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249 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Review of You're a Star!  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This has the makings of an interesting story. There are some places that could use some polishing, and some parts of the plot need some filling out.

The paragraph where Katie is questioning why she can't just go is a bit belabored. You can get the point across a bit more concisely.

It's a little confusing at the end how some random store that she drives into would have someone who had been looking for Katie for days. Crashing due to fatigue and dehydration all make sense, but is she hallucinating or did she wind back up in the same town she started in?

I'm not going to nitpick the entire story for technical errors, but I will point out a couple representative or unique ones.


"But, at this point everyone looked just about the same as me, except for the 3 cashiers who had been inside the cool store for sometime."


"There was nothing extraordinary about myselfme."

The word myself should only be used as the object of a sentence if the speaker has already referenced himself (or herself) previously. As in, "I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror."

Good start.

Write On!

JinX
2
2
Review of Merry Deathmas  
Review by JinX
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Very imaginative, but lacking in some technical areas.

The story is formatted like a letter, or even a telegram. It's not clear if it's intentional, but it's a bit distracting from the story itself.

Why all capital letters? Again, it's an unusual format and distracts from the story. (That's probably why it is suggestive of a telegram.)

Some proof-reading for spelling and punctuation would help, also.

Write On!

JinX
3
3
Review of Rabbit Dose  
Review by JinX
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece that seems to be a bit experimental. It doesn't really have a plot building to a climax, and there is certainly no resolution.

It does have a bit of a twist at the end, which makes it somewhat intriguing.

This line, "I forgot to tell you that I was visiting a small hotel," is worded awkwardly. It's rarely a good idea to remind the reader that they are reading. It generally pushes them out of the story. You could easily reword the phrase to something like, "I returned to the small hotel where I was staying." This gives the reader the information without reminding them that they are reading.

It's a good start, but could use some polish.
4
4
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (3.0)
This reads as the beginnings of a good moralistic tale. There are a few things you could do to polish it up.

For pieces on Writing.com, it's redundant to put the title within the body of the piece. It's also a bit distracting.

A blank line between your paragraphs will improve the online readability of the piece. It makes it easier for the visual parts of the readers mind to track progress, and makes the piece more digestible by making it clear there are a number of small chunks, not one big piece.

"Unwilling to move or to help itself, It began to wither away slowly." The "It" followingt the comma should not be capitalized.

"Being what it was and what it wanted to be, without ever compromising itself to change to be like the others." This is a fragment, not a complete sentence.


The phrase, "an independent life of its own," is redundant.


"Then, so close to becoming completely overcome by this wretched feeling, a realization had happened, a new sensation was felt, a new light had been seen." This is subtle, but telling. Within the context of the piece, the first part of this is most certainly about the flower. As written, it is the realization that was close to becoming completely overcome. There is a shift in the target of the sentence. It would read smoother if you broke this up into the truly distinct thoughts within and expressed them more clearly.


In all, a very good effort and a promising beginning.


Write On!

JinX
5
5
Review of Sleeping Angel  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is an excellent exercise in the descriptive passage. There aren't really any plot elements to make it a story.

A couple of minor technical errors:

withing => within

There's a new line before "She turned to the side,..." but not the extra blank line separating other graphs in the piece.


All-in-all, a scene beautifully painted with words.


Write On!

JinX
6
6
Review by JinX
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Nicely done! In the short space you created conflict and resolution (in the poem) with a nice little twist. Your writing is effective, efficient, and enjoyable.

Your writing style is clear and easy to read, and you've made effective use of formatting to make reading your story effortless for the reader. So many writers fail in this area.


Write On!

JinX
7
7
Review of Addicted  
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very sweet and touching scene. It isn't really a story though, as it doesn't have a true conflict/resolution element.

That said, you do a very good job of creating the image of "her", and showing the reader his feelings for her.

Two issues, and one minor grammar/punctuation item.

First, the words "addicting" and "love" aren't the same type of word. The phrase "addicted to" and the word "love" would be interchangable, as both are verbs. In fact, "addicted to" is the wording of the sentence that immediately preceeds the observation. It would be a stronger comparison.

