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Review of The Baby Monitor  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story gave me the chills. Very well written and riveting... My eyes were glued to the monitor right to the end. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

The soft waves of static were low enough though that Sarah could here (hear) Baby John’s soft snore while he napped.

Velcro was a new skill and Sarah’s three year old (three-year-old) daughter was ecstatic to have finally mastered it.

Out here in boondocks, forty five (forty-five) minutes from the closest real city, there just weren’t that many options.

This house sat on a five acre (five-acre) parcel and her nearest neighbors were both seventy.

“Momma, don’t open the door(,") .” The (the) child said again.

Sarah couldn’t (breathe) breath.

She had not even voted for the eventual winner, she had chosen the woman out (of) some random gender solidarity.

She blinked and looked away from the Deputy’s (deputy's) too considerate eyes.

“That’s my son’s name(,") .” She (she) said, hesitant.

“Momma, don’t open the door(,") .” The (the) child on the monitor said.

“No please, don’t answer the door(,") .” Sarah whispered out, feeling dizzy.

“Sarah(,") .” He (he) said softly.

Is it happening about the same time each day?” He (he) asked softly.

“Around one(,") .” She (she) said. (") I’ll fix lunch(.") ?”

Amanda looked up from her coloring book(,) her bright eyes seeming more blue than usual.

Sarah couldn’t (breathe) breath.

“Momma, don’t open the door(,") .” Amanda said again from doorway to the kitchen.

“Oh, let me move it. Should I just put it here?” He (he) said, gripping the sides and starting to nudge past her.

You better clear off(,") .” She (she) shouted, half sobbing (half-sobbing) through the door.

She also wondered why had (he) had taken the box with him.


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Review of Angels  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, it seems God has become disallusioned with mankind... starting with Americans, it seems. New York is in for another surprise, much worse than the WTC tragedy. God has ordered an apocalypse. Why? Because governments, monarches and people who run themselves are an obstruction to humanity in His eyes.

Now Josh (aka Jophiel) has been sent to Earth to join up with several other angels to carry out God's plan for unsuspecting New York residents. God chose NY first, because he considered it the root of all evil in the supposedly 'moral' country of the United States. Josh is having second thoughts about carrying out God's plan, and a voice that keeps telling him to follow what's in his heart leads Josh to conclude that God will destroy every ounce of faith left in the human race by carrying out his plan on Easter. (If any humans survive, that is.)

Will Josh carry out God's plan...or not? The ending will definitely catch the reader by surprise! Did evil save the people of New york and the human race? *Laugh* I'm not telling... you'll have to read this story to find out.

This story was well choreographed.

Consider the following when editing:

They got full and he bent over and brought the small puddle of water to his face; )(,) repeating the motion several times before reaching for a jet black (jet-black) hand towel.

His breath was quick and his eyes glowing (glowed) a golden color for a moment before fading back into a lonely gray.

he could smell the bitter sweet (bittersweet) liquid as it poured from the gash he created.

He let his eyes stray off the shadow and onto the digital alarm clock again. 3:50AM. (Timeline: he got up and went to the bathroom at 2:10am and sat on the bed at 3:50am... he was in the bathroom for an hour and forty minutes??)

Pulling the drawer open he reached in and grabbed what ever (whatever) his hand found first and yanked it out, throwing it over his shoulder.

Deep down, a human was no smarter than an ape and (that reason alone led God toward this final battle.) for that reason alone led God toward this final battle.

No one was around, which was strange(,) but it didn’t seem to bother him much.

His eyes became wide and muscles tense (and his muscles tensed) as the shadowy figure approached him.

He wasn’t sure if he was really blind or (if) it was just extremely twilight.

He noticed that the sun was starting (to) shine an orange color in the sky.

Not sure who or what the figure was(,) he just pushed the moment into the back of his head, hoping it (would stay there and not resurface.) to stay there and not resurface.

Josh would always come in here around this time and watch the humans before they }(their) day got busy and they all turned into rotten, pushy and easily-irritated people.

Feeling the man’s eyes on him, Josh just continued to stare at the checkered tile which (that) made up the counter.

The sensation went away quickly as always and he brought the cup to his lips, sipped some, and placed it back down; (,) his eyes never leaving the counter.

The little bell made a noise, telling everyone in the diner that someone has (had) entered.

Josh could only see blonde hair and white skin with a brownish tent (tint) to it.

Her hair was pulled back into a messy, unkempt pony-tail (ponytail) and she was wearing a dark blue T-Shirt, (T-shirt) with matching jacket, and a few little black bracelets on her wrists.

“Do you mind if I…join you?” He (he) asked a bit hesitantly.

Her eyes trialed (trailed) over him from top to bottom and then back to the top; shaking her head(,) she motioned for him to take a seat across from her.

He turned his attention to her and was about to speak but she beat him to (it) is.

“What do you want?” She (she) asked, not lifting her eyes from the paper; her voice cold and stern.

“I need to tell you something important...if you’ll listen(,") .” He (he) said slowly, trying to figure out what compelled him to say those words.

“Humor me(,") .” She (she) said placing her elbows on the table and lacing her fingers together in order to give her chin a resting place.

The blood and gash was (were) gone, not even a scar remained.

He decided it was time to just tell her; her, a complete stranger that he met not five minutes ago.
(Suggest: He decided it was time to just tell her, a complete stranger that he met only five minutes ago.)

You seriously need to stop thinking of yourself so highly(,") .” She (she) said placing her hands on the table.

Right?” she (She) grinned and raised her eyebrows.

Josh didn’t say anything and looked at the empty space of the booth she was sitting (in) on.

Your room is number 325 and you hide your spare key under the flower pot (outside of your room.") on the outside your room.”

“Elizabeth, will you please stop?” he asked weaving in and out of people while still remaining at her (heels) heals.

“You can’t avoid me forever(,) Elizabeth.

I know where you live(,) remember?” he said finally as they turned down an alley, away from the crowd at last.

He’s been with you since the day you were born(,") .” Josh said simply, as if it was just a normal thing to talk about.

You can’t see him because your mind is of a lower plane(,) .” He (he) explained as her expression turned from annoyance and frustration to a this-guy-is-crazy kind of look.

Either she did hear him or she was stopping to tease him; which ever (whichever) it was(,) she looked back at him.

“Leave me alone. I don’t want you near me ever again(,) .” She (she) growled and turned her head forward and began to walk again.

