How beautiful. I love the sound of the guitar, and how music is all the emotions we can not speak. My favorite part was "So many sounds, One voice". And your descriptions of every emotion you can hear in his music. "I can hear his dream." Thank you for good read. I don't see alot about music on here, when it is inspiration behind so many things, and a combination of so many fine arts.
Write on!
Nice poem. It was very sad, and emotion poured from the page. So well put together and thought out. This would be my first time reading a Kyrielle also. Thats what I like about reading your work. You are always working new forms, and come up with good ideas for poems. You are a very good writer, in my opinion. Keep those thoughts scrawling across paper, or keyboard...lol.
Write on!
Very nice poem. I think my first look at a triquint. lol. More and more people by the day are getting into the Autumn spirit. I'm such a geek for nature and its seasons...accompanied by its holidays of course...lol. I especially like how you listed the word definitions at the bottom. Nobody really ever does this, and I think it can even alter a poem bcuz people don't grasp the meaning then throw it aside. It helped me capture your poem alot more. Pall was a good word to use for an Autumn poem.
Write on!
Wow! First of all, let me start with welcoming you to the site! It's always nice to have new people! If your a riter there is no better place to be! I really liked your story. It was so unique how you picked up Harry Potter (which I love, regardless of age), and played on a different untouched part. I would actually read more if your wrote more. I didn't want the series to end, Rowling is probably one of the greatest writers of all time, with some exceptions of course. Way to use your creative mind!!! I hope you stick aroud the site and visit often! And add to your story of course! If you add more to it, get real creative and write well! It takes alot to step in another great persons footsteps. Oh...and let me know...I will definately read more. The more you write on this site, the more benfits you get. I rate a 4.5 for a fresh idea!
Write on!!
Suggestion: The paragraph below would look better italicized, since it's a letter. You can do this by putting at the beginning and after. Don't forget the slash in the one at the end, and make sure they are those wierd brackets. If you go to frequently asked questions and scroll to Writing Ml, a little pop up window will show up when you click it. It lists all the different tags like these, and there are places to practice.
Hermione,
Oh my gosh. I cannot believe my parents! Their newest stunt? I am going to marry Draco Malfoy at the end of the school year! Ugh! Why are they doing this to me? Do they think I'll like it?
I'm not sure if "relations to animals and nature at it's best is what attracted me, or if it was the similiarity to some of my own pieces, "A Day in the Woods" and "A Day at the Beach"......lol. I knew it just had to be good. You speak so "elegantly" through out the entire piece, it really helped capture how you were feeling through all of this, or how all of that would make you feel, depends on which perspective it was written from...lol. I don't even think I could begin to pick out my favorite part....
One of them: "I can actually fall asleep, listening to virtually no human made noise at all."
Another: "intricate and delicate, like a master’s painting."
Probably my fav.: "Never before in my lifetime have I had the experience of actually becoming so close to becoming one with such a secretive creature."
But there are so many greatly spoken words within the piece, like I said, hard to pick a fav.
Suggestion:
The sun is still very warming to my skin and sprawling out between two porch chairs;
I can feel it burning my flesh.
(This threw me off at first, making the sentence awkward. It seems like it could be either you, or the sun, sprawling out between two porch chairs. If the sun, then maybe "and is" sprawling out.....Or perhaps adding the second sentence to make a whole would sound good...such as: "....(comma)and sprawling out between two porch chairs, I can feel it burning my flesh".....or something along the lines anyways. Just a suggestion, it's not that bad. It just seemed awkward, but perhaps I am just reading it wrong. I love your piece! =)
For being an old poem it is pretty good. I have a bunch of poems in my port that is also from long ago, highschool days...lol. One I still even have from early middleschool. I can tell this is younger though, just by comparing it to my poetry I think. My younger poems also have a light bouncy kind of rhyme scheme and rhythm...or something like that. Not sure how to explain really, it just reminds me of my older poetry...lol. My favorite part is "until the darkness turned to grey, And ushered in a brand new day". I love your use of words like this. "Ushered"..."Followed in her stead". The only thing that threw me off was the sentence starting with "she". At first it alters until I read the line underneath. Then it seems ok, but it still seems like it would sound good also as "she was" and "he was". However I like it how it is too. I guess it's just one of those things....lol. I like it how it is...lol. It just seemed awkward at first. But very good poem for 13. =) If you ever stop by my port, some of my poems from highschool will say that they are from highschool, but they are "Forgotten Grave, A Flame of Remembering, A Day in the Woods, If you wish upon a Star (actually 11), A Day at the Beach, Life Beginning, and Winter's Asylum", but I don't really count that one because it was on my way out..lol.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors. I liked your choice of rhyme scheme, aaa bbccdd. Sooner or later I plan to publish a book, an outdoor poetry book (though I have an actual name). I like to keep people's works in mind, in case any would like to be featured, in this dream of mine....lol. Thanx for the read! Write on!!!
