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1,259 Public Reviews Given
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Review Style
IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
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126
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: I've never gone to school - least of all in China - but this was certainly an interesting way to start. It's actually kind of funny, but understandable at the same time. They see their teacher - in this case you, as I'm thinking this is a story based on reality - and absolutely freak out.

The panic that ensues is epic. The parents struggle to convince their children the strange 'creature' is harmless, and the lack of belief on part of the kids themselves... I can imagine that chaotic scene pretty well.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The slow, deliberate way the first kid stares. Then the others turn to look at what he's staring at. I could easily picture that sort of scene unfolding as the terrified kids realize there's something very unusual and frightening in the room with them. And they don't know what it is.


*Moon* Suggestions: One of the major stumbling blocks in this story is that the first two words are 'it was'. These are not words you want to open with. They're weak, and they're cliche. You're going to want to open it a different way. No 'it had' either.

Maybe a bit more definition on the ensuing chaos would be in order. Less 'was', too, might bring this into better focus. 'Was' is a weak word and does nothing to describe. You can swap it for almost anything else (but there are cases where it can be used, my motto is 'the less the better'. That way you can use it without guilt when it's necessary).

It's face was sprinkled with tiny brown dots (freckles) and it had long, fuzzy brown hair.

You could try to spice this up like: Tiny brown dots sprinkled across its face, and long fuzzy brown hair tumbled around its shoulders.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Sounds like one boisterous first day! I wonder how long it took them to warm up to their alien invader teacher. Or how long it took them to realize that the said creature was their teacher at all. I'd never thought about how secluded some of those children might have been, but now that I think about it... it must have been truly terrible for them to see such a bizarre human being.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Henry - the father of a boy named Simon - sneaks into his son's room one day to search for evidence to incriminate him with. Most of what Simon has is in direct relation to the farm they live on, but there is one thing in his drawer that is a little black box. This he is not supposed to own, and his father is a bit of a tyrant and is perfectly ready to take it away.

Simon puts up with it briefly. His mother is only vaguely defending him, and they have done this little dance for years. Simon is tired of it and ready to move on by himself. Especially when he discovers they're selling the farm. In the very last line, it says he leaves without looking back, and with no intentions of ever coming back to his parents again.

I thought it sounded serious, but I never guessed that it might be that serious.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The way the story opened was the best part. I didn't realize that it was a father sneaking into his son's room at first, but whatever he was doing sounded interesting. So I stuck around. Just his creeping about made me decidedly curious.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although I feel like I should know what this black box is, I have only the vaguest of ideas and feel somewhat cheated that it was never explicitly stated. That's just a minor complaint though.

Really what gets me is how they're selling the farm. That statement came so out of the blue - tactlessly and all - that I was truly taken aback by it. Of all the things I expected to come out of her mouth, that was not it. It just seemed kind of inappropriate since they were obviously on a different subject earlier.

The trouble of how it's presented is only my first complaint with it. After all, Simon seems horrified that his father and mother would just fling the farm aside when it had been their family's property for at least two generations. He seems about ready to give his dad a speech.

But to my surprise, he went on to complain that he never liked the farm and hated the work involved in it. I, from this, can only conclude that the story is having some small conflicts within itself. This is kind of detracting from the reading experience, even if this is only for the prep.

It also seems kind of strange that his parents would just allow him to walk off like that. Even if they didn't care about him, they do seem to care about the matter of respect. What Simon said there was anything but respectful. Takes away from the impact immensely.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So this has a few problems, but it's not so terrible. I did get the impression of a very sorrowful, conflicted boy who is trapped in what he perceives to be a cage of sorts. He has few friends, and has trouble even seeing them. His parents don't seem to care about him. All they want is to take away the one thing that gave him some slivers of enjoyment. I don't know what's supposed to happen from here, but I wish Simon well while he's at it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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Review of Awakening  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: At first I had no clue what I was reading about and had to pass it over again to make sure I wasn't getting something horribly mixed up. I realize now that you're writing about a tree - or this is my impression - which is 'woken up'. I have no idea why about that waking up part, but I did follow the descriptions all right once I figured out what I was reading about.

The story pretty much shows how the tree is 'woken up' and follows a lady to some other place. I'm not even sure where. I don't think that's necessarily important though, because what you're doing is painting a scene rather than writing a complete short story. These things can always turn into short stories later though, if that's what you really want.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: You did have some really nice, delicate - if I may use that word - descriptions that brought out your scene into a nice light. It wasn't hard to picture what I was trying to look at, except for my vague misunderstanding of his 'tree' self originally.


*Moon* Suggestions: I had a few questions as the story went on. For instance:

Why did this beautiful figure wake him up?

What did she turn him into, exactly? A human? Something else?

What is she going to do with him?

That aside I don't feel like the ending was really very strong, either. You might want to think of something more definite than that.

For the technical things of writing I advise cutting back on -ly endings and the word 'was'. These are both weak words and should be used sparingly. Banishing them altogether is not wise either, but try to keep their usage to a minimum. It'll sound better that way, and the story will come more alive.

I am no pro when it comes to grammar. In fact, I think I'm rather bad at it and have done everything I can to study up on it. That being said I do get the distinct impression that you're using way too many commas, and in places that aren't aiding the reading at all. Instead they feel like they're detracting from it and tripping me up.

So you can start by focusing on the 'was' and '-ly' endings, but don't forget about the grammatical problems.

The sound of Her voice was more beautiful than that of the early spring bluebirds, as they celebrated the coming of the warm weather.

First, the H in 'Her' shouldn't be capitalized there. I am also pretty sure that sentence doesn't need a comma right there. There's no confusion as to where it's going. Also, instead of saying 'the sound of her voice' you could try something like 'her sweet voice' and give it some character.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Overall it could use some work, but everything has to start from somewhere. You obviously had a mental image in mind as you went through this, and a lot of that translated well to the paper. I got a very good impression of what I was looking at, and it made the experience of reading it more enjoyable. However I did trip over those unnecessary and sometimes misplaced commas. I also didn't quite get the point of it, but I'm willing to accept it at face value. It is a scene being painted, and I definitely saw that scene.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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Review of The Nemesis  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This isn't what I expected from this, that's for sure. I guess I thought of something darker. Not sibling battles.

Kelvin is picked to be a new student's mentor of sorts, and he doesn't like the idea one bit. Problem is, he's not a people person. He's an introvert. Severely introverted. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He just wants to be left alone.

What's worse is that he's got a sister who is also far from ordinary. She wants to be an evil overlord - if girls can be called 'overlords' - and is constantly brushing up on her brother. He doesn't care, but she doesn't stop. The new student is perplexed, maybe a bit alarmed, and asks more questions than Kelvin likes. Which in his case is any questions at all.

He knows what he wants to be, and it isn't an evil overlord. He just wants to do something that has to do with the dead. Not specified. At least they're quiet, though.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: An evil overlord sister? I don't think I've heard of anyone wanting to do that as a career. I know they're not very old to have such desires - nine it says. Still, it made for a pretty entertaining read. I wasn't sure what to make of the act she pulled, but since Kelvin wasn't worried, I couldn't be concerned either.


*Moon* Suggestions: Story wise, I think this is fine, though the opening isn't exactly the most grabbing one out there. I stuck around, so it can't be that bad. Mostly I just have a problem with the excess words you've used. Omitting them would tighten this up.

Kelvin sounds a lot older than nine, but his sister sounds like she's exactly nine. It's kind of weird, and I guess it doesn't strictly need to be mentioned that he's very mature for his age (and quiet).

Kelvin nodded his head at Ray, then turned toward his desk to find something more interesting to do. When he arrived at his destination, he was almost surprised to find that Ray had followed him.

It might also help to change 'at Ray' to 'to Ray' instead, but that's your choice.

Kelvin responded as he crumpled up the note and placed it purposefully in the trash can.

With the word 'placed', I got the impression his motions were very deliberate.


