I think this has potential, but it needs a lot of work. This first chapter didn't really hook me in. You need something that will make the reader want to keep reading to find out what happens next. On the other hand, you had some nice descriptive paragraphs in here, like the description of Lucky trying to get Jasen off his back the first time he rode him.
Consider the following when editing:
You should use a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.
It consisted of a general store, a couple of saloons, several hotels, and a very big delivery (Did you mean 'livery' stable?) stable, and then there was Ben’s Den, the oldest building in Iketown.
To the east corner of town, past the boarding house, was the Sheriff’s (sheriff's) office and next to that was his house.
He had sandy long hair to his shoulders.
(Suggest: He had long, sandy hair down to his shoulders.)
It had not been easy to ride the stallion at first (,) for (For) over an hour Lucky did everything in his power to get him off, (:) bucking, falling, trying to bite him, trying to slam him against the corral rails and even sliding up against it to obliterate the rider’s leg,(.) but it (It) seemed like the rider could sense what he was going to do and (was always sliding off the horse, moving his leg, or whatever it took to show the beast tat he was the one in control.) he was always there sliding off the horse, moving his leg or whatever it took to show this beast that he was the one in control.
The other thing the people would have noticed was Jasen’s well-oiled pearl handled (pearl-handled) twin 44s hanging at his hips, (;) there were no notches, nor (or) marks.
And you could plainly see (by) the way he carried himself (that he was not a man to be messed with.) , he was not a man to be messed with.
Ma in her late sixties (In her late sixties, Ma) was still very energetic and agile, and if you wanted Pa's support, it was well known that you wouldn't get it.
Pa on the other hand was a very easygoing, agreeable man, to be in his early seventies; he was very energetic, and still a big man.
(Suggest: In his early seventies, Pa, on the other hand, was a very easygoing, agreeable man, and still a big man.)
All he wanted was; (no semi-colon here) peace and quiet and of course for everyone to leave Ma alone(.) as (As) long as Ma wasn't mad (,) he was fine, (.) if (If) they riled her up sooner or later (,) he was the one that had to pay for it.
After six years of being away (,) old man Taylor, (no comma here) still had never figured out a name for his saloon.
He recalled that the old man, (no comma here) was so cheap he attended to the bar himself (,) and Jasen knew better than to order whiskey from the man because it too was sure to be cheap and strong.
He bet if you drunk (drank) a whole bottle of it, the whiskey would burn a hole in your stomach.
Jasen went to the table to drink alone when he spotted a middle age (middle-aged) man looking at him.
The fellow nodded and then asked, "How about a game there (,) stranger?”
He looked at the guy and said (, "No, thanks.") “no thanks.”
Old Taylor looked up at Jasen and asked (, "Ain't you one of old man Weathers' boys?") "ain’t you one of old man Weathers boys?"
One loud mouth (loud-mouthed) guy laughed and said, "You better get out of here then (,) mister. Red, (no comma here) here is getting drunker by the minute and he hates all the Weathers."
Red turned around and looked at Jasen he said,” You’ll leave now".
(Suggest: Red turned around, looked at Jasen and said, "You'll leave now.")
Red’s hand went down to his gun and the man at the table said (, "Red, cool down. Jack ain't going to like you causing trouble and spoiling his plans.") "Red, cool down, Jack ain’t going to like you causing trouble and spoiling his plans.”
"We're leaving (,) Taylor.
Rising (,) Jasen nodded his understanding, (.) "Okay Taylor, Thanks (thanks) for the drink". (.")
No sooner had he stepped outside, (then) Red was there drawing on him.
Without even thinking about it he reached for his gun and put a 44 slug between Reds (Red's) eyes.
Red hadn't even been given the chance to level his gun fully at Jasen when he dropped to the ground with a hard thud, his eyes staring blankly, (no comma here) into the sky.
The brothers that lived on the land were William (,) the oldest (,) then Stuart (,) the next to the youngest who's (whose) wife, Lucille, was fixing to have a youngun anytime.
He was the Sheriff (sheriff) there (,) and he was no stranger to trouble, while Polly was the youngest daughter and she (,) along with Janet(,) ran the Hollom dress store.
Now all the brothers together was a bad tribe to mess with (,) but the worst to tangle with, (no comma here) was Jasen (.) he (He) was the middle child, whom (who) had made a name for himself and was a well known (well-known) lawman (. delete 'and') and if (If) anything would happen to anyone in that family, oh well, he felt sorry for that someone and knew it sure wouldn’t be him.
After the bath, (no comma here) and shave from the hotel (,) Jasen headed on (down) that familiar path heading (leading) to the Weathers (Weathers') farm, (a good ten miles from town.) it must be a good ten miles from town.
