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IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: When I read this I get the impression it's more of a synopsis or an introduction than a part one. Maybe that's what you intended, but it doesn't indicate that anywhere so I'm just guessing.

Otherwise I could get engaged into reading something like this. The voice of the main character is present, even if she seems determined to beat around the bush several times when the reader is probably wondering what in the world she did that she's not saying. I still don't know, but I guess that's what the rest of the story is for.

Trouble is, all this introduction and I still don't have a name to put on her.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The style was fairly consistent and the main character is easy to relate to even through this brief introduction. Something terrible happened that was her fault, and although nobody knows what it is yet, she's determined to make everyone see it her way. Nobody can blame her because she did what anyone else would have in her position.


*Moon* Suggestions: Mostly, as a short intro, this does a real good job and there isn't much to improve. Except it does kind of sound like she's rambling a bit. Maybe she's like that. Maybe not. As I mentioned earlier, her name isn't given either. Even if it was for effect, it is just a bit strange.

All in all, I'd say the line that needs the most work is this one.

I could have been the hero. I could have been the girl who saves her family from starvation and even death. No, I could never be the hero. You must know that I never meant for everyone to die like this.

The tenses are a bit mixed up, to start with. I could have been the girl who saved her family from starvation and death. Would be better. Although starvation would usually end up leading to death.

This might be a better interpretation of the following sentence: Now I can never be the hero.

Even after all that, some of the wording should be watched just in case you slip into the wrong tense, or make a negative where there shouldn't be.


*Butterflyb* Overall: For it's really short length, this wasn't so bad as an intro. I feel like I got to know the main character in record time, and even had a vague idea of what mistake the story would be about. Although I have no clue how someone like her just trying to keep from starving would cause a disaster so great people would call her a villain.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
102
102
Review of Cup or Cone?  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: I've never been an ice cream driver, and I've never bought ice cream from a truck like that. However this gave me a pretty good idea what it might be like with a humorous twist thrown in for good measure. I like the way the ice cream truck drivers were competitive and how you described that. Not to mention the way you felt creepy when you were trying to lure kids to buy ice cream.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Most of this I said above, but I'll add that I liked the opening best of all. It had a good quality about it that some of the rest was more lacking in. I'll explain why below.


*Moon* Suggestions: Some of the sentences you have here are rushed and don't really give me a great idea what is going on. That aside, the constant brackets are a bit of a distraction. In the first line they're not out of place, but later down they feel like they're being used as a crutch.

I'll point out a few things that could be improved for you.

After plucking enough courage, I decided to take the leap of faith and apply for job and by the grace of the gods; I managed to get the job.

This sentence had me hesitating and re-reading it twice to be sure I got it straight. It just jumps forward too fast. Maybe...

After plucking up enough courage, I decided to take a leap of faith and apply for the job. I didn't expect anything, but next thing I knew it my letter/call was returned and by the grace of the gods I had landed the job.

It still needs work, but it reads smoother.

Customers (who are the most deluded and self-entitled people you will ever meet) were way too demanding (for ice cream, of all things) and cursed me constantly.

This is where I feel these () were being used as a crutch. You didn't need them here to get the basic point across.

Customers were way too demanding for their ice cream, of all things. They cursed me whenever they got the chance and behaved like the most bigoted, self-entitled people I had ever met.

At this point, I just drove off to let him find the truth out for himself...

These ... could just be swapped out for . without hurting the sentence. Same with the following one.

I would be driving down a street (with the song playing) where children would be playing.

Again, these () don't seem to add anything and should be removed.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Amusing at times, confusing at others because of grammar, but on the whole it isn't a bad story. With polishing it would even be good. Just remember that these () aren't going to help in every situation. Sometimes it's better to just say the sentence without them or change around the wording.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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103
103
Review of Into The Fire 1  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Strictly speaking my first impression was of a very slow opening to a normal day in someone's life. This someone - Corin - has a low opinion of his father, which is apparently shared by his mother.

However as he left to go to town this slow pace changed a smidgen as it revealed they live in some kind of cave that supposedly was put together by magic and would - again supposedly - last forever. People living in these caves are in a great deal of trouble now that they are beginning to collapse. No reason is volunteered for this.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Although I do think the idea of people living in caves that are beginning to collapse definitely has potential, it feels vaguely familiar somehow. I can't place it, so I'll leave it as... a vague curiosity what is going on. The cave-dwellers were the best part.


*Moon* Suggestions: This is a chapter one, and I feel that it starts far too slowly. Your intent with chapter one is to hook your reader and keep them invested in the story, but instead this starts out really slow and boring. It focuses on detailing a day in someone's everyday life, and it isn't thrilling or grabbing at all. If this were a book I'd randomly picked out among others, such a drab beginning would make me put it back down in search of another.

You do have a definite hook in here somewhere, and that would be the fact that the caves are collapsing. But this fact is only revealed later - as is the mention of Corin's father being one person to have said they would fall down.

You might also consider toning back how many huge blocks of description you use. I suggest you give a quick first impression of this person - so they're identifiable - then sprinkle more in throughout the story. I seriously doubt you meet a person for the first time, then take stock of their entire appearance with one glance.

A tip that I will add as a side note - because this must be rather overwhelming - is that you should cut back on words that end in -ly and the words 'was' and 'had'. These are weak words, and the narrative will be stronger without them.

Corin stood there astonished.

This is telling, so I - your reader - looked at it and wondered 'how is he astonished? He just stood there?'. Could he have 'gaped in astonishment'. Did he just refuse to believe it? I don't know, because it's not shown to me.

As he began walking toward all the commotion a voice called out from a building just a little way down the street. It was Noella. He could see her leaning out of her door motioning to for him to come over to her. Her fiery red hair hung in a braid over her shoulder.

This feels kind of info-dumpy, and the words 'a little' aren't helping. You could try something more concise. For example: He quickened his pace, determined to reach the commotion before it sorted itself out. He didn't get there. A familiar voice called out to him from one of the shops, and he turned toward the source.

Noella the baker leaned out of her door so her long red braid swung like a pendulum over her shoulder. Her pale blue dress seemed too cheerful for the turmoil just down the street.

I won't go through the whole thing. It's your story, and I'm just trying to give you an idea of what I mean.

But he rather felt like standing.

Umm... but... why? Is he too nervous to sit?


*Butterflyb* Overall: You have some premise behind this, and a father painted up as a bad guy when he probably wasn't. I'm still wondering about that. Since Noella just told him his father said they would, should Corin be on the defensive - object to her bringing someone he never cared about into the picture? Does that even matter? I'm not sure, but at least you have some plot going on.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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104
104
Review of Forging a Legend  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: A feeling of depth follows this piece, as if there is a lot of backstory and little time to get it into such a small place. An important person and her follower - Fate - are on a mission to save the world and bring about something called phoenix.

Thing is, I still have some general questions about it. I know this is just a brief glimpse into your story though, so I guess I shouldn't expect too much.

I am not a hundred percent sure I understand how this sword is going to save the world, but since Fate doesn't seem to know either there's no point in worrying about it yet. Yet.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: As I said, I like how there's a deep backstory here that isn't all flung at me. Just hinted at, and sometimes mentioned briefly. It makes the whole world seem bigger than their dialogue hints. I'm curious about the story just because of this.


*Moon* Suggestions: I can't help but notice a few general writing issues that can and should be resolved. First I'll point out the technical issue that -ly endings and 'was' are weak. Especially that you have a 'was' right in the first sentence written. It's not the end of the world, but they should be replaced with stronger words. I might be able to give you an example somewhere below.

That aside, I was a bit confused with all the speedy happenings. I felt like some of it was rushed, and didn't get the feel for where I was in the world before being dragged of to some new location. Jumping around is one thing, but doing so all in the frame of one sentence after being involved in an earlier scene real time had me jarred.

I'm curious why there are only 'three' races. I guess this doesn't include animals, but maybe you should point out that there are only three 'intelligent' or 'sentient' races so that it doesn't sound odd.

Fate was not entirely sure he believed what he was seeing.

Maybe: Fate's eyes refused to accept the scene that unfolded before them.

