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Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
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Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
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Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
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201
201
for entry "Chapter Eight" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: In this chapter Nathalya's condition has improved vastly and she's feeling more like herself. Estelle is polite and helpful compared to everyone else we've been introduced to so far, and she even seems to feel sorry for Nathalya's position. According to her, though, there are other people that can pilot the titan.

She - Nathalya - is put into a dress later and taken to Lord Tesson, who is going to escort her to the Hollin mountains. He wants to make sure she's on site when they uncover the titan, and perhaps keep her away from her friends. My thoughts at this moment were somewhat like: Okay. They better rescue her soon, or end up with a very complicated situation on their hands.

I think it's pretty cool how they rescue Nathalya, though. Very unorthodox with Trinity Wells running up there and announcing that the Alliance was coming to rescue Nathalya. Then springing that one on him. I didn't expect them to execute the rescue quite like that.

They escape from there with minor trouble and are all reunited later. Trinity was shot in the arm, though not badly, and Errol arranged their escape. I wish I could add 'to perfection' but that's stretching it somewhat. It does work.

Also, Errol has a soft spot for Nathalya, and she seems to at least appreciate him, though just how she feels isn't entirely unclear.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Hmmm... I liked the way the escape began, and the fact that Nathalya doesn't like dresses. I don't either. These random little quirks about her personality help make her who she is, and avoids cluttering up your entire story. There's also that detail about their escape, when they leave the city in the back of that dusty truck with all that ancient furniture. Again, not quite what I expected.


*Moon* Suggestions: Feels somewhat choppy right at the get go of this chapter. I'm sure you knew exactly where you wanted this to go, but had to get to it first and thus hurried up more than was probably prudent. This happens to me all the time and I constantly need to remind myself that 'what's happening now is JUST as important as that awesome scene you're trying to get to, so slow down!' and it only sometimes works though.

I feel like there's something missing here when they're stowed away into that hiding place. Before they're in the truck. I don't really get the impression of a high tension situation. They don't seem terribly anxious about anything, really, and it detracts from the mood.

That being said, I think the rescue itself - though conducted with precision - was quite a lot lower key than I expected. It did happen in a fascinating manner, but seemed to skip a bit. It might be just me, but you might want to look it over just to be sure.

Nathalya, still somewhat nauseous, awoke in the middle of the night feeling much better than she had.

Maybe: Faint waves of nausea lingered in Nathalya's stomach when she awoke some time that night, although she felt much better than before.

Noticing that Nathalya was sitting up, she made her way beside her bed.

Feels clumsy, so a suggestion might be: The doctor caught Nathalya's eye as she turned and made her way over to the bedside. But honestly I think you can do better than that.

asked the doctor, placing a hand on Nathalya's forehead.

Or: asked the doctor as she placed a hand on... You get the idea.

The expression on Estelle's face changed instantly. She looked somewhat surprised and yet heartbroken at the same time.

I wish I had a better idea what this looked like. Her face could cloud, her eyebrows shoot up (or slant down). Her eyes could acquire a suspicious shine, or her jaw set with annoyance... anything.

DeVega, though a little caught off guard, closed the shower curtain to protect her modesty.

'A little' are a weak pair of words that should be avoided if possible.

asked Nathalya as she scrubbed her skin clean.

Which is all right, except...

she asked, scrubbing her hair clean.

One of these should be changed.

Suddenly, they felt the truck come to a slow stop, and then, voices from outside.

I'm not even sure who has the perspective here, but it seems to fling between them somewhat. That's not a bad thing (it's just the '-ly' ending I'm not fond of). The truck could grind to a stop or something.

It wasn't particularly hot that morning, but Nathalya found herself wiping a bead of sweat from her brow.

Another '-ly' ending going on here.

Just then, something happened that lightened his spirits somewhat...Nathalya turned and waved goodbye with a smile.

I don't really like how this is coming across... maybe something more like: But his spirits lifted somewhat when Nathalya turned and waved goodbye with a smile.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not as exciting as the chapter before it, nor quite so eloquent I suppose, but not a bad one nonetheless. I'm curious about what they're going to do when they get back in touch with the Alliance. If they manage that without being seen by someone hostile first. And I wonder if Errol and his uncle will get away with helping them out like that. A lot of curiosities going on - so you've got an interesting chapter, in the very least.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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202
202
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there! I'm Tam, and I saw your item on the Review Please page. I note that you want DEEPLY DETAILED reviews, and although this is kind of daunting I will do my best. A note to remember is that I'm the sort that is in between, neutral, in opinions. That means I won't hate it, but I won't absolutely adore it either *Wink*

*Star* First Impressions: A family is dealing with the steady decline of a loved one - a grandfather - and they each take it a different way. The main character feels a bit cool and detached, even downright nasty in the beginning when he treats his aunt the way he does. For that moment I very nearly disliked him, and I at least wrinkled my nose with disgust.

As the story progresses new characters - the mother and the nurse - are introduced. The mother is the controlling sort of person with little strength of her own otherwise. She's not malicious, but she sort of thrives off other people's misfortunes. The main character both pities and resents this now, and I can kind of understand this.

The grandmother doesn't want to lose her husband with fierce passion and won't believe the 'nonsense' the nurse is spouting. She seems to accept the main character's convincing argument that the grandfather is just suffering, and death would be kinder. But there's something very odd about her acceptance, and the main character is so frazzled he doesn't see it.

When he tells his mother, she also refuses to believe it because the situation is suddenly out of her control. This is when a gunshot echoes from the bedroom. Two of them. I'm going to assume one was for the grandfather, and the other for his distraught wife.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Mood. It's so intensely dark and foreboding because this event is coming, and no one can do anything to stop it. This feeling lingers beneath everything that happens in here, and is the focal point of the entire story. The dialogue is pretty good as well, because the characters sound realistic enough. It doesn't sound forced.


*Moon* Suggestions: Your first two paragraphs carry a nearly redundant and description heavy feel - or at least they do to me. In some places I also felt as if the direness were pushed to the backburner in favour of bringing up some random topic, such as reintroducing some other character to the scene. I wasn't sure what the point was, and this character disappeared afterwards.

A slight nitpick - or maybe not so slight, call it an opinion - was that after the initial introduction of the dying grandfather, he seemed to fade out into what - to me - seemed more like an object to focus your characters' grief and conflicts upon.

I would rather appreciate at least one flashback of a happy time, perhaps. Or at least a vague memory of this guy smiling or something. You could give the reader something to feel sorrowful about so they can relate to the characters you have written out on the page.

It was dim and dank, reminding me of a crypt.

A suggestion: The frail lighting and heavy air must be how a crypt feels inside.

His breathing echoed through the silence, quick and raspy.

Or: His quick and raspy breathing echoed through the silence.

I was thankful it came out strong and forceful because my fear and grief was immobilizing me.

Were*, I think.

I felt instant guilty for this regret

Maybe: A stab of guilt followed this regret

“He gets hot”

Shouldn't there be punctuation at the end of this?

A stethoscope was hanging around her neck.

To omit the was you might be able to write: A stethoscope hung around her neck like a fanciful ornament.

There was nothing to take care of in the living

You missed the period at the end of this, and I think something else... like the actual end of the sentence. I'm not even sure though.

She sighed, dabbing at her eyes with tissue, nodding her head,

There aren't too many things you can nod, so I don't think you need to mention that it's her head.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I don't have much personal experience with grief myself, I confess. My grandparents on my mother's side passed away some time ago, and what I remember of it was - I might have been three years old or so - my mother crying next to my bed as she tucked me in. I asked her why she was crying and thought it was my fault. I patted her cheek some, too. She told me it wasn't me, and I just didn't understand. This is all I remember.

On the whole I think you've done a good job on bringing such a thing into focus, how all these characters interacted and bore their grief. In the grandmother's case, she could not bear it and preempted both his death and her own. Very tragic.

I hope you find this helpful.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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203
203
for entry "Chapter Seven" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Ooh, things are getting very interesting about now. Wells' impulsive need to protect Nathalya leads her to divulge her real identity to Errol, their helper, and even to the innkeeper they're staying under. I would say 'small world' since he's the uncle of Errol, but that doesn't seem quite appropriate. Small city, then?

Errol is the man that sympathized with Nathalya on the way over, and if I recall correctly showed her how to use a bow. He's so disgusted by what's going on that he can't in clear conscience stay in the army. Because of this he's planning on helping Wells and DeVega in their plan to help Nathalya escape.

Matters get complicated after that. DeVega decides to go back to the inn right away, but Wells decides to wander for a time and drink in the sights. Because of this she's not present when they capture DeVega, and only finds out on her way back.

This part is exciting, and I think your descriptions were really shaping up here because I didn't notice so many things that could use polishing. Wells is like a ghost herself - possibly from watching through Nathalya's eyes for so long - and snipes many of the soldiers without any trouble. The last one is taken out by the innkeeper, although I confess that I was confused as to who he was for a split second after his rescue. I didn't catch his name all that often so it hadn't quite stuck yet.

I'm sure you intended the reader to think - just for a moment - that Errol had betrayed them. I did think so. The whole chapter was very... thrilling and suspenseful.

From here they flee, and news of Nathalya taking ill reaches them. This is their best chance at rescuing her.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like that fighting rescue scene best. You must have given it some thought before hand, because it came off quite nicely. The mood went from tense, to relaxed, and back to tense. Even at the conclusion of the chapter that tension is still there, and the anxiety is intriguing. I'm curious, and since this is their 'best shot' at rescuing Nathalya it's going to happen really soon.


*Moon* Suggestions: In some places I feel like you were a victim of skimming. Most of those places that you just jumped to a different moment were necessary, but there were areas which lacked a bit of descriptive help. I wish I'd seen just what Wells did to those soldiers in a few cases, or at least the reaction of nearby people. I felt like - for a moment - they were cut off from the world. Or is people being arrested a normal happenstance in their city?

a young man with blond hair and glasses walked by and approached the bar. DeVega nodded at Wells and motioned towards the young man. When he had gotten his drink, the man turned and saw DeVega. He smiled and then walked towards their table.

You might be able to replace one of those with 'strode' or 'sauntered' to take away the redundancy of the moment.

"Is this seat taken, my friend?" he asked, pulling out one of the wooden chairs.

"Not at all, friend.

I don't know why this was a bit distracting, but I can't think of another word to replace it. Hm.

