Interesting perspective on such a simple thing as a single blade of grass. It imagery would work well as a metaphor of the narrator's choosing, with some slight changes in content. This is a brilliant and insightful observation that translates well into poetry.
As all of your other pieces, the feelings are palpable, honest, and heartfelt - no easy task.
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The physical structure of this poem as it sits on the page is appropriate. It stresses lonliness and sadness with it's short to-the-point stanzas.
The expression of lonliness and unrequited love comes through this well. The narrator shares the lonliness with the reader in a palpable way, demanding of the reader some participation in the process.
The narrator lays bare their heart for all the world to see and sublimates the lonliness into a positive force simply by sharing.
This is a whimsical tale of mystery and wonder. The smooth meter and subtle rhyme scheme work wonderfully to carry this piece about belief and trust to a poignant and rhythmic end.
I'll be back - until I've read them all.
jerry
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The symbolism of the rain and the desert, and something as mundane as watching sports or election coverage. All of this contrasted with duty, and an untimely death, and the brutal sacrifice of those who loved, comes together in a very powerful and provocatie way.
A cute, poignant, and heartfelt piece. This is a dog lover's dream.
The approach is slightly different - everyone knows of the loyalty of a dog to his human companion, but this piece concentrates on the loyalty of dog for dog. Which is different (what would normally be envy and jealousy) in the sense that it is transformed and sublimated into a very endearing quality.
Well done. Thanks.
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It sounds fascinating. The analogy to a tree house lends this a unique and childish feeling. Most everyone had a tree house at some time. The image conjures so much nostalgia from earlier years - fond memories that we can selectively go to, to soften the impact of the present reality.
Your close works well in this way, sharing what your imagination created at such a vibrant and formative time in your life. Your creativity lives on in your writing, and we are blessed by your sharing it with us.
I'm sure that your house in Darwin will always allow you to be able to visit happier times in your imagination. Enjoy, my friend. You are blessed.
Well, this fulfills my obligation to you, but that, by no means, means I am finished perusing your port. I like it here and I'll be back - until I've read it all.
Don't be a stranger.
jerry
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I was recently on the receiving end of caritas. No, it was not an upgrade. It was an enormously generous act which enabled one whom I love very much to continue on with a life-changing opportunity.
The giver was an institution, so it's difficult, as you say, to express my gratitude. My solution - to thank the very human entities who manage said institution. After all, it was, in the end, a human decision.
And so, I responded by saying I was grateful to the institution, to its very charitable and caring staff, but always and mostly - to God.
Reviewing this particular piece can't be just a coincidence. Thank you for piercing my heart. It was a bullseye, my friend - a timely and heartfelt bullseye.
jerry
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This is very nicely done - powerful and provocative.
The pain and devastating loss are palpable, yet the undercurrent of faith and hope are very reassuring. Sublimating sorrow and suffering into something positive, even salvific.
Many, throughout history, have asked the question: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The very elusive answer is: "They don't."
Your piece illustrates this wonderfully. It is beautifully written, thoughtful, and very moving.
Don't be a stramger.
jerry
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Very nicely done. The consistent, yet subtle rhyme scheme trips easily off the tongue and carries this piece to a mysterious, provocative and poignant conclusion/beginning.
Your diction and symbolism work very well:
Rain / sorrow
Innocence / face / grace
roles / souls
Each is significant and interesting.
I'll be back - until I've read it all.
jerry
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I've had the pleasure to r&r a piece of yours some considerable time ago, so I did have some expectations. You did not disappoint. Although we are not to r&r someone more than once, like I said, it was long enough ago that I don't think it really counts.
This piece is very nicely done. The rhyming couplets, in the style of the master, G. Chaucer are neatly constructed and carry this piece to a logical and poignant end.
The feelings expressed are of the universal type and invest this piece with that human connection that is so necessary and powerful in poetry.
Very well written.
jerry
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To manage such an informative and entertaining story within the confines of five hundred words or less is no easy feat. You handled it masterfully.
Anyone with children (and a spouse) can relate to this simple but funny story. Competition among family members, like caustic humor among family, can be fraught with unexpected "dangers." But, damn, it can also be a lot of fun. Your imagery works perfectly in conjuring the scene of friendly, yet cut-throat competition within families. Being a good winner is as important, and as difficult for some, as being a good loser. You demonstrate this with a touch of class.
