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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You set the scene well in this. Very graphic description of the crime scene... I think the gruesome details and the reference to the Manson murders hooked the reader into reading more. The ending left me somewhat confused. Was Jonah the investigator at the scene? I assume the doctor was saying Jonah was the murderer? *Confused*

Consider the following when editing:

The crime scene investigators around me run around trying to find a shred of evidence in the front lawn, and about six cops have already ran (run) out from inside puking their guts out.

I take another puff from my cigarette before I walk in the first room; (,) the children’s room.

“The boy’s head was severed and hung by (from) the ceiling upside down, as you can see(,)” the forensics doctor blurts out the gruesome details as if he was explaining a scene from a movie he just saw, (;) he couldn’t be calmer.

“Now, the girl was a bit different(.)” my (My) stomach twisted and churned as he urged me over towards what used to be a 13 year old girl (thirteen-year-old--an unlucky number.); unlucky number.

“Her head and body weren’t hurt in the least bit, but…” he (He) visibly flinched and I knew it wasn’t good.

“She was raped(,)” I finished his sentence, doing my best to hold back the increasingly tight knot in my stomach.

“More than that(.)” he (He)shook his head and pushed up his glasses with his index finger after they had slightly slid down his nose.

“She was indeed raped, quite severely(,)” he (He) seemed to had regained his composure and he continued (in) his monotonous tone of before(,). “But after the perpetrator

I felt myself gag and my lips let the cigarette fall to the floor(.), the (The) doctor sighed and threw it out the window in a flash, (;) it was his crime scene.

“Wait, wait(,)” I slowly answered back, one hand on my stomach and another helping me to lean on a wall.

(Note: a comma is required before the quotation mark before a tag line, or a period and quote mark if not followed by a tag line.)

slowly(Slowly), my nausea went away and I became a detective again.

the (The) doctor looked at me with a curious look and after a few seconds, (Suggest: gasped, noticeably worried.) he gasped and looked at me, noticeably worried.

“You haven’t seen the master bedroom yet, have you?” his (His) tone fell flat, dead serious, (and) I could only fear what I would find in there.

At first, my mind couldn’t fathom what it was observing(.), every (Every) police officer and detective in the room threw me a look of sadness and disgust as soon as I came into the room, (;) none of us have seen anything like this.

“The La Bianca murders(,)” he spoke in a low voice as he pointed to the writings on the wall.

“”Death to the pigs”, the Manson family wrote the same thing when they murdered that woman and her baby all those years ago(.)” he (He) walked over to the rose red (rose-red) bed and looked down at the mutilated woman, sighing and again looking back at me.

it (It) seemed everyone in the room suddenly grew lightheaded and every step they took after the doc’s words were forced and painful.

I took a step back and leaned on the wall, (;) it hit me like a truckload of bricks that I was leading the investigation,(.) I had to be a goddamn leader.

besides (Besides) being the most gruesome crime scene I had ever seen, it was also one of the weirdest.

I gave my orders as strict as I could and closed the door after they had gone, (;) it was just me and the doc now.

“You put up quite an act” he (He)sighed and looked at me, (and) I could detect the annoyance in his voice. “You exaggerate very well, although you must work on your gasps(.)” he (He) walked over beside me and looked at the scene before us; (,) quite impeccable work.

“Well, you better get to work. The Red Light district of town is in full bloom tonight, it’s Saturday(.)]” he (He) was taunting me, he knew which artist I preferred.

“Still have your tools in your car, Jonah?” knives, cutlery, surgeon’s tools. Butcher’s weapons. “I’ll say you had an urgent family matter to attend to.
(Consider this: "Still have your butcher's weapons in the car, Jonah--knives, cutlery and surgeon's tools? I'll say you had an urgent family matter to attend to.)

he (He) grinned widely as he looked over at me before walking back besides the carefully mutilated body; his work was almost perfect.

“Just wait and see” but, mine was better. “Just wait and see”.
(Mine what was better? You might want to reword this sentence.)
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Review of Busted Head: ch.3  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Another good, riveting chapter, Raven. I really like your style of writing. It rolls along so smoothly and is a joy to read. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

Well, I’m sure I didn’t skip, that was probably someone on TV, it was likely more of a stumble, but I might have whisteled (whistled) at a girl or a rat or something, and I was feeling pretty good.

