It made me smile, and I thought the descriptive terms used were really good. I thought the rhythm flowed well. And what a fun topic! I enjoyed it even more on the second read.
My favorite part was the first four lines. Absolutely perfect - and what a way to pull in the reader. I love the use of "menagerie". I would never be able to use that word successfully in a poem - and you used it and made me fly right over it - nicely done.
If I had to suggest something for improvement - I would perhaps look at this one stanza:
bloodletting ballgame lurchingly begins
I love the word lurch, and it's very appropriate in this context, but the 'ing' kind of detracts from it. I also wondered about "begins". It rhymes with the word in the previous stanza, but it doesn't sound very strong to me.
I wanted to suggest lurches to a start but that doesn't rhyme.
Wasn't sure how much of a close read you wanted so I will stop there.
I really enjoyed this poem. I think it was a very interesting format, with very appropriate word choices. The subject matter touched me. I think a lot of people will be able to relate. Nicely done for a quick scribble! Not sure how much work you may want to put into it so I'll give a light review.
My favorite part was the first stanza. I could almost feel the sunlight sliding over the darkness.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps it might be appropriate to look at the rhythm and see if it could be tightened up a bit.
Also - the last stanza sounded tiny bit of out step - perhaps the fire and ice reference could be changed to more closely be in line with the musical theme of that particular part? Might improve the flow. But - is fine the way it is.
If you are interested in a more critical or in depth review let me know and I'll give it a deeper look.
I enjoyed your short poem, Life Rings. I liked the theme, and the comparison to the tree.
My favorite parts were "blight withered your branches, and time carved deep lines into the curves of your face." I could feel this.
I wondered about the eyes, if there was another way to say them, as a tree's eyes, or knots, or something, but in the end I decided I liked it the way it was.
Some people, like trees, are silent sentries, watching as the world passes by, the good, the bad, always rooted and hopeless to change what goes on around them.
I think if you wanted - this could be expanded and be slightly longer, with a perhaps some more descriptive words.
Hello 2Moon! I enjoyed reading your poem "Words." I was referred to it from the Newbie Newsletter. Poetry about writing is one of my favorite topics.
I really liked the descriptive tone in your poem, and the imagery. I could almost see the beast from Beauty and the Beast, working to make his story spill from someone's pen.
I was was wondering if you intended to add additional stanzas? I was eager to read more!
General Comment: You have a great voice – I like the easy flow, and the strong descriptions. You have an eye for detail! Have you read Stephen King’s book “On Writing”? You should give it a go – it talks about some methods for editing that could make your writing a bit tighter. Very nicely done.
I really liked the story and could picture the events as they unfolded. The ending left me a bit sad. I've sent some additional edit suggestions via Email.
I really liked this. I thought the 2nd stanza was the strongest. I also liked "bleeding through the quiet moments of the night."
If I had to suggest something for improvement - I think this could use some trimming and revising to make it tighter. I'd be glad to give you a few specific suggestions if you are interested. If you are - let me know if you have microsoft word.
I enjoyed your poem the ugly truth. The rhythm was interesting and had a definite cadence to it. I was curious about why there were a few repeated a few lines, almost a refrain?
The first stanza was my favorite. Part of the third stanza was a close second:
"I am inside euphemistic blues
Just behind the horizon you stare at
With comprimised hues"
I enjoyed the multiple message in this poem.
If I had to suggest something for improvement - perhaps rework it and take out the extra line spacing, and maybe look at this stanza below. For some reason - this couple of lines made me hesitate:
"I am treasure unvalued
Or not valued right"
I wondered if there was another way to say "or not valued right" that might rock along with this rhythm and remove the negation?
Hello! I really liked the premise of this poem. It was full of really great imagery, and a strong contrasting idea (flowers/battle). What a great idea! I felt a real kinship with this poem and I liked it a great deal. Please keep going! What an inspiration.
I am sending detailed comments about each stanza in a word document (email) because I couldn't figure out how to attach it within the review. I hope you find it helpful.
I greatly enjoyed your poem "watch the barstool." I think it was different and refreshing - and I like how the poet spoke about the subject with no apologies. It's a straight take it or leave it attitude.
My favorite part was this: and if, together, we might make an alloy of our desire
I thought that was an interesting way to say it. Especially considering the encounter seemed to be so fleeting, a one night stand. How do you make something metal from that?
I think the punctuation and lack of capitalization speaks to the tone irreverence, and is fitting.
If I had to suggest an improvement - Maybe fix the spelling errors? (i.e., - it's staright to the deep end for me; - I think you mean straight?).
I enjoyed your poem, "Bringing the Curtain Down." I know I certainly relate. Life sometimes to take more energy than I have in the tank, and it sure makes me wish life would slow down and let me enjoy a day on the porch instead of in a frantic pace - 'on stage.'
