This is good. You have given us a hint of what was to come. The death of the mogul as he was listening to jazz music. Someone slipped into his house, holding a handgun. He did not hear the door open. Nor did he see the gun's barrel as it protruded into the room he was in.
The assassin moved with ease into the house, the jazz drowded out the sound of the bolt slippong loose from his door to allow his or her access to the room. I liked the way you have begun the story for us to read. our interest is hieghtened by the details that he did not like doing what his attorney should be doing instead of himself.
The way you have discribed him is good, We can see what the man was interested in, The way that you have described his behavior is able to draw us toward the character's that has been killed.
This is some story. You are able to draw us into the story. I feel that this story is great, he is chasing a horse theif. Whom he finds is a beautiful woman, each of us sees a woman who is beautiful is different for each of us. A write should allow us to see what he is seeing.
You are very good, at writing. i felt as if I was drawn into the story. I felt as if I was there with the man who wants to stake out his land. He falls in love with the theif. They go to the community where he met some people who are cattle farmers, they are ill at ease with him. The sheriff tells him to watch his step with them
This is good, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your delimna that you are facing. The challenge is to think about how to allow the reader to understand these details you are plagued with the problem laying before you. What to say, to allow the teacher to understand what you have been trying to say to the teacher, You find that you are fprtunate that you did as the teacher wanted you to create for your work.
This is able to convey to us the problem that you are facing, maybe you should have started with what the teacher was asking you to do, before you started the story. It was good however.
You have brought to us the fear that you are facing that morning, Have us feel the fear that you were feeling toward the task before you.
That was good. Your trying to sleep on the top bunk, that's where I slept too. You hear sounds below you. You awaken. Your half asleep, but you hear sounds below you. I did too it was my little brother there.
In your case, you did not know. You had a suspicion that it was your pet cat. Who slipped in while you slept by sneaking past your mother or father to get there. You decided it must be that. You peered over to the bottom bunk to see a gargoyle. Not just any gargoyle. But Black Gargoyle. You know you had seen it. Somewhere before, but where you did not know.
You were frightened as you saw it move! MOVE! You needed help. You were in danger you screamed. Your parents made a bee line to your room, They turned on the lights. YOU SAW THE GARGOYLE. It is there. YOu scream in termoil at the frightening being's head there
looking at you on the bottom bunk. Your parents laugh as they lift it from the pillow toward you.
You are trembling on the bed. They laugh and show you that there is no body to this head.
Nothing to worry about. You're not so sure. You won't be until its gone. For good. You appreciate this being done to it. They set it a light.
This was very good. You have allowed us to feel her anguish. The despair that her mother and dad felt about her vanishing. They were frightened, they went in whatever direction they thought she had gone. They died wanting to find her.
The story illustrates the love of a parent or parents what they will be willing to do to find the child. The child has been sent to land ruled over by a ghost, the ghost has punished all he has taken with him. if they could please him, they lived. If not they died.
The girl returned to her world, after being away for 7 years. The village is no longer there. She is puzzled by this happening, she does not understand what has gone on while she was away.
She waited to find them, to be embraced in their arms to feel their love, and devotion. She has learned that they have died. Their tears and termoil was with her when she heard of it, she felt that she was not worthy of love. She returned to where she had been held
captive at to live there as she had when she was held there. She would rule over this world with care.
This is good. We don't know why the other man is holding a blade in his hands as he stares at the MC, What the man wanted to do with the blade, but I don't think he is ready to slice bread with the knife.
The MC seems to feel that this man wants to harm him or even better kill him. I am not sure if this is a western or not. The MC walks out of a saloon to see the man on the street, they are standing in the middle of a street. We do not know if there will be horses walking on the street or a car there.
If it is a western than his steadson would keep the rain out of his eyes. So, I think it is crime story. We do not know if he is a police officer or not. You have heightened our curosity we want to know more about the MC and what he is doing there.
Will there be others looking to even the score, with him. Why he has killed the man? Would it have been better to have maimed the character rather than kill him
Great work, this chapter had me guessing that he would not make it. Good work this had me worried about his making it out alive. He thought he would face the devote but instead he was facing a Reaper instead. The story is able to allow the reader to see what they have done. He was fortunate that he defeated the reapers he was facing. You have been able to allow the reader to draw a breath. Good work. Thank you for presently presenting this story.
This chapter is the best yet. You are able to draw us in to your realm. The fight scene was good, you are able to hold us in your hands, we feel the tension that he is feeling when he is sent into this room, he is alone. There is no one there to protect him. If he fails he will die.