After awhile (a while) it got all nosey and in-your-face like a homeless bum you got drunk once out of pity and can’t seem to shake. (LOL...good sentence!)

He spoke of the coming of the lord (Lord( and preparing and salvation, (no comma) and all that (,) but his saviour was almighty Satan.

If you are going to talk to people down here of God’s love and generosity and s*** (,) you better be a good runner(--or have soup.) . Or have soup.

I was feeling pretty good when I waltzed in to (into) the bar, giving a nod to the crew there.

The (My) dad was one hundred percent (a) piece of ****.

So I’m a quarter Indian, like a lot of guys down here, and half }(a) piece of ****.

You can get up (to) talk to a girl. You don’t (,) but you could.

It feels like you’re having spasms and everyone’s staring at you and wondering why you’re shaking and shivering like a dirty shirt tail (shirt-tail) sticking out some bums (bum's) zipper.

Except for }(that) at least one of these ballerinas had recently soiled themselves.
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Review of Smiling Ghost  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This read nice and smoothly, and it held my attention. This was spooky! I take it you never saw this old woman yourself. Do you think it really was a ghost?

Some things to consider when editing:

Years back, I used to work as a night receptionist in a hotel, in the old town area of Edinburgh. A city well known for its beauty, haunting atmosphere and terrifying history.
(Suggest: Years back, I used to work as a night receptionist in a hotel in the old town of Edinburgh--a city well known for its beauty, haunting atmosphere and terrifying history.)

Two of the domestics were cleaning the bogs and the other one, Claire(,) was by herself in the pub.

“Have you ever seen or heard anything out of the ordinary here?” She (she) asked.

“An old woman has just come up to me(," she added.) ”. She added.

She was walking towards me with a pleasant smile on her face and then she vanished(," she said.) ”. She said.

You see, I’m feeling a bit tired and confused today and maybe it was just my imagination playing tricks on me(,) .” She (she) said in a serious tone of voice, although I could tell she was not telling the truth, probably embarrassed and afraid people could (would) think she was making up stories or that she was having visual hallucinations.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done. We all tend to take our comforts in life for granted. We've always had them; they've always been there...and they always will be. Or will they? There's a fine line between having a home and being homeless. One unforseen circumstance--such as losing a job or getting evicted--could suddenly find any of us on the homeless side of that line.

I liked the fact that she gave a temporary home to one of the homeless kids from Casa Shelter. And I could fully understand how Jay could relate to the homeless animals at the animal shelter. Homeless is homeless, whether it be man or beast. Each is lacking the same thing.

This was great. Keep on writing....

When I sweat because I've been active indoors, and I must wait for the central air conditioning unit to labor to it's (its) appointed thermostatic designation, I think I'm feeling the fires of hell.

I walked carefully across the dark damp dirt, placing my feet on small patches of grass, avoid (avoiding) spots of muddy muck.
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Review of Little girl lost  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
A story that touches the heart.... Poor lost little soul needed help to get back home.

I found one inconsistency: when Jake reached the house with Cassie, he saw a man through the window, standing in the empty house, yet when Jake went around back after leaving, he saw the man sitting on a couch with Cassie. Was the house empty or not?

Some things to consider when editing:

A little doe eyed (doe-eyed) girl, dressed all in her Christmas best, plunked herself across the schoolroom from Jake and looked at him intently for several seconds before he decided he needed to say something to her.

far more interested in her rather bony, stocking covered (stocking-covered) knees than in him.

Instead, he rose up, shut his book, put it in his bag, and crossed the room to grasp her tiny, delicate, (no comma needed here) hand in his own.

in front of a small, neat, blue green (blue-green) house a few moments later.

The youngish man answered whom Jake had seen in the window answered the door, surprised and a little afraid to see Jake, a strange, purpled haired young high school boy, standing empty handed in his doorway.
}Suggest: The youngish man Jake had seen through the window answered the door, surprised and a little afraid to see Jake, a strange, purpled-haired high school boy, standing empty-handed in his doorway.)

