I thought this was a very interesting short story. You have a really great way of describing things.
I wondered a bit about the piece's identify - is it grief (over someone dying) or is it the death of a relationship? Or is it depression?
I really liked this: "the type where even breathing feels like hard-work; the type where my mouth can’t form coherent words and I get angry even thinking of speaking."
I liked this as well,: My legs are like lumps of useless wood – attached, thankfully, but no longer operational. My arms have a slow burn up the back of them, painful to move and aching. Sleepiness has attached its warm tendrils to my mind, delicious and delectable but I cannot give in. My eye lids drift closed but I force them back open.
I wondered about this: "My heart it aches; why, I do not know." The next statements seem to indicate that the woman has some idea what is making her sad, so this confused me.
And this: "I am wrapping" seems to speak to the confusion of the tenses.
I wondered a bit about the time duration, from the descent or present feeling of grief, to the almost sudden abrupt healing.
Is there something going on here, a context I'm missing?
"the drain, at the center
starts a choking, throaty gurgle,"
AND
"a soft muddy layer of
unwanted feelings comes up and covers the floor"
and
"and long wet afternoon
kisses, indolent and purposeful--
succumbing to passion's steady pleading"
I thought the imagery was excellent. The emotion was in step with the theme.
Suggestions for improvement: I had trouble with the format change, especially in the second stanza. I went off wondering more about why it was done rather than staying tied to the imagery in the poem.
The word 'skywater' seemed not to fit for some reason, might just be me.
I enjoyed this poem. I liked the imagery, especially here: "Yellow-green eyes stare me down, daring me to move, to breathe." It's got the feel of a cat ready to pounce. I also liked how it started and ended with tail twitching. I liked the rhythm and the organization.
Is there a particular reason you double spaced the poem this way?
I liked this poem. I think the old english style suited the subject. I like how the way it is written reflects the times to which it pays tribute. It has a very romantic sound and feel to it.
If I had to suggest something to improve, I would ask that you revisit "let me suffer not as I have," that seems a bit out of step. I wonder what would happent to the piece if it was removed, or changed up?
I really enjoyed your poem, the Night is thick with you.
I love how it describes that all consuming passionate feeling, where everything is colored with thoughts and feelings about the one you desire/love/want. How obsessive and addictive that feeling can be!
I especially liked how you talked about breathing the lover into your lungs. Several senses are addressed, hearing, smelling, feeling/touch, in very unique ways. I could go on and on about what I liked in this poem, but I wasn't sure how detailed a review you were seeking.
If I had to look for something to comment on as a suggestion for improvement: I thought the capital letters scattered here and there might be a bit distracting, and was this done intentionally, the word pulls twice in the same stanza - for emphasis?
"It pulls out and grabs me, pulls me.
I feel your arms about me in the air, "
Anyway - I loved it. I think this poem is really good.
I greatly enjoyed this piece! It really spoke to me. I also love to write about writing, and read just about anything about writing!
I really like how you talked about wondering where the words went, on vacation or something, as if they have a life of their own, and deliberate intent to vex us.
I enjoyed the way you wove the virgin maid into the piece.
This was an interesting story, with a unique idea. Wouldn't it be nice if we really could dial up and dial down our weight?
I like how you played up that anything easy often has side effects or consequences that we don't anticipate. We always have to do the work!
The descriptive tone is easy to read. The chronology of the story made sense. The character was developed and believable. The setting was well defined.
Suggestions for improvement: I think this short story could use some careful pruning. Maybe took a look at removing things that are not essential to the story line. Maybe look at the believability of the incidents and the comments, I know people are often cruel, but these comments seems a bit out of line for what might be said in a public forum.
I also wondered a bit about the logic, he can afford a trip to Jamaica, but not liposuction?
Thank you for sharing your story, I look forward to reading more of your work.
The imagery was excellent. The rhymes were easy and unforced. The subject was very interesting and creative. The chronology made sense, and I liked how the fear builds as you read this poem. The poem had a definite and solid ending.
There were a lot of strong ties within the poem (parade, march) that made it feel united and cohesive.
I loved the way you said this:
"On silent feet they march as one."
This is outstanding imagery. A group of well organized shadows (almost like a band or army) is a lot more scary than a scattered band of random unorganized ones.
This makes me think they are a large group, with one mission - coming for me! In addition, the use of the word march implies a sound of marching, and a rhythm, even though their feet are silent, the implication of marching sets a tone. It made me think of watching an army march in a scene on tv, with the sound off.
Suggestions for improvement:
This was hard. I think my only comment would be to a couple places where I did hesitate, like during the stanza below. It made me slow a bit. I thought it was the rhythm but the syllable count is fine.
"And scratching branches beat their drum."
I think it might be the word "their," that made me hesitate - but I don't know exactly why. Or it might be "and." Or it might be the vowel sound of drum.
