Very nicely done. You invest so much power in such a short piece. I admit, flash-fiction intimidates the hell out of me. You seem to pull it off effortlessly and with a touch of class. Plot, characterization, conflict, resolution, mystery, they're all there. Marvelous.
This is a very nice story. The pain and frustration of co-dependancy comes accross powerfully. The imagery: the toilet, the empties, the cold tile, all lend the depth and stark reality that this story rightly demands. The reader can feel the pain and frustration, and the anger - righteous anger. It is very well wrtiien and reads smoothly.
Now, my one HUGE problem: Sherri, why in the world did you use second-person narration? It detracts so much from an otherwise powerful and poingnant story. Have you considered changing the pov? Third-person, or even better, first-person would invest this story with the intensity and immediacy it so rightfully deserves.
You have a powerful piece, one with a message that is honest, sensitive, and very important. Don't just lay it out to the reader in second-person. Kick the reader right in the b****! hit him/her with everything you got. Like I said, it's a powerful piece - invest it with ALL the power that first-person narration would give it!
Now, I know this will involve some big changes, but not as much as one might think. Just replace the 'yous,' with 'I,' or he/she. This is a very well structured and powerful story and I know it could be so MUCH better.
Of course, you can ignore my advice. It's only that - friendly advice, but I truly think it has merit, or I wouldn't be writing this.
I like this story very much. I could like it so much more.
jerry
I like it. It has a certain, power. The feeling of loss, devastating loss, comes across very well. Not easy to do in seventeen words.
I think it should be broken into two sentences. You do have a natural break at "...time."
I also think it could be longer. I admit the brevity lends it power, but you are so good at phrasing, I'm sure you could continue to tell it powerfully. Just a suggestion.
All in all, this is an effective piece. It works. I can't give a better compliment, really.
jerry
Very nicely done. A lyrical flow and a great story. The story is told well and with a touch of class. The split personality is a perfect way to present these thoughts.
Nicely done. The spots of rhyme work fairly well. Have you considered structuring a wee bit more rhyme? It helps the flow, which makes it more enjoyable to read, which makes the reader respond more posisively. That's what we all want, is it not?
I think it also suffers from the total lack of punctuation. Don't leave the reader to his/her own devices. We all need guidance. Punctuation will give that. I want to know how you wish me to read your lovely poem. If, as you have it structured, this is one long sentence, well, It's better than that! So, break it down for me. Bring out ALL the beauty.
Thanks for sharing. I truly enjoyed it and think it's capable of so much more. I hope this review doesn't come off as negative. I don't mean it that way. Just trying to do this reviewing stuff.
Very nicely done. Powerful. A forceful, slightly unsteady rhythm. Your imagery works well, very well with the serious nature of the content.
You nearly pull of a steady rhythm of sylables line to line: My favorite is "Shadows/creep/hunters in the night" I really like that 2-1-5 rhythm. Perhaps you could try and maintain it more.
You can ignore me, of course. I think it's fine, really. It's just that it's such a powerful journey, I say kick the reader right in the groin with it. Take his/her breath away! The meter and rhythm can help accomplish that. Trust me, the reader will never know what hit them.
Welcome to wdc. I think it's a magical place. Keep up the good writing.
jerry
This shows true potential I especially like the message, all the different ways to picture a family, the connections, the rough spots. Your imagery is pretty good, and your thoughts on the subject are deep.
You have one minor problem: in ln. three you have a 'number' problem - "dig our HOLE...and fill THEM up. You must either make hole plural, or them singular.
Like I said this is very minor, easily fixed. Aside from that, this piece could be worked into a very nice poem.
jerry
bill -
wonderful, man. straight from the heart.very honest. here at wdc i don't presume to critique others. i'm really not qualified, this is all so new to me. but i know what i like, and i like this piece very much.
I will suggest that, in spots, the meter gets a little bumpy. if you want more specific comments about this, just ask. suffice it to say, i FELT this piece, and isn't that what it's really all about?
jerry
ps
i return your gps. it'd not right to be paid for something i enjoyed so much.
L8r, man
very nicely done. i see you are also new here. welcome.
I liked your story very much, It's cute, reads well and has a lively voice. it was a pleasure to read. keep it up.
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