*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takingafterme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,287 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 ... Next
226
226
Review of Jayded: Chapter1  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Hi! I'm Tam and I saw your folder on the Shameless Plug Page. I thought to stop by and give you some feedback on your first chapter as my four hundredth review!

*Star* First Impressions: To start with the story is following some girl who is fleeing her pursuers across rooftops. There is no explanation why she is being chased, though it is revealed that she is some sort of thief and vagabond. She doesn't even give out her real name if she can avoid it.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: She is saved by a mysterious stranger. This is kind of curious. He flung her pursuit off the roof (without deeply checking her story) and is now bringing her inside. But sort of giving her a choice about whether or not she follows him.

She never had a choice.

I also like this: In the wet blackness it looked like he was drinking blood.

It's a good description in my opinion.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm not sure why, but I am not a fan of that opening line. This:

As Jayde sprinted across the wet rooftops of Hayness, three men in black pursued her through the darkness. An arrow smashed the stony rooftop, causing sparks of light in the rainy night.

Not quite passive voice, but I feel like it could be improved a great deal by swapping a few word ordering and giving more impactful statements. It isn't a bad hook, but I'm just not loving the wording.

Some buildings had an escape ladder hanging on the back edge, but there were none on the buildings she had passed.

Redundant statement. You can remove the second one and replace it with something else: Some buildings had an escape ladder hanging on the back edge, but there were none on the ones she had passed.

Jayde felt a rush of wind pass right above her.

I'm pretty sure this is telling. You could write: A rush of wind gusted over Jayde's head. I still think that could be done better... I'm my own worst critic *Facepalm*

A horrible scream erupted, followed by fighting.

Fighting? Where? I think you could say: followed by the clash of weapons.

Remember: It's usually a good idea not to show the reader something the main character cannot see! Otherwise it starts feeling like we're getting an 'out of body' moment.


*Butterflyb* Overall: A decent read. Can do with some improvement, as can most anything, but it is worth the time to stop and read it. I'm not sure where Jayde is going to end up, but I do wish there were more of an explanation as to what is going on. I'm not even sure why those men were chasing her. And neither is she...


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1980378 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
Review of WolfBoy Todd  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A wolfish kid gets picked on by a bully day in and day out because of his canine appearance. I'm not even sure what you mean exactly by 'canine appearance'.

The character is first terrified, then angry at the fact that the bully picks on him because of how he looks. Yes. I agree that it's a stupid reason. In fact, I'd say it isn't a reason at all.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The new, weird door is so odd that I can't help but like it the most. The guy behind it was strange as well. Strange in a 'I'm not sure how I should feel about this' kind of way. It's almost funny.


*Moon* Suggestions: So I think this piece is okay, but there are a few things that could be toned down perhaps. For instance, there is no reason to mention someone's exact height in a novel. This is what bios are for later, if you really care that much about it. Saying 'he's taller and has ten pounds on me' is good enough for the reader.

Another thing I can't help but notice is there appears to be a slight tense change in there. I'm not familiar with this tense anyway, but you might want to read it over again just in case.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Looks like Todd found someone he can confide in at long last. He's just got to figure out where to start! The ray of hope in the end is a nice touch in my opinion. Things are getting better now.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of The sorrow  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I wasn't quite sure what the title had to do with anything right away, but as I read I understood this character grieved over something. Something I know nothing about, but is still possible to care for. She's upset. She stays out in the cold winds until she can't take it any more, then goes home. Quite pretty if you ask me.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's so little that I'd have to say the ending line was my favourite. It brought the most into the piece, mood, and what she was doing there for sure. I finally understood as I reached that last line.


*Moon* Suggestions: For the most part I'd say it's fine. You can't get much better than this with so few words to work with. I thought the font was a bit too tiny, but that's my opinion and it's your choice whether or not you change that.

Her spirit had been silent for several months.

I'm not entirely fond of this line for some reason.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Short, sweet, and a decent read. I can't argue with it and I don't want to. Good job. I think you've got a very good story, though short, on your hands here. This is just my opinion of course, but I think it's pretty much fine.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1993171 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Honestly when I clicked random review and got your item I was bored away by the block of text and almost clicked to move on. However...

