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Review of RETIRED=MENT  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for calling this to my attention. A very well done piece of genuinely funny poetry. (An that is hard to do.)

Well, I guess, being me, I still have to make some suggestions.

Verse three "lose" not "loose."

Verse five would scan better as "When we sometimes get mixed up and call the wrong name."

I do like the ending reference to God. It is all in His hands anyway.

If you like you might look at a couple of mine on the topic. They are sonnets and rather serious. I'll have to step back and take a humorous look. #1357683 and #14345898

Wade (Terja)


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yes, this is an interesting structure. I've played around with it, but never had anything I thought good enough to post.

I like the scope you reach in this. The universe and the speaker of the poem are almost one.

Just a couple suggestions:

First - in the third verse the "Arms wide open; I;m hopeful, out of breath." is both awkward and weak. (weak in regard to the rest off the poem.) I think it;s the "out of breath" that is the problem. Nothing in the poem is suggests any action that could make you out of breath.

Second - The use of the word "beyond" is questionable. Maybe the word "pass" is more fitting.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)
I seem to find myself reviewing a story about a woman who talks to cockroaches. Who would have thought it. Not only that, it's not really a bad story. Maybe a little silly, but that could be the goal.

At any rate, I do have a couple of suggestions to make so the piece stronger.

First, your start is rather wordy. You are reaching to use a lot of description, but since the robe and slippers never come into the main story there is little reason to include them.

Second - In the fourth paragraph a word is missing. "In THE sudden assault---"

Third - I don't think you could see intelligence in the eyes of a cockroach from across the room. (What am i saying? If you can talk to the little beggar you can see his eyes.)

An intersting idea for a short story. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)

Very nice. It makes me think of the play "A Violin Sings, A Fiddle Dances." You seem to hit many of the "earth" music sounds. I could wish you had included more of the man made since they to can upiift. Still, that was not your goal so there is no real reason to look for something you didn't include.

A couple minor things.

Be careful how you word things. Near the end you say to "stand in awe" "Weep at its feet" and 'Dance forever." It's hard to do those things together

In the last line maybe a stronger ending might be "carries you soaring to sunny skies."

I liked this. Keep writing.

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Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Quite a detailed dream. My own father died in 1973 at age 63 of lung cancer. I walked out of the hospital and lit a cigarette. I stood there a minute smoking and then thought to myself, "How dumb can you be? What do you think killed your father? I tossed the cigarette away and havn;t had one since.

My mother lived another 23 years. She never remarried.

I am now older than my father, yet I can, at times, still hear his voice. Especially when I am using his tools. "Clean that saw before you put it away." etc.

Your dream is moving an I h ope cathartic. I'll give it a rating and not comment on anything about it. A person's dreams don;tr need editing.

Keep writing.


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Review of Cats  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cats are all attitude. If they could talk I expect they would say things like "I'll get back to you on that." and "I don't see the problem here."

Your cinquain follows the rules of cinquaindom, so I have no faults to find there.

I guess if i have to make a suggestion I'd say, "Use "avoiding" rather than "eluding" The back to back words with the hard "u" seem a bit awkward.

Keep writing. I do like this BTW.


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Review of I Wonder  
Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I almost didn't review this. It ripped up memories I had thought long put to rest. I do not thank you for that. I had a student who tried for three days to get me to find time to talk to him after school. I was coaching wrestling at the time and I just didn't have a minute to give him. He deliberately stepped in front of a train. I almost quit teaching.

No, it's not fair to put my guilt on you, I'm leaving what I wrote, but I hope to cover it with a positive. First, you are NOT responsible for another person's action. Get that through your head and all the rest is easy. A person is responsible for his own choices in life, and sadly not everyone make good choices.

My initial reaction was visceral. I'd thought those memories long gone. It hit me hard, and I should ahve waited ten minutes or so before starting this. I'm leaving it to show that it does get easier as time passes.

Two truths Time heals all wounds, and Time wounds all heels.

Suggestions for your poem? Just a couple.

First - you claim aa full dance card in the beginning then wonder if you should have danced again at the end. Intentional paradox?

Second - technically the chamber spins, not the bullets.

Stay well and keep writing.




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Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Intersting. This raises a lot of questions which a second chapter might start answering. Charlotte is an intriguing character. I'm guessing she can;t be much older than 17 or 18 but she thinks the crews will accept her. Why should they?

But then this is a girl of whom you write she was sent back to England to receive a formal education yet who, after almost four years, carries "a small bag that held her personal items (things that belonged to her mother, a few knives, the usual." Knives are part of the usual in a formal education?