Hi...I liked your piece. At first read, before entering, I thought maybe it was about actual whistleblowing (telling on your company), since the description mentioned revenge....lol. I like your rhyme scheme, with internal rhymes in the starting sentences, then every other sentence with the second...kinda like....aa/b/cc/b. It really becomes interesting once it switches to three sentences after the internal rhymes. Not all your rhymes are consitent, I mean this in sound, not the way it is written. I hate when people tell me my rhyme is off just because the word is spelt differently. How can you say a rhyme is on because it is spelt the same but doesn't rhyme in sound? I mean really......it alters the poem in my opinion and throws off the rhythm. But anyways...lol.....I think you still did pretty good job getting the sound close while saying what you want. Like nights and like. It still has nice rhythm. My favorite sentence was: "complete would be my joy". Alot of people would say this doesn't make sense, but since I used to write alot of my poetry in backwards meaning (much like yoda...lol), I like this. Instead of saying my joy would be complete, you say complete would be my joy. The last part was funny, but I didn't really think it had anything to do with the rest of the piece. Thank you for the read.
Write On!
Well, of course after I read "canoeist" in the description, I had to read the adventure...lol. I wasn't expecting it to take the turn it did. "Marooned..." ..lol. You used the prompt very well I might say, and uniquely. I like how you used the Bermuda Triangle as the canoeists trip, so when he "marooned" (Ha Ha!), and weird things start happening, it gets the mind going. Oh!, I also liked the Jamacain dude....lol.
Good Job Mon!
Very nice poem. Interesting name too, but the description is what really caught my eye. "You never know what you may find in an old bookstore..." Gives me goosebumps and an urge to head to the nearest bookstore available....lol. Did you follow any specific form in this piece? If not, I like the rhyme scheme you came up with or incorporated. a/b/c/b at the beginning of every stanza, then last words of every two rhyming. I think you wavered a little bit from the rhyme in both the second and fifth stanzas, but sometimes I understand this necessary to use what you would like in the poem, or portray what you had intended, since I do this myself. The fifth doesn't really waver too much, but the second doesn't really rhyme at all, other than ending in "l and y". You definately dove into your imagination and creativeness for this poem though, and I think you used the prompt very well. You picked a very good idea with using a book. You especially wrapped it up nicely at the end, probably think it's my favorite stanza. You had nice rhythm and over-all flow. ....oh...also...there is two spaces between "and" & "chaos" in the fifth stanza, not that it really matters, just a typographical error. lol. I make them constantly. Well, even though you are the featured author, and I have already reviewed three of your items, I am most likely coming back for more...hehe. I really enjoy your work. Are you published?
So did it win the contest? It should have...lol. I absolutely love fishin. And the most depressing thing about this year so far is that I have only been out once since opening season. I haven't fished all summer... <<<super sad face. I love the whole feeling coming across in this piece. Though everything in your life is going terribly, theres nothing that could bring more peace to the kaos than relaxing beside the prestine lake or river with your loyal companion and a fishing pole. My favorite part is the refrain. It's something I should, or everybody should, have hanging on their fridge. Nothing could bring to picture better how fishin brings peace to the mind. I think the third sentence in it though throws off the rhythm a little bit. It's not that the sentence by itself does, which is written nicely, but the sentence in rhythm with the rest. I think it would sound better within the refrain rhythm wise if the "your" before pole wasn't there. But that is just an opinion. I think the whole piece is just wonderful. Another favorite part of mine is when "you blew your whole roll on a three dollar and ninety-five cent fishin' pole"....lol. Very nicely thought up, or true..lol. Either way, that part helped bring together the whole thing. Oh! and last but not least, "you’re extremely rich when you’re living your dream", I love how you snuck that in there. Being rich or wealthy isn't about money, it's about doing what makes you happy. In fact, I am extremely rich now that I have read this wonderful poem about hittin' the fishin' hole, or song..same thing really.
Please, do write on!...you have a wonderful gift.
I like your flow and imagery. I write alot of nature poetry, and in my opinion there is few that clearly help catch the image of the scenery.
So this isn't the whole poem? That is too bad, I liked the way it was going. If I have spare time, I will check out the site you have suggested.
Keep writing!
I'm sorry, I haven't rea the whole piece yet. I don't have the internet for long. I wanted to tell you how reading the beginning is like reading something I wrote about myself. I absolutely love fall! October is beautiful month. You had very beautiful description on the emotion of the season. I will be back to read the rest. I left off on "my husband has cancer", a good part, so I didn't read any further.
I believe people portray a little bit of themselves in their writing. If this is true with you then you really like fall? Well, if you do, you might like my nature poetry. Check out "Winter's Asylum and more poetry" in my port. There is another called "Winter's Asylum", but I recommend the first. It has four seasonal poems in it. One, and unnamed one of fall, you might really like. You do not have to review or rate anything. I'm just telling you in case you are interesting in reading such things.
I'll be back for the story!
Keep writing!
Very nicely written. All I really say is that I really enjoyed reading this. My mom, sister, and me have suffered from an obusive father, not for most of my life, thankfully, and it was never to bad, more emotionally then anything, physically to my mother.
There were no spelling errors that I seen, of course, I could have been to busy enjoying the story.
Keep writing!!
Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all!!
