The beginning hooked me in. Who killed the colonel? I got the impression this would be a war story, but I was wrong. Craig was just dreaming of his days in the military. But... if dreaming, how did he know the colonel was murdered in his office after Craig left it?
The story then shifts to Craig's civilian life working as a special undercover agent for the government. Here comes the second hook: why is someone trying to kill Craig?
The characters and dialogue are realistic. Max seems to be a bit scatter-brained at times but Craig appears to know what he's doing. I thought this was a good beginning to the what appears to be a continuing story.
Consider the following when editing:
His brown worn out (worn-out) field dress was pulled tight around his muscular body.
The long hours he had spent in the gym and in hand to hand (hand-to-hand) combat were apparent in the controlled actions of his hands as he fiddled with a dagger.
He was a hard man, both physically and emotionally, and, (no comma here) he was proud to admit he had never cried as far back as he could remember.
“Your report(, Sergeant.") sergeant.”
The armies in the south are closing in, but we’re holding then (them) off pretty easily.
Turning half way (halfway) around he questioned, “Sir, what would have happened if you had missed?”
“Close the door, sergeant (Sergeant) , and look at me.”
“How, (no comma here) in blue blazes did you…!”
The sergeant looked back at the door and rolled his eyes(.) , “ Well, at least we know nobody will ever sneak up on the colonel.”
The contrast between them and her dark brown hair made her look like a green clad (green-clad) angel.
Craig took of (off) his hat and fingered the hole in (it.) the hat.
“No, but I did kind of walk in with out (without) asking.”
Susan started to sprint toward the radar truck(.) , “Bye, Craig, see you later.”
Craig looked in disbelief at the spot were (where) she had stood only moments before.
To his surprise, in a flash of lightning, he notice (noticed) that the plane’s jet streams curved to the north.
They had made it look like he was a big war hero, they threw him a good by party, and they even had a special ceremony to honor him.
(Suggest: They had made it look like he was a big war hero, throwing him a goodbye party and even having a special ceremony to honor him.)
Craig had, as soon as he revived, punched a hole in the water cooled (water-cooled) radiator to get a drink, (delete the comma) and wash the dirt from the gash in his hip.
He looked at the clock. 4:45 AM(.) , the (The) clock had been a present (from his mother when he joined the military.) of his mother’s from when he joined the military.
The thought of his mother brought tears to his eyes(.) , "Yea, God, I couldn't save her either."
Who was he talking to anyway(?) , their (There) couldn't be a God, (;) he had tried that road once.
Craig glared at the intrusion into his quite thought life (quiet thought-life?) and reach over toward the button to shut it off.
Then thought better of it, 'I wonder what the news has to say today'.
Suggest: Then thought better of it, wondering what the news had to say today.)
'Another documentary on the life of a soldier(,) right Brad(?) , that's (That's) still all it is to you, isn't it(?') .'
Brad had been Craig's best friend in the military, the (they) drank together, talked together, and had both saved each other's life several time (times), but then they were both transferred to the front lines.
Brad glanced at Craig laying in the middle of the truck wreckage, he started to walk over to help him, but he must have thought better of it because he had turned and walked away.
(Suggest: Brad glanced at Craig laying in the middle of the truck wreckage and started to walk over to help him, but then must have thought better of it because he had turned and walked away.)
Craig had managed to survive and wandered toward the nearest military controlled (military-controlled) city and arrived several days later.
Craig chuckled and shut of (off) the TV.
They (The) government had tried to get him to go into early retirement, but he hadn’t been able to swallow the idea of (doing nothing at all for a living.) not doing something at all for a living.
‘…at least that’s what the stats say(,') .’ Craig thought.
Craig peeked through the window at the 1979 Corvette pace car parked in his (driveway.) drive way.
He strapped (on) the shoulder holster (and threw on his charcoal-gray suit coat.) on himself and threw on his charcoal gray suit coat.
He stepped out side (outside) and opened the car door on the passenger side.
He climbed in and looked at the driver. He was a short man, about 5’3”, and weighed Craig guessed, about 170 Lbs.
(Consider combining: He climbed in and looked at the driver who was a short man, about 5'3," and weighing Craig guessed, about 170lbs.)
“Craig, climb in or were {b](we're) going to be late.”
“Come on, Max, stop worrying, the office doesn’t care if were (we're) late.”
He climbed in the car and let his body relax as he sunk in to (into) the custom leather seats.