For that matter you write that her father had such an education yet you have him talking like a south London thug. Opps, disregard that, I see where you sadi he was talking in his best pirate voice.

I guess the main problem I see is the one I mentioned first. Why would the crew let her take over?

There is a minor problem with your use of the word "privateer" since by international law that was a very set kind of position. A nation would issue
Letters of Mark giving private citizens the right to outfit and equip a ship to attack the trading vessels of a nation they were at war with. What her father was doing was flat out piracy, no matter how good the cause.

Well, that's all I;ve got. Ignore it as you wish, it really was more a reply than a review anyway. Keep writing.


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Review of The Voice  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (3.5)
Some years ago I wrote a similar poem titled "My Father's Voice." I'll have to find it, clean it up, and post it.

You did several things very well in your poem. You even wrote in rhymed couplets, which is not really easy in English, which is a rhyme poor language. You do need to take a look at your meter however. I always read a poem aloud before reviewing it or posting it, and yours reads a little choppy. Simply put, meter is the number of syllables in a line. Yours has anywhere from 8 to 12 syllables a line. See if you can find a way to either use the same number in each line, or have a pattern which repeats.

A few content and mechanical things to look at.

First, it could use some punctuation. That is a tool the author uses to guide the reader. Why deprive yourself of it?

Line eight. Voices don't really point, they guide.

Line 10 "saw" not "seen."

Line twelve would be smoother as "times of strife" rather than "pain and strife."

Line 14 "It told" is better than "It was telling."

Line 16 "saw" not "seen."

Well, you have my two cents worth. Ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.



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Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ah yes, the lost love. The thoughts of what might have been. What might have been if only----.

You have framed the old story very well. There is no problem getting the picture. Fame has a cost, and only some are willing to pay. As presented here I suspect the getting home late, drunk, and with lipstick or makeup on his clothes was the prime cause of the break. As I said. there is a cost.

Using a country song to highlight the situation is a good devise. I tried a couple of standard country back-riffs and couldn't find one that fit. Even so, it helps the reader keep his focus.

I do have a couple of suggestions to make this even stronger.

The first might involve a greater change than you wish to make, but I'll toss it out anyhow. At times, most particularly when you are describing something or someplace, you over write. That is, you tell us more than we want or need to know.

The first few paragraphs are an example, I'll rewrite to show you.

Yours is:
Jesse sat in the deepening twilight and gently cradled the worn wood of the old guitar in his arms. His fingers lightly caressed the strings, and a melancholy chord echoed through the hills outside the screens.

Somewhere in his mind he heard the sound of distant laughter . . . their laughter. Closing his eyes he could still see the way her crystal blue eyes crinkled at the corners and feel the soft warmth of her breath on his cheek.

“Beth.”

Startled by the sound of his own anguished voice breaking the pervading silence, his eyes popped open, and he stared out over the hazy mountainsides.

I would write this part: "As he watched twilight come slipping down the valley Jesse lightly strummed the strings of his familiar old guitar. What he heard however was not the music, but the sound of distant laughter, What he saw was not the valley, but eyes so blue they made the sky jealous..

He whispered the name---Beth--- and for just an instant she was there. Then she, the laughter and the eyes were gone leaving Jesse to stare broodingly at the twilight,"

Now, I'm not trying to rewrite your piece, you did a fine job on it, I'm trying to show you how to keep fro overwriting. Count the adjective and adverbs in each piece.

Well, I said you might not want to make a major change like that.

There are a few awkward sentences too. Here are a couple:

"He had been just starting out then, with this same old guitar, discovered in a pawnshop." This could mean Jesse was discovered in the pawnshop ands it begs the question of what he was playing when he was discovered.

"Impatient for the performance to end, he so wanted to take her in his arms, aching with the desire to cradle her next to his heart and keep her there for all eternity" This one is just awkward.

This is getting pretty long. I'll repeat, you had a good concept and you presented it well. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is an interesting view of war. It borders on the anti-war position, but from its tone it really is more observation than political position.

The idea that blood somehow invigorates the earth is almost as old as mankind's history/ In the earliest records we find sacrifice before battle to calm or appease the gods.

I do have a couple of suggestions to improve this and make it stronger. First, and this is a major change so you may not want to do it, I think repeating refrains are very powerful. (Blatent plug - See my #1351556 in the poetry folder of my port.) You have a good poem to use the repeats since you have the one line connectors. You used them in a rhyme pattern, which is also good, but I wonder if you used something like "The pain of the slain for the grain" Just give it a thought.