She road the trolley several times, which skipped passed the fourth and fifth tiers passed eight in the evening.

Rode*

Feeling uncomfortable, she stood up and discarded the rest of her treat, then walked to the end of the street.

Maybe 'Discomfort worked its way up her back' or something, and omitting the 'up'. Most of the time you shouldn't have say 'stand up' or 'sit down'. The two are kind of obvious as they are and it'll make your writing look neater.

Making for the sign, she then noticed several dark figures standing outside of the tavern.

Or: When she made for the sign (if you prefer: as she made for the sign), she noticed several dark figures clustered around the outside of the tavern.


*Butterflyb* Overall: The tension rides really high in this chapter, and a lot of plans are made and interrupted. Nothing they've done so far has turned out exactly the way they wanted it to, and that makes the whole thing that much more interesting. Wells interruption gave me that 'oh noooo... I don't wanna look!' feeling. That happens sometimes in books, though rarely. For you to have captured it is a great thing and I think you ought to be proud. I really liked this chapter, in case you couldn't tell.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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204
204
for entry "Chapter Six" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter goes back to Nathalya, who is in prison and is told some very unsettling things about herself, and what they intend to do with her. It seems she is to be a sort of sacrifice to this giant Orion thing (which, although is not entirely clear as to what it is, sounds very deadly), and they haven't yet found it. That gives some time for a rescue to follow through.

Since not a whole lot happens other than the revelations given through her visitor (who leaves after the first part), I'd say it's a tame, discovering sort of chapter. The reader finds out more about Nathalya's past, and just what kind of... person she is? What kind of cross blood might be more accurate, but it sounds really wrong. I'm also getting the impression she's some kind of princess, though I don't really like using that term either.

He leaves her in there with the warning that she'll change her mind one way or another about this whole sacrificial thing and leaves. He doesn't return for the rest of the chapter.

Nearer the end Nathalya falls very ill, and has been in prison for more than two weeks. It felt like months to me for some reason.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Okay, so the history was really interesting. I also liked the vague reference to Nathalya's past, and how she's reflecting on how curious it is that all those events eventually led her into the prison she is currently stuck in. I get the feeling she wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out Wells and DeVega are trying to find out where she is so they can rescue her. It sure is taking a while though, I hope they didn't run into too much trouble.


*Moon* Suggestions: As I've said, this chapter makes it feel like much more time has passed than it did. That's both good and bad, but as long as Nathalya recognizes that more time has passed than she thought... I suppose it's all right.

Also, I note that near the end of this chapter there's a slight perspective change in which the nurse Estelle gets a moment from her eyes. This is just a bit confusing. I'm sure some people have done this and gotten away with it, but I personally find it distracting.

Somewhere deep in Corrin City, Nathalya found herself locked, weaponless, in a small room with nothing but a candle for light and a thin mattress and blanket.

I'm not sure this is quite how to say it, considering she only just woke up. I think she's going to be more interested in the little room before the location of the little room. But that's just my opinion.

He stood and paced as he recounted his story.

I'm under the impression that it's impossible to pace whilst sitting down, so you should be able to omit that.

"Not much, only what little my mother has told me," she replied.

For streamlining this, she could say: "Only what little my mother told me,"

"Do you have anything stronger than water? I'm having troubling taking all of this in," Nathalya asked.

I think this could be broken up like so: "Do you have anything stronger than water?" Nathalya asked. "I'm having trouble taking all of this in."

Nathalya spent most of her time as a prisoner sleeping or pacing in circles in her small room.

I don't think that's necessary.

She could do little more than push-ups or sit-ups, but she knew that staying active would help to pass the time. If not for the device in her wrist, Nathalya would have lost all sense of time.

Two 'time' endings on sentences feels redundant.

For a while, she maintained a calendar by scratching lines into the stone walls, and by her reckoning she had just passed into the eighth day of captivity.

When I read the first three words I thought 'Oh my, a lot of time must have passed', and my mind pictured it like a year later. Then I got to the end of the sentence and had to sigh. You might want to downplay how long this sounds like.

The more she dwell on the mysterious package, the more she wished she had opened it.

Dwelt*

If not for this, Nathalya doubted she would have lasted for as long as she has.

Had*

Getting to her feet, she walked over to a small basin of water sitting on the floor and filled a wooden ladle.

Maybe: She got to her feet and walked over to the small basin of water sitting on the floor and filled the wooden ladle.

She awoke feeling hot and covered in a sticky sweat.

Or: She awoke in a hot, sticky sweat. Because the next sentence gives a good idea of how she's covered in it.

Kneeling beside her, one of the guards placed a bare hand across her forehead and a grim look came across his face.

One of these flat sentences again. Could be something like: One of the guards knelt beside her and placed a bare hand across her forehead. A grim expression replaced the blank one and he gestured to other...


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like these developments. Suddenly there's a time frame that DeVega and Wells (Trinity) have to find Nathalya, and since she's ill (Nathalya that is) it could complicate everything. Oh, the frustrating and anxious 'what is going to happen next' kind of endings. Those are great if they're not overused. I'm really curious how Nathalya is going to get out of this, and if that ring her father gave her is of any significance.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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205
205
for entry "Chapter Five" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Wells is immediately made aware of Nathalya's capture and prompts DeVega to do something about it. When she's told they'll have to think carefully about the situation before they proceed, she is annoyed and threatens to go off and rescue her while he lazes around. He also explains his outburst earlier, though I'm not all that sure it needed explanation.

In the midst of all this the ceasefire is broken by the enemy. Wells is startled and confused, but DeVega knows just what is going on. It's nice to have someone around like that.

Together Wells and DeVega go to the city, and try their best to blend in. Of course their innkeeper seems to suspect something is off about them - maybe their accents or somesuch - and allows them to stay anyway. I'm curious as to what will happen, because I must admit this isn't quite the way I expected this to go. Wells is also more deadly than I expected her to be by how she talked earlier, and she even reveals some interesting backstory.

Now they're just settling down and preparing their next move. Eavesdropping for information.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Mainly I like how this chapter is so vastly different than the ones before it, because now they're off to rescue Nathalya instead. I don't know how they'll ever manage that, but if they do I'm very curious to find out about it. Wells is staying in character despite being a good sniper, and I guess I didn't expect her to be capable of such beforehand. Now I could believe it.

Oh, I also liked that make believe story they gave to the guard. That was... pretty good.


*Moon* Suggestions: I do have a slight problem with Wells and DeVega being able to purchase clothes without any apparent difficulty. Do the Corrinites use the same currency and system as the Alliance do? If so, you might want to at least make mention of it so that your future readers don't think there's a plot hole somewhere. That could be a bad, bad thing later on.

Just to say that I'm also really surprised how fast they actually reached their destination. They were that close? It's... only a bit hard to swallow. They didn't even take a shortcut.

Back at the Juliette base camp, Wells sat at her laptop in disbelief.

Should it be 'stared' instead?

Before she could leave the Sergeant, there came a blast of sirens around the camp. Wells looked panicked and confused at DeVega.

Hm... something about this sentence structure bothers me. Maybe it could be: Before she could leave the Sergeant, a blast of sirens bellowed through the camp. Wells' heart skipped a beat and she cast a terrified glance at DeVega. But even then...

Wells hid behind a barrier, clutching her pistol tightly, when a strong hand reached down and clasped her arm. She pulled away, but then looked into the face of Sergeant DeVega.

Or, perhaps: Wells hid behind a barrier and clutched her pistol so tight her knuckles turned white. Strong fingers curled over her arm and she started to jerk away when she realized her assailant was just Sergeant DeVega. I'm sure you can do better than that if you give it some thought, though.

DeVega and Wells quickly jumped back behind the gate

I think the 'quickly' can be done without.

It was Wells, however, that would make the next move. Her adrenaline was running wild and when the firing halted, she broke cover and fired three deadly shots.

Instead you could say: It was Wells, however, that made the next move. Her adrenaline ran wild and when the firing halted, she broke cover and fired three deadly shots.

Sergeant DeVega looked around and behind them from the direction of the defeated Juliette compound.

From could be 'in' instead. Would sound smoother.

following the tracks of the horses that Nathalya and her captors had taken.

I'm not sure why this sounds odd, might bear some looking into.

said Wells, looking around and seeing that everyone was dressed in brightly colored clothing and seemed to be moving with purpose.

Maybe: said Wells after a quick glance about. Everyone seemed to be dressed in bright colored clothing and moved with distinct purpose.

"And if you have trouble following you, I only ask that you give me a heads up before it gets here."

Maybe 'there is' or 'there's' to make it clearer. I initially read it as 'and if you have trouble following yourself' instead of what it really meant. Which was dumb, maybe, but you might still be interested in making it crystalline as to meaning.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This chapter has some interesting things going on it, and the description of the city is also quite intriguing. Seems the enemy has a larger population, and as of yet they seem pretty ordinary. Just going about their business and through the motions of everyday life. I side with Wells' surprise. Now if only they had a sure fire way of locating Nathalya. I hope these two don't get into too much trouble, but the way things are... it doesn't seem like they'll be able to avoid it for long.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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206
206
for entry "Chapter Four" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Sorry this took so long. Been rather tied up these past few days, and no doubt will be again. You know these are only my opinions and a few things I've learned by writing myself. Unfortunately I'm not perfect, so take everything with a grain of salt.

*Star* First Impressions: Right at the start I feel like this chapter has better pacing, as if you've slowed down and settled into a more comfortable rhythm for both you and the reader.

The story does pick up some startling speed nearer to the end of the chapter, and she agreed to go with the enemy to hear what they have to say about this mysterious... reason they have. I'm very curious as to which side is in the 'right', but that doesn't seem like a major issue right now.

Nathalya is first treated as a guest, even a friend, until the lieutenant snaps everyone back to reality with some very harsh treatment of her. She is taken by surprise, bound up, and all but dragged the rest of the way. This seems mildly unnecessary as of now because they were very trustworthy before. So was she. It's hard to understand just why this was necessary.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the mention of Nathalya's powers, and the fact that she's suddenly not the only one with them. That makes her seem less invincible than before, and therefore can allow the reader to get more attached to her. You want to be able to feel some anxiety about a character's well being, otherwise things get boring. I also think you did a good job on hinting at the lieutenant's 'betrayal'.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although the pacing is very nice in the beginning of the chapter, it speeds up very quickly. It almost feels like there's a little something missing somewhere in here. I'm also - as I said earlier - under the impression that this lieutenant will need to display a stronger reason for binding her up. Unless you fling one in next chapter, of course.

