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The story of Persephone can be such a dark and tragic one. I'm not too sure if I agree with your take on Persephone's faults but I'm not here to comment on that.
I love the diction in your poem, particularly in the fourth stanza. They display the wonderful range of vocabulary you have as well as your skillful command over them. However, I feel that the imagery in the poem is somewhat lacking. There is a lot of repetition utilized that does not contribute much to the poem. Examples are in the dark, in the light, and she was.
In the space taken up by repetition of these few lines, you can add more imagery, emotion, and description. Maybe give a little background of the story. Talk about the setting a little more. I'm sure Hell isn't just dark. Make the poem come alive.
Otherwise, you do a good job in utilizing imagery and description. My favorite part of the poem is the first line of the third stanza, where you use metaphorical imagery to really enhance the mood.
Well done, I hope to see more of your work!
Dahlia
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This is such a cute little poem. I love the simplicity of the diction and form; it really emphasizes the child-like tone and theme of the poem. The ending was great as well. It was really sweet and I'm sure many people can commiserate.
I did notice one spelling error here:
Allways has her feet on the ground (Always is misspelled)
In addition, be careful about the sentence structure you use. I notice that you reworded some of the lines into structures that people don't normally use or say. I recognize that you did this to fit the rhyme scheme but be aware that it detracts from the poem and makes the flow stutter slightly. If you can't fit the rhyme, don't worry about it. Slant rhymes are good, no rhymes are even better.
Otherwise, great job! I loved your descriptions
Dahlia
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Great choice in title. I've actually always thought of the phoenix colored in reddish gold, so this poem really introduced me to a new perspective.
I really enjoyed reading the poem. The depth of the emotion in here really impacts the reader and allows the reader to connect with the poem because everyone has their silver phoenix. The mood stays strong and consistent throughout the poem.
One of my favorite parts of this poem is when you start to repeat the previous line, but change it at the last moment and use enjambment to complete the effect. Very well done.
Most of all, I enjoyed how you ended the poem. The previous few lines before the ending read fast, quickly building into a crescendo. However, at the last two lines, the flow slows down until the mouth lingers over the four words, making them almost a whisper.
Very well done.
Dahlia
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Wow, I don't know what exactly inspired this but this is such a sad but touching piece of writing. I like the style but think this is more of a dramatic monologue than a stream of consciousness. Nevertheless, this is very well-written. I did spy a few conventional errors though:
1. You don't allow your fear of heights deter you because your fear of being trapped is greater. ("To" between "heights" and "deter")
2. Twenty minutes ago you decided. (Comma after "ago")
3. It wasn't a sudden decision, your thoughts had been speaking to you for months now, but twenty minutes ago, you knew for certain. (Semicolon instead of the first comma)
Otherwise, great job. I especially enjoyed the ending. Even though I knew it was coming, it was still very shocking. The part about having to dive for it was especially unusual. Very creative and very nicely put together.
Dahlia
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The very first thing I absolutely have to mention is that the title of the poem is misspelled. Greatness does not have a third "e". You should definitely fix that.
Reading through the poem, I really felt a sense of tranquility and quiet power. That in itself is proof of the strength and consistency of mood that is achieved by your poem. The poem also displayed a very nice imagery and description. The only lacking, and I'm slightly nitpicking here, is some nice metaphors. This is only a recommendation though.
My only suggestion to you is to be aware of your sentence structure. Make sure the words flow smoothly and that they don't cause confusion. Also remember to double check that your commas are in the right place.
Otherwise, great job! I love the ending, when in the aftermath of all the devastation, the things that survive are stronger and better. By the way, greatness is also misspelled in that last line.
Dahlia
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Very unusual poetic form here. I don't see this quite often. I love the descriptive details inherent in each line. Normally, I don't like repetition in a poem. However, as I believe the repetition here is part of the form, I feel it's a wonderful emphasis of the different responses to the same first action.
Although poets have poetic license, do try to follow general conventions such as capitalizing "I" so as to make reading easier. In addition, try to use correct grammar. This will improve the flow of the poem and also cause less confusion in especially complex lines.
Otherwise, great job on the poem. I really enjoyed reading your unusual reactions and scenes from the one action. The degeneration of the thinking mind is slowly evident. You do a fantastic job providing an ominous hint of foreboding in the beginning and strengthening it to culminate into a strong sense of impending disaster in the last stanza.
