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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You described Santa so well, I could almost smell him myself. *Laugh* This was an eye opener. Two Santas... one fat and jolly... the other thin, naked, ugly and evil. Imagine if such a thing was true? Naughty children would have more to fear than just getting coal in their stockings, that's for sure. *Shock* You wrote this well. Write On!


A bright eyed (bright-eyed) blonde boy in Kermit the Frog pyjamas, pretending to be asleep.

its (It's) face came closer, and I knew those teeth were preparing to catch hold of my bloodless, terrified face and tear it from my skull.


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Review of Math Gremlin  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This certainly has a unique storyline. You paint a vivid picture of Mrs. Cuntz and her description of the 'Math Gremlin' to the students. Was it the power of suggestion that made the students forget the math once they left the classroom... or something more? You know what they say: what goes around comes around, and that Math Gremlin decided to give Mrs. Cuntz a taste of forgetfulness. *Smile* Poor teacher....

Consider the following when editing:

It wasn’t until she shut the door, cutting off the room’s airflow, (delete the comma) that they finally looked toward the front.

Her face, pale, because of her lack of makeup.
(Fragment. Suggest: Her face was pale, because of her lack of makeup.)

Her figure, none.
(She had no figure.)

"Know ("No) matter how much you pay attention in class, and no matter how much you think you understand what we talk about in class, I guarantee that when you walk out this door, the Math Gremlin will suck it right out of your little heads."

She was in charge of the National Honor Society, hand picking (hand-picking) only the brightest from the student body.

Students who never spoke to each other in school exchanged phone numbers(,) creating study groups at night.

Darla had just been inducted to the National Honor Society and the students were treated to half day (a half-day) off from school and a trip to a local dining establishment.

It was the type of place that many of the students had never been to(,) which was why Mrs. Cluntz chose it.

Darla pulled one of the desks over to the door way (doorway), grabbed the scotch tape dispenser off the teacher's desk and blocked the doorway long enough to hang her handiwork.

"May I help you?" She (she)] said to the closed door.

No one wearing patent leather shoes, a cape and fake long red finger nails (fingernails) as she had imagined.

She looked behind the door to the other stall (and) was surprised not to find long scratch marks running the length of the stall (door.) doors.

"This isn't funny(,") ." She (she) said loud enough for anyone around to hear.

Then next day she went in to (into) her classroom and wrote her name on the board.

"Tell you what, rather than going over something new today, why don't you ask me question (questions) about any problems you are having with any homework or lessons we have already gone over up to now."

It was a wrote (Do you mean 'rote'?) she had taught her oh, so forgetful students.

"Pay Attention!" She (she) yelled.

"Mrs. Cluntz, is there a problem?" He (he) asked.

Her husband found he could only get her to sleep if he slipped Tylenol Nighttime in to (into) her food.


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128
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nicely written horror story... It gets the reader's heart racing reading about how these children tackle the creature. I must say, though, that I was amazed that ten-year-olds would be brave enough to do what they did. Some questions that kept crossing my mind were: Why didn't they go for help? Or call 911? Why didn't Travis run home for help? I thought it was ingenious the way they managed to kill the creature. The ending, though, was a letdown. I expected more than just Ryan fainting...

Consider the following when editing:

He peers out the window to see his moms (mom's) car pulling in.

“She yelled at me just cause im (I'm) white.”

“Well its (it's) true, she doesn’t yell at the black kids, pleeeeease go talk to her.”

“Ryan,” She crotches to look him in the eye “you’re getting older now and I can’t keep fighting your battles for you, sometimes you just have tough it out, and sometimes you can change things by swallowing your pride and making the first step, you might have to talk to her about what is going on, it may all just be a misunderstanding.
(This is an extremely long sentence. Suggest: "Ryan," she says, stooping down to look him in the eye, "you're getting older now, and I can't keep fighting your battles for you. Sometimes you have to just tough it out, and sometimes you can change things by swallowing your pride and taking the first step. You might have to talk to her about what is going on. It may be all just a misunderstanding.)

You can’t ever assume you know what people mean by there (their) actions.

Sometimes though, you are going to meet people that are just assholes and there is nothing you can do about it, but you can’t let it get to you, you are better then (than) them.

Within seconds he is half way (halfway) up the tree.

He pulls his BB gun out of the pillow case (pillowcase) that he keeps hanging from the tree and pumps is (it) a few times.

Aiming very carefully he shoots the sheet of metal that hangs from string beside his best friends (friend's) window.

He pauses and knocks (in) a super secrete (secret) pattern that could never be decoded: Knock, pound, knock knock pound.

The two blue blankets that are tacked to either side of the door frame (doorframe) create a cloth hallway that leads to the fortress.

Another blanket is tacked to the top of the door frame (doorframe) and gently flows at a downward angle to the entrance of the fort, crating (creating) a tunnel that becomes increasing cramped and adult-proof.

Travis sits on the couch and stares at the rats (rat's) nest.

The contraption consists of a seventies cable box Ryan found in the garage, a de-scrambler his dad gave him one day while his mother was away, and a snake pit of cables and wires connection (connecting) each of them to the wall and to the TV.

Muffled through the blankets Ryan’s mom announces(,) “Do you guys want to go to Taco Bell?”

“Yeah(,") .” they both yell.

“Can I get two tacos(, Momma Harris?") momma Harris?”

“Didn’t you already have one today(?") .”

“Will that be for hear (here) or to go(, Momma Harris?") momma Harris?”

“Don’t make fun of your poor old mother,” she says as they pull around(.) “I used to know what was going on ‘til I had you.”

As Ryan eats his tacos he yells to his mom(,) “Can you bring me some Kool-Aid?”

Ryan eats all his tacos and (drinks) a (delete 'a') half a pitcher of Kool-Aid during the first ten minutes of the show.

As his second foot slams onto the panels, vomit forces its way up his esophagus onto his tongue and out (of) his mouth.

His forth (fourth) step lands firmly on the wall at the end of the hallway.

Fear leaps into his eyes as the situation suddenly turn (turns) much more violent then the small boy is used to.

A few gut churning heaves and partial suffocation later, a huge pile of regurgitant lays next to the boys quavering (quivering?) face.

Ryan jumps back and leans against the wall, (pulling his knees tightly to his face.) he pulls his knees tight to his face.