*Butterflyb* Overall: So Kelsey wants to be an evil overlord, and her brother Kelvin just wants to avoid everyone who could talk to him. I talk so much during the day that I don't want to talk to anyone right now either, so I could relate. Even if I didn't I could, I'm sure. They were good characters for the brief span that they were introduced to me.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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Review of To Save a Maiden  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: A short story about a hero who, like most heroes, goes off to rescue a beautiful maiden from her doom. He travels far to get to his destination, and on his way notices many people training for combat and preparing for war. But he's got no time for that and does not question it.

Upon his arrival at Gyra, he is attacked by statues of some kind. He easily vanquishes them and hurries up the tower to save the beautiful woman. Likewise he quickly kills the man who was about to bring the woman to her end.

Only instead of being grateful, she's horrified.

Apparently they weren't killing her just for the sake of it. She'd volunteered to do it to save her people. By powering the statues, she could exchange her one life to redeem the lives of everyone else. Now they're all going to be in big danger.

Calvin leaves, but he's no longer full of pomp and glory. He'll be remembered all right...


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like how it started as a typical 'knight out to save the maiden' type of story, but by the time the end came about the brave hero turned out to be the cause of a massive problem that endangered thousands of people. It was an unexpected plot twist, and I think it worked very well. This is why everyone needs to look before they leap.


*Moon* Suggestions: For the most part I think your story is fine, though it probably needs some grammatical help. I don't know, I'm not much good at grammar myself. There was a bit of repetitive wording as well. That is easier to do something about. I'll point out a few to help you get started.

The crowd roared, yet again, in approval of Sir Calvin’s declaration.

Maybe: The crowd roared its approval for Sir Calvin's declaration.

With the enemies dispatched, Sir Calvin entered the city, charging at full speed towards the castle. As he charged down the street,

One of those should be replaced.

She opened her mouth and with a loud voice screamed,

Saying 'loud voice' and 'screamed' in the same sentence kind of goes without saying. You can't have a quiet scream. Maybe her scream was just horrible, not 'loud'.

I'm only wondering why the ritual couldn't proceed. It has to be a life, but is it strictly a female life? Are there specific rules? Because someone did die up there, and although it wasn't a woman, he did have life. I'm just curious. Maybe there should be a vague explanation as to why it won't work. The knife? Position of the sun/moon?


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not a bad story. I actually enjoyed it quite a lot. It has drive and purpose, and goes straight to the point it's trying to make. He rescued the maiden, but doomed her entire kingdom. I didn't see that ending coming. You also ended it on a resonant note, reminiscent of the beginning. Really cool.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
131
131
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


Welcome to Writing.com!

*Star* First Impressions: Oooh, what a creepy story. It focuses on a grave keeper and the graveyard he is assigned to keep. I got a fairly good mental image of both yard and keeper through your story, and it helped bring the scenes to life. I didn't expect to run into a ghost, though. That was kind of surprising.

I really got to know Pastor in this short as well. I didn't know him at all at first, but by the time the story ended I felt that I knew him pretty well and expected his calm assurance as he went about his typical work. My mental image of him was pretty clear, too. He's about as disturbing as his graveyard is, if not more so.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think you did a fantastic job on the description of the graveyard. You gave your character a realistic personality. He doesn't really love the dead, but they're better to him than the living as they don't ask for anything. Looks like the ghosts are approving of him, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice a slight problem with the tenses here. Sometimes you use present tense, but everything else is past tense. They don't really mix, so you should choose just one and stick with it. Otherwise people will get confused as to whether they're in the present... or if it already happened.

For example:

Having no home to go back to, he’s been living in the chapel for many long years. He knew all the steles well, and they knew him too. He dug most of those graves, and was there when their new residents arrived.

To change this, you can try something like: Having no home to go back to, he'd been living in the chapel for many long years. He knew all the steles well, and they knew him too. (etc)

He claimed that people care too much about material needs, chasing it their entire life just to lose it all in the end.

Suggestion to change: He claimed that people cared too much about material needs...

Another thing to make note of is the massive use of the word 'was'. You should consider cutting them back as much as possible, because 'was' is a really weak word. I'm not saying remove it entirely - though if you can that would be nice - just make sure it isn't popping up every other sentence. Especially not in your first sentence.

The moon was shining high in the sky, illuminating the small stone chapel and shedding light to the tombstones surrounding it.

Try just 'shone' and remove the 'was'.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Well, this was an interesting little story to read. Feels almost like one of those character exercises to bring this person Pastor into focus. I got a pretty good idea about him when I was done reading it, and I liked the ghost that shows up to nod approval. It would be highly creepy, but for some reason Pastor's calm reaction to everything kind of downplays it. That's not strictly a bad thing. If he'd been working there for years, it would be odd if he jumped at every shadow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Cute. First thing that crossed my mind. Just what a child would do, too. As they're making the cookies, she gets more and more impatient to eat them, and keeps asking her grandmother questions about them. Like why she can't eat the batter instead of just the finished cookie.

When they finally come out of the oven, the grandmother is distracted by a phone call and hurries out of the room. But Marissa, the little girl, waits a few seconds, decides she can't stand it, and eats all the cookies for herself. Oh dear. *Laugh*


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I knew what Marissa would do as soon as her grandmother walked out of the room. It was just impossible not to know. She was so impatient I couldn't help but guess she would start chowing down as soon as she was given half the chance. Marissa really sounded like a little girl.


*Moon* Suggestions: A few of the sentences were a bit strange, and might be able to be tweaked here and there for smoother reading. I can point a few out, but it's really up to you whether or not you want to change anything (besides, you do have a word count to stay inside of, don't you?).

First off, the ending. Very abrupt. I know you've got word count limit so it makes sense, but she just asks Marissa what she's got to say for herself instead of gently scolding her. Then she gives her milk. Just an observation.

You used 'little' twice in very short order. Might want to be careful about that. It's not a disaster, but it's noticeable.

The sweet smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies was teasing little Marissa.

I always try to avoid 'was', but especially so in the first sentence. A suggestion: The sweet smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies teased little Marissa.

Grandma came back with a stunned look on her face.

This doesn't have very much impact as it is. Suggestion: Grandma came back with a gasp.


*Butterflyb* Overall: An adorable story about a little girl and her grandmother. I think this is very good, actually. I noticed you never once used dialogue tags like 'she said' or 'asked', but just focused on their actions. This was probably necessary for such a short piece, since you didn't have time for the finer details. Besides, who can resist gooey, warm, chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven?


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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133
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


Welcome to WDC!

*Star* First Impressions: I have to admit, the title was a curious one so I had to stop by and see what was going on here. Emily is an ordinary girl who was given a telescope for her birthday with the brand 'Stargate Telescope'. When she tries to look through it, though, she falls unconscious and finds herself surrounded by aliens.

But the aliens aren't evil, and instead insist that they just need Emily's help for something. An Earth creature is terrorizing their people and they have no idea what to do about it. Emily isn't much of a fighter, but she's willing to try and help just the same.

When they arrive, it isn't some vicious beast that waits for them. It's a horse. A stallion. It's already wearing tack and seems to be perfectly calm when Emily comes up to it. But the horse ends up saving all their lives from a poisonous native creature of some kind.

Emily is back on Earth now, with a horse, and knows nobody in their right mind will believe her crazy story. Oh well, at least she has a new friend - and she's the hero of aliens.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think it's neat how you started and ended the story in the same basic way. Emily thinking of how nobody will ever believe her. I like that. It doesn't even feel strained or repetitive. Cal - or is that short for Callisto? - is a good name for the horse, considering where she got him.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think some parts of this went by too fast. The scene where Emily discovers the cause of the aliens' problems is a horse is okay, but then she just goes up to the animal, mounts him, and rides him without apparent trouble. I'd think she should have at least taken the time to let the horse sniff her hand, or get an idea of who she was. Because my thoughts were something like: so, how was this animal terrorizing the martians if she could just walk up to him with no problem?

