Max -
Wow! I read this and just let myself react to the power of this piece. Then I read it a second time. Again, Wow! This is poignant, dramatic and powerful.
My playlist contains three Roy Orbison songs and "Dreams" is one of them.
Your story expresses the loss of an unrequited love highlighted in the song in a powerful and heartfelt way. It is an extraordinary story. The heartache and helplessness of the narrator are masterfully presented. The reveal is powerful and terrible. The effect is to take the helplessness and heartache to a surprisingly and extremely powerful level - a level that the reader could never anticipate.
Very impressive. I love it. your talent continues to impress.
Jerry
Max - Very nicely done. The tension is subtle but real. The mention of the epidemic and Joe's thoughtful comments combined with Ruby's obvious anxiety are just enough for the discerning reader. The "normal" day is interesting enough to satisfy the reader and it tends to lull the reader into a sense of love and warmth in spite of the tension hinted at by the epidemic, Joe's comments and obvious concern along with the introduction of Alice and "necessity." The final reveal is a slap-in-the-face and shocks the reader out of the normalcy and, at the same time, makes the normalcy necessary in that it presents the dementia as it would truly manifest itself. Excellent.
You may have intended to reduce the word count for impact, but I wouldn't change a thing. The length is not problematic. The flow, mood and reveal are well crafted and render this a poignant, tense and satisfying piece. Bravo!
Max -
Nicely done. For a first attempt it is technically well done. The rhyme scheme is interesting and works fairly well. The meter is nearly perfect and for the most part, works to set the tone. Anapests are difficult to master, but you have managed to pull it off quite nicely.
I enjoyed this piece. It speaks to loss and love and life - not an easy task. The persona expresses the longing for a love no longer able to survive (due to the absence of one of the lovers) with a passion and longing that affects the core.
Well done. I shall be by to check out some other of your pieces.
S -
Nicely done. Nostalgic and interesting. I enjoyed reliving the changing of culture that was the Sixties. Your style is informative, tight and interesting. Thanks for sharing.
jerry
B P -
Very nicely done. The content is inspirational and poignant.
The form is interesting and well structured. Interesting in the sense that the anapestic foot is mostly elongated in the second half of a line (an extra unstressed syllable) eg:
- - ' - - - '
"When the stone was rolled away
- - ' - - - '
On that glorious Easter Day"
This meter reads well and adds an extra level of quality to the piece.
This is very well crafted: content and form combined perfectly. Nicely done.
I have two pieces on this theme crafted into two different forms (end rhyming tercets, and a monotetra) neither of which surpasses your excellent piece. Congratulations. Please accept my gps as a small token of appreciation of your piece.
Very nicely done, It's about time someone honestly and objectively addressed this subject. Your survey and opinions on this matter are very well presented and you deserve to be congratulated. It was accurate, honest and well argued. I, for one, am grateful and impressed.
You are and have been an important and productive member of this fine community.
Powerful and poignant. So much pain and loss. Memories better forgotten. Comrads existing only as a memory. You manage to invest this piece with all of that. Memories of a forgotten war.
It does my heart good to see what gratitude and appreciation service men and women receive today. It was not so back then. I was actually spit on in SanFrancisco airport. It is wonderful that the public, who sleep under the blanket of security that active duty soldiers afford, are finally aware of the sacrifice of others on their behalf.
Congratulations on this piece and thanks for sharing. I, for one, can completely relate.
jerry
This is an excellent object lesson in how absolutely everything loses something of substance in translation. Whether from English to Madarin Chinese, Russian to English or Anglo-Saxon to modern English, something is invariably lost in the process. In literature, translation generally fails miserably. One may come close to the original thought but rarely does one succeed in imparting the intended meaning.
You are wise beyond your years (I trust this does not offend) in your attitude of establishing a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere in the classroom. In the study of lierature, a confident and adventurous dynamic must be established. In order to properly discuss all the different aspects of literature, young people must feel comfortable in expressing their thoughts and questions w/o fear of embarassment.
I suspect you are "on" to something with your musings on how one's imagination can become less vivid if not down right jaded as one ages. Reality, over a period of time, has a way of eventually wearing one down. The world can be a painful and frightening place. Those whose philosophy is centered on the fleeting pleasures of this earthly existence, in the end, never seem truly happy. It seems IMHO that there is a gnawing emptiness at the core of sentience that craves something...more.
O K. Now I'm simply rambling on about things that have nothing whatsoever to do with your piece. Forgive me. What I meant to say is that this piece, like everything of yours I've read, is brilliantly written. The diction is spot-on. The philosophical lens is revealing, relatable and thought provoking. Your obvious interest in and affection for your students is laudable. They are fortunate.