As I read I really got interested in it and was curious to find out what exactly it would end like. A beautiful ending despite my trepidation at first.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the way you described this little trinket as if it meant the world to you. I could picture it all stained and ruined by smoke. The reminiscing along with the cleaning gives a more vibrant picture in my mind as to why it needed to be cleaned up to spotless perfection once more. If that would even be possible.


*Moon* Suggestions: I suggest double entering your paragraphs out for an easier read for your readers. The block of text was intimidating at first and nearly missed my interest in your piece.

There were also a few things that could use some improvement.

and put away for safe keeping until Bouckville is upon us.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'upon us'. I'm sure a whole village would not uproot itself and move to where they are.

Tom has a few beauties that he discovered on his own, without me even knowing.

I think this can be worded differently so your reader has a better idea of what you're trying to say without it being thrust in their face.

The seven foot cylindrical display case was now covered with an orange brown haze which made it hard to actually see inside.

There's no need to add that 'actually'. You either can, or you cannot. Once you've stated which it is, I understand and don't need those extra words.


*Butterflyb* Overall: A worthwhile read once I could stop myself long enough to read it. Surprisingly captivating despite the blocks of text that take away from its initial hook. I think you've done a good job to bring perspective to the era the TIMEX tower came from, and the era that is now.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1995457 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: So this is about someone crashing a party to steal some painting that two people (or more?) laid claims to. There is no indication as to what the painting is of, but the unfortunate caught thief is done away with as the piece ends. There is no room for failure in this line of work.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: He was found in the pantry and makes some feeble attempt at defending himslef, though spitting at the feet of the police isn't helping him any. It's obvious he's done something wrong. No one could fail to realize that much.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think the mood could be made more evident. I didn't feel anything much from it. Not even sorrow or 'he deserved that' got me at the end. Nothing to that at all. The spacing of paragraphs could do with some work to shape them up and the separation of the scene could be more obvious. Otherwise it isn't so bad.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Anyway I think this was a decent read. There's some obvious motion in the piece even if I'm not entirely sure where it all came from, just where it's going and where it ends. If you add some of that necessary motivation it could be much better.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1984849 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Saw your item on the Review Please page and thought I'd give you some feedback. I've read some of your stories quite a long while back now.

*Star* First Impressions: Faolan is going to save fellow dogs from the pits of some cruel pack that roams about and takes prisoners. For the fun of it or otherwise is not stated in any exact terms.

Seems odd to me that all the dogs would go off together. As if they're not expecting anyone to slip in behind them, or else they're far too confident in their strange devices.

Faolan is also startled to find a cat trapped in their pits, tied up in such a way that it can't escape. He shows some true character when he decides to let it go, even if many people associate cats and dogs as enemies.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Nice description, some good scenes going on and even good characterization. I like the dogs escaping even if I'm not sure how I should feel about ALL the wicked ones going out of camp at the same time.


*Moon* Suggestions: The chapter is short, almost as if it were a prologue instead of a chapter in fact.

There are quite a few things that could be picked out to make it roll off better. Such as 'slowly' 'only' 'thankfully' and 'thoroughly'. Those -ly endings should be minimized.

Seems to be a subtle tense shift from 'I am' to 'I was' if you get what I mean. That could be looked into just in case.

I leaned over the opening, peering through the branches, and called out to them.

I don't think 'they' were mentioned until this moment. Maybe he could notice the gleam of eyes in the darkness before he mentions any of 'them'.

How do the Sango dogs get you into the pits?”

Did might make more sense.

“come out one at a time. No wandering and no darting off on your own. We’ll leave together as a group.

A missing " on the end.

The overwhelming scent of carcasses drown out all else, but, this was where the voice was coming from.

Drowned, I think.

I took a single step forward and instantly heard an unexpected hiss.

This -ly ending can hit the road. Instantly isn't necessary. It was unexpected, therefore I figured that it was instant.

“Then you kill me,” the cat pleaded.

Maybe this can say 'then please kill me' or something.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'm not sure where this is leading yet, but it's a good start. It begins on an interesting note and ends on one, too. I wonder if this cat will have anything to do with later storyline? I'm curious to see where it will go from here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

Found your story on the Review Please page, as a huge fan of dragons and fantasy I couldn't resist.