Good work.
Dahlia
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This is wonderfully written! I love the intricate imagery and detailed descriptions you utilize. In addition, your sentence structures alternate between long, complex sentences and short, emphatic ones to really maintain a nice flow of words.
My only complaint about this piece is the presentation of it. First off, instead of having it as one big hunk of a paragraph, you should consider including line breaks to make it aesthetically pleasing as well as making it reader friendly. In addition, you have quite a few spelling/grammatical errors interspersed throughout your work. A word processing program with spell check is a writer's best friend. Do try and use it.
Otherwise, great job! The style you write in is very fluid and natural. It reads like a conversation or a thought in someone's head. That type of polish in prose is very hard to obtain. Well done!
Dahlia
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Nice poem! I really enjoyed some of the imagery and descriptions.
One suggestion, however, that you might want to look into is to try writing poetry without rhyming. Usually, I find that rhyming can be very constraining in terms of actual substance as well as words that can be used. In this poem, I feel that the rhymes constrain some of what can be said. It'll also help the flow. This poem could be improved as a free verse.
I also noticed some spelling/grammar errors. You started off really well in terms of conventions, but towards the end, the mistakes started piling up:
1. but look! winters' stain (I think you mean "winter's")
2. nor disaprove (Disapprove is mispelled)
3. And when the last chord has screamed its' name (Since "the last chord" is singular, so must be "it's")
4. with musics help we all can surrive (Apostrophe in "musics" and survive is misspelled)
Otherwise, great job. I enjoyed the descriptions you gave on how music effects life. Your descriptions created a strong and consistent mood of positiveness. Well done!
Dahlia
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For a first attempt, this is very well-written. You should see my first attempt. ^^
Each line separately is a fine gem to admire. The sentence structure is polished. The spelling and grammar are beyond reproach. There are a variety of diction and imagery that create vivid pictures.
However, combined together to make a poem, they feel very...loose. What I mean by that is that they're not tied together very well, substance-wise. The first stanza talks about thinking before acting, the second one talks about troubles of the heart, the third one talks about worries that come with the setting sun, and the fourth about falling but having someone who has fixed you. Reading holistically, I'm very confused as to what the poem is about.
The mood of the poem reflects the odd collection of emotions and scenes; it is at most a sense of some emotion and at the very least, very inconsistent. I see so much potential in this poem though. Like I said before, each line is magic by itself. You just need to find some way to tie them all together. Maybe you already have, but it's just not clear enough. Whatever the reason, there's a lot of potential here. You just need to revise a little bit more.
Dahlia
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First off, let me make this clear. I'm not here to agree or disagree with your opinion. I'm here to critique your writing. ^^
My first impression is that this article, introduction, essay, whatever you'd prefer to call it, is very well-written. The introduction begins very smoothly and provides a decent background before going deeper. The varied use of sentence structure and diction is very appealing and a pleasure to read. Although slightly dry, the content is very easy to swallow and continue on with.
One thing to be aware of and wary of: do try to maintain a modest tone when talking about personal achievements. I cannot speak for other people, but when I generally read autobiographical comments filled with praise, I tend to stop reading. I prefer to make my own judgments. Let the reader determine what you're telling them. Of course, this is just a suggestion. Something to keep in mind.
Otherwise, great job. I liked the logical reasoning you present in your final paragraph. The final sentence also ends on a great note and closes the piece very nicely.
Dahlia
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I love the ending! It's very humorous and made me chuckle! Great story for one consisting of only 55 words. I believe my review for it will even be longer. Great plot, very unique and creative. There's still room for improvement though!
“I do not know what I am going to do without him.” cried Mrs. Johnson. (Comma after "him" as this is a quote from someone. Also, for a statement someone "cried" it reads remarkably formal. To make the dialogue read more realistically, you might consider writing "'I don't know what I'm going to do without him,' cried Mrs.Johnson")
Also, when describing how Mr. Johnson wakes up, you might want to provide a little bit more detail and imagery. That way, you can make the setting a mystery at first, then finally revealing it to be a coffin, thus surprising the reader even more.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this short short story. It was very humorous and light.