On the way there Jasen spotted a rider heading towards town (and loosened his guns a little, something that has kept him alive all these years.) Jasen loosened his guns a little, something that has kept him alive all these years.
The lawman looked at Jasen and introduced himself (. delete ' to Jasen') to Jasen. “I am Deputy Mead.” He asked Jasen (where he was going.) “where you heading?”
Jasen thought of the fort nearby, and told Mead (,)“I’m Jasen Weatherby, and I am heading towards the fort."
Mead being content with the strangers (stranger's) answer rode on towards town.
Jasen was encountered by about six riders coming up to him when a fine young man in his early 20s said “I was fixing to ask your business here, but I can tell your a Weathers.”
(Suggest: Six riders approached Jasen, and a fine young man in his early twenties said, "I was fixing to ask your business here, but I can tell you're a Weathers.")
Matt said (,) “yes (Yes)sir (,) and over there is Todd.” Jasen shook his head and said (,) “I know I have been gone to (too)long now (.) you (You) boys were knee high when I last saw you.”
Todd said, “Your (You're) Uncle Jasen. Aren’t you?”
Jasen smiled, “yes (Yes).”
Matt told the guys (,) “come (Come) on(,) lets get back to the farm and I’ll let Ma and Pa know your heading to mamaw’s house.”
Jasen rode on towards the farm when he heard a trigger pull back, (.) that (That) has always made a mans (man's) neck hairs stand up (, hearing a shotgun's trigger.) when you hear a shotguns trigger and then (Then) he heard Ma's voice (,) “supper (Supper) fixing to be ready if you want to stay, but if your (you're) looking for trouble I’ll bury you back on the top field with the rest.”
Pa was running out of the field and hollowing at Ma, “dad (Dad) burn it woman (,) can't you tell one of your own young’uns?”
Ma said (,) "Jasen it sure took you long enough."
Jasen rubbed his cheek and then quietly said (,) "I came as soon as you wrote me (,) Ma"
Ma slapped Jasen again and (and said,)she said "that (That) is for six years of worrying your mother; I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.”
Then she hugged him again (and said,) and she said “My Jasen, (no comma here) has become such a famous person,(.) every (Every) time Stephen or Michael sends me newspapers, there you are, fighting with your guns. Why don't you settle down and find yourself a wife and have a family. I swear Jasen (,) you’ll be the death of me yet.”
Ma kept rambling on (saying,) she said “Stephen and Michael will be getting here soon and Stuart will be here as soon as his work in his field is finished. But I wasn’t worried about the one's (ones) that are close; I wanted Stephen, Michael and you to hurry home in case we need some more gun power.”
Pa looked at Jasen and said (,) “I guess your (you're) wondering why your Ma wrote you (.),” he continued “about (About) 2 months ago I was plowing the upper field when I found something shiny in the ground and of course I stooped down to see what it was and saw it was silver, (.) so (So) then I came back to the house and fetched me a small bag and filled it up. Then Ma and I headed into town and that was when it started (.) Jack Timberwood’s gang was in town and Ma and I had to kill three of them before we got out of town.”
Then Ma said (,) “yep (Yep,) and we went to that good for nothing Sheriff Perry and we told him he needed to do something about those bandits, and of course the Sheriff (sheriff) promised he would check in (delete 'in') on it, but I believe he and Deputy Mead are in on it with this gang with (and) their stage robberies and holdups and their cattle rustling.”
Jasen asked (,) “what (What) about Buck Jones (,) the US Marshal for this area?”
Ma looked at Jasen and said (,) “what (What) about him? We can handle this ourselves and plus your (You're) the law in this family.”
Jasen tried to explain his position again, “Ma (,) this isn’t my territory (.) we (We) are all assigned different areas (.)
Jasen looked at Pa and said (,)"Pa talk to Ma about this (.) explain (Explain) to her that you can’t just go around shooting people,(.) this (This) is the 1850's. Do something!”
Ma was fit to be tied, (. She) she grabbed her wooden spoon and swung it at Jasen, but he was already out the door and running towards Lucky and heading out.
Jasen hollered back (,) “Ma I’m heading back into town to talk to the Sheriff (sheriff) and see what’s going on and please Ma, don't tell anyone I’m in town just yet (,) ok.(?) ”
Ma smiled and hollered at Jasen (,) “that’s (That's) my boy, (.) Jasen go get that good for nothing Sheriff (sheriff.), Oh (,) be home before dark (,) I have someone I want you to meet.”
Jasen waved bye and Ma said (,) “I mean it (,) Jasen.”
|
|