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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not sure of the timeline here. Did they have clocks in 1862? And would there be a uniformed officer coming to the door? Or just one of the townsfolk? Also, were there phones in 1862 for him to use to call the doctor? *Confused* Other than that, I think you have a nice beginning chapter here. You set the scene well for what is sure to follow in the next chapter.

Consider the following when editing:



“Would someone please stop that pounding!” Groaned (groaned) Katie as she rolled over in her bed pulling her covers over her head to muffle the sound.

“Yes, Sir(,") .” Katie acknowledged, her eyes darting nervously back and forth.

Is this a joke? she thought to herself.
(Is this a joke? she thought.)

“Did John put you up to this?” She (she) asked the officer, referring to her older brother who had a tendency to play practical jokes on her.

Please tell me what is going on(,") ?” Said (said) Katie, getting worried now.

“I’m sorry to tell you that there has been an accident and I’m afraid your father, Mr. Logan(,) was killed,” he said solemnly.

“Miss?” The (the) officer asked, wondering if her mind was registering the significance of his words.

Once she had relaxed a little, John gently positioned her in the large tapestry covered (tapestry-covered) armchair in the corner of his room and covered her up with a blanket.

Now will you please hand me my hat so I may leave(?) .

“What is going on(,) Officer?

“Well, Sir. That is correct. There has been an accident, but I’m afraid to say that your father was killed.(")

Unfortunately, I am positive(,) Sir.

“It’s not true!” Katie cried out as she returned to the room(,) having composed herself the best she could.

John helped Katie steady herself and continued the conversation.” (delete the quote mark)

I’m sorry about that(,) Sir.

I am sure of that(,") .” John replied.

“Thank you, Officer(,) .” John said, closing the front door behind the officer.

“What are we going to do, John? Father was all we had(,") .” Sobbed (sobbed) Katie.

I hope not(,) Katie.

“You called for Dr. Franklin(,) didn’t you.”

John left the room to go answer to (the) door(,) and she overheard him talking with the doctor, explaining what had happened.

Most times it would be an animal birthing(,) but it was the times that she was able to assist in the birth of a real baby that she was most excited.

“What is it(,) Mr. Johansson?” John asked tentatively.

“I know(,").” he replied.

After the accident, I went through some of your Father’s (father's) private papers and found that he had been involved in some risky investment opportunities.

“No(,") .” Mr. Johansson replied, apologetically.

“No such thing(,").” Katie said sarcastically, stalking out of the room(,) leaving the men to finish their conversation without her.

Good-bye, Mr. Johansson(,").” Bid (bid) John as he started to close the door.

“Oh, I almost forgot(,").” Mr. Johansson said quickly.

I want you to know I appreciate everything you are doing for us and will see you tomorrow(,") .” John replied closing the door behind Mr. Johansson.

“Now what?” Asked (asked) Katie, as she heard him walk up.

“I am just as upset as you are(,) Katie(,") .” John said as he sat down beside her.

Look at me(,) Katie(,)” he said cupping her chin and raising her face to look him in the eyes.

“I know you will, I just feel so helpless right now(,") .” Katie complained.



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177
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not sure what the misadventures of Ellie are suppose to be. *Confused* As far as I could tell, she had none in this chapter. The storyline left me wondering.... Is this chapter about Mitch going to a conference, or Ellie finding a girl in her son's room? Neither seems connected to the other. But perhaps, I need to read Chapter One first? I thought the dialogue between Mitch and Ellie was good.

Some things to consider when editing:


Mitch was rushing around his office, shoving paperwork in to (into) his briefcase.

I had a sneaking suspicion though; (,) from some of the clothes that Mitch had packed(,) that there may be some pretty attractive women P.I.'s at this conference.

I know you could get in to (into) trouble doing just about anything.

Not like we needed the files, they were all on the computer already (anyway.) anyways.

Simon rarely had it loud when it was just (by) himself, often using the headphones to save my sanity.