The use of parenthetical asides in the final paragraph are disruptive to the flow of the narrative. The wording could be reworked to remove the parenthetical comments while keeping their meaning and result in a smoother flow.

"And those lips." is a fragment. It could be joined to the existing list of things he's addicted to by replacing the period of the previous sentence with a comma. If it was an effect you were going for, this might convey it better:

And, those lips . . .

Just a thought.

Overall, a very nice descriptive work.
8
8
Review of In the Clouds  
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a clear and easy to read style to your writing, at least in this story.

In the micro-fic format it is challenging to develop much in the way of conflict and resolution. You do a reasonable job of it, though I believe it could be stronger.

You have no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors that I noticed. I'm still surprised how many short works are riddled with them, and it's refreshing to see cleanly written prose.

Overall, this is an enjoyable taste of a story.
9
9
Review of Reunion  
Review by JinX
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Winklett,

I thought this was a pretty good micro-fiction until the revelation that the other woman was the narrator's mother. That made it excellent. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Some twists are moderately predicatable - they are on the list of possible outcomes as I read a story.* This one surprised me. I even got a little chill as the realization of what I was reading came over me.

I also like the subtle way in which the relationship is revealed.


Very well written and a pleasure to read.


Write On!

JinX



* I wonder if this is a side effect or reading so many stories and trying to write my own.
10
10
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (2.0)
At first, I thought the spelling of "god" as "gad" in your description was an affectation of dialect, specifically a Boston accent.

After reading your monologue*, I suspect it's just another typo.

This short item if filled with run-on sentences, missing or incorrect punctuation, and mispellings.

For example,


so in closing each and every religion wether it be muslim,chirtian, jewish, and so on all need something to belive in wether we call him god or something else.



Corected:

So in closing, each and every religion, whether it be Muslim, Christian, Judaism, or any other, needs something to belive in, whether we call it god or something else.


Also, you've misquoted Shaekspeare. The correct quote is,


"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."


--From Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)


Write On!

JinX

*This static item was classified as a short story. Stories have plots, character development, conflict, as well as other elements that distinguish them from poetry or simple articles.

Writing.com offers more than 25 distinct sup-types for static items. IMO, this would be more properly classified as a monologue, though editorieal or essay might work as well. It wastes a reader's time to misclassify an item.
11
11
Review of Vinegar  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very vivid imagery.

The 'story' appears to be incomplete, as there is no build up and resolution. Plus, the description mentions dancing on a street corner, and the protagonist is not yet out of doors.

Based on what IS here, your writing appears to be very strong.

Write On!

JinX
12
12
Review of The Missing Scene  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hmmm . . . I dunno . . . the scene is here; it's the story that's missing. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I liked the scene. I felt it was very well written and nicely structured. It makes me curious about the rest of the story. Maybe that's the point . . .


Write On!

JinX
13
13
Review of Hunger  
Review by JinX
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, how delightful.

What an intriguing form. I can't imagine getting a whole story in so few words.


Excellently done!


Write On!

JinX
14
14
Review of Naptime  
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (5.0)
A triumverate! Not only two contestants, but a Limerick Idol judge in the winners' circle as well.

Awesome job and congrats!


Write On!

JinX

"Invalid Item"  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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15
15
Review by JinX
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
An incomplete drama . . .

What I Liked

You've got some great character development going on. The pace, so far, seems to move well.

The introductory passage really showed us a lot about the characters quickly but effectively. I was sorry they weren't part of the rest of the story.

The characters of Peter and Meghan seem to be equally well developed, though at a more gradual pace.


Suggestions / Errors


Your story isn't finished!


You really should warn the reader about that. It's a bit jarring to get to the end and have the story not end.

Because it isn't complete, It's almost impossible to comment on your plot. I see where I think it's going, and it's intriguing (if a touch cliche), but without actually seeing it and seeing the pace, it's conjecture.