There was a huge flapping noise, like a flock of birds just flew over head (overhead) and she turned back; he was gone.

Elizabeth knelt down and picked up a farley (fairly) large, white feather.

Her finger brushed over it gently as she looked up out of the alley toward the gray-tented (gray-tinted) sky.

“Could he have been telling the truth?” She (she) trailed off then stood and put the feather in her jacket pocket(. She walked out of the alley.), then walked out of the alley.

“So here you are(,) Jophiel.

I thought I felt your presence in this section of this miserable little city(,") .” Someone (someone) said from behind Josh.

“Gabriel…” Josh growled in a most unpleased (unpleasant) manner.

Remember, I am of a higher rank then (than) you(,) my dear friend(,") .” Gabriel said holding up his hand.

“You are still just an archangel to me, which makes us the same(,) you lying piece of-“

“Stop…calling me that(,") .” Josh managed to say through his teeth, trying to hide the unbearable feeling of total anger.

I just thought I’d tell you the meeting sight (site,") .” He (he) said, his sliver (silver) wings expanding out.

his eyes were barely open from the glare he was giving the blonde haired (blond-haired) angel.

Good (hygiene) Hygiene?” Gabriel snickered.

It taught me to that no one ever got anywhere being stuck up (stuck-up) and self-righteous!” Josh yelled(,) his anger now showing.

Josh stumbled to the side of the building, catching the edge quickly (and) saving himself from a long drop.

You have gotten yourself into quite the situation(,) haven’t you?

My my my…quite the situation(,) .” Gabriel said, his lips forming a smile of complete enjoyment.

“If I let go not only will my cover be blown but your (yours) will as well!

“Are you doing…the right…think (thing)?” it said, fading in and out as it asked.

He visions (vision) was blurry, like he was in a thick fog or smoke.

Forget what everyone else says, take control and fight for what you believe is justifiable(," the voice said.) .” The voice said.

“Eliza…beth?” Josh whispered, opening his eyes a bit(,) then completely as the (they) adjusted (to the light.) ; blurry for a minute then clear.

“Sh…Don’t talk(,") .” She (she) said(.) , “I would say you are lucky to be alive but that wouldn’t be fair (accurate) since you technically aren’t living.”

I think you hurt the car more then (than) the car hurt you(,") .” She (she) said with a slight giggle.

The ambulance came and took you here shortly after the (they) confirmed you were alive.”

It was on the news(,") .” She (she) said straightforwardly.

“Josh(,") .” He (he) said reaching over and grabbing the IV needle he had in his left arm.

I don’t feel pain(,") .” He (he) said getting ready to sit up.
(Note: A comma is required before the quote mark before the tagline, and the tag begins with a lowercase letter unless it is a name. Check the story and change where needed.)

“I…have a few questions I’d like to ask you. If you don’t mind answering them that is.”
(I...have a few questions I'd like to ask, if you don't mind that is.")

Her voice was barely audio able (audible) , but he heard.

She had a small kitchen}(,) which was located to the right of the main door.

Such thoughts are enough to get you into a heap of trouble. He thought loudly in his mind.
(Italicize thoughts. Such thoughts are enough to get you into a heap of trouble, he thought loudly in his mind.)

Her eyes got wide as that simple motion lead (led) her to the conclusion that this city was going to be the first to go in God’s Revolution against all humans.

She clenches (clenched) her fists so tight (tightly) that her nails dig (dug) into her (palms.) palm.

Josh continued to looks (look) out the window, his voice (a) monotone as he answers. (answered,) “He wants to destroy New York first because he thinks that this is the root of most of the evil in the supposedly moral country of the United States.

“All I can tell you is that he wants to (delete 'to') humans to prove themselves worthy of living in his kingdom after they die.

She sat there and opened her hand to look at (the) little crescent shaped (crescent-shaped) indents on her palm.

I mean you can talk to Him(,) can’t you?” She (she) asked standing.

“There has to be someway (some way) to stop this…There just has to be.”

She nodded; a bit annoyed that he is (was) just going to leave without anymore (any more) information about why he wants her to meet him at Ground Zero.

She waited a few seconds then ran over to the door, flung (flinging) it open to see an empty hallway.

He had received the meeting point while he was talking to her and decided to leave so he wouldn’t reveal to (too) much to her at one time.

So, God is going to start the assault on the day His son came back to life. Josh thought as he walked slowly back to his place.
(So, God is going to start the assault on the day His son came back to life, Josh thought as he walked slowly back to his place.)

They will think that Christ has rose (risen) again to liberate them, but what they will fail to realize is that the “liberation” is really a crusade to end their lives.

If (Is) he really this determined to prove them a pack of animals?”

He found himself breathing hard and heard (the faint noise of a siren in the background.) a faint noise in the background; a siren.

He made his way to the top of the pile as quickly as he could without causing a while (wild?) heap of rocks to fall on top of him.

He brushed himself off the looked up; (,) his eyes instantly getting wide.

He saw a very familiar sight; (,) his popcorn ceiling.

It was all just a dream. He thought to himself as he sat up and noticed he had fallen off the bed onto the floor.
(It was all just a dream, he thought as he sat up and noticed he had fallen off the bed onto the floor.)

He has (had) thirty minutes to get to the meeting place.

He bents (bent) over and grasped the bottom of the window; then lifted.

His eye caught something moving(,) then he noticed it was a person.

“We have company(,) boys.

He grabbed her by the throat and squeezed his hand, not quite crushing her (windpipe.) wind pipe.

The war we are about (to) start is going to be meaningless.

He was no more then (than) a few inches away from Gabriel’s face.

“What are you going to do when you are done torching this world and all this (that) live in it?

The next thing Josh saw was stars; Gabriel punched him in the temple and sent the black haired (black-haired) boy on a one way (one-way) flight into a pile of rubble.

You have forsaken yourself(,) Jophiel.

He couldn’t hold it any longer; he let out an ear piercing (ear-piercing) scream and released all his power with a blinding flash of light.

The power that Lucifer had added to Josh’s severed the eight angel’s (angels') bodies into small chunks of flesh, bone, and blood soaked (blood-soaked) feathers.

Her finger pressed the keys on the key board (keyboard) diligently, entering her final phrase.

Something soft brushed her finger tips (fingertips) and she pulled it out; (,) a white feather.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story for children. It shows them what can happen if they go off alone.