There's a slight matter of showing instead of telling, and although it isn't a massive problem in this piece I noticed a few instances were showing would have been much better. Besides that, it will help eliminate those weak words I mentioned above. Oh, and don't think a 'had' will be a sufficient replacement. It won't be.

My advice is to ask yourself what something feels/looks like and try to draw from that in an active way. Try not to say things like 'the sword was glowing', but go for something along the lines of: 'A warm glow pulsed from the sword's perfect blade'.

As a side comment, I notice the demon Kadiv asks why Velenis wants the life iron, and Fate agrees that he wants to know the answer as well only for neither of them to be answered. The demon fetches the iron without any explanation required, as if Fate's thoughts were supposed to answer the questions for him. This was kind of weird, so I just thought I'd point that out.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like the fact that you have a world set up, an obvious back story, and a whole 'this sword can save the world' thing going. Although judging by the description I saw on the plug page this sword doesn't quite do what anyone expects. That does sound catchy. A few technical issues can be ironed out, but it will take patience.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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105
105
Review of A Fan of Angels  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


This is in response to your review request. I hope this is helpful, and thanks for asking.

*Star* First Impressions: At first the plot sounded pretty definite and straightforward. Some kind of calamity took place and this guy killed everyone inside a building. That's what I understand anyway.

But on this particular day his weird life gets a twist as he does his best to save her life from what appear to be zombies with parasites in them. I could tell something was strange about the main character, but it didn't occur to me what that was until I came closer to the end.

I'm still not entirely sure, even after reading the whole thing. As I said, I have a vague idea.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Actually I do kind of like the part where he notices and gives voice to his interpretation of the person he saved. That seemed to be the most characterization for the main character, and her I guess.


*Moon* Suggestions: Those two huge paragraphs were really eye-catching and off-putting. I don't personally like wading through huge paragraphs unless there is no way they can be broken up. You should at least give it a look over and find out if one of them can be separated.

Another thing I noticed that could use some scaling back is the use of the word 'perfect', which seemed especially heavy in said paragraph. There were other words that were repeated a few too many times, and my suggestion to get rid of some of these (you might want to keep the ones later that were used for effect, since those are some use) is to search for them to find out which ones they are. Once you've done that, you can manually replace them. Don't do the auto replace. Bad things happen then.

that looked like it had been apart of a long abandoned cart corral.

A part*.

I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to protect this woman, to keep her safe from anything that dared threaten that flawless skin. I forgot her and looked toward the immediate threat.

These two sentences kind of contradict one another. Above all, they're mostly telling, which isn't a good thing.

It didn't taste like normal blood. The copper taste was gone, it was just barren blood.

A bit repetitive, but that aside - I'm not sure how he knows what normal blood tastes like. Unless someone hit him in the mouth or he had a nasty fall sometime... still, it made me wonder.

I suddenly felt a little hungry. Maybe I could find some food inside the market

This sentence starts out of nowhere and not in context of what is going on, not to mention his hunger isn't satisfied nor brought up again. Therefore this sentence feels odd, and unnecessary. Even so, it could be shown. I'll give you an example, and it might help you figure out how to make the rest 'show' more.

A pang of hunger gnawed at my empty stomach and my walk grew stiffer. Maybe I could find some food inside the market later.

She looked panicked. She saw me coming back and scrambled to grab my rifle. She shuffled awkwardly over to the weapon. I walked steadily to her. She was beautiful.

A note that '-ly' endings (most of them) are weak words, and could be replaced with a better descriptive scene. Also, most of these sentences start with the same word, which is distracting. I'll give another example.

Her eyes went wide when she saw me coming back. She scrambled to her feet and shuffled toward the weapon, her fingers trembling. I strode toward her without concern. Up close her appearance was more beautiful than I thought.

Way to beautiful to be from around here.

Too*

"It took you long enough.",

There is no need for the comma to be sitting outside the dialogue. In fact, the period should go and the comma should take up residence where it is.


*Butterflyb* Overall: The story seemed more leaned toward feeling rather than plot, and it certainly does have a mood about it. The main character at first comes across as the hero figure gallantly rushing to save a woman he thinks is an angel, and yet when all is said and done... it seems he is the one that's wrong. There's no explicit statement of this, but the implications were there.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
106
106
Review of Valhalla Denied  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: King of neat little setting going on, and it ends with a note of mystery. I'm not sure how the description on this item is befitting the actual brief story that goes with it, though. This entire piece carries a feeling of building action, so it's almost disappointing when it ends without getting to the said action. Still a worthwhile read, despite its incredible shortness.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Even if it's short, I got a pretty good idea of the setting and how creepy everything was around them. The silence, the bad omen, the boat... and lastly the hand over the rail. Very nice.


*Moon* Suggestions: More or less there were a few grammatical issues - not necessarily commas because those are my bane. I will point out whatever I noticed, since this is short, and I might as well.

"Oars up," The oars launched upward from bow to stern.

This is the beginning line, but it lacks snap because the dialogue is improperly attached to that sentence following it. Just make the "Oars up!" an exclamation like that, and it should fix your problem.

The lack of steam gave testimony that no man dared breath.

Breathe*. Easy mistake to make.

Most of those assembled had experienced many such mornings, but this morning was different. As tension snaked its way through the great ship, each man's face betrayed the inner calm he tried to portray.

You can just drop the second 'morning' and say 'this one' or something. Since it's the subject, you don't need to keep bringing it up. As for the last line, can their calm be considered a 'betrayal' if they were attempting to portray that and were succeeding?

Now - this morning - amongst the ice and fog - doubt was no longer certain.

I wonder if there's any real reason for this sentence to be broken up like this? It reads just about the same without the breaks.

just as it had for the previous 4 days.

It's a number below 100 so it should be spelled out as 'four' instead.

He knew the meaning of a dead bird and so did every man on board.

Yeah, but the reader might be left in the dark. No one ever explained the meaning of it anywhere.



*Butterflyb* Overall: This painted a good scene all things considered. Yeah, it's short, but I got a very clear image of what I was looking at. There were a few things that made me hesitated, but I pointed them out above. I don't think it would take much to polish this up when and if you want to.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
for entry "Inklings" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter moves faster than the others and gets to the point much easier as well. Merci gets to fly in a special seat, and Roman doesn't. She also has Simene's Frankenphone to keep her company. I kind of like the setting because it feels more alive. There's less to distract. Although I definitely agree that the previous presentation between her and Simene should be a conversation. Otherwise it falls a bit short of the mark. Somehow a bit lamer than it could be.

I think mostly the interesting parts were because the plot is starting to make more sense and take a definite step forward. I was also kind of relieved to be back with a familiar character instead of being introduced to a new one again. Although Merci isn't doing much right now, she's got a whole mystery on her hands that she is somehow part of.

Although I don't know all that much about it right now, I guess she'll have to end up somewhere near that island sooner or later. How to do that without getting caught like everyone else is another matter entirely. I don't think she'd bother worry about it right now.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The presentation-to-be-made-conversation was the best part. Revealed a lot - though still not so much as that I have the whole picture - and raised a few questions by the time it ended. I already knew Merci had something to do with it, but this was an interesting way to bring up the question as to why and how she is involved. She is unusual yes, but I don't think that's the whole reason. Suffice it to say, the intrigue here is better than most of the other chapters were, and I appreciated that.


*Moon* Suggestions: Simene has been fascinated by Inman's Island his whole life, but he seemed uninterested/unaware of it until Merci told him about her mysteriously interrupted boat adventure many years ago. I'm not sure if I missed something back then, or I'm missing something right now, but it caught me as strange when I read it up here. Since it's a rough draft I do expect some inconsistencies, so I'm just pointing this out so you can check it out for yourself. Just to be sure.

I know Merci's father died. I don't recall whether or not it was natural causes - I think it was - but the way it's mentioned here makes it sound like something a whole lot more sinister happened. Then she is also going through the last paragraphs of the chapter as if she is just fine with these weird dreams and 'episodes' she has, and in fact enjoys them. From what I had read earlier, it didn't sound to me as if she was enjoying them. If this is mentioning a different kind of episode she has, it wasn't mentioned - or it was briefly - and I have no idea what she is talking about.

