This is definitely an interesting opening. He has been told thet his fellow theives believed that there were millions of dollars in the owners office. No one has found it there yet. Not even the others who entered the club, but they found it. The secret room what was in there they did not kno
The way that you have brought back his memories by looking at the pictures is good. His memory of wife is well done, remembering her beauty in her pleasent laughter when talking with the people who know them. It brought back memories that should be dealt with in a greater fashion of memory. It causes the reader to remember times when he has seen himself in his youth, his mother is telling him. That he should not dwell too long on the things that were before. Memory can be good. Trust in the love you have with the people you know. Ask them to tell you what they see.
This was good, it shows that we as human beings do not truly see who we are. WE see the points which others see as a blessing. If we are small in stature, we feel that we are not enough. We do not see what others see. Someone who is small can fit into tiny places, we are careful not reach too far.
My wife's family tower over me, when I first arrived at their door step I said, "Welcome to the land of the giants. I stand maybe 5"2 and a 1/4, the shortest one is 5"9'the rest are taller than that by far.
I am developing a pot belly. NO it is not a pot. Think of yourself as being what you are?
A human, with a few flaws. No one is perfect.
Your story goes a long way in showing the security of us all. Believe you are and you are? Aren't you.
This is very good. You have been able to draw us into your thoughts. The way that you have brought us the curious figure who has a way to create artistic designs with his talent of art. He has begun to the create his work, he took the toys that were damaged to recreate them with his skills. He took the creations to allow the public to see his work.
Taking them to show where he could show off his craftsmanshup to public. He has been given a great deal of praise, he is unique or is he?
This is interesting. You have heightened my interest in your story. The way that you have been able to allow us to want to know more about the man who handed the waitress the hund. The description you have described is good, it brings the reader into want to know what has happened here. You are able to have the reader to want to know more about the scene where the woman has been found.
This is good, you have been able to allow the reader to understand what you are saying about having someone named after a celebratity. The expectations may be raised higher than they should be. The person may not be able to allow the friends to see who they truly are.
You have been able to allow the reader to understand these details that the reader has to learn about the child's own desires. You are able to allow us to fully understand these details to the potental parents.
You are able to allow the reader to have to be able to do these things.
This is very good, I loved the part where the journalist is afraid of birds and her reaction with the birds in the water whom they are rowing toward. They trumpted and spread their wings to show their fear of them.
The swan who led them to the crime scene. They got a good story about the drug deal that was happening there. The death of an undercover detective who has died durying his investigation of the crime.
It was definitely a good story to read. Keep at it, you have quite a writer's voice.
This very good. The last chapter is new, I was surprised that her memory came back. So, she is an empath to animals. The human's who have found her have accepted her into their midsts. The way that you have given us these details are good, you are able to allow us to understand what she is doing in a conventional way. The details you present us with are able to allow us to further understand her plight.
The fire she reacts is very deadly, she has no control of over it or does she have to learn how to control it. She has supplied us with some details of her world, where she has originated from is not here. But on another planet or time when the earth or whatever she wants to call it is beforee we have developed cars, rockets,or other things we are used to having here where we are presently
This was good. The detective who can solve the illusions is good, the way you were to present this story to us was interesting enough. He arrives where the crime is totalk to the person responsible for this to have happened in.
He hears the voice of a lass who is talking to him, she presents to him what they are doing here, She tells him what they have to be willing to do this. The way that they have been speaking, he is afraid of what the maniac is doing> The one he has to find has identified him as being Inrfernis. I think, I can't be sure. The man who his tracking has set up a maze using his mental abilities to do this. The detective figures out what is the true path is.
He follows it to find the criminal. He causes him to forget where he is. His power is lessened to the effect the detective has captured him. This good, but you should describe the maze a bit better, have us see the trap[ that he experiences with his mind should he go off the path he is on.
Sounds like he has a problem, the women still do not know he is a male. He could be in a great deal of trouble if he gets caught. They are bathing together, he has not allowed them to see his male appendage. He would be in a great deal of trouble he enjoyed his seeing the women's breasts.
