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310 Public Reviews Given
317 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a GREAT story. I understand you are thirteen, but in my book, you're thirteen going on thirty. An amazing job. I predict wonderful things in your future and I hope writing plays a part in it.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl, ReJoyce...whatever

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27
27
Review of Underworld  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It took me a while but I finally 'got it'. And it is so cute - FUN to read and read again. Love the imagery, what a great imagination you have... I shall read more.

Just a little nit below that needs your magic touch:


“Then, we'll have to say good-bye. replace the period with a comma” said Mr. Rhet,insert as he ran to the hole and jumped through.


I loved the following sentence and I don't know why - maybe because of the picture it paints and how it ties in with the beginning of the story - too cute. And it struck me funny because who ever has an egg timer on the mantle?
Yesterday, while I was dusting the egg-timer on the mantelpiece, I received another letter:

This really needs a mention that it's comedy at its finest. I'm still laughing at the names. THANK YOU!

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl
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28
28
Review of LOVE ADAM  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A POWERFUL STORY! WOW... The first paragraph is a ZINGER. The tone of this somber story is as real as rain. I will point out some areas that need your magic touch and will not mention all the areas that should have commas. I'll let someone else do that. I'm used to your writing now and simply pause where I know a comma should be.

Their blank eyes seem like vales <<veils

Ivan thinks as he and his wife's <<wife struggle

he grabs his wife<<wife’s arm and makes her stop.

must have been so frighten<<frightened, she thinks as she stirs a pot

He can<<delete understands why the Ukranians

MY FAVORITE PARAGRAPH:
The rattle of the wooden bowls on the table makes the old man’s mouth water.<<a great vision I am just like Pavlov's dog he thinks as he starts to get up from his chair to join his wife at the table.

The pain in his joints tells him that time will not offer him the sweet taste of revenge.<<a FANTASTIC sentence!
*********************************

When the battle started we would be sitting ducks all tightly group<<grouped within those truck<<trucks or that truck,

Walking through the dead and dieing<<dying you did not know who was luckier.

They grabbed me and throw<<threw me in the pit; on the way to the fire I woke up screaming. Ever<<every time I fell asleep they would return.

>>For what>>What I have done there is no forgiveness.

A poignant tale that makes me shudder to think it could be happening now.

I want so badly to give it 5 stars because it hits me between the eyes and weighs heavy on my heart.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl
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29
29
Review of GYPSY PART 1  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I forgot to send my comments yesterday on this fine Part 1 to Gypsy. The first paragraph is beyond sensational - It's so beautiful it's almost poetry. I love it. I really enjoyed every word but can't help but wonder how this can be true.

There are so many great phrases and wonderful imagery that I can't begin to list them.

I can't wait to read the last part.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl
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30
30
Review of DEAR DIARY  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am in La La Land on this one. It's fast and YOU know who is who. I'm LOST and maybe tooo literal. I'm really digging to reach this - Tom, who is really Chis (Can I assume he is the beer drinker in the first paragraph?)has been found conked in the head, dead by the oak tree and ironically is a victim of Karma since he killed his wife, Johanna?

Ohhh!! Johanna had the diary? I'm getting chills now...
She came home from the prom, parents went bye-bye and she married Tom/Chris?

This was a REAL stretch for me and I'm still not sure if I have it right. If you intend for your reader to PONDER and I mean Ponder you have accomplished that mission. I'm still not sure if my interpretation is what you intended.

Regardless, here are a few nits:

a <<anold frayed wire that had seen better days.

MY FAVORITE LINE:
She thinks of love and her dreams soar to heights that only youth can achieve.