Maybe you could add some thoughts on how Nathalya reached the conclusion to go with these enemy soldiers. I'm not sure how she arrived at the thought, and I wish I did know.

I'm not sure I'm so strongly in favor of Nathalya's impassiveness towards the sudden reverse in her position. To explain it you could say she's dazed, or at least indicate it more than it is. Would make her reaction somewhat more believable, I think.

One question, though: In the beginning of the chapter, if their gunfire could not harm these invading creatures why are they wasting ammo on them at all?

Nathalya awoke to the sound of gunfire early the next morning.

Maybe the 'rattle' of gunfire, or the 'shriek' of it... or something with more impact?

Nathalya left them and, with a quick jog, made her way to one of the western lookout points.

Maybe: Nathalya left them at a quick jog and made her way to one of the western lookout points.

They were almost fully covered in what looked to be heavy chitin-plate armor and moved with a sort of hunch to them. Their bodies were covered in fur and they wore giant rending claws on both arms.

I'm not a fan of 'almost fully' here, and those two 'covered' words are too close together.

Gunfire, sudden and fierce, echoed over the hilltops.

Or: Sudden, fierce gunfire echoed over the hilltops. To avoid that odd sentence break.

"It is not your place to decide!" shouted DeVega, becoming visibly angry.

I'd like to see his visible anger, personally. Also, less formality on the dialogue might give him more of an angry feel. Here's a suggestion: "It's not your place to decide!" shouted DeVega, his cheeks red with fury.

Another hour passed by and Wells' voice came over the earpiece, sounding cheerful.

Possibly: Another hour passed by and Wells' cheerful voice came over the earpiece.

"Let me see, yeah, I can see about five signatures moving towards your camp. Must be them."

I think this would be better if it were broken up, to give an idea of what Wells is doing. For example: "Let me see," she fell silent for a moment and the soft click of keys filled the span. "Yeah, I can see about five signatures moving towards your camp. Must be them." I don't know if you're using keyboards, but whatever it is could be used to make this sentence hold more impact.

To him, Nathalya, her eyes like an ocean of dark green emeralds, seemed like a daughter of the kings of old. He found her very beautiful and mystifying.

This sentence feels like a point of view shift, and has some confusion going on when her name is mentioned. It is your choice whether or not you keep it, or change it.

The Lieutenant kicked her weapon aside and knelt beside her to remove her earpiece. He stood and towered over her.

Perhaps: When he stood he towered over her.

His eyes returned and he seemed to diminish, the light coming back to the area.

I know what you meant with this, but it comes across very oddly somehow.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So this chapter isn't - again - quite what I expected. I mean that in a good way, though. You're not dragging anything out really, and getting straight to the point. I'm not yet sure what Nathalya's heritage has to do with anything, but I'm guessing she'll soon find out. Also, this person she's supposed to meet up with... I'm curious about this guy as well.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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207
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi, I'm Tam and I randomly clicked your item to give you some feedback. I hope to be helpful, but if you don't agree with something feel free to discard it.

*Star* First Impressions: Michelle has moved from the city to the countryside and is just trying to go about her daily life. But her unusual neighbors don't want to give her the time of day. She's never alone, and she knows far more about them than she could ever care to.

It kind of reminds me, in a way, when I was living briefly in the city with my family. I wasn't thrilled of it, as I recall, because there were too many people and I always felt watched. This is almost like the inverse, and it strikes me as amusing somehow as I read it. But that's the why for me.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think you've done a really nice job of introducing these characters without being boring or info dumping. Each of them come fully equipped with some dominant personality trait that Michelle can't help but notice. And I like her plastic smile.


*Moon* Suggestions: I don't really feel like this is complete because it just cuts off suddenly, and that's startling - if not a bit disappointing. I'm not saying it has to continue, but I just wish it had come to a more definite conclusion. Michelle seems willing to put up with her eccentric neighbors, but is she going to be comfortable there forever?

or the man who wore sunglasses even when clouds hid the sun or had set.

I know what you meant by this, but it almost sounds as if the clouds are the things setting, not the sun. That's really the only tick I have with this.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Cute little story about this person's neighbors and how unusual they all are. All in a short story you managed to capture a whole group of people into a category, and in such a way as that I can sort of picture them as a whole. Unusual, and very friendly. Also, Walt's eyebrows... heehee. It was funny, I assure you.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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208
208
for entry "Chapter Three" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: As before, there's a lot going on in this chapter. I feel that the story is finally starting to take some real footing, but it's not quite stable yet. Nathalya also gets her first assignment to a battlefield, and it - in my mind's eye - is very chaotic.

Nathalya and Wells are somehow linked with a headset device thing throughout the battle. This is not deeply impressed upon so I only have a vague idea how it works. It's interesting, though.

Their attack is planned, but backfires when an ambush assaults them with flaming arrows and such the like. Their war machine is also introduced, but passed off as faulty. It makes me think of a giant mechanoid soldier like... ah, well. This thing needs some fine tuning, but something tells me it's going to play a very vital role in the story later on.

Also, a fantasy element is introduced about Nathalya's personal abilities, in that she can disappear for a few moments. I wish this had been hinted at earlier, because it comes across very suddenly. Almost jarringly, in fact. Even if you want it to be a surprise, make sure it isn't one that's right out of left field.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I liked the link between Wells and Nathalya in the battle. It gave it another dimension without being oppressive to the actual theme of the fight. Nathalya having some unusual ability is also an interesting touch, and I actually enjoyed the story told to her by DeVega because it adds something. I could see that scene better.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'd say near the end of the battle there's a sharp sense of extreme confusion going on there. It doesn't quite link up in my imagination how she got from point A to point B. This could be drawn out more so the reader understands, and it wouldn't make for a bad transition.

The pacing of the story, for the rest of it, remains fairly consistent. Fast-paced, and with little thrown in on the side. This keeps the story moving, but it also gives little idea of what they do other than their combat duties.

That will come this evening, so make sure you are read.

Ready*

Sitting together, nibbling on biscuits, Nathalya and Wells spoke little.

Maybe: Nathalya and Wells sat together and nibbled on biscuits, but spoke little.

"Right," nodded the two.

I don't know why, but writing it this way kind of gives me the impression that 'nodded' is being taken as a dialogue tag. Maybe you should write 'they agreed with a nod', or something.

The room stood as two men, one clearly battle-worn and the other, a young man carrying a laptop, entered from the front.

I want to see how this guy is battle-worn. Scars on his face? Deep tan and dusky looking? Stern glint in his eye? Just give the reader an idea.

Avenger zero one will lead a bombing run parallel to the main trench, here.

I'm only going to point this out once, but I think if you're doing ongoing dialogue the first line in the next sentence should have a tag by it. Not the end, though, just the beginning of the next paragraph. Then when he's done talking, cap it off with one of these ". Though I personally have rarely - if never - done lengthy dialogue like that, I have seen it in books before.

It was cold and dark.

Wow, this description came way outta nowhere. I think you could slip this sort of description earlier on (and eliminate that was while you're at it).

"Loud and clear, Wells, how me?" replied Nathalya.

I think 'about' was somehow banished from this sentence.

Suddenly, Nathalya felt her stomach drop as the aircraft took off.

Maybe: The entire aircraft jerked underneath her feet and her stomach dropped to her boots as it lunged into the air. Or something.

It was eerily quiet as the soldiers took their places.

Or: An eerie silence hovered over the land as the soldiers rushed to their places.

The sound was deafening and could be heard for miles around.

Maybe just echoed would suffice.

Still it was eerily quiet and a strange contrast to the booming sound of the bombs that had been dropped.

That feels a bit repetetive there because the eerie silence was mentioned earlier. And I read 'booming sound of the bombs' as 'bombing sound of the bombs' initially. Maybe the 'bellow' of the bombs would be better?

A loud rushing noise filled the air as one of the arrows hit the mark.

Whooshing noise instead?

Several men were caught in the blaze and were burned or singed by the licking flames, their screams piercing through the air.

Well, we could try more action, so here's a suggestion: Men jerked back with shout as the fire roared before them, but most were not quick enough to escape. Their screams pierced the air as flames licked up their uniforms... Horrible mental image though.

The arrows stopped falling and instead gunfire could be heard as the ambush was revealed.

Hm... maybe: The arrows stopped falling and were replaced by the rattle of gunfire. The ambush part can go anywhere before or after, if you want. It's really up to you.

Debris was already showering Nathalya from the opposite bank and the jet was gone again.

Showered, I think. Sounds more impactful to me.

"I'm glad things have settled down for you, Nat," It is a war zone up here in command. The Lieutenant and the Commander are furious,"

What is that thing doing there?

But you have more about you than can guessed.

Something was omitted here.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So there's a lot going on in this chapter. A lot of shrapnel flying, too. I'd say it was pretty awesome, but confusing at times. I know battlefields are supposed to feel that way, however it might bear some looking into just so you know your reader isn't so confused they don't understand what they're reading. For high action scenes, I would suggest keeping your sentences clipped for quick reading, and to the point. The less flowery description the better.

All that being said, I think your story still has a great deal of potential, though I'm not quite sure where you're going to take it. I will see you next chapter.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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209
209
for entry "Chapter Two" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter picks up just before the main character leaves, and acquires the necklace and ring given to her by her father. She waits for her flight alone for a time, until her friends - and father - come to see her off.

When they do so, she's surprised by the fact that Trinity Wells - her friend - has decided to come along as her Technical. I'm not quite sure what that is just yet, but they're going to the surface together despite Wells' previous statement that she'd go AWOL if she were ever assigned to Juliette. Evidently she can't let Nathalya go there by herself, so she's changed her mind.

There is a near teary departure, then they're off for the surface.

This flight goes well at first, though is a bit jarring for the passengers, until something hits their ship with a bang. Nathalya is at first shocked, then reacts quickly and jumps out of the craft with her friend in hand and a parachute on her back. Obviously.

They're on their own for a short time before a vehicle comes by, investigating I assume, and picks them up. They're then ferried to some sort of camp, even if they missed their ride.