Curiosity takes a hostage, (and) he slowly spreads his legs.

He yells to Travis(,) “Tell my mom I just puked all over the place.”

“What,” Travis says way to (too) loud “are you doing?”

Ryan puts his finger up to his mouth, then taps his ear and motion (motions) for Travis to come closer.

“What,” Travis says with the quiet that only comes form (from) seeing terror in someone else’s eyes(,) “are you doing?”

“Its (It's) an animal, a little lizard or something.”

Their heart’s (hearts) simultaneously skip a beat at the shrill sound.

Ryan looks right, then left, and begins to move left when a hockey stick stabs through a seam in the wall, Travis follows (following) with a smile.

Dropping his shoulders(,) he nods (shakes) his head from (side-to-side.) side to side.

Ryan looks, he sees the yellow wetness lead onto his bed, up the wall, and out his open window.
(Ryan looks and sees the yellow wetness lead onto his bed, up the wall and out his open window.)

“Well(,") .” Ryan says, not sure what to do next.

Looking under the crack (door) , they can’t see much.

Ryan reels at the increase in size over just a few minutes(.) , Travis only knows that this claw could not have made the tiny dots of liquid in the hallway.

“Hit it with the door(,") .” Ryan whispers, picking up the hockey stick. (When did Travis drop the hockey stick?)

Travis readies himself as Ryan takes a few steps back, (holding the hockey stick like a shotgun.) he holds the hockey stick like a shotgun.

Travis slams the door into the creatures (creature's) side, and Ryan sprints toward it.

As it makes its way toward the open window, they can see it’s (its) back.

Before Ryan can think(, it leaps easily out the open window.) it leaps, with ease, out the open window

All that is left of Ryan’s mother is a head, two feet (that lay where they would if her legs existed) and two hands (that lay where they would if her arms had (survived) and bits and pieces of flesh and bone leading to a striped and cracked rib cage.) survived, bits of flesh and bone lead to the striped and cracked rib cage).

The rest of her is just stringy pulp and pools of blood that fill the pattern of (the) mattress.

Reaching the last door on the right, It (it) recognizes Ryan’s familiar scent.

It immediately rears up on it’s (its) hind legs and slams it’s (its) body into the door.

The top of the blanket now hangs ninety degrees to the floor and the rest slowly slopes toward the door, ending flat on the floor and touching each side of the (doorframe.) door frame.

“Hope this thing still works, (;) where’s the hair spray?”

“Ok(,") .” an unsure Travis squeaks.

Ryan pick (picks) up his ropes, grabs the door knob, and waits.

“One, two, three,” Ryan begins to count aloud(,) “four, five, six, seven.”

Travis drop (drops) his ropes and steps on them.

The things (thing's) claw retreats back into the blanket and an eternity passes.

Finally, the things (thing's) head emerges form (from) the blanket.

It looks directly to (at) Ryan and snaps its jaws, the six inch (six-inch) canines whipping past its lower mandible.

Travis pushes the grill starter, and the creatures (creature's) head snaps toward him as the tiny button makes a click.

The potato launches at the creatures (creature's) head and the lawn dart plunges through its eye and into its meaty skull.

It flops onto the (floor.) ground.


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129
Review of The Swing  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice build-up of tension in this story... It holds the reader in its grip right to the end. The characters and dialogue are realistic and fits the story well. This story kept my eyes glued to the monitor. Nice imagery when the "Hood's" name was discovered.

Consider the following when editing:


Tall, mellowed beams of deep, rich grain united at their joins (joints) to hold aloft to heaven their cross beam.

It hit her left arm and the splintering of her forearm sending (sent) blue pain flashing through her brain.

Tracey had been an Architect (architect) with the same firm for several years.

It is (was) close enough to their two sets of parents but not too close.

Having organized time off work, Tracey went back to her five-year old (five-year-old) daughter’s hospital bed.

"Was she playing on the swing in Grove Park?" One (one) of the attending nurses inquired.

Tracey nearly jumped out of her chair at the sudden noise(.) , "Oh! You startled me!"

The nurse saw her anger(.) , "It’s OK, Mrs. Asterfe.

She was the mother of one of Cat’s schools (school) friends, Sandra.

The nurse saw the hesitation and thought she needed to be talked into it(.) , "Most of the names are parents of the kids hurt on the swing."

"Me! No." The (the) nurse said(,) then tidied her clipboard before continuing on her rounds.

The arc of the swing mathematically was double (the) length of the chain{b](,) and so the children were traveling sixteen meters at an overall speed of about sixty kilometers per hour at the apex of the arc.

She coo-ed (cooed) and soothed her child back to sleep then sat in her chair to wait for the morning.

She collapsed on the stairs of a building and gasped for air in her burning lungs.
(Suggest: She collapsed on the stairs, gasping for air, her lungs burning.)

She was sitting in (on) the steps of a grand old administration building.

"Its ("It's) been happening a lot lately.

Security Guard Matthew Bulwark left her on a leather couch (Previous paragraph you said it was a padded bench. Be consistent.) at the reception desk then went to his control center.

They need help but often cause a lot of damage and will steal what ever (whatever) they can carry."

I am an Architect (architect) with the Lands Down Firm on Maple."

"Yes(,) Ma’am.

He wore a hood with eyes cut out of it(,) hence the name.

He carried a wooden ax handle(,) which looks (looked) much like the modern day baseball bat.

Only the kids whose mother’s (mothers) looked died.

Cat responded of (to) all the pushing and prodding.

She opened her sleepy eyes(,) and her mother swamped her in hugs and kisses.

"He was chasing me, Mommy(,") ." Cat said with a tinge of fear in her voice.

"Who was chasing you, Honey(,") ." Tracey questioned(,) but knew the answer anyway.

She was a political Researcher (researcher) and knew her way around records.

It was Tracey’s Researcher (researcher) friend.

The Records (records') staff refuses to put any of it away.

The records show (showed) their names and the signatures of the judge and clerk of the court on their death warrant.

‘Big help Tracey thought
(Big help, Tracey thought.)

"So we check the payroll records for the (courthouse.") Courthouse."

She glanced at Trudy who had tears streaming sown (down) her face as she also searched the table.

Why(?") ." Trudy asked as she could see relief on her friend’s face.

"You got pregnant to (with) him, didn’t you!"