Dahlia
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Well written poetry with great imagery. I love the descriptions of the heart and the pain. The mood evoked is definitely very strong and piercing. I also enjoyed the multitude of metaphors utilized. However, this poem can still be improved.
First, I found some spelling/grammar errors. Definitely should fix those.
Conventional Errors:
1. Tears of blood and a blacken heart. (Blackened instead of blacken)
2. Knitted in to a web of pain, (Into instead of "in to")
3. Broken, broken, broken, broken…Is you body. ("your" not "you")
I also read a line that was slightly confusing:
1. A heart scared, everyone felt through the body, (I didn't understand what this line was trying to say)
Some general things you can also improve on is your repetition. I feel that you might be overusing repetition a bit in your poem. It takes up spaced and does not contribute to the poem much. A much more effective style would be to use synonyms. E.g: Instead of "Cold, cold, cold, cold…Is your touch." you can say "Cold, frigid, barren of warmth...is your touch".
Otherwise, this is a great poem. Well done!
Dahlia
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Wow, the emotions in this poem just pulled me right in. The deep hurt of the narrator is evident in every line. Readers can definitely sympathize and/or empathize. I like how you repeat the second stanza. It almost makes the poem read like a song, with the stanza like the chorus.
Conventional Errors:
1. now i lay here looking like a fool (Capitalize "i")
2. Now its all clear (Apostrophe in "its")
3. When you said "baby ill wait" (Apostrophe in "ill")
4. Emotioms take over me (Emotions is misspelled)
5. this is not what i dreamed it to be (Capitalize "i")
6. Why..why am i the fool... (Capitalize "i")
7. I ran after you ,saying "what did i do" (Capitalize "i")
8. I cry "didnt we just make love" (Apostrophe in "didnt")
9. He says to me ,how could i be so naive (Capitalize "i")
I love the way you end the poem. It gives a really sad and lingering tone to the poem. Just fix the conventional errors and you'll be set!
All in all, great work!
Dahlia
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There is so much lovely diction and vivid imagery in this poem. Each line is like a candy treat for me to savor and devour. Don't even get me started on the metaphors! The mood of the poem was strongly sensual I absolutely loved it. However, I did spy a few errors and typos:
Possible Error:
Eyes forced close then placed in the dark, (I think you might've meant "closed")
Spelling/Grammar Errors:
1. Our bodies in coalesce or interwoven (Coalesce is a verb, thus you cannot have "in" before it.)
2. Rendezvous with in my reverie (I believe you mean "within")
Otherwise, great job! The poem flowed very well. When I read it, it almost sounded lyrical. I can't wait to see more of your work!
Dahlia
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This is such an inspirational poem! I love the optimism and support that is inherent in the tone. Great job as well with utilizing the repetition of "hold on" and "even if" to create structure and rhythm. My only complaint about this piece is the lack of punctuation and the capitalization of "On" in the first line.
Why am I bringing up punctuation, especially when poets have poetic license? Punctuation isn't just there for show. It helps the reader keep to the rhythm of the lines, by telling them when to pause and when to read on. Without punctuation, there is a greater chance that the reader might become confused about how a line flows. In addition, punctuation adds aesthetically to the presentation of the poem. It makes it look more professional. Hopefully, I've convinced you on some of the benefits of punctuation. ^^
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this poem.
Dahlia
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I completely commiserate with you. I really like the way you wrote in a stream of consciousness. The lines read very smoothly and the thoughts connect easily. I do have a few suggestions with which you could improve your piece with:
1. Punctuation. You use punctuation (mainly question marks) inconsistently. If you're going to use punctuation, use it correctly for everything. Add those missing commas and periods. They'll help control where the reader pauses to take a breath; they're very conducive to flow.
2. More answers to questions. What do I mean by that? In this piece, there are quite a lot of rhetorical questions that imply some sort of unhappy situation. The readers get a hint of it, but nothing concrete is really mentioned. Bring some actual substance into this piece and the entire atmosphere and tone of the piece will acquire more depth.
Otherwise, great job with your writing. I really enjoyed the mythical references. Also, you did a very good job in allowing the reader to empathize and connect with your piece.
Dahlia
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Great poem! I love the cute story it tells as well as the precautionary ending. You also have a nice command of diction: sprightly, revelries, fawn, etc... You use the vocabulary correctly in a way that reads naturally. Very well done.
