The transition between narrators was smooth. The gentle, loving tone worked well here. I like that you delved into the characters' feelings somewhat. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors.
Suggestions In the first sentence, I think the last comma should be a dash. In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I think you need an apostrophe in sailboats. The fist in the hair jarred a little for me. It doesn't really fit in with the gentle tone of the story.
Overall
This is quite different from your voyeur story, but still a great story. I think you have a real knack for erotica. Write on!
My thoughts:
I like the concept for this story. I didn't notice any spelling errors. For the most part, the story flowed well.
Personal notes:
I have to admit I was a little disappointed when I found out about Uncle Tom. I'm also curious as to how the family will handle him. Will he be introduced to Tina at some point? Will he appear at other birthdays?
Suggestions: I noticed a lot of unneeded commas. It can be confusing at times to know whether one is needed or not. If I'm in doubt, I refer to an excellent How to article I found here on WDC. "To Comma or Not to Comma" In a couple spots, you switched back and forth between present and past tense. I would have liked to see a little more description of the main character. I get an idea of her personality, but her image is vague in my mind. Giving her age and a few details about her appearance would help give a clearer image.
Overall thoughts:
This is a good story that just needs some polish. I would be happy to come back and review again once you've had an opportunity to do a revision. Write on!
My thoughts:
The poem flowed pretty well other than a couple spots (see suggestions). I noticed no spelling errors. The feeling of regret at these lost friendships comes through.
Suggestions: A couple rhymes felt off. Competition/worsen in the third stanza and prescription/notion in the fourth stanza. "Hated/owed" in the second stanza jarred me a little. I think perhaps a comma or ellipsis (...) would have served a little better. The last 4 lines of your second stanza all end with the same word. I don't know if you intended it that way, but it sticks out since it's the only stanza that repeats a word several times and also the only stanza that has the last 4 lines rhyming..
Overall thoughts:
It's easy to see that thought went into the writing of this poem. I'd like to read more of your work. Write on!
My thoughts:
I like the almost conversational tone you took with this, like we were sitting somewhere and you were telling me the story. It worked well here. I noticed no spelling errors. From your words describing Lucky, I get a clear picture of him and his personality,
Personal notes:
Your Lucky sounds a lot like my Smokey, who also passed away from cancer.
Suggestions:
I noticed a few commas that could probably be omitted.
Overall thoughts:
A bittersweet story. The emotion behind the story comes through.. Write on!
My thoughts:
This was well-written with a wealth of descriptive words. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. The fact that it's written from a first person point of view makes it easy for the reader to put themselves in the situation at hand.
Personal notes:
I think sometimes we get so caught up in the rating that we miss what is in the review. I liked your reference to books having reviews, but no ratings. It fit well.
Suggestions:
One tiny thing Why, if everything was so great, did the cause of our blood sweat and tears get such a low rating? Commas are needed after blood and sweat.
Overall thoughts:
Great job. This is something that relates to us all here on WDC. Thanks for sharing.
My Thoughts:
A good story. The climax was a little abrupt, but it worked well in this story. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors.
(b)Suggestions I would have liked more description of the characters. I got a sense of the type of people they were, but had trouble picturing them. Details of their physical appearance would have helped. There were a few punctuation problems. I noticed some semicolons where a comma or period would have worked better.
Overall thoughts:
Overall a well-written story. Keep up the good work!
Your outrage is clearly expressed. While I normally don't care for foul language, it helped to emphasize your outrage here. You kept this item well balanced by including information as to how readers can help. The flow is well.
Personal notes:
I did find it a little odd that you chose to make the font blue. Blue tends to be a calming color, which doesn't match well with your words.
Suggestions:
You mention the article that led to you writing this editorial. Is there any way you can link to it in case readers want to see for themselves? They could not spend it all if they lived 3 lives continuously. This read a little rough to me. Perhaps They could not spend it all if they lived 3 consecutive lives. When the U.S. government failed to respond to Katrina, Food Not Bombs organize bus loads of food and volunteers to head down to the Gulf Region to feed the survivors. I think you meant organized.
Overall thoughts:
A well-written and informative piece. Thanks for sharing.
My thoughts:
This folder contains a nice selection of fantasy sigs. The sigs are vibrant and eye-catching. I especially liked the use of the quote from King Arthur and His Knights in the Excalibur sig.
Suggestions: The World of Lore sig doesn't really seem to fit in the folder. While it is fantasy-related, it's missing the vibrance I found in the other sigs contained in this folder. I would have liked to see a little more detail in your brief descriptions. The titles give a general idea of the sig, but I think a good description would draw more people. On some of your sigs, you mention they are available through your forum or auction. You may want to include links to those items so people can find them easily.
Overall thoughts:
It's clear to see you have a gift with images. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.
It's kind of ironic reviewing an article on reviewing.
This is a very well-written article on reviewing. I like how you broke down and explained the various aspects to look at while reviewing. The use of WritingML adds to the well-organized feel of the article. Your wording and structure make this easy to understand. I noticed no errors in grammar or spelling.
I only noticed one minor error. A question mark is needed at the end of the fifth sentence where you're discussing topic in articles and essays.
Thanks for the very informative article. With your permission, I'd like to include this article in the section on reviewing in my article on earning an upgrade, "Invalid Item" . Write on!
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Even though this is very few words, it tells a lot. You built the anticipation quite well with the words you were limited to, not an easy task. From the opening line, I assumed the "beast" must be quite scary. It was a nice twist to find out who the beast really was.
You may want to take a look at the third sentence. It read a little awkward to me.
I always find it interesting to see what people find when they host polls or surveys. I like the way you've explained the results from your poll. A lot of times, it's hard to keep informational subject matter interesting. You've kept this article interesting while still clearly explaining your findings.
This was well-written. I only noticed one minor error. In the third paragraph, second sentence, bio-block is missing an o.
Thank you for sharing the results of your poll. It's been a while since I've checked my own bio-block. I think I'll go take a look. Write on!
This is a sad and touching poem. You easily weave between the good memories and the sadness of losing not only a pet, but a friend. I'm sure anyone who has lost a pet can relate to your words. The flow is smooth. The repetition works well to enhance the feeling of loss. The last stanza pulls it together with a heart-wrenching statement. I noticed no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation.
This is a touching tribute to your Aunt Dottie. I always enjoy reading inspirational articles such as this. It reminds me of the good in the world and shows me how I can add to it. Many times we forget how others touch our lives and how we touch theirs as well. I'm glad to see that she helped you over your fear of computers and brought you to WDC where you're carrying on with good deeds.
This was well-written and easy to understand. I noticed no errors in grammar, spelling, or punctuation. You wrap this up with the effect of the inspiration and an encouragement to others.
I think this poem will touch a chord in everyone who reads it. The flow is smooth. The rhymes work well, seeming effortless. I noticed no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation. I like how you touch on the sadness of moving on, yet end on a note of hope with the friendships living on and new friendships beginning.
Well done. Write on!
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The fifth sentence of the first paragraph reads a little awkward. I would consider changing the comma to a semicolon and adding the word "were" after schoolmates.
I noticed a lot of unneeded commas. It can be confusing at times to know whether one is needed or not. If I'm in doubt, I refer to an excellent How to article I found here on WDC. "