“Not to (too) great, I’m sore all over from working out yesterday.”
‘I wonder what ever (whatever) happened to the wreckage of the base camp?
I had just gone in to see the colonel and was talking with Susan when I saw those jets start to come in, than (then) everything seemed to explode…
Craig jumped(.) , “Oh! Max!
Max smiled consolingly at Craig(.) , “It’s still as plain as day(,) isn’t it?
Let’s go see if we can find the old camp site (campsite.) , you (You) could show me around and point out were (where) all the land marks (landmarks) are and…”
Max glanced in the rear view (rearview) mirror at a car that had just pulled out behind them and was rapidly gaining on them.
Max pounded the accelerator and glance (glanced) in the mirror at the car that was only now just starting to fall behind.
Craig looked at Max from his position on the floor(.) the (The) only words he could think of to say were, “I guess someone didn’t take their happy pills this morning…”
Thing (Things) like this had been happening to him all to (too) often as of late, and it was starting to get just a tad bit stressful.
The car behind them turned off onto a side road and disappeared(.) , “I don’t know, but whoever it was is not my favorite person in the world, they just blew the window out of my car.
I’m not feeling to(too) good.”
As soon as there was silence he put the phone back to his ear just in time to hear, “...He’s in the Morison Hospital, go there and finish the job(.) , your (Your) plane leaves at 12:15.”
Craig smiled a painful, half-hearted grin(.) , “Lavender... Craig Lavender, (and) you’re Doctor Jacob Thompson(.) , nice (Nice) to meet you.”
The Doctor’s (doctor's) eyes opened wide in surprise(.) , “How did you know that?”
Craig gave him his best serious eyed (serious-eyed)cop stare(.) , “That’s my business, to know things... and besides(,) you have a name tag on, remember?”
“Well, you apparently must be feeling a bit better(.) , your (You're) awake enough that it looks like you won’t need the medication I brought for you after all.”
Max, a little bewildered at the sudden change of locations, was ushered back into the room. (Suggest deleting this sentence. It's not really needed.)
“The glass couldn’t have been shot out with a regular gun, the pieces were far to (too) big.
Max looked puzzled for a moment(.) , “I guess I could have done that.
“The prospects are looking fairly good(.) , if (If) things go O.K. you’ll be back on your feet in less than one week.”
Thank you(,) Doctor.
His clothes, he noted with approval, were washed, folded neatly, and put on the chair beside his bed.
(Unrealistic. A hospital doesn't wash and fold a patient's clothes.)
Craig winced as a slight shudder went through his body(.) , ‘Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to leave so soon, maybe…’
I’m going to go grab a bite to eat from the café(.) , I’m thinking I need some food right now.”
Max shrugged and agreed, “…as long as you get me something too(.) , I’m famished, (;) its (it's) not easy to baby sit (babysit) someone all morning, especially someone as active and boring as yourself (you.).
He turned and walked towards the room up the hall(.) , on the doors to the rooms (The doors of the rooms) on each side of him were written (, rather sloppily, with) the names of the patients, (but at least they were readable.) rather sloppily but at least they were readable.
The man’s heavy breathing just out side (outside) the door showed him he had been just in time.
“…Guess even crooks can be color blind(," he thought.) .” He thought to himself.
He remember the days when a gun fight }(gunfight) would have scared him half to death, but this, along with most other forms of violence, seemed to have gotten old and boring.
He heard the man kick the closet door open, slowly he made his way toward the open bathroom door straight across the room from Craig.
(Suggest: He heard the man kick the closet door open, slowly making his way toward the open bathroom door, which was directly across from Craig.)
Craig rolled his eyes, cocked the gun and pointed (it) at the man(.) , “Freeze, FBI, you're under arrest.”
The man jumped and let the gun drop to the floor, (and) Craig saw the man (him) tense himself for a final fight.
The man slowly turned around(.) , “You’ve caught me, but you still didn’t win… there is (are) too many of us…”
Craig looked at black ski mask(.) , “Sir, I’m going to ask you to take that mask off, please. (Hmmm... why is he being so polite to a guy that tried to kill him??)
Thank you for your cooperation(.) , now (Now) if you’ll just put your hand behind you (your) back and…”
In a blur of flying glass and with (delete 'with') a rush of air(,) the man dove out the third story (third-story) window to his death.