They kept on walking, until they reached an area, and Emily saw the creature.

Saying 'they reached an area' could mean anything at all. It could be a mall, or a football field for all the reader knows.

I feel like you're using too many commas in here. They're chopping up the sentences and making it rather hard to read. I'll just highlight one or two examples so you can see what I mean. But trust me, I'm definitely not a grammar whiz. I just go by ear most of the time.

It was a large horse, a chestnut stallion, standing majestically, with a saddle and tack already on it.

I'm not that fond of this sentence to begin with because it feels like telling. Here's an example: A large chestnut stallion stood in the middle of the grey clearing, pointed ears pricked and intelligent brown eyes fixed in their direction. However it ended up there, it already wore a saddle and tack. The animal tossed its head so the reins jangled.

She had had only one lesson, when she was ten, and wasn't very good, but she would try anyway.

You could use less commas. For instance: She had had only one lesson when she was ten and wasn't very good, but she would try anyway.

That aside, I wouldn't run up to an unfamiliar horse - or any other animal for that matter - as it could get spooked by such an aggressive approach. It's dangerous.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Who would have thought Emily would get a horse from aliens. Last thing I would have expected, but it was in the title so I knew something like that would happen. It's kind of a nice story too, because Emily is such an ordinary girl and she comes across as the sort that gets picked on by just about everyone. I hope things start looking up for her with her new equine friend.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


Welcome to Writing.com!

*Star* First Impressions: This is a short story focused on a dissatisfied young lady who has a high opinion of herself in terms of appearance and intelligence. All she wants is a good position and money, and she's willing to do anything to get it.

The whole story stays firmly in third person throughout, and the reader still gets a good idea what - and how - the character feels. Because of her high opinion of herself, I am not sure if she literally lives in a dump or she just sees it that way. Her parents don't seem like mean people, but they never show up so its only speculation.

The main character sets up her web of deception, closes in on her target, and... whoops! She trips. Over what I don't know, but she lands right in the middle of the group like she's part of a bad comedy. I'm not sure if I should be sorry for her or not, but a part of me smiled.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I didn't expect it to end like it did. I thought of many ways she could fail because he wasn't interested, or already had a girlfriend, or something. But tripping didn't even cross my mind. So great job on that twist.


*Moon* Suggestions: The beginning paragraph feels powerfully redundant. Many of the sentences start the same way and it badly distracts from the story you're trying to tell. It's not an awful start, but you've got to think of ways to break out of that rhythm it's stuck in. She hopes... she hopes... you get the idea.

One big question: what did she trip over? Her own feet? A snag in the carpet? Did they laugh - considering she deems it a failure - or did they help her up?

The timing of the party couldn't be better, and her ovulation cycle was in perfect sync.

This just hit me out of left field. I have no real clue why she's thinking of this when it's him that matters. Besides, it really feels odd that a girl - how old is she? - would have such a thought pass her mind when she's too busy with other, more important thoughts. But it is up to you.

She thought of a few different ways she could distract him.

But only one was mentioned. Seems to me she just tried to think of ways. She didn't actually think of them.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Short, sweet, and definitely has the deceptive feel you were going for. The girl is restless and thinks she deserves castles and pots of gold. I'm not saying she doesn't, but she's sure going the wrong way about getting it. It also sounds like her parents were invited to the same party, so did she have to avoid them or something? Either way it was an interesting read.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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135
Review of Clash Round 1  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This is so cute. Sibling rivalry between two young twins, and it has an interesting plot to top all that off. I was immediately curious about the girl who talks to trees and the magician boy with lacking respect for his sister.

Actually the whole story has a light-hearted feel to it, and although bad things happen thanks to Volton, it never feels all that dire or serious. The mud, for example, got the trees to pay attention to Lila. The bath time song drew all the other animals around them so they could find the one they were looking for. Stuff like that. It doesn't feel like it's deadly serious, but it's not coming across as a joke either. It's got the sort of mood a children's fantasy book would have.

I particularly liked the way they handled Volton, and the way everything worked out for the best in the end. Even if the twins are still fighting, they seem to understand one another better than they did before. Hopefully that will penetrate sooner or later... and make them a bit more respectful.

But if it did, how would they solve future problems like these ones?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: In particular I liked how Richard, who normally would have agreed with many of the things Volton said about his sister, rose to her defense as soon as Volton said it. Although his attacks weren't very effective until he tried something childish, it's nice that he stood up for her. Even if they were rolling in the mud afterwards.


*Moon* Suggestions: To be honest I didn't have a clue what they were looking for - or why - in the beginning. I just assumed they were wandering about in the woods for some small errand or something. You might want to point out what they were doing earlier on, because until they came across the wolf thing they wanted, I didn't know what they were doing at all. I know it's just a short story, but I still think having the point established as early as possible is important.

I'm also against dialogue beginnings, though I'm not saying all of them are definitely out, you might consider opening the story in a different way to avoid the use of it right in the first paragraph. Like the creepy surroundings that Lila is so uncomfortable about. Stuff like that.

He pointed his wand again and this time he said a little spell.

Although this sentence probably needs it, you should try to minimize the usage of 'a little'. They're weak, and could be replaced by something more powerful.

Suddenly, two long rabbit ears grew out of Volton's head and a fluffy tail grew out of his backside.

Somewhat repetitive. One of those 'grew' words could be replaced by something else.

He turned pale white.

Last I checked, white is always pale. You can just cut that word out (or remove 'white' instead. Whichever you prefer).


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting, cute little story about twins who work together - sort of - to get a wolf to get a sample of its blood. I'm not exactly sure what for, but I guess it's to help someone they care about. Their mother, I think. I'm just not sure why they need to go to the elves. If those few places where clarity is lacking are cleared up, I think this would be a really good story. It already is, but it could be better.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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136
136
Review of Cheerleader  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: A beautiful story about a young lady who's best friend is her support, her encouragement, and her cheering session all in one. Lexi was her everything.

Until an accident happened.

Torn apart, Eleanor - the main character - seems to stumble blindly in one direction for a while. Maybe a month or a few weeks, it is not specified, until a mysterious white feather appears before her. This feather is carried by likewise suspicious gusts of wind until it is deposited by a young man.

Thanks to the feather, Eleanor got to know the man better, and it eventually leads to a romantic relationship. According to the way the story went, I know this went very well.

It seemed Lexi was also an angel of sorts *Angelic*. A beautiful way to bring the main character a peace of mind.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the latter parts of the story best. They flow much smoother and give off a truly sad mood that's needed. But by the end I didn't find myself deeply upset, rather moved and hopeful. I could relate to the main character, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: Now I did notice a few things that weren't so great about this, and one of them is that skippy beginning. The flow up there feels all choppy and incomplete. I don't even think your beginning is all that catchy. The information up there could possibly come after, or during, the accident's report. She could wake up in the middle of the night to this disastrous phone call, learn of her friend's unfortunate situation, and in her blind rush to get there on time she could reflect on what her friend means for her. Not all at once, but a bit at a time to get the reader thinking.

However, that all changed one horrible night that I will never forget, no matter how much I want to.

This sentence feels stretched. Maybe you should try shortening it like: However that all changed one unforgettable night. You can allow it to follow that it was likewise horrible. Either way, the way it is now doesn't sound quite right to me.

A suggestion that should be taking with everything is to try and use less of the words 'was' and 'had', and less '-ly' endings. Like 'Kindly', for example.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Beautiful little story. I like how her friend is hinted at being an angel after her death, even if that was never confirmed it gave a nice touch. It was nice how, through this one little feather, she met the man she would marry (I'm assuming). So her friend's death was a bittersweet event - no doubt more bitter than sweet. I'm glad Eleanor has a new future, even if her friend - her soulmate - couldn't be part of it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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137
137
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Admittedly I was slightly confused at first, but quickly figured out what was going on in the story. One of Zarad and Aloli's reincarnated selves are out dancing before they die of starvation. At the end, Zarad says her name even if he doesn't know what it means.

