*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: ON
1,485 Public Reviews Given
1,947 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: I read and have read many accounts of the Jewish Holocaust. In this story the reader is taken to the lines leading to the killing pits. I like the information given during the dialogue so the reader knows who are there and why. I liked the idea of this piece and what it represents. It was dark, and for the uninformed it was a well written dialogue. I find no fault in the dialogue portion.

Style of writing: This a dialogue only. Very difficult to write if one is not careful. You have done a very good job, allowing a little information at a time to be revealed.

What I Liked: We see the fear and the resignation of the two walking together.

What Needs Work: At first there is two walking with no gender, later we see that it is a man and woman walking naked in the woods.
“No, I don’t. I’m from the other line.”
“Ah well I don’t know but I feel so strange this way - naked.”
“Me too.”
“Which... one are you from?”
“Birkenau. And you?”
“Treblinka.”
“Will we ever go home?”
“We might.” They are naked. No where in any work I have read was there men and women sent to be killed, naked, in a wooded area. While this may be supposition on your part, it doesn't detract from the story just my knowledge of the situation.
You start the conversation with the two in ignorance. As we see above they wonder if they will go home. There is hope.
“Maybe this is why they hate us.”
“Why?”
“We are so many… and we don’t stop coming. They don’t know what to do with us anymore.”
“I want my pass.”
“There’s no pass. It’s a one way trip.” here there is foreknowledge of what is going to happen. I was confused. Did they know or not know what was going on.
“This has been going on day and night for 7 days. We talk to one another in the lines. We whisper our names… Bathia, Isaac, Chava, Abraham, Olga, Adar… so that the last one will remember the names in case he or she… survives.” he has knowledge of things not in evidence. I do love this sentence. The thought behind it was wonderful and so like them. To keep the names in the air to God.
“And I, you, Anna. I will close my eyes now because I want my last thought to be of you looking at me... with your long, black hair, your somber, gray eyes and your tears rolling down your lovely face. Why---why---are your tears so dark? I have the feeling you were trying to make a relationship between these two who met for just a few moments in a walk to their death. From everything I have read and seen, the conversation would be limited to what you have at the beginning. Who, what, and where they were from in case there was some connection and some reason for why they were here in this place. Good dialogue composition.
252
252
Review of Some Thoughts...  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: Very interesting thoughts that you bring forth, Nothing new but just a reminder of that if you expect little, you will not be disappointed.

Style of writing: This is not poetry more prose, written more as thoughts on the subject of comparing what we have to those who have not.
When you overcome serious relationship problems, don't hold those memories in your heart but remember the joy of having crossed over one more bridge; the gods only test the strongest.
Be strong. I am not sure what gods are testing so this used in the context of Easter was confusing.


What I Liked:
Some want a more bountiful meal; others just a meal. Some want a more pleasant life; others want to live. Some want enlightened parents; others want parents. Some want to have light eyes; others want to see. Some want to have a beautiful voice; others want to speak. Some want silence; others want to listen. Some want new shoes; others want to have legs food for thought and yet there is much here that can be expanded to a deeper meaning.
The lower wisdom is given by how much a person knows, and is given by how much she realizes she does not know. Have the upper wisdom: be a lifelong learner in the school of life. It sounds good, but I am not sure what it means.