*Star* First Impressions: This starts off on a rather flat note somehow. It's as if the opening is trying to be exciting but isn't quite managing it. Might be the choice of words. I'll address this down in the suggestions part, so wait for it.

This guy is looking for his lost daughter and, in the end, locates her alongside this dragon. You seem to have an interesting take on dragons. I'm curious to know where this is going and why, but it feels more like a short story than a chapter. There is a problem: The girl is missing. The problem is resolved: She is found at the side of a dragon and taken back. This is why, I guess. It doesn't feel like an opening to anything.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the dragon and how it behaves as it is told to give up a treasure. There is good evidence of a definite world behind it all, and there are only brief mentions of it. I can't stand people giving long boring history lectures in their novels and you didn't do this.


*Moon* Suggestions: I feel like the emotion behind this isn't quite defined enough. Though he behaves a certain way I don't have much of an idea how he feels on the inside unless I'm specifically told it. I found his emotions were more evident when faced with the dragon.

It really needs more emotion: A coldness at his chest... boiling rage reddening his face... stuff like that.

On the opening: maybe it would be better if you used shorter, more impactful statements to get the reader curious as to what is going on. I've heard numerous times that the shorter the sentence, the quicker and more exciting the scene appears to be. This could be done with the opening to give it urgency.

I'm not sure what you can do about the end of the chapter, as it is called, because I don't know where this is supposed to lead.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I enjoyed the read. There are a few points that could be improved, as I've said, but I didn't notice any typos or anything. The scenes you paint make good imagery in my imagination. I also, as a side comment, kind of like the name Forkbeard. Hehehe.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1985372 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
233
233
Review of Into Oblivion  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

This is in response to your review request for your short story: Into Oblivion. I'll try to catch mistakes and give you some suggestions on how to improve it.

*Star* First Impressions: This starts off with the main character mentioning that he'd killed someone to protect a person he loves. The dude tried to set him up, and the main character couldn't risk anything. He's got a crisis in how to deal with this, but convinces himself that he's got no choice.

It's written journal style at first. I get right inside the main character's head. He loves his wife, who loved her pictures and died for them, and later gives up his life to protect his daughter. He also calls Lacey a variety of nicknames, none of which are the same throughout.

In the end the point of view goes from first person journal style to third person past tense. This is jostling because it was first person up to the last moment.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The mood throughout was consistent. Sad, gripping even in its sadness. I think this is the best feature for its consistency and deepness of feeling. The skipping helped bring the damaged world into clearer focus while accentuating the sorrow of the people who lived in it.


*Moon* Suggestions: Personally I'm not fond of characters using swear words when they talk. In this case they might have been toned down but this is more or less my opinion.

The change of viewpoint from first person in a journal to third person past tense is confusing. The journal entry things weren't even displayed as if they were there to bring the story into focus before going over to Lacey. This is very confusing and disorienting to the reader.

This is for typos and mistakes I found:

..I took another mans life today

Should be 'man's' since it's possessive, and the life was his before it was taken from him.

" Just let me grab a few pictures. It's all that's left of memories."

I don't know if this was done purposefully or not, but it feels like there's a word missing somewhere.

Only 3' tallwith her long curly brown hair waving. She looked just like her mother.

You're missing a space between tall and with. I'm not sure if it's different in journal style, but I've heard you should not be specific with height. He could say that her head came up to his waist or even just below his elbow. Saying specifics is restricting to my imagination.

Running for the alley way, Emily dropped her duffle bag.

I'm fairly sure this is passive voice. So it could be: Emily dropped her duffel bag as she ran for the alley way.

A military truck was headed straight for her.

To remove the 'was' that's glaring in this sentence you could write: A military truck roared straight towards her.

Her life less body slump to the cold pavement. She was dead...

Lifeless can be one word. The last part of this paragraph is redundant in a way. By saying lifeless I could guess that she was dead. Perhaps he could do something to indicate that he realizes it himself. Screaming or anything to that effect.