You are able to convey to us the danger he is in. The other students faced devotes but he is facing the Reapers instead. He has won. If I may can I ask of you to take a look at my work "The queen had returned. "The queen has returned, hear ye" If you could thank you. I appreciate your doing this on my behalf/
This is good. He is worried about what Lady Tryn is saying about the council being dissolved, he is fearful of what the council will say. The army may be called in to protect the council of what the woman is trying to do.
He also senses that the Darklings are on their way to this building and room, The enemy has been busy doing this. He expects that they will been attacked by them. The enemy is coming toward them.
He choose to protect them. He began to turn over the table to hide behind.
This chapter is able to draw us in. To care for the main character allowing us to see his flaws. The four women are distracting enough for him, you are able to draw us in to have us see his attributes as they are. He is taking advantage of the situation with Nina, by using powers that are not hers yet so he can do this to her. He is able to adjust to the situation that is before him in combat.
The other students are able to so this, without a combat environment. He is honed for battle that is his primary goal with his own body's reaction to the problem before him. You have developed his remarkable skills, with a great deal of strength there. Well done. keep at it. You've a few spelling errors in this chapter.
It is a pleasure to read these chapters you have written here.
You have an interesting chapter here, the way that he was drawn into the area was good. His sensing the enemy nearby, when he looked about for the foe and did not see it. Then he began to worry about if his senses were flawed.
The woman who was trying to have him throw knives to show off his skills. She put a dagger into the center hoop and told him to try and win if he could get another dagger there he could possibly win. He threw his dagger at the others, hit the first one, its weight pulled the three daggers down.
His friends won a great deal in the bet that they had made on his behalf. The woman believed that she had been hustled by them. She lost.
This story has a lot going for it, the MC wants to buy his servant (or rather hid slave) a gift. The MC is being laughed at for his indescrussion with her, his friend is trying to tell him, he should not do this. But he has.
They go into the tavern where their friends said they would be, They see him come in to the tavern with Nina who is laughing at him. His friends accepted him being there finally. She goes into the details about what he has purchased for her.
His friends agree with Nina that he shouldn't have done this. When he was leaving the tavern he paid for his drink with a gold coin. He did not want an argument as he left the tavern.
This chapter is good, you have brought to us a good set of fight scenes, the description of the attack was good. The Vanguard was able to feel that there is danger about them. He shoved his mentor away from them to bring her into safety. He than attacked the person who posed a threat towards them/
The other student attacked the other attacker. The way that they have been able to protect each pther. The way that they were able to alert the others was good. I could see the attack being made upon them.
Nina wants to learn to fight by the vangaurd, the fight ended the class in the afternoon. The vanguard has made him noted by the trainer, who warns that he will keep an eye on him.
He is concerned with this matter before his mentor. He is not sure.
This is very good. You have been able to have us partake of your refined place and savour the taste of the food. You are able to us feel confident in your writing to allow us to understand what you are saying in your story.
The way that you have allowed us to see how he felt about his friend being harmed by his boss. He confronted her and told her how he felt about her doing this to her. HHe has given the girl one of his gold coins. For her work here.
His boss took exception to its, she struck her in the face with her hand. Knocked her from her feet from the force of the blow, he told her. That he would turn her butt red from the force of his hands on it. He spoke to harshly at her.
He was not sure of what he had done. When they got to the festivities, he could not feel good about this happening. He was fearful of what he had done there, the others there did not seem concerned with what he had done.
Nina wanted to walk him back to his room. He did not feel to good about this happening what if her noyfriend finds out about it happening. She explains to him about what her boyfriend desires instead of being a blueblood he wants return to his community with the training he will have,
This chapter is interesting, the servant or slave wants to help him. He is a little befuddled by her, he is trying to tell her she can relax. He wants to pay her for her work. She is uncertian about this. As is he.
The man he met at his door, is to act as his adjunctant. He leads him to the room to have a meal. They walk into a room to see the other novices. Two of them object to each other and leave the room. The other man who is there offers to fight him after being coaxed into it. The practice is good, the mc is good, but the other man is almost as good if not better. But the MC counters his attack and wins.
When they were discussing it among themselfs the girl who is also a novice chimes in and suggests she would like to fight with him using their practice swords. The MC had decided he shouldn't do this as she is desired by one of the novices, whom the MC does not want to rock the boat of.
He is wary of what the girl's boyfriend would say to him about this. The man who desires her has made a point that he wants her. He believes that he is a noble. Within the confines of the school, his rank has no power over them at all.
The noble believes he is greater than the others in the comunity,
It is a good chapter. You have defined the character and the politics of the units there in the realm. Great work. I have difficulties in describing this your way to do this is very good.