What Needs Work:
The thoughts are sometimes inconclusive.
Smile, play, cry, kiss, love, feel, dream, scream, and above all, live. The end is not always the ending. Life is not always... real. The past is not always... gone. Sometimes the present has not... stayed yet, and today is not always... now. Everything that goes, comes -- and if something comes back, it's because it was made with love.
Love. This is almost poetic but there is no meaning to the words. Put together like this I am lost to the point. Just pretty words with no real meaning.
My greatest question is what does it have to do with the title? Nothing in the body of the writing has any connection to the title. It may be that this was written on Easter?
253
253
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is not a review. It is just a comment on the subject matter of this newsletter. I am in absolute agreement. There are times when I don't feel like writing, the well is dry or I am just too busy to add that to my task. I do reach out to read and review. I personally feel that by doing this, I am keeping the writer active, because who knows when you are reading, an idea might pop up and it can be put on the paper I keep handy. Then there are times that I will go to a genre that I know will put my mind in an active state. Where thoughts and opinions will fly fast and furious. The stimulation will always set the writer inside to craft prose that is thoughtful and intense at times. I have left the computer with a smile and sometimes with a new idea or perspective. As you laid out above, it isn't always about writing, the reading is what inspires us, to READ ON my friends.
254
254
Review of Grounded by God  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: As a fellow christian I too have found myself in similar situations of deep frustration and anger. When you wrote each of the elements to this story I was right there walking with you. Even now there are tears in my eyes as I know your love and feeling toward your daughter and her choices. You expressed the actions and your reactions very deeply.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To meet her daughter who was to be sent to the hospital. She was released after a week and then 2 days later I got a call from school stating that they were sending her back by ambulance and I needed to leave work right away and head that way. We see the urgency of the situation.
I have to say I was sad, scared and angry all at the same time. Now there is more drama thrown into the situation. You words spoke well of what was going on.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This was your daughter and you loved her. No other reason than that needs to be said. We love our children no matter what choices they make that hurt us.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
I honestly didn’t know what to feel and I must say God heard more than his fair share of anger on that 30 minute drive headed down south to the hospital they were sending her too. Here was the first "conflict" that you needed time to prepare for. The anger is still underlying.
I had to reroute the ambulance to a hospital up north, 40 minutes from the hospital I was currently at. an additional time in the car, frustration mounting.
So now, not only am I already frustrated but I can’t even find Alexa let alone know what is going on with her. You tell each conflict bringing the reader right along with you on this journey.
Although I certainly was not in a spiritual place at the moment I said, “yes please” and she did. This woman stopped you, seeing the place you were in.


*Pencil* Resolution: Finally I felt a sense of peace come over me. Not that the situation was okay, but that God did in fact have it under his control and that yes he is even there when you least feel it or for me refuse to let yourself feel it. This was the best example of a resolution. The rest was just your wrap up. You did a great job here.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Most definitely. We see the rise of emotion and repeatedly there is God's attempt to tell you he was right there. Your normal reaction to a stressful situation, but your faith came to bare each time, but you were trying to handle it yourself. In the end, you realized that He was there all the time, waiting patiently in line for you to call on him for help.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I would like to start with the most obvious. The layout of your piece. The size of the font and how it is all crammed together puts reader off. I almost didn't read it, but I was intrigued by some of the words that popped out at me. Maybe God was telling me this was important for me also.
Each stop should be a different paragraph. Spaces between the paragraphs would help make the reading easier and more pleasant.
You told this as a conversation between you and your reader. You kept the conversation true to the POV and it made reading it more and more interesting as it progressed.
You can do all this with a simple "carriage return" ha "Enter" button. No need to indent, if you go to edit and check the box that says to "add pace between paragraphs" it will be done automatically.

You write very well and I will be looking to see more from your port. Since you have written something that happens to many, your conclusion is what makes the difference between a Christian and a Sinner. Then when you look back and see what you have been through, you just realize how much you are loved. This has nothing to do with your writing but about you as a person with the ability to tell a story well. Not all can lay claim to such a gift.



** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

255
255
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It started with action. Immediately you knew something was wrong.The bullets that previously hummed by and gash on her cheek had become dry and crusted and worst of all her teeth were all gone, chips and pieces still lining her mouth The action doesn't stop. You have a great start to an action story! (Check your sentance structure here)

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character?
A single tear trickled down her cheek as she leaned against the car unable to even call out for help. She has been running away from someone, but at this time we do not know where to or why.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? She awoke strapped to a chair. Metal braces secured her hands and feet in place, the bolts digging their way into her flesh She is recaptured and must endure more torture. Later we find she has been infected. The conflicts just get more intense and leave many questions which intices the reader to continue.