A comma and quote marks are needed before a tagline.


“ Your (You're) out here by yourself too(,) . “ Fluffy argued.

“ Don’t worry little one I won’t eat (you) up. You look lost(.), where’s (Where's) your mommy and daddy?” She (she) asked him.

Fluffy liked the feeling of flying(.) it (It) was very neat to watch all the little animals from above, and feel the night wind brush through his fur.

“ Now here you are, your (you're) home where you belong. Now what have you learned?” She (she) asked him.


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Review of The Takeaway  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great opening paragraph! Hooked me right in.... However, it wasn't what I had expected. Instead we see a man who's grieving over the lost of his wife, a man who must go on alone, working in his restaurant. His loss is deeply felt.

You give the reader a glimpse of the different cultures when Hui compares marriages in our country with those in his country. There is a lack of mutual respect between people in this country. It was interesting to read what he thought about relationships here.

Although I felt his pain of losing a loved one throughout the story, it was still a shock at the end when I discovered what he kept in the freezer with the food. *Shock*

Well written. *Thumbsup*


They had not decided to leave for any (delete 'any') political reasons like so many others.

In fact, his family were (was) quite wealthy(,) and they enjoyed a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice history of the Irish immigrants from when the left Ireland, the hardships they faced getting to America, and the trials and tribulations they encountered once they arrived. They had a strong religious background in Catholicism, and an undaunting strength to survive in their new land. By sheer willpower, they etched their mark in American history, as is evident in the election of John Kennedy as the 35th President. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:


Starved, weak children clung to equally starving parents or siblings(,) to (too) hungry and cold to cry or fuss.

Famine and death descended upon the land of Ireland like a Biblical plague sweeping over the potato crops and kissing them with soft dewy like (dewy-like) mold(,) destroying the main staple food of the Irish.

Others scrapped (scraped) what strength they had left and headed to the Land of Plenty.

The bowls of the ship where they were crowded together was hot, windowless, lacked sanitation, ventilation and exploded with bacteria, disease and still, there was not enough food or water.
(Consider this: The bowels of the ship, where they were crowded together, was hot, windowless, lacked sanitation and ventilation, and exploded with bacteria and disease. And there was still not enough food or water.)

Those who died were tossed over board (overboard) without a second thought.

New York and Boston were the main ports the immigrants first stepped on American soil.
(Suggest: The immigrants first stepped foot on American soil at the main ports in New York and Boston.)

Boston(,) at the time(,) was a predominately puritan (Puritan) city now (delete 'now') being over run (over-run) by Roman Catholics and many feared this to be a plot between the Pope and the Irish to over take (overtake) the United States and convert the nation to Catholicism (Peck, 1988 p.12).

Arch Bishop John Hughes, fearing the same kind of violent outbreak in New York(,) dropped in on the Mayor and firmly told the Mayor (him) that if even one of the Roman Catholic churches in the city was harmed then the Irish would see to it that the entire city of Manhattan burned.

It was in the hot, dog days of summer, in July of 1863 when tempers were at the prickliest (It was in the hot dog-days of summer in July of 1863, when tempers were at their prickliest,) that once again the Irish and Blacks clashed in deadly force(,) resulting in eighteen Blacks beaten and murdered and over five million dollars of property damage in the city (The History Place 2000).

In such unsanitary conditions cholera and disease infested these cramped communities and was rare for children born in this time to reach their sixth birthday and those who immigrated rarely lived longer than six or seven years after reaching America (Peck 1988).
(Consider this: Such unsanitary conditions in these cramped communities bred diseases such as cholera, and it was rare for children born at this time to reach their sixth birthday. The immigrants rarely lived longer than six or seven years after reaching America. (Peck 1988)

Soldiers who returned who once toiled in backbreaking jobs such as building the railroads, canals and coal mining, gave way to more skilled labor of running factories, holding political offices, and many using skills they had in the military found positions in the police and fire departments.
(Suggest: Returning soldiers, who once toiled in backbreaking jobs such as building railroads and canals or mining coal, now ran factories, held politcal office, or found positions in the police and fire departments.)

The Irish have a deep love of news and current evens (events) and many newspapers popped up (all) over the cities where the Irish were fanning out and re-settling.

Their ultimate victory rested on the great grandson of a potato farmer(,) Patrick Kennedy(,) who immigrated to the US from the Mother land in 1849.

The great grandson, John Fitzgereld (Fitzgerald) Kennedy(,) became the first Roman Catholic to take the reigns of the United States of America’s White House when elected as the 35th president.

They hiked up their skirts, rolled up their sleeves and pulled themselves up by their boot straps (bootstraps) and whipped butt.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can feel your pain. It is never easy on the children when parents divorce. Just don't blame yourself for their divorce like some children do. It wasn't your fault. They both still love you, even though they are no longer together.


It's not there (their) lives.
It's not there (their) mess.

Wonderng (wondering) if it was really possible for me to forget about you.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This seemed too mechanical, just a stating of facts and actions. I couldn't relate to the characters. They seemed shallow. I liked the idea of a flying rabbit and the name BunBun. *Delight* And the cat weapon was rather unique. Near the end, I thought Seamus had lost the war due to his chocolate addiction, but he rallied in the end.

Consider the following when editing:

There is a comma at the end of dialogue and quote marks before the tag line. Check story and fix where needed.

“That should teach you a lesson for your crimes against the leader, scum. Goodbye(,").” the dog said, and he left.

Then he passed out in to a deep sleep.
(Suggest: Then he passed out.)

C’mon(,) old Joe!

He buried the horse and said a few prayers.
(It must have taken quite awhile to bury a horse! Did he have digging tools with him???)

“That didn’t sound like a twig,” He (he) thought(.) to himself.

In short, Seamus barely live (lived) without chocolate.

“Owch!” Ouch)

“C’mon Bunbun, let’s fly!” He (he) shouted.

Fughting (Fighting) bravely(, he soon tired and stopped for a second.) . He soon tired and stopped for a second.

It all went black.
(What went black??)

Everywhere were giant snow capped (snow-capped) mountains.

It stared at him with interest, and called in a gruff voice(,). “Who BARK are you?”

Seamus thought of a resposne (response) , and finally said, “ I am Seamus of The Great Plains.

Finnaly (Finally), Loter stood up.