She channeled the rage to the ledger and promised to (delete 'to') herself that she would get this bastard.

"Daniel Gleen(,") ." Tracey said to the room.

He receives (received) a forceful blow(,) sending him skidding across the floor and smashing into other tables and chairs.

He sat up and gulped in air(.) , "The same Dr. Gleen that founded the county hospital and organized the medical guild."

Boxes were sent hurled (hurling) off the shelves at bulwark (Bulwark,) but with significantly less force.

Most did not reach (Bulwark.) bulwark.



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Review of Escape from hell  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very intense story... I could feel her fear as she ran for her life. I was happy she managed to escape, but was wondering how she did it? *Frown* I think Rebecca's mother should have been more shocked at hearing her daughter's voice on the phone. After all, she was supposedly murdered and a man confessed to the killing... If it was me, I think I'd have fainted when I heard, "Mommy, it's me."

Some things to consider when editing:

Another thought inundated her mind like a disastrous flooding (flood) washing a whole town: "What have I done?

In the mean time (meantime), nearly a thousand miles away, Rebecca's mother, Maria, was cooking for her husband and herself.

She had done all she could possibly do to find Rebecca; she had played all her cards, contacted every possible source of hope, written dozens of letters,(;) she had even asked God to swap her life for that of her daughter.


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Review of Wee Davy  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
You painted a very good picture of Davy. I felt I knew him. The ending was very uplifting. *Smile* Write On!

Consider the following when editing:

Well that’s any ones anyone's) guess, his parents and six brothers and sisters all struggled to reach five foot six. (five-foot-six.)

She lifted the matted (knit blanket) knitted blanket and exclaimed(,) “would (Would) you look at wee Davy(!) isn’t (Isn't) he a dout(.)

His three and five year old (five-year-old) brothers took this up as children do and ran around mimicking(,) “would (Would) you look at wee Davy(.) isn’t (Isn't) he a dout –

Davy left school at 13 (, but) not because he wanted to.

In fact(,) the Teacher (teacher) was all for writing to apply for a scholarship to the big school in Limerick(,) but his Father Pat put his foot down(.) “No, he’s needed around the house and to help work the land(.)

Davy could read and write and recite the twelve times twelve tables(,) not that there was a big need for multiplication round the cottage.

Some times (Sometimes) he would get word to come to the widow Gallagher’s cottage to read a letter she had received from her son Willy in Chicago(,) Illinois.

Maybe someday he would go to America and make his fortune but at the age 15(,) it was more a dream than a plan.

He just had hand me down (hand-me-down) clothes from his brothers and charity – not that he needed half decent (half-decent) clothes to work in the turf bog and potato field.

The only new thing he ever had was a pair (of hob-nailed boots.) hob nailed boots.
I suppose you might say he was serious minded (serious-minded) but that wouldn’t be right for when he enjoyed a good nights (night's) craic (what is a 'craic'?) as much as the next man.

If you where (were) a lucky one and got one of his smiles(,) you would see his whole face light up.

After Church (church) the two of them would walk out along the beach or sit on the rocks and watch the waves breaking.

Of course she let him catch her(,) that was the whole idea.

He would sweep her up in his arms, she would fling her arms round his neck and he would carry her slowly to the quite of the sand dunes.
(Consider this: He would sweep her up in his arms, and she would fling her arms round his neck as he carried her slowly to the quiet of the sand dunes.)

After a while they would talk, serious two (two serious) people planning talk.

He told her all he had read about America in widow Gallagher’s news papers (newspaper)- the jobs- the railways(,) the building work – the opportunities – the big money.

They would tell no one until they had saved the fares for two one way (one-way) boat tickets to America.

And so, dear friends(,) when a boy and girl who really truly love each other make a life changing (life-changing) pact – some how (somehow) they overcome all obstacles - and make it come true.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good dialogue... it made the story. I thought the characters were realistic. That's a good ring to have! *Delight* Nicely written... Write On!

Some things to consider when editing:

“My hands are freezing. When are you gonna’ git’ that durn’ furnace fixed?” She (she) asked impatiently.

“You don’t know watcha talking bout’! My granny loved this ring. She said that it was… well, magic.” She (she) said.

"What’s the matter?” He (he) slurred.


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Review of On the Island  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is much better, Tegan. It grabs the reader and holds their attention. The children's fear is evident thoughout. And the fact that the oldest children are only ten years old is a shocker. The children's dialogue is realistic to their age group. Edmund seems very mature and sensible for his age, and does a good job of controlling the panic. This story leaves the reader wanting more... There is so much more to tell. So, when's the next installment? *Laugh*

Some things to consider when editing:

I start crying in the piercing, shrieking tone only seven year old (seven-year-old) girls can accomplish.

It sounds like twenty other children are crying, and I know its (it's) not an echo because I stopped making noise moments ago.

I struggle in vain to sit up and begin crying all over (again), my voice rising with my unseen companions’.

“What’s going on?” I hear faintly over the (delete 'the') all the shrieking.

Remarkably, people stop talking long enough for him to begin asking questions(.) , “Is everyone in a box?”

Edmunds (Edmund's) voice rises again, silencing the chatter that's beginning to come up(,), “Any six-year olds?”

Does any one (anyone) have any food?”

“Hey!” Tasnova shouts(.) , “You’re not either.

“Where are we?” Edmund asks(.) , “Why are we all in these crates?

I see Edmunds (Edmund's) tennis shoes dangling in front of me, his legs twitching.

“Don’t ask questions,” warns the man as he shakes Edmund hard(.) , “Never ask questions, got it?”


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You build the tension up nicely in the second half of this story. It captured my attention and left me with many questions. Did she go back in time? Why was Eva hitting her with the rolling pin? I would have expected Eva to hit the man that had beat her child. *Confused* Can't wait to see what you add to this story. *Smile*


It's (Its) weight made my arm ache as I walked along, and soon it's (its) coldness seemed to penetrate my hand and arm, sending icy sparks up into my head.

I was in front of a blackened fireplace, staring at (a) few lumps of coal had no hope of warming the room up.

In my hand was a thick leather belt, the heavy silver coloured (silver-coloured) buckle smeared with blood.