As it is still a work in progress, I don't consider the mechanical errors when rating, but I do point them out. (Free proofreading with every review! *Laugh*)



She could hear him enter the bathroom with the flicker of the light switch.

"flicker" is what a light does when it doesn't light up steadily. You 'flick' a light switch.



Often the joke among their inner circle, the glasses often spark a feud between them.

Two things here. One is a tense shift. "the glasses often spark" is in the present tense; the rest of the passage is past tense. The other is the repeating of 'often'. It's too close together and it sounds awkward.

Suggestion:

Often the joke among their inner circle, the glasses frequently sparked a feud between them.



The devastation escalated when he senator finally admitted to it.

The devastation escalated when the senator finally admitted to it. Yes?



demanded law enforcement to find the people responsible

One doesn't "demand (someone) to (do something)". You demand that they do it, or simply demand they do it.

demanded law enforcement find the people responsible




they never asked me out right.

they never asked me outright.
(As two separate words, in means they are inept at getting a date.)



"Boy, aren't we a feisty one today, aren't we? what's the matter, Meg? Got out of bed the wrong side this morning?"
"Like you would like to know!
"What?! Don't you have something better to do than bother me all of the time," I asked as I returned to my desk and ruffled through my notes.


I quoted the group of lines to illustrate a couple of things.

In the first sentence, you should drop one of the "aren't we"s.

I'm sure the first quotation is from Peter. (The 'w' in "what's" should be capitalized.) The last quote is obviously from Meghan. The middle quote, "Like you would like to know!, is the problem. It doesn't have closing quotes. That would normally indicate it is part of a muliple paragraph quote that continues.

That may be so, since it makes more sense for Meghan to say it than Peter. But it's only one line, so making it a separate 'graph doesn't really make sense.

The spacing (formatting) is confusing. You should think about putting blank lines between paragraphs. (See "Invalid Item" )

Finally (I'm really picking at you here), the line doesn't really make sense. "Wouldn't you like to know!" makes sense here.




giving me amble opportunity

giving me ample opportunity



It made him squirm more. But not nearly as much as Jack asked him if he had a problem with doing the assignment.

It made him squirm more. But not nearly as much as when Jack asked him if he had a problem with doing the assignment.


Or

It made him squirm more. But not nearly as much as Jack did when he asked him if he had a problem with doing the assignment.




It's hard for me to rate drafts of incomplete stories. Extrapolating your style, pacing, and character development from this to a complete story, I'd say it's above average, assuming all the mechanicals were fixed in the final. So, I'll rate it 3.5.



*Star* *Star* *Star* ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Best of luck and Write On!

JinX


"Invalid Item"  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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16
16
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A not-quite-parody of the Bard.

What I Liked

W.D., in your usual hilarious fashion, you have created a piece of exquisite humor. I was chuckling most of the way through. Of course, that may be because it very much matches my sense of humor. That is, I often find myself mentally misquoting what I hear for humorous effect. (Unfortunately, the effect is usually just on me!)

I loved this line:

A crusty old bloodhound lays on the ground in front of the barn. He lifts his head to stare at you for a second; skin hanging down like melting ice cream.



Suggestions / Errors


No suggestions. I found one possible error:

‘It reads’, TONIGHT ONLY, THE HICKVILLE PLAYERS PRESENT: SHAKESPEARE’S “ROMEO AND JULIET”.


The single-quotes seem to be misplaced.



A very fun read. I think Will himself would have been amused.

*Star**Star**Star**Star* ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Best of luck and Write On!

JinX

"Invalid Item"  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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17
17
Review by JinX
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A well written tale of fantasy, of the classic quesiton of fate, and of the struggle against incredible odds.


What I Liked

You have a detailed imagination. The world, nay universe, you have created is whole, complete. The imagery you create, especially of the bridge and the gryphons is excellent.

You tell a story well. I found myself enthralled in Ellya's struggle against both the elements and her own despair. You didn't go for the predictable, happy ending. I can't say I liked the ending. That's not due to bad writing, though, just sadness.

