When discussing the pigs escaping the stick house, you also call it straw “seeing the pigs escape the straw building out of the corner of my eye” you may want to just double check details for consistency.
Some minor spelling issues, for example confusing breathes with breaths.
Overall, very well structured and put together. The adherence to the original story made the ending known ahead of time, but the interpretation meant I was pulled in enough to keep reading to the end!
I love the style in which it is written, good old pulp which suits the story. However, the sentence "Though the light was subdued in this tented arena and the shadows heavy, it was enough to etch the sight into my brain forevermore" feels a bit out of place style wise compared to how the rest is written.
Well written and an abosulte joy to read. The words seem to fit and in one sense almost as if no other word could go there and sit well.
Only suggestion I would make is if someone loved rats, why would they turn into one as part of their own hell? I get the carrion and so forth, but I suppose most people associate someone's hell as being something they detest or are fearful of.
I quite like this piece. I think the mistake a lot of people make with themes like this is dragging it out for too long. I think you have chosen your length well.
I also like that you opted to make your protagonist vulnerable instead of likeable. While the story in some ways had a Dexter feel for me, those sorts of books intend to make their 'hero' likeable, causing the audience to care about them and provide them with sympathy. Here, we do not know his motive, if he really is a 'hero' or even if we would like him. But there is no doubt in our mindsof his vulnerability, this causing sympathy as well.
It comes across as a Top 10 list, or something circulated in email - which is not a bad thing given some of the most amusing things I have read in my life have been through emails.
I'm a female (with all her hair!) and still I understood the concept and had a giggle. Only thing I would suggest is be careful using acronyms like FAA. Most foreign countries would not understand this.
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