In a way I guess it's kind of symbolic, but I'm not exactly sure what for yet so I will leave it at that.

When Zarad wakes up, he is a touch disoriented and gives me the impression of being in a wasteland when he was - moments before - in paradise. The awful thing is that he doesn't know if the tree is dead or not, and if it is there would be no more reincarnation. It also sounds like the souls locked below must stay there, or at least have trouble finding their way back.

Zarad is furious and is going to do something about Vero, Aloli, and the tragedy he caused. At last, some action from the real hero - pardons to Maddock for thinking that way.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the fact that Zarad is moving. I felt, up until this point, that he was just behaving a bit like a lawn ornament. Pretty, but not very useful. Okay, I'll give him this: he tried to protect the tree (and failed), which was pretty exciting. But I still don't feel like he got enough of a time of day compared to Maddock. I'm glad he's finally going to get Aloli. Before it's too late.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although I know Earth can't have been destroyed, this chapter doesn't do anything to make that clear. I think you should at least give a fleeting mention that it was still there just so everyone knows it isn't the apocalypse or something (though I guess they'd know that given the dates).

The story took a long time to get to this point, but it's making up for that by going straight to the action. I don't really know how Zarad ended up on Earth instead of back in the Soul Sphere (if that still exists considering what happened to it). In fact, I had to read it through twice to understand that he was on Earth.

I guess he's not visible to people? Or else they were so busy they didn't notice an angelic figure flying away? Either way, it does promise to be interesting...

Zarad woke up from the memory to find himself in what was once the Window Room.

Pretty sure you can do without that.

In the distance behind him, he heard a boom sound in his wake.

The description 'a boom sound' made me wince. I don't really have a direct idea of how to change that, but I think it would do best as something else.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This chapter is short, but gets straight to it's point. Perhaps a bit too quickly. The transition between Soul Sphere (or rather the Window Room) was so sudden, I initially missed it. Unbelievably. I thought he was still inside the Soul Sphere, then got confused and had to read back. That might deserve some clarification so nobody else gets lost in that. Otherwise I actually kind of like it. Zarad is going to do something, and hopefully he can get to Aloli in time. I still feel like I haven't been introduced to Aloli as well as I should have though.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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138
138
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Really disturbing is probably the first thing that came to my mind as I read this. Maddock is off on his first mission with Wolfe, and from the get go things promise to be bad. Unusually so, even if it's only Maddock's first time out.

Upon their arrival Wolfe gives Maddock another quick crash course on the instruments they're using, and their purposes. So on. Maddock is obviously not too bothered by the prospect of going on the job because he deliberately annoys his partner until they're both kind of exasperated with one another. That aside, they both enter the house.

In here everything is really disturbing. The building is practically - if not literally - haunted. Even Maddock is uneasy, but Wolfe seems to think it signifies they need backup and Maddock just isn't ready for that kind of thing yet.

However they go on anyway and finally reach a room where several of the demons are gathered. There are two that stand out, but the others linger in the shadows until the real fighting begins. Flaming imps. I'm assuming they're not very big since Maddock had a hard time hitting them, but they can scratch (evidently not always fatally) and spew fire.

The demons apparently know Maddock - maybe Wolfe too - and add a deeper layer of curiosity to the story by saying he's going to have to choose his side. Once his amnesia wears off the rest of the way.

When they escape the room after all the fighting, Maddock conveniently - accidentally of course - forgot his sword in the room. When he goes back to get it he is greeted by a horrible sight.

Wolfe promises he will explain everything back at the Sphere, but first they're going to get a drink. I think they're going to need one - or at least Maddock will - for whatever Wolfe is going to say.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think the opening of this chapter is best. It felt concise and unhurried. A good way to open up into the action that comes later on. Better still, I'm guessing by Maddock's imminent need to tease Wolfe that he was nervous and hiding it behind lots of meaningless chatter.

That aside, Maddock really does seem to be changing as a character. Not unbelievably. It's more like he's maturing more and more as it goes. Guess he's got less time for the uselessness of his old occupation.


*Moon* Suggestions: As before I found the action scene oddly choppy because of the weird paragraph spacing. I don't really get the impression the battle was described well enough for me to get a good idea what I was looking at. Sometimes maybe - and in battle you obviously won't be stopping to smell the daisies - but you want to make sure their actions aren't flat. When he wings that sword around, you want to know it's moving. When he fires rounds of bullets, you'll want to know how the recoil felt. Stuff like that.

I can't help but note how long the story has taken to reveal such important details as it is now. Although some of these things are more like a mysterious surprise (and that's great), you might want to give some clues so they don't come way out of left field. When you do that the reader wonders where in the world all of it is coming from.

So that was an imp-- how the hell do you keep an imp busy?

The tenses here don't feel right, even if it is Maddock thinking it.

The imp swooped down past him again,

Either down or past should work fine on its own.

Maddock fell to the ground, his sword falling away from him.

Maybe: Maddock crashed to the ground and his sword skittered out of reach.

Flesh-covered bones on the ground... and the smell of burned flesh.

Might want to choose different wording for this.

Without argument, Maddock followed him out of this hell hole.

It isn't present tense or first person... so that ought to be 'the'. Not 'this'.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This was an exciting and disturbing chapter that feels as though it's revealed another layer of mystery to the whole plot. Where that will go is debatable, but it seems like Maddock is important to both sides somehow. Even he isn't sure what that's all about. I guess Wolfe is going to do some explaining again, but it's hard to say if that will clear anything up or just make things more confusing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Zarad's mistaken use of the fire from his sword engulfs the entirety of the building. Or it tries anyway. He flies out ahead of it to finally try and release that monster that Vero seemed determined to have him let out. And this does avert the disaster of the fire, but brings out something that's probably several times worse.

Ninian the Pooka is now the one he has to turn to for help, ironic since he almost killed the strange creature. I have no idea why the Pooka decided not to side with Vero after all, as he seemed strongly bent in that direction, but he's on the other side now and is against Vero's plans. Maybe was the whole time, but it sure didn't feel that way.

Zarad, though, is protected by the halo from the destruction. It hardly seems to matter. He's horrified at what he has done and doesn't have a clue how to make it better, or what happened to Aloli. My guess is that this will have an impact on Maddock's side of the story, as well.

Now that this is all destroyed, I wonder just what is going to happen? I don't see what Zarad can actually do considering his situation other than run away. He can't stay and fight the thing because nothing he has could hurt it. Worse, he's alone.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Okay so the golem thing being released I kind of expected, but not quite like this. Vero is really determined to get that thing out, and I notice that as soon as he got what he wanted he left Zarad high and dry. Makes me wonder what he's doing now that the thing is free, and although I suspected him the whole time it does annoy me (in the good way) that he would take advantage of Zarad that way just for his personal gain.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm really confused by this Pooka creature, which seemed to be firmly on Vero's side - going so far as to try and help release the golem - then immediately explains that Pookas are terrified of this thing, and apparently knew what it could do all along. So, in this case, just why did the Pooka even 'try' to release the golem? Or was he not going to and wanted to convince Vero otherwise? I'm kind of missing the point.

Although the plot does develop and is obviously there, I feel like some of this revelation should have been much earlier. Because it feels like it's the driving force behind the novel - what the conspiracy is about - I was kind of losing it up until this point because I didn't really know what they were trying to accomplish until about now.

“Wait!” Zarad said. “How do we stop this?”

You used said like five times in a row, and although said is a good word to use several times, it does begin to feel as though it's abused. This one could easily be 'exclaimed' or 'cried'. You don't even have to change all of them, just one or two to make it seem less stiff.

Within the fire, Zarad saw faces-- faces of luminous beings darting madly through the Soul Sphere.

Or maybe: Within the fire, Zarad glimpsed faces of luminous beings darting madly through the Soul Sphere.

