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550 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
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I give my overall impression of the story, quote my favourite part, correct any mistakes in the grammar, then point out characterization flaws and plot holes. Style varies if any of the above is uncalled for.
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Rectifying grammar, i.e., pointing out errors in spelling, punctuation, tense, sentence construction, etc. Also good at substantive review, i.e., assessing the plot for completeness, consistency, and clarity.
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Thriller/Suspense, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Experience, Relationship, Romance/Love, Erotica
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Short stories
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76
76
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi, Tracey.

Wow, this is intense! The phrase, “what you won't do for love!” comes to mind. I read somewhere that most homicides arise from relationships gone wrong, if I remember well. But boy have you dramatized it well here. It's not the typical crime of passion; it starts out as a desperate relationship-rescuing attempt before taking lethal twists.

Diane's love is almost tragic in its persistence. She gets whacked in the car, she gets whacked in the bedroom, and she's almost drowned, but it's not until she realizes Bryan would rather kill her than condone her endeavours to rekindle the passion that she stops trying.

Bryan wasn't exactly making history by dumping her for no apparent reason, but surely Diane would have pushed for an explanation? They'd been together for five months, so it couldn't have been a one-night stand where he thought there were no strings attached and she thought otherwise. And in their time together, they had spent a “blissful” week in a cabin in the mountains in which they'd “hardly got out of bed”, so it doesn't sound like they had issues. So Dianne snapping and taking drastic measures skips the part where one would ordinarily ask, why? And what did she mean when she said, “If anyone has a right to break up this relationship, it's me!

Besides, there's nothing to show that Bryan is worth fighting for. At least not to the point of abducting him and trying to seduce him back into one's heart. They'd only been together for five months, and the ease with which he breaks up with Diane suggests he wasn't that into her. If your intention was to leave Diane looking indeed crazy, then fine; otherwise, one suspects Bryan left her because she was too possessive, and her reaction to his dumping feeds that notion.

I reckon adding some dialogue would help fill these gaps. As is, it's near constant action from start to finish, which is very engaging alright, but not entirely fulfilling for this kind of conflict.

I like the ending, though. I thought Bryan, when he smiled in the car, that he was going to play along to Diane's fantasies, but that would have been getting a reward he didn't deserve. Then when he jumped her in the bedroom, I thought he was going to take advantage of her in a way far from what she'd imagined. But when he chose to kill her instead of reason with her, any sympathies I may have had for him in this freakish turn of events flew right out the window.

The grammar was fine, as far as I could tell. I liked the use of present tense; I use it a lot myself to give the sense of something happening as the reader reads, rather than having already happened.

Characterization – you gave details that helped me visualize Diane (clothes, hair), but not Bryan. There's room for improvement there.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
77
77
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi, Judity.

When the word "hero" is mentioned, what comes to mind is superpowers or achievement of some great feat. This story has redefined a hero without watering down the title. You've just given it a different yet convincing meaning.

You made me think of the way my elder siblings didn't understand how I could be too busy at times to do certain things, and how being in that position helped me deal with my younger brother and even younger cousins I've stayed with as they underwent similar experiences. The assumption that the youngest in the house is the idlest and hence best candidate for all kind of chores can be so annoying, so I try to be a Richard in my own way by not expecting too much of my folks who aren't working yet and thus appear to have more time in their hands.

You also made me think twice about limping; I'd never imagined it to be an admirable trait, but I guess it could be fascinating from a kid's perspective. I'm reminded of the saying, "One good deed deserves another" - you didn't mock Richard's limping, and Richard didn't talk down to you as a child. *Smile*

You've given a good picture of how idyllic the world was when you were a kid. It's hard to imagine a kid wandering around at night in this era without some harm befalling them. If only we could turn back the wheel of time!

The world has never been perfect, though, and this is amply illustrated by your mother's having to remarry, and the fact that you had issues with your parents, which is what understandably prompted your nocturnal adventures. I wonder if you ever got busted? *Wink*

It was touching to learn that you are confiding in us the readers secrets you had kept to yourself for over sixty years! I don't know if Richard is still alive, but I wish he knew how much he must have meant to you.