She turned, and for the first time she really looked and smiled at Jake, rather gleefully (,) making her dark brown eyes meet his bright blue ones, before happily waving him away forever. “Thanks,” (she chirped) she was all chirped.

Jake never said another word to the man(;) it would have been too much for the already perplexed man to handle.
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Review of Red Elf  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.0)
This needs a bit of cosmetic work to make it shine. I thought the story, with its endless chase after the scarf, to be one that would capture a young child'sattention. I would end the story after he caught the scarf, though. This would make more of an impact on children if it was illustrated. Is it?

Consider the following when editing:


It was bitterly cold and as he was climbing his steps up (climbing up the steps) from his house to the road; his fingers felt the cold nipping at them.

Jesmonds’ nickname was JD, because his friends thought it sounded better than Jesmond and they had started calling it him (him it) at school years ago and it had stuck.

JD always liked to keep the gate shut and then if anyone had visited while he was out and left it open by mistake; (,) he knew that he’d had a visitor. But which visitor was nearly always a mystery (.) but he (He) had a routine and today was no different from any other, so the gate had to be closed before he left on his short journey.

He took three paces and then saw it glide through the air and nestle itself on his next door neighbours (neighbor's) hedge.

He (It) wasn’t long before he was scrambling up his small front garden, past his tiny garden shed to reach his scarf. Just as his hand was about to grab it (,) the wind whipped it up and away over the top of the hedge.

He ran out to the road and ran (delete 'ran') down past his next door neighbour’s house to see if he could see his scarf.

He was running among the trees (,) keeping a watchful eye on his faithful neck warmer (,) when I (a) voiced startled him.

Dumpling called out (,) “What’s wrong (,) JD?”

“Sorry can’t stop(,) ” he shouted, panting (.)

“Hang on (,) I’ll help (,) ” bellowed Dumpling over the noise of the very blustery wind.

The tower had a flag pole that flew a flag flying (delete 'flying') everyday of the year.

Both JD and Dumpling leant leaned} against a small wall and gasped for breath.

“I’m totally unfit (,) ” gasped JD(.)

“Tell me about it(,) ” squeaked Dumpling(.)

“ We are getting old you know(,)” JD managed to say in between gasping for air.

“Shall we dare ask at the Castle if we can get your scarf back?” inquired Dumpling(.)

“Well I’m not leaving it up there(,) come on(,)” squawked JD.

They ran down the hill and round the left hand (left-hand) bend and had the bridge in sight just as his scarf fell onto the railings on the bridge.

They both ran as fast as they could(.) , Dumpling sprinted a little faster than JD (,) and then he caught his toe on a tree root and felt himself flying through the air in slow motion (Consider: , landing on the muddy path with a thud.) and landed with a thud on the muddy path. Then (delete 'Then') he (He) heard a distant cry and a second later JD landed on Dumplings’ head.

You fell over(,")”.

“I never did(;) you tripped me up(,)” wailed Dumpling rubbing his very sore head with a very muddy hand.

“You are joking }(,) right?”

“You tripped over that tree root there(.)” JD pointed to the offending root that sat happily along the ground.

“Never did(,)” sobbed Dumpling.

“We almost had it too and now it’s blown away again(.)”

“Don’t blame me(!)” shouted Dumpling “It was your fault for tripping me up(.)”

“Oh not that again(.) , come (Come)on, get up(,)” said JD as he helped his friend to his feet.

“Quick(!)” gasped JD as he jumped over the small wall to his friend’s garden.

The door flew open and a voice bellowed.
“Get off my lawn you…..” and Stew stopped shouting as he saw it was JD racing past him.
(The door flew open and a voice bellowed, "Get off my lawn, you...." Stew stopped shouting when he saw it was JD racing past him.)

The gate creaked as Dumpling opened it slowly (,) totally out of breath.

“Snorey, just look what the wind blew into my garden(.") ”.

“Oh dear (,) I think you might need a nice bath(.") ”.

“Mmmmm I think you are right(,)” sighed JD as he looked at his old (,) favourite (,) dirty black trainers. “My feet are wet too(,)” he moaned.

“Come on inside and I’ll make us all a nice pot of coffee to get you warmed up(,)” said Stew as he turned from the door.

All three Elves (elves) followed Stew into the kitchen and took off their dirty footwear.

