*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sashi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
606 Public Reviews Given
724 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- ... Next
226
226
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cute story, Elizabeth. I like the way Santa came to the mining town in a train. I can just picture all those excited children when the train arrived. *Delight*

Consider the following when editing:

The train had arrived to (at) the small coal miner town, where Christmas would not happen if it weren’t for the generous man we all called Santa.

I watched from my perch as my parents left and then ran to my closet (,) pulled my boots over teddy bear footed pajama’s {b(pajamas) and grabbed my coat, I was going on a mission.

I ran (,) took my sled and slid down the hill {}(,) making a quick decent.

“Santa” (,") I called to get his attention.

“What is a youngster like you doing out here in the cold,(?) shouldn’t (Shouldn't) you be in bed?” He (he) asked.

But first tell me you (your) name.”


227
227
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh...this is so emotional. I have tears in my eyes, Donni. It must have been so hard for you to write this. Just remember that Ching had a long and happy life with you. And now, she is no longer weak and in pain. I hope you have her in a place of honor at home now, where you can talk to her daily. I'm sure she hears you....

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
228
228
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
There was a lot of emotion in his story. The reader can feel the love you had for Ching. I thought her picture was adorable! Can't wait to read the next chapter....

I managed to cover the wound with gauze and a small band aid (bandaid) then re-did the whole dressing.

229
229
Review of The Snowman  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a great story! So well written... It said so much. I was glad to see Miss Collin got what was coming to her and so happy for Joshua. Good job! *Thumbsup*

He put his back into (it) and tried again—and again.

He hung there from the tree for a moment like a Christmas ornament (Great description!)

230
230
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I'm loving this story. It's nicely done, has very good descriptions and background info. on Ollie and Sara, and it's something that we, on writing.com, can relate to. I found it amusing that Ben thought the Storymaster was watching him. *Laugh* Good job! *Thumbsup*
231
231
Review of Lockdown!  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I must say that John was certainly a brave boy to do what he did. This story is very realistic, except for one thing. I found the fact that the police officer, who was not suppose to let anyone into the crime scene, let Sarah in when John said she could come in to be unrealistic. Seems to me John would have no say in who could enter the crime scene. *Confused*

This type of violence happens in schools too much lately. It was heartening to see that someone was brave enough to stop the would-be killer.

Consider the following when editing:

“Well, if I’m going to prison anyway, I might as well go for something (worthwhile) worth while,” the gunman said as he raised the gun to John’s heart.

He is really going to shoot me, (He is really going to shoot me,) John thought.

“Oh my God!” Mr. Clampet (said.) asked.

“What happened, John?” (no quotation marks here) Why did you have to be the hero? Why did you have to be the one that got shot?” Sarah asked rapidly.

“I know,” John replied. (") I don’t know what I would do without you, either. But we don’t have to worry about that; not for a very long time.”

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




232
232
Review of Prom Night  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a sad, emotional story... The accident and the result of it caught me by surprise. I liked the way John went to each class placing a rose on her desk. Good job! *Thumbsup*

She thought he had borrowed his mother’s car to take her out to (the) prom.

What could be better than going to (the) prom in a limo?

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

233
233
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was very inspirational and well written. There was a long struggle before completely surrendering to God. Funny how a simple phrase Bride of Christ can sometimes be the trigger that puts all the puzzle pieces in place. Good job! *Thumbsup*

*Star*REVIEWATON REVIEWER*Star*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
234
234
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Pull my thick, blonde hair into a pony tail,(ponytail) splash cold water onto my face and head out the door.

HA! I'll give him his friends, all right!
This was great! Good job, Tracy! And only two errors... Way to go!! *Thumbsup* Nice fast-paced story that hooked the reader right in.

(If this is her 'thought', it needs to be in italics)

All the houses are still dark. Most of the people in this neighborhood don't
have to be at work until around nine.(This beelongs on the previous line)

*Star*REVIEWATHON REVIEWER*Star*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

235
235
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well done... professional quality. You set the scene well for what is to follow. This read smoothly and held my attention to the end. I was wondering, though, where Lorelle had gone. Perhaps, I will find out in the next chapter. *Wink* WRITE ON!