He is aware that he could be in trouble especially with the two other woman walking in on them, He is looking at the other two woman who would put him in danger. The danger he was facing could have him slain if he was caught doing this.
This was in the scene you wrote. Good work, the description you have written are good the explanation of this happening is good. I thought the figure in the black trench coat was someone other than the protoganist, but it wasn't.
The way that you brought the MC to life is good. We feel what MC is doing and how he was feeling toward the students who are teaching Drama. The set people are doing as they should. He saves Stella from the falling moon that fell where they would have been if he did not move out of the way.
You are able to draw us into the world where they are. Sounds as if they are hugh school students, you are able to have us experience what they are feeling toward each other and the MC's father. Who he dislikes ememnsely, but knows he has to do what he can to allow them to survive in the house they live in/
Wow. This is a great scene, the way you have described the sceen makes it feel real the only thing, is that when you are freezing. You skin grows warm as the cold seeps into your bones. Before death. Your appendages feel this way as the nerve centers shut down. Your skin is red from the cold and the blood loss. It finally becomes black from blood loss.
I think this may help in your description of the cold seeping into his body. The cold makes the body numb from the cold. You are not frozen as you would think. I was on a military base, from a posting from the martime provinces to this base. When we arrived it was forty below.
It was a dry cold so you do not feel the cold as you would in the martime province. I took off my jacket, mits and hat put them in my school bag as I saw teenages standing there dressed in jean jackets smoking at the curb, I thought id they could do this so could I. I learned different on that day.
My nerve centers do not recognize the cold thanks to that
This is good. But you have us awaiting their attack on the darklings and reapers who have fallen into their reign. You have been able to draw us into your realm. The way that you have described the races of the people in the community is good, Nina was also a noble, but she is barren. So, she has to be disowned from her family.
WAlyon loves her and has said this to her at the MC's urging. She accepted his desire to do this. She tells him that she is upset at his doing this. The group is a fearful of what their doing this. The MC has not sprang the question of what his fear is. The fourth triangle is doing this.
This is great. The way, that you have them running for their lives. They have beat the darkling in the other chapter and the end result that they know one more of them is there. The girl who he was sent there as a friend, is caught by them as they open the door.
the confusion that they are feeling is real. The student feels that their has to be a way
to find the enemy whom he feels are with in the city where they are being trained. The fear that they are feeling has to be recognized by the others. The danger that they have been in is realized, The student believes the group of reapers he knows are good friends are possibly the fourth triangle.
They are concerned, the next two chapters should be goos.
This was good. I enjoy your humor. The way that he and his mistress are behaving when they enter the finders work place. His sugestion that she should dress him was cute. The way that they have behaved as they awlk the streets in the town in search of the darklings is good.
The attack on them both is good, they have made out the darklings have human friends in the community. They have to kill the humans as well. The humans went them dead as well. It seems that the two of them are known before they even arrive. Someone wants to remain a secret has been killing the people who know things off in advance to have these two know these facts.
This was fanastic, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your plight, The squirrel is trying to tell you he should not be missed with. The way that the squirrel behaved may be able to allow his action toward you.
If you try to forget about the squirrel who has been making his nest in your yard. The way that you have been able to walk away from the squirrel. There are pronlems are that there are probably has more squirrels. They have 20 in a litter, they can get pregnant every other month. So, you will find that they are numerous and will do whatever they want to do to protect themselves.
hi,
Me again, this story is accurate. It is able to convey thereader to have a good deal of knowledge that you supplied to the reader. I found it to be of interest, that way that you have brought thid to our attention is unique, It feels as if the reader is there in his skin as they read the story. It maybe better if you describe to us perhaps a physical description of and perhaps his family to carry on his name.
This is an interesting screen play. they want to use a time machine, that they have built but they don't know how they could do this again. They have been trapped here. They are frightened by their arrival where they have gone. The tale is good it illustrates the danger of using one of these machines.
They are turned over to the King when they are caught in the alley where they are sleeping. The story has a lot going for it. But I think the language that they spoke 500 years ago would be different then the tongue they currently speak. I don't think I could pull off speaking to someone from there using our current dialect and tongue.