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135
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all, let me say this is well written. It is very concise and factual. The paragraphs flow well, and it is very realistic. This letter is filled with emotion. I see a girl--woman, really--who is looking for answers, answers which her father seems incapable of giving her. I can feel her pain. It was good to see that she loves her son unconditionally, and it's a shame his grandfather can't even manage to get to know his grandson. You did a good job writing this. *Thumbsup*

Did one do most (more) of the disciplining than the other?

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Review of The Commander  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The beginning hooked me in. Who killed the colonel? I got the impression this would be a war story, but I was wrong. *Shock* Craig was just dreaming of his days in the military. But... if dreaming, how did he know the colonel was murdered in his office after Craig left it? *Confused*

The story then shifts to Craig's civilian life working as a special undercover agent for the government. Here comes the second hook: why is someone trying to kill Craig?

The characters and dialogue are realistic. Max seems to be a bit scatter-brained at times *Laugh* but Craig appears to know what he's doing. I thought this was a good beginning to the what appears to be a continuing story.

Consider the following when editing:


His brown worn out (worn-out) field dress was pulled tight around his muscular body.

The long hours he had spent in the gym and in hand to hand (hand-to-hand) combat were apparent in the controlled actions of his hands as he fiddled with a dagger.

He was a hard man, both physically and emotionally, and, (no comma here) he was proud to admit he had never cried as far back as he could remember.

“Your report(, Sergeant.") sergeant.”

The armies in the south are closing in, but we’re holding then (them) off pretty easily.

Turning half way (halfway) around he questioned, “Sir, what would have happened if you had missed?”

“Close the door, sergeant (Sergeant) , and look at me.”

“How, (no comma here) in blue blazes did you…!”

The sergeant looked back at the door and rolled his eyes(.) , “ Well, at least we know nobody will ever sneak up on the colonel.”

The contrast between them and her dark brown hair made her look like a green clad (green-clad) angel.

Craig took of (off) his hat and fingered the hole in (it.) the hat.

“No, but I did kind of walk in with out (without) asking.”

Susan started to sprint toward the radar truck(.) , “Bye, Craig, see you later.”

Craig looked in disbelief at the spot were (where) she had stood only moments before.

To his surprise, in a flash of lightning, he notice (noticed) that the plane’s jet streams curved to the north.

They had made it look like he was a big war hero, they threw him a good by party, and they even had a special ceremony to honor him.
(Suggest: They had made it look like he was a big war hero, throwing him a goodbye party and even having a special ceremony to honor him.)

Craig had, as soon as he revived, punched a hole in the water cooled (water-cooled) radiator to get a drink, (delete the comma) and wash the dirt from the gash in his hip.

He looked at the clock. 4:45 AM(.) , the (The) clock had been a present (from his mother when he joined the military.) of his mother’s from when he joined the military.

The thought of his mother brought tears to his eyes(.) , "Yea, God, I couldn't save her either."

Who was he talking to anyway(?) , their (There) couldn't be a God, (;) he had tried that road once.

Craig glared at the intrusion into his quite thought life (quiet thought-life?) and reach over toward the button to shut it off.

Then thought better of it, 'I wonder what the news has to say today'.
Suggest: Then thought better of it, wondering what the news had to say today.)

'Another documentary on the life of a soldier(,) right Brad(?) , that's (That's) still all it is to you, isn't it(?') .'

Brad had been Craig's best friend in the military, the (they) drank together, talked together, and had both saved each other's life several time (times), but then they were both transferred to the front lines.

Brad glanced at Craig laying in the middle of the truck wreckage, he started to walk over to help him, but he must have thought better of it because he had turned and walked away.
(Suggest: Brad glanced at Craig laying in the middle of the truck wreckage and started to walk over to help him, but then must have thought better of it because he had turned and walked away.)

Craig had managed to survive and wandered toward the nearest military controlled (military-controlled) city and arrived several days later.

Craig chuckled and shut of (off) the TV.

They (The) government had tried to get him to go into early retirement, but he hadn’t been able to swallow the idea of (doing nothing at all for a living.) not doing something at all for a living.

‘…at least that’s what the stats say(,') .’ Craig thought.

Craig peeked through the window at the 1979 Corvette pace car parked in his (driveway.) drive way.

He strapped (on) the shoulder holster (and threw on his charcoal-gray suit coat.) on himself and threw on his charcoal gray suit coat.

He stepped out side (outside) and opened the car door on the passenger side.

He climbed in and looked at the driver. He was a short man, about 5’3”, and weighed Craig guessed, about 170 Lbs.
(Consider combining: He climbed in and looked at the driver who was a short man, about 5'3," and weighing Craig guessed, about 170lbs.)

“Craig, climb in or were {b](we're) going to be late.”

“Come on, Max, stop worrying, the office doesn’t care if were (we're) late.”

He climbed in the car and let his body relax as he sunk in to (into) the custom leather seats.

“Not to (too) great, I’m sore all over from working out yesterday.”

‘I wonder what ever (whatever) happened to the wreckage of the base camp?

I had just gone in to see the colonel and was talking with Susan when I saw those jets start to come in, than (then) everything seemed to explode…

Craig jumped(.) , “Oh! Max!

Max smiled consolingly at Craig(.) , “It’s still as plain as day(,) isn’t it?

Let’s go see if we can find the old camp site (campsite.) , you (You) could show me around and point out were (where) all the land marks (landmarks) are and…”

Max glanced in the rear view (rearview) mirror at a car that had just pulled out behind them and was rapidly gaining on them.

Max pounded the accelerator and glance (glanced) in the mirror at the car that was only now just starting to fall behind.

Craig looked at Max from his position on the floor(.) the (The) only words he could think of to say were, “I guess someone didn’t take their happy pills this morning…”

Thing (Things) like this had been happening to him all to (too) often as of late, and it was starting to get just a tad bit stressful.

The car behind them turned off onto a side road and disappeared(.) , “I don’t know, but whoever it was is not my favorite person in the world, they just blew the window out of my car.

I’m not feeling to(too) good.”

As soon as there was silence he put the phone back to his ear just in time to hear, “...He’s in the Morison Hospital, go there and finish the job(.) , your (Your) plane leaves at 12:15.”

Craig smiled a painful, half-hearted grin(.) , “Lavender... Craig Lavender, (and) you’re Doctor Jacob Thompson(.) , nice (Nice) to meet you.”

The Doctor’s (doctor's) eyes opened wide in surprise(.) , “How did you know that?”