“You’re needed right away (," the boy panted hastily) .” The boy panted hastily.

*Star*REVIEWATHON REVIEWER*Star*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
236
236
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this has potential, but it needs a lot of work. This first chapter didn't really hook me in. You need something that will make the reader want to keep reading to find out what happens next. On the other hand, you had some nice descriptive paragraphs in here, like the description of Lucky trying to get Jasen off his back the first time he rode him. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

You should use a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

It consisted of a general store, a couple of saloons, several hotels, and a very big delivery (Did you mean 'livery' stable?) stable, and then there was Ben’s Den, the oldest building in Iketown.

To the east corner of town, past the boarding house, was the Sheriff’s (sheriff's) office and next to that was his house.

He had sandy long hair to his shoulders.
(Suggest: He had long, sandy hair down to his shoulders.)

It had not been easy to ride the stallion at first (,) for (For) over an hour Lucky did everything in his power to get him off, (:) bucking, falling, trying to bite him, trying to slam him against the corral rails and even sliding up against it to obliterate the rider’s leg,(.) but it (It) seemed like the rider could sense what he was going to do and (was always sliding off the horse, moving his leg, or whatever it took to show the beast tat he was the one in control.) he was always there sliding off the horse, moving his leg or whatever it took to show this beast that he was the one in control.

The other thing the people would have noticed was Jasen’s well-oiled pearl handled (pearl-handled) twin 44s hanging at his hips, (;) there were no notches, nor (or) marks.

And you could plainly see (by) the way he carried himself (that he was not a man to be messed with.) , he was not a man to be messed with.

Ma in her late sixties (In her late sixties, Ma) was still very energetic and agile, and if you wanted Pa's support, it was well known that you wouldn't get it.

Pa on the other hand was a very easygoing, agreeable man, to be in his early seventies; he was very energetic, and still a big man.
(Suggest: In his early seventies, Pa, on the other hand, was a very easygoing, agreeable man, and still a big man.)

All he wanted was; (no semi-colon here) peace and quiet and of course for everyone to leave Ma alone(.) as (As) long as Ma wasn't mad (,) he was fine, (.) if (If) they riled her up sooner or later (,) he was the one that had to pay for it.

After six years of being away (,) old man Taylor, (no comma here) still had never figured out a name for his saloon.

He recalled that the old man, (no comma here) was so cheap he attended to the bar himself (,) and Jasen knew better than to order whiskey from the man because it too was sure to be cheap and strong.

He bet if you drunk (drank) a whole bottle of it, the whiskey would burn a hole in your stomach.

Jasen went to the table to drink alone when he spotted a middle age (middle-aged) man looking at him.

The fellow nodded and then asked, "How about a game there (,) stranger?”

He looked at the guy and said (, "No, thanks.") “no thanks.”

Old Taylor looked up at Jasen and asked (, "Ain't you one of old man Weathers' boys?") "ain’t you one of old man Weathers boys?"

One loud mouth (loud-mouthed) guy laughed and said, "You better get out of here then (,) mister. Red, (no comma here) here is getting drunker by the minute and he hates all the Weathers."

Red turned around and looked at Jasen he said,” You’ll leave now".
(Suggest: Red turned around, looked at Jasen and said, "You'll leave now.")

Red’s hand went down to his gun and the man at the table said (, "Red, cool down. Jack ain't going to like you causing trouble and spoiling his plans.") "Red, cool down, Jack ain’t going to like you causing trouble and spoiling his plans.”

"We're leaving (,) Taylor.

Rising (,) Jasen nodded his understanding, (.) "Okay Taylor, Thanks (thanks) for the drink". (.")

No sooner had he stepped outside, (then) Red was there drawing on him.

Without even thinking about it he reached for his gun and put a 44 slug between Reds (Red's) eyes.

Red hadn't even been given the chance to level his gun fully at Jasen when he dropped to the ground with a hard thud, his eyes staring blankly, (no comma here) into the sky.

The brothers that lived on the land were William (,) the oldest (,) then Stuart (,) the next to the youngest who's (whose) wife, Lucille, was fixing to have a youngun anytime.