In the end they're both given their stuff, and told that no one in Juliette seems to know anything about what to do with a Ghost. So she's assigned somewhere that's kind of awkward, if not impractical for her. She doesn't seem bothered, but accepts it with cool detachment.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I liked the way no one knew what to do with her. Hehe. I can see that becoming very awkward very fast, but they - I suppose - would reassign her to a more appropriate position later on. Also, the stuff they were given sounds interesting. I'm more curious to see this Juliette base they've got set up, and just what exactly they're fighting against.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although in some places there feels like there is too much information, I also get the impression there's too little in others. The idea, then, would be to try to find out what is most important (to the scene and the plot - the age old if it isn't important don't use it kinda thing).

I didn't have a clue that there were other passengers on their flight until Wells specifically mentioned it. Maybe when she's boarding the vessel she can catch a glimpse of those others as they pass her by. Then, earlier rather than later, you might draw more attention to the fact that they're not actually with the other passengers at all. Because of the offhanded it was written, I pictured the other people aboard the flight sitting around like mannequins while all hell broke loose around them.

Nathalya was about to remark on this when...bang! There came a sudden wrenching of metal and a sound of an explosion.

All I can say is... bang? An idea is to make their ship shriek, or jerk in one direction. Stuff like this so you're showing the reader instead of telling them.

She reached beneath her seat and found her bag. She swung it over her back and reached above her head to find her emergency bag containing a single parachute which she strapped onto a screaming Wells.

Short sentences add impact, so for the most part you did pretty good. A tick is: This she swung over her back instead of She swung it over her back Less repetition.

Taking survey, Nathalya saw that they had come down through an opening in the forest canopy. She could see light above, but the forest around her was dark.

Or, for a more descriptive way to say it: Nathalya took a quick glance about and realized they had come down through an opening in the thick forest canopy. Light sparkled from above, but the forest around her remained in perpetual twilight Just a suggestion though.

"Help," he said again, growing weaker.

Instead of telling it, you might say he whispered instead. That'd indicate he was losing his strength.

His injury was considerable and she knew that there was nothing she could do for him.

The only problem I have with this is that I've got no idea what his injury is.

He stretched his arm out and held the envelop up.

Envelope*

They followed the river for a time, until Wells could no longer stand the pain.

For this you could also just make her cry out to stop, then explain. Nathalya can't know what Wells is feeling.

She put a hand on Nathalya's shoulder and was going to speak, but found that her mouth closed before saying anything.

Slight point of view problem here. It's Nathalya's perspective, so you can't step out and say that Wells couldn't open her mouth.

"No, sir," replied Nathalya, saluting quickly then retrieved the envelope from her pocket.

Instead: "No, sir," replied Nathalya with a snappy salute. As she lowered her hand, she retrieved the envelope from her pocket and held it out to him.

said Wells, feeling somewhat rested, though still quite groggy from the pain medication.

Another slight perspective blip.

DeVega and Wells admired her a bit as she stood there.

I'm not sure about 'a bit'. It could be done without.


*Butterflyb* Overall: As before, this chapter has promise, but seems to be a touch rushed in some places. I like the content of it as a story, however. Nathalya is an oddity, and she has a determined - and sometimes sarcastic - friend beside her. The world doesn't feel very big as of yet, though. Maybe if you slowed down and took some time to get the story sorted a touch (even if it would mean another chapter or two) things would feel a bit less shadowy. However if that is the feel you wanted, then you can obviously leave it this way. It's up to you.

Hope this helps, and I'll see you next chapter.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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210
210
for entry "Chapter One" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there! I'm Tam, and I saw your novel up for reviewing on the Review Request page. I love reviewing novels, so I'll try to give you some feedback. Please note that these are my opinions, views... so on. They should be taken with a grain of salt, and what you don't agree with you can just toss aside.

*Star* First Impressions: I note that you want critical reviews, and I'll certainly do my best. This being said, I'm not a huge fan of Sci-Fi, so just remember that.

Nathalya is reassigned to a new post as a Ghost, which is some sort of warrior/lookout or something like that. At first she continues to insist to her friends that she'll be fine, she's got this all in hand, and she even seems kind of eager to get going to her new post.

As the story progresses she starts to feel some anxiety about it and even questions what she and her friend Wells are doing there. It's hard to say, but their reflection gives some more backstory. This transfer isn't a fun matter, and she's got to step up to the task without hesitation and hope she comes back alive.

Before she goes, her father comes in to say goodnight and goodbye to her, and they share some pleasant small talk. Most of which the reader doesn't get to hear, which feels kind of unfair at the time since it felt like hopping through something just to hop through it.

She goes to sleep, and her father leaves.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's some nice stuff going on here. There's immediate plot (she's getting reassigned to some dangerous place, in which her chances of survival seem pretty dubious at this point), and the worry of her friends makes it even more obvious it's a serious situation they're walking into.

I also like this: Constellations shimmered and twinkled in an endless and silent symphony. Because it's such a nice description of space.


*Moon* Suggestions: I feel like you've got a touch of infodumping through the first half of the chapter, which you then exchange for somewhat lacking dialogue where there should be some. Somewhat disjointing, so you might want to look into that.

I know this is a first chapter and I understand that you want to squeeze in as much as possible into it, but I get the distinct impression that there's too much too fast. In the first chapter you want to keep things somewhat streamlined, so if it isn't really necessary either move it, or lose it. I think it'd make it read better. This is - as I must remind you - my opinion and completely up to you, so discard that if you want.

A small nick. Until later on, when it describes Wells in slightly more detail, I thought she was a guy. Weird...

Nathalya felt her stomach rumble. She had been too nervous about the meeting and now that that was finished, the nerves lessened somewhat and she realized how hungry she was. She pushed a strip of hair behind her ear and walked in the direction of the cafeteria. She navigated the many halls of the midsized ship, called Constable, with a familiar step.

I feel like you're telling this, instead of showing it. An idea for improvement could be: Nathalya's stomach rumbled. She had been gripped by nerves about the meeting and now that it passed, they released somewhat and brought back her appetite with force. Not my best example ever, but I think you get the idea. Also, you sure used the word 'she' a lot in here, maybe you should consider rewording some of it.

She sat down at a small square metal table near the back of the hall to eat. After a few moments, two others sat at her table and greeted her.

It very nearly sounds as if two more tables sat by hers instead of people. I don't think it'd hurt to say they were people.

She looked at Jones, who appeared to also know that fact.

Question is, how does anyone 'appear' to know something? Maybe his eyes should be dark with knowledge, or he presses his fingertips together in thought... something to indicate that he KNOWS.

I'll see you guys later?"

Just pointing out a double space between 'I'll' and 'see'.

She stepped through a door that opened automatically as she approached and then closed behind her. The air became colder as she climbed down a flight of steep, grated metal stairs. At the bottom of the stairs she stepped through another doorway, this one was always open.

There's a lot devoted to the door here. Maybe: A door hissed open as she approached, and whined shut after she passed to the other side. For the second part she could just walk through an archway instead of a door. If there's no door, can it be called a doorway?

Looking down, she saw the planet of El'Anorath.

Or, so it doesn't lie so flat: When she looked down she could see the planet of El'Anorath.

She picture the giant war machines,

Pictured*.

She was snapped back to reality when there came a voice over a loudspeaker announcing that non-utilized wings...

Perhaps, to eliminate the was: A voice boomed over the loudspeaker and snapped her back to reality with it's announcement that non-utilized wings...

Nathalya walked down several blocks, eating her apple from earlier,

Wait - where did this apple come from? Maybe you should mention this earlier.

The music was still playing softly, but sounded distant.

Or: Music still played softly, but it sounded distant.

It was made to look as much as the outside on Erath as possible.

Just making sure that you did mean Erath, and not Earth. I'm never sure in Sci-Fi novels.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Looks like this is going to turn into a high action novel, but there hasn't been much of that so far. First she's confident that she can perform the task she's been assigned, then she becomes anxious about it. From what the other's have said, her assignment is no joke. She could be killed, and never come back. Though the way Wells dismisses it kind of takes away from the moment somehow. She could offer a tense smile to downplay it less...

On that note, this isn't so bad for a first draft.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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211
211
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi, this is Tam. I saw your item on the Review Please page and thought I'd stop by and give you some feedback. These are my opinions, so feel free to take what works and discard what doesn't.

*Star* First Impressions: A monk of sorts marveling in the beauty of nature. Just seems to take pleasure in everything around him rather than trivial things. It opens on a line of him doing something with a blue orb, but I have no clue what that has to do with anything in the story so far.

He is interrupted in his musings by a child - a boy - who tells him awful news concerning the nearest bustling town. Apparently it has been burned to the ground.

Following the arrival of the child comes a man, and the boy seems to be forgotten in this span as he talks to the monk. At first I thought he was hostile, considering the way he's introduced, but then he gives off a sense of calm. This was a bit confusing.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The beginning is the best part, I'd say because it gives a good idea of what the monk is and everything without being boring. The news of the destroyed town is also quite... surprising, I suppose.


*Moon* Suggestions: Honestly I thought there was a lot missing from this. Actions, feelings, and maybe even some dialogue so the reader can get to know the characters better. I feel that the monk's decision to break his vows were too hasty, almost as if he were searching for an excuse to do so.

I also got the impression the child was forgotten as soon as the other man entered the scene. This is disconcerting for the reader, and it's enough to make me blink with confusion. I would feel more comfortable if these characters took a moment to 'breathe through the nose' and take things one step at a time.

He focused his thoughts harder as a glowing blue orb took form. The wind blew as the orb expanded and slowly rose. He clapped his hands and the blue orb exploded.

A bit redundant on the orb word. Maybe sphere would help?


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'm sort of curious what will happen, but I don't get a monumental feeling from it. As if it's building up, but way too fast for the reader to become really invested in the story itself. Everyone needs motivation, and the monk's just doesn't feel strong enough. Though, in comparison, the man who visits him does. He's got good reasons to do what he is doing. Just inspire the monk more believably, and this would be a lot better.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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212
212
Review of The Sleeper  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hiya, I'm Tam and I saw your short story on the Review Please page. So I'm here to offer you some feedback. Always remember that these are my opinions, although some of them are things I have learned from my own experience.

*Star* First Impressions: At first I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. This man must come to some conclusion so he and this woman can be freed. My first thoughts are 'from what?' so I'm curious enough to read on and discover what's happening.