*Pencil* Resolution: None as this is a beginning but the hook at the end of the piece is just that. It really leads the reader to want to continue

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No character building. removed her stark white lab coat letting it float carefully to the ground. we now know she is a Doctor or works in some kind of laboratory. She must be smart and has a strong will.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
A few things didn't work for me. IF they were shooting at her so that the bullets buzzed by, how could they have missed hitting her? I doubt they would send untrained men to get her, so I think you need to fix this. There has to be a reason she wasn't hit. She knew the area better than they did. She heard the bullets bouncing around her as she moved from building to ruined building. Now there is a little more info about the setting you didn't give us.
If her teeth had all been broken the pain she would be in would be almost mind numbing. Another thing you might think about, is being stabbed with a needle. I have to give myself a shot once a month. Even after years there is a prick going in but no pain coming out. Do a little study here. They would not need a thick needle if it is going into a human. It needn't be long if it is going into her calf, they want it to take effect quickly, so a short thin needle would dispurse the drug quickly.
Here is one other detail that made me go HMM. If she was bolted to a chair, how did he get her lab coat off? Maybe before they put her in the chair? or maybe they cut it off? Why did he let it "float carefully?" This is an act of politness? What you described was act of terrorism, there was nothing "nice" in their previous actions.

I think a little more about the setting could be interspersed in the story by just having the characters looking, touching, moving things in the room. I realize you don't want to give too much away, but little hints give the reader some reference to the setting. Future? presant, past?


** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

256
256
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (5.0)
AMEN! I can't change a thing and I stand right along side of you to ask the same question. When I get resistance about my firm beliefs I ask "Can you afford to be wrong?"
I can. If there is no God, heaven or hell, I have lived a great life with a supernatural supporter. However, If you are wrong and you have not asked Jesus to be your personal savior and there is a consequence to this action of spending eternity in hell, what are you going to do about it?
257
257
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is too precious! I honestly hope you will be able to keep your membership. This story is priceless. However it reminds me of a story my mother-in-law told me about my husband and his sisters. We have alters in our church and pray aloud (in the old days more so than now) But there was one gentleman in the church that would rock back and forth as he prayed.
One afternoon the 3 children were playing church in the back yard. My M-I-L looked outside to see her son (my husband) giving the alter call then kneeling at the bench and praying out loud, more like howling and rocking back and forth. My blessed M-I-L rushed out and gathered the kids inside, wondering what the neighbors thought about our church!! *Bigsmile*
I love Kaleb and look forward to reading more about this little saint of God.
258
258
Review of The Mystic  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this picture! It is mystical and delicate all in one. Great choice!
259
259
Review of Infected  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kittygirl,
*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Everything!! You have a great story here. I loved the plot, the imagery I will tell more below. This is an A1 story with a little tweaking. You need to post this in a contest or just for more reviews.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Kera needs to get to the safety of Jamie's office.
"She had to make it to Jamie’s office. She had to get out of the flow of foot traffic and away from all of these infected people. Clutching at her side she willed herself to sprint the remaining two blocks." We see the intensity and drive to get somewhere safe away from those who are infected.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Kera sees something in people that others do not see. You didn't explain what it is, but we get the point that it represents evil.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? she can't look at people because she see this Dark Matter in almost everyone she meets. The intensity of the Dark Matter can either be ignored by her or it makes the person more aggressive toward Kera.

*Pencil* Resolution: She is totally tricked and committed to a mental hospital.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story We see Kera's personality, her fears and then what the issue was. We see the possible injustice of what Jamie determined her problem.



*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
“No, leave me alone.” Kera stuttered as she stumbled away. Fear tied a hot knot in the pit of her stomach. Pulling out her bottle of pills she quickly swallowed two. They scratched her throat as they went down dry. - I wondered after reading to the end if the drugs were causing the problem. I would rather see her as having ESP and seeing the "bad" in each person revealed than believing that some experimental drug was causing this. Just my thoughts.
Really there wasn't much in the story I didn't like. It was a wonderful, visual depicting of Kera and her problem. A great twist at the end. Good job!



** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

260
260
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Elizabeth,!
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: This entire piece was very confusing. I couldn't find a goal for the main character. Even a nightmare while it maybe odd and confusing in real life, to be a story there has to be a beginning middle and ending. I could find none.