Seamus stood up, and said in a faltering voice(,). “Well, I’m kind’ve (kind of) lost.”

Goodbye, Savior!” Called (called) Loter.

You already have the dog men (Dog-Men's) support and tales of your journey have galvanized your people.

“Wow,” Seamus said, “That’s (that's) an amazing cat.”

Nice meeting you(,) Yetel.”

His eyes were blue and his ears were pointy, but only stubletly. (stubletly?)

He went to sleep that night, as hungury (hungry) for chocolate as ever before in his life.

Bunbun was dressed in armor, and he hopped on the rabbit’s saddle.
(Where did the rabbit's saddle come from? I don't recall you mentioning it had a saddle before.)

The human and elvish army (armies) were at the Sionilli River now, and Seamus could barely see the dog men (Dog-Men's) army.

There was a giant mosh (What is 'mosh of people'?) of people, blood everywhere, and the sounds of metal clashing.

He was soon surronded (surrounded) by dogs.

“THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE!” creamed (screamed) Seamus, and was about to pull the cats (cat's) tail, but he stopped short.

“Oh sweet mercy,” he said, and fell to his knees and dropped the (cat) cats.

Spot said, “Do you remember your dog(,) Seamus?

Suddenly Bunbun and three soldiers, dog man (dog-man) , man and elf, crashed through the tower and surronded (surrounded) Spot.

The soldiers had caused a distratction (distraction), but they were defeated.


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Review of Listen  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This poem says a lot. Living in the world nowadays is not easy. Many people have to struggle just to have the basics: food, shelter, clothes. The rhyming was good in this.

Why cant (can't) all you people just see

Your (You're) not just killing you, your (you're)also killing me


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159
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found this to be an amusing slice of Australian life in summer. *Delight* However, for us non-Aussie people, it might be nice to include a glossary of the Aussie slang used and their definitions--just so we don't sit here wondering 'what does that mean?' *Frown* Other than that, the only other suggestion is to leave a blank line between paragraphs for easier reading. I did see some errors in here that I'm sure you'll catch when editing. I enjoyed reading this...
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Review of When Doves Cry  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read this one with tears in my eyes. Well done, Kiya! You capture all the emotion and heartbreak of receiving the news that a husband has been killed in the line of duty. She had loving memories of him, and like he told her he'll always be with her, if only in her heart. This story is so sad...


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This flowed nicely and captured my interest. I could feel the little girl's fear as she looked upon the dead woman, and the confusion the man's presence caused in her. He held her spellbound and it scared her, while at the same time she felt drawn to him. You set the scene well. Fourteen years... and he returned to claim her. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

That soft echo was all her tears needed to let loose and glide down her cheeks, reddening them more then (than) they already were.

Her knees buckled inward so suddenly her whole tiny form fell, scrapping (scraping) bare knees on the hard concrete as yet another sob escaped; though this one was different.

a shaky body rose to it's }(its) bare, dirty feet to move down the alley and closer to the alien noise.

Instead, her head, having a mind completely separate from the rest of her body, turned, grey eyes viewing nothing but a few trash cans and a grey sewer rat darting threw (through) the darkness to look for food.

'Curiosity killed the cat, you know,' words, alien words, suddenly echoed threw (through) her mind, yet they had never entered her red ears

She wasn't alone, no matter how much every feature in that alley way (alleyway) told her she was.

She had to get away from it, but she had to watch it too; (,) make sure it didn't jump on her, or disappear to other places to come after her.

The petit heart inside her chest was beating wildly, pumping the blood ten times faster, echoing threw (through) her body.

The cold skin of the woman was making her own body even colder,(;) she felt like she was freezing, but when he touched her skin, grabbing at her chin so that she froze in the spot and stared up at him in fright, warmth immediately spread threw (through) her.

His touch scared her,}(;) his eyes scared her; He (he) scared her! More then (than) anything in the world, he scared her.

Even his voice was soothing, and she almost relaxed upon hear (hearing) his words.

She almost called out, asking him not to leave, but as soon as his eyes pulled away from her form, it was like a spell had been broken, and she was afraid again(, too afraid to move, and too afraid to speak to this gorgeous, dark creature.) ; Too afraid to move, and too afraid to speak to this gorgeous, dark creature.

Gracefully, a pale, slender hand lowered to her, a blood red (blood-red) rose sitting in its palm, so (beautiful and so dangerous.) beautifully and so dangerously.

Under that spell once more, her own small hand reached out and picked the rose up gently, oblivious to the thorns until one pricked her boney (bony) thumb.

With a sudden jolt, Angel sat up in bed, beads of cold sweet (sweat) rested upon her body as grey eyes flew about the room and lightening (lightning) flashed outside her window.

A cautious hand reached out for it, lifting it up(, careful not to cut her finger on the thorns like the little girl had in her dream.) and careful not to cut her finger on the thorns like the little girl had in her in her dreams.

Wait... My dreams... No, no, no, those are simply dreams. They never happened.... She thought silently to herself as her eyes glided over the dresser to see if there were any hints to how the flower had gotten there.
(Wait... My dreams... No, no, no, those are simply dreams. They never happened, she thought silently to herself as her eyes glided over the dresser to see if there were any hints to how the flower had gotten there.) .... She thought silently to herself as her eyes glided over the dresser to see if there were any hints to how the flower had gotten there.

The only evidence she could find was a small piece of parchment paper, sitting there, folded, with the words 'Read Me' written in the most beautiful Victorian hand writing (handwriting) she had ever seen.

"To My Dearest Little Angel," was all that was written on the center of the page in that same curved (handwriting.) hand writing.

It’s impossible, she thought, vampires.....
(It’s impossible, she thought, vampires.....)


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a unique storyline! *Delight* Poor Tink, getting accused of murdering Captain Hooker. What's a fairy to do, eh? Call in the Oz gal, of course! *Laugh* Hmm... I never took Peter for the player type. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover.

I really enjoyed reading this. It had me chuckling in some places. Nice job! *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:


I have a interview appointment with one Tinker Bell this afternoon(,") ." Jenny said to the receptionist at the front desk.

"Hello(,) Mrs. Barrie.

My name is Ted, and I will take you to see Mrs. Bell(,) ." Ted said.

"Now I must tell you something, Mrs. Barrie, that...particular resident has not been the most cooperative(,)" Ted continued.

The poor girl is probably just a little lonely(,) ." Jenny replied.
(NOTE: There is a comma and quote marks before a tagline.)