I did see a few conventional errors.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
1. he invited the to fairyland (Typo of "them")
2. if you come you cant go back (Apostrophe in "cant")
Also, I recommend that you capitalize accordingly and use punctuation. By doing that, you make the poem look aesthetically pleasing and also improve the flow and rhythm of the reading.
Otherwise, this very well-written. It was a pleasure to read, and I hope to see more of it from you!
Dahlia
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This is a great poem! I love the descriptions, especially your choice of diction. They just make the poem really pop out! My only suggestion would be to maybe add punctuation so as to make the reading easier. The poem flows very well already, but punctuation will let the reader know when to pause and when to read on. This is conducive to the rhythm of the poem and might make the lines more effective.
Also, the rhyming of the poem does add a nice touch, but I think you follow too closely to it in the last two lines, which feel slightly disconnected from the rest of the poem. They add too much new information without really tying it in to the plot/theme of the poem. Thus, you might consider not rhyming and revising the last two lines, or just adding more lines to connect the theme.
My favorite line:
an angelic symphony (Great imagery!)
Also, great use of metaphor. I haven't really seen this much often among WDC poems, so this is a treat!
Well done, and I hope to see more of your poetry!
Dahlia
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This is quite a disturbing story. It's very creative and somewhat well-written. I believe it has quite a bit of potential. All it needs is a bit of revising. You have some fantastic imagery in this piece, you just need to make it flow better and add some more. Also, the dialogue doesn't feel that natural occasionally. But otherwise, you're off to a great start!
Some specific suggestions:
1. Your first two lines need revising. I understand that the repetition of the word "hate" is for blatant emphasis, but that is not the most effective way to start out a story and grab a reader's attention. Instead, try describing the hate. Use vivid imagery as a hook to entice the reader. (Eg: Hatred. A creeping, deep malevolence that steeps through my very soul.)
2. The dialogue. Some parts through your narration, you use "he said...she said..." and the actual things you narrate feel slightly awkward. What I mean is that what the characters say reads a bit too formal for their actual personality. You want the dialogue to be casual and intimate.
3. More descriptions please! You have quite a few sentences with very nice descriptions and imagery, but towards the end, you become more concerned with advancing the plot. Please, give the reader more details to envision the scenes.
All in all, great work! I hope to see more of your writing!
Dahlia
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My Overall Impression:
Great beginning! I love the detailed description you use to introduce the setting. However, be careful that you aren't overly descriptive in that beginning paragraph. Otherwise, you run the risk of slowing down plot development and losing reader interest.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
1. A single doe tread silently in the far corner of the meadow, first, nibbling at the grass and then watching Siam as she began to stir. (No comma after "first")
2. Throwing back her blanket, braving the chill air, she rose and began her morning absolutions. (Instead of a comma between "blanket" and "braving", use an "and")
3. she stoked up the embers from last evenings campfire and prepared breakfast (Apostrophe in "evenings")
4. And then, because you were not the son that he had requested you were to be put to death. (Comma after "requested")
5. Your mother’s heart couldn’t bare any more. ("Bear" not "bare")
Theme/Plot:
I like how the plot is moving in the second and third paragraph. It flows well and gives the reader just enough description to visualize everything. Near the end of the writing you've done so far, I feel as if the plot is moving too fast, especially the last few sentences. Compare the first paragraph with the last paragraph and you'll know what I mean. You do want more quality than quantity. You don't have to write out everything that happened. You can imply it. In addition, I see no reason you shouldn't have written more detail into the last paragraph. Siam's adventure has begun, and I (as a reader) want to know more about it. Use this opportunity to begin to develop Siam's character as well as introduce the reader to the setting. Obviously the setting of the story isn't the US of A.
Character Development:
I can't really comment here because this is just the introduction of a story, not really a full story. I see much promise though!
Imagery/Mood:
Lovely descriptions! Your words really come together to weave an intricate mood of mystery and intrigue. It slowly draws the reader in. Very well done!
Sentence Structure:
You structure your sentences very well. The story flows nicely from one line into the next. However, you can make the sentences even more effective if you occasionally have a short, emphatic sentence amongst the longer, detailed ones.