Grammatically speaking, I saw no errors. It was a wonderful read; thanks for sharing.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
78
78
Review of Adoption Void  
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, MaiPen.

I've always looked at adoption with fondness and aspiration; something I would love to do. I've never paused to think of it from the perspective of the adoptee, and how being their foster parent might never fully fulfill their sense of belonging. You're right; it's not fair to presume that a home and family should be enough reason for an adoptee to smile. I may never understand what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I won't judge you for still having a dark cloud over you.

I liked the idea of giving an intro to the poem. Ideally, a poem should speak for itself, but I guess the topic here needed some background info. The poem itself repeats some of that info, but in aptly modified terms, so I didn't mind.

What I minded was the shifts in point of view between "I" and "You". "I" personalizes the message; "you" looks at it from a distance. I would therefore suggest you stick to "I".

The rhyming was good except in the fourth last stanza, where there's no visible rhyme.

I was left wondering what led to your adoption. This bit of information is important because it would create empathy for someone whose parents died in an accident or something, or someone who never knew their parents. But if one had cruel, abusive parents, was dumped as an unwanted child, or basically never loved in their former home, then their new home would be a place to fill in that void rather than wallow in it.

Otherwise, while putting on a brave face isn't going to change anything, negativity can beget more negativity the same way success begets success. I think it's possible to feign positivity long enough to actually feel it in place of that void. It's what helps us move on from break-ups, for example. But like I said earlier, I can't pretend to know how you feel, so I'm just speaking theoretically here. I hope it helps.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
79
79
Review of Adoption Void  
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, MaiPen.

I've always looked at adoption with fondness and aspiration; something I would love to do. I've never paused to think of it from the perspective of the adoptee, and how being their foster parent might never fully fulfill their sense of belonging. You're right; it's not fair to presume that a home and family should be enough reason for an adoptee to smile. I may never understand what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I won't judge you for still having a dark cloud over you.

I liked the idea of giving an intro to the poem. Ideally, a poem should speak for itself, but I guess the topic here needed some background info. The poem itself repeats some of that info, but in aptly modified terms, so I didn't mind.

What I minded was the shifts in point of view between "I" and "You". "I" personalizes the message; "you" looks at it from a distance. I would therefore suggest you stick to "I".

The rhyming was good except in the fourth last stanza, where there's no visible rhyme.

I was left wondering what led to your adoption. This bit of information is important because it would create empathy for someone whose parents died in an accident or something, or someone who never knew their parents. But if one had cruel, abusive parents, was dumped as an unwanted child, or basically never loved in their former home, then their new home would be a place to fill in that void rather than wallow in it.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
negativity leads nowhere
80
80
Review of Summer Camp Blues  
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi, Chandler.

I enjoyed the suffering of this selfish character, Anne. The intentions of her mum may have been good, but intentions do not always yield results. Any lessons in service are all but deemed as pure personal torture. Her impatience with Claire's inquisitiveness and irritation at Jenny's constant staring make for plenty of unintentional humour.

I was able to visualize all the characters and understand their characters, which is a compliment to your depiction of them. I felt sorry for Anne as she was trying to be nice in spite of herself. Which is good, because she would otherwise be a flat, one-dimensional character.

The kids themselves came across as tragic characters. I don't know if they had special needs, but their persistent innocence in the face of Anne's barely concealed boredom with them is touching. A weaker soul would have crumbled.

Which brings me to my one major contention with your plot: I got the sense that it was building up to something, either the unlikely but possible turning point in Anne's attitude, or the more likely eventuality of her snapping at the kids. As is, it feels like the story just stopped, it didn't end. Or rather, it had two conflicting endings, what with the third-last sentence downplaying Anne's boredom, and the second-last one giving a sense of resignation to boredom. The last sentence gave me a laugh, though.

Anyway, my point is: The story doesn't have to have a twist, but this ending is neither here nor there.

