Review: Ch 1 The Dream, by Sierra
Hi,
Before I start reviewing the usual cautions: I am still relatively new at writing and reviewing, and unpublished. So bear in mind that while my comments are helpfully meant, they are in the end only suggestions for your consideration. Feel free to ignore them as you wish –the author normally knows best.
How I review-I first read the text and comment as I read line by line, and once I’ve read the whole I write down my general impression on the categories plot, character etc. under general comments.
So here goes:
GENERAL COMMENTS
Title: The Dream
Chapter: 1
Author: Sierra
Plot: You succeed well to establish the plot right away with this first chapter. War is looming and a prophesy of the seer Elizabeth tells of a woman. Now Alex, a vampire, has had a dream about her. He sends for his grandson Damien and tells him to find the dwarf Doc to locate this woman, of whom, luckily, the evil Andreas is as yet unaware. Once Damien has found her, Alex' faline wife Anita will train her in witchcraft. There's only one snag--Anita reveals her powers are weakening.
Referencing: The references established clearly that this is a fantasy world (vampires, witches, dwarves, the place names) with fairly modern technology (phone, microwave)
Style & Voice:
Your style is appropriate for your genre, the use of abbreviations and contractions in directly reported speech (I'm, it's etc.) underlines the modernity. The writing flows and is easy and pleasant to read. It is pretty 'clean', has clearly been revised and edited carefully.
There was one recurrent mistake though: Only speech tags that are synonyms of "say" take a comma, Example: "...If Andreas gets to her first we may be doomedcomma” Alex stated grimly. Otherwise the sentence ends, because you can only say/speak words. Example: “Grandfatherexclamation mark” Damien cleared his throat.
Overall, I had only few comments or suggestion, see below
Setting: I liked the setting with its strange birds and flowers, and you used not only sight but also sound (bird song) and smell (coffee, rain) to good effect
Characterization: The characters and their (to us) alien features were well introduced. Exceptionally good the gorgeous woman's appearance in the visionary dream. A question mark remained for me regarding what age Damien appears to be, boy or man? And is he the grandson of Alex or was he a vampire fledgling who's been adopted by the couple?
Grammar: no problems that I could see (but it’s admittedly not one of my strengths)
Just My Personal Opinion: A good first chapter. I'm guessing there will now follow Damien's quest to find this woman, letting us experience some areas of your world. I'm looking forward to reading more of your novel.
Keep on writing!
Love
Nok
IN-LINE REVIEW
CHAPTER 1 THE DREAM
After eighty years of? the war of Montula, residents of the land knew the newly forged? peace would not last forever. All had heard of the prophecy whether from Elizabeth herself at the ball or from their parents and grandparents. It was apparent another war was coming in time. For now however everybody was happy.
In the small village of Elmgate, Spraymints, magnificent birds of blue and orange, stretched their wings inviting the morning sun. A lone crainhorn sang a song of eternal bliss. Smoke could be seen as it billowed from red-brick chimneys of a hundred and fifty log cabins. Ranchester bushes held magnificent blooms of all colors. A noak tree stood in front of the cabin at 4255 Maple Avenue. Its gigantic limbs hung over the driveway as if it stood guard of over the home.
Inside the cabin Alex lay next to his wife of a hundred years. “Anita my darling.” He laid a hand on her shoulder.
“What is it honey?” Anita switched on the bedside lamp. Due to a chill in the morning air she pulled their floral down comforter over her chest.
“We are going to need some coffee. We’ve a long day ahead of us.” His voice sounded rough with sleep.
“Yes dear.” Anita threw on her purple cotton robe and headed for the kitchen.
Alex dialed the phone on his night stand. He knew what had to happen know now, the only problem was he didn’t know how to tell everyone else. After the vision he just had everyone feels repetitive had to be put on full alert. Andreas would be back soon, and a lot needed to be done in preparation for what was to come.
“Hello,” a sleepy voice answered.
“Damien, it’s your grandfather, I need you to come over right away. We have an important matter to discuss.” Alex stood and stretched the sleep out of his muscles.
“Grandfather,exclamation mark” Damien cleared his throat. “What time is it?”
“It’s five o’clock in the morning; I want you here in no more than twenty minutes. I wouldn’t ask this of you if I had any other choice, however I need you now.” He hung up.
Alex stood in the doorway of their kitchen and watched as his wife made coffee. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. Her once long blonde hair had turned silver over the years, her smooth pale skin was now wrinkled with age. The only thing about her looks that hadn’t changed was her mint-green eyes. They still made his legs turn to jelly when she looked at him. Age had not taken away from her beauty, it just increased the love he felt for his witch.
“Alex, what are you staring at?” Anita gave him a shy grin. It amazed her that just a look could still make her giddy as a school girl.
“I’m just watching the sexiest, most stunning faline that ever existed.” He wrapped his arms around her thin frame.
“Oh, Alex.” Her blush went to the bone literally?. “You always know just what to say.”
“Please, prepare a place for Damien; he shall be joining us in about ten minutes.” He released her, and sat at the oval table. He dreaded the look on her face when he told them the news about Andreas and his followers.
superfluous empty line here in my view?
“Damien? He never gets out of bed before seven in the morning. What’s going on Alex?” Her angelic voice held a hint of concern.