Your third stanza could end stronger. Maybe "And climaxed on this day of days." ??

In the 4th stanza "deeds" needs to be "deed's"

The last line of the final stanza might be stronger too. How about "Will homes and sacred laws defend."

That's my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (3.0)
Wonderful words to try (and fall short as all humans must) to describe eternity. Majestic, worship, crystal, joy, love, abundance, splendor, and many more. Your vocabulary is fitting for the topic you chose.

Also, you use rhyme and that is not a little thing. English is a rhyme poor language so it takes discipline to maintain a rhyme pattern. To many aspiring poets jump right to free verse without ever learning which rules to break or when to break them.

There are some problems however. Not with the message of course, but with the poem. I'll list what I saw and suggest how to fix anything I can.

First, common practice is to capitalize the pronoun if it refers to God. so in both line two and line eight "his" should be "His."

"masters" in line four is posesive so it should be "master's." You also need possessives in lines 14 and 15(Heaven's and angel's)

It;s a different thing but in line 13 the word "eternities" should be "eternitie's," but since that looks odd I'd suggest changing the last two words to "eternity nears."

Line nine is not rhymed. Maybe you had a reason for that, but it is not one I can see.

Line 12 scans a bit better if you drop the "to."

Lastly there are three places where what you say is a bubble off plumb.

To make your first couplet you use the word astound when you mean astounded. They are not really the same thing since one is a process and one is a result.

In line six you use vibrantly sheer and those two words do not go together very well since vibrant means "with vigor" and sheer means either "steep" or "very thin and transparent." Maybe change the whole couplet to:

"So crystal clear are the river of life
that the colors of heaven muffle all strife."

Another advantage to that change is you don't use the same rhyme twice. (Line 12 also ends with clear.)

And the last of these oddities is the last line. You HEARD it through this angel's EYES" ??? Eyes don't hear.

I spent some time here because I want you to be the best writer you can, and because I did like what you were trying to do. Rewrite this and I'll be glad to take another look at it. Keep writing.




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Review of Top to toe  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ah yes, another attempt to describe how love feels. The 5,464,678th this year I think. And you know what, yours is right. Of course so are most of the others. That is because love is so many different things. It can be blinding, burning, gripping, numbing, thrilling, pleasiing. saddening, cutting, and more. (Blatent plug{You might take a look in my portfolio, in the folder Poetry, at the poem "I am Love."

Now let's look at yours a little more closely. You have described a type of love, maybe a first serious love, many of the feelings you express are physical. (thrilled, swooned, excited) This type of love is both common and unique. Common because everyone falls into it at least a couple times during their loves. Unique because no matter how many times you've felt it before, it;s always new.

I do have a couple of suggestions to make the poem stronger.

I'd take the last line of verse two and use it as the last line of verse one.

Then I'd use the last line of verse one as the third line of verse two. (And change it to swoons even if you don't make the other changes.)

I think, to complete the format, I'd add a word to each of the last two lines:

"I like him so much
It is almost a crime"

A nice poem, Keep writing

{center}
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Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A cute story. In my family we didn't curse or swear. However we lived in a duplex and my family was very close to the Gordon family which lived next door. Hank Gordon couldn't say three words without one of them being a swear word. I was about three and Mom, Dad, and Hank were sitting on the back poarh. Dad picked me up and put me into the playpen, which they ahd moved out to the yard. After a couple of minutes of trying to get out I yelled, "Jesus Christ, how in the hell do I get out of here?" Mom was shocked, Hank and Dad almost fell off the poarch laughing.

Enough of my story, what about yours?

Well, I can suggest several things to make it stronger. You have a nice way with words, but sometimes you are half a bubble off plumb.

First paragraph, "My mother truly believes THAT---"

and this part of the first paragraph "yet there are insignificant issues that leave her shaking her head unable to bite her tongue." is both awkward and confusing. Is mother really shaking her her head because she can't bite her tongue?

I'd omit the first three words of paragraph two.

The paragraph need several commas too.

"My mother, appalled, said-----

Most of those are kind of picky, but they would help. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)
An honest and heartwarming picture you've given us here. True, you are out of your mind, but the picture is valid. Let me see if have this right. You loved Maine because of all the snow, thirty plus inches at a time over and over again? You liked being cold,, dressing over a heating grate, getting an occasional cup of hot chocolate, and you even remember the shoveling as (sometimes) fun. Yea, crazy as a loon.