We meet Vanessa in a dream state. We are told back story, that she was a slave and escaped her captors being pushed off a cliff into water by her friend Allison. We know that life as a slave was hard. She escaped and arrived at a quaint town. From there the loose ends of the story are never tied. Except that at sometime Vanessa and Joshua picked apples and when she awoke there was an apple on her dresser.

What I Liked: I really think you have the bare bones of a good story line. You need to take the pieces of this story apart and put them back together from the beginning of her life. It would make a great scary story. You left enough blanks to be filled in with more characters situations.

What Needs Work: "No sound, no nothing, and he was there." No nothing is a double negative. Leave out the "no" and describe another "nothing" light? wind? air?
I suggest you take this story and ask what is the Vanessa's goal? what is motivating her to reach that goal and what conflicts (joshua?) does she have trying that keep her from the goal? What is the resolution? I could not answer any of these questions in this piece.
261
261
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear B,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: A mechanic, whose name is never mentioned, not even by Amy the office girl. The other, a man with odd looks and actions. The mechanic develops from a casual onlooker, one that is somewhat sympathetic,“Yeah!” My fists clenched at the display of unnecessary force. “You get out of here!” I screamed. “Quit picking on an old woman!” to one that followed the rest of the crowd and berated him. “Hey, buddy. What’s the deal? Didn’t you get enough flack this morning? Get off the street!” My voice fell deaf[t]ly upon the multiple shouts. The progression follows what happens to most people when the mass moves to a certain persuasion. Yet at the end, the realization of what might have been convicts the mechanic and he is condemned.

*Quill* Point Of View:Stays consistent. We are observers of the actions and hear only the mechanic's mind.

*Quill*Plot:A mechanic gets wounded in the process of his job and wants to have a quiet evening after a particular challenging day. Through out the day he is an observer of a strange man with even stranger actions. Each time he encounters the man and his consistent weirdness, his reaction changes. In the end he comes to realize that his perceptions may have been way off base and he should have been more lenient in his reactions. He was rewarded in spite of his actions.

*Quill*Pace:A bit slow at times, not as crisp as it could have been, but it worked well in setting up the action and follow-up.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:I liked the story. I am a sucker for stories with a ethereal meaning. I want a parable and I immediately looked for a bigger story with the introduction of the strange man. You gave him all the elements of someone we have seen or heard of and the reader then has expectations. You fulfilled them. I was pretty sure what the end was going to be and I was not disappointed.

*Quill*What Needs Work:We don't have the mechanic's name. He is a bit of a nameless body walking and talking, but it works. I love story so that bit wouldn't detract for me. I didn't notice it until I started filling this out and looked for a name.
“What?” A professional woman with two of her girlfriends in the booth to my left said. This did not work for me. I didn't need this much information and why would a mechanic make this observation?
She turned and stuck the microphone into the professional woman in the booth’s face who, unknown to me, had emerged from Mickie’s and stood behind me. This read odd to me.The sentence is choppy. It also sounds like she stuck the microphone INTO the woman's face like a cartoon. You might want to rework that sentence.
'She turned to the next person who came out of the diner. It was one of the two women in the booth he had stood next to. He waited to see what her reaction would be.'
The last thing that bothered me was the man's drowning. Normally anyone who jumps or falls into water and sinks will have some of the people following him jumping in to save him. They would not just LET him drown. However, people will stop and have a discussion about what he was doing and if he was going to come back up. When he doesn't there will be men who will jump in and save him. The fact you just said he drown left me confused. How could he drown with all those people and media there? It just wouldn't happen. I also did not see the purpose if him committing suicide. That seemed at odds with the result of the mechanic's healing. I would rather him have been in an accident due to those around him not observing the traffic rules. Possibly others were hurt but not as bad and him dying was in place of someone else, a child perhaps. More in line with the actions of a strange man who marches to a different beat yet conforms to the inner beliefs of most people.