Grabbing the bags of groceries, I went in to (into) the house, kicking off my snow-covered shoes at the front door.

Not that that would have mad ea (made a) difference, though.

“ It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Thornton(.") ,” she (She) pumped my arm.


Nice to meet you, too, Maya(."),” I looked at Simon. ("That's fine.) ” That’s fine.

Trying not to be flustered from finding a girl in my sixteen-year-old sons (son's) room, I had to keep cool.

This time he did roll his eyes at me and went back in to (into) his room.



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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
You did a good job describing living through the hurricane and tornado. I could feel the fear and despair as those ceilings fell and water gushed in. It must have been a horrific experience. I wondered if that 57ft. wave hit and how far the flood waters went.

Some things to consider when editing:

My face was pale and my heart was racing as I thought to myself, This has to be the worst storm I've seen since Freddy.
(My face was pale and my heart was racing as I thought, this has to be the worst storm I've seen since Freddy.)

It went down sluggishly at first, almost as if in slow motion, as it came to a rest in (my neighbor's and my front yard.) mine and my neighbors' front yard.

Great, I thought, a leaking ceiling in the middle of a hurricane.
(thoughts should be italicized. Great, I thought, a leaking ceiling in the middle of a hurricane.



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Review of A Rookie's Tale  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You set the scene of a small town where nothing ever happens well. It seems even crime is practically non-existent here... just a sort of laid back kind of place. Then the girl hits the car. Yikes! More excitement than that poor young police officer has had in who knows when. Unfortunately, the poor guy loses his wits when confronted with a possible homocide. *Laugh* That was a rotten joke to play on him....


The last major arrest we made was a few weeks ago when two drunk guys at the only pub in the town got into a fist fight (fistfight.).

Great going(,) David Bradshaw.


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Review of Black Blood  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful story! You portayed the boy's courage and bravery extremely well. The story had a nice, easy reading pace and certainly captured my interest. Keep up the good writing!

A few things to consider when editing:

Dom looked up at him and then back down to the weimeranner (Weimaraner) wriggling around his knees.

The water would be ice cold, Dom thought, and remembered the hot summers skinny dipping (skinny-dipping) at such a place.

On the other side of the (lake) was a tangle of briars, scrub and trees that extended around the bend and out of sight.

Dom had witnessed these things such at this before.
(Dom had witnessed things like this before.)

“What do I do(?"),” Dom asked himself.

An old man yelling, “Run, boys, run. Don’t stop(.)”

The other man hung behind and was carrying the remnamts (remnants) of a cane pole.

“ah’ll (Ah'll) kill ya.


An ah’ll kill those little *********** of yours (too) two.

He cracked the seal and opened it and drank half of it right there in the store.
(He cracked the seal, opened it and drank half of it right there in the store.)

He put the half pint (half-pint)]into his back pocket, grabbed a coke from the old Coke chest, paid the man, and walked back to the car.


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Review of Thanks Dad  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My first thoughts were, "What a shame." My second thought was, "Good for the son! He turned a bad experience into a learning experience, and became a great father to his own children." This story says so much. Very real-to-life... unfortunately. There are too many men like that out there, who call themselves 'fathers.'

Consider the following when editing:


When the family which (that) chose me divorced, my mother took me back, figuring that if I was going to come from a broken home it might as well be hers.

His attempts at having some privacy with me were a series of abductions; two or three, I’m not sure (of) the exact number.

We traveled for some distance on a two lane (two-lane) road passing large fields and intermittent houses.

Dennis had his own room, I can’t remember where the ten year-old (ten-year-old) slept, and Michael shared a room with me.

Dennis told (me) that he knew of a homeless shelter in Eugene, and that he’d been there before.


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Review of Pretty attacked  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
You paint a vivid picture. *Delight* Never a dull moment at the checkout counter, it seems. Pretty's quick thinking saved the day...or should I say, the food? *Laugh* I'm just surprised that drain cleaner didn't eat right through the pedal...