I really like how you compared the prime of life to a show. I think this poem develops a great metaphor.
My favorite part was:
I am done..I am done..
I just want to rest awhile.
The repetition was a great device here - I can feel the weariness and age.
If I had to suggest something for improvement - I would offer this: I don't do much with rhyme, so it's kind of hard for me to review this with an experienced eye, but I thought perhaps I might ask if this poem would open up if the poet was not constrained to words that rhyme? Some of them felt a little forced.
This was very nicely done - I really enjoyed the read!
Review - I noticed no glaring grammatical or spelling errors. I found the content rich and intriguing. I asked myself at the end, did Hannah do the right thing? If she had told her mother the truth, would her mother have been able to settle any outstanding issues, maybe tell Hannah she loved her one more time?
The story engaged (me) the reader and made me think!
Suggestions for improvement - Maybe lighten up the dialogue a tiny bit.
This is a very well done poem! I really enjoyed it. I thought it flowed really nicely. It was easy to follow and the word usage was appropriate for the topic. I liked the way the whole focus was on the person being chased/followed by the 'reputation.' Too many times we don't think about that. Good moral to this poem.
If i had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps find some way to remove a couple of the "she" instances, epsecially in the final stanza. The three in a row tripped me up a bit - but not too much.
I really enjoyed your short story, "No More Road Trips."
I could feel the tension in the story, and I really liked the ending. The strange things is something sort of like this once happened to me, so I can really relate. The story, along with my memories, gave me goosebumps!
I noticed no significant spelling or grammar issues.
I wonder if you might lighten the dialogue a bit to make it tighter. Maybe consider deleting these pieces and simply say "We got into the tent for the night" or something? Or are there essential bits to the story line in them?:
"You're probably right. Let's get some sleep. We still have a long drive tomorrow and I'm exhausted. I still think we should have just taken a plane. I'm starting not to like this road trip plan you came up with," I complained. (And) “Everyone needs to go on a road trip at least once in their lives. It’s good for the soul,” he said as he winked at me and smiled."
perhaps also take out some of the "!". I think one is enough after the screams.
Good short story, intriguing, and tidy - keep up the good work.
I enjoyed your poem, "Starting out small." What an interesting topic for a poem!
My favorite part was "Spreading the lies, like icing on the cake." Very interesting visual, and a very strong piece of the poem.
I also liked this: "Lies form from the lips of the teller, Spread like rapid fire to those of the listeners." This conveys the chain of the lie, listeners become tellers.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I would pass this along:
Someone once said to me, "You only get one chance with a word in a poem." I think that means the more often you repeat a word, the less the impact. I wonder what this poem would be like if you left out the word lie? Or maybe just said it once?
I also wondered a bit about the question marks, and I think with some careful trimming this poem could be stronger.
Can you tell me a little about about your audience/intentions for this piece? Are you entering it in a contest? Or for a class? If so I'd be happy to provide more input if you would like.
I greatly enjoyed this poem, "She writes in blue." I wonder if you might share a little bit more about what inspired you and where you hope the reader might go while reading this poem?
Several stanzas spoke out to me - but the second stanza was my favorite.
Is there a way to enhance it - maybe with a word other than fingernail. Is there a softer way to say that? It seems to imply a delicate gentle touch...anyway, just a thought.
I love how you described the ripples in life, and in the pond. When taken alone,Too large to be seen, to small to be missed...
I also really liked this one: " Lined beyond its years, By events too acid,not to etch trails, across its tender surface." Absolutely gorgeous.
The last stanza was good as well - is the dream just a lie? I don't know about the question marks though, and I got lost in some the capitalizations - I'm not sure why some of this was capitalized, but I'm pretty new at all this!
It seemed like this poem could be developed into 3 or 4 different poems - all different detailed facets of the same inspiration. There is so much going on in this poem, it's hard to dissect and appreciate all at once. Please forgive the unexperienced folks like me :)
This is a very soothing poem. I like how you made the rhymes flow.
My favorite part was "He still tries to sneak up on them, coming in from beyond the trees." I liked the imagery.
I was a little confused trying to decide why the sun would miss the narrator, for surely the sun has seen the narrator elsewhere besides the park? Of is it something magical about the sun/park relationship that you are trying to convey?
It might be good to re-think the rhythm - although I'm not an expert in that area for sure.
Thank you for sharing your poem "I am a coward with open sores."
It has good rhythm and flows nicely. It has easy rhymes that feel natural. It has a theme that is well developed.
It is relateble to many people. All of us are to some extent - afraid to really trust themselves, their writing, their dreams.