"I'll be fine(,) Ted. Go get a Reggie bar or something(,)" Jenny said as she hoisted her bag to (delete 'to') onto her shoulder.

Call me Tink(," she said quietly.) " She said quietly.

This is your chance to set the record straight(,) " Jenny said enthusiastically, but again, did not get a response.

"He's coming back, you know(,) " Tink said.

"Who's coming back(,) Tink?" Jenny asked, gently placing the recorder back in her bag, hiding it from view.

So I know that...you're well aware, that the courts proved there is no evidence of a Peter, and that most people think that...he's...not...real(,)" Jenny said slowly.

"Oh it's okay(,) Tink. I...I think the courts don't know anything anyway. I believe he's real(,)" Jenny said compassionately.

But uh...he told me that he liked the way you tell stories so much, that he wanted me to come see you(,)" Jenny stuttered.

It took us (awhile) a while, but eventually, we realized our dreams, and we got to go to Neverland.

I told him how he's not becoming a better anything by ignoring me, and how I was felling (feeling) really unwanted.

"Oh, I believe you Tink. Really, I do(,)" Jenny said, with just a hint of sarcasm.

It was the second worst decision I ever made(,) " Tink began to cry.

And to pay for it, I did some movies that I'm..not..particulary (particularly) proud of.." Tink trailed off.

I was always a sucker for the applause(,)" Tink laughed.

I'm sure you already know about all that(,) " Tink said, her face now being held in her hands.

PLEASE, TELL ME MORE(,)" Jenny yelled nervously.

"Now, do you have anything to add Mrs. Bell, before I sentence you?" The (the judge) Judge said sternly.

"The floor is yours(,)" The (the judge) Judge proclaimed.

"Silence!" The Judge (the judge) commanded.

Thank you(,) your honor.

"I'll allow that. Bailiff, please remove Mrs. Bell's restraints(,)" The Judge (the judge) commanded.

The Bailiff (bailiff) then proceeded to free Tink.

The courtroom erupted with commotion at such a sight, and The Judge (the judge) began feverishly banging his gavel down.

"Order! Order dammit!" The Judge bellowed. "Mrs. Bell, is this your witness?" The Judge asked.
(Suggest: "Order! Order, dammit!" the judge bellowed. "Mrs. Bell, is this your witness?")

"Indeed it is(,) your honor. I call to the stand, one Dorthy (Do you mean 'Dorothy'?) Gale(,)" proclaimed Tink.

The Bailiff (bailiff) swore Dorthy in as a witness, and she took her seat.

"Now, Mrs. Gale(,)" Tink began.

You know that by now(,)" Dorthy giggled.

Tink leaned in closely to Dorthy, and whispered(, "I know that.) . "I know that.

"Now Dorthy...were you not at the scene of the crime in question, on the date the alleged murder took place(?) " Tink asked.

"Yes...yes I was(,)" Dorthy said, attempting to awkwardly position herself in front of the microphone.

"Absolutely not(,)" The Judge (the judge) calmly said.

I'll chew(,)" Dorthy responded, as she inserted a large gob of snuff into her cheek.

"So does that mean there were NO SIGNS OF A STRUGGLE, WHATSOEVER(?)" Tink asked.

"Wait a minute, are you telling me that there were no signs of a struggle whatsoever?" The Judge (the judge) asked Dorthy.

"Oh(,) no. He just fell over like a sack of potatoes(,")." Dorthy said.

"Then maybe you can tell me, Mr. Prosecutor, exactly why we're trying this young woman for murder here?" (the judge asked.) The Judge Asked.

"Well...your honor, if you will remember, the doctor who found Mr. Hooker at the scene of the crime, clearly stated that to him, it showed all of the classic signs of a homicide(," the prosecutor explained.) " The Prosecutor explained.

He's usually the guy getting the dough nuts (doughnuts) or coffee or whatever. He's not a doctor(.)" Dorthy laughed again.

"Mr. Prosecutor, why did you not check the credentials of this man?" The Judge (the judge) asked, angrily.

"Well...he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, so I thought..." The Prosecutor (the prosecutor) explained.

Case dismissed" The Judge (the judge) announced, as he slammed his gavel down a final time.

What are you stupid(?) .

"Of course I did(,) Tink. I love you(,)" Peter said, in between coughs.


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Review of Clipped Wings  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This hooked me in when Keith suddenly, for no reason, decided to kill the bird. I also wondered about the scars and bruises. Was he being abused by his father at the age of twenty-three? It seemed unlikely but... So I read on. *Wink*

Well, it seems Keith is a violent person with more than just birds. I felt sorry for the poor girl who had the misfortune of having Keith put the make on her. I couldn't help but wonder whether anyone noticed the girl was missing? Maybe her parents? Was her murder ever discovered? I like the way you ended the story with the bird on the trash can.

Some things to consider when editing:

Suddenly a bird hopped itself on the curb next to Keith and jerked it's (its) head about in every which direction like birds tend to do, flapping it's (its) wings a few times in a welcoming gesture.

The helpless bird flapped in a sudden state of panic, limping in circles as if it were a cat on the hunt for it's (its) own tail.

"Get your ass in here(,) you good-for-nuthin' lazy sumna' bitch(.), I oughta give you a piece o' my mind(,) boy," the outraged shadow from the doorway yelled.

"What'll it be(,) kiddo(?") ."

"Speak for yourself(,) old man," Keith replied, snatching the beer from the table and leaving his seat.

He went through a quick check-up, repairing the collar of his over-sized(,) black button up (button-up) short-sleeve shirt complete with flames and eight balls, followed by a quick comb of the hair with his tarred fingernails.

It jerked it's (its) head about in every which (delete 'which') direction like birds tend to do, flapping it's (its) wings a few times in a welcoming gesture.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is well written and interesting. I have to agree with her father about the way she asked the question. She's treating him like a child. At the same time, I can understand how she'd want him to bathe every day. I have to say, though, that the way she talks to him shows a definite lack of respect.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is so sad. I felt the mother's anguish over her lost child. I assume it is a custom in her village to dispose of girl babies? Or is it only if the first born is a girl child? Either way, it seems babaric to me. The ending made me wish that her daughter does find her some day. Good job! *Thumbsup*


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This certainly held my interest. Well, it's obvious that it's best to not take the easy way through life, isn't it? You have to take some risks. Think Jason got carried away, though. *Laugh*

Suggest you put a blank line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Consider the following when editing:


A dim lamp poured a yellowish stream of light over the green(,) ripped (wallpaper) wall paper.

