As love poems go this isn't bad. You use rhyme, which is not a little thing. English is a rhyme poor language so expressing an idea in rhyme is much harder than doing it in prose.
I do have a few suggestions to make this a stronger poem. Mechanical advice first:. Why not use punctuation? IT is a tool of the author to guide the reader. I'm not saying all poems need punctuation, but there should be some reason no tot uses it and I don't see one here.
In line 3 the word "help" would seem better as "get" since as written it doesn't make sense.
Content: We;;, love is a very intense emotion, often it can conceal other things. (You;e heard the expression "love is blind") THE real key to a successful relationship is that the couple like one another. Sometimes love blinds people to the fact that there really don;t like each other. Your poem suggests that there could be problem down the road. After all, didn't you love the first guy?
That last paragraph is the joy and wonder of poetry. Done right it makes us think in new ways. Your poem does that. Keep witting.
As a teacher for 34 years, teaching everything from Jr high to sophomores in college I can speak with some authority on this piece.
To get a mechanical point out of the way, it isn't really a poem, it's a list. Still, it's a good ;list for the most part.
I can see what you are trying to do, but i have to tell you the effort is bound to-fail. There are as many ways to be a good teacher as there are teachers. The worst teacher Ii ever encountered was a favorite teacher of at least a couple students.
Let;s look at your list. I would agree with most of what you say, but there are a few that I think may be off the mark, most particularly number eleven. Down that path lies madness. One of the best teachers i know almost drove herself out of teaching and into therapy . A student came to her and said she had to talk to someone but that the teacher had to promise not to tell anyone what she was told. The student then said she was being sexually abused by her father. Now, what should the teacher do? She had promised, but the law requires any suspected cases of abuse must be reported. The teacher held out for two weeks but all of us could see she was under great pressure. Finally three of us took her aside and made her tell us what was going on. We then took her to the office and made her report the father.
Sorry, it's not my intent to tell my stories, but number eleven is dangerous. Oh, and number sixteen is misleading. Not everything in "the book" is wrong, no matter who wrote it.
I guess if I had to add to the list I'd suggest treating students as people, not products, and be willing to admit it when you are wrong.
This is as much a response as it is a review, but that's OK. Keep writing, and don't worry, you seem to show the signs of being a good teacher.
An interesting try at both the flavor and the feel of the inner city. Ii applaud the attempt.
There are some things however which could make this a much stronger poem.
First, accents and dialects are quite hard to carry off. However, if you start down that road be sure to commit to it all the way. You miss several opportunities. For example "s'all excitin , but aint t'good" is more in the flavor.
There are several word errors too, "See ya" and "a part" would be correct.
Why limit your punctuation to a few comas? What is gained?
Did you intent to use the lower case "i" for the first person singular?
Why is There's capitalized in the third fro the last line?
Wow, rereading this it sounds like I'm just tearing you apart. Not my intent, this is worth some work to make. There is a very good poem inside.
"Spurt of the moment" I love that. The phrase is "Spur of the moment" but I like yours a lot better.
This has the makings of a first rate story , but it needs a lot of editing and pruning. Right now parts of it are strained and other parts rather affected. I'll explain.
I'll use your second paragraph.
"Packing a lunch, I left the house and began crossing the fields behind the shed out back. Just a few more fences to climb, and I would be at the base of the mountain. The fields were alive with dancing wild flowers of many colors. It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons. There was every color for the painter's palette out here in the wilderness."
Consider the first sentence. It is easy to see what you mean, but now look at what yo u said. you seem to be simotaniously packing and leaving. And just where is that shed, behind the fields or in front of them? Then comes a sentence in present tense. next, "--many colors of wildflowers" is better than "wild flowers of many colors." The Crayoa image is nice. Where did the wilderness come from? I thought we were on a farm.
Another paragraph, at random.
"A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky. Cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top. The hike was an easy one, I had done it many times before. If I wasn't so afraid of the dark, I could probably do it without the light of day to see by. "
First sentence, an uncertain antecedent. What rose in the sky, the sun or the breeze? Second sentence, a fragment, and an enigmatic one at that. What is causing the action in the sentence? The last sentence is wordy. Just say ---I could do it at night.
I could go on, but I hope you can see that the main ting you need is a good edit. Please take this as constructive criticism, I'm trying to help, not rip. Keep writing.
Not an original topic, but then it's not the poet's job to find an original topic. It's his job to find an original approach to an old topic. I think you succeeded there.
By personifying the tiger you do give a new slant to the issue of keeping animals in cages.
Personally I don't have much of an issue with zoos, but the inmates might.
By using a particular tiger you do make the story more believable.
Expecting a tiger to act as something other than a tiger is asking the impossible.. They are tigers after all. In your view, unhappy tigers.