How I Rated You
Character Development: Not Rated/5
Imagery/Mood: 4/5
Theme/Plot: 4/5
Sentence Structure: 5/5
Presentation: 4/5
Average: 4.25/5
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My Overall Impression:
This is such a sweet short story! I really enjoyed the ending. Although it wasn't perfect, it was realistic and still very happy. Great job in developing the plot! Very revelational. You did especially well with your diction and imagery. I could almost envision them kissing. Well done!
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
1. When I walked back into the bar it was more of the same. (Comma after "bar")
2. She moved like a snake charmer; fluid and sensual. (Colon instead of semicolon)
3. Before I could draw away from her she touched my cheek and held me in placed. (Typo of "place")
4. Without thought or consideration I kissed her lips. (Comma after "consideration")
5. And even today, months later can look back on that night and remember the kiss. (Comma after "later" and also insert an "I" before "can")
Character Development:
The protagonist of the story starts off in an unhappy mood but eventually understands that his unhappiness is his own doing and chooses to break out of it. I only wish that there could've been a little bit more detail and work on the girl's character. Maybe a hint of quirky personality or fire under the beauty. Add more depth to the character.
Imagery:
I really enjoyed the imagery in this story, as I mentioned previously. It is very detailed without being boring. I especially enjoyed the metaphor of the girl as a snake charmer.
Plot/Theme:
The plot isn't a very unusual plot but I love how you give it your own twist with the ending. It's a very nice development and different from the other love stories that people usually write. Great work!
I deducted a point from Character Development because I felt you could've improved the story even more if you had given a bit more personality to the girl.
I deducted a point from Presentation because of the conventional errors in your work.
Otherwise, great job! I hope to see more of your work!
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I really enjoyed the descriptions and imagery in this poem. I could almost imagine the band walking out on the field, synchronized and flawless. Great job! I'm also very impressed with how the poem flowed. Most of the lines read straight into the next without a hiccup. Just be careful with your grammar. Otherwise, this is a very well-written piece.
I do have a few places where I feel you might want to improve:
1. The crisp air of Autumn, fall leaves (I'm not too sure what you meant by this first line. Are you talking about leaves falling or that Fall, the season, is leaving a scent in the air? You might want to revise so it's more clear. I definitely reread it a few times but I still don't really understand.)
2. Above streams of light come shining down (I think you need a comma after "above")
3. Nothing like, being on a team (No comma)
4. A time in life like no others (I realize that you used "others" so you could rhyme with "brothers", but the correct usage is "other")
5. Marching down as one, side by side ( I think this might flow better into the next line without "as one")
I also wanted to emphasize a few parts I really enjoyed:
1. A thunderous roar, all around (I love the description here, very vivid)
2. Electricity fills the air (Great metaphor!)
3. Great job overall with the rhymes. They all contribute to the poem without being inane or interrupting the flow.
Overall, fantastically written!
Dahlia
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My Overall Impression:
This is a nicely written poem. I really love the flow and imagery of the some of the lines. My only complaint is some of the repetition you use could be replaced with more effective words that could contribute to the mood and imagery.
Title:
Great job with the title. I feel that it provides a great introduction. However, I feel the exclamation mark is slightly...unnecessary. It clashes with the theme and just provides unneeded emphasis. Otherwise, great job!
Flow:
The poem generally flows very well. Being picky as I am, I feel as the last line creates an abrupt end to the flow and almost leaves the poem hanging for the last syllable. The first 6 lines of the poem generally have a syllabic count of 9-10. The last line only has a syllabic count of 4. You might want to add another adjective in there to maintain flow as well as add imagery to the poem.
Example: Which clash with budding spring
Mood/Tone:
The poem creates a nice comfortable tone that flows well, but it can still be improved. Like I mentioned earlier, there are some repetitions in the poem that can be utilized better with different words.
E.g. "soothing, soothing melody" and "many, many, many things"
You can replace the second soothing with peaceful, perhaps.
I'll leave you to come up with something for the three "manys". I'm sure you can think up of something fantastic.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
1. Silence is a music that goes unheard. (Silence is music. No "a")
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My Overall Impression:
This poem has great potential, especially in the imagery, but it still needs improvement. The main theme of the poem, especially, needs to be consistent throughout. You do well with descriptions, but some details seem extraneous and slightly confusing. Example: The poem begins about hearing what others cannot, yet in the middle, there are descriptions of the room the narrator is in and how he yawns without really tying it in. I had to read it over a few times, because it just threw me off. Quite a few improvements need to be made, but this poem definitely has the makings of a great one.