“I can’t believe you tripped me up so I wouldn’t get to your scarf first(,)” moaned Dumpling.

“I never tripped you up, you fell over that tree root(.) I keep telling you (that,)” cried JD.

“Now, now stop all that you two, coffee is ready and I’ve got a nice little treat for you both(,)” said Stew as he walked past with a tray full of mugs.

They all three grabbed a mug of hot coffee (Suggest: and took seats on the two white settees in the cosy living room.) took a seat and on the two white settees in the cosy living room. Stew had stood (placed) the tray on the small white poof in front of the beautiful fireplace with a big mirror hanging over it.

(NOTE: A comma followed by quotation marks are required before a tag line. Check entire story and change accordingly.)

I just wasn’t prepared for all that exercise” sighed JD who looked across at Dumpling who sounded very tired after the ordeal.
(Suggest: I wasn't prepared for all that exercise," sighed JD, looking across at Dumpling who sounded very tired after the ordeal.)

Bombay mix(.")”.

“What now?” as a muffled voice came from JD, trying to talk with a mouthful of flapjack.
(Consider this: "What now?" JD asked in a muffled voice as he tried to talk with a mouthful of flapjack.)

“I’ve seen” you said Snorey ("I've seen you," said Snorey.) “you (You) laid that gravel path this summer in your back garden (,) and you humped all that gravel from the front to the back in a wheelbarrow, all on your own(.") ”.

“Time to change the subject” interjected Dumpling(.) “Did you like the CD’s (CDs)JD did for you?”. (delete the period)

“What CD’s (CDs)? Asked (asked) Stew.

“YUCK” He (he) said as he brushed himself off.

His }(He) closed Stew’s gate carefully, because Dumpling had not closed it.

“It’s my scarf. The wind has blown it up into that tree, look!” He (he) said pointing to a tree in the wood across the road.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great chapter... You have the description of an alcoholic down pat--right down to throwing the guilt on someone else. You painted a very clear picture here. I'm glad she had the courage to throw him out. Well done! *Thumbsup*

I wasn’t going to let go to (too) fast.

Thanks pops.
(Thanks, Pops.)

I was standing naked and shivering (,) ready to ransack the house of the woman who threw me out (, looking for a few drops of anything with a percentage sign on the label.) and looking for a few drops of anything with a percentage sign on the label.

I managed to claw my way up too quick (quickly) , too confident (confidently) , something consistent with the booze, and my head began to swim a little.

I had the decency for her (delete 'for her') to stagger over to the sink to puke, even though it hurt like hell.

I groped around the house for my clothes, and had to think for awhile (for a while) to recall that I woke up on the couch.

Again, this seemed like great self control (self-control) and somehow was proof of my competence.

I strolled along pretty care free (carefree) then, knowing I had a beer in my pocket to keep me company and give me the strength to finish the walk.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The climax of this story kind of sneaks up on you. There was never a hint of who Connor really was. As for Samatha...well, I did find it odd that she'd be washing her car every Friday at the exact same time that the trash collector came by. Still, it could have been chalked up to the fact that she thought Connor was handsome, and was trying to get his attention. She lured him right in all right, but not for the reasons I thought. *Laugh* Good job! *Thumbsup*

The sound that had woken (awakened) him ripped the silence anew, and this time, there was no mistaking it.

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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Amber sure is a brave little dog, isn't she? I would have loved to see her flip that Lab. *Laugh* I see she also has a good imagination, thinking she's a golden retriever! She's sounds adorable... Thanks for sharing.

But of course, how many sweet tempered (sweet-tempered) golden retrievers will protect you from well-meaning door to door (door-to-door) salesmen?

To this day I don't know how she injested }ingested){/bb} rat poison.

I was living in a high end (high-end) apartment and didn't have anything remotely resembling poison in my place.

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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is very well done. You paint a vivid picture of the funeral. By showing the reader how carefully the men carried the casket, I could see the deceased was much loved and would be deeply missed. Well done. *Thumbsup* I was wondering what the square of stones symbolized?