This is good. You have given us a hint of what was to come. The death of the mogul as he was listening to jazz music. Someone slipped into his house, holding a handgun. He did not hear the door open. Nor did he see the gun's barrel as it protruded into the room he was in.
The assassin moved with ease into the house, the jazz drowded out the sound of the bolt slippong loose from his door to allow his or her access to the room. I liked the way you have begun the story for us to read. our interest is hieghtened by the details that he did not like doing what his attorney should be doing instead of himself.
The way you have discribed him is good, We can see what the man was interested in, The way that you have described his behavior is able to draw us toward the character's that has been killed.
This is some story. You are able to draw us into the story. I feel that this story is great, he is chasing a horse theif. Whom he finds is a beautiful woman, each of us sees a woman who is beautiful is different for each of us. A write should allow us to see what he is seeing.
You are very good, at writing. i felt as if I was drawn into the story. I felt as if I was there with the man who wants to stake out his land. He falls in love with the theif. They go to the community where he met some people who are cattle farmers, they are ill at ease with him. The sheriff tells him to watch his step with them
This is good, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your delimna that you are facing. The challenge is to think about how to allow the reader to understand these details you are plagued with the problem laying before you. What to say, to allow the teacher to understand what you have been trying to say to the teacher, You find that you are fprtunate that you did as the teacher wanted you to create for your work.
This is able to convey to us the problem that you are facing, maybe you should have started with what the teacher was asking you to do, before you started the story. It was good however.
You have brought to us the fear that you are facing that morning, Have us feel the fear that you were feeling toward the task before you.
That was good. Your trying to sleep on the top bunk, that's where I slept too. You hear sounds below you. You awaken. Your half asleep, but you hear sounds below you. I did too it was my little brother there.
In your case, you did not know. You had a suspicion that it was your pet cat. Who slipped in while you slept by sneaking past your mother or father to get there. You decided it must be that. You peered over to the bottom bunk to see a gargoyle. Not just any gargoyle. But Black Gargoyle. You know you had seen it. Somewhere before, but where you did not know.
You were frightened as you saw it move! MOVE! You needed help. You were in danger you screamed. Your parents made a bee line to your room, They turned on the lights. YOU SAW THE GARGOYLE. It is there. YOu scream in termoil at the frightening being's head there
looking at you on the bottom bunk. Your parents laugh as they lift it from the pillow toward you.
You are trembling on the bed. They laugh and show you that there is no body to this head.
Nothing to worry about. You're not so sure. You won't be until its gone. For good. You appreciate this being done to it. They set it a light.
This was very good. You have allowed us to feel her anguish. The despair that her mother and dad felt about her vanishing. They were frightened, they went in whatever direction they thought she had gone. They died wanting to find her.
The story illustrates the love of a parent or parents what they will be willing to do to find the child. The child has been sent to land ruled over by a ghost, the ghost has punished all he has taken with him. if they could please him, they lived. If not they died.
The girl returned to her world, after being away for 7 years. The village is no longer there. She is puzzled by this happening, she does not understand what has gone on while she was away.
She waited to find them, to be embraced in their arms to feel their love, and devotion. She has learned that they have died. Their tears and termoil was with her when she heard of it, she felt that she was not worthy of love. She returned to where she had been held
captive at to live there as she had when she was held there. She would rule over this world with care.
This is good. We don't know why the other man is holding a blade in his hands as he stares at the MC, What the man wanted to do with the blade, but I don't think he is ready to slice bread with the knife.
The MC seems to feel that this man wants to harm him or even better kill him. I am not sure if this is a western or not. The MC walks out of a saloon to see the man on the street, they are standing in the middle of a street. We do not know if there will be horses walking on the street or a car there.
If it is a western than his steadson would keep the rain out of his eyes. So, I think it is crime story. We do not know if he is a police officer or not. You have heightened our curosity we want to know more about the MC and what he is doing there.
Will there be others looking to even the score, with him. Why he has killed the man? Would it have been better to have maimed the character rather than kill him
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 8:51pm on May 08, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