Vivid and illustrative powers of observation - both real and allegorical.
The observations of the natural world show a keen eye for detail and how nature functions at the macro-level. This is a rare but necessary talent. Your diction serves the reader well. After all, when all is said and done, writing comes down to diction - the best possible word. I find yours impecable. The tone and the imagery make for a very fine description and the reader cannot help being drawn into the scene.
The allegorical observations are substantive, fascinating, and transport this piece to another level altogether. It is this level that is most interesting, of course. This is where the writer truly invests her work with a variety of questions of a potentialy profound nature. The questions and suggested answers are not didactive, only implied. They make a statement, but interpretation is up to the reader. It is this subtlety that invests this piece with a genuine tone and an invitation to browse and pick-and-choose. Very Well done.
I must admit, I have a particular intolerance for the third type. Not on any philosophical level, but simply because I must constantly skim them from the surface of my pool. Yes it is petty and childish, but there is no denying it.
I cannot recommend this piece too highly, and wherever it goes in the future I am certain that it will only increase in wonder and significance.
Fascinating "take" on a potentially trite and bland prompt.
I must admit, for the sake of honesty, fantasy is not my favorite genre. Your piece, however, piqued my interest from the start and I found myself strangely disappointed that the ending came so quickly. I seriously wanted more - a statement I do not employ lightly.
The first-person POV lent the necessary immediacy to this narrative. Combined with the pacing of the action and the folksy (though affected) dialect of the elderly man, give this piece a very real sense of the foreign. Along with the reference to the new and unusual measurement of time and the Sun being somehow altered, the futuristic setting is masterfully drawn in a couple of brief sentences. No small feat - that.
I trust you are not finished with this provocative sample. I found the protagonist to be vital and strong. Your descriptive passages filled with effective imagery and well drawn. Descriptive passages can so easily become tedious - not so here. This piece is intelegent, interesting and very well crafted. Well done.
I realize that this review is probably not what a review should be. It's not helpful. It's not insightful. And it certainly is not profound. What it is is positive, supportive and honest. I don't fancy myself much of a reviewer. I am not at all comfortable criticizing the work of others. I am in no position to do so. I've not been very active here for quite a long time, so I've not done much reviewing lately. However, when I was actively reviewing, I still only reviewed pieces I could be positive about. Pointing out the negative, I fear, is not a part of my makeup. This was not a problem while reviewing your piece. Quite simply, I found nothing to be negative about and I sincerely would enjoy reading any addition you might add in the future. Your talent is obvious and I look forward to reviewing more of your stuff. Rest assured, I will be perusing other samples in your Port.
Writing.com will benefit from your membership.
I shall return - soon.
Jerry
ps
Since you are relatively new here you might find the coin-of-the-realm a handy thing to have - for upgrades and such. So, please accept this small token of appreciation for your very obvious talent and as a "welcome" to this magical place. There are some very kind, talented and supportive people here. Search them out and enjoy your new friendships. A good place to start would be Gabriella. She is talented and a very kind and generous lady.
The subject matter is timeless and has been covered countless times, still, your piece is written with such an abiding faith that it has a passionate and spiritual appeal that makes it unique and heartfelt. I'm not a big fan of free-verse, but your piece is an exception.
jerry
ps - should you feel so inclined, I've enclosed my humble attempt at a similar event.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I truly appreciated your "Happy WDC Anniversary" review of my humble offering and I had intended to visit you sooner. However, like your narrator in this touching piece, I fear I also can be a bit of a "screw-up." Anyway, here I am and I couldn't be more pleased to review a piece.
Lately I have been a bit disappointed with some here at WDC. For the past several reviews I've done for members, I received only one acknowlegement and no reciprocal review. Most I simply never hear from. I peruse the recent review request list so I can give someone the feedback they want but, and it seems more and more, that people take it for granted and not only do not reciprocate, but don't even acknowlege one's effort. Not that I'm looking for reviews - I'm not. I've been so lazy that there is nothing new in my port. It's more the principal that bothers me.
Wow. I do ramble.
The purpose of this misive is to tell you how impressed I am with this piece. It is poignant, well written and a joy to read - so positive and affirming. How one makes such a meaningful and entertaining story within the confines of flash-fiction truly amazs me. Flash-fiction intimidates the hell out of me. Lately, it seems writing in general intimidates me. I really NEED to write something new! Some would call it writer's block. I know better. It's really nothing more complicated than laziness. Perhaps I might get off my lazy ass and write something.
Anyway, I truly enjoyed your piece and I am grateful for your recent visit to my humble Port.
