*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shadowsnflames/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
968 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 12 13 14 15 ... Next
226
226
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I clicked on this cause the description made me chuckle, but by the end, I was incensed and broken hearted for the poor lady. Evil buggers.

Why I could relate to your work: My daughter just did a thing with her girl scout unit where we went and met several sweet elderly ladies in a group home. The thought of them being worked over just made me mad.

My suggestions: I don't have any. You got the point across very well, captured the anger and injustice. I enjoyed the flow, just didn't enjoy the message (not by any fault of your own, mad at the cruelty of those who would prey on the weak).

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that pulled me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): "All the lies you told
While you hunted for gold,
Will come back to bite your ass.
I hope I am there to see you pass," I liked this cause there was definitely raw anger coming out here. Nicely done.

In conclusion: This was a well written testament to the damage done by some soulless thugs. It was terrible to read only in the sense that it's horrifying when you read about some creep doing this. Otherwise, it was a well done tale in poem form that pulled at my heartstrings. As they say, write on, and happy anniversary.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Holidays! It's that time of the year for me to leave you a little something something just because. May you enjoy the gift of a review from me to you :D.

What I love about your work: You made me tear up a little! No really, could be I'm tired, but this really touched me and considering how much of my holidays revolve around my children... sniffle. This was beautifully done and well worded. The rhyming did not feel forced and conveyed your feelings perfectly.

Why I could relate to your work: As a parent of three small children, I still have the Christmas magic in my house, but you've certainly made me look to the future and realize some of why my mother is so clingy on Christmas. Really touched me.

My suggestions: I do not have any. It really came out quite well. I was very impressed with the flow and how much emotion you caught in this without actually describing your emotions. Darn impressive.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that threw me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): "The kids are grown; they've moved on
to families of their own.
They've taken all the magic
along with the cheap cologne" Again, darn impressive. Seriously, you made this touching poem that made my heart ache, without ever whining or groaning or complaining how dark and dreary the world was. This felt beautifully executed.

In conclusion: I really enjoyed this. I've already raved about it in my review, but truly, this was a gorgeously written piece that really conveyed your feelings very well. You are quite a skilled writer, well done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of Life is a cookie  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Action/Adventure Newsletter (December 24, 2014)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I love the sense of adventure and magic in this. And how it's punishment for cookie theft (darn cookie dough thieves). This was fun and cracked me up.

Why I could relate to your work: Every year, I make my brother a batch of cookie dough because otherwise, he attacks the dough while I'm making cookies. If I sate the beast first, I'm left to cookie making in peace :P. So, I understand the cookie dough thieves.

My suggestions: Something I've noticed is the overuse of "that". I would recommend rewording it so that (yes I know, I just used it) you don't have your story thick with "that".

Any noticeable typos: I did notice a few, but I think if you read this out loud or run it through a program that spells and grammar checks, you should catch most of them.

My favorite line(s): "My skin felt like crayon left a little bit too long in the sun." This was such a simple analogy, but oh, it captured the feeling of crackling, dried out, overcooked to perfection. Well done.

In conclusion: As someone plagued by cookie dough thieves (I didn't even mention how I have to fight off the children and my husband), I appreciated this story immensely. It made me laugh and took the reader on a magical adventure. Cutely done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
Review of Attention Adults  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Aw, so you requested a review from me and here I am. Hope it is up to your expectations.

What I love about your work: You do address a problem that applies not only to your generation but generations before you and generations to come. There will always be that age gap, the disappointment from adults and the stress on the younger ones. I do like how you drew the attention though and it felt honest.

Why I could relate to your work: We have all been teenagers, feeling the burden of our elders looking down on us. The only thing you can do to shake it is prove them wrong by rising above their expectations. My husband and I married at nineteen and because of our age, were told (even by the judge who wed us) that we would be lucky to make it five years without divorcing. Ha, we've proven them wrong by being married for over a decade now. That's all you can do is prove them wrong.

My suggestions: Um, first off, don't apologize for writing your feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them. If someone reads your work and is offended, more often than not, it's because it applies to them. You should not apologize for calling them out.

Noticeable typos: I did notice some grammatical and punctuation errors, but nothing that really disrupted the flow of your words.

