This is a simple, but fun poem to read. The characters are easy to identify with and the lines are quick and fun.
My favorite part of this poem is the ending. It leaves the reader with a sense of loss; devastation; and sadness. "If he ever leaves me, where would I be?
Alone with no friends - no Jack, just me."
I wonder if you won the contest for which this poem was written.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
I found this short synopsis a small snippet from a much broader picture; just one jigsaw piece in a huge puzzle. Your characters and the dialogue are both believable and fitting.
I found one literary mishap. In the final line, the word 'of' just before 'men' should be deleted.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
This is a funny tale, cleverly written in a way that keeps the reader interested and wanting more.
Your characters, bizarre as they may seem, are still believable and full of fun.
The ending is fitting and ties the plot up into a neat little package. Bravo!
I especially liked the mispronunciations of the illnesses in question, and the misunderstandings that take place one after the other throughout the story.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
I found the personification of Grief very well handled. This story is well-written; easy to understand and to identify with.
I kept wondering, though, what "not compatible with life' means. Other unanswered questions include: Who is the son? how old is he? What's wrong with him? How can someone not be compatible with life?
Very expressive and full of human frailty, I especially liked the following excerpts: Gravity was suddenly pushing her toward the core of the Earth. With each step, she became heavier and heavier, the result of a sinking feeling in her chest. Gasping for each breath, she finally reached the bathroom door.
and
With the ceiling caving in and the floor falling out, there was nowhere else to turn.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
I liked the way you ended the poem with the same lines that started it. They tied everything together into a nice, neat little package. These are my favorite lines:
My son Mordred takes after his father,
Whoever knew darkness could come from Arthur.
As for the literary part of this piece, the eighth line, which is the final line in the second stanza, throws the rhythm off a bit: "And I know just how to rip it apart." It has too many syllables to keep the flow running smoothly. SUGGESTION: and just how to rip it apart. Coupled with the line above it, the two would read like this:
I know the way to a man’s heart
and just how to rip it apart
Also, in the last line of the third stanza, there aren't enough syllables: "Just as she broke my heart." SUGGESTION: in the same way she broke my heart
All-in-all II found this poem a joy to read, albeit the topic is anything but cheery! lol !!
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
The title of this poem is apropos and intriguing. It was enough to draw me in; to provoke my curiosity enough to encourage my desire to read it.
The imagery is vivid and alive! I love the following lines with the apology at the end:
hunched over in the tan sweater I knitted
with leather patching on the elbows,
reaching almost to your knees.
I never could follow a pattern well.
The sadness felt after the death of the loved one is sudden and strong. I had to draw a breath, it was so unexpected as it followed so many uplifting stanzas of life and joy.
All-n-all, it was a pleasure reading this poem. It certainly deserves the blue ribbon it was rewarded and a spot in the 2012 WDC Anthology.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
I not only like the topic of this poem, but the way it's presented as well. You bring up some important points on thoughtfulness and the value placed, not only on a relationship, but on a gift that symbolizes the love and affection which contributes to that relationship.
You followed the guidelines of the Etheree poetry form to the "T". Good job!
This poem has the ability to take your reader's hand and lead her or him to the water's edge where the seagulls holler and the whitecaps come crashing to one's feet. It's all so appealing I have to wonder what the wind felt like, and how it sounded. What did dawn's breeze smell like? Was it full of the scent of dead fish littering the shoreline, or was it full of sizzling sea and brine?
All-in-all, I enjoyed this poem. It brought back memories of the Main Beach in Yeppoon where the dolphins swim close to shore at feeding time.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
This poem carries a very important message. It's too bad it wasn't included in Adam and Eve's library. Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have been tricked so easily.
All-in-all, I found this poem very enlightening and I didn't find any errors.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
The rhyme scheme in this otherwise prose-like piece makes this piece a work of art. At times I felt as though I were reading a story, forgetting that it was an actual poem. Is this an example of a certain poetry form? If so, it was expertly executed. Well done! I even enjoyed the way you had to split up your sentences in order to keep the flow of the rhyme scheme intact.
Although this poem deserves a high rating, I was a little disappointed in the final stanza. I think it may have been written to provide a more powerful punch in the final line.
SUGGESTION:
In the enemy camp it's much the same. Generals plot, soldiers pray
the same urgent prayers we, ourselves, implore
as each man sits silently, sharpening his sword,
asking for strength to survive this war.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
How clever the way you wove the final six lines throughout the previous stanzas! They are, truly, what make the poem! Is this a particular type of poetry form?
I enjoyed the images that your descriptions created in my mind: growing, floating, pointing, dancing, spinning, laughing. I can so easily see the beach, the colors, the full moon.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
This is a precious poem filled with heartache, hope, and colors of all sorts. From henna-gold hair and emerald eyes, to a pink pony, and even a rainbow!
Lots of imagery help to keep the poem alive! I especially enjoyed "Our Irish lassie was poised too close to a spiritual realm where angels fly."
The final lines are not only a fitting ending, but a very profound one as well:
I can not follow you there now,
but angels will mother you,
rock you to sleep until I come home.
If this is a poem written from experience, I pray for strength and courage in the name of Jesus. Amen.
This poem starts and ends like a package that's been filled with goodies and then wrapped up tightly with ribbon, which I found very appealing.
I enjoyed the mist-cloaked clearing, the cries in the night, the candle flames and the Emerald robes rustling. I could see the dark forest surrounding the circle and I could feel the winds and the wishes they carried.
As a suggestion, I'd like to say after the word 'her', in the following line, the word 'ears' should be inserted: are music to her. (It just doesn't sound complete as is).
The 'ing' word at the end of line seven would pack a greater punch if "piercing' were replaced with 'pierce'
All-in-all, this poem is well-written; well-constructed, and a real joy to read! If I had been given the opportunity to rate it, I would have given it the highest one possible.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
I found a poem that was written as a prayer about The Fourth of July very creative and imaginative. I enjoyed the blossoming sky erupting with color as though flowers were not only exploding, but growing in the sky.
Since the rhythm is often sporadic, you may want to shorten a few of the lines to balance off the rhythm.
In the following lines, the word 'is' should be replaced with the word 'are', or replace the word 'fires' with 'fire'. (Also, the word 'the' should be eliminated).
When the freedom’s fires
Is spreading across the Earth.
All-in-all I found this poem colorful and full of zest.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
The point of this poem is very clear; you have a way of hitting the nail on the head and revealing information to your readers very easily and effortlessly.
The rhythm is interrupted throughout due to the irregularities of the lines which also throws off the rhyme scheme. You may want to shorten a few of the lines which would balance off the rhythm.
I found just one error which occurs in the final line. The first two words are repeated: "As much as much as I have given and shared"
All-in-all, this poem hits the reader in the heart; I feel for your situation. It's a heartache when you give so much and receive so little in return. I hope you can make amends with your neighbor somehow in the near future.
Please keep writing so I, and others like myself, can continue to enjoy your work!
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