They held the handles gingerly, not moving the draped white and red stripes, to an altar with a marble façade.
(Something is missing here. Suggest: They held the handles gingerly, not moving the draped white and red stripes, and carried the casket to an altar with a marble façade.)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


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Review of Break Down  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good job, Sonia! *Thumbsup* My eyes were glued to the screen. First I thought the man she met in the checkout lane was the murderer of the three men in the trucks. Later, I thought he may be the man who assaulted her long ago. You sure kept me guessing! *Laugh* The ending came as a complete shock. *Shock* Who would have guessed? Very, very good writing! Keep up the good work....
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Review of A Possum's Story  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is amazing content-wise. I find it incredible that cats and possums can get along that well together. Even more amazing is the fact that someone would allow one to live in the house--not to mention all those baby possums! *Shock* But the harmony you describe of how they all were one big family touches the heart. WRITE ON!

Consider the followwing when editing:

"Come on, girl. It's just a little animal. Do something and don't just stand there (.") ".

"My friends at work will never believe I had a possum in my house(.")".

Another favorite was a strawberry topped (strawberry-topped) cheesecake pudding.

"Keep it down, kids (."".
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Awww... and here I was giving Tom all kinds of praise for not cheating, and in the end what does he do? Takes the first step on the wrong road.... Geessh! Great story. You wrote this well. One question on the title: Who is Ronny and where does the cat come in? WRITE ON!

Some things to consider when editing:

She’s the cute, young Brunette (brunette) who sits in the next cubicle.

I am neither young or (nor) particularly attractive and Heather’s attention is both refreshing and frightening.

Someone should tell him (it's not.) : it’s not.

Thankfully I only have to be under that sun a couple minutes since the greatest thing about this job is it’s (its) proximity to both Carl’s bar, and my home.

Whatever you say (,) man.
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Review of Angelic thieves  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
I guess those two little girls were angels in disguise, because their antics saved the man's wife in the end. But I have a question: How did the man manage to get released without proof of identity at the airport? For the first half of the story, I couldn't decide where the story was going. There wasn't anything to really hook me in. *Confused* There was just a man going away on a business trip. The ending was so sad...

Consider the following when editing:

After I got off (out of) the black cab, I entered the airport terminal and headed toward the check-in desk.

“Where are you travelling to, sir?” The (the) woman at the desk asked.
(Note: Tag lines don't begin with a capital letter unless it is a proper noun.)

As I was trying to regain my breath, I said: “good (Good) to see you, officers.

Finally, a doctor approached me and asked: “are (Are) you Claire’s husband?”

“No (,") .” the doctor said.
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Review of Orange glove  
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Nice description of the island in the first paragraph. The hook didn't appear for several paragraphs, though. After that it got more interesting. That was one crazy hotel! *Shock* I wonder if Anna made it pass Number 12.... Not that it really matters; her fate would be the same. WRITE ON!

Consider the following when editing:

Suddenly a bright spot among the rocks: an orange fisherman’s glove entangled in a mess of blue net (, looking very incongruous here.). Looking very incongruous here.

A visitor would ordinarily approach from the main road, among moss-covered (alder trees) alder-trees.

Oak paneled (The oak-paneled) dining room (,) adorned with the stuffed heads of deer (,) was somewhat cheered by the profusion of geraniums.

The croupier appears from the recesses of the hotel - a tall and slightly revolting young man with pomaded hair and the beginning of (a) beer-belly carefully sheathed in a purple tuxedo.

“Ladies and gentlemen, your bets,” - announces he (,) installing a black and white board on the empty table in the middle of the deck.

“Mrs. Witherspoon, I would dare to assume that after 12 years you could learn the rules” (,") - admonishes Malcolm.

A scary though (thought)] momentarily paralyzes old Eva Witherspoon: what if the woman simply walks on, bypassing the hotel?

She betted (She had bet)] her last 600 pounds, and if she doesn’t win, she’ll lose her farm and her home to the mortgage company.

a patch of }}(quicksand.) quick sand.
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Review of The Dusty Road  
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was a lovely trip down memory lane. You described everything so well that I could see your grandparents and mother sitting on that porch, the women fanning themselves with paper fans, and I was right in there digging tunnel mazes in the hay in the barn with the rest of the kids. What fun that was! *Laugh* The ending was so sad.