The last bit isn't quite feeling enough for some reason. It's not bad. Maybe it just has to do with my mood, but I don't feel Lacey's heart breaking or the tears streaming down her cheeks. There could be a way to steepen the feeling there.

Seeing things the way they are nowi almost forgot how it used to be.

Now I*

My own daughter watched her mother shot to death.

I think you're missing a 'get' in there.

Summer is arou d the corner and there is no beach to enjoy.

Around*

Youre trespassing, and I don't like trespassers."

You're*

he said struggling to breath.

Breathe*


*Butterflyb* Overall: A tragic short story that depicts an unusual decline of mankind into what you call oblivion. Lacey, I hope, found some way to lead a semi-normal life. If anyone could have escaped that situation it would have been her.

I hope this was helpful for you.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A child of roughly eight years is being followed by strange yellow eyes. His brother seems unaware, and now that he's grown up and everything is leaving the younger one behind to a degree. Kind of sad.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Ahh... I like the description of the 'little caterpiller that consumed too many leaves'. One of the best lines of description in here as far as I'm concerned.


*Moon* Suggestions: My honest opinion here is that you are overusing the word 'felt'. You can find a better way to describe it. I'm sure you can. I can give you an example that might help.

I felt my heart beating in an insolent, little tune.

It could be: My heart thudded out an insolent little tune.

Even I could have done that better *Pthb* hard sentence.

He sometimes picked me up whenever I fell.

I have often heard that your narrator doesn't have to be uncertain. Yours doesn't either, eight year old or not.

Now that he;s in college

Should be a comma not a semicolon.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I'm not exactly sure what the ending summarizes for me. The beginning starts on the subject of yellow eyes, but in the description of the older brother I very nearly forgot about them all together.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
235
235
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An interesting piece describing a visit to the hospital, and her weird feelings after 'waking' up. In the end she's under the impression she left her own body. I'm not exactly sure why, but it makes for a nice ending anyway.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Ah, the bright lights. A good job describing them, too. Good imagery. I can imagine what she's seeing as she wakes up from the surgery, groggy and uncertain. Bright, and noisy. Yes.


*Moon* Suggestions: Noticed some repetitive word problems in here.

The next one is sight except everything is so bright, a little bit too bright.

Try not to use the words 'a little'. Not unless they're totally necessary. You'll find they're not hard to do without if you practice.

The pounding of my head is so intense I can't even think about what is happening. Ringing in my ears is intense.

The second 'intense' could be replaced with 'extreme' instead.

"Doctor, you need to come down right, away."

I'm anything but a grammar expert, but I find it really weird that there's a comma there.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad at all. I find I'm actually liking this. It's got some great qualities, and good imagery. Reason, motive, and even decent dialogue. Just be careful about repeating words twice within the same sentence (or even the same paragraph), and the words 'a little'.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1983484 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
236
236
Review of Out of her depth  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Two friends are quarelling because they view this prom differently. One is a clever one trying to graduate and get degrees while the other is a beauty without any real depths as a person. All she cares about are parties and other such things, it would appear.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The dialogue is good. I like the way they conflict without really getting nasty towards each other.


*Moon* Suggestions: The ending paragraph puzzles me no matter how I try to read over it. Perhaps you could clarify things just a bit so that the reader doesn't go over it and think "huh?".


*Butterflyb* Overall: Cute little short story about two girls who have different views on this prom, and how things end in a rather disturbing way. Or at least as far as I can tell.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1983484 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
237
237
Review of The Last Day  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Caught my attention because I'm homeschooled, and finishing school was never a big deal for me because I never went anywhere to do it. This gives me a good impression of a person who is going to stop going to school and is sort of nostalgic about leaving it behind. Doing something day in, day out, and then finally being released.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's feeling in it, both joy and regret mixed together. I can imagine the feeling well enough. I HATE math. I'm no good at it, and as such I always looked forward to it just ending and my mother to stop nagging me to do it. When it ended, I kind of missed it. Ironic.


*Moon* Suggestions: Not much I can suggest for this. That second paragraph starts kind of awkwardly, and is followed by a sentence that makes me raise an eyebrow. Try not to use the same words too many times really close to one another. It gets boring very quickly.