I also felt like the last few paragraphs were someone confusing even if the rest of the chapter wasn't. Might be just me, but it's worth noting.

Simene continued like a professor lecturing his class. He was very good.

I couldn't help but wonder why that last part is there, and since it doesn't seem necessary or even helpful it would probably be best to remove it.

That is why the military has never censored satellite images from low-earth orbit mapping corporations like Goggle Earth.

Just checking to be sure you didn't mean 'Google' Earth.

With that, the CD went dark and Merci returned the laptop to her backpack.

I'm not sure the CD itself went dark. That gave me a mental image of a glowing CD. I'm fairly sure you meant it hit its end, but there's probably a better way to say it.

The thought gave her a comforting feeling spiked with anticipation.

Don't ask me why, but I don't really like how this sentence comes across.

She dozed, waking once after standing on a forest path that forked in two directions, one up a steep mountain slope and the other down to a shimmering sea. She dozed again, took the fork leading up the mountain, and walked toward an uncertain destiny.

I understand this, but it's written so weirdly that if you go too fast it sounds like she dozed twice without ever waking up. In fact, I'm not really sure what the point of her waking up at the crossroads was if she would just go back to sleep and take a path immediately. The word 'dozed' being used twice didn't really help.


*Butterflyb* Overall: The chapter seemed to stay more focused on what it had to do, and how it would go about getting there. I didn't feel like I was being pulled around to look at every little detail that seemed pointless, but there were still some nice descriptions there. I was a touch confused by the phrasing at the end and had to read it twice to be sure I understood it. On the whole I think this chapter is one of the better ones I have read so far.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


This is in response for your review request. I hope this is helpful for you, and thanks for asking.

*Star* First Impressions: A dragon is hatched without the presence of its father to breathe fire on it. Therefore it has no fire. There is also another dragon there that has no father and can't be taught how to fight as a result.

This gives me the impression of a very tradition bound group of dragons that have to do things one way or lose everything. I didn't get a strong sense of plot, and the characters were somewhat dumped upon the reader without backstory nor explanation. This makes it hard to put them into place in my mind. I understand the dragon that hatched is royalty. Problem is that I don't really know the other dragons apart from one another.

The last one mentioned stayed in my head the best, as you gave an introduction.

I see potential in the story, but it would need some refining. Everything does, though. By the time I reached the end of the chapter, I was curious to see what the rest of the story was about. Although I wished it had a better hook at the end.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: It has been a long time since I read or wrote about dragons. I love them, but I dislike a lot of the novels with them. Your dragons are interesting though, and I like how you seem to have a whole culture thought out for them and ideas about their fire... so on. Those details are what give this story oclour, and you didn't really dump the information on me in a way that made me impatient. Still, this sounds like a really important event.


*Moon* Suggestions: There are a few things that have me puzzled, and it's not just the lack of paragraphs - although that doesn't help. How can ClawFlame not know about the giving of the ember? How come there's such a tiny window of time in which it can be done? Why is it so easily interrupted?

I get the impression these dragons don't bend their ways for anything, and it makes me wonder how they survived so long. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of mistakes made. So it's surprising 99% of them have fire and can fight. It's also confusing that one dragon doesn't have a clue about something so important when it's shown as common knowledge later on.

You should give the father dragon a better reason for missing something so vital when he has to have known about it. I'm sure they have enemies somewhere, or at the very least a situation comes up that slows him down. If he knew the egg would hatch, he would have been there beforehand. Just in case. And if he was late he might have been more cautious when approaching since he would know he could interrupt the ceremony.

This is why I suggest some kind of distraction for both the father dragon, and the hatching itself. Solid reasons will make the situation more urgent. That and it'll make the dragons themselves seem more competent. Right now they seem really spaced out. The mother doesn't even sound angry/worried enough at the absence of her mate, either. Just saying.

For the paragraphs... the quick way to define paragraphs would be 'change paragraph every time the subject takes a change'. Or at least this is what I've been taught. But a definite rule of thumb for these brief dialogues is to separate them every time a new person starts to speak. I got lost in there because I couldn't tell one character's dialogue from another.

For the dialogue itself... I think you need to consider how this would feel for the dragon who is the main character. Her mate is late. Then he arrives and wrecks something that happened to her a ways back. She'd be disappointed. Furious. Upset. Try to think about how that can be related through her dialogue.

I notice you do a lot of telling, too. I started there, and it's not hard to do at first.

Telling is: Soon the egg hatched and TearFire cleaned the sack off the Pup, but when she was about to give The Ember to the hatchling, ClawFlame ran through the curtain of vines at full speed and nearly ran into the cavern wall before he could slow down.

Showing is more like: White cracks marred the surface of the egg and slim black (or whatever colour their claws are) stabbed into the gashes. A pink tongue flicked out, tasting fresh air for the first time. The egg rocked and with one titanic heave, the egg split down the sides and the pup spilled onto the floor.

I won't do the whole paragraph since I don't know anything about the sack, and this is a review not a rewrite (obviously you can do this any way you want. This is just an example), but I hope this gives you an idea.

For the writing itself, I notice your chapter cuts to other dragons very fast. This is mildly confusing, so you might want to ease into that transition slower so the reader isn't wondering how they ended up there so fast.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like the concept, but for a chapter one it doesn't give me the faintest clue what the plot is. Possibly about proving one's worth, but that is a bit sketchy. Maybe proving why fire doesn't make the dragon, or how they can get fire later in their lives? Maybe a war starts, considering this other dragon that doesn't know how to fight thanks to the lack of a father? The possibilities are nearly endless, I do wonder which one you're planning on exploring.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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109
109
for entry "Roman" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: It's nice to meet with Roman as a main character at last. I'm actually surprised he didn't show up sooner because he'd been mentioned before a lot of other characters that have a scene were.

So far I like him, and I'm really curious about what he got Merci. It's also kind of strange that he was allowed to fly that plane, but I guess those details are going to be meant for later because nobody deeply explains to him - and he doesn't seem too worried about asking. I can deal with that.

I'm going to guess - or hope - that once Merci and Roman are together she is finally going to get more into her main character role, and start clearing up a few foggy aspects of the actual plot. Which I'm still making some scratches at figuring out right now. Although I have some connections at this point. Roman feels somewhat like a diversion.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the latter part of this chapter more than the first, and I notice this is the general way with all the chapters I have read so far. I kind of like Roman, as he seems like an intriguing character with a lot of history behind him. He, like Merci, leads an interesting life. Also looks like that life is about to get even more so.


*Moon* Suggestions: As I said above, I notice I'm more of a fan of the latter part of the chapters. Now I know it's chapter ten or so, but I think the reason for this is because of all the new characters introduced, the chapters always start with a lot of exposition. Some of said exposition doesn't really feel helpful to the story at all, and makes it seem like the reader must first trudge quite a distance backwards before they can make any headway to the story they're trying to read now.

I understand the need for backstory, but I'm not sure this is the best way to do it. Obviously you might disagree - and that's okay because it's your story and you're the one that knows it best - but I'm sometimes confused with so many details that it stifles my enjoyment of it somewhat. I like the stuff that's more active, but the backwards reading is tiring at times. I wasn't sure why I was reading about Roman's room when he wasn't in it. Stuff like that.

Although they met only eight days before, an easy bond formed between the two men, which felt like they'd been friends for a lifetime.

The last part of this sentence doesn't sound like it joined up right with the rest of it to me.

It was a bittersweet parting, but their short friendship would harbor memories and bring smiles at every future thought.

Well... this is eloquent. Did it have to be? I feel like that extra is just that: extra. You can leave it if you want, but it makes the rest of the sentence feel unnecessarily heavy.

A side comment that has nothing to do with the writing, but some about the readability: The breaks between scenes are really hard to spot. I had some trouble keeping them straight as a result of this. Just something to think about.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Like some of the others before it, this chapter is better on a second pass than the first one. I'm starting to get a grip of what the story is, but by waves I get confused or side-stepped by the other information. I do wonder what the surprise that Roman has for Merci is, and what is going on with her now that her episodes are worse than ever. Or what he'll think when he finds out about that. Or does he know?