Queuing up to the right of the (delete 'the') her, customers awaited their turn, imitating the items on the conveyor belt, but unmoving.


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Review of Patrick Angel  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was written well. The story flowed along nicely, each paragraph merging almost seamlessly with the following one. I found Dad to be a very realistic character. His main concern seemed to be for his wife after he was gone. He didn't want her to be alone with no one watching over her. The little dog he got for his wife, also made his final days easier. So Patrick was indeed an angel in disguise.

Consider the following when editing:


Our family home was turning into a stressfilled (stress-filled,) emotional mess.

My three sisters and I would drop what we were doing with our own families to be there, do whatever they needed; no questions asked(,) no request to (too) minor.

In actuality it was his way of setting up the house so (for) when he left.

So he felt a food processor, a large screen (large-screen) television, a blender and some other kitchen gadgets would have (accomplished this.) this accomplished(.) ..

But the thing that he knew "momma would need most when i (I) am gone".....would be a dog to watch over her.

It was a bitter snow covered (snow-covered) Christmas eve day in 1998.

We knew(,) but never acknowledged aloud(,) it was going to be daddy's last christmas (Christmas) - we've had to (too) many close calls running back and forth to the hospital saying our last good byes.

I left my husbands (husband's) store late that morning to head over to my parents house to see if they needed anything for christmas (Christmas) eve dinner.

I greated (greeted) them with long hugs and the words "i (I)love you" to both, and sat down at the family court (the kitchen table).

I didnt (didn't) see it coming, and than (then) WHAM!

Mom got up(,) looking for the slipper she misplaced this morning(,) so dad and i (I)just chatting (chatted) away.

POPEYE cant (can't) Cry!

This was the man that i (I) feared the evil eye from!

The man that didnt (didn't) have to step in my direction inorder (in order) for me to behave!

Ten minutes later(,) i (I) am in my car.

I went to (from) shelter to shelter, pound to pound - and found absolutely nothing - only large dogs that would be able to give my parents horse rides.

I Called (called) my husband on my cell phone and told him my delima..(dilemma...) and obviously the only thing i(I) can do is buy a puppy(. He said,"Go for it, it's your Dad!") - he said go for it --its your dad!

So i walk (I walked) in to (into) the most dangerous place that i (I) have ever been introduced to...(a) PET STORE!

$1300.00 later i walk out with a leash, coller, toys, food, food bowl and a little box with the cutest little fluffy ball of fur of a s***zu puppy.
(Consider this: $1300 later, I walked out with the cutest little s***zu, which resembled a fluffy ball of fur, and a leash, collar, toys, food and food bowl.)

As I pull into my parents (parents') driveway, with my arms loaded with puppy gear, I open the door and my mom saw me and knew what i did.
(Suggest: I pulled into my parents' driveway, loaded my arms with puppy gear, and opened the door. Then my mom saw me, and knew what I had done.)

She motioned for me to her so i brought the box-o-fur with me and opened it up.
(She motioned me to her, so I brought the box-of-fur with me and opened it up.)

She saw him and tears wel'd (welled)in her eyes and (she) said(,) go ("Go) wake daddy up(,") as she pushed my arm towards the living room where he slept.

I saw this frail man curled up ontop (on top) of the sheets that covered the couch, (Consider: as the oxygen machine made its ticking noise.) as the oxygen machine was making its ticking noise.

I said(,) "daddy("Daddy, I have something for you.") ..i have something for you".

He turned to me and said(,) "his (His) name is Patrick.. a good ol' Irish name after your husband!"

Patrick earned his middle name Angel(.) for (For) those few days(,) he chewed on my dad's feet, napped on his chest, gave puppy kisses to both, barked at my mom, got into puppy mischeive and made my dads (dad's) wish come true.

My dad just knew that the little 2lbs s***zu (2 lb. s***zu) was going to protect my mother from any harm and take care of her.