I can relate on many points. I reach the significant sixty mark tomorrow.
I also was convinced (still am to some extent) that my Father hated me. It went beyond discipline. He looked at me as if there were something rotten inside of me that only he could see. Fortunately, I had a very loving mother. Together we could handle anything.
Regarding your piece, the observations and insights you offer lend an authenticity to the piece. Younger persons would benefit from reading it. Your knowledge and sagacity have authority. However, (this is the Enlish teacher in me) there are a few grammar and punctuation errors - these are easily remedied. The content carries the piece. The minor stuff is easily fixed.
Thanks for sharing.
jerry
I'll be by soon to visit your Port. I'd like to read more
the sentiments expressed are genuine and it is very important that people recognize the selfless sacrafice.
I am a vetran of a no win situation where the rice paddys ran with the blood of brave and dedicated young men.
Trust me, when I returned to the "world" sentiments such as those expressed in this poignant piece were not the norm.
one was more likely to be subjected to abusive vitriol and being spat upon.
so, thank you for your kind and supportive sentiments.
The form is flawless - consistent, flowing meter, accurate and unforced rhyme scheme, and the content is briliant. You capture the mood of eighteenth century France perfectly. Dickens would be proud (you must have had a really good English teacher)
This truly is a beautifully constructed and meaningful piece. In my humble opinion, it is your best effort yet.
Now, you must post this on some review forums and enter it in any apppropriate contest for the genre. You need to share this in oder to get the much deserving feedback.
This is such a moving and all together successful piece.
It has been a very long time. I trust all is well with you and yours.
This piece, like all of your stuff, has a visceral effect that goes straight to the heart of the reader. To take such a simple thing like a park swing or an anonymous camper singing in the night and then invest those things with the deep mood and nostalgic longing is a masterful stroke of writing. Very nicely done.
I remember when you first joined wdc. Your honesty and sincerety were exemplary of the type of folks I wished to meet here. Your talent was obvious from your very first posting (the singing camper, I think). It was clear to me then that you are a gifted writer and extraordinary young lady. You even managed to tolerate my profane use of dialogue with class.
Much has happened lately that has kept me away from a daily commitment to wdc but I'm hoping to change that. I so badly wanty to write again. I suspect I am too lazy. I sincerely hope to change that.
It is great to "touch base" with some old friends.
Other references to this particular event and point in time are rare. I suspect that all the Vets of this no-win-situation are too far removed and would rather forget it. I know I never thought I' revisit those days, but ended up surprising myself. The "jury" is still out on whether or not it was a good idea.
Your story is honest and raw and I, for one, have a certain appreciation for tales of this topic. To capture the fear and uncertainty is an elusive goal. You manage to pull it off nicely.
Thanks again,Keaton.
Please accept this very small token of appreciation.
Technically, a bit rough but spiritually energized. These are prayerful and sincere - what more can one ask from spiritual poetry?
Now, don't think I'm judging because they technically trip me up. I'm not. I'm not qualified. It's just that I so love meter and rhyme, it's difficult for my ear to deal with a "personal" meter. Obviously, it is what you like and these are beautifully written. I just want to be honest and therefore allow you to have faith in my review - establish credibility so-to-speak.
I enjoyed them very much. I'll be back for the others.
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This piece is very well crafted. The realistic dialogue, the mood of the different scenes, and the seedy tone of the inner-city all combine to create a very entertaining story indeed.
The characters are believable and charming in their own right. The plot moves nicely to a well thought out and satisfying conclusion. If this piece is representative of the quality and entertainment value of your other stuff, I will have an enjoyable time indeed.
I'm a sucker for the private dick genre (having been a police officer for fourteen years) and this piece is a fine example. I enjoyed it very much. I fear I have very little to say in the way of criticism - frankly, I enjoyed it very much and would not presume to offer anything in the way of improvements.
I'll be back - until I've read them all!
jerry
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I'm a sucker for historical - fiction, and this is an intriguing and interesting take on the genre.
The narrator manages to get into the substance of this great mind, a position that is complicated by events and traditional ideas that were considered dangerouse to those responsible for the deposit of faith.
The "voice" is very effective and adds a certain immediacy to the tale.
Very well done.
I'll be back - until I've read them all.
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You used the requisite words so well. They seem natural and not at all forced. The story, as usual, is well written and entertaining. Your seeming ease with flash-fiction is admirable.
The ending, like your other endings is perfect. For someone so free with money, he learns a valuable lesson regarding people who work for tips. Unfortunately, the world is full of such people. If one has ever worked for tips, one can easily understand.
So, this is in the style of your usual work - well written, well constructed, and presented with a touch of class.
jerry
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