Because... y'know... if he knows, he doesn't seem that concerned.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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110
110
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: There is a story here, an idea that needs some filling out before it's readable enough to pass for anything other than a short story. This mother is desperate to hide her son from the soldiers and does her best to pretend she's distressed at the absence of her child.

She hid him in the outhouse - very disgusting - and eventually the soldiers decided they weren't going to find a boy there and left. This does make sense, but it's got a few kinks it could work out. The point is that it has a beginning, middle, and end. That's a good place to start from.

The mother hears rumours about boys being drafted to fight in a war that has taken most of the men.

She has a son and she hides him from the soldiers when they come looking for him.

The soldiers go away, and the mother and son are - presumably - safe.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Well, if I had to pick one thing I would choose the mother and how determined she was to save her son. This makes her more likable, even if she essentially threw her son in the outhouse - the most disgusting place ever - to save him.


*Moon* Suggestions: Clarity is very important, and I feel this story doesn't have enough of it. It's very vague as to what is going on, and some of the sentences end in an unusual way. I have an impression of what is going on, but I'm confused about the specifics. The opening lines are so vague, I'm not sure what to make of them. There is name dropping (giving a character's name without telling anyone who they are), and incomplete sentences. Also some awkward punctuation (or lack thereof).

I can point out a few things, but there's a lot that needs work. I'll focus on one or two things here that can help you out right away. Some of it comes from experience, though.

”If you change your mind, I'll be in the inn” said Slagor to skeptical Denara. She however didn't believe him a word. She thought that he was some kind of scam. She have never seen soldier nor wizard. Not in her village. Yet Slagor knew, something she didn't.

This mostly tells. It 'tells' us what is going on rather than 'showing' it to us. Probably why I didn't quite comprehend what was going on. It's not even a strong beginning, but lets see what we can do to remedy that. I'll give you an idea, though I still don't know who Slagor really is so I'll have to guess.

Slagor slammed his mug down with enough force to slosh some ale over the sides. "If you change your mind, I'll be at the inn," he said (we would generally say 'at' instead of 'in' when referring to inns to spare confusion) to the young woman.

Denara, a twenty-nine year old widow narrowed her eyes. There were no wizards or soldiers in this village, and there never had been as long as she'd been there. She turned away from him. Slagor was just like all the others, a lying thief trying to squeeze an honest penny from a poor woman.

That's just an idea of what you can do to change this.

Next, I'm really surprised the widow and her son had time to hold such a long conversation and get the boy to the outhouse without the soldiers noticing. Either they're incredibly unobservant or they were farther away than I thought, because that gave them an awful lot of time. Normally I'd expect the soldiers to burst right in. You could use that moment of panic as tension in the story. That would be a good thing.

Even in outlying villages like the one, Denara was living in.

There is no need for a comma there. It's a complete thought, and it doesn't need clarifying. The comma just confuses the matter, so take it out.

“Tankor!?” he didn't respond. She went straight to his bed. There he was sleeping.

This is telling the story rather than showing it. You might try something like:

"Tankor!" she cried, her voice hoarse with fear.

He didn't respond. Panic seized Denara's heart. She snatched her patched shawl off the foot of her bed and ran for the door, throat tight with terror. What if they took him already? Could they have done that without waking her?

The door's latch seemed to resist her attempts at opening it. She forced her shaking fingers to work and managed to make her way inside. Relief formed a lump in her throat. Tankor was still there. Still sleeping.

I'm not entirely sure what you had in mind for the scene, but I hope I got the gist of it.

“You” one of soldiers approached Denara confidently.

Or: "You, woman." One of the soldiers swaggered towards Denara.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Needs a lot of work, but if you keep trying it will improve. Remember that nobody starts from the top, and it's a long road to being polished enough for publication. I'm still working on it myself, so I can testify to that. You've got the parts of the story down, but you have to concentrate on making what is on the paper - in this case the screen - clear so that the readers can understand what they're looking at. It's always easier for the writer to guess what he meant than the reader, so it has to be understandable.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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111
111
for entry "The Watchers" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts in a completely different location than the one before it, so I was momentarily confused when I started to read. I'm guessing this is where Merci and her uncle were turned aside years ago, and the same place that the prologue mentioned. Like before, I'm not really 100% sure about anything.

I'm introduced to a bunch of new characters, and I'm not sure why. What happened to the retired soldiers from earlier? I found myself wondering what all these new people were for.

Though Merci is the main character, I'm going to hazard a guess and say this mysterious island and its barrier are really the stars of the novel. So far Merci's just been rather mysterious and seeking all kinds of help for a condition of sorts that she has. I'm assuming this also has to do with the island barrier. Something really weird is going on seemingly worldwide, and she seems to be one of the few human beings mentioned in the entire story that isn't sure what that is. Yet she also is, I'm guessing, deeply related to it.

I can see a few connections, I'm just not quite sure why they're being drawn from so many characters. I'm curious to see how this will work later on in the story, though.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the whole concept behind this particular place the humans can't go, but everyone else can. It's interesting to see how they're going to such lengths to investigate it, and are making some small steps in the direction of progress. I especially liked the very last part of this chapter because it adds so much intrigue, and is much clearer than the first part was.

I can't help but notice that I highlight the wordy stuff I didn't like so much, so I'll just point out one or two of the things I DID like so you can get kind of an idea of what feels like it's most important to me while I'm reading this.

Inside the hangar, and further concealed with Cammo netting, sat two Sikorsky/Boeing RAH-66 Comanche attack helicopters.

Liked the description of these helicopters. I feel they're going to be pivotal in the story somewhere, so it didn't come across as one big distraction to have them brought up.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think the thing that bothers me the most is how many characters have shown up so far, then randomly - it seems - dropped off the map. I have no clue why the soldier earlier in the novel appeared, but for whatever reason, he's gone now. There's not even the loosest mention of him. My guess is that he probably shows up again later, but some readers might have forgotten him at that point. Come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure I remember his name. In retrospect, I've been slow. Someone who's just reading in one sitting would probably have a better time with it, but it's still something you might want to keep in mind.

A side thought is that the opening to this chapter had me a bit muddled. I'm not even quite sure why, but I'm putting it out so that you're aware of it. Then later I have a lot of description to work through. Most everything seems to be described by two sets of descriptions at least, which is kind of hard to slog through at times. I'm not going to KEEP saying it, but it does tend to jump out at me.

Of course I have sympathy for the newly introduced characters, but I'm wondering what they're all going to be for. Is Merci going to meet all these people?

Lyle's start in this chapter felt really... really slow. Like it was being dragged. Things picked up after he got to his workstation.

The man's expression instantly changed from surly indignation to impending horror, not the kind of horror one would express if a Sasquatch suddenly jumped from behind a tree, but a holy shit, I'm-about-to-meet-Jesus kind of realization.

This comes across as unnecessarily wordy...

Dutifully, Wilson refitted the scuba tank, weight belt, and other dive gear to the body and dropped it in a relatively shallow part of the channel, thirty fathoms to be exact.

But do the readers have to know the exacts of this?

and hoped against hope that he wouldn't trip over his flapping shoe laces.

No need to get wordy about this, I don't think.

The latest iteration of the site had been completed just three years before when the old concrete complex was raised and replaced by modules

Did you mean 'razed'?


*Butterflyb* Overall: Although I was confused when this chapter started and somewhat bored when Lyle stepped in, I was fully attentive to it by the time it ended. So, the beginning was rocky, the middle was a bit iffy, but the ending was good. That's overall. There were a lot of good descriptions, but also a lot of unnecessary ones. Since I don't know which one is which just yet, I'll hold judgement on that. I'm curious to find out what would happen if they do find who they're looking for, or what happens if they don't. Hmm.

Also, really sorry about the delays. I'm either a prize-winning procrastinator, or I'm so busy rewriting my own novel that I somehow get sidetracked. Hopefully the next review will be sooner than this one was.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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112
112
Review of Silent Witness  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: The story of two girls who are similar, and yet leagues apart all at the same time. The main character wants to be the brave, sweet person she knows Terry needs, but she can't make herself stand up against all the people in her class. The others are just painted up as mean. Not hard when you have that much pressure on you.