My favorite line(s): "You aren't perfect either,

so please take off that crown! " Amen, often folks forget when judging others that their house is far from clean.

In conclusion: I think with a little bit of polishing, this would be a very strong piece. And remember, don't apologize for your feelings. My husband has a great saying, "It's only offensive if it's true". Anyway, this was a pleasant read. Nicely done. Welcome to the WDC.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I am reviewing your work for the Electric package on "Invalid Item"  And I'm sending you a second review, cause I listed the wrong package the first time and my CDO requires I use the correct one ;).

What I love about your work: I found this to be sweet, touching and a testament to how someone can touch someone else's life. It was beautiful, in a saddening, painful way, but nicely portrayed.

Why I could relate to your work: Stories like this honestly scare me. I've had arthritis in my hip since I was sixteen, it's hereditary, and the idea of being crippled is something that tickles at the back of my mind every time my hip locks up and throws me. It's scary. So, reading about a woman who was so ravaged by her disease that she couldn't attend her dream moment other than in her mind... yikes.

My suggestions: Honestly, the beginning was a tad bit stiff. I mildly tripped up over the wording of a few of the sentences in the opening.

I also think you might want to slip in her age a bit sooner. Only because I had pictured someone old in my mind, and fifty seven just isn't old. Lol, that sounds odd but when I read fifty seven I had to re-evaluate my mental character.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed some mild punctuation errors, but overall, nothing that took my attention from your story.

My favorite line(s): "Wearing her beautiful performance dress, Ethelene lay back on her pillow, her lovely smile across her face, her hands folded, and listened to Brett's music and the applause of the audience. " Dammit, I knew what was coming but I enjoyed it anyway. I could picture her in my mind, sweet and at peace, knowing the happiness of success, even if only at a distance. Beautifully done.

In conclusion: As usual, I enjoyed your work and like how you touch on very real situations, bring to life characters we can connect with. This was a bittersweet tale that really tugged at my heartstrings. Nicely done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I am reviewing your work for the Lightning package on "Invalid Item" 

What I love about your work: I found this to be sweet, touching and a testament to how someone can touch someone else's life. It was beautiful, in a saddening, painful way, but nicely portrayed.

Why I could relate to your work: Stories like this honestly scare me. I've had arthritis in my hip since I was sixteen, it's hereditary, and the idea of being crippled is something that tickles at the back of my mind every time my hip locks up and throws me. It's scary. So, reading about a woman who was so ravaged by her disease that she couldn't attend her dream moment other than in her mind... yikes.

My suggestions: Honestly, the beginning was a tad bit stiff. I mildly tripped up over the wording of a few of the sentences in the opening.

I also think you might want to slip in her age a bit sooner. Only because I had pictured someone old in my mind, and fifty seven just isn't old. Lol, that sounds odd but when I read fifty seven I had to re-evaluate my mental character.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed some mild punctuation errors, but overall, nothing that took my attention from your story.

My favorite line(s): "Wearing her beautiful performance dress, Ethelene lay back on her pillow, her lovely smile across her face, her hands folded, and listened to Brett's music and the applause of the audience. " Dammit, I knew what was coming but I enjoyed it anyway. I could picture her in my mind, sweet and at peace, knowing the happiness of success, even if only at a distance. Beautifully done.

In conclusion: As usual, I enjoyed your work and like how you touch on very real situations, bring to life characters we can connect with. This was a bittersweet tale that really tugged at my heartstrings. Nicely done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
How can you not approve of a group created to treat horror writers to rewards for writing skin crawling, blood curling pieces in less than twenty four hours? This group helps us be aware of the amount of funds available for our trophies, quite a worthwhile cause for horror stories are something I love seeing encouraged. If you are a horror writer or a horror story, you should check out the contest this group is designed for. It'll either get your creativity flowing or will make you want to turn on the lights and grab something to protect you from the things that go bump in the night. Swing by, check it out, certainly worth your time if you do.

FORUM
SCREAMS!!!  (GC)
A Terrifying Contest Of Horror And Three Time Quill Award Winner!
#2020439 by Lilli 🧿 ☕
233
233
Review of Who I Am  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I felt this was very simple but got the point across. I found myself doing a sing song rhythm and didn't stumble over the wording. And I had to take a peek cause I thought your username was a cute play on words :P.