“I hate it when agents kill themselves,” The (said the) figure of the man(,) a black silhouette in the dim lighting, a shroud of darkness (making his features almost impossible for the human eye to see, "but I hate it even more when agents fail to do what I want them to.") made determining his features almost impossible to the human eye, “but I hate it even more when agents fail to do what I want them to.
He shook his head, the only other mission he had ever fail (failed) should have, and normally would have, taken care of what he was going through now.
“Those stupid bombers didn’t do their job(.) , they (They) were supposed to eradicate all life from the base ten years ago(.) they (They)…”
Alex turned and glared a }(at) Tara(.) , not (Not) only was she a female, but she was also the most successful hit man, err…woman, in the business.
Tara looked shocked(.) , “You mean he actually put you in charge of me, but I… I’m… I’ll…”
She looked at him(.) , “All right then, what’s first… boss(?") .”
Alex decided he had better lighten the mood a little, as his only available agent; he couldn’t afford to start a fight with her right now.
(Suggest: Alex decided he had better lighten the mood a little, since he couldn't afford to start a fight with his only available agent right now.)
“No, nothing else(.") ,” he (He) shrugged(.) , “let’s ("Let's) go.”
Tara hesitated and flushed (flushed?? Did you mean blushed?) , “Uh, could you wait here a minute(?) , I have to do something.”
Craig had met Max on the way down the (stairwell) stair well.
Needless to say Max was disappointed that he missed a shoot out (shootout), even though, as Craig kept trying to explain, it was only the man that did the shooting, not him.
(contrary to popular belief, the FBI doesn’t have the ability to trace the cereal (serial) numbers on bills to see where they came from).
Craig took his wallet from the man’s hand and looked at Max(.) , “Did you get a hold of the car company?” he asked with a tired sigh.
Max looked up (.) , “Yea, they hadn’t started to work on the windows yet, but they had already started on the paint.
‘That figures, it takes fifteen minutes for an ambulance to arrive at the (hospital) hospitable.’
The rescue crews busily rushed to the scene(.) , if (If) it hadn’t been their job(,) not even the police officers would have noticed Craig and Max.
Tara sat across the cabin and stared out the window, she was already looking pale.
(Consider: Tara sat across the cabin, already looking pale, and stared out the window.)
Alex knew that she hated flying, (;) as a matter of fact, it was just about the only thing that she had ever really been afraid of.
Alex smiled as he glanced out the co-pilot’s window at the emerald blue (emerald-blue) water below them.
The twelve foot (twelve-foot) white caps swelled and crashed to the sea time after time, but from way up there they seemed to be tiny little ripples in the tremendous blue mass far below them.
Sure enough this pilot was no exception(.) , he (He) suddenly started talking casually about flying, how he’d flown choppers during Desert Storm until their loss became apparent, he had (delete 'he had') then gone underground where he got the job with the U.C.S., the Universal Communist Society, and how great it was to work for them.
Alex smiled and stared of (off into the distance through the windshield.) through the windshield into the distance.
The job had just gotten too monotonous, (;) there wasn’t any variety left in it(.) , he (He) was always killing someone for some reason or another, and it no longer carried any excitement or adventure for him.
After that the real flight would begin, they would take off by leer jet and then fly straight to Chicago, until then he could relax.
(Suggest: The real flight would begin after that as they took off by leer jet, flying straight to Chicago. Until then, he could relax.)
Craig turned to Max who was examining the interior of the car(.) , “Find anything?”
Craig walked over and scanned the windowless vehicle; there wasn’t much for (delete 'for') damage at all.
Max turned round(.) , “What? You find something?”
It seemed to be cone shaped (cone-shaped) inward, (delete the comma) and rather like a bullet hole, but it also bubbled into little beads around the smaller end of the hole.
He stared in (bewildered silence,) a bewilder silence, and then handed the piece to Max.
Its }(It's) like when you take and weld on a piece of really thin steel, but instead of jus (just) making a weld(,) you hold it in one spot to (too) long and accidentally burn a whole through it.”
Craig caught on to the idea(.) , “… but why, if that’s the case(,) is there just broken glass(?) , wouldn’t (Wouldn't) there be some sort of burn mark somewhere in the car…(?") ”
Craig smiled at him and slowly reached back into the slice and every (ever) so carefully extracted a long(,) thin shard of glass.
“Let’s get this back to the office so we can run some lab checks(,) shall we?” Max said.
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