Terry herself is mouselike. She trembles. She seems to squeak. And yet she turned out to be braver than anyone ever expected. Even if she paid the ultimate price.

To be honest I thought up until the very end of the story that Terry was going to commit suicide. I thought it so much that the ending really took me by surprise. She still passes away, but I think this way her death is more... meaningful somehow. Not as if they just tormented her out of existence.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The tone of this story is superbly consistent. It's sad in a regretful sort of way. The whole time you can practically feel the main character's regret underlying every sentence, even if it isn't explicitly brought up. Nice job.


*Moon* Suggestions: The first paragraphs were where I hit the biggest snags. I wasn't sure who was the main character and thought you'd made a massive slip up point-of-view wise. I read those first lines at least three times before I figured out what actually happened there. You're probably going to have to point out that it's the main character observing that Terry is struggling not to cry rather than saying it as if it's Terry herself feeling that. If you know what I mean.

Mrs. Timbrook slapped her grade book against the chalkboard, CRACK, and yelled.

Why not just say 'with a crack' or 'with a crack that made me jump' rather than just using a sound effect?

The class went silent, but the smirks on their faces remained.

I feel like this sentence is organized kind of bizarrely.

She could hear the whispers. She could feel their convictions.

This is awful specific considering the main character isn't her. Feels like a point of view slip.

I gave her a tiny smile to convey my heartfelt admiration for being able to get thru this moment that has been given to her.

Pardon me, but I think that should be 'through'. Thru sounds like 'drive-thru' and, at least to me, it looks a bit sloppy.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This is a sad, sad story. But in a nicely sad way. My mom is totally against things that make you feel down, but I think there's something beautiful in it sometimes. I could understand the main character's regret, and wish she'd done something along with her. At least she gave her a smile before she died in the fire.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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113
113
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Couldn't help myself but stop by here to read this out of curiosity. I stopped being a teen this year, but I don't recall ever having this many problems with my parents. Probably because I was homeschooled. I don't know.

Otherwise I think you did a fairly good job on capturing what it means to be a teen. Sounds like this particular character is having a difficult time with his parents still treating him like a kid when he doesn't want to be anymore.


*Heart* My Favourite Elements: The first few points were probably my favourite because they were less formal than the latter stuff, and were actually enough to make me smile. His dad running away to Woodstock is funny, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: It's the opening that feels a bit stiff. Possibly on account of the language in it, the words used, or something. I mean, I'm not perfect when it comes to language. I know big or weird words and I love to use them when I can. But, when you're writing a younger person that's probably not the best thing to do. Later on it adds to the fact that he's trying to get someone's attention, but I just don't feel it's quite right at the beginning.

I didn't notice any typos, so that's my only real problem with it.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'd say 'cute', but that seems to be something the main character is trying to avoid, so I won't say it. More like a plea for understanding, and an attempt to explain why that understanding is needed. Really does sound like a teen's problem expressed in writing. Frustrated writing perhaps. Good luck with the contest by the way.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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114
114
for entry "Simene" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts off kind of slow, but picks up when Simene, the geeky computer fellow, shows up with a few gadgets and advice. He also volunteers a listening, sympathetic ear for Merci's troubles. She wanted to do him a favour, too, but his gadget would never have made it past security. Too bad. It sounded cool.

The floating penny is interesting, too. The nature of Merci's episodes are becoming more complex, and starting to make some sort of sense given her recollection of what has happened before.

I found myself honestly wondering why anyone would send messages like that to her and why, but it seems it has something to do with her uniqueness. At least it helps explain why so much attention is drawn to her white skin and weird eyes.

When she visits the twins, their curious responses answer a few questions, but bring more of them to light as well. Merci will have something to think about while she is busy with Rho.

I am also wondering about that phone call telling her to go to the twins. Seems he was really desperate for her to go, but it also gave me the impression he didn't want whoever it was with him to know about it. Or is that just me?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like this chapter better than the other two I just read - well, just is being generous - because it seems to be moving somewhere rather than stopping every few sentences to admire the scenery. I think giving Merci someone to interact with helped a lot. I really feel like it moved the plot. I didn't get that feeling from the others so much.


*Moon* Suggestions: I don't object to backstory on Simene. In fact, that was one of those heavy descriptions that were in a good place even if it slowed the pace down quite a bit. However the subtle Point of View shift was more disconcerting. One minute I followed through Merci's eyes, the next Simene took over. Up until this moment nothing of that kind had happened before. Once again, I have no problem with more than one main character, but there should be some distinction as to when they swap views. Otherwise the readers may start getting confused.

Might also have made Simene mention how he felt something weird a few too many times.

I feel like the twins were significant, but the tension of the meeting and the oddness of it somehow felt... skimmed? I'm not really sure why, but it just didn't give quite the impact I felt it could have. Might just be me, but might as well keep it in mind.

He pulled a devise from each pocket of his cargo pants and placed them face up on the table.

Device*. You had it right in the very next sentence, though, so I guess it was just a typo.

A rush of excitement increased Merci's pulse by several octaves.

Not strictly wrong, but as a student in music when I hear 'octave' I think pitch. Not speed. Tempo is speed.

Her hands went to her mouth in the involuntary, yet universally feminine, gesture of shock.

I'm not sure this is just feminine... I've seen my brothers do this gesture before. It just doesn't quite fit in. Maybe just: Her hands went to her mouth in an involuntary gesture of shock.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like this chapter better. It feels tighter. More focused. This makes it easier to read, and puts some pretty interesting stuff on the table. Merci still sounds like the master of all things, though. She has to be really rotten at doing something somewhere in here. Or at least have some kind of phobia. Just a thought.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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115
115
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Reincarnation starts off this tale, and the ways the main character Robert begins to learn about his world a second time. He starts out as a baby, then a toddler, then a boy about to go to a school that doesn't want him anyway. First chance they get the kids pick a fight with him - which they lose - and the teachers blame Robert. This leads to them booting him out and sending him home in disgrace. Never to come back.

So his mother teaches him instead. I guess she didn't really expect things to go any differently. I'm not entirely sure, but it seems like Robert opens up the main point of the story when he asks if the map is complete. Really. What is beyond there?

Then they are attacked during the night by two mysterious rogues. Funny enough, though, that they don't seem to want anything in particular except a fight. Robert's mother provides enough of a distraction for her son to escape into the woods. I guess this is where the real story begins.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the opening best because it really is quite grabbing. To have a 'dead' narrator explaining why one wouldn't want to die is really very different. I think I might have heard of something similar before, but I can't recall so I'll just leave it at that. It's not what I expected.


*Moon* Suggestions: Now for the nitty-gritty stuff. Take your time here.

I like the opening fine. The very beginning where he goes through death and his choosing of a new form. However, I found my interest lacking when he restarted his life as a baby. I wondered if it were really necessary, and I didn't get the feeling of intriguing plot. Though the opening held me captive, it's follow-up did not.

One of the most important details of writing a story - any story really, but novels especially - is that you introduce something of the plot as soon as possible. I didn't see any real evidence of a plot in the first two - three thousand words. It showed up just at the end, which - if you want my honest opinion - is probably way too late to hang onto the bulk of your readers. You don't want only those people who have nothing better to do but warm up to a book.

So to remedy that I can suggest (emphasis on suggest, it's your story) that you start later on. I don't mean to skip the part about the main character being dead. That could stay and make sense with everything already present. But start closer to when the actual plot begins.

My next point will be the characters themselves. As a reader, I'd like to connect with the character. Feel something about them. Identify with a feeling or a mood. I didn't really feel anything strong from this character. Did he want to be accepted, or does he find the other kids annoying and rather be left alone? Does he long for anything, like escape from his narrow-minded village? To see what nobody else has? Anything?

I was also really surprised that he experienced absolutely no conflict whatsoever when faced with abandoning his mother, the only person who truly loved him.