Suggestions / Errors


There are a few places where your word choice sounds a little awkward, to me at least. It may be an effect that you're going for, that is, making the language sound a little archaic or formal. I find that it makes it harder to read.


There were some mechanical errors.


the one from whom this wise voice belonged

the one to whom this wise voice belonged


the voice would demand of her far more than she thought herself capable of.

Two 'of's. This is also one of those awkwardly worded phrases. If I'm trampling on your style, ignore me. *Smile*

the voice would demand far more of her than she thought herself capable.



Only one trial remained still

(Teasing) The other trials were moving? (End teasing).

I would suggest either:

Only one trial remained
or

Only one trial still remained




Were she unable to succeed then no one would live to see another sunrise.

Were she unable to succeed, then no one would live to see another sunrise.


No one would ever draw another breath, would never see a loved face and would never experience bliss again.

ever . . . never . . . never

You've switched here. The 'never's go back to 'No one', and form double negatives.

No one would ever draw another breath, would ever see a loved face, or would ever experience bliss again.



mentally preparing herself to what would become the greatest challenge of her young life.

mentally preparing herself for what would become the greatest challenge of her young life.


Ellya played one mighty Game where she could not loose

Ellya played one mighty Game where she could not lose


Not for the first time since she had learned of her fate she wished to have been born at another day

Not for the first time since she had learned of her fate, she wished to have been born at another day




The bridge awaits for no one.

The bridge waits for no one.


Never could she have been considered at any time in her life physically strong,

Worded awkwardly. "Never . . . at any time in her life", plus the ordering.

At no time in her life could she have been considered physically strong,




She often stumbled and in some occasions she only did not fall out of sheer luck.

"in" is the wrong word. "she only did not fall" is awkward.

She often stumbled and, on some occasions, only out of sheer luck did she not fall.


ceased to exist no sound could was heard at all.

ceased to exist no sound was heard at all.
Or

ceased to exist no sound could be heard.



(Nitpicky)
as its final moments finally approached.

Two forms of 'final' too close together.

as its final moments approached at last.




Overall, I think this is a really good story. It's not perfect, but it is well above average. I rate it a 4*. Just fixing the mechanical errors would put it up about half a star.


*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Best of luck and Write On!

JinX

"Invalid Item" 
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18
18
Review of Fairy Nuff chap1  
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (4.5)
An imaginative fantasy . . .

What I Liked

The settings are fully developed. The meadow scene is very detailed and well thought out.

There is some clever word play in the descriptions of the scene.

The development of Paul is done well and carefully. He seems almost marginal at first, and then gradually takes center stage. It gives us a good background for him later, I'm sure, by focusing on his parents in the opening.

The introduction of the other two characters near the end of the chapter is also very well done.

As it's not a complete story and only a chapter, I can't really tell how well the plot works. The foundation you've layed looks interesting though. I'm intrigued enough to want to read more, and that's what first chapters should do.

Suggestions / Errors

I noticed one mechanical error while reading the chapter:

at least until paul wanted to use them to contact Faeriea.

Paul


Other than that, I have no suggestions. *Smile*


Overall, I found this first chapter to be a well developed and enjoyable read.

*Star**Star**Star**Star* ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Write On!

JinX

"Invalid Item" 
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19
19
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a pretty tight piece of writing. A well-paced short piece of fanfic.


What I Liked

First, thank you for identifying it as fanfic. It's always nice to understand, whether just reading or reviewing, that the piece belongs to a whole world of characters and situations. I confess I don't recognize where it comes from, but I appreciate the notice.

For a work of this size, you paced the action very well. Your wordcraft is obviously well honed. Your descriptions strike a very nice balance.

Suggestions / Errors

As it is fanfic, I assume that some of the characters are fairly well known to fans of the story line. There are hints of greater depth to the characters than what was revealed in the story. I assume that Zero was a disposable character for this story, and as such doesn't have other background in the storyline. I found that I wanted a little more insight into him, especially while reading the scene in the cell.

One mechanical suggestion -

I advise you to call your lawyer first thing, when the marshals come for you.


