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550 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give my overall impression of the story, quote my favourite part, correct any mistakes in the grammar, then point out characterization flaws and plot holes. Style varies if any of the above is uncalled for.
I'm good at...
Rectifying grammar, i.e., pointing out errors in spelling, punctuation, tense, sentence construction, etc. Also good at substantive review, i.e., assessing the plot for completeness, consistency, and clarity.
Favorite Genres
Thriller/Suspense, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Experience, Relationship, Romance/Love, Erotica
Least Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Full-length books
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is visible effort towards consistent rhyming; it sounds off here and there, but overall it's commendable. It's sad that it took the persona 27 years (note the use of figures; numbers above nine are usually written that way) to say enough is enough. And it's a contradiction of sorts for her to say she "wants to flee" one minute (first stanza), like she's helpless, then later ask him to "hit the door" (last stanza), like she's the one in charge. There is also a lack of conviction in her saying "I think" while issuing this ultimatum.

The wife's suffering is also brought out vaguely when you talk of living in (not with) fear, pain being caused, heart being stomped on, death occuring day by day, etc. This doesn't draw as much empathy as if you were more specific. You could even focus one incident that serves as a turning point.

All in all, this is a tale that many long-suffering wives could identify with, but it needs more depth to realize its potential emotiveness.

Cheers,
TJay
102
102
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Face of heaven, eyes of hell... Following baser instincts instead of fearing... I've come across such women in other stories, but they turned out to be some evil alien, vampire, or what have you. Nice to have a protagonist for a change. And boy can she kick ass! *Smile*

I see this a lot in the movies, but I always wonder: when the second or third man sees his predecessors get whooped, why still dare to fight, unless he's high? Perhaps showing some hesitance or even attempt to escape the same fate would be more credible. Just a thought.

Otherwise, based on this excerpt, I already love your heroine.

Cheers,
TJay
103
103
Review of Theodore  
Review by Madridista
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You certainly cover all the angles of Theodore, physical and character-wise, and in detail. But what about Nadine? The first person perspective can be a handicap in this regard, so either you should change that or find a creative way to bring out Nadine's character and looks, for example through Theodore's comments in a dialogue.

Anyway, you could have predictably matched Theodore's comical look with a comical character, buy you surprised the reader with the revelation of a romantic instead; kudos for that.

Cheers,
TJay
104
104
Review of I Miss You  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like how you capture a lifetime love within this poem; how you're consistent in your rhyming; and how you give this emotionality beyond mere beauty, as most love poems are wont to. True love should last always, is the message I get from this. Which is something to hope for in a world full of divorces and what have you.

I'm not sure a full stop, instead of a comma, is what you need at the end of each line, but your grammar is all good.

Cheers,
TJay
105
105
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Absorbing... It's been absorbing. Accidents happen in life, and much as it's easy to judge, you've drawn enough empathy to force a rethink on rejection. I come from a Catholic family so you can imagine how uncomfortable it was when my big sis got a baby out of wedlock, more so when the man left her. It was a struggle for acceptance that crumbled at times; I remember my first born telling her bluntly at some point what my parents couldn't bring themselves to say – that she should have used protection. Never mind that my sister was in college at the time, not some naïve kid. Like I said, accidents happen. But this story is tragic in more ways than one. Twins? Accident? Premature birth? It don't get no worse, I guess. But you brought out the good times too, and however low things get, it's those moments, or the memories of them, that make life worth living.

That all the story emerges in between that million-dollar parentage question was a unique way to go around the story. I also like the use of present tense in the second half of the story; it gives the reader a sense of seeing it as it happens. And the grammar hardly has any flaws; kudos for that too.

Cheers,
TJay
106
106
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's human nature for “strangers” living together to gel with time, so Tina's warming up to her real mother makes sense. It's not surprising that Pierre turns out to be the spoiler. The contrast of emotions he elicits is also symbolic of human nature; where a kid is hesitant to embrace a step-parent.