Why I could relate to your work: I've always found it interesting how life is two sides of one coin; dark and depressing, but beautiful and vibrant. So, I thought this was a nice take on it.

My suggestions: Perhaps expand on this, explore with more colorful words the different aspects of life.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really see anything that took me away from your words.

My favorite line(s): "Yet take it away

on the seventh." I can't tell you why but that line resounded with me. I find myself repeating it, as if it would make a good story prompt, something inviting you to explore further into the concept.

In conclusion: I found this to be an enjoyable read, nicely done. Welcome to the WDC and as they say, write on.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
Review of Life  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, hello there: Found this on the random reviews, and how pretty though grim.

What I love about your work: I love the wording of this. It flows well and it leaves so much open to interpretation, making me think instead of just connecting the dots for me. I thought it was very pretty though sad.

My suggestions: I do not have any. Like I said, the wording is done well, it flows nicely. It doesn't trip the reader up and doesn't have forced rhyming.

Any noticeable typos: I did not notice any.

My favorite line(s): "There is no such thing as
coincidence,
and my languid response
offset her stride." Thought this came out beautifully well and in my head, I saw some girl crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at her former boyfriend. At least, that's how I interpreted it :P.

In conclusion: I thought this was a thought provoking piece, well worded and intriguing. Nicely done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
235
235
Review of The Crimson Death  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: What a hellish plane trip, on so many levels. I mean, really, death by lava? In an airplane? Yikes. Brutal, crazy and totally unorthodox, I enjoyed this quite a bit.

Why I could relate to your work: I hate flying on planes, not because of the turbulence, but because my father is an airplane mechanic. He used to torture us when we flew. "That's not supposed to sound like that", "Uh oh, the plane's supposed to be doing this or we're going to crash", and on and on. Made flying horrifying, especially when he would jump and gasp, get that frightened look his eyes. Anyways, I read this with the expectation it would be a terrible flight and I was certainly not disappointed.

My suggestions: My first one is that you should try to write out numbers smaller than a hundred. Otherwise, the numbers distract the reader from your work.

Also, when you do have numbers in your story and it's such a big part of introducing the character, you should make sure they add up. You state that he and his wife were married for fifteen years, but go on to say they got divorced when their daughter was ten, after she was born only two years into their marriage. It may seem like a little thing, but it is the little things that make up the big picture so if something minor is off like that, it can throw off the whole picture.

"One man had been hit with his own lap top, and blood was flowing from the wound. He was unconscious." This line would be better combined. "One man had been knocked unconscious with his own lap top, and blood was flowing from the wound."


"Then, without warning, the volcano erupted, spewing molten lava up into the air, hitting the plane with great force.

The plane shot up, then back down. People screamed. Some began to unbuckle themselves and tried rushing to the back of the plane, hoping they could run from it. Then the heat began to rise. 75, 85, 100, then it felt like it was 1000 degrees inside the metal container.

Franklin never moved. He knew that he could not run or hide from something like this. As he sat there, the aisle began to turn a dark red color. The lava was eating its way through the bottom of the plane. This was making the plane lose altitude greatly. Then, out of nowhere, Franklin heard a scream from the front of the plane. Then the plane dropped significantly, and kept dropping." Out of eleven lines here, you started four of them with "Then". "Then" is not a good line opener. To be honest, you could leave it completely off and not even have to reword the lines, just capitalize the next word.

And my last tip is to try to remove the passive voice from your work. Your story held me captivated, but it would pop so much more if you could remove most of the passive voice. It's something I need to focus on in my work too, but if you're successful, it will really add to your tale.

Any noticeable typos: To be honest, I didn't really notice typos, but the numbers distracted me quite a bit.

My favorite line(s): "Right below them, DIRECTLY below them, was a large, active, volcano." Sure, there were signs they were in trouble, but that's one of those "you're screwed" moments. Uh oh.

In conclusion: I found this to be an interesting tale with certainly an unexpected method to cause the demise of the plane. I liked it and think with some tweaking, it could really shine. A fun read, and as they say, write on.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
236
236
Review of Summer Falls  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Holidays! It's that time of the year for me to leave you a little something something just because. May you enjoy the gift of a review from me to you :D.