Craig gave him his best serious eyed (serious-eyed)cop stare(.) , “That’s my business, to know things... and besides(,) you have a name tag on, remember?”

“Well, you apparently must be feeling a bit better(.) , your (You're) awake enough that it looks like you won’t need the medication I brought for you after all.”

Max, a little bewildered at the sudden change of locations, was ushered back into the room. (Suggest deleting this sentence. It's not really needed.)

“The glass couldn’t have been shot out with a regular gun, the pieces were far to (too) big.

Max looked puzzled for a moment(.) , “I guess I could have done that.

“The prospects are looking fairly good(.) , if (If) things go O.K. you’ll be back on your feet in less than one week.”

Thank you(,) Doctor.

His clothes, he noted with approval, were washed, folded neatly, and put on the chair beside his bed.
(Unrealistic. A hospital doesn't wash and fold a patient's clothes.)

Craig winced as a slight shudder went through his body(.) , ‘Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to leave so soon, maybe…’

I’m going to go grab a bite to eat from the café(.) , I’m thinking I need some food right now.”

Max shrugged and agreed, “…as long as you get me something too(.) , I’m famished, (;) its (it's) not easy to baby sit (babysit) someone all morning, especially someone as active and boring as yourself (you.).

He turned and walked towards the room up the hall(.) , on the doors to the rooms (The doors of the rooms) on each side of him were written (, rather sloppily, with) the names of the patients, (but at least they were readable.) rather sloppily but at least they were readable.

The man’s heavy breathing just out side (outside) the door showed him he had been just in time.

“…Guess even crooks can be color blind(," he thought.) .” He thought to himself.

He remember the days when a gun fight }(gunfight) would have scared him half to death, but this, along with most other forms of violence, seemed to have gotten old and boring.

He heard the man kick the closet door open, slowly he made his way toward the open bathroom door straight across the room from Craig.
(Suggest: He heard the man kick the closet door open, slowly making his way toward the open bathroom door, which was directly across from Craig.)

Craig rolled his eyes, cocked the gun and pointed (it) at the man(.) , “Freeze, FBI, you're under arrest.”

The man jumped and let the gun drop to the floor, (and) Craig saw the man (him) tense himself for a final fight.

The man slowly turned around(.) , “You’ve caught me, but you still didn’t win… there is (are) too many of us…”

Craig looked at black ski mask(.) , “Sir, I’m going to ask you to take that mask off, please. (Hmmm... why is he being so polite to a guy that tried to kill him??)

Thank you for your cooperation(.) , now (Now) if you’ll just put your hand behind you (your) back and…”

In a blur of flying glass and with (delete 'with') a rush of air(,) the man dove out the third story (third-story) window to his death.

“I hate it when agents kill themselves,” The (said the) figure of the man(,) a black silhouette in the dim lighting, a shroud of darkness (making his features almost impossible for the human eye to see, "but I hate it even more when agents fail to do what I want them to.") made determining his features almost impossible to the human eye, “but I hate it even more when agents fail to do what I want them to.

He shook his head, the only other mission he had ever fail (failed) should have, and normally would have, taken care of what he was going through now.

“Those stupid bombers didn’t do their job(.) , they (They) were supposed to eradicate all life from the base ten years ago(.) they (They)…”

Alex turned and glared a }(at) Tara(.) , not (Not) only was she a female, but she was also the most successful hit man, err…woman, in the business.

Tara looked shocked(.) , “You mean he actually put you in charge of me, but I… I’m… I’ll…”

She looked at him(.) , “All right then, what’s first… boss(?") .”

Alex decided he had better lighten the mood a little, as his only available agent; he couldn’t afford to start a fight with her right now.
(Suggest: Alex decided he had better lighten the mood a little, since he couldn't afford to start a fight with his only available agent right now.)

“No, nothing else(.") ,” he (He) shrugged(.) , “let’s ("Let's) go.”

Tara hesitated and flushed (flushed?? Did you mean blushed?) , “Uh, could you wait here a minute(?) , I have to do something.”

Craig had met Max on the way down the (stairwell) stair well.

Needless to say Max was disappointed that he missed a shoot out (shootout), even though, as Craig kept trying to explain, it was only the man that did the shooting, not him.

(contrary to popular belief, the FBI doesn’t have the ability to trace the cereal (serial) numbers on bills to see where they came from).

Craig took his wallet from the man’s hand and looked at Max(.) , “Did you get a hold of the car company?” he asked with a tired sigh.

Max looked up (.) , “Yea, they hadn’t started to work on the windows yet, but they had already started on the paint.

‘That figures, it takes fifteen minutes for an ambulance to arrive at the (hospital) hospitable.’

The rescue crews busily rushed to the scene(.) , if (If) it hadn’t been their job(,) not even the police officers would have noticed Craig and Max.

Tara sat across the cabin and stared out the window, she was already looking pale.
(Consider: Tara sat across the cabin, already looking pale, and stared out the window.)

Alex knew that she hated flying, (;) as a matter of fact, it was just about the only thing that she had ever really been afraid of.

Alex smiled as he glanced out the co-pilot’s window at the emerald blue (emerald-blue) water below them.

The twelve foot (twelve-foot) white caps swelled and crashed to the sea time after time, but from way up there they seemed to be tiny little ripples in the tremendous blue mass far below them.

Sure enough this pilot was no exception(.) , he (He) suddenly started talking casually about flying, how he’d flown choppers during Desert Storm until their loss became apparent, he had (delete 'he had') then gone underground where he got the job with the U.C.S., the Universal Communist Society, and how great it was to work for them.

Alex smiled and stared of (off into the distance through the windshield.) through the windshield into the distance.

The job had just gotten too monotonous, (;) there wasn’t any variety left in it(.) , he (He) was always killing someone for some reason or another, and it no longer carried any excitement or adventure for him.

After that the real flight would begin, they would take off by leer jet and then fly straight to Chicago, until then he could relax.
(Suggest: The real flight would begin after that as they took off by leer jet, flying straight to Chicago. Until then, he could relax.)

Craig turned to Max who was examining the interior of the car(.) , “Find anything?”

Craig walked over and scanned the windowless vehicle; there wasn’t much for (delete 'for') damage at all.

Max turned round(.) , “What? You find something?”