*Butterflyb* Overall: A good piece, though short. I think it conveys a lot of meaning in its shortness. Kind of abrupt, as if to get across the mood fast and not force another to dwell upon it. *sighs dramatically*, I must be getting tired...


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
238
238
Review of I Remember  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I lived on a hobby farm for a little while and ice cream, the store bought ice cream, is rare for us. Our roosters even crowed in the middle of the night sometimes if there was a full moon. I like this because it reminds me of some of my own experiences with animals.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Nice description on farm life here, and older times. I always found these things fascinating so I couldn't resist but to read this. I love the premise, and the way one made ice cream.


*Moon* Suggestions: No suggestions for the most part, but I'm pretty sure numbers below 100 should be written out. It helps make reading easier for us.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Like it. Old lifestyles are always interesting for someone like me, who used to read Laura Ingalls Wilder among other things. I think you did a nice job.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1897877 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
239
239
Review of Blink once  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: The lights set the mood for the whole tragedy that occurs in this piece. This someone is in a great deal of trouble, and clearly quite socked out from some terrible ordeal. The flashbacks are a good way to set the rest of the story.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Blinking to wet your dry, dry eyes. My right eye tends to get dry at night, so I often find myself blinking over and over again in rapid succession. So that's why I find it a good way to give the piece mood.


*Moon* Suggestions: There are a few awkward spaces in here. For example: " I don't know why..." Should be no spaces after this " thing if you get my drift. I know you're doing 300 word flash fiction so I guess asking to elaborate is asking too much, but it might be better if you give him some more flashback memory. Just to make things more apparent to the reader.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Tragic. So very tragic. Though it is curious as to whether the kids survived the initial accident in the first place, but calling off the search... I don't know. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That's a good thing, though. It means you've done a good job setting the mood here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1897877 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
240
240
Review of Nature's Lessons  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A cute little poem of some kind that tells of the flower and the bee. Nice rhythm and rhyme, and even an interesting picture as if to illustrate the whole thing.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I liked the first line best because the rhythm seems most consistent with the rhythm for some reason or another.


*Moon* Suggestions: Now I know it doesn't really matter much, but worker bees that gather nectar are she's, not he's. Also I'm not a poet, but I find in the second line the rhyming and rhythm is slightly off-beat. Or maybe I am, who knows. It is up to you if you do anything with it.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Nice. I like the premise behind this poem, and the picture on top. My mother happens to be very passionate about bees, and nature. It also helps put a picture in my mind as I'm reading. I'm not a poet, and I don't usually enjoy poetry, but yours is okay as far as I'm concerned.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
241
241
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Someone has taken a strange job and is really wishing he hadn't done so. There's no real indication what's going on here, but at least I can tell there's some motion in the piece and everything.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The constant want to change jobs and the mention of what those jobs are I actually kind of like. It makes it seem to me that he feels ANYTHING is better than what he's doing right now.


*Moon* Suggestions: There's a lot of confusion right smack in the beginning. It gives curiosity, but also the feeling that the reader doesn't care and has no real necessity to continue reading.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting piece when right at the end he gives a glimpse as to what their job really is. Sounds mean, and they appear to be kidnappers. An interesting way to end it in my opinion.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
242
242
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Damian, who is on the opposing side as Angel, doesn't seem quite so enthusiastic about his role. He comes across as the type that would slack off if given half the chance to do so. Like Angel he has conflicting opinions regarding his superior, but he's much more outspoken about it. Where Angel is cool and polite, Damian is seething and annoyed. On the whole the alleged 'Hell' doesn't seem so much worse than the supposed 'Heaven'.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I actually like the plot up until this point. This is going to lead so some conflict in the future, but neither Damian nor Angel seem particularly violent. In my personal opinion I liked Angel better, but Damian is okay too. This isn't the right section, but I also don't really like the king, possibly because Damian doesn't.


*Moon* Suggestions: In my opinion I think this chapter is a bit better written than the one previous. Still a few too many of the word 'was'. There are a few typos here and there, but it's not too bad. Something else...