In the end, she finds her freedom - and he is... drawn away I guess. It's a satisfying enough conclusion, and you even established what happened this monotonous pacing every night. There are still plenty of questions. I'm of the opinion that short stories are really hard to write. Harder for me than novels are, at any rate, so I think you did an admirable job.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The mysterious air about this whole story is just so nice. I wasn't uncertain in a way that would make me back out: I was curious to find out what was going on. I also like how she seemed so willing to forgive, even if it really wasn't okay that all this happened. She's moving on.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think you explained what happened well enough, it's just why it happened that's got me baffled. I know why he killed himself after he killed her, but why'd he kill her in the first place? It is, of course, up to you if you ever mention that or not. It's just something I noticed while I was reading it.

You used an awful lot of passive voice above. Passive voice is stating your action after the description. This leads to unappealing sentence structures that could put your reader to sleep. We don't want to have to slog through the description of something before we find out what it is. So, on that note, Action before Description. Remember this, and you should be good to go.

There was a slight case of 'who's the main character anyway' in which I got a good glimpse of what was going on inside his head. It was one paragraph, but how in the world does she know what he's feeling - and from his perspective?

and her eye bulged as if about to erupt from their sockets.

Eyes*


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting idea you've got here. The tragic events are already past, and this is the result of them all. It's kind of... not really that moody, as if she's viewing it all in a cold and detached kind of manner. If you know what I mean. Since I think you intended that, it's certainly not a bad thing. I even kind of enjoyed it because it made the whole thing seem less... anger inspired. This way she can give off the sense that she - at least - is at peace.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **

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If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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213
213
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Sorry this took so long, the internet connection has been really bad these past few days with all the blizzards and strong winds. In fact it still is, but at least today it's useable.

*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts out better, I think, than the last one. More active voice and everything, and at least Truman is starting to sound like someone I can root for as a character. It's clear that he didn't think too deeply on just how unlike Lionel he really is, and hopes to cover it up with a woolen hat of some kind.

This seems to work for a time. He gets on all right with the guests - sort of - and tastes a few of the foods available (though mostly the drinks), and is finally called up to the princess' room.

She is pretty, trapped, and unhappy. Also has a habit of swearing, which is very un-princess like. Though the other guests are fooled (kind of) by Truman's 'disguise', the princess certainly isn't. She knows at once that he's not Lionel, and she wants him gone.

Before this can happen, there's a great noise and the castle turns on its side. The princess then blames this on Truman (who is innocent, of course). She's only proved wrong when the real culprit, Rufus, shows his face. This is a kind of comedic area in which the antagonist makes himself look pretty foolish and not very scary. At least until he turns into a... thing. I'm not even sure what it is, but it's bony.

This 'not Rufus' thing, flings Truman out the window. It seems like everything is going in slow motion here, or else the gravity isn't very strong... because he has the time to hear the princess apologizing and wish that he was Lionel. Can I say: sudden much?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: First part of the chapter is best, though the meeting of the princess wasn't too bad. I can see a lot of improvement writing wise, which is always a good thing, and the characters are more... likeable? Some of them are, anyway. And at least the princess isn't a stereotype princess. That's another plus.


*Moon* Suggestions: I feel lack of motivation going on here. I don't want to have to ask myself 'why is any of this even happening?' in the middle of a book. Or chapter. When the antagonist makes his move, I was hard pressed to swallow all that happened. It was too sudden. Too unexpected. Maybe - if you really need to do this - you should approach it at a slower pace and give some hint earlier in the story (like in chapter one, since that's the only 'earlier' chapter there is) to indicate that it's possible. Has been done. Can be done. So on. Otherwise I think it's a dream, and at that point it's hard to turn the page.

The articles called him A hero!

Why is this capslocked?

He spent several hours looking for some sort of attire that would make him look like Lionel.

A bit redundant. Maybe the first one could be 'searching'.

He eventually found a woolen sweater and a knitted cap at the town market. It dangled to his knees, which he hoped would cover up his un-knightly features.

I'm not quite sure which object of attire is dangling to his knees. Is it the sweater or the hat?

There are some odd descriptions thrown in here. What kind of era is it? Earlier I remember reading that someone used a bow and arrows to nail a sylph (I think it was a sylph anyways), so how come there's a mention of guns? Also, why is Rufus described like Santa Claus? If this is a different world, I find it hard to believe that they have Santa Claus as well.

Rufus looked at Princess Eena, and the princess looked back at him, and they both looked utterly confused.

A lot of looking going on here. Sounds a bit redundant.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Judging by the last part, Truman is not in a very good way here. I'm not sure how he'll get out of that mess, but it seems there aren't very many limits as to what can happen in this story. Maybe, instead of the entire castle, he could have just taken out her room or something. Might have been more believeable.

If it weren't for the fact that it looks as though Truman is on his way out, I'd say the story is finally gaining some direction. He's going to have to be the hero he's not, I suppose, and save this princess. Or else she'll save him. Limitless possibilities.

I'm not trying to say that this is a bad chapter, mind you. I just feel that it's execution is too sudden - and this jars the reader. Your writing has improved, and your characters are better. Just you need to focus on the pacing so the readers don't stumble.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Dragons' Vale  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there, I'm Tam. I saw your item on the Review Please page (I think) and stopped by to read and leave feedback. Just remember that these are my opinions, and some things are what I've learned through writing myself. So take what works for you, and leave what doesn't.

*Star* First Impressions: A girl on an aimless 'see the world' mission runs across an unusual bar and diner of some kind when she almost runs out of gas. As the story progresses, it becomes apparent that she's an orphan, hungry, and just graduated from college. She's also an orphan, but she doesn't want any pity from anyone for her lot in life.

Now, the element of the story revolves around her finding out that dragons are real, and her mother is a dragon. So is she, I conclude. However this, until the very last, doesn't seem to be a powerful, driving element of the story. I don't mean this in a bad way, mind you, but it just seemed like an undercurrent in the whole point of the story. The real point - if I might say so - really felt like her getting on her way and seeing the world.

That being said, I did like that plot twist. I just wish you'd built up that moment more, because it was what I waited for the entire story. Lets have some... suspense!


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the casual dialogue going on here. I think it's the best element of the story because each of your characters are so unique. I never once confused them for one another because their mannerisms were so different. That's great, by the way, and the idea is fascinating, too. It really could go on, because now that she's found out that she's a dragon... what is she going to do?


*Moon* Suggestions: As I have said above, the point of the plot (as I'm sure you intended it to be) feels a bit drowned by what is supposed to be the underlying plot. If you understand what I mean. I want to feel more of her indecisiveness when she's got to make a choice - will she or will she not go visit these 'dragons'? Does she have a strong sense of curiosity that she tries to dismiss? Anything?

maybe 10 miles at best.

Numbers below 100 should be written out (in this case it should say 'ten' instead of '10').

Record covers and posters adorned the walls, each containing various dragons, walking around she shook her head.

I think the last part of this sentence needs to be separated from the rest of it. Otherwise you just gave the reader a bit of a 'huh?' moment.

she said siting down at the table. Picking up the burger, she bit in and groaned in appreciation as she wiped the juices off her chin.

Sitting*, and maybe it would be better as something like: she said as she sat at the table. She picked up the burger and sank her teeth into it with a groan of appreciation. Juices dribbled down her chin, and she wiped them off with the back of her hand. (Also an example of showing and not telling).

In several bites, she had finish a quarter of the hamburger before setting it down and smiling back at him.

Finished*. Or the sentence could go something like: She finished a quarter of the hamburger in several bites, and smiled back at him as she set it down on the table.

An important note: Action BEFORE description. This will make your story read at a more engaging pace, and give a better idea of what is going on. Make your character go through the motions to show the reader what is happening. Don't just tell me he/she did it.

Choking on a French fry, Teagan reached for her glass of water and took a sip. “You’re joking?”

Example: Teagan choked on a French fry and reached for her glass of water. She took a swallow of the icy liquid before she tried to speak...

“I’m-

Even if he's interrupted, you still need another one of these " on the other side.

One last note: Try not to use too many 'was', 'had', '-ly', or '-ing' words.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I think this is a good idea, but needs some work in a few areas. That aside, I like your characters, and that plot twist near the end. That was definitely not what I saw coming when I picked this up. I thought she might run into a dragon, but I never expected her to actually be one herself. Kind of awesome.

If you're confused about anything - or want more specifics - don't be afraid to email me and ask for clarification. I don't bite.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi, I'm Tam. I saw your item on the Review Please page, and that's why I'm here to volunteer some feedback on your chapter. It's not in my genre (I'm really more into Fantasy), but I'll do my best. That being said: Some of this will be my opinion, and some of it will be what I've learned through my own writing experience. Take some and leave some.

*Star* First Impressions: At first I wasn't sure what to make of this. A slamming door is a decent way to start on an active note, but there's a bit of a downer in the middle until she gets this mysterious note.

The main character has parents that are just dizzily in love with each other, which is almost creepy. Almost. She's just not that much like them. Kind of comes across as grumpy and huffy, but not like she's doing it on purpose. She feels like she just is that way.

Anyway, she gets the mail and finds a mysterious note in it. She's had lots of trouble from secret admirers (who she rather wishes would stay secret for all eternity, I wager), and she's betting this one is no different. Until she reads the content of it.

At first I thought she'd just throw it away, but she decides instead to give this person a chance and do something nice for a change. Just because she feels like it, I suppose, and her mother keeps pressing her to do nice things. I think you have a very interesting story here, and maybe these letters will change how Hailey herself behaves.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Your concept is intriguing. I like how the person who wrote the note ended up choosing her, and how he's all mysterious and everything. He just wants someone to talk to that'll read what he's writing instead of talking to himself. That feels pretty pointless. Hailey chooses to listen, which is generous of her considering how she acts up until that moment. Your characters - Hailey and her mysterious writer - sound like unique individuals in their own right. That's a good plus, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: I found your chapter started off in a choppy sort of way. It was jostling, and didn't do much to paint its scene. Almost felt like falling down the stairs, but reading. I thought at first a bunch of little kids just entered the house or something, and the story was from the perspective of an older sibling. Still.

There's severe overuse of the word 'giggling'. I will show you what I mean.

*Right*The door slammed downstairs and the sound would have been ominous if not for the giggling that followed.

*Right*Music was playing from the living room iPod dock mixing in the giggling.

*Right*They had moved to the couch where I thankfully couldn’t see them anymore, but I could hear the giggling.

This gets very repetetive. so maybe it's a good idea to find an alternative to that word.

Becoming flyer was as good as putting a kick me sign on my back.