It was an (a) cramped, empty room, and nothing more.

This here is the back exit of a casino(,) and you could hit it big with me(,) seeing I’ma (I'm an) employee!

I was just practicing(,) seeing it as something to do after hours and all(,") .” he scoffed.

Somebody should report you and get you put (out) of here.

You should be fired just for leaving that door unlocked for any (thug to walk in.") one thug to walk in.”

This time that man was turning his head to one side and rising (raising) an eyebrow.

I thought it would be ok since he is an employee, but then again I was thinking as straight as much as there is a child‘s worth of common sense. (This is very awkward. Consider: , but then again, I was thinking with about as much common sense as a child.)

The game went on (anyway.) anyways.

“Alright(,)” I (said) says. “Go fetch whatever you need and I will be more than willing to gamble (again) a gain.”

“My name is Jim(,) ” he said.

You can either play a big risk and win or lose, or you can play (a) small risk where you are almost guaranteed to win every single time.

The idea of to (delete 'to') winning my way riches on a practical guarantee was to (too) intriguing, so I stated(,)(") With little to lose(,) I believe I should begin with little to win(,").’ with a bit of nervousness in my voice.

“What is (the) guarantee?

One or two shots doesn’t determine the future(,) boy.

Wiping the sweat of my brow I asked(,) “When are we going to push up the risk?”. (delete the period)

“Now everything is the same except you have two decks to pick from, the one on your left meaning (delete 'meaning) being a product of the environment and the one on your right being following oneself. One being riskier than the other, then again, you like risks(,) don’t you?

“My fine mistake(,) Jason.”

“Dogs, that’s all we are(,") .” Jim says.

Those last few minutes of my stupidity, I sat there looking at Jim with the stiff expression. Finding out they he has proven his point with gambling. Even those he had an extravagant amount to work with, he has gained very little from such hours of play.
(Suggest: Those last few minutes of my stupidity, I sat there looking at Jim with his stiff expression, realizing he had proven his point with gambling. Even though he had an extravagant amount to work with, he had gained very little from such hours of play.)













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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Since I am from Rhode Island, I had to take a peek at this. *Laugh* You are so right about Misquamicut beach. People flock there, as well as Scarborough beach, for vacations...renting cottages, which often cost as much for one week as an apartment would for a month. *Shock* The casinos are in Connecticut. There's nothing like days of sun, sand, and sunburn on the RI beaches in the summer.

You should leave a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

Some things to consider when editing:

During late spring, early summer, Rhode Island make (makes) its annual transformation from a windswept a (delete 'a') ghost town filled with residents from the area to a busy, overcrowded town overflowing with energetic tourists.

Stores and beaches open to used in the summer. (This sentence doesn't make sense.)

Kids and adults pack up the car and make way for (to) the ocean.

Also in the distance are kids using there are (their) artistic abilities to build sand castles and sculptures.

I am awaked (awakened) by the twelve o’ clock siren that rings from the fire station in town.

Benny’s is a unique, incomparable store that has everything known to man kind (mankind) , and then some.

Rhode Island is an awesome vacation place, but (after?) a while, even if you don’t want to and aren’t yet missing home, you have to go back home.

Parents dust off all the left over (leftover) sand off their kid’s beach toys and pack everything up for next year.






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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Powerful story here. It evokes so many emotions as you unfold the anguish these people experience as our troops invade their land. Lives were destroyed...children lost forever in the name of --what?--freedom? I could feel the anger and despair, and yes, even the wife's fear that her husband would do something which would result in her losing him too. You wrote this extremely well. *Thumbsup* This story makes me wonder how we would react under the same circumstances. Would we not be angy at liberators that destroyed our families, whether intentional or not? Grief is not always rational.

Some things to consider when editing:

“look (Look) how strong and perfect his body is.

“Yes Yusif,” she had laughed, weary from the long labor. (,) “he is strong and perfect!

Asking around(,) he was able to obtain part time (part-time) work with his cousin Mustafa doing apartment remodeling.

The extra income was a blessing and soon they were able to start a small savings account(.), Yusif was so proud that he would be able to save for his son’s education.

The news reports were full of the American’s (Americans') impending invasion.

Still Farah hadn’t worried much, surely things would settle down(,) maybe soon they might be free of the tyranny and corruption of Saddam.

They could see the searchlights and flares lighting up the nighttime (night), the sounds and excitement keeping the children awake(,) sometimes all night.

She remembered(,) before falling unconscious(,) desperately trying to shield Maryam from the falling rubble, her screams the last thing Farah heard.

The diggers weren’t in time to save Issa(.) , Yusif dug desperately(,) crying and pleading with Allah for hours.

At last a small bundle was located under a massive pile of rubble(.) , (A) first glance sparked a false hope that the child was just sleeping still wrapped snugly in his blankets.

After an intitial terrible scream(,) Yusif remained uncharacteristically quiet(.), even (Even) after they walked to the morgue bearing their tiny burden(,) he didn’t say anything.

Instead Yusif handed the baby to the attendent (attendant) , looked down on the small bundle a moment(,) then turned and quietly walked away.

The Americans, claiming victory(,) drove their big tanks and trucks into what was left of the city.

Oftentimes other men would show up to try to give assistance, men from Syria, some from Jordan and Saudi Arabia(,) even at times(,) men from Afghanistan.

If the Americans did not leave soon though(,) they warned, there would be a price to pay for the Americans as well.

The talk among the men, spurred on by the foreigners(,) was about ways to deal revenge on the Americans.

Yusif didn’t speak to Farah much about that kind of talk, he was much to (too) busy trying to ensure their survival, but she could tell he was listening.

She knew his heart was broken by the loss of his son, but he kept working and scavenging for foods (food and medicine.) and medicines.

The news, mostly heard only on radio loudspeakers or in rumors(,) said that Saddam’s sons were reported dead and then the shocking news that Saddam himself was captured.

Maryam remained weak and confused in her mind after the bomb, (;) she never played or smiled much after that.

One morning Farah awoke to find her unconscious, unresponsive to sound or touch(.) a (A) few days later she died quietly in her sleep.