The open sore terminology is negative and raw and envelopes the entire pieces. The sores worn like a badge, both off putting to others, and a direct result of the pain the narrator brings to himself.
My favorite part was "I'm on all fours" - this provides good imagery and strategically demonstrates rock bottom - the way we are when we are on the floor with agony, shame, grief, or hiding.
I have no suggestions for improvement. Keep up the good work.
Okay -this was very unexpected. I hope you understand the impact this has. I can say this is my favorite, although I have yet to finish reading everything in your port. I just feel it deep down.
I'll try to be analytical but I had a very emotional response to this poem.
I keep going over and over it trying to decide on my favorite stanza, and I just can't. It's a very cohesive piece. The order makes absolute sense. I can see it all unfold.
I can put myself in this poem, and relate to so much of it. You have done an excellent job, revealing something intimate and personal, yet leaving room for the reader's own experiences.
I want to hear more about what inspired this poem, please. I can share what it seems to mean to me, but I'd rather hear what it means to you.
Excellent job. I'm going to have to figure out a better way to say how much I appreciate this poem. Writing "Excellent job" just doesn't really come close.
I'll have to read it over and over again. I'm a fan. I wish I wasn't reading it as a return review, so you would deeply understand the significance. Sometimes I worry that return reviews receive less credit because they are return reviews, but it's important to me you understand the honesty in my response to this poem.
This was a great story! It made me laugh. I can see why it won.
I could see something like this happening in my own house. I love the ironic ending.
This was written well and I could see nothing to suggest for improvement. I sort of wished it was longer (probably because I got caught up in it), but then I decided that might take away from the irony, and it was perfect just the way it is.
It did leave me wanting to get to know Elizabeth a bit better, maybe in the next story.
I really enjoyed your poem on "how to write a poem."
What a fun poem to write! I really like how you hit so many important points of poems.
I really like how you put contrast in it like you did with "travel to the pacific coast, or a place that you hate the most."
I think the poem might benefit from a bit of restructuring, and perhaps some trimming, and an eye to the rhythm. What exactly does that mean? Perhaps something like this? Again - just an idea:
Establish a rhyme scheme,
develop a central theme.
Take me to the Pacific coast,
Or place you despise the most.
Regarding restructuring, it just seemed you went from what a poem is "poems are graceful poems are hateful" to the pieces or components of a poem, to poem content.
This poem has a lot of merit. It might even lend itself to a longer piece, or two pieces or three stand alone stanzas, one on what a poem is, one on poem structure, one on content. What fun!
I enjoyed your poem, Wings. I like how it has a message for the reader, and shares the implications of what happens when we stop following dreams. It made me think of MLK's speech - I have a dream.
I have a question about this part:
Tell me truly to my face.
Are you quitting your own race?
Are you speaking about a race (that you run), or a race of people? That may be because I kept hearing MLK while I read this.
What do you think about flipping the word order here:
Our wings can only get us so far.
You're there only to raise the bar.
To:
You're only there to raise the bar.
It's a different meaning slightly, but I thought it flowed. Anyway - thank you for sharing your poetry! I"m terrible with rhyme, I don't know how people do it.
Thank you for the very interesting story. I enjoyed reading it.
What I liked: It was a very interesting story, and the chronology made sense. It had some very interesting twists. I kept wondering what was going to happen next.
Questions about the story: I wondered why a man who stuttered would draw attention to himself by seeking out conversation. Secondly, would someone who had killed their family seek out attention like that? I just thought they were interesting questions.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I might suggest you consider re-writing your first line:
"It was raining heavily that night.Here and now one could hear the sound of the lightning, the sun never shone from dawn to dusk"
Perhaps like this: It was raining heavily. (this changes the time frame from 'that night). The shorter sentence is less of a struggle to read, and helps develop the setting.
Second, what about lightening are you trying to describe as an auditory sense? What can you hear? The sizzle? The crack of the accompanying thunder? Maybe describe it in another way.
Finally "The sun never shone from dawn to dusk." Perhaps if you decide this part is important, you could rethink how it is written. the first line, and the first paragraph, are pretty important in getting the reader's attention.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you for sharing your short story!
I enjoyed your poem, After a day. Thank you for sharing it with me.
I like how you played up the mundane aspects of life, and how we waste our time, and let our days just pass us by.
I wonder if there might be a way to lesson the number of times you use the word "day" in this poem? What is a day? How else might it be described? Maybe some free-writing would help.
Someone once told me in a review of one of my pieces "you only get one chance with a word in a poem." I think he meant that subsequent use of the word lessons its impact, and it looses its effectiveness. This is especially true in poetry, where we have such a limited landscape available, and a shorter period to develop and share our messages.
I hope you find this review helpful. I'm a new poet so please keep that in mind!
Have a great day!
Sil
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