So, I confess - this one is OVER my pea brain. Tell me what you said and forgive my scoring because I love your works and will reread it tomorrow, but this has me BAFFLED.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl
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31
31
Review of FIRST DIVE  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A great story which reminds me of how I overcame my fear of water - scuba gear in the backyard pool. How lucky for a twelve year old to have that opportunity.
Shouldn't the words gages be gauges? Whatever.
It also reminds me of the days my boys took scuba lessons and the older one always ran out of air. Those were the GOOD old days. Thanks for taking me back.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl, ReJoyce, whatever...
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32
32
Review of CRITIQUE  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Another great story and almost your usual perfect. Maybe the word pick in the next line s/b picked.
I pick up a broken pool cue; they must have used it to beat me with.

Whatever. A fun story that reads like blog. Can't stop now.

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl, ReJoyce, whatever
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33
33
Review of TALL TALE  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's almost as if I were there - great writing. One crit - Mahi Mahi, is the fish, rather than Maui Maui, the location - eh, or maybe you wanted a fish named after Maui. Whatever. I enjoyed the story and will read more - 'cause you know how to write!

OnWords & UpWords
Shirl, ReJoyce, whatever...
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34
34
Rated: E | (5.0)

***EVERYONE - READ THE NO NOs *****

Absolutely GREAT advice. I (thinking I knew everything, almost) had to go back, check my work and VOILA - found an -ing word after a semi-colon. I'm elated to learn something I never knew. BRAVO. Tell the world.

Thank you - OnWords & UpWords
Shirl, ReJoyce, whatever....
35
35
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've chosen a very debatable subject. Your thinking is quite interesting. If you will read your essay aloud and repair the problems you may have a compelling argument for your friend and readers.
I feel your subject is great it's the packaging (format errors, overall appearance, connected words, etc.,)which needs improvement.

To answer your question - who knows?

I admire your courage and effort on tackling this sensitive subject. Please do not let my low score discourage you. It is meant help. I am no great judge by any means.

The GPs are for your effort.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce, Shirl, whatever....
36
36
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't know of getting a college education for free, but this is one GREAT essay.

If you will break the marvelous message into smaller paragraphs you will get 5 - FIVE Stars.

I can't wait to send this remarkable work of art to my granddaughter, just to hear what she has to say.
She's on a college team and of course her tummy is a washboard.

Thanks for another perspective. You've done a great job. Don't stop now, you're just getting warmed up.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce!
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37
37
Review of The Riverboat  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sashi,

You have done a splendid job of writing this story. It's really a 'feel good' tale and I enjoyed their adventure. Your sentences are constructed perfectly and your spelling and punctuation amazes me.

I really appreciate it when writers take the time to polish their work and this is pristine.

What a neat picture book this would make for young people - everything lends itself so well to being illustrated. Your imagery is great.

Just a couple of suggestions:If you could have spaces on either side of the dashes it would help. Also the figure $165,440 needs to have the space deleted after the comma.

A joy to read.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
38
38
Review of Green Eyes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Whew! You sure know how to spin a tale. You could have fooled me at first - you reeled me right in - I thought it was going to be funny. NOT FUNNY. But so well written...like a pro. I can't find a single nit to pick.

Being a 'pollyanna' I would love to see you take the last half of the story, FLIP it another way and put a smile back on my face. I'm not saying I didn't like it, the writing and story is magnificent, but it's so heart wrenching - I'm depressed.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce (how can I after this one?)
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39
39
Rated: E | (3.5)
Elana,

Your imagination is almost as remarkable as your sensitivity. You have managed to put a heart and soul into a monster. You've given it a mind and a thought process. I sense a writing career in your future. Your two points of view (POV)are interesting and somehow you manage to get inside the monster's thinking. Maybe you could italicize the monster's thoughts.

May I comment on a few areas?:

In the following sentence:
No one ever measured its full length, but one thing was for certain: no one doubted that because of its size and ferocity it ruled the seas.

Would you feel comfortable deleting a few words, simply to tighten the writing? For instance - Its length had never been measured, but one thing was certain - it ruled the seas.

This was my favorite sentence, great imagery, maybe delete the word 'to' and change move to moving:
His red eyes glowed with a fierce energy, while arms clawed the water to move quickly. OR His red eyes glowed with a fierce energy, while his arms quickly clawed the water.