A couple of suggestions -- Well, the rhyme is good but the meter is off. I always red a poem aloud before I review it and yours left me a bit confused.
1st verse. "The walls--" would be better than "My walls--" and leave the "but" out of the last line of the verse.
3rd verse. The second line is very awkward. I suspect you were w=reaching for a rhyme. Maybe something like:
I made the leap for freedom: even knowing I would fail
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
life in the zoo was just beyond the pale.
Well, I've seen this happen twice, once to a male even. I'm sure it's traumatic, and memorable.
You have a nice way with words and the story is clear and easy to follow. I found no problems with grammar or punctuation either. So, why didn't I give it a five?
Some things are hard to describe, you know what you want to say, but the words are hard to find. This story needs something, but I can't quite put my finger on what the something is. It's like when someone else makes a lemon cake using my wife's recipe, it's never as good but I couldn't say why. That's what we have here. It's a good story, but something is missing.
Let me try a few suggestions.
In paragraph 2 the sentence that starts "That day---" might be better as "One Saturday---" or "One weekend---"
In paragraph 3 this sentence "I then applied liberal amounts of SPF 15 sunblock, not wanting to burn." would read better is the clause came first as in "Then, not wanting to burn, I applied------" Oh, the paragraph might end better with something like " expose anything I didn't want seen."
You say you are intersted in "the mating ritual we call dating." but never follow up on it. Oh, maybe you meant as it is happening to you on the particular day in question?
There is a little confusion in my mind on this point. You are pleasant to the guy who is hitting on you but also annoyed that he doesn't take the hint and go away. What hint? You are being pleasant to him.
I do like the understatement of Matilda's line.
Again, I like this, it''s clever, witty, and you underplay very well. Write on.
What a marvelous slice of life story. You have a way with words and you paint very clear word pictures. You even include all the senses, the feel of the railing, the hard to hear voices, the smell of the perfume. Well, OK, I guess you didn't cover taste but that's hardly a fault.
I have very few suggestions to make this stronger. Maybe being only three feet tall is a problem since that is very small for an eight year old. Then also you use the phrase "giving him a hard time" twice in three paragraphs. Perhaps one of those could be changed.
That's about it for suggestions. Again, a very good read. Keep writing.
A good poem which seems to want to go in two directions at the same time. It is hard to reconcile "I love every man, nation, race, or creed." with verse two. However, that is one of the wonders of poetry. It forces us to confront and resolve paradox and enigma.
Indeed we must love everyone. Fortunately we do not have to like everyone. I think that is what you imply. (or did I miss it completely?)
Suggestions - The transition in verse one is rather abrupt. Where did you sink?
There is a comma needed after "peace" and maybe an "and" between "trees," and "to" in verse three.
To me "turns" sounds better than "is turning" in verse four.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as you wish. Keep writing.
Well, first of all, as nightmares go, this is a good one. It has all the propeelements, on control over what happens, vivid. but vague surroundings, inevitability . horror. Y es, all the proper elements. A very good (if that is the right word) nightmare.
However, for a review I always feel I need to see if I can find anything to make a piece stronger. I do have a few suggestions, mostly involving word choice.
"large deep ditch for siphoning rainwater" Ditches drain rainwater, they don't siphon it.
"keep my vigil at the sides of the road." One keep a vigil by waiting and watching, surveillance is a better word here.
"firing down the road like a rocket. " Rockets blast, firing is q different thing altogether.
Finally in the third from last paragraph you are praying that something not happen, then in the next paragraph you say the unthinkable happens. You had just been thinking it.
Those are mostly pcky so ignore them as you wish. Keep writing.
What an interesting, all-be-it melancholy, look at the mood of despair. There are times when the weight of the world is on our back and all we can do is try to get from one minute to the next.
I'm not sure, if some one asked me what this is, if I would say poetry or prose, since it has aspects of both. A well done piece.
Since this is a review however, I will make a couple of suggestions to make it stronger. Really only two lines gave me any problems. They are:
"I am delicately balancing on a precipice, but I know I will eventually lose my balance.
I am drowning in an unimaginable, unbearable cesspool of hurt and loneliness that cannot be medicated"
First, I had trouble seeing someone balancing on a precipice and drowning. The two seem rather at opposite end of the spectrum.
Second the word "cesspool" is harsh, I think maybe "quagmire" may be better.
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
Love poems are in an area all to themselves. They try to give words to an indescribable feeling. I sometimes say it's like trying to describe green to a blind man.
That said let]'s see how your poem fits in. First, you managed a solid rhyme scheme. That is no little thing. Most poets, if they rhyme at all, just use rhyming couplets or rhyme two lines in a four line verse. You did it the hard way and let every line have its rhyme.
The emotion felt throughout the poem seems real.