The family house had to prepared to be sold, personal items packed up and now little Patrick didnt (didn't) have a home.

Till this day, my patrick angel }(Patrick Angel)is perfect.

He never barks when he isnt (isn't) supposed to , never growls at anyone or anything when its (it's) not called for.

My husband has a different opinion when Patrick feels the need to bark at 1:00am as he is shredding my husbands (husband's)slipper. As far as i (I) am concerned(,) he is an angel and could do thing (nothing) wrong.


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Review of He's my Mom  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow...great storyline! That had to be a shock to the kids. *Laugh* Interesting read...

Consider the following when editing:

I believe you(,) but are you sure?”

Jillian’s long brown hair was pulled back in a pony tail (ponytail) holder since she had spent most of the evening crouched over the toilet.

“(no quote marks here) Jillian scuffed her bare feet across the plush, lavender carpet that spilled into her circular bedroom.

The deep purple comforter lay crinkled on one half of the perfectly round bed(,) which was centered in the room under a classic disco ball.

As she walked through the kitchen, Jillian grabbed a sixteen ounce (sixteen-ounce) Pepsi from the fridge.

Jillian threw her thin arms around her six foot seven inch (six foot seven-inch) brother.

Some girl left it at my apartment(.) .:

“Yes, And (and)she’s not coming back.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a turn of events! *Laugh* Mama Bear gets her revenge, eh? *Wink* Nicely done. This puts a whole new meaning to Goldilocks and the Three Bears!

A few things to consider when editing:

“If only I could get my hands on her(..." she fumed.) …,” she fumed.

He cringed with shame as he recollected how even lazy(,) obnoxious Junior had caught half a dozen fish with his bare paws, no less.

As he came back in after disposing off (of) the garbage, he confessed his feelings for Goldilocks to his parents.

As Mama Bear hugged him, she thought(,) “Now I know what it is to kill two birds with one stone.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This flowed beautifully. Very realistic... The characters stand out... Scary storyline... And the moral is: Don't take rides from strangers. *Wink*

Some things to consider when editing:

It was just after 6 a.m., and it was pouring down. (what was pouring down?)

“Pleased to meet you mister (Mister) Caprice,” he replied.

A few years from now, he’d been stealing cars alright,” he said.
(This doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps: He'd been stealing cars for a few years now all right.")

You don’t plan to drive(,) do you?”

That damned(,) damned kid!”


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This had me drooling! Oh! Such lovely CHOCOLATE... light chocolate, dark chocolate, soft-filled and hard-filled candies that melt in the mouth, driving the senses crazy. I had a sugar rush just reading this. You certainly used all the senses in describing and eating these chocolates. You wrote this well. *Thumbsup*

Ok, I'm out of here... have to go get some CHOCOLATE!
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
You painted a great picture of a 'dippy' lawyer with a germ phobia. You'd think the guy would have found out who managed the Ironwood Golf and Batting Cages before confronting them. *Laugh* Would have loved to see his face when he met that manager!

Some things to consider when editing:

Still standing and holding onto the subway’s metal pole with a handkerchief(,) Marvin clumsily turned around and looked at the woman.

I just don’t want to get sick(,") .” He (he) said as he straightened his tie.

Getting out his map of Boston, Marvin walked clumsily through the dark night (delete 'night') streets of Massachusetts, despite the fact that he’d lived there for six years, sometimes turning the map upside down so as he could better envision where he was on the map.

Suddenly an elder (elderly) woman came into the room laughing on her cell phone, hung up, and closed the door as she said, “Okay! Who’s suing me this week?”

An elder (elderly) man with glasses greeted Mr. Rosche and said they were expecting the manager any second now.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Extremely well written! *Thumbsup* This had a professional touch to it. *Smile* Great dialogue...