You've just been reviewed by a Paper Doll Gang member

** Image ID #1518357 Unavailable **
262
262
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear B,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: Vince an astronaut,his pet a hamster and Mr. Kruger a Federal bureaucrat are the characters in this story. We know the astronaut is a master manipulator and the bureaucrat is a typical civil servant. Otherwise known to most as an idiot. As the story develops we see the personalities of both men revealed. The hamster is a silent partner.


*Quill*Plot:Vince is trying to convince Mr. Kruger to allow his pet hamster to join him on a space flight. Mr. Kruger is against it and states the usual falderal of regulations. Vince trumps his opposition with a tactic that pins Mr. Kruger to the wall and cannot not refute it because of his own need or greed. Thus the astronaut wins and the hamster gains the rest of his short life traveling.

*Quill*Pace:Very well done. Executed with precision and few words. The escalation to the climax was swift and left the reader with a chuckle that burst forth without restraint.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I loved it all. I especially loved the fact that in a few words, the devotion to a pet and the rapier whit and mechanism of Vince overwhelmed the stereotypical government lackey.
"You understand it would be a violation if you mentioned this to the board? I was not supposed to divulge it.”
The words painted a perfect picture of the office and position Mr. Kruger thought he held. It also shows that conceit and self possession will be the downfall of anyone. It took me immediately to the movie The Office I could see this man in one of those positions.

*Quill*What Needs Work: Nothing. The ability to present a goal, insert a conflict and set a resolution that is unexpected is a talent. I will look forward to reading more.


You've just been reviewed by a Paper Doll Gang member

** Image ID #1518357 Unavailable **
263
263
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear EvilDawg

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters:Evan took Lana to dinner at a dive.
" Evan glanced over his shoulder and could smell the foul breath of the hulking biker."
" she said as she kicked her chair back with enough force to slam into the vacant table behind her."
" Evan was visibly shaking, but he tried to keep up tough appearances for his young date; which proved to be unnecessary."

*Quill* Point Of View: the reader is watching the action and it stays consistent throughout.

*Quill*Plot: Two lovers were on a date. They were accosted by a biker dude and his posse. When Evan would try to make peace, Lana jumped up and answered the challenge herself.

*Quill*Pace:Moved from calm to challenge, to conflict then resolution very smoothly and well done.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: Great story. I like the gradual pace to the end. The biker dude was arrogant confrontational. Lana answers the challenge with one of her own and became the winner.


*Quill*What Needs Work:Nothing with the story line. This was just a little bothering to me.
"The biker and his gang fell on the floor, writhing in agony as the globe pulsed light to every corner of the restaurant." There was no explanation to why Evan was not effected by the light and he didn't question it. Also, what happened to the others in the Pub? This was just a little bothering to me.
Other than that I really enjoyed the story and you used the prompts very well.


You've just been reviewed by a Rising Star Member!

** Image ID #1663166 Unavailable **
264
264
Review of The Ice Warrior  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear pontif

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: You have great characters, well defined, good emotion and connectivity. We see both the giant and Jeremiah. We see their desires and goals. Good job

*Quill* Point Of View:I didn't see any problems here.

*Quill*Plot:Jeremiah needs money, giant has money (don't know how J. knew that though.) Jeremiah steals the money, just enough for the present problem.

*Quill*Pace:Good beginning then lost pace at end. A rush to finish. My guess there was a WC limit.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:Very good start to a story. Jeremiah has a goal,He is motivated by the lack of money. The giant and weather are the conflict. All is well in the end.

*Quill*What Needs Work:You have Jeremiah's goal and motivation. If you plan to keep this in your port you need to fix some things and expand the story. How did he know there would be money in the cave?
What did his wife unbuttoning her dress have to do with anything? Not appropriate for this story as it did nothing to further the goal.
From there on the story fell apart. Nothing was realistic. He ate all the other children, There has to be something about the little girl that makes him stop. She feinted then he tried to talk to her. If she saw him eating all the other children she would have been screaming as the other children were and why did no one hear them? This paragraph has some major grammar problems. Please read it aloud.
I like that Jeremiah is missing his daughter, have you witnessed lost children? No parent sleeps, the whole village would be up looking. Jeremiah would feel worse because he has an idea where they are. Eaten and he is just sick. My suggestion is he gets the group of village men to go to the cave, but the Giant scares the men away. But Jeremiah sees the female giant holding something in her arms that looks like his daughter's dress.
When the girl is allowed to return to the village there is anger at why she was not killed. Was she a witch that put a spell on the Giant to let her go after all the others were killed?
See? in the middle of a kind gesture, humans think the worst and have to put blame on something. Since they are afraid of the Giant and can not control him, they blame Jeremiah and his family and want to kill all of them. Just an idea. You may or may not like it at all.