The comma after 'thing' isn't needed. You would need it if you put the dependent clause first, but not when it follows.


Overall, a very enjoyable read. Please let me know what storyline this is fanfic to. You've piqued my interest.



*Star**Star**Star**Star* + 1/2

Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
20
20
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Bill, this is a truly fun piece of parody to read.

What I Liked

The imaginative way you've twisted the original and worked in the comedic elements of your parody. The ridiculous elements are well woven into the original story.

Suggestions / Errors

I don't have any real suggestions, but I want to whine about something. It seems to be only a partial parody. It seems to just . . . end.



Overall, a wonderful example of parody. Well Done!


*Star**Star**Star**Star* + 1/2

Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
21
21
Review of The Shepherd  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A rather bizarre tale . . .

What I Liked

It is well written and imaginative. It is almost reminiscent of Stephen King's "The Stand". It is highly descriptive and well paced.


Suggestions / Errors

I was actually disappointed with the ending. It seemed almost too easy and anticlimactic. Not that I expect "good" to always win over "evil", but the final confrontation is almost non-existent.

The conflict between the Shepard and Daniel isn't as intriguing as the conflict between Dr. Wells and Susan, but that conflict doesn't really get resolved. I think the story would feel more complete if there were more attention to this conflict and more resolution to it at the end.


I didn't really find any mechanical errors. As always, that doesn't mean they're not there, but I didn't notice them. I usually do. *Smile*


The only mechanical error I found was in the following pair of sentences. It's a little nit-picky, but that's what I do. *Smile*

His sharp teeth gleamed, shiny and white. But it was his eyes that grabbed you.

The second sentence isn't technically a complete sentence. It is becoming common to use 'But' as an interjection. But, when you do, it should be set off with a comma. *Smile*

Alternatively, you could join the two sentences by treating 'but' as a coordinating conjunction by replacing the period at the end of the first sentence with a comma.



Overall, I think this is a pretty good story. The concept is novel and you definitely display talent. I think you could improve plot with a little work. I rate this as 4*, which is Well above average.

*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
22
22
Review of Trocia Part 2  
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (3.5)
Avitaria,

Since you've told me this is a rough draft, I'll keep the editing comments to a minimum. *Smile*

What I Liked

Though it's incomplete, I think you are off to a nice start. You are building up some interest in what lies ahead for Artimisla. You have the beginnings of good characterization. What you have of the story so far is well paced, only lagging in a couple of places.

Suggestions / Errors

I wish I had some plot suggestions for you. This appears to be part of a fairly large work. This section is labelled 2 of 5, but I wonder what could have come before. The tone of this section to this point is quite introductory. In fact, you are introducing the main character in the first few paragraphs. That normally wouldn't come in a second chapter/section. You might want to rethink that and make this the start.

Your characterization is pretty good, but I think you could flesh out the father and the mother a little more so that we understand Arty's leaving. There's a lot of love, but she is being banished and shunned. It's not clear whether this is a coming-of-age ritual, or the result of a transgression.

Also, while you tell us early on that she had a great love for animals, it isn't until she first meets the high council that we learn she desires to be a healer. It may help to clear up her goals and how the animals play in.


I'm going to point out some word choice issues.

Growing up I never had fit in with my friends

This is just an awkward ordering. I'd try

          Growing up I had never fit in with my friends



More or less shunned from the other’s my age

That may not be technically incorrect, but the common usage of shunned would by 'by

          More or less shunned by the other’s my age



I knew one day my journeys would return me, eventually.

A little redundant -- 'one day' and 'eventually' I'd say it one way or the other, but not both.



I had never seen this kind of crafts work from his workshop.

'crafts work' sounds wrong. It also stumbles a little with the 'work from his workshop' two works close together.

Suggestion:

          I had never seen this kind of craftsmanship from his workshop.


A human I thought although not completely sure, I had seen him before, but a long time ago when I was just a child.


         

I turned my vision off him

'turned' followed by 'off' sounds, robotic?