What I love about your work: I thought, for the most part, the dialogue flowed very naturally between the two characters. I also thought you did a great job, without introducing her family, of letting us see how cruel their reaction to their daughter was.

Why I could relate to your work: Thankfully, my sexuality never gave reason to be kicked out. However, I have friends who have been tossed out of their houses for not being "straight" and I have family who lives lies in order to meet with their family's religious expectations. Personally, I can't understand it. My babies are my babies, regardless of who they love. Now, if they bring home a goat or something else that bigoted fanatics are sure not being straight will lead to, we'll have to talk :P.

My suggestions: Well, this was a great short tale of a new beginning, but... I felt like there was an overabundance of "my girl" and "my best girl". There were three mentions in the last half of the story and considering the length, it just felt very redundant. Maybe reword it or use a different romantic term?

"Taking her hand, I led her to the passenger side of the Buick and handed her in. " This line tripped me up a bit. "handed her in" gave me pause. I think either leaving it off or rewording it would help that sentence quite a bit.

Any noticeable typos: "And they love you, too, even though they have a s*** way of showing it.”" I think "s***" should be "s***ty". Just written as "s***" caused me to stumble and want to reread it with the "ty" added.

My favorite line(s): "It was Christian of them, I suppose." I try my hardest not to judge, but sometimes, I see situations where that term crosses my mind too. Of course, often the sarcasm is lost upon those it's intended for, but hey, I can appreciate it :P.

In conclusion: I thought you did a very nice job of capturing one of those hard to bear moments. It's scary to start out on an adventure when you're not even an adult. And it's really scary to move in with someone who you've not known for very long. I feel like you did great at penning the uncertainty, the hope, the pain. Quite an interesting read.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
237
237
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I like how you address the monster, the despair that the mirror brings her. Very dark and sad, makes me think of how much the mirror can be our enemy.

Why I could relate to your work: I have definitely had my moments where the mirror seemed to reflect only horror for myself and I have had friends with eating disorders, so I know how dark it can be. I liked how you tackled this self perception beast though, very interesting.

My suggestions: I honestly had a bit of problems with the dialogue. For instance, her husband felt very empty when he cried out for her. Just seems to me if he walked in to his wife cut up on the floor, he'd be a little more hysterical.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really see anything that distracted me from your story.

In conclusion: This was a horrifically sad tale about a woman who just can't face her own demons and win. Brutal but touching, nicely done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
238
238
Review of Slaughter House  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Horror/Scary Newsletter (December 3, 2014)"  and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: I love the mood to this and the dialogue. The painting felt eerie and as anyone knows, it never pays to be the skeptic in situations like that. You always end up believing, but in the worse way possible.

Why I could relate to your work: I love horror stories, especially a good haunt, so I enjoyed this thoroughly.

My suggestions: There were a couple of places where the wording threw me off. For instance, this line "No other evidence could prove that anyone else had been on the property, and he would serve life for the deaths of Janet Tarkington, Norman Hardin, and also Maxwell Lipton, whose body parts had also been located in the barn." The part about Maxwell felt tacked on, like you remembered you needed to mention him. Plus, to be fair, this line felt forced overall.

It seems difficult to believe that Jim would be found guilty enough to receive a life sentence based solely on his confession of trespassing when the locals already believed the place to haunted and bad. Remember, sometimes it's best to leave an ending ambiguous instead of trying to spell it all out and causing things to not make sense. You don't need to have everything wrapped up and all loose ends tied. In fact, with horror stories, it's often better to not do so.

Any noticeable typos: I found a couple of minor things, but your story held my attention so much so that I forgot to take note of what I found. Sorry, but definitely an attention grabbing tale.

My favorite line(s): ""Don't scream or he'll find you. That's real cute," said Janet." Warnings are always lost on skeptics.

In conclusion: This was a spooky tale that proved yet again that not believing in something can very much hurt you. I think the level of gore was just right, creepy but not overdone. Nicely written.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
239
239
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Well, I love the song that inspired this and think this came out just beautiful. You wrote about the descent of someone pure into a dark and broken world, but did so in this elegant, well worded way. It was truly a gorgeous piece.

Why I could relate to your work: Who doesn't love David Bowie? And anyone who answers that negatively needs to be butt kicked. I used to put my oldest daughter to sleep with that album and China Girl is still one of my favorites of his. So, I loved that this was inspired by that song.