It seemed to be cone shaped (cone-shaped) inward, (delete the comma) and rather like a bullet hole, but it also bubbled into little beads around the smaller end of the hole.

He stared in (bewildered silence,) a bewilder silence, and then handed the piece to Max.

Its }(It's) like when you take and weld on a piece of really thin steel, but instead of jus (just) making a weld(,) you hold it in one spot to (too) long and accidentally burn a whole through it.”

Craig caught on to the idea(.) , “… but why, if that’s the case(,) is there just broken glass(?) , wouldn’t (Wouldn't) there be some sort of burn mark somewhere in the car…(?")

Craig smiled at him and slowly reached back into the slice and every (ever) so carefully extracted a long(,) thin shard of glass.

“Let’s get this back to the office so we can run some lab checks(,) shall we?” Max said.


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Review of Red Sun  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Is this a true story? If so, I hope that sergeant was court-marshalled.... or maybe the soldier's choice had been to shoot him instead of the woman, in which case a court-marshall would be unnecessary. I think I actually hated Sergeant Rebman, and I don't hate many characters! *Laugh* Well written... *thumbsups*

Consider the following when editing:


I’d been here for a few years, on the shore mainly typing up reports, doing inventories, and other such typical assistant work for a Captain (captain) there.

Most of them were as frightened as me of the (sergeant) Sergeant, and none knew if he’d butcher one of his own men like he butchered the innocent Vietnamese here.

The Sergeant (sergeant) quickly surveyed the line, and then started walking towards the burnt trees, yelling “March(.)

Sergeant Rebman addressed us, “We’re gonna go west along this ridge for a few miles and then, if all goes well, some of you boys will have your first fire fight (firefight).” He smiled(.) , “Move out ”

The Viet Cong forces we’d be fighting were known for ambushing men such as ourselves in the jungle, and doing things just as bad if not worse than what our Sergeant (sergeant), the Butcher, was rumored to do.

I looked up at the Sergeant (sergeant) ahead, continuously slashing at the vines and vegetation, a steadfast determination in his stride.

The Sergeant (sergeant) glanced around, a blazing fury in his eyes, checked his machine gun one last time, and stood up, yelling at the top of his lungs, “OPEN FIRE}(.)

As the Sergeant (sergeant) charged he beckoned the rest of us to follow, and I numbly obliged.

He looked around and selected myself (me), the young man, and a couple others, and called us forward before the prisoners.

The man, shaking, raised his rifle, tears in his eyes, and submitted to the Sergeant’s (sergeant's) wishes.

The Sergeant (sergeant) pulled a young woman to her feet, and beckoned the young man over.

“No, no I can’t(,") ” he screamed as he turned away.

I looked at the platoon(,) at the men who’d done this before.


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Review of Highway to Hell  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this to be very informative. It gives an insight into what the country is like and the climate. More so, it shows us how a soldier over there feels riding in a convoy, always on the alert for danger. It saddened me to read about the little children begging the convoy soldiers for water and food. I could understand his concern for the children getting hurt by running at the trucks, and as he said... where were the parents and how did the children get there??

This story captured my attention and kept me reading. It's a nice account of a soldier's view of the conditions inside Iraq.

Some things to consider when editing:


This was before armor was mandatory(,) and (I) felt that if I did get shot at, I would be protected.

Will my months-long training cause a reflexive nature and I would be on auto-pilot (, so to speak?) to speak?

The heat was overwhelming, and even though it was only March, it was still hotter than I was used (to) too.

My palms were sweaty, which may have been good, as the barrel and plastic of my weapon was becoming increasingly warm in the hot sun(.) , perhaps (Perhaps) the perspiration was the only thing cooling them enough to hold onto to (delete 'to') the one thing in my life that could protect me at that point (of time in my life.) in time of my life.

As hot as I was, it crushed me to see this (these) kids, kids my son's age, begging for water on a dangerous road.

Afterall (After all), what goes in, must come out.

On the side of the road was what appeared to be a primitive tool shed, but (I) found out this is the Iraqi version of a convenience store, as they would sell candy, and even Coca-Cola, and a variety of other items.

Seemed (It seemed) like an interesting way to drum up business.

I wondered to myself, "Why are we helping these people, (delete the comma) who beat their wives and leave them for dead in a ditch?". (delete the period)


{Image:1081349)

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Review of The Concrete Mile  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very well writeen. *Thumbsup* There is a nice build up of suspense as we read about his final walk down the corridor. We get the impression that this person was falsely accused of some gruesome crime. The ending catches the reader totally by surprise! Good job!


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good, descriptive beginning chapter... You give an insight into M'bro's character. *Thumbsup* Nice, easy-to-read writing style... Everything flows well.

You need to leave a blank line between paragraphs for easier readability.

Consider the following when editing:

Oh, sorry, best I tell you what (is) happening, otherwise you’ll be very confused.

We have the head of a deer which (that) melds into the body of a fox ending in hoofs of a deer, and also, once we’ve reached a certain age, we grow wings.

Wherever this Earth of your's (yours) is, we're far from it.

Austar is actually called Austar 16 because it is the sixteenth planet from the center of our 'solar system(,)' which contains four variously-sized suns (Admin, Gunin, Ctozin and Thmin) and a large planet-like meteor that shoots through the solar system every twenty years or so named Uracl.

Well, you see, we were very exited (excited) because school had just finished (who wouldn't be excited?), and we got marks to be proud of.

Everytime }(Every time) we have good enough marks, she tells us a story.

It is an event envied by all and a priviledge (privilege) me and M'bro are desperate to keep.

All they got out of him was that they were attacked by some type of terrorists.
(Suggest using active voice: All they got out of him was that some type of terrorists attacked them.)

He guessed that they were terrorists for they only attacked the Issiks (this was a time of rebellion against the rulling (ruling) class), and if the others had not tried to help their friends and co-workers, they would have been spared.

Well, first of all, he’s not the evil plotting type - really quite friendly actually - and second of all, after the scarf was found, he frankly said that he would not be able to do justice (to) the memory of his friend's (my Dad) work, and turned down the job.

M'bro could bring a smile to the most crancky (cranky) of faces - no exception - and his truly innocent and childlike manner just made you want to laugh (unless you're like me, and you've lived with this your entire life.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Such a sad story... you told it well. I felt sorry for the old, homeless man. He was hungry, had money, and paid for his food, yet he was still treated as a thief. It's a shame that he was judged by his appearance. I didn't think much of that young security guard. If he was my son, I'd be ashamed of him. *Frown*

Consider the following when editing:

That’s where he had to get (to) too.