Seriously, I grew up in northern Ohio where we get about 120 inches of snow a year, and that is plenty. I really did like your memories, in fact, they ring quite true.

I do have a couple of picky suggestions that might make this stronger.

I'd suggest making your two opening paragraphs into one. It takes a while for you to get to your point and the first two parargaphs are only dimly related t ot that point.

This sentence is quite awkward: ". One can like the cold quite well by watching the snow swirl, and listening to the wind howl outside, while sitting in front of a warm, roaring fire inside." Maybe it should be two sentences. Howling wind and roaring fire compete too much.

Here is another awkward sentence: "Throughout fall to early winter, one of my chores was to split and stack wood for the kitchen wood stove and our living room fireplace in that wood shed. Wood." Again, maybe two sentences would be better. Just read it aloud and you should see the problem.

Without going on like this, there are several other sentences where your words get lost in the jumble of things you are throwing at us, A good edit would improve this a lot'. Keep writing.




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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (5.0)
A nice story, and a valid family tale, oft told and, no doubt, the snow got deeper with each telling. Makes me want to write about a couple of my family tales, likely I will now that you have given me the inspiration.

Just a couple of things I might suggest to make this stronger.

This line, "The snow was now falling relentlessly - and harder now." is vaguely redundant. Maybe just "By now the storm had worsened and snow was falling relentlessly."

I'd like a sense of how many people werew there. Several carloads is not too specific.

I do like your ending about being one, ,but sharing the memory. Keep writing.


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Review of Just Not Today  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ah yes, the eternal struggle between what we know and what we feel. A question from the time of Adam and Eve I think.

You do a good job of showing just how distracting and contentious this duality is. You paint some very effective word pictures too. I especially liked the sentiments entangeling it's roots and strangling life.

I can make a couple of suggestions to make this even stronger.

First, this NEEDS punctuation. It is a tool an author uses to guide a reader and in this there are several places where I need a guide.

"Simply stated its a matter of logic reasoning versus raw emotion" is an example of the need for a guide.

You make a couple of word use errors, or maybe they are spelling errors.

"o rampid they become impossible to keep up with" is an example. The word "rampid" is eiter misused or misspelled. and

"Or give in to to tug of its roots on my soul." I think there is a missing word in this line.

Finally, wouldn't;t the last line be better balanced if you used "yesterdays" rather than "yesteryears?"

Just my two cents worth, Ignore it as you swish.

Keep writing.



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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is everything a journal ought to be. (It's a lot like mine.) Ii writer's journal is a kind of repository for ideas, images, concepts and whatever.

There is no way to fairly rate it except as a unit unto itself. Hence the 5.

I especially liked this short entry

"With all the gust and force of a Cape Town southeaster gale, we tore through a
relationship. I often wondered if it really happened, it was so damn fast."

I put is, or rather my version of it into my own journal. I'm not above stealing a good image.

Oh, and I am fairly conversant with the Bible. I don;t think that story about King David is in the old testament. maybe the Apocrypha??

Anyhow, a fun read.
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Review of Live On  
Review by TerJa
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Intersting. It kind of goes against the "No man is an island, complete unto himself," but it is still a valid point of view.

I like that you made an effort to keep a regular rhyme pattern going. Too bad you couldn't keep it for the final couplet. Rhyme isn't a little thing. English is a very rhyme poor language so it takes discipline to write in rhyme.

THe meter, while not consistent, is regular and smooth.

A couple of suggestions to make this stronger:

Put another "was" in line two in the first clause. ("No one WAS seen")

The second stanza is confusing. You have two or three ideas going at once and don't finish any of them. The whole stanza needs work.

Third stanza, the third line might be better if it is more positive, like this:

"To be true to myself I have only one choice" (Then line four could be "To live for myself and to speak my own voice.")

I'm not trying to write your poem,, just tot show you how to work it.

That is my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well now, speaking as writer who has collected his share of rejection slips (and a few very small checks) I can sympathize with Dick. I'm not saying I agree with him, but I do sympathise.

FOr some, writing comes easy. I think of Asimov who seldom even had to do a second edit, or Ellison, who wrote short stories in store windows. Then there are writer like Hemingway who could spend a week on a sentance. Most of us are in between.

I do like your way with words. You seem very comfortable with them. I'm less happy about the idea that there is "A Great Truth" which will make someone a good writer. There is only one way to be a good writer, and that is to write good. (Pardon the grammar, I went for the image.)

I tought a class called Creative Writing at the college level. I told the class up front I couldn;t teach creative any more than a basketball coach could teach tall. Either you had it or you didn't. All I promised was I could make them better writers than they were before they took the class.