A few things to consider when editing:

It took a moment, but he eventually thought to look up and into the face of Sirius Black, (which had a) large smile and shiny chin from holding his juicy apple in his teeth as he waved in an attempt to grab Remus' attention.

Now, Sirius stood at the top of the stairs leading up into the boys (boys') dormitory and leaned over the railing, rather farther than was probably wise considering he was not holding on to anything for support.

"See that?" He (he) said loudly so as to be easily heard by the group of second-year girls in a huddle near the fire with their books open on their laps.

"Wanker!" He (he) called out after James.

Can't let chances like these slip away (,) now can we?"

We'll have to break you of that nasty habit (.") ,"

He gave both Peter and Remus a push ahead of him on the stairs and yelled out, "Coming (,) dearest!


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a very interesting story. It shows the struggle of a girl, who had to take on too much responsibility at a young age, to seek her independence from her mother and live her own life. Yet, try as she might, her past remains with her, surfacing when she least expects it.

The story flowed along nicely, and had some great descriptions in it.

Some things to consider when editing:


There was a small rectangular pane of glass - a sorry excuse for a window - above him, that’s (that was) barely open to let in some fresh air.

“It’s them damn Property (property) taxes

We would laugh and cry together in that tiny bedroom - a room, with its overhwhelming (overwhelming) smell of mothballs, barely big enough to keep nothing more than two narrow beds and a small dresser - and dream of the days we would finally break free.

She had washed her hands off (of) me and I was free to do as I pleased.


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Review of NightEyes  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good beginning. You have captured my interest.

Some things to consider when editing:

I stopped, lay the saw down and was rubbing the muscle of my arm when Babe(,) my border collie(,) started barking frantically.

He was standing broadside so I could view the lenght (length) of his (majesty.) magesty.

I could feel his gaze and curiousity (curiosity) as he tryed (tried) to figure out what I was and if I was (a) foe.

He sat on his haunches as he continued to watch my (me) with interest.

I could feel his pain as he tryed (tried) to walk...limping as he entered the treeline and down the incline.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You told this story well. It said a lot, about addicts and addiction. Meeting Donnie that day was a wake-up call from God. She's was about to head down the wrong road again, seeing Donnie gave her a reality-check. Nice Job! *Thumbsup*

Some things to consider when editing:


Those were the very character traits that would bring me to the land slide (landslide) of "stinking thinking(,") ", as we call it in NA, every day.

He was at home with (his) wife, Sharon(,) and their two small girls.

I offered to take him home with me and to a 12 step(12-step) meeting.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well done! *Thumbsup* This is a very emotional story, and so sad. It's never easy to lose a loved one. You keep expecting to see their face around every corner. Then you remember, they are no longer there. WRITE ON!

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Review of Just Another Case  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a sad story. Shekhar's life on the streets broke my heart. No child should have to live and die that way. I didn't think much of Ramsingh, taking advantage of his nephew like that. It never should have happened. His wife was no better, throwing a child back into the streets to starve. How much extra expense could one little boy have been to her?

This was well written. WRITE ON!

Some things to consider when editing:

He had large black eyes, a tiny nose and dark brown skin; he looked weak and malnourished (, which he was.) which,he was.

He sniffed and wiped his tears (,) eyes still closed.

“But it hurts (,) chacha.”

When Ramsingh had tried to maintain a strong stand, she threatened that she would kill their children and herself too if, (no comma here) he doesn’t throw the boy out.

The cluttering (chattering) of his teeth could be heard at a little distance from him.

As he lied (laid)down, he saw a puppy approach him from a distance.

Shekhar had died from the cold during the night.) out of cold deep in the night.

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Review of Lone Wolf  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way you went into a detailed description of the transformation to wolf. *Thumbsup* The ending left me wondering who the female with the arsenal of weapons was, and if she would succeed in destroying the wolves. I thought this was well-written and left the reader wanting more.

Consider the following when editing:

Kaeara continued looking at him, witing (waiting) for his answer.