Nice poem! It has nice rhyme scheme and I liked the way it wrapped up at the end. The rhythm is a little off in the sentences ending in "scene" and "stroke", but I know you need it to portray what you are trying to say in the poem. You could capitalize the "I" on "in", to go with the rest of the sentences, but I understand it is a continuation from the sentence above. If it was capitalized, it could possibly go for the sentence above it and go with the one below. It just threw it off a little the first time I read it is all.
Keep writing!!
Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all!!
Good open verse. I enjoyed it. I just love the rain. While I sit and watch it, I can't understand why people around me are complaining. I write alot of Nature poetry. Stop by my site sometime. I have added you to my fav's list. Thank you for reminded me what my day was missing.
Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thundertorms that drive them all!!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I liked your story. It is very sad and good for awareness. I liked the topic.
Keep Writing!
Suggestions:
Grammar and Spelling
There was even a bunny slope with a children's instructor. The snow was the real thing and then artificial mixed to make the right combination for great sking..
(I think you meant something like "The snow was the real thing "mixed with artificial" to make the right combination...)
As you traveled closer to the bottom of the mountain chain the leaves were changing. There was bronze and russet orange, and then red and golden delicious apples is how Mike described them.
(The last sentence should be revised, or written in a more dialog/thought format, or have single quoatations from the beginning of the sentence to right before "and", then again on "red and golden delicious apples". "Then" should also probably be taken out.)
He had emotionally become like a baby again and the therapist said that was normal. He was being home-schooled and going to rehab five days a week. He had crushing injuries to his legs where most of the bones were broken and the were pins, plates and grafts.
(You accidently forgot the "re" on "there" after "and" in the last sentence.)
Over-all Appearance, Flow, Organization
~The flow was alright, but you were missing extra spaces between events. It made it kinda sound like you are jumping to different subjects too quickly. Such as between "a curtain closing on Kenny" and "Danny and Sarah Slater". Also between "...a force like a frieght train hit their car" and "The cars were so mangled". The view of the story changes. There should be more spaces.
~Also, "like a hippo was sitting on it" from the beginning when he was talking about his chest, should probably be rephrased. Hippo doesn't seem to go along well with the scene you are trying to portray.
~You had good imagery.
Plot, Theme, or Topic
~I definately liked your topic. Keep Writing!
Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all!!!
Very beautiful open verse. Are you the painter? I like how it describes all the different emotions put into painting while kinda going through seasons, or colors of the earth so to speak. It really made me feel like I was the painter. =]
Keep Writing!!
Suggestions: There could have been a little bit better over-all flow. But it was still enjoyable.
Very nice open verse. Good flow. There is alot of emotion in it, which I think is very important for poetry. It also fits well to the vampire theme. =] I think the format and color of writing really helps with the emotion alot too. How do get it like that? lol
Keep writing!
aaawwwwww......that is so sad.... =[
Very nice story! My favorite part was the vaccume lol. Was it actually your dog? It had me very emotional by the end. I really enjoyed reading it. I will have to check out some more of your work. =]s
Keep writing!
Good short story. =] I understand about the italics, mine did the same on someones thoughts in first chapter. Keep writing!!
Suggestions:
At that moment, Patrick realize that the image was a dim refection of himself (3rd paragraph)
("realize" should be "realized" and you forgot the L in reflection)
(7th paragraph)
She opened a large, deep draw on the right side of the desk and pulled out a stack of manila drawing paper that had been cut into strips
She quickly grabbed a small pin from the center draw and stood to make her way over to the boy. “You're to wear this the rest of the day” she said, as she pined the the sign to Patrick's navy blue tie. “
("Draw" should be "drawer" in both sentences. Also you are missing an N in "pined".
Very nice. Good idea on the three points of view too. I really felt like I was there feeling the pain, however I would have liked more on the 3rd POV. What was going through his head, what kind of emotions drove him to do this, why the gym? I really liked your piece though. Keep the thoughts coming!
Much appreciation,
Me
Feel the stregth of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, and Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all! ~Nichole Sauve~
Well hello. =] It's finally nice to meet another tree-hugger. lol. Your piece was very beautiful and moving, and also very unique. I couldn't have put a love for trees any better way. "My most secret “hidey-hole” was at the end of Lake Street opposite the Catholic cemetery. There encircled by a few pine trees, I would share my innermost secrets with them"....this really triggers some memories from when I was a kid.
I write nature poetry. I've just joined, so I haven't posted much. My piece "Winter's Asylum and more poetry" might spark your interest. =]
Write on my green friend!!
Much appreciation,
Me
Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all! ~Nichole Sauve~
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 2:26pm on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Way to use your creative mind!!! I hope you stick aroud the site and visit often! And add to your story of course! If you add more to it, get real creative and write well! It takes alot to step in another great persons footsteps. Oh...and let me know...I will definately read more. The more you write on this site, the more benfits you get. I rate a 4.5 for a fresh idea!
<<<super sad face. I love the whole feeling coming across in this piece. Though everything in your life is going terribly, theres nothing that could bring more peace to the kaos than relaxing beside the prestine lake or river with your loyal companion and a fishing pole. My favorite part is the refrain. It's something I should, or everybody should, have hanging on their fridge. Nothing could bring to picture better how fishin brings peace to the mind.