He was the Sheriff (sheriff) there (,) and he was no stranger to trouble, while Polly was the youngest daughter and she (,) along with Janet(,) ran the Hollom dress store.

Now all the brothers together was a bad tribe to mess with (,) but the worst to tangle with, (no comma here) was Jasen (.) he (He) was the middle child, whom (who) had made a name for himself and was a well known (well-known) lawman (. delete 'and') and if (If) anything would happen to anyone in that family, oh well, he felt sorry for that someone and knew it sure wouldn’t be him.

After the bath, (no comma here) and shave from the hotel (,) Jasen headed on (down) that familiar path heading (leading) to the Weathers (Weathers') farm, (a good ten miles from town.) it must be a good ten miles from town.

On the way there Jasen spotted a rider heading towards town (and loosened his guns a little, something that has kept him alive all these years.) Jasen loosened his guns a little, something that has kept him alive all these years.

The lawman looked at Jasen and introduced himself (. delete ' to Jasen') to Jasen. “I am Deputy Mead.” He asked Jasen (where he was going.) “where you heading?”

Jasen thought of the fort nearby, and told Mead (,)“I’m Jasen Weatherby, and I am heading towards the fort."

Mead being content with the strangers (stranger's) answer rode on towards town.

Jasen was encountered by about six riders coming up to him when a fine young man in his early 20s said “I was fixing to ask your business here, but I can tell your a Weathers.”
(Suggest: Six riders approached Jasen, and a fine young man in his early twenties said, "I was fixing to ask your business here, but I can tell you're a Weathers.")

Matt said (,) “yes (Yes)sir (,) and over there is Todd.” Jasen shook his head and said (,) “I know I have been gone to (too)long now (.) you (You) boys were knee high when I last saw you.”
Todd said, “Your (You're) Uncle Jasen. Aren’t you?”
Jasen smiled, “yes (Yes).”

Matt told the guys (,) “come (Come) on(,) lets get back to the farm and I’ll let Ma and Pa know your heading to mamaw’s house.”

Jasen rode on towards the farm when he heard a trigger pull back, (.) that (That) has always made a mans (man's) neck hairs stand up (, hearing a shotgun's trigger.) when you hear a shotguns trigger and then (Then) he heard Ma's voice (,) “supper (Supper) fixing to be ready if you want to stay, but if your (you're) looking for trouble I’ll bury you back on the top field with the rest.”

Pa was running out of the field and hollowing at Ma, “dad (Dad) burn it woman (,) can't you tell one of your own young’uns?”

Ma said (,) "Jasen it sure took you long enough."

Jasen rubbed his cheek and then quietly said (,) "I came as soon as you wrote me (,) Ma"

Ma slapped Jasen again and (and said,)she said "that (That) is for six years of worrying your mother; I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.”

Then she hugged him again (and said,) and she said “My Jasen, (no comma here) has become such a famous person,(.) every (Every) time Stephen or Michael sends me newspapers, there you are, fighting with your guns. Why don't you settle down and find yourself a wife and have a family. I swear Jasen (,) you’ll be the death of me yet.”

Ma kept rambling on (saying,) she said “Stephen and Michael will be getting here soon and Stuart will be here as soon as his work in his field is finished. But I wasn’t worried about the one's (ones) that are close; I wanted Stephen, Michael and you to hurry home in case we need some more gun power.”

Pa looked at Jasen and said (,) “I guess your (you're) wondering why your Ma wrote you (.),” he continued “about (About) 2 months ago I was plowing the upper field when I found something shiny in the ground and of course I stooped down to see what it was and saw it was silver, (.) so (So) then I came back to the house and fetched me a small bag and filled it up. Then Ma and I headed into town and that was when it started (.) Jack Timberwood’s gang was in town and Ma and I had to kill three of them before we got out of town.”

Then Ma said (,) “yep (Yep,) and we went to that good for nothing Sheriff Perry and we told him he needed to do something about those bandits, and of course the Sheriff (sheriff) promised he would check in (delete 'in') on it, but I believe he and Deputy Mead are in on it with this gang with (and) their stage robberies and holdups and their cattle rustling.”