Otherwise, if indeed this was a camp of children with special needs (Jenny was termed as deserving of 'St. Mary’s Camp for Special Young Ladies'; I'm not sure if that means girls with special needs, and if you were referring to this camp in particular), then you need to give Claire some weakness so she doesn't look out of place. As is, she just appears normally childish. Otherwise, just tweak the introduction of this place a bit for clarity.

All in all, the story did justice to the theme of the Writer's Cramp it was entered into, or at least to what the title promises. And the grammar was flawless, as far as I could tell.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
81
81
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi, Winnie. I enjoyed reading your story; thanks for sharing. Below are my comments.

I missed the typo on first reading, and thought Alice was right she'd “got him”; but on second look, I noticed the “would” was missing in Larry's message. Also, I initially thought Alice was only worried about someone walking in on her chatting on a dishonourable site *Wink*, but she was so jumpy, it all figured when the cause of her paranoia was revealed; a cause which also explained the otherwise drastic security measure of having a gun. Her conclusion that her assailant had tracked her down via the Internet was also very believable.

I liked how you developed that sense of paranoia – how she kept checking the locks and, at some point, got spooked over some noise, whether imagined or real. This gave the story a real feel of tension.

Being a cat lover, I also liked that she had a cat for company, and how well you captured the mannerisms of a cat. E.g.: “Max was butting his head against her legs, as if to hurry along the food preparation process... began to vocalize his distress.” I felt like reaching out and purring that sweet little pussy cat. *Smile*
This moment of comic relief was, understandably, my favourite part:

Larry>>>Max UR boyfriend?<<<
Alisa>>>Hah...He just lives here. Besides he’s not my type. He‘s got 2 extra legs and fur<<<

Lol! *Bigsmile*

In the end, I felt sorry for Max for losing her owner. *Frown* Can I adopt her? *Wink* But I felt even sorrier for Alice for being a victim of her own trauma. Her experience was certainly something disturbing enough to haunt her a whole year after its occurrence. Some people avoid the whole relationship scene altogether, in which case it makes sense that Alice should use the indirect route of online chatting first (though Alisa is a rather leading false identity to use). Anyway, how she shielded herself from reality by telling herself “I got him, I got him” as she was arrested was a pitiful but understandable reaction.

As for poor Mr. Anderson, I guess he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's within the confines of coincidence that he should point his camera in the general direction of Alice's window just when she's looking out for her assailant, but I was left with one question mark: If he'd moved in a whole month back, had Alice never seen him as a neighbour already? She herself seems to have moved in a year back after her attack, so it can't be that she was new to her surroundings.

The ending was great; how Larry comes back online and rephrases himself, only to find it's like he's on phone an his receiver's hung up on him. I wondered how he would feel when he found out how lethal his typo turned out to be, but that part was best left to the imagination. The title of the story captured this all so perfectly. And I couldn't see any grammatical errors.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
82
82
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*


Hi, Batesywriter. I enjoyed reading your story; thanks for sharing. Below are my comments.

I liked the transition from temptation to socialization to indulgence to the development of feelings. You said it’s semi-true; I don’t know how much of it is fantasy and how much of it is true, but it all sounded like something that happens in real life. Whilst in other cases the aim of hooking up the client with the dancer would be to make them regular clients, you distinguished this as a case where there is the desire, at least from the dancer, for it to develop into an actual relationship. Development of feelings would normally take several meetings, but you’ve managed to make it plausible to happen within one night. And you presented the ensuing dilemma very well, neither demonizing the client for seeing his catch as nothing but a sex object, nor portraying Jade as a parasite out to engage in affairs with every vulnerable man out there.

I loved how took the reader smack into the narrator's temptation. You captured the magnitude of that temptation through description and thoughts that more than compensated for the brevity of the opening act on the strip pole. My favourite part was the last sentence in the intro:

“Heaven should be such a place, I thought.”