That's not very helpful is it? I'm not a poetry expert, (and I write very bad poetry), so I probably shouldn't comment on this at all. But I still thought you might want a general impression.
Anyway - I have a bit of a tendency to overdue in a review so I'm going to stop there. If you are interested in any more detailed thoughts regarding this particular piece, I'd be happy to share. I hope there is something in this review that you find helpful.
Thanks again for sharing, this was a very fun read.
It was filled with rich humor (no pun intended). It was interesting, and had a good hook. I laughed when I read the ending. The fact that you got me to laugh at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning, before my coffee, is a big accomplishment!
I liked the part about all the sisters sharing a same name. I was curious when I read this if you had ever heard the song "A boy names Sue." It's a country and western song in the US that was quite popular some time ago.
If I had to suggest an improvement: My mind went off on a tangetnt when I read about the renegades. Is there more about them somewhere? If not - maybe the reference to them could be removed to make the story tighter?
I really enjoyed your poetry piece "Me." It made me think of a new type of poetry a friend passed along to me. I think you might like it so I"m posting the link here. I'm not saying change this poem, I like it just the way it is. But I thought you might like the format for a new one:
There were several parts of it that stand out as especially well stated to me:
"Crazy thoughts like to party in my mind" This speaks to the happy jumble of things and speaks to your state of being.
and
"A gust of wind can make me happy" This description speaks to how changeable you are, and how easily pleased, well said.
and
I like the sound of my heart when I like someone, This was very sweet, but not sappy - and an interesting way to describe it.
All very unique ways of saying somethingl
Your poem had good imagery.
If I had to pick something to improve, I would say clean up a couple little errors (like wont should be won't), and At after the comma shouldn't be capitalized. Little tiny picky things that distract from a really nice piece.
I was sad to visit your port and find you had not completed your bio. I try to put reviews in context, but I have no author context with which to review your poem. So I'll have to do it without knowing a thing about you.
I loved your poem "The Happiness."
It was refreshing to read something that was fun and lighthearted. I liked how the poem told a story, and had a moral.
I was not distracted by any spelling or grammar issues.
The imagery was VERY good. Nicely done, without overweighted words. It flowed nicely in an easy manner.
I don't know what you are looking for in a review, so I'll leave it there. If you want something more detailed please let me know.
Hello! I enjoyed the read of your piece, "The Blue Rose."
I visited your port and was sad to see you haven't filed out your bio yet. I find it very helpful to put my reviews in context by learning a little bit about the person that wrote whatever I am reviewing. I feel like it is kind of like "meet the author", or the page on the back of books that tells the readers just a bit about who wrote it. And I love to get to know a little bit about my fellow writers.
But enough about that!
I really enjoyed the story, and the mystery. Could you tell me a little bit about the motivation behind this piece? Or the inspiration? What are your plans for it in the future? It is intriguing and I would like to hear about what happens next. Is it part of a longer story? I think it must be because of the reference to the winter before I died.
I liked that the piece explored feelings but wasn't too heavy or bogged down emotionally.
I was initially confused about what the piece was supposed to be, is it a poem or a short story, or a poem that tells a short story? It reads like a short story but it is structured a little bit like a poem. Nothing wrong with that just made silly me confused.
Thank you for sharing your writing, and I'd love to read more of your writing. Have a great day.
Great voice used here. I liked the depth, and the maturity.
I liked the imagery, especially "raising my sons from my breast to my knee...to tower over me." I could almost see the woman, raising her hands from the ground on up, as she reads this poem to audience. Have you done an audio of this? I think it would rock.
I appreciated the sense of history developed by listing the men ...and the contrast with the woman raising her sons.
I also liked this: "Just a woman raising sons gloved for fight after fight" describing how the woman is equipping her sons to deal with the future.
Actually - I could keep going on and on about what I like! Awesome piece.
Hi! I am new to writing and new to reviewing. Please keep this in mind.
I loved some off these phrases, like "toothpick ladder"; "toy, pawn, rubber band." Grouped together, interesting imagery.
Hm, what about a "rubber band that smacks the hand that used it." Then explore toy and pawn and toothpick ladder more deeply? There is really something interesting in here, but it might take some work to trim it down and rebuild it.
You might find this site interesting, I loved the poetry format here, and your poem kind of brought it to mind. It's called "Where I come from" I really enjoy the little girl's poem at the end of the web page.
I am new to reviewing, but I liked your poem and wanted to comment.
I think it's very interesting how you explored how a sanctuary can also be a prison, and I believe I relate to where you are coming from.
I really liked the part about the mirror. I often look in mine and think the same thing. What happened to that young girl!
I wanted to suggest that you keep working on this. Perhaps clean up a few minor grammatical issues that distract from the overall presentation, but I wasn't sure if you were interested in that level of detail.
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