My suggestions: I do not have any as this flowed great, the words were well chosen, it captured an angel and a demon wrapped up in one being, just perfectly done.

My favorite line(s):"Shoestrings double looped
tied tight around her wrists-
spare spoon kept in her pocket,
box of matches in her fists." Such a nasty, horrible moment that you made still sound beautiful. Just very impressed with the flow of this.

In conclusion: This is an amazing piece that really was a pleasure to read. Well done. Oh, and welcome to WDC :D


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
240
240
Review of Elizabeth  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: How could I not enjoy a piece about Elizabeth Bathory, one of history's most notorious female serial killers? I've always read pieces about her after she's already delved into the bloodwork, so it was interesting to read one that explored more of her childhood and the idea of what made her.

Why I could relate to your work: In college, I did a paper on female serial killers and discovered the twisted world of Elizabeth Bathory. She is hands down one of the most fascinating villainesses in my book. The things she participated in were so cruel and depraved... craziness.

My suggestions: I found her childhood absolutely fascinating, but know what she got into later in life, I was a bit disappointed to not see you delve more into the brutality of her acts. The wording just doesn't truly capture how horrific her story is. Also, you mention at the very end how she believed bathing in blood would keep her young, but you don't mention that at all in the whole essay. Seems to me you might want to mention that somewhere so it ties into the conclusion.

Also, when doing formal writing, a story, essay, even letters, you want to try to spell out numbers smaller than a hundred. It helps keep the reader focused on your story instead of being distracted by out of place numbers.

Any noticeable typos: "Children often witnessed the only caregiver beaten or tortured for not pleasing the Bathroy parents." Bathory is misspelled.

"Could it have been the lack of here mother's love, could it have been the brutal times, could it have it have been that her birth was of two people from the same family?" "could it have it have been" seems like something is going wrong there.

" If she did, she would be lifted from the water by one arm and slapped across the necked flesh with the back of the brush used to wash away the dust of the day." I think necked is supposed to be just neck.

My favorite line(s): "She fell into dreams while hearing the servants being punished screaming out in the void darkness for help that would never arrive. " I think this would read a bit better if there were "of" added between void and darkness. I think this right here really captured the idea that her childhood doomed her to an adulthood of being a monster. I mean, really, how could she not?

In conclusion: I found this to be an interesting take on one of the more terrifying serial killers of history. I've never really thought about it from her childhood, so this certainly added a new side to the woman for me. I think this could use some work, but it has the potential to be a really interesting, informative piece. An intriguing read, and happy anniversary.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
241
241
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This captured a raw, brutal darkness that hurts so many and had some wisdom in that's difficult to deny. I loved the flow, that the rhyming does not feel forced and doesn't trip us up.

Why I could relate to your work: Having came dangerously close to a divorce myself in the past, I always tell everyone that the only innocent parties involved were the children. When it gets down to it, the parents will continue moving forward but their actions will forever taint that of their children. So, this poem kind of hit home for me.

My suggestions: I don't really have any, like I said, I enjoyed the flow and the wording. Well spoken.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me out away from your words.

My favorite line(s): "You’re only ever someone,
once been stained by blame." Ain't that the truth?! Pretty much regardless of what it is, the negative always seems to outshine the positive.

In conclusion: This was somehow tragic feeling, dark and painful, but beautiful all at once. I very much enjoyed it and like I said, felt like it hit home for me. Well done and welcome to the WDC.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
242
242
Review of Fade Away  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: There is definitely an eerie feel to this, a sense of helplessness that increases to a fervor pitch by the end of it.

Why I could relate to your work: He says it's not death, but sounds like he's died and not realized it to me. And I recognized it as such fairly quickly because I'm in the middle of writing a short ghost story myself, where the characters don't realize they're dead, so that's totally where my mind went. You played it out very nicely.

My suggestions: I would just recommend reading this out loud, seeing if there are any sentences where the wording trips you up. It helps smooth out the rough patches. Otherwise, I didn't see anything I would say needs fixing. Though my curiosity begs to know what happened to him :P.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed a few spots where the punctuation needed correcting, but it wasn't enough to pull me away from the story.