Maybe you should write 'kick me' between 'these'.

I flipped through the envelopes, three from colleges, two for my parents (junk), and one with just my name on it.

I'm not sure why you need to specify that it's junk.

Maybe being popular was hard and I was always under a microscope, but at least I wasn’t terrorized or forgotten.

You seem to have a problem with 'was'. It's not a word you want in abundance in your story. Cut out as many as you can and only those that are absolutely necessary can stay. An example to remove these might be: Maybe being popular always put me under a microscope, but at least no one forgot or terrorized me.

Olivia, Darcy, Eliza, Layla, and I have been friends since third grade.

Since they don't sound very friendly anymore, maybe 'had' is a better term.

It was only because we kept up a strong front that we both stayed. Eliza and Darcy were best friends since Pre-K and also the easiest to make cry. They stayed around because they were pretty and easy to manipulate. Layla was the odd one out, but stayed.

A bit redundant.

They don’t like to hear about my therapy. It messes up looking perfect like they’re close to that.

I'm not sure if you mean this as a sarcastic statement, or not. If not, you should remove the word I crossed out. If yes, I think there's a comma or something missing.

I wasn’t sure what to think. Was this a trick?

Maybe, to remove the 'was' words: I didn't know what to think. Could it be a trick?

I think you also touched the subject of her secret admirers strongly enough above. You don't need to continually repeat things to the reader. Believe me, we understand, and most of us will remember *Wink*


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like the idea you have here. It's fascinating in an odd sort of way. I'm not sure what this person will write, but I think it's going to be an interesting story no matter how it goes. I'm already sure Hailey will improve as a character as a result of all this, but I wonder if she'll ever find out who this mysterious person is? Not to mention what his exact problem is?


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Watchers  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there! I'm Tam and I saw your novel on the Shameless Plug Page and thought I'd stop by to give you a review and welcome you to Writing.Com! I sure hope you're enjoying your time here, and learning a lot from other writers. Please note that these are my personal opinions gained from my own writing experience and from just being me, so you can keep and discard what you will.

*Star* First Impressions: A classroom scene being painted in my mind's eye, but more focused on this girl in the main character's class. This, I guess, was done on purpose for some vaguelly known reason. He's studying her, but not for a romantic reason. Yet. He seems to really like her and in a way even he is uncertain about.

She is different. Intelligent, I suppose, and asks questions that continue to take him by surprise. I'm not sure if I should be surprised because I never went to school. I was homeschooled.

Either way, he purposefully bumps into her to get her to lose her books and offers to walk her home by way of 'compensation'. They are first interrupted by Mac's cheerleader friend, who insists on coming along at least part of the way. She makes me think of a slightly empty headed girl that means well and aspires. Big time.

At the end of the chapter the main character is having doubts about his mission and even hints at giving her a warning of sorts. I think - personally - that she'd think he was making a sick joke.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Very mysterious air going on in this entire chapter. I'm not sure what he's up to, but I can tell it's not something of pleasant nature. There are some nice descriptions going on as well, and they help bring your story into focus. Scent is usually the most overlooked of the five senses. I should know. I often skip it by mistake, then add it in when I'm revising. Sometimes. The characters all have different voices, which is also a plus.


*Moon* Suggestions: I've read quite a few 'chapter ones' in the past week alone and I find there is a serious trouble with this thing called infodumping. You do it a bit right at the beginning of this chapter, but kind of ease off until there isn't ENOUGH description. And where it is, I find you're sort of repeating a slightly different version of one you used above. That might need some addressing.

On a slightly more important note, your descriptions are often delivered in passive voice. Passive leaves your reader snoring, or tapping his foot with impatience, and ultimately could get people to wander away. I'll offer a few examples that should help you identify this. If they don't, you can always email me for more examples and I'll do my best to explain.

PASSIVE voice gives your story a kind of 'telling' feel when you really want to 'show' what is going on. You are putting description before the action. This doesn't mean the entire story is scrap. In most cases swapping the order of a sentence will remedy it.

ACTIVE voice is what we want! You put your action (such as a person raising his hand) before the description (Raising his hand in an arrogant manner instead of arrogantly raising his hand).

SHOWING kind of goes with these two mentioned above. Its arch nemesis is TELLING. They both have a place, but you want to keep the telling fellow down as far as possible. There are places where you don't want to show everything.


So, I'll try to address this as clearly as possible and give you a few examples from your story here to clarify my point.

Dropping his head onto his palm, he looked out the window at the naked trees bending their will to the wind.

You could bring this to more active voice (and show it too) by writing something like: He dropped his head onto his palm and directed his gaze towards the window. Past the glass, the naked trees bent their will to the wind.


Half-turning his head, he went to study the subject that interested him most and found himself staring into eyes as clear and blue as the warm waters of Hawaii.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this sentence, so I'll hazard a guess in my suggestion here: He turned his head towards the subject that interested him most and found himself drowning(?) in eyes as clear and blue as the warm waters of Hawaii.

I'm not even sure if you should say Hawaii, personally, but that is up to you.

Either he embarrassed her by his blatant refusal to look away or she was embarrassed to be caught staring as well.

Feels a bit redundant and awkward.

Mackenzie surprised him.

This is telling. I never got any indication of how he felt when he was surprised. Did his breath catch? Did he hesitate? Did he do anything?

When the conversation takes over, all the description is thrust aside except for a few - and very few - ones that do nothing to give me an idea of what these characters are doing.

Kady swung her gaze back and forth between the two of them, apparently digesting this news.

If it's that apparent you don't need to tell the reader it is.

“Maybe. But not until 4:30. Why don’t I walk with you guys?”

Numbers should be spelled out if they are below 100. Four thirty (with or without a dash *Rolleyes*, I forget. In my stories there are no mention of exact times).

Twirling her blond ponytail around her finger, the other girl found the ceiling particularly interesting.

Passive voice here, and kind of odd besides. Try swapping the order of the sentence for it to make better sense (and adjusting it appropriately would help, otherwise... confusion reigns).

On a slightly different note, you might want to cut back on the 'was', 'had', and -ly endings. Even -ing can get repetetive after a while. They're called weak words, so keep an eye out for them.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'm sort of curious as to how this all turns out, but if I were in Mackenzie's position I wouldn't think this guy was serious. At all. No matter what he said. Everything he COULD say would come across as... farfetched as far as I can tell at this point. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but since the main character has a soft spot for her I guess things will become... complicated. Providing he can get her to take him seriously, or if he just gives up and tries again at a later date.

I hope all this helps you. It can be a bit overwhelming at first.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hello there, I'm Tam and I think I saw your work on the Review Please page since I was prowling around there earlier. I'm not even entirely sure... but I'm here to give you feedback either way.

*Star* First Impressions: A girl is leaving a party after an argument with her friend. She leaves with her boyfriend and neither one of them are completely sober. That spells disaster. They both die - or sort of anyway - in a car accident and Ireland (the main character) winds up in heaven. She was apparently an angel the entire time.

She's also about to go off on some unknown mission and her partner isn't about to divulge anything until they're both ready to leave. He abandons her with the words: try to remember something. Very helpful, I wager...


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Seems like you have an interesting concept going on here. She was a human girl, but apparently not really. She was an angel the whole time. Yet what her companion tells her just before he leaves kind of confuses me. I guess he means some other human - not Ireland.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'd say the beginning is the single most confusing event in the entire story. Even after she 'dies' I got more out of what was going on than I did at the party that killed her. I'm not sure what is going on. Maybe that should be a prologue instead of part of chapter one?

I feel like there are some descriptions left out in this piece.

She wondered if angels blushed, or if only she could notice the heat rushing to her face.

A suggestion is to ditch 'could' and add a 'd' on the end of notice.

he said, like this was secret.

I know what you mean, but maybe an 'a' would be helpful between 'was' and 'secret'.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'm curious as to what this 'mission' of Ireland's is, but that is left for the next chapter some other time. I think your concept is pretty straight, sounds like you know where you're taking this. When you do, the reader can relax and read rather than wondering if ANYONE knows where the story is going. The fact that it ends and I'm wondering what happens next is a good thing, I just had to get past the confusion right in the beginning.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of My big dream  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there, I'm Tam and this is a response to your Review Request. I'm sorry, I would have done this sooner but I had a terrible fever yesterday and could barely get out of bed.

*Star* First Impressions: There is a lot of emotion in this piece. Hope, fear, anger, and sorrow. This is a nice touch. On one hand she's getting her dreams to come true and she wants to be a hockey player. A famous one. As I read this I can feel the enthusiasm behind this dream and her hope that it'll come true.

She doesn't believe her foster parents when they tell her how useless she is at everything she tries. She gets good grades. She studies. She plays good hockey. This hope carries her through the entire story until she cracks under the strain and runs away from her miserable home.

She goes straight to Nick, the hockey player, and he protects her from her abusive foster parents and calls the police for her. The whole nine yards. It looks as if her life will get better. I sure hope she can get her hockey playing dreams to come true.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I'd say the mood is the best part. You set that stage really well and gave the reader something to think about at the end. She lied about what happened to her out of fear, but I think her friends and mentors always knew something strange was going on with her. That's the impression I get. When she finally admits it, it's like a dam opens up inside of her. It's a good story.


*Moon* Suggestions: All that being said, the paragraphs are really weird and the punctuation just as much. It makes it difficult to read, and confuses me as to which character is saying what and when. You can fix this easily enough if you give it some effort, and the reading will go much easier on your audience. We don't enjoy deciphering everything while we're trying to immerse ourselves in a good story.

You wrote it like this: "That's what happens when you're smart. You think things that most other people don't", I replied. He tilted his head at me, smiling. "You're smart then?" "You could say that. I mean, I am getting all A's in school."

Instead you could try this: "That's what happens when you're smart. You think things that most other people don't," I replied.

He tilted his head at me, smiling. "You're smart then?"

"You could say that. I mean, I am getting all A's in school."

It's just that much easier to decipher.

I also can't help but notice that early on in the story she has these little thoughts here and there. But near the end of it, she stops entirely. Just like how you shouldn't start things randomly, you shouldn't stop them randomly either.

I shuttered. Nick’s hand touched my arm and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

Shuddered*

“Why haven’t you call us before to tell us this”, the Chief asked.

Called* And these ", should be the other way around.