Brevity in the indulgence of the narrator's temptations would have been a disservice to the build-up, so it's good that you stretched that part. It was both fiery and sensual in a way that brought out the narrator's passion and Jade's skills and growing attachment to him. Her dress code and the idea of her bathing before and after the act said something about the ways of her profession, so that was a nice touch.

The use of local terms - mama sana and jarn – gave authenticity to the setting, and the use of broken English developed Jade's character.

Now to the negatives. The title alludes to a collection, yet this is only one story. It should either be the name of the anthology or a subtitle.

The intro was too long; it should have been split at the comma here: “...to me, she has...”. And since it's in past tense, it should be “had”, not “has”. And while Jade came across as a three-dimensional character, the narrator's looks were left to the reader's imagination. Do something about that.

The dialogue at the end sees the narrator reject Jade's request with little compunction. He had sensed her dedication in his thoughts and himself grown quite fond of her, so his quick dismissal of the notion of a relationship is rather off. Perhaps it would be more realistic if he'd fumbled for an excuse or initially got excited by the offer then thought twice about it. As is, it leaves one in doubt if he'd really longed for her as much as he said. He's only too happy to pay her dues and let her leave. One would have thought that, even if not for a relationship, he would be interested in repeat encounters.

Grammatical errors I noted were:
all night of coarse – of course
Jade slipped of the bed – off the bed
She in a softer – She said in a softer
more serious tone than I’d had heard – than I'd heard
her checks turning red – her cheeks turning red

All in all, an enjoyable read with more depth than the regular sexual encounter. Let me know if any of my corrections or suggestions is not clear.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
83
83
Review by Madridista
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" *UmbrellaR*{/cente

Hi, Rainbow Writer. It was my pleasure to read your story; thanks for sharing. Below are my thoughts:

I thought Maricela would wake up and this would all be a bad dream. Either that, or she would get a reprieve if she passed the test. But you gave an unpredictable twist that put things into perspective. I can imagine her drug-induced health and mental problems being the cause of suffering to the people close to her. Though I found myself willing her to make it through the torture she got as a punishment, I ended up wishing there was such a destiny for people who like to make others' lives miserable, and who could fool others they've had a change of heart only to betray their trust. I myself, and I'm sure many other readers too, have experienced such betrayal, and it puzzles me to this day how someone so innocent could be so wicked.

Of course, the villain I have in mind is a bit different from your character, but that's the emotion you evoked in me. You put enough tension in her desperate bid to escape to make me root for her, and countered it with references to her history of tormenting others. Perhaps this would be more powerful if you gave a flashback detailing one of her evil deeds? That would give the tit-for-tat scenario an edge, otherwise one might end up feeling sorry for her.

This was my favourite part:
"
She crawled over the edge and collapsed regaining some breath through the cracked windpipe. Her ordeal of countless hours was at an end.
“You have achieved your conquest, Sonolan. Now rise."
Wearily she stood before him, “I did what you asked. Please, let me go.”
He laughed and shook his head, “Foolish girl. You have spent your life as a liar. Do you not know the presence of another liar when you come upon it? Allow me to introduce myself. I am Lucifer and you, sweetness, are home.”
"

If I were to change anything in your story, it would be making the bad guy not a self-destructive drug addict but a seemingly reliable person that preys on others' trust. I think they're the most deserving of the kind of torture in your story.

Otherwise, I saw in the blurb you used the word, 'torturous'. I believe the only adjective that comes from torture is 'tortuous', which has nothing to do with torture; it means either complicated, or winding. Do look into that.

Your description of a hellish place was convincing. In fact, I had a feeling you were talking about hell, and this was confirmed when Maricela's tormentor finally introduced himself. But those descriptive powers were never applied on your characters. I initially excused this due to the darkness, but you said there was a sudden rush of light. That was a missed opportunity to convey Maricela's terror at seeing her tormentor's face, which you could have given an aptly disturbing description.

That's all. Hope this helps.
TJay
84
84
Review of Blossoms Maligned  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, RadioShea.