My favorite line(s): "After repeatedly cutting up my face, the attempt at shaving with a cheap razor left me looking even less presentable than when I started." Being cursed with extremely sensitive skin, I understand the razor not being his friend. Made me chuckle.

In conclusion: This was certainly a fun, creepy piece that left me wondering about the poor fellow when I was done. Nicely done and happy anniversary.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
243
243
Review of Addy shack  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: You've definitely got a rhythm going that lures us into a sing song pattern. Feel like I should have a fun base going in the background.

My suggestions:I think this would read better broken down a bit.

For instance:

"When I scored my batch,
twenty twenties in my pocket,
now I got zero twenties,
and no reason here to lock it.

"Tele-run to the kid
"motha f***a better stock it!"
Turn around, not the kid,
it's a killa and he cocked it!"

It's easier to read and just adds to the flow of your work.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed some punctuation errors, just spots where periods would make more sense than commas.

My favorite line(s): "Turn around, not the kid, it's a killa and he cocked it!" D'oh!

In conclusion: Admittedly, not my style of writing, but you've got a good rhythm going. It was an interesting read that took us through what seems like a very stressful night. Anywho, welcome to the WDC.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
244
244
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thought I'd give you a review as a congrats for earing yourself a spot on the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1635349 by Not Available.


What I love about your work: I got a kick out of the progression of this story, and how it came across as you can't really tell if what she's experiencing is real or just a figment of an overactive imagination. And the microwaving her cell phone made me laugh and think of that silly meme that claims you can charge your phone like that. Quite entertaining.

Why I could relate to your work: The Orson Wells story has always fascinated me. The panic it inspired and tales we tell still today just hold my attention. So, the idea that a century later, that night is still inviting mayhem held me from beginning to end.

My suggestions: I would recommend reading your stories out loud as it's one of the only ways I can catch some of my errors. It helps you catch spelling errors and awkward sentences.

Any noticeable typos: "Part of her mind listed to the documentary as he popped some corn in the microwave and fixed herself a large glass of diet soda." "he" should be "she"

"At tall lanky shadow pass through the living room wall and into the house from the outside." "At" should be "A" and "pass" should be "passed".

"They are especially fond of cell phone and become trapped in them." "cell phone" should be plural.

""Then the Martian's are dead, too!"" "Martian's" should have the apostrophe removed.

I also noticed some punctuation errors, but those were not too distracting.

My favorite line(s): ""Welcome to the one-hundredth anniversary of Orson Wells October 30, 1938 radio broadcast of War of the Words" Right away I knew I was going to be interested. I mean, how can we go wrong with a century celebration of Orson Wells?

In conclusion: This was an entertaining story that left me laughing and wondering, did she just kill some Martians or get herself locked up in the insane asylum? It was fun to read.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
245
245
Review of A Life Bared  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: The life of the bear was quite an adventure and I am confident most toys could not ask for a more worthy life. Quite a sweet tale.

Why I could relate to your work: Even when I was little, I always bought the toys who looked broken or unloved cause I was sure no one else would take them home and I didn't want them to be sad. So, I was reading this thinking I would buy you Teddy :P.

My suggestions: When writing short stories for online consumption, it is easiest on the reader's eyes if you put a line break between the paragraphs. Otherwise, it kind of all rolls together and becomes one big lump of black.

I noticed you changes tenses in a few places, where you went from using past to present and back again. When possible, you want to avoid doing that as tense changes is distracting from your story.

Any noticeable typos: Asides from the tense issue I listed above, I did see some minor punctuation errors. I'd recommend perhaps putting this through a program like ms word or something similar that has grammar check. It won't catch everything and sometimes, it's off its rocker, but it'll help.

My favorite line(s): "She told the soldier that if he had been so brave then she could be brave too." Aw, sniffles, poor critters, all of them.

In conclusion: This was a strong story, well told from the perspective of the teddy bear, and it tugged at the heartstrings. With a little bit of polishing, I think this story will really shine. Nicely done, and happy anniversary.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
246
246
Review of The Better One  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This was an interesting self reflection that definitely left one thinking. I love the strong ending, too.

Why I could relate to your work: We all must face ourselves at one point or another and see the good in ourselves, the unity.

My suggestions: I'm not a fan of the format. The huge gaps between each line is actually quite distracting from your words. I would suggest closing those up, at least a little.