He’s never tried it before, but this is the first time he has been in a grocery store for (delete 'for') in a long while, or has had a ten-dollar bill for that matter.

A woman stood in the cereal isle (aisle) staring at the man.

She pushed her cart and child away from the man as fast as she could, and accidentally ran into the side of the isle (aisle) sending a row of cornflakes flying across the floor.

There where }(were) two people in line in front of him.

The man flashed her his ten dollar (ten-dollar) bill like it was an FBI badge, just like she’d seen so often in the movies, and she started to ring him through.

“That’s alright (all right) ,” The (the) man’s gruff voice answered.

“Thanks a lot(,) miss.”

“You think it’s that easy(,) do ya!

We got ya of (on) video tape causing a woman to crash her cart into the cereal and making her child cry, and then there was the people at the cashier . . .”

Of course the article will go on to show the security guards (guard's) valiant effort to stop the thief and attacker, and utilize the front page to show the picture of Mary’s beautiful child Nathan Albright.

Sitting on a bench in Wascanna Park, the old man sat, ate his sandwich, and drank his drink.
(Suggest: Sitting on a bench in Wascanna Park, the old man ate his sandwich and drank his drink.)

It was the first time in awhile (a while) he had a decent meal, and he wished he could have another.

With his last couple bits of his sandwich, he crumpled them into small balls and fed them to a group of goslings that walked across (the) grass in front of him.

After the honking and squabbling came to an end, the geese waddled off towards the lake and disappeared into the (water) waters.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This has a nice storyline and it flowed well. There was a lot of love and lessons to be learned in this. The characters and dialogue were realistic. I was wondering, though, how old the little girl was, and what her mother died from. I enjoyed the 'angel' character. *Delight*

Some things to consider when editing:

It belonged to your grandma when she was a young girl, and when she passed on she gave it to me for (safekeeping) safe keeping.

That was the last time KC got to talk to her mom because the next day neighbors, friends, and relatives started coming to the ranch and (to) make preparations for the big party that they were planning to send mom off to the “…last roundup in the sky.”

We couldn’t pay for her right away, but the man who sold her to me said I could just keep given (giving) him a little money now and then until she was paid for, and then he’d deliver her right her (here) to the barn.

It was with this thought in mind; she started to make a plan.
(Suggest: It was with this thought in mind that she started to make a plan.)

As she finished up her chores, she realized that (delete 'that') she’d been so busy making her plan to ride the new pony (that she'd forgotten to think up a good name for her.) ; she’d forgotten to think up a good name for her.

“Well”, she thought, “I can do that while I’m riding her(.") ”.

KC turned toward the gate and lead (led) her new pony through the barn into the corral.

She could just lead her next to the fence real close and crawl up on the fence a couple of poles, then slide her leg over the pony’s back and with a quick push she’d be horseback in no time.
(Consider this: She could just lead her real close to the fence, crawl up on the fence a couple of poles, slide her leg over the pony's back, and then with a quick push she'd be on the horse's back.)

KC lead (led) the pony up close to the fence and started to climb up the poles.

So, down she came and lead (led) the pony in a circle, and (then) lined her up to the fence again.

That’s a great name and it fits you just perfect(,) doesn’t it?

Then she led her up along side (alongside) the fence again and climbed up two poles from the bottom.

Turning from the fence just a little and hanging on to it with one hand, the reins in the other, she slide (slid) her leg over Pretty Paint’s back.

Laughing (Laughter) that sounds like spurs?

That’s it; (,) I’m laying in the dirt, in the middle of the corral, with an itsy, bitsy, fat bellied (fat-bellied) cowboy laughing at me.

“Hey you, think you’re a pretty good cowgirl(, huh?") uh?”

“Darn tootin’ I’m here, and a good thing that I am, ‘cuz it looks to me like you’ve just gotten yourself in a heap of trouble(,) little cowgirl.” She had to admit, (no comma needed here) he was right about that.

Her head was throbbing, her bottom felt like her tailbone was permanently lodged between her shoulder blades, and she still couldn’t breath (breathe) that well.

“Well now, don’t start getting’ huffy at me(,) little one.

Darn it anyway, now you got me talkin’ to you just like you were real, and I know your (you're) just in my dream, a bad dream at that(,")” KC angrily yelled at the little Cowboy Fairy.

I’ll explain while you catch ‘ole Pretty Paint there, and put her back in her stall before you’re (your) dad gets back here and misunderstands your good intentions this morning.”

They weren’t laughing anymore, no it sounded a lot like her mama’s soft voice singing her to slept (sleep) at bedtime like she’d always done before she’d passed on.

Mostly, she would remember to learn from her mistakes and be humble enough to laugh at herself whenever she was foolish; (,) before anyone else could laugh at her instead of with her.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the way the story is told from the mirror's POV. *Delight* I could feel the mirror's anxiety in waiting for her to return to the room. It was evident that the mirror found it a bit ridiculous and amusing that it was required to tell her how beautiful she was every morning. A short, but entertaining story... Good job! *Thumbsup*


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Review of Ezra's Peace  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very well written... nice flow to it that made reading easy. The story had good paragraph construction and presented a nice visual picture of Ezra making weapons for a future war. The description of the total annihilation of the town was good.

Consider the following when editing:


Here he had taken up the blacksmiths (blacksmith's) art, for the need was immense.

As more and more refugees moved into the area, along with them came farmers, butchers, warriors, and hunters.
(Awkward sentence. Consider this: Refugee farmers, butchers, warriors and hunters came into the area.)

He varied the balance in the weapons until they seemed (to) dance on their own.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Laugh* This was an amusing story, and you write so realistically. I actually felt the poor girl's embarrassment over her mother's actions. Then again, there's a lot of things that embarrass young adults. *Delight* Keep on writing!


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very realistic story... exactly how a child would think and feel after doing something wrong. They know they're in BIG trouble! *Laugh* Well done! *Thumbsup*

He put it back and paced some more, "Oh yes, They're (they're) going to be mad.

Oh,(need a space here) what can I do?