I like how you've brought out the above elements while also relaying Tina's mixed feelings at her new surroundings and culture. Samelia's loss of weight has also finally been explained, and humorously so.

I've noted you've also abstained from explaining Ghanaian foods in dialogue for the reader's sake, as was previously the case. All in all, it's been a fun read with good dialogue and drama.

Cheers,
TJay
107
107
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
The beginning is an anti-climax; one expects it to be the confrontation implied at the end of chapter one. But you move on easily with the story, so in the short-term, the “hook” at the end of chapter one works.

Somehow, I hadn't wondered about the father, but I'm glad this chapter clears that up. It seems Tina will get along better with him than with this “woman”. My eyebrows were raised at the point you revealed she works most of the time at night, but I guess it would be prejudicial to jump to conclusions. *Smile*

Anyway, I like how the story is developing; it has room for a lot of drama.

I suggest you make the following corrections:

something bothering on sadness – bordering on sadness
you can get everything including koobi--a dry Ghanaian salt fish, and fufu--a starchy dumpling made from potatoes. - such elaborations, clearly meant for the reader, should be at the bottom of the chapter or something. They make the dialogue sound unnatural.
Didn't my father and mother supposed to be living in Montreal together – Weren't my father and...
let's go or we'd miss the bus – or we'll miss the bus

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
108
108
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Grace.

I haven't seen too many African stories on WDC; it was a pleasure to read yours.

You bring out the culture shock clearly, and in the conflict between mother and child, you develop either's character well. Your use of little anecdotes from back in Ghana give the story good depth, and the reference of Ghanaian foods give it authenticity.

I guess the mother didn't take too kindly to her surrogate in Africa being referred to as 'Mama', hence the quick change of attitude. That figures; what doesn't is why she took so long to express concern at how Tina was dressed, and why Tina took so long to feel the cold weather. Those should have been first impressions. Tina certainly noted her mother's looks at first; why not the other way around? And I reckon it was warm in the airport but cold outside, hence Tina's delayed reaction, but why not bring that out? As is, it's like walking around naked but then when someone points out you are naked is when you cover your private parts (in this case, the curling of Tina's toes after her mother comments on her dressing).

Otherwise, the mother's name, Samelia, should come out in the story itself, rather than just the blurb. The story should speak for itself. And speaking of names, Pomaa, Akos, and Samelia (I'm not sure about 'Lia') are all African/African-sounding names. They sit at odds with Eric and Tina. Not to say that Africans don't have Christian names, but for consistency sake, you should probably stick to their African names.

The grammar's generally great, but these need correction:

travel in those clothes and that slippers? - and those slippers
We'd talk tomorrow. I have all morning free. – We'll talk tomorrow...
she is a little bit shy and everything seem different to her – everything seems different
I am tired, too Lia – I am tired too, Lia (note positioning of comma)

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
109
109
Review by Madridista
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is indeed a visual version of a eulogy. You portray clearly Grandpa's love for challenges, his foresight, and his charm. May he RIP.

Since you don't mind edits, I hereby share the following:

any luck picking just 1 horse – just one horse (figures normally used after number nine)
He wasn't challenged watching just one game – You meant, he wasn't “content” watching just one game? The “just” implies one wasn't enough, hence he needed more to be satisfied.
atleast 10 times – at least (two words)
the still infinitile internet – still “infantile” internet

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
110
110
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for writing on this subject. It's about time someone did.

Above all, I can identify with the grammar concern. I don't do interactives much, but one of the times I indulged, I wondered if one of the rules was to get the grammar all wrong. I followed various threads and almost every entry looked like it had been written by an anti-grammatist, if I can call them that. I wrote a review in which I requested the moderator to look into that. I wonder if they have the capacity to edit? If not, they should bear upon contributors to self-edit. A good story can suck when it reads like a half-complete translation from Greek.

Cheers,
TJay
111
111
Review of October  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a way to look at the coming of rain! It's like you've entered the shoes of nature and explained the irony in their bittersweet reaction to the seasonal change. I also like how you went about it with such a ringing rhyme scheme.