Any noticeable typos: "I get some, I lose some! like puppets" "like" should be capitalized following the exclamation point.

My favorite line(s): "We look quite similar



but not so alike..." Hmmmm, so similar but oh so different, in your mind's eye of course.

In conclusion: This was an interesting read that expressed quite a bit about your perception of yourself. Nicely done. And welcome to the WDC.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
247
247
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thought I'd give you a review as a congrats for earning yourself a spot on the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1635349 by Not Available.


What I love about your work: The imagery in your work definitely showed us your visions. Lovely variety and ended on making me eager for Thanksgiving, nice.

My suggestions: When it comes to poetry, especially haikus, I find unless there is a blatant error or something along those lines, I don't have any suggestions.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that leaped out at me.

My favorite line(s): "Blackened trunks on pines
The feel of fire still burns" While my state doesn't have many natural disasters, wildfires are one of them so I have seen the damage caused by them and feel your words pen it out well.

In conclusion: This was a nice assortment of poetry, easy to read and understand, well done.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
248
248
Review of Gemini  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Dang, it's frightening the idea of your own children being evil. And the fact that she was so horrified by her own babies, she killed their father, yikes. I like the tone of this story, very eerie and hopeless.

Why I could relate to your work: I've grown up on films like Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, Children of the Corn, etc., so the concept of kids being evil always holds my attention.

My suggestions: I would break up the text a little bit with line breaks. It's easiest to read online when it's not a ton of text all in a row.

I would also recommend working on rewording your sentences to remove the the passive voice. It's something I have to work on with my stories, but if you can do so, this story will be so much stronger.

And just as a side note, I would love to read the back story that lead up to the twins. What about the father created them? Is he a demon? Sacrificed his children's souls to demons? Oh, how curiosity begs to know.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really see anything that took my attention away from your story.

My favorite line(s): "The whispering continued to grow and as he wrapped his cold, dead hands around her throat, her desperate eyes sought out for help, but only landed on the smiling faces of her children." Such a strong conclusion to this frightening tale.

In conclusion: I really like the concept of the evil twins and a mother trying to do what she thinks is best to perhaps save them, but more than likely not. It's dark and creepy, and has a wonderful tone. Enjoyed it quite a bit, and happy anniversary.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
249
249
Review of The Gold Chain  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This was a cute story, showing off the sweet honesty of two good children. Plus, tempting us all with sweet delicacies.

Why I could relate to your work: I would like to think my daughters would engage in the same behavior as these two children, but who knows until they're in that situation. As a parent, it pleased me to see the kindness in their hearts.

My suggestions: The first would be formatting. I would recommend when posting your story, make sure the paragraphs are double spaced. It makes it so much easier on the reader's eyes and makes the breaks more easily identified.

I would suggest reading this out loud to try to catch sentences that don't flow well. It won't work at catching everything, but it will certainly help a bit.

Any noticeable typos: I did notice grammatical errors. If you put this in a program like ms word or something with spelling and grammar check, it might help catch most of it.

My favorite line(s): ""Oh! Those delicious cakes and pastries..." they spoke together and licked their lips as they ran through the inviting images of cakes and pastries in their mind." Just like children, fixate on the sweets :D.

In conclusion: This was a sweet story that will really shine if you polish it up a bit. And, welcome to the WDC.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
250
250
Review of The Merman's Love  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: The cycle worked into this tale was very interesting. Love and curses, the eternal invitation from the sea, it was a pretty concept.

Why I could relate to your work: I love mermaids. My middle daughter is practicing to become a professional mermaid when she's older (yes, it is actually a thing) and has a mermaid tail already and everything. So, I totally found myself engrossed in the story.

My suggestions: I know this was written for a contest, so you were probably bound by word count, but it feels very rushed. Not rushed in the quality of the work, but just the story line feels like it's throwing us down this road and not giving the reader time to enjoy the details. I would love to see this expanded, the details shown to us instead of told to us, given a chance to grow attached to all the characters, see why the sea heir would give up his throne for a human, etc.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see any typos that grabbed me out of the story.

In conclusion: I liked the idea of this story quite a bit and think it would be great to read more of it. Mermaids and mermen are hard to resist when it comes to stories. Nicely done, happy anniversary.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
418 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 17 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shadowsnflames/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10