J-
Wow! Your writing never disappoints me. You have such a way with words, J. The imagery, warmth, and honest, gut-level emotion never ceases to amaze me.
Please! Consider writing something creative! With your talent for imagery and character you could easily pull it off. Your essays are fine, don't get me wrong, but I feel that you have so much to say about so many things, and I believe that in a creative piece you could really "let go," and make some subtle but accurate and powerful statements on whatever it is you would like to say. I long to see your magic with words cut loose in a creative piece with characters of your own design, beautiful and effective imagery, and a sense of honesty, I think, rarely found on this or any other site.
Whatever you decide, never doubt your talent, J. It is truly amazing. Truly!
j
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Wow. This is a truly excellent story. The openning with the raindrops as a metaphor was especially intriguing. How many times I have contemplated the animated drops as they follow the law of gravity in such sundry ways.
You bring the track-life vividly to the reader. This really is cosmic, but of the things we two already have in common, I grew up at a racetrack. From the age of ten until I finally retired as track-photographer some thirty years later, I witnessed and experienced the sights and sounds of the backstretch, clubhouse, tack-room and track kitchen. It is just as you paint it. Mine was a standard-bred track, but racetracks are racetracks.
I knew my share of world champion horses and drivers, as well as non-winners of a ham sandwich. From one-thousand claimers to New York State Bred Invitational Trotters, it was such a wonderful and educational part of my young life. It's great to read such a piece as this. I relate to it so easily.
Your characters are marvelous as well. The characterization, the familiar setting and mood, wow! this was a real pleasure to read.
One more bit of irony: my maternal grandmother was from County Cork. Interesting, huh?
Once again, no payment necessary.
jerry
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The promise of being moved is what brought me in. I was. I understand.
This piece, however, would improve greatly if you would go back and fix the spelling and punctuation errors. I know you want it to be as powerful as you can make it, and missing commas and misspellings take away from that power. Take another look and make it more powerful, kick the reader right in the teeth. Ellicit the response you intended with this passionate and personal piece.
Wow! Visiting your portfolio is very much like a treasure hunt. So far, I have found a gem or a rare coin on every visit.
This is a beautifully written piece. The details, hidden here and there within the almost palpable texture, jump up and grab the reader, at once informing and utterly charming. The metaphor of apples, cinnamon, sugar and warm pastry works well with marriage, on a visceral level. The two appeal to the senses and suggest warmth and comfort. The recipe that is marriage is simple. Not easy - simple. As you so astutely observed, "...but mostly we have loved..."
Very well done.
One day, you will be streaking across the night-sky of WDC.
jerry
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Excellent. Thought provoking, informative (especially the saber-tooth tigers and tuna), and funny. I think humor is one of the most effective weapons (Kinda scary metaphor here) in arguing absurdity, or just about anything for that matter.
This piece is offered in a light-hearted, toungue-in-cheek manner, yet it remains honest and straight-forward (in a circuitous sort of way). (That's gotta be some kind of falacy, don't you think?) Anyway, this is a pleasure to read and very well thought out.
Well done, Eric.
jerry
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Very nicely done. The analogy works wonderfully. You manage to imbue a junkyard with 'soul,' figuratively and literally. The feeling of reverence and awe exhibited by the narrator is palpable. Expressing one's appreciation of what otherwise seems ugly and an eyesore is no easy task. You manage to pull it off nicely, and with a touch of class.
jerry
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Another beautifully written piece. It is poignant and honest and child-like, all at once. You're writing reads like poetry. Your attention to detail and how those details relate to your story is very well crafted.
I especially liked the 'cocoon' reference at the end. It fit the subject perfectly. It borders on brilliance.
jerry
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The listing of all of these images, persons, geographical locations works, very nicely. It reminds me of a story: "Girl." I don't recall who wrote it, but the approach was much like yours. It is a very effective way to explain where one is from or what one is.
You do this particularly well. It is almost poetic in the reading. The images, the persons, all of it ties together well and provides a wonderful collage of life. It is extraordinarily well written. Nicely done.
jerry
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Very nice. Simple, heartfelt and technically challenging.
One suggestion, and you can take it or leave it, but I think this would 'sound' better if you maintain your chosen scheme of iambic tetrameter.
In lines 1, 2, 4, 7 & 8 you maintain it nicely and it works. Now, line 5 is a radical deviation from meter, but it works wonderfully! It is, in my humble opinion, the most powerful line. So, keep it, but consider changing lines 3 & 5 to fit the iambic tetrameter. Perhaps something like this:
My father,(he)just went away.
(And) every night to God I'd pray.
These are simple changes, but I think by maintaining the iambic tetrameter in all but the pivotal line (5) it invests the entire poem with more power and authority. To say nothing of how much better it might sound. And, after all, the 'sound' of poetry is paramount, is it not?