You've just been reviewed by a Rising Star Member!

** Image ID #1518357 Unavailable **
265
265
Review of The Rose Dress  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (2.5)
This needs to be formatted with paragraphs and spaces between the paragraphs. I can't tell who is talking or what the story is about. I will raise the rating when it is done and I can properly read and review it. Let me know when you are ready for a re-read.Sorry.
266
266
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Dawn♥Embers,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: Nickola Tesla is a little known member of history. This piece gives a historic brief about his life and his achievements.

*Quill* Point Of View:This is a narrative

*Quill*Plot:None

*Quill*Pace: The piece is broken by time blocks. This takes the reader through Tesla's life in short bursts. This type of writing is informative but not fun to read.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:I had not known who this man was until I saw a PB broadcast and the movie the Prestige. Your article filled in some of the pieces that the broadcast missed and the movie included.
I really enjoyed the part about his germ phobia. While this was well written I got the impression it was reworded from resource books. I would have liked to hear your voice in this piece. It was just a litany of information.

*Quill*What Needs Work:You have all the information. I would like you to tell me his story. Add some flavor and spice to the facts.

*Quill*Line item and you rub your eyes to make sure you are not asleep,”

as remembered by Chauncey Mcgovern. (should be one sentence not the start of another paragraph?)
*Quill* After a brief bit of glory his experiment caused a blackout thus showing the end of his Colorado laboratory.-Was this a personal blackout or a citywide blackout?




** Image ID #1518357 Unavailable **
267
267
Review of publishing path  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was interesting. I thought that the agent's job was to find you a publisher. I guess I might have to look at finding an agent and publisher.
This poll show where people think. I am not at all sure that the ones who have chosen to do both are right, but it is worth looking at when I get to that point.
268
268
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.

Characters: Not a lot of detail about the girl, her age or anything about her. The killer and mother are also distant.

Point Of View:You kept to the POV through out the story. I didn't seen any blatant changes

Plot:A girl hears a noise, the door to the outside opens and she goes to investigate. She is murdered in her mother's presence.

Pace:It moved quickly and kept a fast pace through out.

My Overall Impression:There are too many questions left unanswered. I understand this is a moment in time, but the act of killing someone needs a motive. I think you have ability to tell a good story it just needs format.

What Needs Work:There is no motive, there is not goal and the murder was a finality to something outside the readers view. You have all the elements, but in this story they do not add up to murder.
Every story needs a goal, motivation, some conflict and a resolution This had just the last two

** Image ID #1663166 Unavailable **
269
269
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great Poll! I like Ghost stories over actual Horror. I don't like horror movies. I am sick and tired of vampire movies. I love watching the Paranormal State and Ghost Hunters Intl and the others. I do not believe in "ghosts" like they are hunting, but I love seeing them get their buts kicked by the spirits. If you search for them, they will come!
270
270
Review of Why! Why! Why!  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a good poll. But what you left out was "other" I truly believe that these men are afraid of the expectations of women. Over the years women's culture has been open and informative. We expect men to PLEASE us and berate or are disappointed when we are not. The same goes for women. Most are less than attractive or have issues that they feel are only accepted by other women who understand them.
Both genders have VERY FEW that are actually bi gender. Those I can excuse. The rest are just maladjusted people who want to whine about not being accepted. Sorry for the rant
271
271
Review of Companionship  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.