Some points I have picked up that might be helpful are these:

What does your character WANT that won't necessarily make them happy, but they think WILL and strive for?

What does your character actually NEED? This is the thing that really will make them happy, but they don't always realize it. It can be just about anything, and you don't necessarily have to decide right away. But it's something to think about.

What makes your character want what he wants and not what he needs?

Even if you don't fill in all these, they're points worth mulling over at least a bit. Not everyone uses the same formula, but it's always fun to look at them.

In the end I'm still not sure where this story is going now that Robert is leaving civilization. His first task would be to survive.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Has some interesting points, but does require some shining up. That's okay and don't feel discouraged. Even the best writers need to polish things. The formatting was a bit weird to read and there may have been a few typos. But I think you're best off focusing on these main points I've brought up first. I don't mean to discourage you, and please don't take it that way. I think you can make this a good story, you just need to tighten it up.

Sorry this took so long. Been crazy around here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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116
116
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

*Wand* Another review from your win at the Spell Shop.

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Starts out kind of slow, which is surprising considering that Merci's just had a fairly bad shock. She eventually decides - or so it seems - to forget about it and goes off to re-read some of her journals. I found myself, the entire time, wondering what in the world was so important about this particular journal entry. At the time it seemed a bit out of place.

As the story goes on, Merci's entire history is brought into better focus, including that secret lab thing she has that her grandmother showed her a ways back. I considered Merci more of a loner, like the odd one out, but she does have friends. Just none of them are present right now.

I was kind of disappointed that the issue of her blankets being written on didn't seem to raise much of a reaction out of her. Before the chapter ended it felt as if she'd completely forgotten about it. As a result, I nearly had as well. Probably not something you want here...


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Nice descriptions, good set up for... something. I'm not sure what. I actually like the fact that she keeps journals (more on this later though), and I'm interested in her secret lab thing. I didn't think of her as the type to keep a secret lab. I guess there's a lot more to Merci than I thought.


*Moon* Suggestions: Right at the start I feel like this chapter could kick off with a bit more impact. She's in shock. She could be pacing about and running her fingers through her hair, aimlessly wondering what she should do or if she should do anything. Instead she's just sitting there staring. It doesn't quite seem right considering this has never happened before.

It's also amazing that with all the details thrown at the reader in the first chapter with Merci, her boyfriend is never once mentioned. I'd think he'd be kind of important enough to be hinted at?

What really gets me here is that not only is the beginning rather slow, but the ending isn't very compelling either. The chapter doesn't really feel like it does much for the plot, either. Though as of now I'm a bit unsure what the actual plot is, to be honest.

I still think your descriptions are excellent, though I do wonder what the point of describing a lot of this stuff is. When I was tired yesterday night it was putting me to sleep on my keyboard. That's not something you want. I'm not even sure if I missed a sentence or a paragraph as a result, hence why I scanned over it so many times.

Looking back, I feel like you're trying to open something else into the story that probably will be relevant later on, but doesn't feel at home with the overall theme already set up. Maybe she could be quite disturbed by the blanket writing and go through her daily routine in a distracted sort of way. Then, I believe she's going to meet this Simene person, so perhaps he could call her to confirm that they're still on for their meeting? Just a thought.

It may be my perception of this, but I can't help but feel like the flow is interrupted because of another plot thread trying to jump into the pool too early.

obviously excited about foraging with his adored benefactor.

If it is so obvious, then it shouldn't need to say it is.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Like Merci says right in the beginning, this chapter needs a bit more focus. I feel like there are three points struggling for supremacy here: the blanket message (which gets drowned), Simene and the lab, and Merci's boyfriend. The journal feels like a detour. At least one of these themes should be predominant so they're not obviously fighting all over the page. I felt the other chapters were tighter than this, so I was a bit surprised at the change.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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117
117
for entry "Dead Soldiers" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts with a soldier of sorts, a military man, drinking and dreaming in his home. At first it comes off as inconsequential, but as the chapter goes on he is phoned by someone he didn't expect to hear from again. I didn't think 'wiry' when I first noted the main character, but you brought that impression around later on. I'm kind of surprised that his decorum wasn't mentioned earlier rather than later, or at least his general build rather than his collection of empty bottles, but it's REALLY up to you.

This chapter has a lot of flashbacks, then later proceeds on without any more. It might be best to break it off into two chapters like you suggested to do. It would help space apart the moods.

That aside I still feel kind of clueless as to where the chapter is going by the time I reach the end of it. I'm not quite sure what their mission is. But as I have suggestions, I'll just put those below.

I'm not sure what to expect from this character. A lot of action? A few horrible mistakes?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: This character is definitely distinct from Merci. There was no way I could confuse one for the other. I also like the twist from his obvious degradation - because he's been off duty for so long - and the sudden call back to action. He doesn't seem excited or upset about it, but kind of hovers somewhere in between. It's hard to say if he's looking forward to it or not.


*Moon* Suggestions: I don't think this chapter starts quite in the right spot. The flashbacks were also kind of disjointed in my mind as I was reading through it. This isn't the first chapter so the hook doesn't need to be quite as grabbing, but the first few chapters DO make or break the interest of a reader. Instead of starting with that dead-end description, why don't you pull his dialogue ahead of it, then - if it's still necessary - put the description in afterward.

His team - I notice - is with him at first, then seems to mysteriously disappear somewhere.

I've read in many places that 'saying less' is probably better. Using the least amount of words possible so your reader doesn't go to sleep behind the wheel. To quote an agent: "Why say “a grin wiggled and danced across her face” if “she grinned” would suffice?" This is something important you might want to remember.

I guess I can point out a few examples to give you an idea (these are only suggestions, because only you'll know if something NEEDS to be mentioned. Don't delete anything important *Smile*)

The man’s eyes moved under pallid lids, dodging back and forth like trapped insects trying to escape.

Why couldn't this just be: The man's eyes dodged back and forth under pallid lids. It's far more concise, and it gets the same message across.

I think you probably get the idea, so I won't beat you over the head with it any longer.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I think the ending of the chapter is fairly good. It's got the cliff-hanger feel without being too pushy about it. I'm not thinking every chapter in existence has to end perfectly, but it's definitely worth trying. The chapter could have had more impact as a whole though, I felt that the motions of it were a bit drowned like the previous chapter was.

Someone once said every writer starts out leaning in one direction or another. Some start with way too much dialogue (this was me), and some start with way too much description. It takes time to balance these two out.

I'm sorry this took so long. I've got a lot of edits to do myself, so everything is taking longer.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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118
118
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: That huge paragraph set me off when I first saw it. I didn't want to wade through that to figure out what was going on, and wondered if it could be broken up somehow. However, since I didn't have anything else to review at the moment, I stuck around to read it anyway.

I think I got a decent idea what was going on, but since I was so confused by the end I'm not entirely sure. I'll address this lower down.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's a nice - nice in the sense that it's interesting not that what happened here - theme going on. It ends in a warm, fuzzy/sad sort of way. I have no idea how else to say that, but I hope you get my point.


*Moon* Suggestions: This is a real-life event, so I understand why you wouldn't be interested in a full disclosure, nor do I expect one. However I don't really comprehend the situation in it's full light. I feel like you gave an extremely vague overview and expect everyone to understand exactly how touching it was from that alone. If we didn't 'get' the situation, we can't possibly 'get' the impact of the ending.

Another thing that kind of got me is how disjointed it is. The introduction, which only vaguely introduced the story, and the letter - which wasn't led up to hardly at all - and the song, which also didn't really feel like it gelled. This is probably the worst problem (unless you count massive paragraphs being a turnoff for some people). The story does not flow.

As I've said, I understand this really happened, and it's personal so you don't want to reveal everything. But remember, it's very difficult for the reader to understand the depth of the meaning as a result because we never understood the hurt that came before it. You're only telling us. That's hard to relate to.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I can see some real potential here, but it's a bit stifled because of the awkward way this story flows. If it's possible the story needs to be melded better, and you should show what happened more than tell it. The song lyrics might be important, but they feel out of place the way they're stuck on the end. The letter doesn't feel like an important enough part of the story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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119
119
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: The formatting put me off at first, but the story had a certain charm to it, so I decided to stay and read the rest. Besides, I didn't expect the horse to be the main character.