Jasen asked (,) “what (What) about Buck Jones (,) the US Marshal for this area?”

Ma looked at Jasen and said (,) “what (What) about him? We can handle this ourselves and plus your (You're) the law in this family.”
Jasen tried to explain his position again, “Ma (,) this isn’t my territory (.) we (We) are all assigned different areas (.)

Jasen looked at Pa and said (,)"Pa talk to Ma about this (.) explain (Explain) to her that you can’t just go around shooting people,(.) this (This) is the 1850's. Do something!”

Ma was fit to be tied, (. She) she grabbed her wooden spoon and swung it at Jasen, but he was already out the door and running towards Lucky and heading out.

Jasen hollered back (,) “Ma I’m heading back into town to talk to the Sheriff (sheriff) and see what’s going on and please Ma, don't tell anyone I’m in town just yet (,) ok.(?)
Ma smiled and hollered at Jasen (,) “that’s (That's) my boy, (.) Jasen go get that good for nothing Sheriff (sheriff.), Oh (,) be home before dark (,) I have someone I want you to meet.”
Jasen waved bye and Ma said (,) “I mean it (,) Jasen.”















237
237
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another good one, J. Cute and unique storyline.

She decided to try the more difficult approach from a complete standstill under the limb up on to it.
(Awkward sentence. Perhaps... 'to get up on it.')

Under the gate to the side yard, around the house through the back yard (backyard), up to the fence on the other side of the house, and back to the front yard they run. (It might be better if you put 'they run' at the beginning of the sentence.)

WRITE ON!
238
238
Review of Lake Wickaboag  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
I just had to read this one since I am from New England. *Smile* I must say you described our corner of the world very well! Such wonderful childhood memories, eh? LOL...and I remember those 'submarine races' as a teen. *Delight* Good job... WRITE ON!

During the years I was growing up, the townspeople made many changes to the beach and surrounding landscaping (landscape,) trying to update it according to changing tastes, but the lake itself stayed forever the same.


239
239
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You did a good job on this, Lee. A very interesting story and written well. I must say the ending caught me by surprise. *Shock*

Some things to consider when editing:

Wide eyed (wide-eyed) grins of astonished delight are fixed on their ageless faces.

A small thin woman in a cheap coat and bad hair walks behind a large headed (large-headed) boy of about six.

The boy’s unblinking water-blue eyes stare challengingly, as if daring his observer to realise how unsettling his features are. (,) Vernon realises.

“Joel Hoey” (,) mumbles the boy.

"Have you been a good boy (,) Joel?” asks Vernon.

The elves are industriously ignoring Vernon as he tousles the hair of yet another awe struck (awestruck) child in a fatherly gesture of farewell.

In the staff washroom of the store he gingerly takes of (off) the wig (,) being careful not to re-open the wounds on his head (,) and begins to remove the now odorous red coat and pants.

He hears the heavy rapid thud (of) someone running toward him.

A motion sensitive (motion-sensitive) light flicks on to reveal the silhouette of a big man in red with a white beard.

WRITE ON!

240
240
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good going, Mom5! This was adorable! A story children are sure to love. WRITE ON!

One day while David was looking at the night sky which was filled with stars, he thought to himself, "I wish that I could fly...up, up, up in the sky and take my tractor with me."
(Suggest: One night while David was looking at the star-filled sky, he thought, "I wish I could fly...up, up, up in the sky and take my tractor with me.")

241
241
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this very interesting. I would have thought it'd be a fear of drowning, but as I can see, I was wrong. But it makes sense, the floating, the lack of control in the water. It's a strange feeling, to be sure, and one that takes some getting used to. I congratulate you on mastering your fear!
242
242
Review of Look to His Like  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very cohesive writing. It flowed well, and the dialogue was realistic. This is a good beginning chapter. You set the scene for future chapters: co-worker declares she's gay since she never talks of boyfriends, and that their clients would never accept a 'gay' partner in the firm; Jo wants that partnership, so decides to go husband-hunting. You can build the story in future chapters easily from this, and I look forward to seeing how the story progresses.