Cursing Allah and the Americans(,) he rushed out of their little shelter into the cold dark night(.) , Farah heard his screams and curses for some time in the distance.

She waited(,) shivering alone in the darkness of their shared devastation(,) until just before dawn.

He came slowly, almost hesitantly to their bed and hugged her (fiercely.) fiercly.

When Farah tried to ask where he had been, why he had left her alone with her pain, he gently placed his finger to her lips and whispered.(,) “Oh Farah, my love, my fair flower(."),” quietly (Quietly) he sobbed into her hair, gripping her tightly in his arms. “we (We) will have justice, this I swear!”

When Farah awoke though(,) Yusif was already up(.), she (She) saw that he had carefully washed Maryam’s body and dressed her in her best dress and abaya.

“What things?” She (she) asked(,) perhaps too quickly.

“Don’t ask so many questions(,) woman!” he barked at her, uncharacteristic of Yusif.

Sadly he smiled at her and gently pushing (pushed) the money into her hands.

“Put this away someplace safe(,) .” he said.

“Return home(,) woman," he said softly. “return (Return) home and be well(,) my lovely wife. I have things to attend to(.) , soon (Soon) I will be with you, but for now I must go.”
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Review of Childproof Door  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice description of Jenny... This is a sad story. Not only did she suffer the shock of losing her best friend, but also had to deal with the trauma of being accused of killing her. Maggie...such a little girl... afraid of admitting the truth, let Jenny's friend take the blame. I was happy to see that in the end, Maggie admitted her guilt. I was shocked when Jenny's friend killed her sister! *Shock* An eye for an eye?

This is well written. The characters were realistic. I would suggest leaving a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

Some things to consider when editing:

I hadn’t seen in her ages (her in ages) and I was so depressed without her that I convinced my parents that I had to go see her in Alabama.

There was that night, about two weeks before she moved, when we were in her basement and I was getting sodas out of her mini fridge when (while) she was trying to “fix” the sound system by turning the volume up until she heard something(.) and we (We) both screamed when it sounded like a bomb went off when the TV finally kicked in and we both laughed so hard we were in tears for half and (an) hour.

Her room was at the top of the stairs, and her two little cousins(,) Maggie and Opal(,) weren’t allowed up the stairs because they either fell down the stairs or they got into the rooms up stairs (upstairs) and got into something they shouldn’t have.

They’re little, so that’s not too uncommon, but when they so frequently break (broke) the stair-rule that Jenny had to have a child-proof knob put on her door… it’s (it was) a little insane.

“We put that knob on for you,(.) we (We) didn’t want you to be anywhere without supervision,” Jenny said with a mocking smile on her lips.

“Watch it(,) shorty,” I told her, my smile matching her own.

“I’ve got this theory,” she told me with a smile. “That candy canes are magical,” with this kind of lead in, I knew I was in for a good one.
(Suggest: "I've got this theory," she told me with a smile, "that candy canes are magical." With this kind of lead in, I knew I was in for a good one.)

We cleaned up the mess and she set the gift bad (bag) behind her TV.

I pointed down the stairs. “Maggie(,) go (downstairs.") down stairs.”

Jenny and I were really crazy people(.) , we (We) spent all our times (time) trading stories like old war buddies(,) and then we got (to) the subject of boyfriends like we always did.

I had been dating her ex, which she didn’t care much about because she didn’t care much about him(.) , she (She) was polite when she asked me how it was going, but not all that impressive in her façade.

She smirked(,) draining the last of her Mountain Dew.

We were sitting out on her dock together and it was probably after midnight, and as I watched her walk back to her house, I regretting (regretted) her living so far away.

I went back to the house in the dark, alone, very creepy, but there was at light at the end of the road, (;) it was the house, on fire.

But I knew it was too late(.) , it (It) was as though a part of me had died and was burning from within.

“I don’t know, honestly. I’ve been waiting for Jenny(." I looked up at the flames. "She said she had something for me.") , she said,” I looked up at the flames. “She said she had something for me.”

I looked down, a five year old (five-year-old) girl would be my undoing?

Jenny I haven’t haven’t fought since then, we don’t even talk about that.”
(Jenny and I haven't fought since then. We don't even talk about it.")

Sudden (Suddenly,) I realized something.

Just once I’d like to see a Mountain Dew can, or her a (delete 'a') song from The Phantom of the Opera.
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Review of Michael  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow...this is scary. Just the thought of a child being able to do that from a sandbox gives me the shivers! Great storyline... *Thumbsup* The whole story flowed wonderfully.


Michael liked television; the words meant nothing to him, even the subnormal dialogue of the afternoons’ idiocy was lost on him(,) but the images!




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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is rather scary how easy it is for a murderer to cross the border. You paint a clear picture of the man's fear that he would get caught before clearing the border. I thought the story flowed nicely, and I enjoyed the innocent questions his daughter kept asking. It was amazing how he could have such patience with her considering the stress he was under.

Some things to consider when editing:

A potbellied little sewer rat, Mark thought.
(A potbellied little sewer rat, Mark thought.)

Christ(,) she's smart for a four year-old (four-year-old), he thought. (Thoughts should be italicized.) “Um, I guess so. Why’d you ask(,) baby?”

She said it matter of factly (matter-of-factly), no emotion coloring her thin voice.

Could Josie have heard us fighting last night, he wondered. Could she have snuck out of bed and watched me strangle that nagging bitch?
(Could Josie have heard us fighting last night, he wondered. Could she have snuck out of bed and watched me strangle that nagging bitch?)

“Hold on(,) baby,” Mark said.

He turned the A.C. dial to three dots and cold air blasted him on his sweat soaked (sweat-soaked) forehead.

He pulled the car forward and rolled down his window as the Border Guard (border guard) approached.

“Visiting friends(,") .” Mark said, mindful to keep his answers concise.

“Don’t forget the hospital, Daddy(,") .” Josie called form the backseat, threatening to ruin everything.

“What’s that?” He (he) asked.

I knew I should’ve stolen a set of license plates when we stopped for gas in Bakersfield, he thought
(I knew I should’ve stolen a set of license plates when we stopped for gas in Bakersfield, he thought.)

“Hot?” He (he) asked, referencing Mark’s sweaty face and shirt.

“Yeah,” either that, or I’m having a heart attack, Mark thought. What the hell is with everybody?
("Yeah." Either that, or I'm having a heart attack, Mark thought. What the hell is with everybody?)