Souls of people-- men, women, children... scantily dressed in animal skins and feathers. Their souls ripped unexpectedly from their bodies and roaming in torment and confusion. Lost souls from Earth.

I feel like there are words missing here because the sentences don't quite line up if you know what I mean.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This chapter marks an awful turn in the events leading up until now. Vero has gotten what he wanted from Zarad and is waiting for that thing to come back. I'm not sure I understand just why he wants to meet it, but he does, and it's a bad... bad thing. I don't know where the golem monster will go, but now that it's unleashed it will create a lot of havoc. I guess this is what they were talking about, but I wonder if the other Soul Sphere guardian ever knew...


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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140
140
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This is a flashback chapter that focuses on Taylan Chagatai, and it is brief when it does. I wasn't really confused by it, probably because of the chapter's title, and the situation is explained as it goes on. I'm not exactly sure of the point, but knowing that Maddock is him kind of helps.

The three Mongol soldiers - even Taylan, though he hides it well - are having some misgivings about the mission they are on, and don't hesitate to say so. Between jabs, I gather they're about to try and steal some mountain fortress, although I fail to see how three warriors alone could accomplish this.

Before they can really decide, a spear is flung at them as they are attacked by the Chinese they were just talking about. They're badly outnumbered, but don't seem to have any trouble holding back their enemies anyway.

In the end they lose one man, but have come out on top. When asked for mercy by the last soldier, Taylan refuses it. He takes no prisoners.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: This is probably one of the best ways to get the reader to understand who Taylan was, and just how different he is than Maddock. Although they do share some of the same traits, it's obvious Taylan's style is leaning towards discipline rather than brute force. He also carries a sort of calm assurance about him. Maddock is self-assured, but in a brash and kind of loud way.


*Moon* Suggestions: I don't feel the action really did it here. I didn't feel like I was involved in it as much as I could have, or should have. More active description would help, and so would cutting back on the sentence lengths where possible. That would make it read faster and be more exciting. I felt that at the start they were outnumbered and all, but the battle just came across as clipped and the awesomeness of what they were doing was consequently lost.

Taylan made a motion to hide.

At first I thought this meant he was making the motions of selecting a hiding place and dropping into it, but when I read the next line I then had to assume he made a gesture to tell the others to hide. You might want to make this clearer.

The sound of a spear cutting through the trees landed on Taylan’s ears.

Most people won't know what a spear sounds like when it cuts through the trees. You might want to at least give a helpful word to describe the noise.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I already got the impression Taylan was a disciplined warrior from what Wolfe said about him, and the memory Maddock relived of him earlier in the book. This is helpful to paint a few other traits of him down, and give the reader an idea of how he thought and felt. I understand that this connects with Maddock and Wolfe where they are at now, but other than Maddock being Taylan, I'm not sure how it relates. I'm guessing that will become clearer soon. A lot of things have yet to be clarified though, to be honest.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
141
141
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This chapter starts off fairly slow and picks up speed the further in it goes. Zarad notices some kind of unusual life form - a golem-like thing - and stops to investigate it when everything begins to spin out of control.

The halo tells him to stop watching because it's something that's beyond him, but another voice from Vero encourages him to keep on looking for the sake of their mysterious plan. Zarad is conflicted as these two opposing sides argue, and the further it goes the more reluctant he is to release the monstrous golem creature into his world.

At last he decides not to. He can't just break away from everything he's ever known and release a monster. However even as he makes this decision, Pooka - the critter from earlier - shows up to repeat the instructions of Vero. Zarad, though, is still leaning towards not letting the golem out.

So they fight. Pooka is a tougher opponent than expected and puts up a good battle as he tries to remove the key and let the golem out. Zarad, however, is inexperienced and enraged. The halo doesn't seem to help with that, not to mention the insults towards him and Aloli.

In the midst of this fray, Zarad swipes the sword and covers everything in a sheet of fire. Both Pooka, the portal, and some of the surrounding area. By the sound of it, he's just released the very monstrosity he wanted to keep locked away. Things couldn't be much worse.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Zarad's conflicting feelings were rather good. I can't help but wonder at Vero's intentions and be uncertain of which side I should take. That destructive thing from another planet sounded horrible, and I have no idea why Vero would want it. All this time I've been very suspicious about Vero, so I'm not against how Zarad reacted to his advice. Though I don't really know how I should feel about the halo, since it isn't strictly alive.


*Moon* Suggestions: This chapter is confusing because it seems like it's hopping about every which way. This is hard to swallow all at once as a result. I didn't get a very good look at the fight scene, and I wasn't completely sure what happened.

Starting at the beginning: The portal showed an alien world. It was a rocky environment with small fissures erupting a plasma-like gas into the air.

Rather than stating the obvious fact that it's an alien world, why not just go right ahead and describe it? Like: The portal showed a rocky environment with small, erupting fissures that spewed plasma-like gas into the air. Since it doesn't sound as if you're describing Earth, I don't think anyone will get confused.

Zarad felt himself knocked back and the halo come off his head.

So how does this feel? Did it feel like he was bodily pushed back by an invisible force? Like someone grabbed him and flung him back? Does the halo clank against the floor when it leaves him?

The Pooka jumped off the edge of the hallway and landed down at the same level.

Seems a bit redundant. Also, the same level as what?


*Butterflyb* Overall: For all that I've said, the chapter does have an exciting feel to it. Zarad had to make a choice, and although he seemed to have made the correct choice - whether or not it was a good one will remain to be seen - he could have caused the same disaster himself. It's a great way to end this chapter and make people want to flip the page, but I do wonder why the last words were not italicized. The reason? Well, it's not narration, it's thought. It almost sounds as if it were switched to first person, and it hasn't. Just something to ponder.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
142
142
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Wolfe and Maddock are in center stage again, this time the story is definitely moving forward. There's a lot going on that Maddock does not know about, and unlike how he felt at first he seems to actually want to know what exactly is going on. That might be because everyone else is so much more knowledgeable on... well, everything in the building.

But although he starts to remember more about his past life, he's still in the dark about many things. It also turns out that Wolfe, who acted like such a know-it-all about Maddock and his past life, lived one alongside Taylan Chagatai and knew him. How well and from what position I don't know, but evidently he was close enough to know what he could do.

After some explanations, a sort of recollection of Taylan's self-control, which was excellent, Wolfe takes Maddock out for his first real mission. They get very clipped information about what they're going to do from the named (this seems really important somehow) wizard fellow, and Black decides to make another appearance.

She is nothing if not derogatory. Rather rude, too, but I guess she's got the right considering Maddock isn't very polite to her either. She starts a fight with him to test his abilities, and seems to handle him easily enough. Maddock does improve before the end of the fight, but not enough to catch her and certainly not enough to come out on top.

This puts Wolfe in doubt of his abilities, but he's still planning on taking him along for the ride. It just means they'll have to be more careful, though I really have no idea what they are going up against.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I think I like the part of them drawing comfort from menial things, such as Wolfe's glasses and Maddock's sudden desire for strong black tea. It gives them a more personalized feel to their individual character. Wolfe doesn't really need glasses, but he feels better with them. Maddock used to drink coffee, but now - again because of his past life - seems to prefer the black tea.

Although the fighting was excitement that hadn't happened for a while, I still found the question at the end the best one. What in the world is this mission going to turn out like after all?


*Moon* Suggestions: The first part of this chapter isn't that bad, though there were a lot of weak words that could use some weeding out. It's the fight scene that might need more attention, though. I know short, choppy sentences are best. That's what I always try to do, and it does work quite well. HOWEVER I do not understand short, choppy paragraphs. Maybe you should try to squeeze a few more of these together - if they sound like they can - so it looks less spacey and weird.

I think there might be a slightly better explanation on just what they're going to be doing. Although I wasn't confused, I don't feel I quite understand what's going on enough to comprehend the danger of what they're going to do. I also have to assume that Maddock's fighting skills aren't all back yet, and will return as his memories do.