This is the first story I've read that looks at the Columbine-style school massacres from a human interest angle. Though fictional, it gives a touching glimpse into the hopes and futures that come crashing down whenever some trigger-happy students take whatever beef they have with the world on their unsuspecting schoolmates.

I walked with your two characters in their journey from friendship to love with a growing sadness on the foreshadowed doom they would face before Christmas. That it came just when they'd taken the next step in their relationship gave an epic feel to their romance. The ending didn't need to cover their killing, so I'm glad you spared us.

Top marks for characterization (you even made the teacher memorable) and description (especially of Tom and Sarah's nervousness). The door-banging, hand-holding carryovers from childhood helped smoothen the transition from childhood to high school days. There was even room for some comic relief (praying for her algebra teacher to be out sick after she didn't study for an exam...). And the grammar was excellent.

All in all, thanks for sharing. Sorry I couldn't find anything to criticize. *Smile*

TJay.
85
85
Review of Over There  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
“I carry that which you request” – I tried to figure out what you meant by this, but after a number of reads, I guessed I was missing the point. I liked the imagery of the poem, but felt frustrated at not figuring it out.

TJay
86
86
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Grace.

It's been a while since I read the preceding chapters, but it didn't take me long to get my bearings. Pierre's introduction is well handled, and I, like the narrator, got to like him. Just have two questions:

One: The woman smiled and said, “Tina, in Montreal, they always mix French with English so you'll have to get used to it." - Ghana, her country of origin, was a British colony, so how can she get used to French? She probably doesn't understand it.

Two: "I'll leave you two to sort out things and come tomorrow," said Pierre. In the ensuing fight, Tina ran out of the apartment, and met Pierre, who offered her his jacket. Hadn't he left? I feel as though there's a missing transition in the plot here.

I don't understand French myself, but the English side wasn't so bad. Just noted a few grammatical errors, like saying layed instead of lay.

Cheers,
TJay
87
87
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved the way you described the setting in the intro. It was both detailed and humorous, giving the reader an understanding of not only the time and geography but also social and political aspects. You could easily have had the whole story revolve around it.

The way the vocal characters were distinguished from the crowd and how they went about their conversation was also well brought out.

Not everyone knows what you meant by “Michuki” rules. I'm a Kenyan so I understood, but others would be left in the dark. Some elaboration would help.

I found a tendency to big words where simpler ones could have been preferable, like “puerile,” “prurient”, and “shrewish” – which I had to look up in the dictionary, affecting my enjoyment of the story. Do avoid that.

And do make use of commas to punctuate the flow of text. There are enough places where a comma is missing.

I also had an issue with the title; it implies the whole story is a debate, yet there's a lot more on offer.

Otherwise, I noted the following errors.

Semenya, the S.A athletes becomes – Semenya, the S.A. Athlete, becomes...
The driver through wasn’t worried – though, not through
high ranked person for the government – of the government
The passengers very quiet – were very quiet
Inside the bus was suffocatingly crowded – Inside the bus, it was suffocatingly crowded
The voice sounded a trifle irritated maintained – The voice, sounding a trilfe irritated, maintained...
knew all the sports’ personality – sports personalities
no what strange affliction – no matter what...
He looked ahead, through the windscreen, at the road ahead – avoid repeating the word “ahead”
debating about Semenya puzzle – debating about Semenya, or debating the Semenya puzzle, or debating the Semenya puzzle.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
88
88
Review of Laser Eye Surgery  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I saw this story in the 'Newest Statics' section and took interest because I have a craving for laser eye treatment myself. Suffice to say that you have scared the romance out of the idea for me! *Bigsmile* I knew nothing about the procedure, and could never imagine it being a potential avenue for mad doctors.

I actually began the story halfway, wondering why the procedure would spawn so long a story, and was so thrilled after finishing, I went back and read it from the start. Top marks for the creativity, characterization, and hooks at the end of each chapter. The ending is also satisfying in its own twisted way. *Smile*

Noted a few typos...:

In respone, Mike tapped his glasses - In response...
aany kind of transport - any...
"A little too tight?" larch asked - Larch...
"Good," larch spat - Larch...

