This is a catchy little poem. You did a very good job at the rhyming. I liked the cute-ness of the monster, lol. He seemed like one of my kids when they were younger:P
I did notice some spelling errors, so you might want to put it in the word processor and spell check. I know I have terrible spelling and that always helps, if I rememeber to do it:)
I like his a lot. I think the only areas that I noticed that could perhaps be changed to make it better is where you use th words bite twice: monsters and sharks. perhaps the monster could do some other action???
also it sort of changes up to you speaking to your child to speaking to the reader. If you kept it all speaking to your daughter, it would be great. I loved the words you spoke to your child.
It is very sweet that you wrote this letter for your daughter. It seems at this time Claire was really hitting hard on your mind. I am sure you don't mean she is bad. I took that as a comical statement at first. I am not sure what your family was going through when you wrote this but hope all worked out in the end.
I know my own children have made some really bad choices and act badly.....*shakes head*. My oldest grew out of it..waiting a couple more years for my youngest to straighten out. she is a teen after all:) they are all naughty and 'bad':P
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This could have been a true story. I felt that way as I read it up to the ending and then I thought this is just too good to be true.
The first part of the story was sad. I felt the father's pain, both with his wife's death and his lack of connection with his child.
I think people are asking you to expand because it is so well told and we want to hear more. this really could be exapnded to tell a longer story. Perhaps, it is a great enough storyline that it could be a book. I understand why you do not want to touch the piece however and good job on your award for writing it:)
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: The poem is haunting.
Suggestions: I have no real suggestions as I feel this piece flowed well and touched me as a reader. Only thing is sudden-ness, is one word...at least when I checked.
What I Iiked Most: the forth stanza is absolutely my favorite:)
Summary: The title fit your words well. It was haunting! write on:) thank you for sharing.
This could have been a true story. I felt that way as I read it up to the ending and then I thought this is just too good to be true.
The first part of the story was sad. I felt the father's pain, both with his wife's death and his lack of connection with his child.
I think people are asking you to expand because it is so well told and we want to hear more. this really could be exapnded to tell a longer story. Perhaps, it is a great enough storyline that it could be a book. I understand why you do not want to touch the piece however and good job on your award for writing it:)
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: The poem is haunting.
Suggestions: I have no real suggestions as I feel this piece flowed well and touched me as a reader. Only thing is sudden-ness, is one word...at least when I checked.
What I Iiked Most: the forth stanza is absolutely my favorite:)
Summary: The title fit your words well. It was haunting! write on:) thank you for sharing.
I like the imagery. I can see the witches sitting around in their lil hut brewing their 'magic'.
I am not a professional editor or even writer. but there was a part that confused me.
Then they each rattle out fiery burps,
And the heat from it makes the cauldron blister.
what makes the cauldron blister? their burps? lol....I think that is what you meant and I need more coffee. reading it set apart makes more sense to me now.
I also think the part about the dog...well, I am not sure what flames he is chasing. his own? he is made of flames so is it his tail he is chasing? The word flame is used a lot.
I think you could have a career on your hands writing for children with such wild imagination:)
I am new to the site and am not a professional editor or even writer, so please take my review for what it is...my own humble opinion.
I loved the message! You may be different but you are special. I would have liked to see more of the ridcule that Percy felt. It was quite horrible to think of everyone flapping their wings at him. But in real life, kids go through so much more for being different. (just my opinion).
I do love the ending where he is accepted. perhaps there could be a message about how being different can be a good thing???
Overall, this is a cute and well thought out story. I like how you worded it. I can see it, if expanded, to be a good movie:) but not Disney please:P
Hi, I am new here so please take my review as one who has not been around enough to learn everything there is to know about reviewing. I tend to read and tell a person how I feel after reading their piece, rather then look to 'the rules'. I know little of all the rules there are, so you are getting just my thoughts.
I really felt this piece could fit anyone. i didn't notice if you were male on your profile or not. But like I said, it could fit a lot of different senarios. I think it could be a man and his love, a woman and her child. I felt the love, the stirring in my heart. i sppreciate the words you wrote. they touched a cord with me....
I read these words and felt so sad. they are a little haunting. I could feel the writer's pain.
the only thing that really stood out to me, as I tend to read words more then try and correct spelling/grammer usually...but in the second to last line there is an error.
have you considered breaking it up into three stanzas? I think it would read and look better, but that is just my opinion. I am not in any means a professional. I am just beginning to learn the writing world, although I have written forever:p
I like these word a lot. At first I was confused until I started counting syllables, lol. A very scary little haiku. It says a lot in a couple words. I will be visiting a couple more of your posts. I am hoping to find them all this well written. This was a great read, a short one, but great:)
I am glad to have joined this site. so much for me to learn and so many to learn from.
Your poem was very sad. I am unsure what you were feeling when you wrote this, but you seemed lost. I hope that feeling faded.
I think some places caused me to pause and seemed 'sticky'. I think this poem has great bones and if you reread it and perhaps make a couple changes, it could be a great piece.
please remember I am not a professional editor or even writer, so my word are only my humble opinion.
I really liked this piece. at first glance you think it is just lines stating what you are tired of. Even though that may be true, it was written with flow. I especially enjoyed that the rant seemed to somehow be 'placed togehtr' with some care.
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First happy anniversary!
I like the words a lot. In some places they seem to stick and also some words could be ommited IMO. I amnot a professional but am just offering my opinion and trying to help the best I can. Please understand my words are not to be hurtful.
first, maybe break this down into stanzas (I think that is what they are called...see, I know so little)
there seems to be places where if you have someone read it to you (believe me that helps see where my work sticks) you can see where some words are tricky.
overall, great words. just a bit editing needed. again, just my opinion. write on!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
The poem is of sadness and perhaps a little madness.
Suggestions:
I like a lot of the lines, but some of them didn't seem to fit (to me). In the first stanza, the mon is showing? is there a window there because you mention closed in walls. or perhaps you are feeling a different sort of walls closing in. it left me just a little confused.
the verses seem to contradict at times. I think if you edited a little more and didn't worry so much about rhyming (again my very humble opinion) it would turn out to be a great piece.
What I Iiked Most: "Like a nightmare coming alive
The pain and fear collide" Love it!
Summary: I think you show great talent and hope that you will work on this piece as it can be wonderful if just edited a bit.
How mneat it must be for you to look back on your first post and see where you have grown. Thank you for sharing this with us...me for the first time.
I like your style of writing, both poetry and essay form:)
My father always had older cars. he took such care of them that you thought you were riding in a limo. My favorite was the lincoln (year??1969?) with suicide doors. When i pulled up to my very snooty catholic school in that car, people stared. They always thought we had more money then we really did for the care that was taken with all our items, especially anything belonging solely to my father was perfectly maintained.
thank you for sharing this story. it brought back some memories for me as well.
and I know people who have little in their homes or apartments that drive cars that could buy a house, paid in full if they just downgraded those wheels:P
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