I'd try one of these

          I turned my vision from him

          I took my vision off him


The green of his eyes was like staring at the grass in summer.

The structure here says that 'green' is like 'staring'.

          The green of his eyes was like the grass in summer.

          Looking into his green eyes was like staring at the grass in summer.


and follow me to a place in which I know you will love

But what will she love in the place. (Sorry, couldn't help it.) Just drop the 'in'.
          and follow me to a place which I know you will love

it was Jet Black

Unless 'Jet Black' is the horses name, it shouldn't be capitalized.


more younger

That's redundant. If you are saying that she was younger still than another character, try 'even younger', or 'younger still'.


One word you repeatedly misspell is 'were'. You spell it 'where'.

since I wasn’t like they where

          since I wasn’t like they were


I'd caution you about sentence stucture. When you're trying to get that first draft out, it's usually best to just write and edit later. I thought I should tell you that I noticed a lot of run-ons, so be watchful for them when you do edit.

Your formatting is also a bit inconsistent. Somtime you indent new 'graphs, sometimes you don't. It's even better if you put blank lines between. It improves on-screen readability

Here an example of both:
Eventually I was unable to stop staring, that’s when he removed himself from the bench, and proceeded to sit across from me. Not bothering to ask for permission I quickly blurted.
“The seats taken, sorry.” In an almost snobbish way.
His eyes lit up and he smiled brightly. “It’s little Artemis

Edited:

          Eventually I was unable to stop staring. That’s when he removed himself from the bench. He proceeded to sit across from me without bothering to ask for permission.

          I quickly blurted, “The seat's taken, sorry,” in an almost snobbish way.

         His eyes lit up and he smiled brightly. “It’s little Artemis


And another series of run-ons:

His face was covered, cloaked by a mask of some sort, I slipped my hands out of his, and held onto my drink, I was obviously nervous, I had never seen some creatures that now lay before me, I was in awe.

Edited:

          His face was covered, cloaked by a mask of some sort. I slipped my hands out of his and held onto my drink. I was obviously nervous. I had never seen some creatures that now lay before me. I was in awe.





Overall, I like what I've read. If I were editing, I'd bleed all over some of your errors, but those are just technical issues (and easy to fix once you have a good story!). I think this will be very good, and I'd like to read it when you are done, or even have more. (Time permitting!)

I'm going to rate it 3.5, which is above average. I think it has the potential to rate higher, but there's not yet enough plot to know that yet.



Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
23
23
Review of Cargo  
Review by JinX
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A truly inventive tale.

What I Liked

I liked this story a great deal. It was very creative and interesting. I found myself fully engaged from the beginning to the end.
It is well written. Though a little sparse on setting details, I could still see the story happening in my mind.


Suggestions / Errors

I don't have any suggestion to improve your story from a style or structure point-of-view.

I did find a couple of mechanical errors, and there are a couple of word choices that I wish to comment on.

Frank went drinking with his factory cohorts


'cohorts' makes me think of soldiers and other groups who seek a goal together. It has a positive connotation for me.


The peculiar silence that hung in the air was not just the absence of sound, she couldn’t help but think, but almost like a living entity,


That's a pair of 'buts' a little too close together. How about:

          The peculiar silence that hung in the air was not just the absence of sound, she couldn’t help thinking, but almost like a living entity,


unless of course he had had been thrown from the truck.




All in all, a very enjoyable read.


Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
24
24
Review of Mr. Bones  
Review by JinX
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very enjoyable short story.

What I Liked

It was very imaginative, creative, and well written. There was a nice little twist at the end. (I kinda' guessed what was going to happen, but I do that a lot.) I didn't expect all of other field trips to be tied in. That was very well done.

It was dark, but cute, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Suggestions / Errors

I think the pacing of the conversation in the principal's office lags a couple of times, but not terribly so. (Just a thought)

But I can live with that, it's the children that I'm concerned about.


          But, I can live with that. It's the children that I'm concerned about.

As far as I know, he's been to the museum, the Children's Hospital, they've even visited the nearby nursing home to help cheer up the seniors.