I'm overkilling the point. I liked you r story, but disagree with your ending. Keep writing.

This turned int more of a commentary an your piece than a review. Writing that forces me to think is good. Ergo---


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Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.0)
Everyone who has ever owned a dog knows this bit. I once had a dog that was a master at it. I'd say "want to go out Dutch/" and Dutch would just look at me and then lie down. However, if I then put on my pajamas and slippers Dutch would be a t the door waiting. The worse the weather the surer that would happen.

Now, since t his was for a contest I'll try to treat it as an entry I am judging.

First, you miss several commas. 1st paragraph needs one after "but." 2nd paragraph need some after "chain." and so on.

I do like some of the word pictures you paint. The cheeseburger one is especially apt. However, the third from the end paragraph seems a bit off. Hard to say why, maybe just because it has the line about her friends and that line is not needed.

I do wonder at the amount of control the dog seems to have, but then, i guess that would depend on the two of you.

The ending was good. I did wonder about the feet slipping though.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well now, 50/50 has always seemed to me the ideal, not necessarily the norm. I think my wife and I have a 50/50 relationship over all, but that is made up of a lot of parts. In some things it might be 20/80 and in others 80/20, but overall, the average is likely 50/50.

That is where I'd put your error, you seem to be criticising the individual parts of a bigger relationship.

Oh, and of course some relationships are never going to be 50/50. Boss/employee or teacher/student come to mind.

OK enough response, let;s look at how you expressed the ideas and see of we can find any way to make the piece stronger.

OK, you need a few more commas. One after the first word for example. Then you get twisted up in your own sentences a couple of times. The third sentence of the second paragraph is a good example.

I think what you did was write this while you were in a bad mood about relationships, and that kept you from expressing yourself as well as I think you can.

I'd suggest waiting a couple of days and then giving it a good edit. You have some worthwhile ideas in it, but it needs work. I'll be glad to look at again then.

Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.


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Review of Sunrise  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think Monet would like this. Likely he would sit out every morning for a month and paint the same scene, and every morning it would be different. I think you have the feel of the impressionist painter very well.

I do have a couple of suggestions which might make the poem stronger.

First, I wonder at the absence of punctuation. It is a tool for an author to guide the reader. I am not opposed to the absence of punctuation when it seems appropriate, but I'm not sure I see what is gained here.

Second, In the first line, did you mean "black" canvas or "blank" canvas?

In the 4th stanza the paint might dance better on the canvas than on the brush.

Last stanza, shouldn't it be "sounds" rather than "sound?"

Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish.. Keep writing.


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Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (5.0)
I almost didn't want to review this. I went through it with my mom ten years ago and I still have nightmares. In fact,, if you are interested, I just posted a poem #1434589 in my port, about another aspect of Alzheimer's. Still, it is something we all have to live with,, so I decided to go ahead an review your piece.

OK, you have the basics down very well. The steady decline, the day the person you knew has gone for good, the internal battles, all are spot on.

Suggestions? I have a couple. Personally I remember the smells of the nursing home. That vague, yet familiar smell which seemed to permeate every part of the place. Assuming that is a universal phenomena you might work it in. Then there are the other patients. You mention one, but surly, as you walk through the facility ,you must see others. Maybe a bit more on that.

Finally, I recall stopping almost every day before going into my Mom;s room. I had to take a deep breath and then almost force my hand to open the door. Again, assuming that is common, it would add power to the piece if it was included.

This was a hard review to write, and maybe I'm really off on what I said. If so, just ignore it. Keep writing.


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Review of Plans  
Review by TerJa
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite enigmatic. There are several possibilities which could have provoked such a piece. You muddy the waters with words like vengeance and shards of glass.

Still, I know very well the need, the absolute compulsion, to get something, anything on paper. It fills a need in some people. A need, not to necessarily be understood, but to be acknowledged, recognized as having worth and value. This is a good piece of writing in that school.

I especially like the {"--where I wish to be" and "Where I actually am" effect.
Suggestions for making it stronger? OK I have a couple. (admitting that making it stronger is likely not of a lot of interest to you since the writing was already cathartic.)

Some punctuation would help. It is a tool for the author to guide the reader. I don;t see much use in not using t here.

I'd suggest leaving "still" out of the "I can still close my eyes---" as it adds little to the feeling.

"current in the waves of life" is a nice phrase, but almost to overdone for this piece, which until then had been pretty straight forward.

The last sentence is unclear, work on it a bit.

Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.


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