Consider the following when editing:

The cows followed the wagon, thinking it was feeding time, and we entertained each other by pushing one another off the end of the wagon and laughing like crazy watching brother or sister high-tail it back onto the end of the wagon ahead of a stampeed (stampede) of stupid cows.

The smoke houses, the chicken coup, - and Trudie's own home, a two-room shack wallpapered in rodeo postures (Did you mean to say 'rodeo posters'?) and newsprint.

I am (a one-year-old.) one year old.

And afterwards, we'd sit back in those chairs that rocked back and forth, and let our stomach muscles bulge, making room for more than (that) would certainly come as the sun began to set across the cow pastures beyond the church.

A gazebo stood over the spring, it's (its) purpose (was for courting a long time ago.) for courting long time ago.
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Review of Monster  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow, Andrea, that ending sure caught me by surprise. She must have hated Richie more than the story indicated, when he called her 'monster' as a child, for her to hurt his little son like that just for revenge. Perhaps, you should describe her anger and hatred for Richie more fully at the time he said 'monster' and ruined her life forever. Good story. WRITE ON!

Although I'm not asked on many dates, children don't point at me and run screaming to their mothers (anymore.) any more.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story took me back to a time when life was so much simpler. A time when children appreciated the little things in life: handmade mittens, a scarf, a sock doll, and candy from a boy you have a crush on. I found it to be very uplifting.

You painted a lovely picture here. Everything flowed along nicely, and the characters and dialogue were very realisticc for that time period. I enjoyed reading this story. Thanks for sharing....

Connsider the following when editing:

“Mama, did it hurt awful much?” She (she) asked, her voice barely a whisper.

No (,) dear.

She was called Eliza Jane to distinguish her from her Mama (who) was Elizabeth.

Yes (,) dearest.

“Yes (,) Mama.

“It means Recompenser or gift from G-d. (Is there some reason why you didn't just say God, instead of G-d?) What about for a girl (?") ” Eliza asked her daughter.

“I might choose Mehitable, or Rebecca or maybe Rachel (,") .” Eliza answered.

Followed by the names and dates of her little brothers and sisters, George, Nathan, Levi, Francis; whom they called Frank and baby Joanna.
(Suggest: This was followed by the names and dates of her little brothers and sisters, George, Nathan, Levi, Francis--who they called Frank--and baby Joanna.)

Now. Is (Now, is) that enough of the ‘begats’ for you tonight, young lady?”

He kissed his eldest daughter on the forehead and she turned to go up the carpeted stairs to her bedroom, which she shared with baby sister Joanna. (delete 'which she shared with her baby sister Joanna.' You already told us this fact several paragraphs ago. No need to repeat it.)

Maybe Mama might have knit (kniitted) her a new hat or mittens.

Happy birthday (,) Eliza Jane!” Her (her) brother Henry calls out.

I hope it is a candy!” Her (her) little brother George exclaimed. “ May I be excused from the table (,) Mama?”

Only long luxurious eyelashes fringe hazel eyes flecked with gold, her little freckled nose and plump cheeks pink from the cold peek out.
(Consider this: Only long, luxurious eyelashes fringing hazel eyes flecked with gold, her little freckled nose and plump cheeks, pink from the cold, peek out from behind the scarf.)

Papa says that winters may be harsh here in Duxbury but in Boston, where he grew up (,) they were bone chilling.

She is grateful they live near the ocean (,) so close to where the Plymouth Pilgrims landed in 1620, where the very first Thanksgiving feast took place.

The children saw Mr. Paine’s wagon, loaded high with barrels and piles of rope pulled by huge brown horses in harnesses with bells on them (,) approaching from behind.

The horses (horses') harness bells jingle with each tandem step.

The vapor hangs in the air in front of them looking like teakettles at full boil.
(Great sentence!)

Just fine (,) Mr. Paine.

Eliza Jane tried to stop thinking about the embarrassing fall and Wills (Will's) fingers on hers by recalling the sermon about the Tower of Babel of Sunday past.

Happy birthday (,) Eliza.