“No, you may not leave. Damien, this is all for you! This is all for your nineteenth birthday! Besides, I do not have the authority to let you leave.” The old butler gestured toward the king.
Arcaeus, without looking at Damien and Lizle, said in a monotone voice,

There should probably be more distinction in this piece where Arcaeus takes over the motions. When reading fast it very nearly seems like Lizle is responsible. I'm sure Lizle is intended to be formal, but for the sake of more urgent dialogue you could change a few words. Instead of saying 'I do not' he could say 'I don't'. Makes it feel more real. Though if you want to leave it really formal that's okay, too.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I like the plot for my part. Overall it isn't bad even though some places could use more improvement or more description. A good story so far, and I'm interested enough to keep reading more once you get that far along. The two main characters are good, and they feel real enough to me.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
243
243
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I'm so looking forward to spring myself. That's part of the reason why I read this poem. Seems like a nice description of how winter changes into spring, and kind of how it happens too.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The referrence to how winter turns into spring. I like winter just fine, but after a while I do get so tired of it. Summer, too. I guess that's why there are four seasons.


*Moon* Suggestions: This poem I like better. Seems to be better oriented in its rhythm. Not so many 'banging down the stairs' lines. I noticed one that kind of damaged it, though. Only in my opinion mind you.

On to warmth and laughter,
And from the night greet day.

I don't know why this just... doesn't do it for me. Otherwise... it's okay.


*Butterflyb* Overall: A nice little poem of winter turning into spring. It's a good poem in my humble opinion, but since I know very little of poetry that could mean anything. So, good job.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1897877 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
244
244
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Angel is a nineteen year old general who has special abilities due to genetic manipulation. There's a war going on, and everyone is hoping that he can stop it. However he seems to be a touch mouthy to his superiors, and wry besides. He's not been told the reason of the war so as the reader I am not sure. Also, the stars don't shine anymore. Strange.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: A good plus on this is that even if Angel is somewhat forward, I do find myself liking him a great deal. So I'd say he was my favourite element so far and that is unique considering.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'll start this off by saying you need to cut back on the word 'was' and increase description in those places where that word is predominant. The word had and the -ly's are only somewhat better.

There needs to be a more impacting opening line. Viewing someone sitting around in their room is not interesting at all, nor will it hook anyone. You want to do something about this. Infodumping isn't too bad in here, but you'll want to watch out for that as well. I can see we'll need to know Angel's history, but not all in one jumble of a paragraph.

This is war and Angel is quite clearly a hero even if he hasn't done much of anything yet. There's also some angst between him and his superior officer. There might need to be explanation of this earlier, or maybe you can leave it as 'whatever he did to Sethaniel is enough to irritate Angel'. Either way will work.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I actually think the plot is fairly good for a start. It has some interesting points and a good main character. Or at least protagonist, there's nothing saying he's going to be the only lead character in this novel. I wonder why the war started, and why the stars aren't shining any more. It seems that Angel is going to find all this out in due time.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
245
245
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: First of all I'm not a huge fan of poetry but your title really caught my eye. So I'm going to do my best to help you out on this poem. I like the general feel of it since it seems to capture the feeling of betrayal in an interesting light.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Interesting way to potray feelings of betrayal and the way it comes across. I like how you liken it to various physical things.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm not a poet at all so feel free to ignore any of this since it is just my opinion. The rhyming and rhythm is good, but there were a few parts were it seemed to bang its way down the stairs or hit a snag, if you will.

I am the pain of the winter's ice,
Treacherous beneath your feet;
Brittle words will break by stroke and slice,

For "I am the pain of the winter's ice' I think the second 'the' can be excluded without trouble. As for that last line... well, it just doesn't seem to flow quite so well.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Good for a poem. I'm not a poet. I Actually kind of like it. I don't know if I've got the rhythm of it right so I hope that was of some assistance.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
246
246
Review of Sky Fortress  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A poem about a fortress in the sky. Interesting. I decided to review this because I found it sort of interesting, and I think I might be able to help even if I'm anything but a poet myself.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The fact that it is a fortress in the sky. A fascinating idea. The poem itself paints some pictures in my mind as well.


*Moon* Suggestions: For suggestions I think I can help, but if you don't agree remember you aren't obligated to change anything if you don't want to.

