This story was cute but a little confusing as a read. I had to scroll up at times to make sure if it was Tom or Sue speaking. I am not sure if you needed to use all dialog for a contest, but if not, perhaps a little revising would make sure that we knew who was talking and add to the story.
This is just my opinion and really a humble one at that. I am not a prfessional editor, nor profession writer.
this makes perfect sense to me. I think i will use this same way of thinking when rating. I wish we had a universal way of rating here, but we have to factor in personal tastes, so one can not take all our received (or given) ratings as meaning our work is one way or another as far as stars (or grading) goes.
great post.
btw...your letters in your grading system are spaced wrong in some areas. I think the tab was meant to be the same as all others???
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: A sorrow filled poem of someone who feels all alone.
Suggestions: In the line:For I do not belong. I would take the word 'for' out. it doesn't read right for me in the first verse (IMO) and would stand alone without the 'for'
check capitalization.
I would work on the ending. it started about YOUR pain and ended a little awkward with his/her pain and you comforting him/her. It confused me a bit.
What I Iiked Most: the potential of this poem to become a great one! the bones are all there.
Summary: I feel with editing and some revision, we will have a work of true art:)
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to give you my opinion, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression: This poem tells what it feels to suffer the loss of a great love. It explained what the reader felt at the time and I am sure many could relate.
Suggestions: In some places you have some errors
I suddenly become cold and tears burn my lids. (bacame/ burned) keeping it in tune with past tense...
I listened to the beats of silence until my ears feel clogged. (felt?)
I felt lost, I felt behind. (left behind?)
What I Iiked Most:The imagery was great.you can feel the author's pain( i didn't like the author's pain but the fact that I could feel it while reading)
Summary: I would revise it a little and keep in the mlment but the piece has great potential.
I loved the imagery from start of his cry of help, to then realizing it was aparty and then grandma's feelings:P
I do not know that all would appreciate this kind of homor but I do. I find humor healing (although this work is fiction), especially in what would normally be considered sad or terrible circumstances.
OMG! This scene made me almost cry. I am so sorry that you experienced something like this. I do not feel like commenting on the poem except to say it is very well written.
I want to wish you much love and tell you i appreciate the painful experience this must have been for you.
This is again, beautiful. I am amazed by your talent. It is a little daunting reading other's work at times. I feel i will never messure up or learn all there is to learn. but then i think, some of the best authors started somewhere and there seems to be no better place to learn then here among talent authors and challenges daily.
I am confused still what a verse and a stanza is...*feels silly* but I think it is the fourth verse that is my favorite. great imagrey!!!
I am learning more and more daily about the different styles and kinds of poetry out there. I appreciate reading authors who teach me something new. I am still so new to writing, even though I have been writing all my life it seems.
I think the flow of this piece is nice. It is a bit sad....especially at the end. It reminds me of my own father. we do not have enough pictures of us.....((sad))
awesome images. I just recently realized what c-notes were. I love the idea of sending something like this to someone, so easily (for me, not the artist).
I especially love the friendship forever, god bless, congratulations and have a nice day. It is hard (I think) to put a image of a person in there and make it beautiful. at least my taste usually doesn't include people or faces as far as preference. but you did such an excellent job, i love those with these 'people' in them.
LOL! I just noticed after reading what seemed to be a familiar story I have rated this before. It must have been long ago because I have no idea of exactly what was said. I just know that i gave it five stars and know why I felt it deserved it.
The imagery is excellent and the story is sweet, compelling and complete. The words used are complex and well used.
I was drawn in to the child's fear, felt it and then was so happy to know it was mom:)
Please take my review as just my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor writer.
I loved the title and the last line. it was my favorite part. The story is a sad one (to me). I read it as being more in love with another then they are with you, at least in the end. In the beginning they found interest in newness.
I do wish it was longer. It seemed as soon as I begun to read what could have been a very complex poem, it ended:( but great start and wonderful ending!
I write to tell a story of what has happened to me, what i have felt at the time, but mostly for a form of release of all the pain.
I am not a depressing person (I do not think) in 3D world I think because i let go off those sad, frightening, or depressing feelings when I write.
I could also write for the other reasons you suggested and do at times. escape is always fun, and money would be nice. lol
this port raid is brought to by The Angel Review Forum.
You were so young to write such a complex and interesting story. Now that twilight is such a hit (I dont like it, btw..lol) vampire stories are all over the place. that you wrote this piece before everyone started to tell the same story adds to your rating.
my suggestion is that you post the chapters in seperate posts. It is a really long read and my thoughts and my 3d life really stopped me from being able to sit and read it as I would have liked. chapter by chapter breaks it up for the WDC reader and encourages more reviews IMO.
I liked at the end where you really left it open for another book to be writen if you chose:)
Wow! what a spectacular group:) How many good deads you do and how loveingly you do it. I would love to be a small part of this wonderful movement. Love can only spread and when one good deed is done for another, it seems to effect more then just one person....it travels:)
Looking through all the activities, I hope that if i join, I will be able to make some difference to someone....even if it is just to brighten their day or encourage them to continue on writing or even just smiling.
I like the poem a lot..but I want to show you some errors first so you can fix them and the poem can be even better:)
"you gorgeous biology" should be YOUR gorgeous biology
hottness is mispelled.
some of the lines run to long and I think if you have someone read this outloud to you, you would see where it kind of catches and could fix it. I try and have my boyfriend read my work out loud so i can hear how it sounds to him, because I always think my words sound perfect because I have the same kind of 'tune' playing in my head when I am writing. that doesn't always man others will read it the same way.
that being said..I loved the poem. it had a great message and was funny and clever:)
This is a catchy little poem. You did a very good job at the rhyming. I liked the cute-ness of the monster, lol. He seemed like one of my kids when they were younger:P
I did notice some spelling errors, so you might want to put it in the word processor and spell check. I know I have terrible spelling and that always helps, if I rememeber to do it:)
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