Hi, Druid.
After the slow start to the story, this part not only picks up the pace, it sure takes a dramatic turn. The tale is complex and unpredictable, keeping the reader glued to the end.
Below are corrections and questions for your attention:
catch your hards – hands
for f***s sake – f***’s sake
drivers seat – driver’s seat
The leap in time from the online chatting to the email rejection is covered by some backtracking to explain what happened in their first meeting. While the succeeding events are intriguing, I feel that in an online relationship, that first face-to-face encounter is too huge a moment to be passed over like that then reported on in hindsight.
“You had arranged a babysitter for the afternoon without telling me” – she had a baby? This is implied in such a by-the-way sense yet it has many implications that the reader deserves elaboration on.
“I let out a loud blast, making people around me jump, but successfully getting your attention.” – If there were people around, wouldn’t they have seen the kidnapping happen and either intervened or called the cops? What about on the way to the hotel room?—even if he used the back elevator, chances are that someone somewhere would have seen Myra’s hands tied and rang the alarm, or at least the narrator would have had the fear of being seen and felt lucky he wasn’t, but that is not the case.
“Silently proceeding down the corridor to my suite at the end on the right, I wish again and again in my head that you would speak.” How can she yet earlier, the narrator said, “I quickly pull the rag from my pocket and stuff it back into your mouth.”? There’s no mention of it being removed by the time she does get round to talking. Edit the oversight.
"Sit down" I say – comma missing after “down”
So after a lot of coercion and assault, Myra decided to show Ruairi that she really loves him. How is that supposed to be true love? I know women can be fickle, but I doubt being kidnapped and belt-whipped on the ass would make anyone want to be with the narrator (some may find the latter a turn-on, but Myra was clearly humiliated by it). That he once cheated on her makes the reader less empathetic to his cause, despite his regrets and vows of love. She may have blown hot and cold after they finally met, but at least she hadn’t been unfaithful to him, unless the baby implied earlier is evidence of a marriage she’s straying from. Besides, in the previous chapter, the narrator said he “had wished to give her as much time as possible to make her decision”; why the sudden urgency?
The way I see it, it’s not the happy ending Ruairi’s imagining it to be; she’s only playing along so he can let her be with some illusion of having won her over (understandably so, since he looks like he’ll rape her if she refuses to commit to him). Either that or she’s dug her own grave after returning to someone who cheated on her without him seeking her out and playing games with his heart. Whatever the case, her supposed independence trait doesn’t match her actions as she doesn’t stand up for her rights when finally given the chance to express herself.
If, in fact, her commitment is heartfelt, then the plot comes across as unnatural. Make it more convincing. Reveal more of her inner conflict, as you do so well with the narrator. Cut out the demeaning violence. Rather than have the narrator go to the extreme of kidnapping her, you could have him show persistence in a likeable kind of way, like sending her flowers to the office, surprising her with gifts for the baby, etc. Let her speak her mind rather than have to “show” Ruairi that she loves him (considering his domineering approach, one fears he’s expecting a blow job or something). In any case, the gentle kiss she gives him is hardly a strong declaration of love, and the “I love you” phrase that ensues is rather awkward under the circumstances. The transition from violent conflict to bedroom romance in the end also leaves a lot to be desired.
All in all, the story is well written, but it strains belief and doesn’t allow the reader to connect with either the narrator or empathize with his date. There is clearly a lot of effort put into writing it, so please edit to make it more likeable.
That’s all. Hope this helps.
Cheers,
TJay
|
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