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice beginning chapter... You set the scene well, giving the reader background info on the two brothers. Tag seems protective of Eddie and doesn't seem to be too enthused about Louie and his thugs.

Nice detailed description of Taq. *Thumbsup*

Check the story for misspelling of Tag. In places you spelled as Taq. You'll have to change Taq to Tag in the title, and wherever else it appears. ( mainly in the first few paragraphs)

Some things to consider when editing:

Everyone here has either an I and an E or a damn
Y or the end of their name...Joey, Billy, Frankie, Bobby, Louie. No f***in’ originality anymore, least not round here, he thought to himself, seems to go with the territory.
(Everyone here has either an I and an E or a damn
Y or the end of their name...Joey, Billy, Frankie, Bobby, Louie. No f***in’ originality anymore, least not round here,
he thought to himself, seems to go with the territory.)


“Thanks(,) Taggy,” Eddie answered and took a long drink before placing the mug back down.

She apparently had a very hard first labor and Louis Albert Lumskin was born after twenty five (twenty-five) hours of screaming and sweat.

Only a short one, mind you, but it only has to stop for a second or so to make its point, doesn’t it? Tag thought. (delete 'Tag thought.' )

Tag walked a few paces behind Maggie and her brother as they followed the black draped )black-draped) procession to St. Vincent’s cemetery.

Both boys started working odd jobs in the neighborhood, Louie first getting the job, whether it was washing cars or painting a house(,) and then convincing his employer to take on his brother as well.

The jobs never lasted long, and although the weak pay certainly kept Eddie in new comic books}(,) which made him smile(,) it never satisfied Louie.

The juke was quiet now, trying to locate the next request(,) and he heard it thunking as it thought.

Nice song, (Nice song,) Tag thought and gathered three more glasses and coasters.

“Jesus,” he said, loud enough to wake everyone in the place, “When (when) the hell is it gonna stop snowing, hey?”

One was the quieter one, Danny Saltico(,) and the other was Tommy Brisby who had a mouth like a truck driver on a bad road.

Tag had already begun pouring their choices when they spotted Eddie in their corner and finished hanging their snow blown (snow-blown) coats.

“Sure, Lou. You said be here, remember? Momma reminded me(,").” He (he) said and smiled a gap-tooth smile to (at) Danny and Tommy and they nodded back to him.

Louie’s dark eyes shot to the rear door where Tag reappeared and was wrestling with two cases of Schlitz.
(Suggest: Louie's dark eyes shot to the rear door where Tag reappeared wrestling with two cases of Schlitz.)

“Usual?” tag (Tag) asked and Louie nodded.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nice, fluent writing... Great imagery... It captured my interest from the start, as I saw a young, loving mother who was absolutely enthralled with her baby. I could feel her pain at the loss of her husband. She had such wonderful memories of him. I found Alan to be a very caring man who only had her best interest at heart. This story is well written. *Thumbsup*


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Review of Threshold  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful story filled with great imagery. There is a nice flow and rhythm to it that makes reading it a pleasure. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

Down into my arms comes the stiff white cotton nightshirt, blown into a shape of it’s (its) own by the easterly winds.

Her cool breath has done it’s (its) chore, and for that much I am grateful, as I detect the sweet smell of rain ebbing closer.

Now with the quiet that permeates our forest corner I stand (stock-still.) stock still.

Dark and cave like (cave-like) , the cabin seems to wrap around me as I lay the linens down on (a) chair.

To live in the forest is to be one with all it’s (its) life.

With hair squalling and mimicking the branches outside in a frantic dance, I taste the air and revel in it’s (its) earthy delight.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I hope this story's description of what went into making those 'dirty bombs' doesn't give anyone ideas of trying it themselves. *Frown* It was interesting the way John obtained the things he needed for the bombs from three different people. Seems to me they were accomplices, if nothing else. Were they caught?

John kept focused on the task at hand, except for a brief moment when he wondered what the heck he was doing. Which made me wonder the same thing, because John appeared to be raised in America, in a society he grew up loving. Yet somewhere along the line he traded John Kennedy for bin laden. He was ready to wage a holy war for Islam.

You take the reader step-by-step through that fateful day when John set off his dirty bombs and destroyed Manhattan, and you did it well. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

The foot steps (footsteps) echoed down the hallway.

Into the bathroom to shower and shave.
(Sentence fragment. Suggest: He went into the bathroom to shower and shave.)

“How easy it would be to end this now(,") ”, he thought, staring into the mirror.

The ten minute (ten-minute) ride to midtown seemed like hours.

Placing his hand on the drivers (driver's) shoulder, the driver handed him a brown bag.

Just a two block (two-block) walk to the subway, but every person he walked by pissed him off.

As he descended in to (into) the subterranean lair of the man, the warmth hit him in the face like a violent slap.

Through the turnstile and onto the platform to wait. Wait.
(Fragment. Suggest: He went through the turnstile and onto the platform to wait.)

Johns (John's) days of waiting were over.

By accepting the Islam religion, John accepted the holy war as part of his religious duty. A war in which he was more than ready to wage.
(Consider: By accepting the Islam religion, John accepted the holy war as part of his religious duty, a war he was more than ready to wage.)

As the train pulled into the station, the conductors’ (conductor's) door opened and a middle aged (middle-aged) male smiled at John and placed a small thermos on the floor.

He couldn’t take the chance that a cabbie might be (delete 'be') remember him.

He had arrived at Wall Street by lunch time (lunchtime) , and all though (although) he was hungry, his nerves wouldn’t let him eat.

The streets were filled with the lunch time crowds. Hundreds of people hurrying by, in a rush to grab a quick bite to eat and get back to work.
(Suggest combining these two: The streets were filled with the lunchtime crowd, hundreds of people hurrying by in a rush to grab a quick bite to eat and get back to work.)

As he arrived at the park, he was happy to see that it was no where (not) as busy as the bustling Wall Street had been.

He had everything he needed; (:) a cell phone, wire, black powder and blasting caps.

John had no idea he was about to be come (become) famous, as well as infamous.

He was startled by the ringing of his cell phone.
(Consider using active voice: The ringing of his cell phone startled him.)

John rose from the steps, stretch (stretched) and took one last look around before he walked away.

At the bottom of the steps he though (thought) he heard it. (Heard what?)

New Yorker’s (New Yorkers'), in all their resilience, finally resigned to defeat.


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