WRITE ON!
243
243
Review of Charlie  
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This story flowed well. Poor child! It's difficult for young children to understand death...to understand that it's permanent. You painted a very realistic picture of how confused the child was. Such a sad story....

Consider the following when editing:

I loved Charlie with all of my heart, or at least as much heart as a six year old (six-year-old) can give.

He was a beautiful dog with the characteristic narrow nose and gold and white coat, short lets (legs) and a tail that waved as a flag following him.

He had gotten into my grandpa’s fishing fear (gear) and swallowed a hook.

He knows (knew) he was cute, and used it the fullest advantage.

I didn’t fully understand until I traveled to my grandparents; (no semi-colon here) house a few months later (.) I was so excited, I was going to get to play with Charlie!

As soon as the car pulled into the driveway, I was out and b0unding (bounding) up the steps to my grandparents’ front door.

Write On!
244
244
Review of Seconds  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You paint this man's state of confusion well. However, I am left wondering where this man is, how he came to be there, and whether he will ever be freed.

Some things to consider when editing:

I remember receiving a fax at nine eighteen (nine-eighteen) the same morning instructing me to attend a meeting at twelve thirty (twelve-thirty) regarding a possible merger with a new buyer.

Every eighteen thousand seconds two thuds can be heard at the bottom of my cell as I receive an unlabeled bottle of water and two slices of bread packed with a paste like (paste-like) substance that I do not recognise, it resembles walnuts and fish.

The counter is now marked at seven hundred and seventy seven (seventy-seven) thousand, six hundred and sixty; nine days since I awoke here.

One million, one hundred and twenty three (twenty-three) thousand, two hundred seconds have passed.
245
245
Review of Dying Day  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting story. I take it the symbolism at the end with the mirror, meant the man was a reflection of himself? I'm a bit confused about the title of this "Dying Day". Or did I miss something here? Did the man in the restaurant die?

Some things to consider when editing:

He stood on that corner for what seemed like forever, (;) it wasn’t a bus stop, maybe he had called a taxi.

He kept standing there when the first drops of rain fell from the dark evening sky, as the wind picked up, I saw the tree's wave and whip through the air. The man was now soaking wet but he didn’t flinch, the drizzle became a soft pounding, and the frizzy black hair under his baseball hat dripped from the rain water.
(Suggest: He kept standing there when the first drops of rain fell from the dark evening sky. As the wind picked up, I saw the trees wave and whip in the air. The man was now soaking wet, but he didn't flinch. The drizzle became a soft pounding, and the frizzy black hair under his baseball cap dripped with rainwater.)

The rain picked up into a slight tapping to (on) the window, which made me think that the man would probably hunt for shelter soon.

I looked at the families, and the kids, and the ceiling . . . until I could bear it no longer, ).) I glanced outside the window to see the man, to see if he still was standing in the rain, waiting for something that was taking a long time to arrive...

He was there, (;) he looked as if he hadn’t moved a muscle, (.) his (His) clothes looked as if they got (had gotten) heavier and more cumbersome.

I felt warm and uneasy, (;) the blood in my veins seemed to have started to pump faster, in the (delete 'the') tune with the beat of my quiet pounding.

I was halfway through the meal, when I glance (glanced) outside to the corner where the man was, (.) He was gone.

The rain was coming down harder now, and I supposed there would be flash flood warnings or something on the news when I get (got) home.

I stared out to the corner for sometime longer, almost thinking it was impossible for the Stranger (stranger) to have disappeared.

I felt nothing for some reason, no feeling in my legs or mind, (;) I felt hollow.

I saw the man as I drifted to sleep, (Did he drift off to sleep in the restaurant?? you didn't mention that he left it.)

Not the part of the picture, not the message being portrayed (,) they were just scenery.

I stared at the man, (;) he was the only one in the room that seemed to actually be there.

He reached into a pocket of his jacket, (, spraying rainwater on my face. I didn't say anything.) it sprayed some rain water on my face, I didn’t say anything.

He walked closer to me, his clothes dripped from the rain water (rainwater.)

I heard what seemed to be voices in the scenery (that sounded urgent to me, but all urgency left me.) , it sounded urgent to me, but all urgency left me.

Than (Then) all at once I understood. . . I knew.