That's all. Hope this helps.

TJay
89
89
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The intro reminded me of Jesus' birth in a manger. The phoenix assured me you weren't trying to do a Jesus, though. *Smile*

The wife's name is not stated, why?

Plus, I noted a few typos:

weather we like it or not - whether, not weather
more confused then before - than, not then
most amazing thing Ethan or his wife had ever seen the bird - there's a word missing. Should be: ...had ever seen happened: the bird...

That's all. Hope this helps.

TJay
90
90
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Granted, William comes across as a lovable boy. But on the credibility stakes, I got the sense that he is too good to be true. Intelligent, religious, talented, empathetic, and with an athletic build - that's more a dream combination than a reality. Everyone has flaws. The misfortune in losing his parents at a young age and getting mistreated by his uncle hardly compensates for that image of perfection. Even the idea of him never crying is questionable. It's inhuman not to cry when you are a baby. I feared he had some kind of medical condition that made him so, but there was no such feasible explanation. I would suggest humanizing him some more to make the story more realistic. He may be a product of the environment he was raised in, but that can only account for so much.

Otherwise, I noted no grammatical errors, so kudos for that.

Cheers,
TJay
91
91
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm a cat person, so you can imagine my delight at learning you were “converted” into one. *Smile* But even if I were a dog person, I would still find the story enjoyable. My favourite part was:

“Gizmo has added so much to our lives and I still feel that connection with him that only animal people know about. That intangible connection that we feel to creatures that come into our lives that is at times stronger than the connections we feel with other humans.” That's so true, it hurts! But I'm not complaining. *Wink*

Otherwise, I lolled at Officer Annie's reaction: "Sarah, ah that's a cat!” and your daughter's screaming, “You're pregnant?” And I can imagine the mocking from friends about going for a cat and returning with a dog.

I noted a few errors:

four month – months
ate whole legs off tables, & - and
<em>What if someone else came in while I went to pick up my husband and took him?</em> - Donno what effect you intended here, but clearly, it didn't come off.

That's all. Hope this helps.

TJay
92
92
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (3.5)
Short and sweet.
I'm not a fan of using words in capital letters for emphasis.
Remove the exclamation mark here: !Fetching...
And I didn't get the need for this gap:
I wait...

Cheers,
TJay
93
93
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
A beautiful story. The rather heavy car talk meant it took a while for me to get the drift, but once the romance angle kicked in, it was sweet all the way. You characterized Joe well through dialogue and mannerisms (his "you don't see what I see" phrase and habit of gifting his wife a yellow flower). His death is sad, but the wife's realization afterwards, and the afterlife reunion is touching. Though, if indeed this is true, one wonders how you would have got that part of the story.

The fluctuation of tense from past to present is something I've seen others use but never quite liked. I prefer sticking to one tense, in this case, the present tense, I'd advise.

Otherwise, it was a sweet story. Thanks for sharing.

Cheers,
TJay
94
94
Review of The Tenant of 306  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What a jilted lover won't do for love! This one seemed to have veered beyond his obsession with Vanessa to become a serial killer, as this statement implies: “He didn't know how he was going to do it. It was not like Travis or the others from different cities. It was Vanessa.”

I loved the intro! The way the onset of dawn was personified, the way the setting was eased into the picture, and the way the reluctance to wake up was captured: calling it “creative” is an understatement. The confrontation with Gemma was also excellently handled. How the rest of the story comes out as a never-ending flashback is something I have an issue with. Flashbacks aren't meant to be that long; if they are, the story should have started from an earlier point.

I also wondered why Adam looked so clueless as to how to deal with Vanessa having staked out at Travis's for so long planning it out. The panic that almost led him to call an ambulance implies he was, inexplicably, expecting to just talk her into having dinner with him like old times, and hadn't planned for the possibility of her not cooperating. Even killing her is something he does as an afterthought. The lengths he'd gone to take up Travis's identity doesn't add up if he didn't have an endgame, so to speak.