The dog and it’s (its) master were rounding the front of his car and were nearly finished with the inspection.

Almost done, Mark thought. Sixty seconds more and Josie and I will be Mexicans.
(Almost done, Mark thought. Sixty seconds more and Josie and I will be Mexicans.)

He could almost see a swarm of border guards surrounding his car with guns drawn, Josie screaming in the back-seat (backseat), a warm puddle of urine soaking into the seat of his jeans.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a unique story! Very interesting reading about the whale named Steve who decided to confront an human and find out why humans wanted to destroy the ocean. Nice touch naming the human Jonah! *Delight* Such a tragic ending, though, for poor Jonah...and Steve too. Well written... *Thumbsup*

Some things to consider when editing:


In the deepest depths of Ocean (the ocean), a whale named Steve existed.

“Steve,” he began(,). “Humans are said to be like us but that is more akin to saying Ocean (the ocean) is like the tears we shed.”

Pummeltone whacked Steve slowly with his tale (tail) - as whales are not capable of bringing their tales (tails) around in such quick manners - and Steve stopped humming, for he was not quick to dodge the tail, despite the fact he watched the movement right up until contact.

Not even Steve had seen the bottom of Ocean(,) though he often wondered what was down there.

Why is my dad so mean? (Thoughts should be italicized. Why is my dad so mean?) thought Steve(,) though he did not want to voice that question.

“There were not objects of that silhouette when we came up here before(,)” said Steve in a soft manner.

“If this be a Human,” muttered Steve to himself(,) . “Then (then) what are the other whales so afraid of?”

He descended into Ocean and looked down, immediately spying a pack of whales that were coming up(,) though they were still a fair distance away.

He thought Please say no for I wish not to attempt to carry on a conversation with such an impossible speaker.
(He thought(,) Please say no(,) for I wish not to attempt to carry on a conversation with such an impossible speaker.)

“I’m Jonah IV(,) ” said the Human with trepidation.

The whale named Steve knew not what this was in reference too (to) so he decided to chalk it up as lying.

Jonah IV was none to (too) pleased.

Steve halted (Did you mean to say 'hated'?) the taste of this new concoction in his mouth.

Steve felt a panic in his lungs then as they began to quiver(,) a cry for more air.

But Steve, not wanting his new knowledge to be for nothing(,) for he felt he would not make it to the surface anyway, wanted to tell the other whales about the Human he had encountered on the surface of Ocean, but that was apparently no more.
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Review of Because of You  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a very emotional story. I can feel Halley's hurt and despair living in a situation like this. Her mother is always too drunk to see what Joshua is doing to her daughter--or maybe she does know, and just doesn't care. She seems to care more for him than for her children. I'm glad Halley got the courage to leave and take her sister with her.

Some things to consider when editing:

“Halley where have you been?” Yelled (yelled) a slurred voice from inside the kitchen.

Halley pulled her thin(,) blue woollen (woolen) jumper over her hands, concealing a dark bruise that made her wrist stand out.

“What do you mean that’s all you have?” A (a) man’s voice bellowed through the house.

Halley tried to stay out of his way, (;) every time he was reminded that she did have children he could not hold his temper.

A man appeared in the hall, his hair brown and thinning and his shirt not able to hide his beer stomach, stubble covering his mouth as if he hadn’t shaved in weeks.
(Consider: A man with thinning brown hair and stubble covering his face as if he hadn't shaved in weeks appeared in the hall wearing a shirt that was unable to cover his beer belly.)

“I won’t take eaves droppers (eavesdroppers) in my house.”

“Schoolwork will get you nowhere in the real world(.") ,” Rene snatched the books from Halley’s hands and tossed them across the room.

“Don’t argue with me(.") ,” Renee slapped her daughter across the cheek(,) leaving a red handprint clearly visible on the (her) face.

The man leant (leaned) down

His fingers piercing her (skin) skins

His voice whispering in her ears,” you (You) are just like your mother.”

All of her emotions tearing her mind (apart.) a part.

The small single bed (was) draped in a pink quilt.

Halley stormed down the stars (stairs) , Bianca in (tow) toe.

Picking up both backpacks(,) they left the house. “Come on (,) I’m taking you to school.”

She could not always be here to protect her sister, (;) she did not know what she would do if he did lay a finger on her.

Trying to be as quiet as possible(,) Halley made her way for (to) the door.


Should (She) could not turn back this time.

“Come on(,) Bianca,” Halley whispered as she pulled out another bag and filled it with her sister’s belongings.

Bianca nodded as she jumped up, grabbing the stuffed bear from off (delete 'off') her bed.{b(, the arm limp, barely hanging from one string.) The arm limply hanging barely from one string.

The bear was old and dirty, missing one eye and {b](had) stuffing popping out of the seams, but Bianca would go nowhere without the old toy.

The man grabbed the bag from (delete 'from') out of Halley’s hand.

” Rene stumbled toward her daughter’s (daughters, grabbing Bianca.) , grabbing a hold of Bianca.

"You're not going anywhere(.") ," Joshua pushed Halley back. His hand forcefully (forceful) and rough as he blocked the exit.
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Review of Enter Morgana  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great storyline. I like the way you lead up to her crossing into another century. She is happily sailing her ship, then Wham! she lands in another time. Nice description of Morgana. I can just picture her with the purple hair and eyes. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Some things to consider when editing:

She was a fair Captain (captain) , but she wasn’t afraid to use the weapons that she carried on her hip, and she could most definitely hold her own in a bar fight.

Her purple hair and eyes were her most distinguishing feature (features), given to her a few years prior when a gypsy cursed her after a short verbal dispute.

“The bloody hell…” She (she) muttered to herself, pulling herself into a sitting position as best she could.

“Where are my clothes?” She (she) demanded to nobody in particular when she saw the white and blue gown she wore.

“Where did you get this loony?” The (the) doctor asked, being slightly harsher than he usually was.

The cop laughed, unbuttoning the first button of his uniform shirt and slouching a little (bit) but.


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Review of Me and Binky  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Delight* I like your style. Nicely done. *Thumbsup* The ending made me laugh. Good old Binky....

A few things to consider when editing:

I was feelin’ kinda poorly, so I went to the hospital for a (check-up) check up.

Yesterday they took me from the holdin’ cell and brought me into that big ol’ (courtroom.) court room.


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