Title:
The title works well except for the fact that you have a conventional error in it. "Other's" is a contraction of "Other is" which I've never seen used. I believe you mean to use "Others" without the apostrophe. Otherwise, nice introduction.
Flow:
The flow of the poem is generally weak. The poem starts off very strong and ends well, but somewhere in the middle, it wobbles on. You might want to try keeping syllabic count and meter to help the poem flow better. Frequently, flow is interrupted when lines end on an off note or are much longer or shorter than the previous line. The only exceptions to this are for dramatic effect or following a certain form. You definitely have room for improvement here.
Mood/Tone:
You create a nice suspenseful and almost ominous tone at first, but then I got lost around the 6th stanza and onward when you start talking about yawns and pillows. You might want to tighten up the descriptions and lines to provide a consistent atmosphere. You did a nice job closing up the mood though. Well done!
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
Yeah, yeah, I know it's a poem and you have poetic license, but rules still do apply.
1. I once walked among these people ("These" usually refers to a group of objects that you previously named. Since this is actually the first line of the poem, I would recommend omitting "these". The line works fine without it)
2. Who's minds are slow and bleak ("Who's" is a contraction of "who is". I don't believe that's what you meant. "Whose" would be the correct word choice here.)
3. On the cieling and on the floor (Ceiling is misspelled)
I gave a 3 (average) for Flow and Mood for reasons stated above.
I gave a 3 for Diction because the diction utilized in the poem did not display any great range of vocabulary. There were no unusual word choices or word play.
I gave a 3.5 for Imagery because the descriptions were slightly above average. I did enjoy some of the details in the poem, but they can still definitely be improved.
I gave a 3 for Organization because the poem lacks well defined direction and meaning. In the middle of the poem, the plot seems to veer off track slightly, adding new information without really tying it in. You really do well in the beginning and end, but you need to tie them together.
I gave a 3 for Presentation because of the conventional errors in the poem and the title.
Great effort though! Revising is half the part of writing. I hope to see more of your work!
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My Overall Impression:
I love the simplicity of the poem. It really works well in creating a sweet and happy atmosphere. However, there is some things that can be improved, which I'll go over below. Otherwise, great job!
Title:
The title works well as an introduction to the poem, but it can still be improved. You can definitely choose something more original and creative, that still provides a great introduction. Maybe "Unlocked" or something similar.
Flow:
The poem flows well, despite lacking defined structure and meter. Nevertheless, it can still be improved by being aware of the syllabic count and having a patterned structure.
Rhyme:
The rhymes generally work well. My only complaint is that some of the poem is slightly repetitive, perhaps because of the rhyming. What I mean is that the third, eighth, and 10th line are basically repeats of each other. Maybe you could rewrite one or two of them using different sentence structure and diction, but they can still mean the same thing.
Mood/Tone:
Nice job with creating and maintaining a gentle and loving tone. Maybe it could be slightly improved if there was a little bit more detail, imagery, or metaphors.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
I didn't really understand your use of underscores after the first line of each stanza. Were they meant to be hyphens? Otherwise, you might want to consider revising or just explaining them a little so the reader understands. I also have a suggestion below.
1. To what it opened up (I really think the "to" is unnecessary and slightly confusing. The line flows perfectly well without it.)
2. As a general point, ellipses are conventionally three dots, not four. Just wanted to point that out.
I deducted a point from Flow for reasons stated above.
I gave a 3 for Diction because the vocabulary utilized in the poem was average. It did not demonstrate special word choice or unusual word play.
I gave a 3 for Imagery because imagery was average as well. It wasn't that the descriptions were average, rather it was the lack of description. Much of the poem is very skimpy on details and descriptions. I think it would be so much more effective with a little bit more detail.
I deducted a point from Mood because of reasons stated above.
I deducted a point from Organization because the poem wasn't organized in the best way possible. It can still be improved, namely revising some of the more repetitive lines.
I deducted a point from Presentation because of the underscored and ellipses. I feel they present the poem in a slightly confusing manner that would be improved if they were revised.
Overall, well done!
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