*Butterflyb* Overall: An interesting read of a poor, abused girl who lost her parents and is living with her foster parents. These people don't care about her one bit. I wish I had some vague idea what they looked like. What anyone looked like. I think you did a nice job on the cold air from the ice description, too. I'm not fond of the cold anymore (for a good reason that I'll not go into), but I can imagine how pleased she would be if she really likes hockey. You made a character that people can root for, just look out for your paragraphs.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hiya! I'm Tam and I saw your chapter on the Review Please page! I'm stopping by to give you some feedback while I'm still in the mood *Smile*. These are my opinions, so take some and leave some.

*Star* First Impressions: A sylph flies off with a message for Sir Lionel inviting him to a party of sorts that the princess orchestrated so she could see him. This sylph is killed on her way by some unnamed character and her letter stolen.

This letter is given to two layabout good for nothings (as far as I understand) who then decide, after much discussion, that they will attend the party in the unfortunate Lionel's place. This, to me, seems like a dubious plan considering how they both come across. Lazy. Good for naught. Kind of... naive in a... naive kind of way.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I'm going to say the sylph was my favourite part, until she got shot. So innocent until that moment she met her demise at this unnamed assassin's hand. Also that slight air of intriguing curiosity as to why anyone would want these two guys to attend this party in the first place.


*Moon* Suggestions: Since you say you want to self publish this, I'll try to give you a few pointers to make your story a bit sharper for your readers. Don't take any of this personally, I learned most of what I know through trial and error first. I'm not going to dictate what you have to change, the examples are just that - examples. You can write this any way you want.

First off I wasn't sure who in the world was the main character since the point of view camera kept hopping about. This was distracting and almost led to me clicking on that blue back button and getting outta here. You might want to give this a definite perspective earlier so the reader doesn't feel confused or overwhelmed.

You also have a problem with 'was', 'had', and '-ly' endings... so you might want to keep an eye out for those. But more important than these I could not help but notice your use of passive voice instead of active. This is distracting for me, and makes your descriptions lie flat instead of standing up. So rather than propping them up to try and make them stand on their own, I'll try and give you a few pointers to correct them yourself.

It was not easy to spot her: she was nearly completely invisible to the human eye.

This could use work. An example of change would be: She blended in well with her surroundings so that her stalker needed to pay close attention to keep her in sight. I must point out that 'nearly completely' reads off as strange (I've never heard of something being nearly, but completely something all at the same time).

Finally, he caught sight of the sylph: a smudged, slightly-pink humanoid shape passing through the sky.

Maybe: At last he caught sight of the smudged, pinkish humanoid shape as it flitted through the sky.

Waiting until they were far from the palace, he took aim at her several times, but loosed no arrows.

This feels like telling to me. You don't want to be 'telling'. You want to be 'showing'. So... you might consider something like: He waited until they were far from the palace before he lifted his bow to take aim at the little figure. But he lowered it again just as fast...

Prying open the sylph's hand, the hooded man found his prize: a tightly rolled scroll,

This is the same case. He pried open the sylph's clenched hand to reveal his prize: a rolled scroll... So on.

There is also some confusion as to which brother is saying what near the end there. Perhaps because there is no clear definition in some places.

Remember: ACTION before DESCRIPTION. This is vitally important (can't stress it enough).


*Butterflyb* Overall: This was an interesting start. You classified it as comedy and I might have smiled once or twice, but I don't see a strong comedy element in this yet. I guess this comes in later? Though in your defence I might point out that I do not often get involved enough with a story to find ANYTHING amusing.

I'm sort of curious as to what happens after these two... er... fellows get to this party, but also somewhat bored. These are my impressions of the story so far. There's no real hook right in the beginning, so I'm not feeling as if I'm drawn in as much as I should be.

On another note though, your writing isn't bad. If you edit this, it could be a very worthwhile read. So on that note...


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there, I'm Tam and I saw your item (well, the one following this one) on the Review Please page, so I thought I'd stop by to give you some feedback. Please remember that these are MY personal views. Take some and leave some. Also, *Confettiv*Welcome to Writing.com!*Confettib*

*Star* First Impressions: Luka, a guard, is waiting for the enemy(?) king of another kingdom to arrive, and with some impatience. His companion seems to think his anxiety is amusing and jabs at him good naturedly about it. Luka is embarrassed, and hungry. With all the attention drawn to it, I think he tends to be hungry very often.

All this opens up into a rather confusing state of events, of which I (confess) skimmed slightly over for want of a way to get through the huge paragraphs. Luka goes to deliver a message to the king for another guard(?) only to find him dead. Murdered.

Luka, terrified, hurries off to see if he can save the queen and prince from the murderer, but when he arrives he is greeted by a cold blade. This turns out to be the queen.

After she is convinced she can trust Luka, she makes an ultimate sacrifice by giving her son to him to take away from that place so the child can someday reclaim the throne. Luka has no idea what to do with children, but somehow he still agrees to perform the task.

He makes the little prince look dirty and more vagabond-ish so that - should they be caught - no one will suspect where he is from. This accomplished, he comes up with a cute little excuse to go and visit the girl he has a crush on. Aziza.

Together they make plans to escape, and give the servants a tip to follow them out five minutes later. Just to ensure they can get away first and save the prince. With this, they both hurry out to leave their besieged (mind if I use this term?) home.

Sadly on their escape, they are discoverd and attacked by one of the enemy men and Aziza loses her life to save Luka and Marco's (the prince) lives. Luka is crushed and stays by her for quite some time, then remembers his duty and carries the prince off to safety. There is no real explanation as to how he escapes, but this does leave an intriguing cliffhanger for the reader.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Okay, so I liked the concept. It's a bit abrupt, but the characters do seem to have their own voices. The scene featuring the queen giving up her baby is the best in my opinion because everything seems to slow down to take in every moment. Everything else goes by in a bit of a blur by comparison. Not that this is such a bad thing, I guess if you were experiencing this kind of thing it would seem to rush by too fast as well.


*Moon* Suggestions: Since you said you would rather this story stay on the 'telling' side I will not point out the fact that it is indeed, telling.

My first problem with your prologue is just that. This is a prologue. Prologues are not supposed to be roughly eight thousand words in length as if they were a miniature novel. They are supposed to be short, to the point, and unable to be anything else. As a result, this is difficult to view as just a prologue.

You use huge blocks of description. Whether or not you want this story to be 'telling' rather than the desired 'showing' you should not need to infodump this much information on everyone at once. This prompted skimming over your prologue to get to the important parts which were signified by dialogue. I needed to force myself to slow down and take it all in. Cutting back on things that you deem less important should be sufficient to eliminate this problem.

In the king's chamber you showed the king's dead body and his dog's, but where were the guards? Were they killed too? Were they dragged away?

I felt as if the scene change occurred too fast from after Aziza's death, also. I thought they were still in the courtyard, only to find they were actually out in a side street. This was confusing, so maybe some explanation somewhere in between could help with that.

She reached behind her and picked up her shawl, and then she stood up.

Stood should be sufficient. When one stands, they generally stand up. Not down.

Aziza's face flashed before his mind's eye, but he tamped his feelings down.

I think you meant 'tramped'.

The man must have weighed three times as much as small, slender Aziza,

I can't help but feel that saying 'small' and 'slender' is a bit repetetive.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I think you have a fascinating idea here, it just needs some cutting back on descriptions. Hard to find the story in there sometimes (and anyway, when you see a prologue you generally think short and sweet). I was surprised about the length when I saw it and needed to convince myself to read through it. Although I found your story to be decent once I got into it.

I don't mean this as a 'bash you over the head' kind of review. I really think you have great potential as a writer and your plot was interesting enough to keep me reading. I look forward to reading more.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Out Of Style Geek  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there, I'm Tam (and I know I've been reviewed by you before, but this is my habit so... shh...) and I saw your item on the Review Please page. Thought I'd give you a review.

*Star* First Impressions: Definitely not an anime fan or anything like that, but I have an older brother who is so I am aware what all that stuff is. I also happen to be trying to learn how to read Japanese (more for fun than anything else).

So my first thoughts were definitely: that must have been really awkward. I can imagine what that kind of thing must be like. I've heard of these anime expos and met people online who have gone (and cosplayed) and I never had much in common with them. It really sounded like you had an interesting time, and as a result I had fun reading your story. Could also be a warning to those who think they're 'otaku' (and abuse that word profusely) and really aren't as much as they thought they were.

Also, I read some of Fullmetal Alchemist. My brother has some books of it kept upstairs in easy reach. Too easy, if I got my hands on them *Laugh*


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I would say the hugging samurai was the best part, though at every turn I couldn't help but smile a bit at your (unfortunate? fortunate?) experience. The lady that let you in was pretty amusing, too... but after what she's seen I guess that kind of reaction is expected. It's weird to look normal when no one else does.


*Moon* Suggestions: For criticism I found this mildly hard to read because the paragraphs were not double spaced. Even if you don't want it this way on your blog, you might want to check the little box on Writing.com so people can screen it for errors easier. You won't even have to change anything but that.

Little nitpickings I have...

I thought the characters would get on stage and show off their costume. This was actually cosplay combat.

I think it should be 'costumes', since you're referring to more than one person. Not entirely sure.

I learned that most of my Geek knowledge was dated and my Geek tastes in style were very out of date.

Feels repetetive because you used that word twice.

There might be a few too many 'wases' for easy reading, but on the whole it doesn't seem too bad.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I enjoyed it. Since I don't intend to ever go to one of these, I find your experience fascinating. I have heard of them and looked at pictures of those few cosplayers dressed up as characters I know, but otherwise... I'd be even more hopeless than you were. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, though. A quick polish would make this a really worthwhile read.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of Dragon Tamer  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there! I'm Tam, and I randomly noticed your item on this site. I'm going to give you some feedback.

*Star* First Impressions: This starts out on a solemn note of the main character, who is unnamed, slays the dragon who killed his parents. The scene depicts the dragon crashed into a building and a lot of muttering people lingering about. They are frightened, but also curious enough to stick around. There is a lot of dust in the air as well.

So the story then drifts back in time to where the main character - Bracken - is younger and learning under his parents' hand. But they are travellers and they often left Bracken off with some dragons nearby who give him hands on experience with the creatures.

However disaster strikes when his parents go off to speak with a dragon, who is found dead. They are likewise found by this dragon's son, who believes they killed him, and he seeks revenge upon them.