I'm being nit-tpicky, but it should either be a list of places, or two separate sentences. You've sorta' mixed the two.

          As far as I know, he's taken them to the museum and the Children's Hospital. They've even visited the nearby nursing home to help cheer up the seniors.

Or

          As far as I know, they've been to the museum, the Children's Hospital, and even the nearby nursing home to help cheer up the seniors.


Very well done


Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
25
25
Review by JinX
Rated: E | (3.5)
A cute example of how Dad is never cool.

What I Liked

It is a cute story. You tell a tale well, as I've already experienced. I could really see you up there ironing all the clothes with great pride and satisfaction.

Suggestions / Errors

There's a shift in tense occasionally. You start in the past, switch to the present, then back. It can "pop" your reader out of the story. ("Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!)

Also, in the second-from-the-last paragraph, it's not clear that the parting shot is as he gets out of the car (I'm assuming). WHen you start the car, it can be read as if you're leaving the house. I had to reread to get it straight (assuming I did). You may want to clarify that.

I found several mechanical errors. Since you don't say this is a draft, I'm hitting you a little hard for the errors. (It's all subjective, but I'd guess I'm taking a full star for these.)


Dutifully I do as asked

          Dutifully, I do as asked


I am amazed at the ease that this fancy non-stick, steam-spitting machine glides over the fabric and slides around the buttons, leaving no tell tale marks, I may add.


Two things. First, this should be broken up. Starting with 'leaving', it should be a new sentenct.
Second, taking out some of the extras, the first sentence is 'I am amazed at the ease that this machine glides.' I'd change 'that' to 'with which'.
          I am amazed at the ease with which' this fancy non-stick, steam-spitting machine glides over the fabric and slides around the buttons. Leaving no tell tale marks, I may add.


creases; so sharp

          creases, so sharp

(What follows the semi is not a complete sentence.)

Besides, I thought my wife only asked me to get the washing in, what a surprise it is going to be for her to see I have ironed it too.


Two sentences . . .
          Besides, I thought my wife only asked me to get the washing in; what a surprise it is going to be for her to see I have ironed it too.

There was no lifeboats

          There were no lifeboats

Gallantly I decided that

          Gallantly, I decided that

it wouldn’t be wise to iron the bras or the socks, geez the hankies were bad enough, so I sorted the


          it wouldn’t be wise to iron the bras or the socks. Geez! the hankies were bad enough. (or "Geez, the hankies were bad enough!) so, I sorted the . . .

I told him I had ironed his work uniform and he as teenagers are, disbelievingly replied. “Oh yeah dad, as if.” Mum wouldn’t let you near the iron.


Not clear on what ":teenagers are" here. I suspect a missing word/phrase. Also, some structural issues . . .
          I told him I had ironed his work uniform, and he, as teenagers are likely to do, disbelievingly replied, “Oh yeah, Dad. As if! Mum wouldn’t let you near the iron."


It wasn’t long before the bellow came. Oh Geez Dad what have you done. You’ve ruined my uniform; I can’t go to work dressed in that, they would laugh at me.



Should be quoted and puntuated . . .
          It wasn’t long before the bellow came. "Oh, Geez! Dad what have you done? You’ve ruined my uniform. I can’t go to work dressed in that; they would laugh at me."


But you look smart in them I began when he interjected, but dad, "It’s not cool, ya! Got to get modern." Creases like these went out with the ark and I am not walking down the street like this; you will have to drive me to work.


          "But, you look smart in them," I began when he interjected, "But Dad, it’s not cool! Ya' got to get modern. Creases like these went out with the ark and I am not walking down the street like this. You will have to drive me to work."


Overall, I really enjoyed the story. *Bigsmile* I'm a bit hard on the mechanical errors. It's because I hate 'em in my work and hate it more when someone says, "There are some typos," but doesn't tell me where they are. Obviously I've missed them, so I need some help. I point out in the spirit of helping. *Cool*



Best of luck and Write On!

Jinx
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