Then the horse, upon figuring out what his rider want, takes him to see the white horseand set both of them free. The main character stays behind, and I suppose he goes home. His job there is done, and it is a good ending.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The horse he's riding is very intelligent, and knew about what the human rider wanted without being asked. He guessed through what was being said, then took him right where he wanted to go. The old man likewise seemed to know the horse could understand him once he'd met up with Victoria.


*Moon* Suggestions: Obviously my first suggestion would be the formatting, as double-spacing the paragraphs would make it easier to read. Some separation from the title might be nice, too. I didn't realize I was reading a title and not some weird opening line at first.

A very old man rode his horse along the North Sea coast of Belgium. “I must find Victoria,” he informed the horse, who nodded his head.

Those are words that seem unnecessary (I personally have a bone to pick with 'nodded his/her head). Just change 'a' to 'an' for the old man.

The horse than understood:

Should be 'then'. Than does stuff like this: She had more than I did.

Victoria looked angry.

How does she look angry? Does she paw the ground with one hoof, lower her head, and snort?


*Butterflyb* Overall: This is actually a very pretty story. Seems the horse was willing to forgive her master from those ages ago, although there is no mention of her reaction when he approaches her. I guess she just let him come. The other horse watches them go, and I'm supposing he went home. As I said, it does have a beautiful feel.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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120
120
for entry "Merci" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts out with decent action and a lot of stress for the newly introduced main character, Merci. She's got nightmares - or episodes - of some kind that haven't happened in a long time, and are apparently starting up again. She also has a pet cat that can sense whatever is causing her episodes.

The pacing feels alternately very slow, thanks to the lengthy descriptions, and really fast when she's in the middle of the flashback scenes. In the end the chapter reverts back to a slow pace perhaps slower even than what was considered slow before, until she notices she wrote something into her blanket.

Then her whole episode takes on a new dimension, and immediately links back to the prologue.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Merci is definitely interesting in herself. She's got a few unusual differences about her, such as a few heightened senses and very pale skin. This kind of made me smile, because I've been called very pale myself (and I am). It's something people WILL notice about you.


*Moon* Suggestions: My biggest issue with this chapter becomes painfully evident the more I read into it. I appreciate good descriptions, and I like how every little detail about Merci's home is thought about in great depth... but my point is just that. There is too much information in this chapter, and it's drowning away the urgency that opened it. In fact, I began to feel like I was being pelted with description after description, like being thrust into a really noisy room and being expected to make sense of everything.

Maybe it would be better to stagger these descriptions over a few chapters and omit the ones that aren't necessary.

I felt like the chapter had a good arc, but was presented too slowly and used too many words to get it's point across. First chapters are generally there to introduce the reader to a character and a problem. It's also supposed to be what grabs the readers into the story and doesn't let them go. You had a strong start - maybe not strictly in the first sentence - in that her episode started again for no apparent reason. Following this, she discovers the words she wrote into her blanket and it confirms that something very strange is going on.

But between was thick. Too thick. I could have forgotten why everything else was urgent. Merci does a lot of thinking, but it doesn't all seem relevant to her situation.

Alas, the insomnia persisted, encouraging the flood of memories and, of course, the whispers.

I think this sentence is too stylized. It doesn't feel like something you'd run into in a more modern-age story, no matter what kind of person Merci is. This is just coming from the narrator. I don't think it fits, and it never shows up again.

Merci shambled from her bedroom,

This just sounded odd to me.

Water pooled around her navel, where a vivid green and red dragon seemed to grapple for purchase as it emerged from a dark pool onto an arctic ice flow, sparking the memory of her father granting permission to have an aging Chinese ink artist affix the colorful image to her taut nine-year-old belly-button.

Long sentence up there, and I'm not sure what possible relevance this has to the story yet. It's probably best to save things like this for later, when their purpose is more clear. And the repetition of how pale she is feels overdone.

Still dripping and feeling a little less victimized, Merci wandered back into the house. Near the bed, her bloodhound sense of smell detected a strange odor, its strident tang overpowering even the disinfectant. She inhaled deeply. "Lanolin," she whispered. Saddle soap. The aromatic hydrocarbons were unmistakable. She applied the KIWI waterproofing grease on her hiking boots a few days ago.

I mean this in the best possible way, but... what does this have to do with anything that just happened in this chapter? She wrote with this on the blanket, I suppose, but why do we need to know about the boots?


*Butterflyb* Overall: Mostly I'd say to be careful about beating the reader over the head with descriptions. In this first chapter I'd advise keeping these to a barer minimum. Your character doesn't have to take inventory of what is around her, list every smell, or point out how everything feels just like something else. I doubt she'd refer to herself as a pig rooting out truffles. Why would anyone?

Obviously you're the only one - right now - that knows how many of these descriptions will become relevant later on, and I'd advise cutting as many as make sense to remove. They're making this story harder to read through than necessary. Even if the plot is obviously progressing, so much of this can make it seem like it's hit a standstill.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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121
121
for entry "Prologue" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


This is part of your package from the Spell Shop. *Wand*

*Star* First Impressions: I think the opening here is beautiful and well-described. I could definitely see the image of this whole scene in my mind as it unfolded. The terror. The panic. The sound of waves. I was definitely there. There were a few jarring moments where I felt the description was more 'telling' than 'showing', but they were rather mild.

Mikhail is the character featured here as his ship is torn apart by waves, then flung onto a rocky shoreline. In his waves of consciousness I get a really vague idea where he is, like I'm almost as confused as the character is.

At the end, he drifts away and the prologue ends. A very snappy prologue, all said and done.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The descriptions were definitely excellent, though since there isn't any dialogue it has no real competition. The pacing is steady throughout, somewhere between too slow and too fast. Lukewarm, in the end. I kind of like the surreal way it comes to a close, though. Like there's something that nobody understands, least of all the main character.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm not quite sure the opening line is strong enough. Just 'The tempest raged' sounds very definite. My first thought was something like "Yeah... so what?". Probably not the case for everyone, but it was definitely mine. It's something to think about.

After reading this I think the main problem with it - and again remember that these ARE just suggestions - is that there are too many '-ly' endings. I can point out a few to show what I mean.

The girl was olive-skinned, her nose slightly flat.

-The sinews in the man’s arms stood out like braided rope as his physically impressive stature loomed over the girl.

He exuded confidence, unmistakably a powerful leader of men.

There were more higher up, but those are just an example.

A side comment: There is no reason for the narrator to be so uncertain. The word 'almost' should have 'almost' no place in a story. Makes things unnecessarily heavy, too.

More things I noticed (and we go back to the top)

It was a disquieting sound.

One sentence that made me wince as soon as I saw it. I just can't like this line. How is it disquieting?

The sound of wooden beams twisting and snapping with a terrible crunch began to overpower the crashing surf.

This read off strange to me.

blooming with summer yellow lupine and blazing red Fireweed.

Maybe omitting 'red' would be good. I don't see that it's necessary, since you said 'blazing'. That made me think red.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Confusing a bit, but somehow very centered in it's point. I feel like it's definitely setting the stage for something, but I have no idea just what. Since it's the prologue I usually chalk it up as "I will find out what all this means later" and move on. Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm curious how everything here is supposed to relate to the proposed main character in the synopsis. There are no hints, after all.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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122
122
Review of Almost  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Mindy is hanging out in a bar with her friends one night, when she meets a man named Tony. They hit it off really well and dance together, getting along perfectly. Then when he's ready to leave, she is encouraged to give him a kiss before she does. It's in that moment that she realizes she really, really likes this particular man.

But she leaves anyway, and failed to take any notice of his last name, or his contact information. Seems like she'll never see him again.

From there the story takes a skip to where Mindy is annoyed because of something her grandmother said, and her grandfather is reprimanding her for her behaviour towards the woman. Mindy doesn't strictly apologize, but she's obviously still thinking about the 'one that got away'.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The first half is better because the story has a feeling of flow the latter half doesn't seem to have. I like the reference that the two of them have very little in common, but seem to get along great anyway. They say opposites attract. I guess in their case, that's true.