I brought you this (,) .” Will Weston said as he handed her a lovely molasses stick wrapped in paper and tied with a pink ribbon.
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Review of Bus Stop  
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This story has it all: a man grieving over the lost of his wife, the restless spirit of another man looking for closure on his death, and a girl just waiting for the right man to come along to spend her life with. Combine all three and you get a great story. Each part of the puzzle leads to the next, until the picture is complete. Good job! *Thumbsup*

Great description of the man in the mist!

Some things to consider when editing:

Seated across the aisle was a skinny girl with frizzy blond hair wearing a tacky red vinyl jacket and a Mets cap askew on her head strung out on who knows what, staring off into space with vacant eyes and grinning at some chimerical vision of an obscure utopia only she could see.
(This sounds as if the blond hair was wearing the jacket. Suggest something like this instead: Seated across the aisle was a skinny girl with frizzy blond hair. She was wearing a tacky red vinyl jacket and a Mets cap askew on her head--strung out on who knows what drug--staring off into space with vacant eyes, grinning at some chimerical vision of an obscure utopia only she could see.)

I prefer to sit on the bus feeling the motion (,) gliding along like the rivers into the sea, looking out the window at the world floating by like a big-screen TV, and going with the rhythm in the now of Greyhound.

The other passengers poured off the bus squinting and sucking on their low tar (low-tar) butts, some dragging or being dragged by impatient, squalling children to the rest rooms.

The weather had cleared, so I could see now, across the freeway and beyond the frontage road, (to) the sparkling new Oak View Condominiums with a very spacious parking lot.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this. I like the way Walker opens his home to the elderly homeless, and the way they interact with the children in the snow. And the ending was a sort of surprise, wasn't it? Is Nick really Santa?

“Now, who’s a slowpoke (,") ”, laughed Joshua.

The lovingly crafted stable, with its animals and baby Jesus (Suggest: sleeping in the small manger,) lying sleeping in the small manger, deepened his smile and took away some of the gray from his sad face.
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Review of The Last Guardian  
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a very 'edge-of-your-seat' story. You built the tension well. Very well written... I think some background on the Stermines is needed. Who exactly are they and how did they become the enemy of these people? I thought the story ended too soon. This story could be expanded to include much more. Good job! *Thumbsup*

“Where is Denk?” A desperate question from my mate.
(Suggest: "Where is Denk?" questioned a desperate mate.)

“A Stermine is near!” cried several, scurrying in terror to the shaking (,) shattering thunder of a monstrous footfall.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This has a unique storyline, to be sure. I did find myself chuckling as the poor boy tried so desperately to prove that hair didn't belong to him. Because of a hair, a promising 'pizza career' was lost. *Laugh*

"No ma'am, I don't see it" (,") I answered turning my head down to avoid her breath.

"Fine." (,") I said begrudgingly, my teeth clenched, jaw flexed.

"Do you always look at people's crotch (crotches) like that?" I asked snidely.

Several articles ran, interviews (interview) requests came almost daily and people on the street could pick me from a crowd so accurately, I swear they likely knew the texture of my middle-right toe.

"Turn him around, boy!" The (the) evil cameraman yelled frantically.

The kid was doing whatever this crazy man with the camera told (him) and I realized that he would get desperate.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done, Jim! *Thumbsup* This says it all, doesn't it? There is definitely a need for improvement of the 'No Child Left Behind' Act. The way it is now doesn't make sense.

He has drove (driven) down the previously sky-rocketing gas prices.

If a school with an 85% passing rate on the standardized tests (high above average) remains with the same rate for the next year, it could be put on an an (delete 'an') academic watch list, because it still has 15% of students who might be "left behind."

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Review of The Skirt  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
LOL...I can relate to this story. I went to a Catholic school and also had to wear uniforms. (weren't they ugliest things you ever saw?) Anyway, I was thrilled to read that the girls got with it (after Nancy showed them the way) and the hemline inched up above the knees in the school. *Laugh*

This story flowed along so smoothly, I was amazed. *Shock* And not one error!! *Thumbsup*
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Review of The Day Pigs Fly  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I liked the way you made the pigs actually fly and thus, made the impossible happen. But the ending was confusing.

The father held him up, tight against the wall, his face close against (Mike's) Mikes.

An the population of an entire town, all living inside a tower.
(This doesn't seem to go with the rest of the story. Reading it caused confusion. What town was living in a tower?)
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