Bracken is told to run away by both his father and his mother, who give him a dagger before his departure, and they are slain by the dragon known as Shadow. As a result Bracken becomes withdrawn and spends all his time in the dragons' cave with his fellows. They are worried and send for another dragon to come and have a look at him.

So he is given the mark of a tamer by this dragon Imarx, I believe his name was, and gets the idea for revenge of his own. He prepares himself for this day - the day he'll get his revenge - with a dragon as his mentor and, at the end of this piece, he is finally ready to depart.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the dragons depicted here, and the vague descriptions tossed about of them. There were also some nice moments in between, such as the description of the mark given him by the dragon, and other miniscule but important things. Like his dagger. I could visualize this.


*Moon* Suggestions: I find there is a lot missing here, however nice the story may be, and I will give you my opinion on how to change it so it will be better.

For one thing I can't help but feel detached from a few of the scenes because I didn't get a really 'shown' feeling from them. This means YOU were telling the story, and not the character living it. I wanted to feel what it was like to be caught by the dragon when he swan-dived off the ledge. His pain, hurt, and anger were sidelined a bit as well. It could be 'deeper' shall I say.

Also the paragraphs were arranged in confusing manner because the dialogue of separate characters were not in different paragraphs. This confused me, and this confusion detracted from the story you were telling me. I could not really focus on the intensity of the moment because I was too busy trying to figure out who spoke. In some places I never did figure it out. Like here, for instance:

"They call me Chrome, sir." I cocked my head. His scales were bright and metallic looking. The marks flared up, and I yelped in pain. "What was that?" I asked, hands covering the marks. "I don't know...."

I'm guessing it should be somewhat like this:

"They call me Chrome, sir."

I cocked my head. His scales gleamed bright and metallic in the sunshine.

The marks flared up, and I yelped in pain. "What was that?" I asked, hands covering the marks.

"I don't know..."

It would be much easier to understand who is speaking when.

Maybe to make your last sentence more impactful you can write something else. Instead of:

I wore it all the time, having made a promise to sink it into Shadow's black heart.

You could write:

I wore it all the time as a symbol of my promise to sink it into Shadow's black heart.

I did not notice any typos and the grammar looks passable, but I'm not a grammar expert. There is quite a bit of telling you will want to adjust and more active voice would be helpful. On the whole it isn't so bad.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I personally think if you break up your paragraphs better and adjust it to show rather than tell, you could have a very good story. I liked the idea of dragon tamers and the fact that he can understand what they are saying. Though I wish I could have seen more of these dragons, like how they looked. I can tell that you have a decent mental image of them yourself, but remember that your reader can't see into your mind to draw out this image. We only have your words to help us.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi there, I'm Tam and I saw your item on the 'Review Please' page. So I'm here to offer you some feedback.

*Star* First Impressions: So these two guys are about to star in a magic duel of some kind with their weapons as paintbrushes of sorts and magical circles below them. There is obviously some bad blood between these two, and Skarow wants to get even for it.

As the story progresses it becomes increasingly apparent that there is something very much wrong with Lord Renbarth I think his name was. This is not good, and it bodes badly for the main character. Through the battle - which is somewhat hazy at moments - I am hopeful that Skarow will win out, only to find that he loses and his body is taken over by this... evil man.

Skarow is imprisoned, and now he understands just what happened to his friends. So. I wonder what can be done about this?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: So the brush idea is interesting. I liked the sabrecat thing, and the descriptions you tossed out there for the various magical happenings in your world. The backstory is decent as well, and there is obviously - right from the get go - that there is something very wrong with his opponent. I also like the obvious differences between the two characters - like an almost inverted appearance of good and evil.


*Moon* Suggestions: Right away I can tell you that you should put some more thought into separating this into paragraphs. I had to force myself to read through it because of the lacking spacing. You can see examples of this in my review. A hint when making paragraphs is that whenever the subject deviates a bit another one can begin. This will make it lots easier to read for your audience.

A cut back on 'was', 'had', '-ly' endings, and stuff like that would be useful to bring the story more into focus. These things can often be replaced by a more showing word that will bring your imagery into better focus.

For example:

The crowd in the arena was buzzing with excitement and anticipation. The great stone amphitheater was completely full, the excited masses waiting for the battle to begin. You could hear their cries of anticipation and excitement for miles around.

I don't know where that 'you' came from. This isn't in second person (rare perspective that it is) and I don't think it's necessary. You COULD write it like this:

The crowd in the arena buzzed with excited anticipation in their cramped seats as they waited for the battle to begin. Their cries bounced off the stone walls and echoed for miles around.

Less redundancy, and more action - always a good combination. Of course you can make it any way you want (this is only an example).

But the crown knew who had won. They cheered their new emperor and he smiled at them warmly.

I think you meant 'crowd'.

I also got a touch confused as to which wizard was which right in the beginning, so there might need to be some clarification there. Just in case the readers - other than me - get befuddled.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Once the paragraphs are separated more and some polishing done, I think you have a really fantastic idea going on here. It's different, and I was interested once I could get past that gigantic block of text. Your characters are quite different from one another, so when Skarow was sucked out of himself it was obvious and infuriating. All good points mind you.

It was a pleasure reading you, and I hope to see you again soon.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review of The Wilted Mask  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I am really, really not the right person to ask for a poetry review. As I have said, if the poem is not the simple rhyme type I cannot figure it out. Nevertheless, since you have requested this review I will do what I can.

My impressions were muddled. Kind of like I could not see the picture for the fog. Makes me think of a dark scape with lots of weird stuff around. Like a giant witch cauldron or something. Green? I do not get most of your imagery (I have been known to be both cruelly perceptive and lamentably slow witted in turns).

Seems to me that someone has passed on. Or is going to. Or is in a bad way. Something to this effect. I could be reading this totally wrong, though.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Oh dear. This is a hard one. Since I do not know quite what you mean by this poem I have no clue. The crows mentioned are nice, I actually sort of understood it.


*Moon* Suggestions: I would say clarity, but I'm not sure if you meant it to be sort of unclear or if all this imagery makes the stuff clear to someone. Unlike it is doing for me.

I do not know who Thomas is, though I have my suspicions, and this is kind of awkward. Since it's poetry I have no idea how you can clear that up. Or if you even need to.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Slightly confusing to be honest. My reception of this is vague at best. I feel like there is emotion in here, but that it is sort of outletted incorrectly. I'm not even quite sure though.

Always remember that I am no poet - this is just how I felt while I read it. No more. This is the best I can do so I hope it helps.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

This is Tam, in answer to your review request. I'll do my best to provide a thorough review for you.

*Star* First Impressions: Torin is really queer in his own way. This chapter is fairly focused on what he does with his days and what his job really is. I'm not sure exactly what to make of it to be honest.

I'm not sure what Torin is planning. He almost feels like a sinister person now that I'm here. Kenton is somewhat curious as well, but I don't get that negative vibe from him. I'm not sure if you intended this or not.

Torin is also a dreadful flirt. As a girl I find this somewhat irksome. I would, personally, loathe a person of that type. Though I have been told I can be somewhat difficult. I will let this slide for the time being, since I don't really know him yet.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: You don't shirk your descriptions. That is a good start, but some of them are serious telling. Torin's behaviour is both interesting and disturbing. Not sure which I would rather lean towards in this case.

I liked the earlier part of the chapter better personally because it showed a better side to the characters.


*Moon* Suggestions: Much telling to trim down, and I would like to have a better idea of what is going on. I found the dialogue could use some work because, though formal is not bad, it feels a bit too stiff and formal. As if they are reading some of it off a script.

There is no real indication as to what might happen next. I'm not sure, at this point, if I should or should not keep reading it because there has been no definite... movement plot wise. This might sound harsh, and I am sorry if it comes off that way, but your plot needs movement. If you aren't sure where this is going, now is definitely the time to thik about it. If you do, try to add subtle - or not so subtle - hints for the reader to pick up.

The girl stopped running when she saw what happened, she looked around until she spotted Torin. A look of comprehension stole across her face and she laughed herself off her feet.

This seems like telling to me. I'm not perfect, but it just doesn't feel like action even if it is supposed to be.

The little girl just stood there with the biggest grin on her face, but would not corroborate his story.

This one is the same way.

Torin turned around and saw Kenton Gladstone running after him, this was the first time he really got to get a good look at the man; the lighting in the council chamber was not the best.

I waited three paragraphs for a description that never came. The way the sentence led up to it made me think you were going to describe him, just for the benefit of memory, or even just the slightest bit like his hair is paler than it appeared to be in the council chamber. Anything. It felt like you forgot to add it somehow.

"Find any cracks yet"

Might want to add a question mark at the end of that. It is a question, after all.

"You have not said anything I don't already know and accept for you see, my father was a world class diplomat as well as a powerful Physicamancer and he trained his children to not only have skill in magic but in diplomacy and debate as well.

This is one of those stiffer lines. I only showed some of it, of course.

it gets hard when people get used to the games you play so the reason I wanted to eat here is because many of the waiters are new and I get to have my fun"

Missing period.

After a quick look over again I think the main problem with your dialogue is missing punctuation. No, people do not speak perfectly punctuated, but you should still try to add pauses in their dialogue. We don't use correct grammar, but we do tend to pause now and then to breathe.


*Butterflyb* Overall: All right, so I read the whole thing and I think, though it has a good deal of nice in it, there are also many things that could use improvement.

The Improvements:

You need to show more, and tell less. Telling has its place, but it should be used as little as possible.

Dialogue needs more punctuation and less tension!

The plot should be made a touch clearer. It feels really faint, like it is struggling to come up for air. I'm not sure why.

The ending is almost sharp enough to draw me further in. Almost. I think it could use a bit more impact.

I have little to no idea what this town is like. Big? Small? Lots of room between buildings? I see people, but no... town.

You were good at:

So there were some bold descriptions, but they were doing their job for the most part. Just be sure to remember that not everyone has a dictionary sitting on their desk that they are willing to pause and flip through.

Your characters have some obvious characteristics that mark them as unique. Different.

You seem to have a strong grasp on your world.

Great variation on wizardry and how it is accomplished.

Interesting sayings.

A - maybe - language developement thing going on?

---

So in total I think you could work this out to be pretty good. It just needs some attention in a few - okay maybe quite a few - places. Strengthening your active voice will help, as well as tightening that dialogue. Give me some idea as to what is going on in this academy! Is this really important, or is it just off the top of Torin's rather unusual head?


Keep writing!

~Tam

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