Though the land is small
The fortress its self is tall

Perhaps it could be:

Though the land is small
The fortress stands tall

I'm not a poet though. I hope that was helpful.


*Butterflyb* Overall: As I said, a fabulous idea and a nice poem. This from someone who is not at all interested in poetry. So I think this is all I can say... I hope I was of some help anyhow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
247
247
Review of Jimmy Moses  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I'm not exactly sure the context of this, but it seems well written. It also captures the character of these people talking, and some of the atmosphere as well. I think you did a fine job, even if I have no clue what exactly is going on. I'm guessing it has some referrence from somewhere else, but I'm not yet sure.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: His hands are shaking, and according to the person next to him they always shake. This is good characterization in my opinion. I liked it, and the way he tried to get their attention back on him.


*Moon* Suggestions: One suggestion to follow up with this line:

“Back off blondie I knew you when your name was Robert and we played on the same baseball team.”

I wonder if there should be some referrence as to how the other person reacts to this statement? But it is your choice.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad at all. As I said, I'm not sure of the context so I don't know what he saw, but I enjoyed it just the same. That's a good thing, I guess. Good characterization, and nice dialogue. Overall... good.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
248
248
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A cooking contest of sorts with Guyton and Lucien in competition. One of them will win, and Guyton seems fairly confident... until his competition resorts to some dirty technique to get himself in the top. I wonder if he was ever caught.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: So short, and sweet too. A job well done in my opinion. The characters were only there for a brief moment, and while they were I got a sense of who they were through how they acted. That's good for something of this length.


*Moon* Suggestions: I think this is good the way it is, but I noticed a typo or two, and a paragraph wrongly separated. One more thing to think about...

Lucien looked at Guyton.

That could be "Lucien glanced towards him". There's no need to repeat Guyton's name after you just mentioned Lucien's like that. Otherwise... this was enjoyable to say the least.

*Butterflyb* Overall: Not a bad little short. I liked to read it even if the ending was kind of morbid. A part of me hopes Lucien gets caught, while another part of me hopes he gets away with it. Or at least long enough to win that competition.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
249
249
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: This is a symbolic and beautiful piece. He seems to have changed, and yet he's not really in himself any longer. I don't have the word to describe it right now, as I usually don't when I'm trying to think of something, but I did find this a moving and unique story.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The notes and the violin were all painting a vivid picture in my imagination as I read it. I liked that because it gave me a fairly good image of what was going on. However I'm not sure what the shop looked like, but where he was focused seemed to be all that mattered.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice some typos, or maybe they were unintentional who knows, that I thought I might point out for you since I have no other suggestions as of now.

One of oldest violin in the shop...

Should be 'violins', I think.

“Thank You...

I don't think the 'y' should be caps locked.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting, spell-binding one could say. I'm not really familiar with the symbolism, but I did enjoy reading it well enough. Good job on that. A good read with no strings attached to it. Hehe. That's all.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1975202 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
250
250
Review of Xavier's Changing  
Review by Antonia Ryder
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An interesting subject to be sure. Decent descriptions and an okay way to start this piece as well. Because of what Xavier is going through the reader can sympathize with him as a person. He's geeky, nerdy, and he's sick and tired of it!


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Xavier seems like a real enough person to me, although if I'd had all that happen to me I'd be both freaked out and wishing I'd be back to normal. That's just me, and I guess for Xavier is was kind of a blessing in disguise. As for his friend, well if I were him I'd have believed in the long run, but I would be scared of him instead of happy to go on as if nothing happened.


*Moon* Suggestions: I noticed some repetetive words in this piece. Well, maybe not SOME as opposed to MANY. You need to use various words to describe one thing rather than repeating it over and over again. I'm not saying your descriptions are bad, but the repetition did get annoying after a time. That can be easily fixed though. Otherwise I noticed some typos, as per usual for any piece.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not too bad overall. I'm not quite sure where this is going and it ends quite suddenly, but I guess that's for the better. I enjoyed it to some degree, but it doesn't end satisfactorily. It leaves the reader on a bit of a cliff hanger. Anyway, that's all for now.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Image ID #1974674 Unavailable **


If you have time please visit my portfolio. Reviews are appreciated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
263 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 11 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/takingafterme/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10