I'm curious about Wolfe, but that's okay for the time being.

It was then that his inner voice awoke him-- stopping his actions.

I don't recall hearing this inner voice. What did it say?

A blow to his guy interrupted him

Did you mean 'gut'?

be broke the fall with his hands, barely in time.

He*. This doesn't seem like a great sentence though, come to think of it. Feels kind of like telling. Of course in action you're going to want your sentences to be choppier, to make the reader fly through them faster. Maybe something like: Maddock's hands jerked up and slapped to the floor just in time to stop his descent.

She was positioning herself for another attack... it really was her that hit him.

I don't know how this positioning looks. Maybe it deserves some brief description.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Sounds like things are about to get very messy for Wolfe and Maddock. Or at least very exciting. I wonder how they knew that Maddock was the reincarnated Taylan Chagatai when they recruited him? Wolfe indicated this was one of the reasons why they did. I just don't quite get the 'how' behind it. They must know something I don't. Aside from that I think this chapter ends in a nicely ominous way. Good luck indeed. If she thinks they're going to need it, they probably will.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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143
143
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Back with Zarad things aren't necessarily lively or boring. Kind of suspended somewhere in between. He seems more like an observer than an active participant now, and he's alone. Alone save the mysterious halo that transformed him into some sort of guardian angel creature.

It seems that he's neither both enjoying his job and not, and although he misses Aloli it isn't so bad as when he was in his normal form. I guess that is a good thing though because he couldn't be wallowing around in self-pity for the entirety of the novel. That would be dull.

As he wanders through the halls - I'm guessing they're halls anyway, that's kind of what I envisioned - he ends up by the windows to look at what is going on down (or... nearby) on Earth. He can't help but catch sight of a certain family drama going on as somebody lies on his deathbed. What is supposed to be his deathbed, at any rate. It turns into some vibrant plot by the wife - who is enthusiastically waiting for his death so she can run off with somebody else. The halo Zarad is wearing helped narrate as much.

Somehow the man nearly slips away, then pulls himself back with the knowledge of her cheating. She, I guess, is now in big trouble with him. Something tells me she isn't going to get that inheritance. But even if she did, the other guy was just planning to discard her. Hmm...

Who said being the protector of the Soul Sphere couldn't be interesting?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I actually like how Zarad's job is going right now, even if he doesn't get a whole lot of action. Now that he doesn't have anyone to talk to or distract himself with I get a better idea of what he is like. Diligent, but not rigidly so. Devoted, but not so much as to kill himself over it. This is kind of what I'm getting from him.


*Moon* Suggestions: Although this chapter's ending is really nice, I actually have no clue what it has to do with the plot of the rest of the novel because... to be honest, it feels kind of detached. I don't believe in staying super rigid to the plot (deviating slightly now and then for relief isn't so bad), but it's hard to stay focused when Zarad seems to have absolutely nothing to do with it. Other than watching the Soul Sphere, he just kind of floated about and peered down on an event that seems pretty irrelevant. Interesting, yes. Funny, maybe. But irrelevant nonetheless.

I don't know if there's a point to this later, but I kind of wish that - providing there was - it be at least vaguely obvious. Just my take though.

Otherwise, I feel kind of odd knowing the halo can 'talk', but never once saw what it said. I wouldn't expected it all the time because that would get pretty stale pretty fast, but at least once or twice to give the idea of what it talks like.

I'm confused about the room shaking. Was it really shaking or was that just in the dying man's mind because he was a spirit at that moment? I'm confused because Priscilla didn't seem to mind - or care - that a picture frame hit her on the head. I'm still a bit unsure, so if you want to keep this you might want to clarify a bit.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Although ping-ponging back and forth between Zarad and Maddock is very confusing, I found Zarad's chapter wasn't as dull as I feared it might be since he acquired this job. The job itself kind of made me think 'dull', but so far it hasn't been. I'm not sure if this is subject to change, but for the time being I don't mind it. I don't really know how to feel about the end of this chapter. It isn't bad, but it's not seriously turn-the-page-right-now grabbing. It's more like: I'm not quite sure I got what happened just now, and I don't think there will be an explanation - even a vague one - next chapter. That doesn't mean I'd stop, it's just how I feel at the end.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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144
for entry "Chapter 3.3: Baptism" 
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This was - to my surprise - a chapter dedicated to Maddock. I originally thought up until this point that the chapters were separated into parts and were strictly for one character or the other. I see now that I was wrong.

Time also flows differently where Maddock is, so six years above was certainly not the same below. He had no ties, so it was easy for him to slip away without repercussions, and he's under the impression this is why they chose him. Sadly I still have no idea what the general point of him - as a part of their group - is just yet. I'm thinking he's going to be some kind of vigilante hunter for these rogue spirits.

I thought it was kind of interesting how his past life was, and that he's learned something from it - other than some emotional attachment which he is advised to discard - and requests a scimitar for use since he hasn't used one in many years.

Just what a scimitar will be useful for in the following chapters, I do not know. It's also apparent to me that in all the time Maddock has been there, he's still not on great terms with Wolfe. Surprising, though, because they seemed to have some common ground before. I guess not.

Anyway, Maddock knows who he 'was' and is now ready to start his real duties. I wonder what that will entail. Six years is a long time to be away from everything.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the memory of his past life best. It's got a kind of nostalgic feel to it. Although I'm also kind of fond of the idea that a watch is their sign of promotion, and that Wolfe teases him for being a 'special case'. I wonder how long this sort of promotion would usually take because there is no indication of it. I think it's interesting how time flows differently. Would be kind of cool, I suppose, but I wonder what happens if one goes back and forth?


*Moon* Suggestions: As some of the other chapters, you might want to cut back on 'was' and '-ly'. Other than that I have a few curiosities regarding this chapter. Firstly my confusion started because originally these chapters were cordoned off like... chapter 1.1 and so on belonged to Zarad. Chapter 2.1 and so on belonged to Maddock. However this chapter 3.3 is 'in' Zarad's part, and yet isn't for Zarad. I was momentarily confused by this. I'm not saying rhythm is something to totally maintain no matter what happens forever, but I'm just pointing it out.

Aside from this I wonder about the length of time a promotion normally takes? They talked as if they were going to explain it, then just didn't. Now I'm curious. Is Wolfe just teasing him for the sake of it, or does it always take about that length of time? I'm also really surprised by how these two STILL don't seem to have much in the way of a... how can I say this... relationship? They're not friends - no I don't mean like that - but they still seem to be totally in the dark about one another. Like, not even much past the acquaintance stage. If they had 'six months' or even a few weeks, I'd think they'd have at least a vague idea what made the other guy tick.

No reason for him to live now and he preferred death to being captured anyway. And die he did.

This is very anti-climactic. Not dramatic at all. He just died.

I won't bore you or waste your time by pounding a few things I've said before over again. Those are just my major questions.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I expected this chapter - once I realized it was Maddock - to have some excitement and I wasn't disappointed by those memories. Except that one part. It still felt really vague, like there was something not shown, but I think that just adds to the curiosity of the whole event. I'm going to guess that Maddock is going to get some surface time at long last, and there will be more excitement going on. I look forward to that.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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145
145
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Zarad enters the Soul Sphere room, if I'm not mistaken. Seems like a very ethereal realm that he isn't quite capable of understanding. The tree itself is alive in a sentient way, but isn't really a plant. It just seems to bear the appearance of a tree.

There's obviously something going on that even Freya is more aware of than Zarad, but in this moment for a while she does explain the tree away better than Zarad was guessing. Earth is, in this scene, very tiny. It explains what is going on below, and above - or should I say 'around' Earth.

There's a darkness coming, according to Freya, and she has to go down to Earth to help guide what's happening and save Aloli. However I still can't help but wonder about this.