246
246
Review of Dark  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
You paint a concise picture of someone slowly coming back to consciousness. The fact that she counts (to keep the demons away) using fibonacci sequences tells us she is older than a mere child, and that she is intelligent. Very descriptive writing. Write On!
247
247
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this story. It brings back memories of my own days as a student in a catholic grammar school. Those nuns certainly believed in corporal punishment! Poor Eugene... all he wanted was to go to the bathroom. On the plus side, though, he did end up realizing there was no such machine, which eased the fear of such a thing. The nuns' bluff was called...

I noticed that many sentences, mainly dialogue I think, are missing puncuation at the end. You might want to fix those when you edit.

WRITE ON!!!

248
248
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
My first impression, as I began to read, was it seemed a typical story...there was nothing to hook me into it, nothing to grab my attention. A guy went to the dentist--big deal. However, once this guy got home was a different story. A Nazi dentist? That grabbed my attention. I'm still not sure about the ending, though. The brush steamed up??

I think there is the potential here for a longer story. However, I would put a hook in the beginning of story to keep readers' attention.

Some things to watch for when editing:

Brett was the complete opposite of copasetic at the end of that last sentence, (;) he began to dart his eyes around quickly and (take labored breaths.) began to take labored breaths.

He wanted to scream out and tell them to stop but before he could get himself to say anything (,) the mask was securely on his face and he quickly began to feel sleepy.

He was now perfectly awake as the gas had worn off at least an hour before he left the doctors (doctor's) office.

Brett woke merrily and as he showered (,) he ran through a mental list of all the things he had to do that day.

As he stood in front of the TV putting on his tie he was going over a new algorithm for tracing net connections when a news story caught his attention. (Suggest: As he stood in front of the TV putting on his tie and going over a new algorithm for tracing net connections, a news story caught his attention.) The man they were showing on the news looked an awful lot like the dentist he had gone to. What was his name he thought to himself, Schrader came to mind and was confirmed correct by the news anchor. (Thoughts should be italicized. What was his name? he wondered.) He was pleased to have remembered the name, he was however very unpleased to hear the rest of the news story.

Gerhard Schrader was a dentists (dental) apprentice in the SS who did horrible experiments on the Jews.

Schrader was tracked down earlier this week by the self titled (self-titled) group (Der Jager) Der Jager, a militant group that search (searches) for escaped Nazi officers.

Marina came into the bedroom to call Brett for breakfast, as she walked through the door she was taken aback by the grim expression on her husbands face. (Awkward sentence. Perhaps something like this: As Marina walked into the bedroom to call Brett for breakfast, she was taken aback by the grim expression on her husband's face.)

“What’s the matter, honey?” Marina asked with a sullen tone (,) half expecting Brett to start gripping his chest any second in the panic like (panic-like)expression of having a heart attack.
(This dialogue should be in a separate paragraph.)

She shook him slightly (,) trying to look into his now drooping eyes (,) and began to ask in a more panicked voice, “Tell me what is wro…”

Brett paused and swiveled his head back to the TV (,) making sure that (delete 'that') it was on and that he had heard correctly.

Without turning his head back towards her (,) he spoke again, “The Dentist (dentist), he was just on the news. They said he was some kind of… of a Nazi. Some kind of an escaped Nazi officer. They raided his office. He was, I mean they were looking for him about some war time {b }(war-time)
atrocities.

As Brett began to speak of his visit to the dentist’s office (,) her mind raced back to two weeks ago, (.) she (She) pictured the waiting room of the dentist’s office and her daughter Christine, sitting quietly in her stroller waiting for her appointment.

She clearly saw the face of the dentist as he leaned down and looked into the mouth of her daughter, at a tooth that was loose and paining her. (Consider this: She clearly saw the dentist's face as he leaned down to look into her daughter's mouth at a tooth that was loose and paining her.)

She was startled back to the present as the most recent words from her terror filled (terror-filled) husband resounded insider (inside)her head, (.) “What if he did something to me, while I was under?”

The brush tumbled head-over-stem from his hand and landed in the center of the sink (.) splattering globs of the toothpaste all over the sink.


248 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sashi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10