This is absolutely beautiful! Normally, I'm not a big fan of free-verse. I prefer structure, the stricter, the better, however, this piece works wonderfully. The meter, the imagery, the metaphor all work beautifully to carry this piece to a poignant and illustrative end.
The narrator's love of and respect for our youth is powerfully displayed and, I think, spot-on. My lovely bride and I have seven extraordinary children (because the have an extraordinary mother) that are the tangible meaning in my life.
God bless you. I will be back until I've read them all!
jerry
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Very nicely done. Whenever I find myself in need of a laugh, I only need to visit your port. Thank you.
This piece is an entertaining and lighthearted look at the inevitable process of collecting years, and such unwanted things as extra pounds. Your approach is refrehing and your husband sounds like a great guy. "Trained," well, I'm not sure I like that word, however, it is most likely accurate in its appraisal.
I'll be back - until I've read it all.
jerry
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Marvelous! The juxtaposition is masterfully handled, and very entertaining.
Many people, after royally screwing their lives up, find Jesus, but your narrator's experience is considerably - uh, different. The name her daddy inadvertantly labeled her with seems appropriate. I mean, she did promise to raise you up, after she smothered you, of course.
I do hope the doctor was of some help. When you do, finally, meet the real thing, I trust He won't look like that - imagine... nah, couldn't be. Could it?
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Very nicely done. Four quatrains comprised of rhyming couplets that express the seperation from all that's real, is a moving and effective vehicle. It is poignant and beautifully written.
The imagery is carefully chosen to express the isolation and lonliness of a soul apart.
Very well done.
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Very nicely done. Congratulations on your first try. It is (nearly) perfect.
It is considered a part of the form that, in the last couplet the author somehow refer to herself in some way: either by name, nickname, or some vague but possible connection.
Just a suggestion, but you can really "punch" this up a notch.
jerry
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Wow! Very well done. Beautifully written. The intensity is overwhelming. Intensity - a difficult thing to render in words. The form is consistent and tightly structured. It is the most powerful quality of this piece.
I've often wondered how a soul tolerates, survives, continues under such evil circumstances. You have managed to capture these in a powerful and very well written form. Fascinating!
I have four daughters - this piece hit me - hard! It's disturbing. It's beautiful! Very well done!
jerry
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Nicely done. This piece is heartfelt and sincere. Your love of God is presented firmly, with complete faith and an abiding love.
It could be better. Your meter (how each word flows with the others) is a bit "choppy." By that I mean, try to even out the syllable count from line to line. The more closely each line is to the one before and after it, the more it will flow smoothly. Also, re-think some of your rhymes. They tend to be just a bit forced (there only because they rhyme). This is distracting to the reader, and doesn't give your poetry the force that you so obviously have for the subject.
Perhaps you might, after deciding on a word you wish to rhyme with, make a list of all the words that rhyme with it - you'll be surprised at all of the choices you have - and maybe find a better rhyming word.
These are only suggestions, of course. In the end, you will write the way you write, but, in my humble opinion, you are capable of better and with the passion you so obviously have, it would be a shame not to use every power at your disposal.
Keep writing. It's an acquired thing. The more you write - the better you get.
jerry
PS - Your good friend Flip sent me. She's a great lady, as you already know.
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Very nice. A poignant elegy. How youth gives way to age, and wisdom supplants excitement and dreams. You've captured the mood nicely.There is a longing without the usual disappointment - just a remembrance of better days. Well, maybe not better, but missed none-the-less.
I believe you will be published someday. The narrator doesn't strike me as the type to give up on his dreams.
Welcome to Rising Stars.
Don't be a stranger.
jerry
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Very nicely done. An elaborate, extended, and entertaining limmerick. The anapest meter, though not perfect, is excellent - adding a lighteartedness and fun rythm. The rhyme scheme is imaginative and quite creative. It adds that extra dimension, rounding it out nicely.
All-in-all, a very enjoyable piece. Welcome to the Rising Stars. May your's streak across the wdc heavens for an extended stay.
Don't be a stranger.
jerry
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Came upon this in the poetry newsletter. Congratulations on your recognition. I can think of no one more deserving.
This is a beautiful Haiku. I admit, I've never tried this form, but as you know, I am a fan of structure, so it's prolly just a matter of time. I will use this example for inspiration and guidance.
Hope all is well with you and yours. I've been away, but will soon be inching my way back.
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jerry
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