“I’ll tell you everything after Damien arrives. I’d rather explain it to both of you at once. Trust me, it won’t be long.” Alex kissed his wife. “After I enlighten you as to what’s going on, I need to call the rest of the Watchers, and have everyone put on full alert.”
“This has to do with Elizabeth doesn’t it?” Anita looked up at her husband, his face wrinkled with age, eyes gray and full of knowledge. He was six foot three, a little tall for 170 years old, but normal for a vampire. His ghostly do you mean ghostly white? skin still held a sparkle in the light. She wrapped her arms around her vampires’ vampire's neck, and pulled his mouth to hers for deeper a deep kiss. It was obvious she had guessed right. They heard a knock at the back door.
“That must be Damien,” Anita said pulling herself from the whirlwind of thoughts the kiss had brought her.
“Good morning,period” Damien‘s tall muscular frame entered the kitchen. “How are you this morning, Grandmother?” He kissed her cheek.
Anita watched as her grandson made his way to the kitchen table. Still as handsome as ever, long black hair pulled into a neat little ponytail at the nape of his neck. The dimples when he smiled made him look angelic and innocent. His eyes were ice blue, his skin held the same ethereal sparkle as his grandfatherapostrophes. ‘Someday this man is going to catch the eye of a worthy woman,’ she thought to herself.
“I’m fine sweetie, please sit down. The coffee is almost ready, I have breakfast started. Would you like some?” She gave a quick smile and turned toward the stove.
“That’s what smells so good. Of course, I would love some of your home cooked breakfast. Microwaves can’t cook the way you can.” His deep laugh echoed through the house, as he pulled out the chair across from his grandfather. “What is so urgent Grandfather?”
“I am sorry to have troubled you so early. Alas, time is of the essence.” His tone was serious.
“I have many talents, however mind reading is not one of them, semi-colon, hyphen or period tell me what could have you so upset.” Damien knew his grandfather well. He also knew that Alex wouldn’t disturb anyone without good reason.
“Alex, we have been patient long enough.” Anita placed the coffee tray on the oak table. “Why don’t you tell us what happenedquestion mark.”
“Last night I had a dream,period” Alex put his hands together as if in prayer. “The dream started off in the middle of Witch Lake, I was flying over the green-blue water headed for a brilliant white house. It had a wrap-around porch, and on that porch sat a luxurious woman with hair the color of fire. Her eyes looked like emeralds shining in the sunlight, her skin;no semi-colon here pale as a ghost. As I came upon her the scene changed, from her sitting there alone, to her being in the middle of a forest filled with enormous red-green leaves from the Blogg Bone trees. Surrounded by werewolves, goblins, and demons, her entire being was lit up with the violet rays of her power. As I woke I heard her speak,” he ended solemnly.
“So what does it mean?” Damien was not around when Elizabeth the great seer had foretold of this moment.
“It means my dear grandson that the time of the prophecy is upon us. It also means that I have to ask you to take on a very difficult and dangerous task.” Alex stood with coffee in hand.
“Why? Why must it be Damien,question mark” Anita turned with a look of terror in her eyes. She gripped her pink apron in an effort to stop the faint crystal-blue light of power from getting brighter.
“Because my sweet Anita, as I woke I heard this woman call out to Damien Duates. Is it not a sign, that he should be the one to find her?” He smiled at his wife.
"I owe my life to both of you, so I shall do as you ask. Where can I find her?" Damien couldn't help the memories that flooded his mind. The strange man who attacked him and left him for dead, Alex finding him lost and alone in the forest, only to bring him back to this wonderful cabin and help him with the transformation. It was a long and painful process, but with the assistance of these two exceptional people he was able to make it through without taking any innocent lives.
“I know I was on Witch Lake in my dream, for that reason I would assume she lives in Serenity. It’s a small town discovered by a dwarf named Doc. Find him and ask if he knows of any woman that fits the description I gave you.” Alex gave Damien’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “I know I haven‘t given you much to go on, but I‘ve complete confidence you will succeed.”
“I’ll do everything in my power to find her, but how will I know when I have?"
“The feeling of truth will hit you like a ton of bricks. You will have a strange need to protect the woman. She is the faline whom the prophecy speaks of. If Andreas gets to her first we may be doomed.comma” Alex stated grimly. “So far we are in luck; he and his followers know nothing of the girl.”
Anita watched the two men in her life as she set the table for breakfast. She knew Alex would want her to train the woman in witchcraft, but her powers were weakening. She would do everything she needed to do, however she would have to tell these two men what was going to happen before it was too late. She crossed over to the kitchen window.
“Alex dear,” She opened the window only to have a gentle breeze make the delicate lace curtains dance in the window. “Am I right to assume that you want me to train this woman?” The smell of rain drifted in, a storm had started to develop in the west.
“I wouldn’t ask anyone else. You are the best faline I know.” He beamed a brilliant white smile at her, only to realize she was preoccupied with a thought of her own.
“I need to tell you both something important.” She watched as the storm came closer, unable to look at them as she continued. “We have another issue at hand. I wanted to wait a while longer before I told you, but…” she stopped herself. “My powers are weakening.” A single tear ran down her cheek as the rain began to fall. lovely last sentence |
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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