*Moon* Suggestions: Mostly I noticed typographical errors, and I'll point some out below. But first I want to address the point of the story. What is it? I don't feel like the bottom half connects very well with the first one. She meets a guy she likes, and when the second half comes around I half-expected him to come walking through the door by some amazing coincidence. Instead she gets a mini-lecture, and apparently gets nowhere further than she was after that night. It leaves the reader feeling kind of... Oh. Think a disappointed... oooooh... that's the end?

Mindy angled the rear-view mirror to apply the a splash of lipstick. She pressed her lips together to spread the lipstick evenly across her lips as she and her girlfriends had been doing since they first learned to wear makeup.

This sentence - typo aside - is very repetitive. Lipstick and Lips both make two appearances, and in very similar sentences. Perhaps it would be better if you tried something like: Mindy angled the rear-view mirror to apply a splash of lipstick, and pressed her lips together to smooth it... I think you get the idea.

One by one, Mindy watched her friends hit the dancefloor. She felt a tap on her shoulder and thought she was being invited to the dancefloor.

Rather than saying this, you could try and give the impression that she thinks she's being invited to the dancefloor. If that's what she wants, she could get a little bubble of excitement in her stomach. A thrill speed up her heart. Something to indicate that she thinks she's about to get what she wants. Then the freefall of anger and disgust when she realizes who it really is.

Her enemy shrugged and rose to his full 5’10 height and walked in a somewhat straight line out of the club.

This height measurement seems oddly specific. Did Mindy take out a measuring tape to figure this out, or was it written on his coat somewhere. An idea: Don't add any descriptions that your narrator can't know about. She could, perhaps, guess at his height. But nothing precise like this.

The band had stopped while Mindy was backing off the fool, but was starting to get loud again.

I understand what this means after my third read-through on it. You might want to clarify who the fool is that she was backing off, because it almost sounded like she was about to give Tony the cold shoulder.


*Butterflyb* Overall: That all being said, it was a decent read. I feel the ending could have been stronger, and maybe the purpose of the whole thing clearer, but - as I said - it had some good elements. I still feel like the main character was on the very edge of her casting at the end. I was introduced to her as a bit of a hard-lined girl set out to enjoy herself at a party - so on, but at the end I see she might be more fun-loving and softer around the edges. Just a touch on the 'huh' side, but not so much as to be distracting. Something to think about.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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123
123
Review of LoveSick  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This story started out on a pretty strong note as the character in question - real or not I do not know - goes out of his way to get the attention of a girl he's got a terrible crush on. She, as far as he's concerned, is the most beautiful, perfect girl in existence.

So when he runs into her later and a particular song comes on... Connie comes along his way with a smile and a 'hi'. Seems they could get along just great if he could just get the confidence to ask her out.

But when he does...

She says no.

This is, to the main character, a crushing sort of defeat because everyone else seemed to have no problem getting a date with her. But instead of curling up into a ball, he accepts and moves on. Even if nothing else gets him the same way she did once upon a time.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Just after the opening paragraph was the best. I could really get into the main character's head and see things from his perspective. You have a good voice when writing, and a believable way to describe this mysterious emotion known as 'awe'. I could understand how he felt.


*Moon* Suggestions: This story seems to start off in a bumpy sort of way. Although it is important that his age at the time be stated, being so precise is almost detrimental. I don't really know why it's even in the first paragraph.

With that beginning out of the way, the story actually progresses very nicely. As in, the character's voice is clear and even quite interesting. The girl in question really could be seen as a superb, elevated person because of the way he sees her as well.

But her rejection line is just so underwhelming. Maybe too unimportant, as well. It sounded to me like the whole story pivoted around this point, and it just didn't have that powerful impact like it should have. Maybe getting her to actually say it, and under the circumstances required to make it more important, it would have the necessary oomph. I can't say the philosophical ending was bad, but it seemed to leech from your original point.

I am looking at Connie walking towards me along with 2 other girls all wearing winter jackets,

Should be spelled out as 'two' since it is below 100.

Why did I not know that ?

I noticed you did this a few times, but you don't need to put any spaces between sentences and their punctuation. It just looks disjointed.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This story has a lot of potential, but right now it feels like the ending isn't quite focused enough. I think you tried to draw too much attention from the lesson that was to be learned from a painful rejection. I was into the story until that point, and afterwards started to want to move on. The last line in itself wasn't so bad, it was just how it led up to it. It's something to keep in mind.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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124
124
Review of Dragon whispers  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This is a cute story about a girl and her stuffed friend. Mary believes her mother doesn't love her as much as she used to, and takes her complaints to an understanding dragon teddy of Toothless.

The mother doesn't want her to stay up all night talking, and I know she didn't because she finally dozed off at the very end of the story. There's no definite statement as to where or not Mary started to understand why her mother pulls away from her a bit more, but I think she will. Toothless will help her until - if - she grows beyond him.

The whole story has a kind of nostalgic 'aaww' feeling that reminds me when I used to have tons of teddy bears to keep me company.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Toothless begins talking to her. That's the best part, though he did have rather awkward timing. But the sentiment was really nice. There's something to a story that can make you feel something.


*Moon* Suggestions: I feel like there's something lacking in this story somewhere, and I'm not entirely sure what it is. The thing that comes to mind when I think about it, is that the mother does behave as the daughter's comments to her dragon indicate, but she doesn't seem to feel anything like that when the perceived 'rejection' is taking place. A bit more feeling in those moments might be helpful.

I just think the ordering could be different here. Instead of: Mary's mom walked past the door and turned on the light. Her mom looked at her, and scolded, "Stop delaying your bedtime"

Mary nodded. "Yes, Mommy."

"I thought I heard you say something."

It could be: Mary's mom walked past the door and turned on the light. Her mom looked at her, and asked, "Was that you?"

"I didn't say anything mommy."

"Stop delaying your bedtime..." (ect)

Sometimes swapping the order can make a huge difference.

A slight thing that got my attention was the fact that Mary's thoughts were just put out as regular dialogue. Even if they were said "Like this", perhaps slanting them would still be a good idea, and would give some difference between her and the dragon. Just a thought.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I actually kind of like this, though I can't say I'm a huge fan of children's stories (who won't read one now and then though?), but this was definitely worth looking into. The Toothless teddy bear seems to have a lot of wisdom for a creature made entirely out of stuffing. He seems to be concerned with whatever is bothering Mary, and so far he's been very helpful. I wonder if he can fly.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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125
125
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: The owl is the first creature that's brought up in this piece, and she makes an impressive entrance by way of that description. The dog isn't so well described, but his accent was easy to visualize.

As a first impression, my first was definitely a good one. That's why I stuck around to read the rest of it. The description states that this is a cat that's trying to smooth out the differences, and the purring near the end was the best indication of it.

The disagreement and insults were very well done, even if I wasn't precisely sure what they were disagreeing over.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The descriptions of the owl's appearance and the dog's accent were very nice. I got a very good mental image of what these animals looked like, and how annoyed they both were. The dog in an active, snarling sort of way. The owl in a passive 'I am better than you' way.


*Moon* Suggestions: Thing is, I felt like the descriptions were practically the only backbone to a lot of this. The cat, for instance, I didn't really 'see'. If it weren't for the mention of his purr near the end or the description, I might not have guessed he even was a cat. He also seems rather undisturbed that his allies are breaking off.

"This business of turning heads," said the Don, his eyes meeting those of similar shape and color in Hitomi the Owl's, "turning them in 360 degrees, is not welcome to my ears."

I'm not sure I understand the message here, and it might be just me. But I'm just pointing it out as something to keep in mind.

I didn't notice much else that could use attention. No spelling mistakes or anything. But on a slight side note, was the word count and fact that it's a contest entry required for the title? It kind of makes it look a bit sloppy.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting use of the prompt, and I wish you the best of luck with the contest. These animals certainly have a great deal of character. I don't know what's supposed to happen from here. I guess the cat and the owl aren't great friends either. Then again, the dog has already broken off. I guess that's just open for the imagination.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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