My favourite part was:
loving life, ignoring pain:
only joy, this autumn morning!

I noted at the beginning you attempted to use bold formating, but it did not apply. No need for the HTML/writing IML, just use the Word-style 'B' in the 'Edit' panel to format the title to bold. But you don't have to include the title in the body anyway, since it shows at the title and blurb bar.

That's all. Hope this helps. This is one of the best pieces on nature I've read in WDC.

Cheers,
TJay
112
112
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a case study in rhyming. I love how you captured the whole message of Jesus' life in explaining what Christmas means to you, but couldn't help noticing how you did it with such style. The only part I felt was iffy-iffy was the inclusion of "night" in the line: following a special, shimmering night star. It not only gave a delayed sense to the rhyme, but was redundant in the sense that stars only shine at night.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
113
113
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ha ha, you got me there! Red -ressed girl... "his" vehicle... money... needs. There was only one conclusion in my mind: prostitute. I think you've used your 55 words to great effect, though you could do without all those adverbs - impatiently, regularly, brusquely... The first one, for instance, is adequately communicated by her glancing at the watch, and the third one sounds redundant coming before "snapped".
114
114
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
The title alone tells a story, of which most of us have our own version. With some the barrier is religion, with others its race, age, lifestyle... or as your blurb implies, it could be that the other person doesn't share one's feelings. In most cases, I think it's because that person is "taken" *Smile*

Emotions and situations aside, I've noted a number of spelling errors, right from the blurb, where "friends" is spelled as "freinds"; elsewhere, "together" is twice misspelled - as "togther" and "togeher". Your message isn't lost, but the grammar could put off some readers, you know.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
115
115
Review of A Moment In Time  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hmm, don't we all wish we could get our readers into such a state? Reminds me of something I recently read in a WDC newsletter:

"One of the greatest compliments I received recently on a new short story was that the reviewer 'got lost' in the story. I just sat at my desk grinning like crazy. This is what we aim for. The ability to grab a reader around the throat, or heart and drag them in, not letting them come up for air until the last word has been read and then gradually, they reemerge, refocusing on the world around them . . . until next time."

You showed what this author told in your poem, only in your case it only became apparent after the creative twist in the end.

That aside, while the fantasy lasted, it made me think of how looking at things from a writer's eye can reveal so many wonders around us. All it takes is giving free rein to our senses.

Bravo; I loved this piece.

Speaking of readers and writers, I wrote a less visual but hopefully equally interesting poem that touches on the subject of writing. Find it at:

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Cheers,
TJay
116
116
Review of The Gambit  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was a hint, and it was eventually confirmed:

“I am from far away, sir,” his voice suddenly grew raspy as he looked into the bright morning sky.
I found the argument engrossing, seeing as it touches on the ever-controversial questions of the origin of the universe and of life. I felt you shifted seamlessly from chess talk to this origins talk, and gave intellectual insights without being too technical.

I think you should change the title of the piece, though, since the men spend more time discussing science over coffee than playing chess. The title is thus misleading and under-sells the story, in my opinion. Unless you can find a way to make the chess aspect more pronounced, say by shifting the entire argument to the chess scene and having the story end with Chapman's gambit win.

Otherwise, you describe Chapman pretty well, but leave the reader guessing about Huygen's looks. And much as I loved the ending, I was left wondering whether Chapman had a mission against mankind's ways to ensure earth does not perish. Surely, merely arguing about mankind's purpose wouldn't be his/it's way to deal with it? Unless you intend to continue this story, you might want to edit out the aspect of a man from another habitable planet; it just interrupts the generally down-to-earth plot with an outlandish idea.

Anyway, that aspect reminded me of this interesting story I read in the press the other day:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,202...

Grammatically, I noted the following errors:

“Just thought I check out the chess club” - thought I'd, not I...
Huygen shrugged and silently congratulating himself for finding reasons – silently congratulated himself, or: shrugged, silently congratulating himself...