After a long and thoughtful silence, he replied in a low voice.(,) "Fine, but I'm going with you."

" A pair are (delete 'are') will spot danger faster, and will recall more words later.

Thinking of no way to make him go she let him come, or rather she had no choice but to let him come. (Need a space here) Turning around, she led he (the) way through the dark twisting streets of Lupine.

Kaeara glared at Trey with her icy green eyes, angrily considerihis (considering his) words.

Some dog had caught their fresh scent from their shift, and began furiously tugging at it's (its) leash to get to the alley.

They waited until the dog was gone and they(need a space here) were sure that weren't being watched.

Thier (Their) claws gripped even the slightest depressions on the dark red brick.

Whats {What's} not to panic about?

They sent back a reply saying that they will be here tonight, at 11:30(.) "

The last faint murmers (murmurs) never reached the two ears out the window.

They had already begun their climb up (delete 'up,' if they're climbing toward the sky, they're going up) toward the sky (,) weighted with sadness and fear.

His pelvic bone gave a gut wrenching (gut-wrenching) twist, reshaping to that of a quadruped.

He was forced to the ground when this, coupled with the stretching of his foot bones, (occurred) occured.

His pelvis moved up his spine, exposing a few vertabra. (vertebrae)

The once-human male looked back, and saw the she wolf (she-wolf) finishing her business.

Her long black cloak billowed behind her, displaying an array of silver heapons (weapons) and multiple firearms across her belly and down her sides to her knees.

It was still loose enought (enough) to move, though, and gave the illusion that she was a mere shadow moving through the night.
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Review of Santa's Monkey  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Geesh, what an ending! *Laugh* Just goes to show ya, Santa should cover all keyholes and lock the bedroom door after delivering his gifts. LOL Out of the mouths of babes, eh? *Delight*

Consider the following when editing:

Joshua gasped, jumped up and ran to the bathroom, where he relived himself and then cautiously head (headed) back to his cosy, warm bed.

In the morning, after all the presents had been opened, the Christmas turkey devoured, and all the festive games argued and contested, Joshua sat crossed legged (cross-legged) in front of the T.V with his father, playing Rally 2005 on the games consol he had asked for.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Such a sad... yet heartwarming story, filled with wonderful memories of Jessica. Those memories will live on in the hearts of her parents forever. The father was wise to leave the locket where it was.

Very well written...

“Okay, okay,” she said, noticing the horror struck (horror-struck) look on my face.

One morning we came down to find the fridge had packed (backed?) up.
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Review of Not Alone  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was delightful! I like the way you built it up to the conclusion. *Thumbsup* That first day of school can be a terrifying experience for a child. Well done!

“Hey. What’s with the waterworks?” he (He) held her face in his hands and wiped away a tear(.) , “Come on, sweetie,” he cajoled.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was a nice description of someone getting a massage. Although, I must say it didn't seem like a 'fun' experience. *Laugh* The title fooled me. I really expected to read about an escaped felon. *Frown* Write On!

2 (Two) uniformed women stood ready to relax us. (Numbers should be written out)

Salt + (and) freshly epilated legs = (equals) ouch!

Could be problematic though, as I’ve become as slippery as a bar of soap on the plastic lined (plastic-lined) table.

Then it’s back on the table for an hours (hour's) massage, what (and){//b} with all the previous hours (hour's) stress, I fell fast asleep.

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Review of Late Night Snack  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was creepy! *Shock* Imagine if that could really happen? LOL...better not throw objects at your TV, never know who might get mad! *Laugh*

Great storyline! This moved along nicely and hooked me right in. *Thumbsup*

The father, an oversized dark haired (dark-haired) man with deep probing eyes (,) raised his hand and motioned.

He sat (set) it down on the table with a loud clatter before shuffling off into the shadows.

The twisted grin on his face curled upward, revealing rust colored (rust-colored) teeth.

David dug his toes into the (floor.) ground.
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