In the following phrase may I suggest deleting up? shot up out of the water and into the air.

Sometimes the simplest words are the best - such as your sentence - A perfect target. You may even want to connect it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon.

Because of the word 'hundred' I had to smile.*Laugh* There seems to be too much information in a short space. It doesn't.. it..how can I say it? The following two sentences need help, a lot of help:
It opened its mouth wide, to reveal a hundred shining teeth. There were as sharp as knives- when they were used as knives.

How about - Its switchblade teeth revealed remnants of yesterday's missing tourists. OR Chunip's razor teeth clicked in anticipation of the next meal. OR Simply - A wide opened mouth revealed stiletto daggers.

If you wish to leave it alone you need to change the first word to They.(There were as sharp as knives- when they were used as knives.)

In the following sentences:
The man was struggling, but he was too old to hold on much longer. Chunip carried him out of the water, and turned him over on deck. He stirred, and woke.

May I make the this suggestion?:
Whenever you can get rid of the word 'was'- try to. So - The old man struggled, unable to hold on much longer. OR Struggling, the old man could not hold on. OR The struggling old hands failed.

By now the reader knows the creature's name is Chunip; so I question where it came from. Does it have some significance? Does it mean Man Eater in the Sea? Was it given to him by the sailors, fishermen, or was it a hand-me-down name through the years? Whatever and however, it wouldn't hurt to know it in the early paragraphs. It would also create mystery.

One more thing, in the old man's dialogue -
"You saved my life again, and I know you can't be evil." How about - "You saved my life again, you can't be evil." OR - "Thank you," gasped the old man as his heart failed, "you saved my life... again, you can't be evil."

Now, we're at the last two lines - the punch, the payoff, the big bang, mystery, hook, or the promise to your readers. We know that a sea monster named Chunip and Bobby, now an old man, have seen each other before (WOW! what a story!). What is about to happen when old Bobby's heart fails and Chunip is now able to do some considering...for a minute...while poor old Bobby sinks deeper into an endless ocean?

Guess what? I say this is where the story begins.

Get back into Chunip's head. Tell it how he/she sees it - from the deep.

I didn't expect this review to be so long, but I have a practice to review those items I really appreciate, those I feel deserve more than what I can ever give.

You have a lot of potential, a great imagination, a tremendous feeling and empathy.

I've enjoyed the time I've spent reading your work.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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40
40
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Alexandria,

I'm almost speechless. This story takes my breath away. I'm not going into any lengthy dissertation of the value and sensitivity of your exceptional work but.. I must say to the potential reader - "There is little to smile about." However, I consider it a MUST READ.

So well written, I can almost believe we're in the year 2145. Uncanny. Your ability to express yourself is a gift, a rare gift. Few have it.

Only one or two gliches, so minor I feel like an idiot to even mention one - read it aloud -it's obvious:
The doctor came in back with results in his hands

Maybe this should be for those over eighteen rather than thirteen to fully grasp the messages.

It's amazing the talent you find when you're least looking for it. This is my lucky day. I feel like I've discovered gold.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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41
41
Review of My Father's Eyes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Morgaine,

This has everything (I think) a unique serious poem should have - fantastic imagery, something to 'think' about, a pace that's out of the norm, a subject that is sensitive, and a message that's easily understood. And to top it off - the cherry on top - perfect spelling, what a treat.

It's the type of poem I love to read again and again and I don't know why.

Great, really great.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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42
42
Review of Cold  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Tiger,

This is remarkable, excellent, spell-binding. Once I began reading it, I couldn't stop. I only wish there was more to the ending, not sure what, but more oomph, more of a zap.

I'm in awe of this writing, it flows and the imagery is beyond good.