Now, I do have a couple of suggestions which might make the poem stronger.
I always read a poem aloud before reviewing i t, That is a problem wit your poem. It lacks meter. The rhythem is very rough on an out loud reading.
You have some very good images in this, so when one goes wrong it stands out. I submit that this one needs work.
"Allowing myself to get close to you I did forbid;
and I didn't want to experience pain like before."
The language is stilted because you were reaching for a rhyme. Maybe something like "Afraid to get close too you, I hid
I couldn't experience the pain like before"
Or some such.
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you please.
Keep writing.
Well, why not tell is how you really feel? Kidding aside, I don't know if I should respond to the message or to the mechanics, so I'll do both.
To the message, sorry, but while it would be nice to say all the blame is at the feet of a Bush/Cheney plot, that doesn't t hold water. Now I'm not saying their hands are clean, but share the blame. The president can not, by himself, spend a dime. Every bill is funded by Congress and the Democrats have controlled the house for the last four years, (All money bulls must start in the house.)
Further, from what I know of people in high political positions, they all do want what is best for the country. They do disagree on what that may be, but they do have the countries' best interests at heart. I see no reason to say any less of Bush.
Where did you get the idea that millions of votes were stolen? Do you really think Bush had something to do with causing 9/11? It's impossible to dispute a lot of your points because you phrase them as absolutes. (It's like the old question of "Have you stopped beating your wife?" No matter how you answer you are in the wrong.)
OK now let;s look at the poem itself. It rhymes, and that is not a little thing . Rhyming is not an easy skill and a lot of aspiring poets jump right into free verse without knowing the rules, and how to break them.
I also like the "concrete" look of your next to last verse. Well done.
Suggestions just a couple.
Weill, the last verse sounds too strident, can you keep the message and muffle the shrillness?
Also. I don't think the "$ for s" works. Either use it all the time or not at all.
That's my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
The title is what made me look at this poem. I cover the same sunject in my #1378518 if you would like another take on the topic.
Your poem is fine, though truth to tell, it is really more prose with odd spacings. That's not bad, just an observation.
Suggestions to make it stronger - mostly it is omitting a few words.
"fucking" in line two is unnecessary.
"me" the last word of verse three adds nothing.
"often" in verse five isn't needed, nor are the last three words "me after all."
Just suggestions, ignore them is you wish. Keep writing.
A clever poem about annoying stuff
Which fills our mailbox with unwanted trash.
The folks who do thhis need a solid cuff
Up side the head, and then their keyboard mash.
But rude folks never know that they are rude.
They think we can not possibly mean them.
It's hard to penetrate an attitude
Like that. They''re sure the next email's a gem.
So we must sit and suffer endlessly
While they go on from joke to joke to joke.
Again they tell themselves, "It can't be me."
My finger in their eye I want to poke.
Yet comes another joke about a blond
So dumb she thought that Iran meant move on.
sorry, I couldn't resist, Yours is much better, but cut me some slack, I only spent ten minutes on mine..
Well said. I spent my life reviewing (we called it grading) papers. Now that I am retired I find myself still doing the same thing. But with a difference. Some of the people here really want constructive criticism. There are few things more enjoyable than an exchange of letters on a piece of writing. I give suggestions, The authoer replies asking about a couple ofthe, I respond etc.
People who care about their writing want and need reviews. i also do some writing of my own and I always welcome reviews. I always try to explain my rating, and I wish everone else did too.
Again, this was informativwe and neresting, Keep writing.
Not an original idea, but then it's not the poet's job to come up with original ideas. The poet's task is to show us a new insight on an old concept. Congratulations, you did it. In fact, reading this I was mad at myself for not seeing it and writing the poem myself. In short, it is good.
However, in any review Ii always try to see if I can help the writer make the piece stronger. I do have a couple of suggestions.
First, I always question a lack of puntuation. It is a tool for the writer to guide the reader. Why not use it?
Second, In the third stanza it might be stronger if you add "had" as in "What if I had told---" and " Had not pushed"
Third This line "That even the hardest of diamonds of
All could crack" I'd omit the first "of"
Just my two cents worth, ignore it if you wish. Keep writing.
Be honest you said. OK, but this will be a bit harsh. Well, first I will pay a compliment. You had a good idea and some effort went into expressing it.
There are sentence fragments, (The first sentence for example.)
There are wrong words (In the 2nd line it's "you're" not "your.")
There is awkward construction (The joining of us---)
I only pointed out a few of the errors. Work on this and it will get a much better rating. Of course this is just one man;s opinion so feel free t ignore it if you wish. However it is an informed opinion. Keep writing.
Well, you mix the good with the bad here. It's an interesting topic. I taught high school and college for 34 years. I know some students tend to develop feelings for their teadhers. Some teachers I know have kept in touch with former students for years after they graduate.