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
117
117
Review of " Retirement "  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This reminds me of a forward I once read about how we keep postponing our happiness - until we finish school, until we get a job, until we get married, until the kids leave home, until we retire... Obviously, there's no chance beyond retirement, so this aptly captures the fact that at this stage, we simply cannot afford to postpone doing things any longer; things that make us happy, like serving others, in your case. I'd recommend writing too, as you seem to be pretty good at it. *Smile*

Cheers,
TJay
118
118
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It's commendable that you rose to the chalenge of entering a man's mind and writing from that perpsective. You did well enough, except for this aspect:

These two sections:

the anxious beast
only she can see
in me.

And:

I am a caged tiger,
fierce and majestic.

Made me think the guy meant his antics in bed, not generosity, as implied by this:

I need softness.
Then I will lavish
diamonds, pearls
for her.

His sexual thinking (astonishing beauty, lace lingerie, erotic contrast, etc.) feeds my expectation, so perhaps you should address the irony.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
119
119
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the analogy, but I couldn't help thinking a cure for this writer's block would be to carry on describing the sky and see where his imagination would take him. *Smile* Just a thought.

Seeing as you start with punctuation (capital Q, comma at the end), why isn't there at least a comma at the end of the second line? Just an observation.

Cheers.
120
120
Review of Poetry Unread  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
So short yet so loaded with meaning, one that could actually be applied to all writings. It makes a case for those who sometimes sacrifice the quest for pay just to have the work of their hands published, or post them online on sites with free access, such as WDC. Anyway, despite the brevity, you wrote in style, with assonance and alliteration commendably used. Thanks for sharing.
121
121
Review of Crypt of Flesh  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I'm no expert on the nitty gritty of poetry, so what wowed me is not the way you've broken down the structure at the end, but the message in the poem itself. From choosing the point of view of the unborn baby, to communicating his/her (I won't say "it's" for obvious reasons) feelings, to the bracketed words that add a second layer of meaning - it's hard not to empathize with your message and, in terms of writing, to appreciate your creativity. Keep it up!

Cheers,
TJay
122
122
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy 65th birthday, Ann. It's funny how you awoke in 'Heartbreak Hotel' after suffering a heart attack, but I'm happy you got that second chance in life and are living it to the fullest. Your rhetoric questions are a creative way to reflect on your life, now that you've lived long enough to look at your past and marvel. I wish you many more years of travel, happiness, and of course, writing! *Smile*

Cheers,
TJay
123
123
Review of My Poetic Mind  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
The underlying message I feel is that one should be able to feel and relate with poetry in one way or another in one time or another. That really sets the bar for poems, and shows the connection between heart and mind in poetry.

I recently wrote a poem about writing in general; would appreciate your take on it:

My work, my life:
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#1711047 by Not Available.


Cheers!
124
124
Review of The Hanging  
Review by Madridista
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I could almost hear Coldplay's Viva la Vida as I read this poem. You capture in poetry what it did in lyrics; the notion of a hero losing his glory, and the futility of that heroism as it merely corrupts one. Deludes one as well, according to this poem.

The flow is great; the rhyme not bad, but could be better. Top marks for the message and how it's conveyed in story form.

Cheers,
TJay
125
125
Review of Valentine's Day  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like the sarcasm and how it's delivered after giving the recipient false hopes. The rhyming is a plus. My favourite part is:

Decaying apple of my eye,
A box of candy is your surprise.
It's your favorite, give it a try:
Delicious chocolate-covered blowflies!

While the ending is funny, it goes against the spirit of sarcasm set by the rest of poem. The genuine gift is a twist in the tale, but there's nothing unexpected about how the lady reacts, and no basis for the sudden proposal.

That's all. Hope this helps. I also gave an unconventional take on Valentine's at:

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#1643591 by Not Available.


Please return the favour. Thanks.

Cheers,
TJay
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