Characters: Raneor and his small dragon (I am guessing) Thanor.You asked for Character definition. You do more telling than showing. Your actions are told to us. You might show the actions more by emotion, feeling. Just an example: In the second paragraph you describe the way he talks to people. You might say "His size and color were deceptive. At times he would surprise on lookers when he spoke from he perch on Raneor's shoulder." There are others like this and you can decide if you want to change them.

Point Of View:kept to the POV through out

Plot:Just a moment in time,

Pace:good style and you don't put tags with every conversation change, but keeping it simple it is easy to follow

My Overall Impression:Interesting, but no goal or motivation to entice the reader to continue. I like the ending line! You have given the Wizard humor and his little dragon as the straight man. Good choice, Many have done the opposite. I love it!

What Needs Work: small points: if Thanor is on his shoulder how can the point of Raneor's hat poke him. Maybe the BRIM of the pointed hat. Now we have a definite picture to correlate to.
Then you tell us about the stench before they see it. We don't need to know about it until they do.
It lumbered and attacked, but there is nothing to tell us what made the arm explode and the subsequent actions.

272
272
Review of The Lost Writer  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cute story. At one time I was thinking it was a euphemism for someone with writer's block. This is what I got out of the story. He was writing and had to search through his bank of memories for something that would help him write, ergo save the damsel. Then as all "dreams" go there are odd things from our files that pop up to intrude, like a dead woman, ripped out chest, but there is still breath. Then being shot by the woman and finding that the writing has saved the man.

This is my perspective of your story. If there was some other purpose I did not get it, but I sure liked my version. It made the ending more pleasant for me.
273
273
Review of A fresh start  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You do a lot of telling from someone else's view point. who is the person that is observing everything and telling this story? Is this person looking back at what happened or telling as it happens? What is the relation to Vanessa and Clara.

I am curious what is the goal of Vanessa? Has she rented this house sight unseen? If she bought it, she never saw it? I am supposing there is going to be something sinister about the house. Why would she be calmed looking into a pane of colored glass? Was there a light in the room that reveals the design, otherwise it will look dark and the design is indistinguishable? I would say one thing. women are curious, she would have looked the house all over before she even began to unpack. Then seeing the window as she leaves, she would picture where it would be in the house. There was no room there. If there was a light she would be too curious not to go and find out where the light came from. If she is in a hurry, she would think about while she was out. This will give a lead into what she is going to do when she gets home. This also leads into the suspense of what is going on in the house when she is gone. That is if that is where the story will lead.
274
274
Review of Father and Son  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A good start. I would rather you start this whole thing at What Happened was...
If this is going to be a longer piece then the above can be dropped into the story as he is sitting and waiting for the principle. How about have a conversation between him and Mel and she ends up finding out more about his feelings than the father or a principle does. The principle might get called out on an emergency and he has a reprieve..
I like what you have going. You have a good handle on the dialogue and the tags are informative.
At twelve if he hadn't heard swear words in his home he wouldn't say it with out a bit of regret. His mother might have washed his mouth with soap, his dad doesn't seem to care what he says so he says a few other words in his head just or practice.

I think you have a great start, don't stop.
275
275
Review of The Burden  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Flower4* What is the goal of the main Character? mariel needs to find the truth of the amulet and which of the two men with her is telling the truth.

*Gift1* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Her mother died and many incidents cause her to question her childhood and her future. she seeks the truth

*Balloon5* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?there are two men who tell her opposite stories and she doesn't know who to believe.

*Balloon4* Resolution: This reads like the first chapter of a book, there is no real resolution, only a transition to the next chapter

*Balloon4* Do the characters develop in this story? Somewhat. We see the descriptions of the characters and some of their actions tell us a little of what kind of people they are. Not a lot of depth yet.

*Gift2* What I liked about the story: At first I was going to stop reading. The story was a little boring, and there wasn't anything prick my interest. I kept reading hoping for a change. I got it. Good second half. from the Astriks down.

*Gift2* What do I think needs work: The beginning needs a little less whine on Mariel and leave out her childhood and put it in later when she is at Bran's house. More detail about Bran's house, how she got there and what really drove her to go there. The action happens so quick at the end it is hard to follow, When you revise, make the scene longer and more angst to the situation.

462 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11