Your poem seems to show the best type of teacher. One that cares about the person behind the student. The problem with that is that sometimes the relationship gets out of hand.. I recall a teacher who almost drove herself out of teaching because a student told her she (the student) was being abused by the father, but she had the teacher promise not to tell anyone. Finally three other teachers and myself made the teacher tell us what was going on. We then took her to office and had her tell the proper authorities. She still felt she had betrayed the student.
Enough stories, the main problem with your poem is in mechanics.
first, why no punctuation? Your teacher would not like that. Punctuation is the way an author guides the reader. I see no reason to leave it out here.
second, proofread. Too often you use "your:" when you mean "you're." "alot" is "a lot" I, when it refers to yourself is capitalized. etc.
Anyhow, rework this and it will get a much better rating.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
I was attracted to this by the title. I am jsut finishing a major writing project using the 350 or so letters my wife and I wrote to each other over a four year period between when we met aand when we wed. (Se my port #1377584 is you are interested.)
Enough about my writing, let;s look at yours. Well, the idea may date back to Pandora. That;s not bad, just true. Because of Pandora however, the ending is not a total surprise.
You need a good proofreader. There are spelling errors (secretary not secretaire),
tense errors (decide if you want past or present and stick to it..) and some wording problems.
This is a good first draft of a piece which could be much stronger. Work on it and I'll be glad to reread and rerate it.
I never tried to write a review for untitled random thoughts before. I'm not sure quite how to start OK I'll try this.
There is the germ of a story here. Let;s take it apart. If we assume that the speaker has lost her memory it might fly as a plot outline.
Old memories are there, butt not accessible. She knows some things she used t like but isn't sure why. She remembers the names of old friends but nothing about knowing them.
Then the last part becomes the hook which leads into the story .
I'm rambling, but it was an interesting intellectual exercise.
I like poems with a repeating refrain, but this may overdo it a little. I think the constant repetition of "I am the person" hurts the effect you are after.
Suggestion, keep the refrain, but group the details. For example:
I am the person that you ridiculed, hated, scared, and destroyed.
The person whose name you never knew.
I am the person you destroyed for fun, but not the only one.
The person who has feelings too, like you.
And so on. It keeps the feel but avoids the overuse of repetition.
Just my two cents wort,, ignore it as you wish. I do hope you work on this some more, it has a valid message. Keep writing.
Well. I can tell what you are trying to do here. but there are several things that get in the way of your message. Message isn;t the right word, your intent is better.
First, it's a bit overwritten. That is, you use a lot of unnecessary words. Just using the first sentence, if I put it in simple English it reads "The frightened old lady looked around carefully." Is all the other verbiage needed?
Second, the contraction "it'll" is a bit too informal and somewhat substandard. You use it several times. While on the misuse of things include the exclamation point. Back when i tought writing full time I gave my students permission to use two exclamation points during the whole semester. It should be used as in "War declared!" not in "I had a nice time!"
Finally, it is a little vague. Is she afraid? Apprehensive? Eager? Anxious? All of the above? IS she religious? Who will knock? That's what I mean by vague.
BTW, I'm not ripping you, just trying to help you find a stable voice. This is only my opinion, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
A good effort. I've never tried one of these. You may have convinced me to give one a shot.
Your definition helped me see what you were after: I don't know if I would have had it otherwise.
A couple suggestions:
This line - "Heartbreak now is looming in vile vestibule of guile," strikes me as a bit silly. It's the "vile vestibule" that does it. It just doesn't carry the weight you are trying to put on it. I'm not even sure "Looming heartbreak" is a valid consept.
(As an aside. the next line by itself is worth the price of admission and is the best single line in the poem.)
The other place where I felt the poem needed something was in this line:
"Fidelity falls tacit with a reckless wayward gaze, " I don;t think "tacit" is what you mean. Tacit, by my dictionary, means expressed without words and that dosen't really fit.
Please take these suggestions for just that. I'm not ripping your poem, it;s very good, I'm only suggesting things which may make it stronger. Ignore the suggestions as you wish. Keep writing.
The sentiment is valid, and, I expect, universal. We are all aware of our own short comings and we all have secrets we don't want anyone to know.
Now, lets take a look at how you expressed it. Well, first, it rhymes. That is not a minor thing. You managed to keep rhymed couplets going for 24 lines, and that isn't an easy thing to do. True, "unfair" and "dispared" and "lows" and "grow" are slant rhymes, but that is called poetic licence.
The problem I do have is meter. The number of syllables in your lines varies a lot. I always read a poem aloud before I review it (or post it) an if you read yours you should see what I mean. It just isn't smooth. That would be the one thing I'd tell you to work on to make this poem stronger.
Still, I did like the concepts. Keep writing.
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