The chapter is informative, you are able to draw us into the room to learn the data that she has been able to pursuade him into understand what she telling. He has no knowledge of what he has been asked to do. He is unsure of what they are to do. The way that they have brought him here.
The woman that has taken him here, is of rank far highaer than he is. He is behaving as if he on her level, but has been told that he can not look at the faces of the people here who are ranked above him. But they have accepted others of his community and they have accepted them as having this baring of confidence, they do not take execption of this happening,
But he still has to act as they have told him to, The details have been able to allow him to know the details. The details are very good, but he is confused, the place she took him to seems to be a dive of a club. They walk down a hallway to arrive at a hallway that she knew, after entering another room he found the room was very neat.
There were people dressed in a garb that told her their rank in the company,
hi,
this chapter is good it describes the reaper's body's response to their changing their bodies to allow them to live 900 years. They have a disadvantage to their bodies is that they do not reproduce as often if at all.
The way that you have described the change to his body. The reaction of his unit is as it should be. He is being transfereds out of the way. His people believe that he will return sometime. He is not sure of this, now. That he has learned the details of his new task.
He has to use magic, that even the mages are afraid to use. The power that they have is able to harm themselves. The travel method is dangerous he is uneasy about the task before him. He knows no aside from the woman he has just met. Very much like the way the military does these things. I was an air force brat, so I realize that the transfers are there and are done in a similar fashion.
This is good. You have been able to convey how ncos feel when they are faced with a promotion that they have ever thought was to happen. The officer who spoke to him before his seeing Primus. He thought they were upset at him.
He is worried, the officer he saw suggested, he was mistaken with his numbers of the enemy that they faced. He was upset at the loss of the soldiers with him. He seemed to think that they should have lost less soldiers than they had.
The Primus has him enter the room, seeing a woman there with the Primus. He is concerned with what this was. It made no sense. Then they said to him of things he had only heard of as storoes. That were never realized before, as being real. He is told he is to join their units.
The woman handed him a stone, that looked like it was a flame. He was told to touch it and he did. What he experienced was something that had never happened before hand. He was confused.
More so, when Primus told him, that he had the talent. He was one of the blessed. It did not make any sense. Blessed how? Am i not cursed. He questioned the reaction. How could he be blessed. He saw what the other officer said about him. How could he be blessed. He wanted to be with his soldiers, but he was told he was to join this woman on his trip to where the talented were to go.
This is interesting. The way that the woman described the murder of a man. The murderer dropped the weapon and the defendant lifted up the gun.
The police do not agree with his doing this. They suspect him to be responsible for the death of the man. The woman has the other man who is there with her believing the story she has given them.
The man is blind, but is acting as a witness. If the police catch wind of this he will be in jail too.
You have created an interesting story for us to read. When he reveals he is blind is good. We do not know this, we are as the police are.
It seems that you have some vivid dreams, your dream has allowed you to allow the reader to see what you feel is real. The beings who preside in the night, the sound of breaking bramches awaken you and the pain that the trees feel as you move through them. The burls dig into your bare flesh, they are laiden with buds.
The dyrads watch over the enivironment where they stand tall. DReaming of what they can imagine for it to be. Their dreams must be realized by us. Dream Dream of beauty.
Your praise ronates with his beauty and gift to all. Believe and you shall be set free to walk the earth. You know who he is, we all know, but do we truly know who god is he sees all, knows all. He will forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who are before us. May he is perfect cast the first stone. No stone is ever lifted, because who is perfect you or I we are not.
We all fail for we are human. Human beings are errant we are sent to earth to learn, we learn as we develop into the beings we are. We want peace, yet we prepare for war. We want Justice are we just? we are not able to see the truth because we wish to know it. Do we really want to know, what is true.
the blessing is your kind and sincere words fall upon the page that is before you. The love of kindred friends and relatives that are before you. Their love is what you know to be real in your life, love is what you are offering to your friends and loved ones. Love is what you do, be true to those who know you and your eternal love of all around you and yours. Love will guide you to your truth. Believe in all your heart imagines to be yours.
this was wild. Great work there in writing this story. It held my interest in the story you have written. I enjoyed the reaction of Diasy as she was talking with her journalistic friend. Her reaction to the phone screen being covered by the coffee of her friend.
The way that she dropped the phone to look at the criminal responsible for his brother's death. The notebook has evidence to this fact.
That is beautiful, it tells of your sweet love you are feeling toward your girl. It makes the heart sing with joy, may you always feel this way toward her, love my friend will always endure if you listen to the sweet harmony she sings to you. Believe in the love that is yours to feel have it embrace you make it allow us to feel the beauty that is yours to feel. Love eternally is true, believe.
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