Zarad accepts the job, though, and takes the halo from Freya. It changes his form - which is pretty cool - and Freya leaves him where he is to perform duties he's not even sure of. I wonder what he's going to have to do from here on out. Honestly I thought he might be going to Earth, but apparently that isn't going to be the case. At least not right now anyway, he's got to take care of the tree.

As for Aloli, it does seem like a rather cryptic way to say she's in danger. I guess I'll find out what that all means soon enough.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The tree, and the halo that changed his form. That's really kind of awesome. I didn't expect anything like that to happen. I also like how the war on Earth has to do with the darkness in the spirit realm. They're not really the same thing, but they are linked. It's a concept I hadn't thought of, and it makes for an awesome link between the two things.


*Moon* Suggestions: This chapter does feel better by itself as the job Zarad is getting is now more evident. I did get mildly confused when he went up to the tree, since it really sounded like he went into it instead at a glance. Once I figured out that he didn't it was much easier to follow what was going on.

This chapter isn't so bad on the 'was' and '-ly' endings for some reason. Just a coincidence?

Mostly I just expected Zarad to go along down to Earth. I'm really surprised he didn't, but his current job doesn't sound all that exciting. I'm not saying that it won't be, but it's not exactly a page-turner of an ending. Freya could have hinted that things COULD get interesting around there, but she didn't. So I'm left thinking they won't or can't.

Two arms and legs, and a golden halo floated above its human face-- a face he recognized from a long time ago.

This sentence might need some work. It almost sounds as if two arms and legs are floating above the figure alongside the golden halo.

Zarad saw a fire her eyes, it reminded him of the same fire he saw in Vero’s eyes when he spoke of the plan.

This feels kind of redundant. You could just put flame in his gaze or something. Just to change things up a bit.

Zarad said, feeling his energy erupt with anger.

I just don't feel this captures what he's probably feeling. Erupting with anger is fine, but this whole sentence... it just feels passive to me. Somehow.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Sounds like there's a lot going on that Zarad doesn't know. I'm not quite sure if he's being put there to benefit one group over another, or if they're manipulating him to help them... or what, I don't know, but right now he's got a pretty important position. It still seems to me that he's the only one that cares about what will happen to Aloli at all. Even Freya just kind of brushes it off, even if she says she'll go help save her. I wonder what Aloli would think of this. Zarad doesn't even really reminisce about her, so I don't know very much about the other spirit.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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146
146
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: So this is back with Zarad, and I guess he still hasn't reincarnated. Judging by all these weird encounters he has, I don't think he's going to go about it the same way Aloli is. She went on ahead, but I guess she really didn't have much choice in the matter.

Although Zarad does accept his job in the end and rushes off to go through with it, I can't help but feel like he's being coerced into it. But if Aloli is in any danger I guess he'd go anywhere to help her. I'm curious how that will work out if he's not reincarnated like Aloli is, but I guess as the caretaker of the Soul Sphere he's going to have some plus sides to his job.

This whole chapter denotes to Zarad's suspicions towards Vero, the council, and just about everything else - but especially Aloli. I feel like there was something mentioned earlier that I missed that has to do with this Circle of Medusa, because I don't think it was ever brought up until Zarad thought about it right in the beginning.

Although the unusual creature - the Pooka - was a cool touch. I didn't know they had anything like that in their realm. They just seemed to 'be' and 'be' the only ones where they were. Now I see that's not completely the case, and it's curious... though something tells me there won't be many of them popping up through the story. Maybe just the knowledge of them being there is good enough.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I'd say I liked the Pooka thing best because it really wasn't what I expected, but there were other decent elements in here too. Zarad's indecision, and his anxiety over possibly losing his ability to be with Aloli forever... but he eventually does this deed anyway. Because if he doesn't she could be in a great deal of danger. Whether that's mortal danger - like, danger she'll face only as a mortal - or real danger to her in both forms - is yet to be seen.


*Moon* Suggestions: Looks like you used a lot of the word 'was' in here. I noticed several of them that could be replaced with better, stronger words. It kind of takes the luster of a story when there's too many of these things peppered about, and really doesn't help the reader out. Finding them isn't too difficult, though you might have to think a while as to how you can remove them.

I continually get the impression I've missed some vital detail that hasn't been mentioned anywhere, and feels as if it should have been. This is awkward, and makes reading somewhat confusing at times. It's as if I'm never sure that I got everything, and even if I did there's no guarantee that it was everything after all.

I don't know how to describe that feeling other than that it makes reading an uncertain process. Not necessarily an awfully bad thing, but probably not something you want to do every chapter. Just to avoid the confusion of it all.

Zarad felt uneasy.

This... so how does this feel? A description of the sensation might help the reader share this unease.

He briefly wondered if that ripple could actually affect the physical universe.

An '-ly' word you can safely do without.

What did they actually do with this power?

Same word, same case. It can be done better without.

The creature left the confides of the table and walked up to him.

Maybe you meant 'confines'.

Ninian jumped up and down, swatting his palms down on the ground-- it was a gesture Zarad could not decipher, and the lack of imagery in his telepathy did not help.

Pretty sure you can do without that, too.

Ninian scratched his forehead, nodding his head.

As opposed to nodding his hand or foot, I assume... you should be able to do without that.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I can see how you've got these chapters organized here, and I suspected it, but it does take a long time to get back to the other character. I'm still not sure how they have much of anything to do with one another, but I guess that will become clearer later on in the story. Zarad hasn't gone near enough to the human realm for it to be important yet. It should be interesting to see just what he's going to do about Aloli's situation, and what that situation is exactly. I'm also very curious to find out what this beautiful something that he saw is.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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147
147
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: The much needed explanation is finally here, and told while the characters in question are on their way to get Maddock his coffee. Wolfe doesn't seem so strict here, he seems more like a real person with actual moods. Earlier he was coming across as stiff and military-ish. I'm glad he's kind of relaxed here.

Maddock hasn't changed much. He listens with one ear and loses half the information he's getting. This was alternately irritating and understandable, I kind of got the impression Wolfe could drone on. But it's good that they're getting along better now instead of fighting all the time (and it certainly puts Maddock in a better light, because I was getting the impression that was pretty much all he could do).

Now there's definite backstory, and more obvious point to the story itself. That helps keep my motivation up for reading it. Floundering about in the middle of a story is not fun.

Right now I'm curious just what Maddock is going to end up doing, and why they seemed so keen on getting him to join them. Still, I don't know why they're giving him the option of leaving so freely. After telling him all this stuff I'd think they'd kind of... you know... never want him to get out of their place ever. At least not alive.

Black gives him a uniform, which Maddock promptly changes into - never mind a changing room - and my opinion of him is very 'on-the-fence' right now. I'm not quite sure what to think of him.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: It's interesting how there's a history behind this building, and that the details of how it functions are all laid out. Although you didn't go into super painful detail - which I must thank you for, that gets dull fast - I got a very good idea of how things worked.


*Moon* Suggestions: Mostly I'm going to point out the technical aspects of the writing, such as the overuse of '-ly' endings. These were oddly overabundant in this chapter with words such as 'actually'. The interesting thing about 'actually' is that you just about never need it, and it can be removed without damaging sentences at all. Like with the '-ly' endings, there were quite a few of the 'was' words scattered about. These should - if possible - be used less rather than more.

I still wish the chapter had ended on more of a page-turner. As it is it's pretty dry and seems completely unrelated to what is otherwise going on. Come on, now, no ominous foreboding 'this job is going to be difficult' sort of thing? In fact, what exactly is his job going to be? I love the explanations, but there could be some more focus on Maddock's actual duties.

Looks like she was not giving him much choice.

This indicates present tense to me, but the rest of the stuff is past. It might do better as something like: It looked as though she wouldn't give him a choice.

Just watch your tenses.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This chapter explains a lot, so it isn't surprising that it's longer than the one before it. Still, it isn't like it's a gigantic chunk. I'd say you managed to put all this down in a fairly concise way. Although I don't understand everything - and who could, I mean, considering Maddock is conveniently ignoring those things of irrelevance - I don't feel like I'm missing anything important yet.