Otherwise, I noted a few grammatical errors:
the last of the fresh coffee into it’s pot – its pot (no apostrophe)
"Sorry. What bird," Adam asked – What bird? (question mark missing)
block of the bedroom doorway – block off, not of
through her down against the floor – threw, not through
removing one less loud noise from this society – removing one more, not less. If you use “less”, delete “remove” because it sounds like a double negative.
All its contents were enough to dress one's self – oneself
Emotions had swollen up in Adam, took control of him – taken control of him

That's all. Hope this helps.
TJay
95
95
Review of Silent Night  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice to know the roots of this beloved song, and the unsung heroes behind its composition. Thanks for sharing!
96
96
Review by Madridista
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like the personification of death in this poem; you've breathed life into it, no pun intended. *Smile* The circumstances leading to its conquest of the persona were hazy, though. And that the persona was killed eventually puts to question the fact that this poem is written in first person perspective – dead men tell no tales.

The grammar was flawless and the rhyme consistent except for the lines that ended with these words:
eve and breeze; throat and hope; alike and fight. It's not a must that all the lines rhyme, but if most of them do, then it's worth the trouble to see to it that all the rest do as well.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
97
97
Review of Death of a hero  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found the intro quotable:
“My deathbed has been waiting for me since the day I was born, out there fixed in time and space.  My random meanderings through life have served to change none of this.  Every step and misstep, that I have taken faithfully brought me closer to that inevitable end.”

The two, short subsequent paragraphs build up on it in a way that keeps pulling the reader in, yet the plot doesn't make much sense until the flashback and its ending, which is also the ending of the story. That use of short paragraphs made the pacing perfect, while the twists in the tale made us really live this journey with Bobby, who until his soulsearching and moment of bravado, was quite despicable.

I found myself going back to the beginning to re-read this piece after I finished, now that I had a fresh perspective on what it was all about. That I was adequately intrigued to do so goes to show how much I loved it.

Couldn't find any grammatical errors. Great story; more than worthy winner of that inspirational quote contest. Keep it up!

Cheers,
TJay
98
98
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ha ha! *Bigsmile* Reminds me of similarly funny case of double entendre I read in a writers' handbook: “I like doing it on Wednesdays. Preferably at lunchtime. If I’m lucky, I also manage a Friday. First thing in the morning. I spoke to a chap today who does it every day.”
You jump to all the wrong conclusions, only for it to emerge later that the writer is referring to workouts at the gym!

Anyway, in your story, the son's reaction to talk of “the birds and the bees” is rather ridiculous. It would be excusable if he were a toddler, but he's 26; how can he think it refers to flying and making honey?

Otherwise, I believe the sexual meaning of "intercourse" calls for an 18+ rating.

Cheers,
TJay
99
99
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your conclusion; that change is neither a bad nor a good thing; it just is. Everything has its advantages and disadvantages, so it would've been hard to portray the technological shift as solely good or evil. I also like how you've not only spoken of the changes but the human reactions, especially in the last paragraph.

There is a tone of "things have changed but not much" throughout your story; perhaps it would interest you to look at it from the perspective of the saying, "The more things change, the more they remain the same"? Just a thought.

Cheers,
TJay
100
100
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this quotable: “If you have to do all this thinking, you don’t love him enough.” Sounds like practical advice, though the events in this story convincingly lead to a different conclusion.

And I liked these bits of description:
You could tell John laughed a lot by the corners of his eyes where the laughter had etched into his soul.
It rolled off my tongue before I even knew it was there.

You incorporate the items in the Writer's Cramp challenge well into the story, though the idea of a cat that speaks Español (note the capitalization of the language) perhaps demanded a bit more intrigue. My only other criticism would be on how you introduced the stranger:

"So I began to talk with John Dearson" - when did she know he was called so? A better introduction would have let the sentence sound more natural by simply saying "him" or "John" instead of the full name as a way of introducing him to the reader.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
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