Just some simple suggestions. You make the 'call.' You're quite good at iambic meter. It is the best way to express the English language and you seem to do it with ease. Keep that!
jerry
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Excellent! Reasonable, insightful, intelligent. Three pretty impressive qualities. Of course, because of these it will rarely reach the hate filled heart for which it is intended, but that does not in any way diminish your very powerful and logical message.
If only more would speak out as you do. I fear, political correctness is going to destroy our culture. Everyone is so afraid of appearing insensitive, that they refuse to call 'a-spade-a-spade.'
Thank you for this. I've made a hardcopy to share with others. I trust you don't mind.
jerry
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So many things to consider. Beauty is literally everywhere.
My fav. "The coal mine might be ugly...the diamond is not." Excellent. A perfect example of a priceless beauty found among dirt and dust. Only God could come up with such a process as that of a diamond being made. You tell it very well.
Well structured and very thought provoking. Finding beauty in ugliness is what poetry is all about.
Thanks.
jerry
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You used the prompt wondefully and made it seem that the story came first and then the prompt.
I admit, flash-fiction intimidates the hell out of me. You handle it beautifully. The writing is excellent. The organization is skillful and the story is poignant and 'real.'
My complimenst. You make me want to try this genre (flash-fiction). I see, by your example, how a well handled idea can be brought to 'life' by a skilled writer.
Sound presumptuous? Yeah, I guess it does. But I really would like to try it. Whether or not I am skillful remains to be seen.
Thanks for sharing. Your port looks fascinating. I'll be back!
jerry
This prayer sums up all that Christ did for us. It is beautifully written and well thought out.
Was it intentional that the first three stanzas have no discernable rhyme scheme, while the final three stanzas are comprised of rhyming couplets? I suspect it may have been.
What it accomplishes structurally is that it shows a change in the narrator. A change that occurs during the journey through the piece. A change from a disjointed and clumsy structure to a structure that flows beautifully to the end.
Perhaps it's me, but I like it. It would be equally nice to have all of it rhyme, but this abrupt break makes for a perfectly vague movement and, I think, adds a new dimension to the piece.
Very nice elaboration on the definition of "faith." You're right, of course, the dictionary definition is limited and impersonal. I like yours much better.
"No matter how hard life gets..." Yup. Faith will do that. In fact, to take it one step further, faith in Christ (I understand there are those whose faith is in a different place, but for my purposes) means expecting life to be hard. Embracing suffering and joining it with the ultimate suffering offered on Calvary.
"Take up your cross and follow me." These are hard words for the 'world' to accept. Even harder: "Love your enemies." Wow! That's radical and different and seems impossible. It is impossible! It's impossible for us to do on our own. We need the Grace of God. We need Faith! With "it," nothing is impossible.
Thank you very much for sharing your definition.
jerry
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Nice. A poem about telling stories. It's cute and childlike in its approach -as it should be. The voice of the narrator fits the mood perfectly. The child-like attitude and longing for something - for a 'piece' of his/her mom to hold on to.
It's nice the way we hold on to people through stories. It's really what W.com is all about. People leaving little bits of themselves here and there for other to grasp, digest and ultimately know.
Nicely done. Keep writing.
jerry
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The title, "Dwelling" fits perfectly. The reader immediately asks: What kind of dwelling? For whom? Will I feel comfortable there? All of these questions are answered by the poet in a fluid and vivid manner.
Graceful clouds, pressures erased, dreams fulfilled. It is a peaceful dwelling of comfort and joy.
It is a dwelling for the eagle, the trees and grass, the mountains and valleys. It is a dwelling for the birds as they sing their praises, it is a dwelling for the reader as she/he basks in the attitude of peace and tranquility.
It is a dwelling for The Creator, omnipresent, the giver of Grace. It is a fortress built by His power and in His glory.
It is a secret place, in that it abides within the God-head where everyone's 'secret' name, known only by them and God, can be found.
It is beautiful.
jerry
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Nicely done. The imagery works wonderfully:
Cathedral of oaks, pillars of pine, vines...arms folded in prayer (my fav.).
The voice and mood blend well with the imagery and structure. You bring it all together as in a prayer. Though praying to trees would, on the face of it, seem absurd. I suspect it is not the trees you honor, so much as their maker.
Wonderful! Nicely chosen rhyme and refrain. It fits the mood perfectly: light, lyrical, 'folly.' The seven/seven meter also lends to the mood - almost a nursery rhyme meter - I mean in a good way, because of the subject matter it works very well.
Very nicely done. Thanks for sharing. Reading your 'stuff' helps me in so many ways and I'm glad you're here. You offer me a kind of guage against which I can measure. Not to compare in quality - I don't mean that at all. More of a goal - something to strive for.
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The seven/seven meter also lends to the mood - almost a nursery rhyme meter - I mean in a good way, because of the subject matter it works very well.