Except perhaps Maddock's exact job.

Hmmmm... I guess that will come up next chapter.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


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148
148
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: Pretty much they tell him about the reincarnation, the spirit world... and that kind of thing in one paragraph's explanation. I expected something more, but this chapter is mostly focused on one thing. Only one thing.

Maddock accepting to join their mysterious group thing. This is the whole purpose of this chapter. Although Maddock - who I thought wanted an explanation - didn't really listen to the one they had to offer, and he considered just walking out on them. But something made him change his mind. Maybe the fact that he didn't know anything about what was going on or what would happen if he did join.

I also get the impression he's not the sort that can easily be led about one direction or another. Probably set to cause a lot of trouble for Black and Wolfe in the future, though I guess not more than he's worth. Or else they'd have kicked him back out by now.

I'm not sure what's up with him that makes him so important, but they seem to need his help. I just wish I had a better idea of what they were doing that had to do with the Soul Sphere. In a good way or a bad way? There's no obvious motive. Yet.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the description of the hallway, and the conditions he wanted before he would join up with them. There were more questions brought up in this chapter than there were answered, and I guess that's a good thing too. I wondered why Maddock was so important - since he seems to be.


*Moon* Suggestions: I feel like the explanation owed the reader was a bit too skimming. I don't really understand what they're trying to accomplish, only that Maddock isn't very interested. Trouble is I was hoping for a reason to put behind these characters, and all I got was a brief, super vague dump on something I already knew. I don't know why it isn't written out as a brief conversation, or even the tail end of one, because it's not like you don't have room. This chapter is really tiny.

Black crossed her arms and nodded silently.

Unless she normally creaks like a rusty hinge when she nods, this is a given. The word is extra and ought to be removed.

Another suggestion would be to tap into Maddock's mood a little more, because sometimes his violent reactions - such as pushing Wolfe into a wall - seem more than a bit sudden and unexplainable. I'm sure he's got good reason, but I have a hard time seeing it when he seems to be reacting at random. Give him that flash of hot anger or something to show why he's acting the way he is.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Short, short chapter. I expected a better explanation than the one given, as I said, and it was really disappointing when it never came. I know for a fact that they're somehow in league with the spirit world and the Soul Sphere, but I just can't make the connection to that with whatever it is they're doing here because that seems to have been skipped. That was, in my opinion, one of the most important parts. Shouldn't Maddock at least have a slight idea (I mean obviously they'd hide some things from him) what is going on? Also, wouldn't they keep some of what they're doing quiet, considering they hadn't gotten his consent to join yet?


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
149
149
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: It starts with a flashback of Maddock's past, I assume, where he made an error and shot down one of his own comrades instead of an enemy plane. It gives an otherwise dark character more background, but he still seems almost senselessly violent. I mean, I can understand being riled up after being kidnapped, but I wish he were a bit tamer. Though honestly that's just my opinion, and moving on...

When he wakes up he is in a confined space near some... thing... that I'm not so sure of. I have a vague idea what it is, but I'm not really sure and am kind of hesitant to place a guess. The old man talking - or I think that's what he was - isn't much help either.

This is about when Wolfe and Black come into play again. The people that kidnapped him, I mean. Seems they wanted him for a very special purpose after all (I guessed as much from the previous chapter since they went through such lengths to recruit him), and I suspect it has a lot to do with Zarad from previous chapters. This is only because of what he overheard his captors talking about. No solid evidence otherwise.

It's like these people can't quite decide if they want to threaten him into cooperation, or coax him into it instead. Seems Samantha Black wants to try the latter option first, though there were a few nasty remarks passed back and forth.

So far it's been interesting, if not suspicious... so that's a plus.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: If you were going for an initial disorientation sort of feeling, that's kind of the impression I was getting from it and it was a good thing. I liked that he's confused, and that he's got a dream - nightmare might be a better term - that resurfaces often in his mind of his terrible mistake. I like how self-assured his captors obviously are. Gives them a more authentic feel.


*Moon* Suggestions: As I said above, his nightmare is a nice touch. Gave him a good deal of background I just wasn't seeing in him before. However, I'm wondering just why this is so significant to him. Was it someone he knew or saw before the fight, or just some random stranger? If it's a random stranger, it could still be significant, just not nearly as important. It doesn't carry the same weight.

Aside from that I'm - admittedly - very confused by what is going on through some of this chapter. The other person in the room, the weird projection thing (I have my suspicions about what this is, but I'll not say because really... I'm not sure), and all the descriptions about the room in question were kind of vague. I think these need a bit of a tune up or everyone will feel like they're floating in some random place. I don't really know what to focus on.

Since I'm not quite sure what's highly significant here, all I can really suggest is that you try to sharpen the focus of the chapter. Bring out the most important details and narrow the other stuff so everything isn't vying for attention. That's my advice.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Things are certainly getting stranger by the minute, although I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. I still have only a fleeting idea of what this has to do with anything in the other chapter. It does kind of feel like it has barely anything in common with it. Other than the fact that some sort of conspiracy is going on. I'm hoping a talk with Samantha Black will clear some stuff up and help tie everything in. Because although this is interesting, I'm feeling kind of separated from the story at this point.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #2035366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


If you have time please stop by my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
150
150
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.

*Vine2* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Vine1*

__*Pencil*


*Star* First Impressions: This goes from bland to exciting in very few words. Better still, it starts out from a completely different perspective, different characters, different setting, and definitely loses that passively laid back feel the one before it had.

The new character is portrayed to be some kind of vigilante bum. He hates where he is and can't stand to look at it, but doesn't have much choice. I guess it rained somewhere earlier in the day, but that's not directly mentioned. I'm just assuming so because of the puddles.

He hears a cry for help, takes out a pair of brass knuckles, and jumps into the fray. He handles both hoodlums easily enough, then declines every offer for food they give him until they leave him alone.

They were, as it turns out, part of an assignment to get a hold of him. Not long after the event, he runs across someone else who knows him, and this person isn't about to take no for an answer. After stunning him and giving a vague - in my case somewhat difficult to comprehend - explanation and put him completely out.

I have no idea where this is going.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Well this is quite a change of pace from that last chapter. I can't say this one is lacking in the excitement side of things. There are some really nice descriptions in here, and the dialogue is good nearer to the end. I think it's okay everywhere else, just saying.


*Moon* Suggestions: This, I think, is probably not the best way to hop into a different perspective. I got nice and comfortable with Zarad - lacking in activity or not - only to find myself violently displaced with Willem Maddock instead. This was startling, and it took me a moment to readjust to everything.

I'm not sure what your time placement of all this is - or if those first four chapters are technically just one - but unless there's a very good reason time-frame wise why they have to be this way, I'd suggest mixing them together a bit. Just to diminish some of the disorientation.

Other than that I can't help but feel like the pacing is off. It's going slow to start, then it just suddenly kicks into high gear. Like, everything just whips past me. It's a bit confusing.

There were some sentences that were 'telling' I'm sure you know this, but it would be worth the trouble to weed as many of those out as possible. I'm not the sort that'll tell you to get rid of every bit of it, but do make some effort to minimize how many there are.

Then there's this...

the girl said, realizing for the first time what pretty hazel eyes she had.

This is weird. I think he meant that 'he' realized what pretty eyes she had. I'm sure she knew about her eyes for a long time now.


*Butterflyb* Overall: This is quite different than the other chapters I've read. It's got more tension, and the characters display a lot more emotion. Perhaps, in some cases, a bit too much. I think the main point here would be to slow down a touch so that people can absorb what they're reading instead of floundering in confusion at the speed of it. I'm also not sure why it starts so low key compared to the rest of it. Still, it definitely has the intrigue required to get someone to turn the next page. I have no idea what they're going to do to him, and I'm dying to find out.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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