There are just a few areas that I would mention. The following sentence made me reread it several times - I still have a problem understanding the second phrase:
The blood underneath his jacket began to wash away, and drip in rain-mingled droplets onto the pavement.

recieved s/be received

and a soft sound as boots hit the ground.<<Would the sound be soft if it was heard hitting the ground? Hitting to me means somewhat loud rather than soft.

This could really turn into a humdinger of a story. Your spacing made it very easy to read. It slows the pace and helps to build the suspense - very clever.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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43
43
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yes, I can understand why it had to be the worst vacation. I enjoyed the twists and turns of it and have made some comments in red:

To make things worse, the two chicks behind me were making bets on how long it would take me to hurl in that little barf bags that the planes provide."
I would eliminate the 'that's and have the sentence read - To make things worse, the two chicks behind me were making bets on how long it would take me to hurl in the little barf bags the planes provide.

We aren't taking<<talking a little wobble either.

that's ridicules."<<ridiculous

"So we all take the bus to our hotel. We sat on the top deck of the bus.Why not delete 'of the bus' since we know where you are? You may even want to join the sentences with a semi-colon or rearrange it.

We were told that they still had rooms that we could sleep inJust a suggestion, but why not eliminate each 'that'?

{"Oh this is a real gem of a story" she was able to get out as she continued to laugh.*red*Delete the beginning bracket, and I think a comma should be inside the end quote.

Do you know who was suppose to be in it?*red*Replace suppose with supposed, since it is past tense.

A perfect title and I enjoyed knowing the many languages spoken in London. Your imagery was good (the burned down hotel), and the dialogue was believable.

Good job.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce

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44
44
Review of Passion  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I love the short syllabled sentences; it made it fun and easy to read. But more importantly, the words were obviously chosen with great care. The words made it real, sincere, bringing the reader into the midst of the growing passion. A beautiful job. *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Thank you for joining Writing.Com, you're in for a treat if you enjoy writing.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce, or don't ReJoyce, it's a choice.
Hey lady, is it multiple choice?
What don't you understand about choice, dingbat?

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45
45
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is one great tale. I saw another's review on the Public review page and it aroused my curiousity. I'm so glad it did because this is unique in plot and imagery. The dialogue glues it all together beautifully.

My favorite line:

"You don't have to look upon the face of a fool."

I love it when I can almost believe the unbelievable.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce or don't ReJoyce, it's a choice.
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46
46
Rated: E | (4.5)
The imagery is terrific. The short free form poem has everything - drama, creativity, plot, cuteness and best of all - it's fun to read.

Thank you for sharing. Do more.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce or don't ReJoyce, it's a choice
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47
47
Review of Boise City  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Uh oh! I'm in big trouble. I found another gold mine. That's two today! You're not going to believe this spattering of glutinous maximus - imagery - metaphors, similes, talent - Wow!

I loved the metaphor - railroad bridges grin

And the phrase prairie dogs sit like brown bagged bottles.

And where the roads stretch - from nowhere to nowhere. Why didn't I think of that?

This is pure gold. Short, sweet, pure.

It's clearly understandable and a delight to read.

What to change, improve? Absolutely nothing, not a comma.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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48
48
Review of Plenty of Purple  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love it, the bruise especially - so creative, who would think of it? - True Blue, that's who. And the last line is too cute. This was so much fun to read. I love lighthearted poems after reading so many tearjerkers today. Thank you.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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Review of "Turkish Horse"  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Every now and then I come across a piece that I do not consider writing. It's rare, but three or four times a year I might find it in the hidden gold mine. It's priceless, it's magic. Words which flow like syllables doused in baby oil. (Just one typo - chracteristic, who cares with such intensity? Not me.)

I think you are on the right track. Writing. Yes. Magic. Definitely.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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50
50
Review of JUST ONE MORE DAY  
Rated: E | (5.0)
These very sad words make us understand how precious today really is. Your friend obviously appreciated the wonder of nature and the feeling of love for his wife. Your words are soft and sincere and I feel your emotion for losing your young friend. God be with you.

OnWords & UpWords
ReJoyce
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